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who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Saturday, June 13, 2015 @ 9:52 pm
Wrap Me Up In Dreams and Death

Dear Blogger,

When I see my Facebook flooded with pictures of "friends" on holiday in exotic destinations, I always feel a sense of loathe and envy. It must be nice to not be married or be married without any children. It must be nice to not have that burden of commitment and be able to spend your wages on holidays and fine dining.

I must admit being a mother of four children was never in my dreams. I was expecting a life of high flying and travel adventures. Never had I imagined that I would be married and quickly confined myself to a world of domestic responsibilities.

Despite whatever blessings we have received, there will always be that tiny seed of lost dreams that haunts and annoys you for the rest of your life when unfulfilled. I think that's why we reverse in maturity as we get older. That's why men indulge in expensive machinery and younger women in mid-life. Women on the other hand, spend their entire fortune to make themselves look younger.

I have resigned to the fact that I will never ever regain my pre-marital body. If my husband chooses to be with a younger slimmer woman, I'll let him. Then I'll know he's not worth keeping. I will also never ever be able to relive my wild crazy life because I will forever be a mother to my four children. Will I be able to live with that? I have to. Will I be happy about it? My happiness is irrelevant.

Nobody cares how I feel anyway. Nobody ever asks me how I feel or chat me out of the blue. No matter how loud I make myself to be, I'm an Emmet. I'm an ordinary, average un-special person. Just one of the few billions inhabitants of this planet.

I should stop pretending to be someone I'm not. I should just be wallpaper and do my own thing. Why do I crave attention so much? That's so pathetic isn't it? Anyone who believes getting married will relieve himself/herself of loneliness, sorry to say pal, you're dead wrong.

Have you ever felt like wanting to dig your own grave? Like literally? I guess if I did and I lay in there for days, nobody would even notice my absence. What would my obituary be like? Would I even have one?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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