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who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Sunday, May 03, 2015 @ 11:07 pm
I'm Okay I'm Okay Not

Dear Blogger,

I have been grappling with depression for as long as I can remember. For the longest time in my mid-twenties, I was in and out of therapists and counsellors' offices, trying to understand what was wrong with me. I was suicidal and my life was spiralling down faster than you can spell depression. There were so many unpleasant things that happened. Things that I could forget but never erased.

Ever since I got married and embarked on motherhood, I thought I was free of depression. Perhaps I was too busy to even consider it. You know what? Depression doesn't just go away. It may be suppressed but it'll never disappear. The anti-depressant pills are not cures. They just help to contain the effects of depression.

I have been on fluoxetine for half a year now. I've increased the dosage once. The latest prescription had reduced dosage because my sex drive was mostly parked in the garage than cruising on the road. I guess I wasn't ready for a reduced dosage because I became easily irritable, impatient and restless.

I didn't think that I'd be having depression again. I don't need a psychiatrist to tell me that. I recognise the symptoms. Now you would think that someone who has known you long enough to have several children with and even married twice with two different women who had depression, he would know what to do and how to deal with it.

I'm actually very disappointed with my husband. No doubt he is one of the causes of my depression. I had expected him to be more empathetic and proactive when I'm in such a state. When you're depressed, you don't go around telling people you need a hug but that's what we need actually! To feel safe and secure knowing that someone out there really cares for you!

My husband didn't do anything. I had waited for him to hold me in his arms, but he didn't just because I didn't tell him to do so. Often times, you don't have to say anything. Action speaks louder than words! Sometimes I wonder if I'm really the one who needs therapy.

Till now, we haven't really addressed any of our issues. I wanted to, but I couldn't bring it up. It's too serious for him, so he doesn't want to. A lot of breakdown in relationships are due to communication issues. When you've reached the point where you don't fight or quarrel anymore, that's the beginnings of the end.

I was going to write him a letter to settle this issue once and for all, but I've been too busy meeting deadlines at school and work. Now, the issue has been buried deep under books and lesson plans and what-not. But it's still there, just waiting for the moment to come back up to the surface again. It's a vicious cycle.


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