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who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Saturday, May 16, 2015 @ 10:02 pm
Acquainted With The Night

Dear Blogger,

Hands up if you're a mother! Hands up if you're a lonely mother! I don't know if there are mothers out there who regularly feels like I do. It's hard to imagine that even with four children in the house, I can still feel lonely. It's not because my husband travels often. Even when he's at home, I couldn't fight this feeling of loneliness.

There's a saying, "It's lonely at the top." I guess in some ways, being in the position that I am, loneliness is inevitable. I was never the type to have long-lasting friends, let alone close friends. I think that's the problem. I still haven't figured out why I don't have such friends; friends who are confidants. It's back to the "nobody understands me".

As you know, my mother and I have a very rocky relationship. In fact, she would rather spend her precious time at my sister-in-law's brother's wedding than be with her grand-daughter on her birthday, even though I had summoned the courage to invite her. I knew there was a reason why I hesitated to invite her in the first place. By the way, she still hasn't visited her grand-daughter or even wished her happy birthday. That's my mother.

My relationship with my husband isn't all lovey-dovey either. I'm not sure if it's a sign of being married for too long. It has only been seven years. Then again, in today's context, not many couples survive past the fifth year.

I hate to admit it but I'm not getting the attention that craved from him. We communicate but we don't listen. I think it has come to a point that I'm not bothered to talk to him anymore. I mean really talk. Our conversations are only about routines now. The kind of stimulating conversations do not exist between us.

I think I've to tell my psychiatrist that the anti-depressants aren't working anymore. Here's a poem by Robert Frost. It's about loneliness and depression. I feel you Robert.

Acquainted with the Night
Robert Frost, 1874 - 1963

I have been one acquainted with the night.
I have walked out in rain—and back in rain.
I have outwalked the furthest city light.

I have looked down the saddest city lane.
I have passed by the watchman on his beat
And dropped my eyes, unwilling to explain.

I have stood still and stopped the sound of feet
When far away an interrupted cry
Came over houses from another street,

But not to call me back or say good-bye;
And further still at an unearthly height,
One luminary clock against the sky

Proclaimed the time was neither wrong nor right
I have been one acquainted with the night.


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