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who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Sunday, May 31, 2015 @ 9:43 pm
The Fault In Our Stars

Dear Blogger,

The weather is awfully hot isn't it? Outside of my workplace, which can be freezing cold, I'm usually drenched in perspiration. I'll try to get home as soon as possible so I could soak myself in the cold shower.

I've managed to finish reading The Fault In Our Stars by John Green today. Yes! I managed to do on the last day of May. So I'm still meeting my target of reading one book a month.

The Fault In Our Stars is a young adult novel, and there was a hit movie adaptation starring Shailene Woodley and Ansel Elgort. I haven't watched the movie although it has been sitting in my hard disk for the longest time. I was going to borrow the book from the library but since I've Kinokuniya vouchers to spend, I bought the book.

It's about two teenagers who are trying to live their lives the best they can with cancer. It's like a ticking time-bomb. Hazel and Augustus met at a support group and sparks flew. Both think and speak like new age philosophers. I wonder if that's the new American teenage speak. Personally, I think their dialogue is a load of bull. They sounded more like spoiled brats trying to sound smart.

That's not to say it's not a good read. Novels about cancer can either be too saccharine sweet or too depressing. This is neither. It's more like a love story between a sick person and life. Then, there's the antagonist, Van Houten. He's basically a dick who spews a lot gibberish. I think my favourite character is neither Hazel nor Augustus. It's Isaac, the over-dramatic fellow cancer-survivor gone blind.

Overall, it's a leisurely read to do by the pool or beach.


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Wednesday, May 20, 2015 @ 11:28 pm
I'm Not Old. I'm Just Too Busy.

Dear Blogger,

On the way home from Speech & Drama class, my friend and I had a discussion about night life in Singapore. We agreed that back in the day, Singapore's night life was livelier. I said the rigid government laws now have thrown all the fun out of the window.

My friend said the clubs and bars are still the same. It's just that we are getting older, so our perception has changed. Is it really true that Singapore's night life has not changed and that it is just us who are aging?

In your 20s, everything seemed like a new experience. You were just starting out in the world. You were on fire, raring to make your mark in the world. Doors to places which were once prohibited were now opened to you. It was an exciting period to be in.

I guess going to clubs is like a rite of passage for many young adults who have just graduated from compulsory education. And with it, comes all the experience that you get when you go clubbing; drinking, smoking, indecent proposals. Some meddle with drugs. I didn't. I don't do illegal drugs.

When you're in your 20s, you live for the moment. You don't really think about tomorrow. You don't even remember what you did the night before! Or try not to remember. Even if you can't afford to buy drinks, there are always ladies nights. You can even subtly persuade someone to buy drinks for you. That's why it's always good to be nice to the bartender.

Then came the 30s. By then, even if you have not settled down, either in marriage or a relationship, you'll be too busy working for your future. It's like you're making up for the last ten years you've wasted on mindless fun.

Some may have just about to start a new family. So ninety percent of your waking hours are already spent on everyone in your family except you. Every single dollar you think you'd want to spend on yourself is usually redirected to the family fund. So who has time to go clubbing or money to spend on frills?

Perhaps my friend is right. If I were to go clubbing now, I would probably tsk tsk at the patrons for wasting their salaries on booze. I would even wonder why some parents would allow their tertiary-going daughters to leave the house looking like cheap prostitutes.

Gosh! I feel like I've just become my parents! When did that happen?! Before I know it, I'm going to reprimand my daughter for dressing like a stripper and she's going to think I'm an old-fashioned old nag! May that day never comes...

As the saying goes, to be old and wise, you must first be young and stupid. Been there. Done that.


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Saturday, May 16, 2015 @ 10:02 pm
Acquainted With The Night

Dear Blogger,

Hands up if you're a mother! Hands up if you're a lonely mother! I don't know if there are mothers out there who regularly feels like I do. It's hard to imagine that even with four children in the house, I can still feel lonely. It's not because my husband travels often. Even when he's at home, I couldn't fight this feeling of loneliness.

There's a saying, "It's lonely at the top." I guess in some ways, being in the position that I am, loneliness is inevitable. I was never the type to have long-lasting friends, let alone close friends. I think that's the problem. I still haven't figured out why I don't have such friends; friends who are confidants. It's back to the "nobody understands me".

As you know, my mother and I have a very rocky relationship. In fact, she would rather spend her precious time at my sister-in-law's brother's wedding than be with her grand-daughter on her birthday, even though I had summoned the courage to invite her. I knew there was a reason why I hesitated to invite her in the first place. By the way, she still hasn't visited her grand-daughter or even wished her happy birthday. That's my mother.

My relationship with my husband isn't all lovey-dovey either. I'm not sure if it's a sign of being married for too long. It has only been seven years. Then again, in today's context, not many couples survive past the fifth year.

I hate to admit it but I'm not getting the attention that craved from him. We communicate but we don't listen. I think it has come to a point that I'm not bothered to talk to him anymore. I mean really talk. Our conversations are only about routines now. The kind of stimulating conversations do not exist between us.

I think I've to tell my psychiatrist that the anti-depressants aren't working anymore. Here's a poem by Robert Frost. It's about loneliness and depression. I feel you Robert.

Acquainted with the Night
Robert Frost, 1874 - 1963

I have been one acquainted with the night.
I have walked out in rain—and back in rain.
I have outwalked the furthest city light.

I have looked down the saddest city lane.
I have passed by the watchman on his beat
And dropped my eyes, unwilling to explain.

I have stood still and stopped the sound of feet
When far away an interrupted cry
Came over houses from another street,

But not to call me back or say good-bye;
And further still at an unearthly height,
One luminary clock against the sky

Proclaimed the time was neither wrong nor right
I have been one acquainted with the night.


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Friday, May 15, 2015 @ 10:15 pm
Happy Birthday Mairah!

Dear Blogger,

It has been another long day with the kids. It's Mairah's birthday today. Children grow up very fast, don't they? We used to call her an Ewok when she was a baby. It was because she always looked grouchy. Now, she's already three!

Mairah has always had a firm mind of her own. Even as a baby. She knows what she wants and she won't take no for an answer. Yet, she has a tender side. She reminds me of an old school matron.

As in family tradition, we celebrated her birthday at her school with her classmates. Then we went to the mall to buy a present for her. Now I couldn't just buy one present. Actually, I could but then I have to put up with the sulking and whining from the others for probably one week. So, I bought presents for all four children.

Now I'm in bed, all energy spent. I've been thinking when I'm going to start revising my management accounting (MA). I also have Sarah's "Famous Landmark Around the World" project to do.

I found this note-taking tips on Pinterest. I thought it was helpful. Will apply it when I finally get down to study my MA.


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Tuesday, May 12, 2015 @ 11:12 pm
Exam Blues

Dear Blogger,

All over the world, students are up late, or even all night, studying for some exams. My first paper will be on tomorrow evening. I've managed to get spattering of revisions done. Even at this critical hour, it's always important to remember to...

Good luck fellow students!

By the way, I wish my study table is as calming as in the picture.


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Sunday, May 10, 2015 @ 11:07 pm
Of Moms and Portfolios

Dear Blogger,

It's that time of the year again when portfolios, assignments and exams all collide. I've submitted my last assignment last Friday. I've just completed nine children's learning stories portfolios. So that leaves the EXAMS! Truth be told, I haven't opened my books yet. But I have to do so very soon.

I actually have one outstanding task to complete. Mairah's 3D playground project is due tomorrow. The person who was supposed to do this conveniently flew off to Bangkok this afternoon. He had the whole week to do it but as always, you can't beat a dead horse.

I can't wait to get to my reading proper. I haven't had the chance to get a decent moment of reading. Currently intermittently reading "The Fault in Our Stars" by John Green. I know it's a teenager's book and there's a film that I could watch. But good books know no age. Been reading in the toilet every time I had to do the number two. That's the only peaceful time I had!

Oh by the way! Happy Mother's Day to all the lovely mothers out there. Stay calm and just be the best mom that you can be. I've always said men can be heads of Fortune 500 companies but they are nothing compared to what mothers can do.

Those who aren't mothers, or who chose not to be, you know your maternal instinct is dying to get out. Let it free and you'll be amazed at the strength that you have.



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Sunday, May 03, 2015 @ 11:07 pm
I'm Okay I'm Okay Not

Dear Blogger,

I have been grappling with depression for as long as I can remember. For the longest time in my mid-twenties, I was in and out of therapists and counsellors' offices, trying to understand what was wrong with me. I was suicidal and my life was spiralling down faster than you can spell depression. There were so many unpleasant things that happened. Things that I could forget but never erased.

Ever since I got married and embarked on motherhood, I thought I was free of depression. Perhaps I was too busy to even consider it. You know what? Depression doesn't just go away. It may be suppressed but it'll never disappear. The anti-depressant pills are not cures. They just help to contain the effects of depression.

I have been on fluoxetine for half a year now. I've increased the dosage once. The latest prescription had reduced dosage because my sex drive was mostly parked in the garage than cruising on the road. I guess I wasn't ready for a reduced dosage because I became easily irritable, impatient and restless.

I didn't think that I'd be having depression again. I don't need a psychiatrist to tell me that. I recognise the symptoms. Now you would think that someone who has known you long enough to have several children with and even married twice with two different women who had depression, he would know what to do and how to deal with it.

I'm actually very disappointed with my husband. No doubt he is one of the causes of my depression. I had expected him to be more empathetic and proactive when I'm in such a state. When you're depressed, you don't go around telling people you need a hug but that's what we need actually! To feel safe and secure knowing that someone out there really cares for you!

My husband didn't do anything. I had waited for him to hold me in his arms, but he didn't just because I didn't tell him to do so. Often times, you don't have to say anything. Action speaks louder than words! Sometimes I wonder if I'm really the one who needs therapy.

Till now, we haven't really addressed any of our issues. I wanted to, but I couldn't bring it up. It's too serious for him, so he doesn't want to. A lot of breakdown in relationships are due to communication issues. When you've reached the point where you don't fight or quarrel anymore, that's the beginnings of the end.

I was going to write him a letter to settle this issue once and for all, but I've been too busy meeting deadlines at school and work. Now, the issue has been buried deep under books and lesson plans and what-not. But it's still there, just waiting for the moment to come back up to the surface again. It's a vicious cycle.


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