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who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Thursday, February 16, 2012 @ 11:08 pm

Dear Blogger,

Today was a mentally and emotionally exhaustive day for me. Not sure whether it was the pregnancy or the bottled-up emotions I have subconsciously kept for a long time. I just... broke down right after getting a call from my father's doctor at the hospital. No bad news. She just wanted consent from a family member to proceed with a certain procedure to facilitate his dialysis. I don't know why I felt really affected by it. Maybe it was because it's just one too many hospital admissions already.

Or maybe because I couldn't bear the weight of a daughter's responsibility on my shoulders anymore. My ongoing conflict with my family and my mom may have been a factor too. I wondered if my father would have been in this state if everyone had done their responsibilities fairly adequately.

Seeing my father lying in that hospital bed alone and helpless, pale and weak, I just couldn't hold it anymore. I was angry and disappointed. Where was my mother? Where were my siblings? My mother's behaviour has been getting unacceptable by the day. It was becoming more obvious that she was distancing herself from my father. It was as if she was only married by name now.

I drove home with my brain on shut down mode. I went straight to bed without even a hug with my children. That was how defeated I was against the daily grind of my dysfunctional family issues.


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