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who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012 @ 8:45 am

Dear Blogger,

My head is aching. My heart is heavy. My nose is runny. My back is hurting. Stress? Why do we feel stressed? Is it something that we ask for? Does it happen when things do not go our way? Or does it happen when we cannot come up with a solution to a problem? What are our stress factors? I know my stress factor. It has always and will be, my dysfunctional family. It has reached a point where whenever the phone rings and it's my mom, my body becomes tense. Ipy says so.

So what have they done now? Oh dear... Where do I begin... As you know, my father is admitted to the hospital again. Barely a month after he was discharged with another amputated leg. This time round, his peritoneal dialysis failed due to an internal infection. With the success rate of going back to peritoneal dialysis medically slim, the alternative is to go for haemodialysis. This is the kidney dialysis that most people are familiar with.

You may have remembered the stress I went through getting everyone to agree to dialysis treatment the first time round. The things I did to get all the financial assistance needed. All the blood, sweat and tears I had poured. That was about 3 years ago. That was a really stressful time.

Now, it seems that I have to go through all that again. But this time, the resistance is greater and it comes from none other than my own sad-to-be-called family. They can say it in however way they want but the message loud and clear is that they no longer want this "burden" in their hands. It's as if my father is an irritating fly that they tried to shoo off but can't, until now.

Only God knows how disappointed I am with my flesh and blood. Nobody knows the pain and conflict I've been dealing with the past few days. I want to continue fighting but I'll be fighting alone. If I tell the doctor to stop the treatment, I'm letting my father die just like that. I know that will just eat me up to my core. Until the doctors tell me that there is nothing they can do for my father anymore, who am I to pull the plug on his life?

What do I do? What can I do? I have to make a decision fast. It doesn't seem like a solution is coming anytime soon. Help.


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