modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012 @ 8:45 am

Dear Blogger,

My head is aching. My heart is heavy. My nose is runny. My back is hurting. Stress? Why do we feel stressed? Is it something that we ask for? Does it happen when things do not go our way? Or does it happen when we cannot come up with a solution to a problem? What are our stress factors? I know my stress factor. It has always and will be, my dysfunctional family. It has reached a point where whenever the phone rings and it's my mom, my body becomes tense. Ipy says so.

So what have they done now? Oh dear... Where do I begin... As you know, my father is admitted to the hospital again. Barely a month after he was discharged with another amputated leg. This time round, his peritoneal dialysis failed due to an internal infection. With the success rate of going back to peritoneal dialysis medically slim, the alternative is to go for haemodialysis. This is the kidney dialysis that most people are familiar with.

You may have remembered the stress I went through getting everyone to agree to dialysis treatment the first time round. The things I did to get all the financial assistance needed. All the blood, sweat and tears I had poured. That was about 3 years ago. That was a really stressful time.

Now, it seems that I have to go through all that again. But this time, the resistance is greater and it comes from none other than my own sad-to-be-called family. They can say it in however way they want but the message loud and clear is that they no longer want this "burden" in their hands. It's as if my father is an irritating fly that they tried to shoo off but can't, until now.

Only God knows how disappointed I am with my flesh and blood. Nobody knows the pain and conflict I've been dealing with the past few days. I want to continue fighting but I'll be fighting alone. If I tell the doctor to stop the treatment, I'm letting my father die just like that. I know that will just eat me up to my core. Until the doctors tell me that there is nothing they can do for my father anymore, who am I to pull the plug on his life?

What do I do? What can I do? I have to make a decision fast. It doesn't seem like a solution is coming anytime soon. Help.

Sincerely,
modgurl.


back to top

Thursday, February 16, 2012 @ 11:08 pm

Dear Blogger,

Today was a mentally and emotionally exhaustive day for me. Not sure whether it was the pregnancy or the bottled-up emotions I have subconsciously kept for a long time. I just... broke down right after getting a call from my father's doctor at the hospital. No bad news. She just wanted consent from a family member to proceed with a certain procedure to facilitate his dialysis. I don't know why I felt really affected by it. Maybe it was because it's just one too many hospital admissions already.

Or maybe because I couldn't bear the weight of a daughter's responsibility on my shoulders anymore. My ongoing conflict with my family and my mom may have been a factor too. I wondered if my father would have been in this state if everyone had done their responsibilities fairly adequately.

Seeing my father lying in that hospital bed alone and helpless, pale and weak, I just couldn't hold it anymore. I was angry and disappointed. Where was my mother? Where were my siblings? My mother's behaviour has been getting unacceptable by the day. It was becoming more obvious that she was distancing herself from my father. It was as if she was only married by name now.

I drove home with my brain on shut down mode. I went straight to bed without even a hug with my children. That was how defeated I was against the daily grind of my dysfunctional family issues.

Sincerely,
modgurl.


back to top

Saturday, February 04, 2012 @ 3:21 pm

Dear Blogger,

I've just realised that my Twitter widget hasn't been loading my status updates for a long time already. I've fixed it already. I've also added SnapWidget that displays my Instagram photos. So more of my latest pictures in the Twit & Pic link.

Enjoy viewing!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

latest post  ::  newer post  ::  older post
archives

recent posts

LAYOUT BANNER COLORS MINIICONS