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who am i
Saturday, February 20, 2010 @ 8:03 pm
Took advantage of Sarah's vaccination appointment to just go out today. I mean really go out. I haven't done much of that since my dad was admitted to the hospital last month. Now that he's really here at my place, I haven't been out for leisure since!
First of all, I have to say that I am very proud mama! Sarah's paediatrician was very amazed at how advanced Sarah was. Medically, she's about half a month ahead of her peers. I suspect she's far more advanced than that!
She had 2 vaccination today. One was initial package we took up for her. The other is the second of pneumococcal vaccination. The first time she got her pneumococcal jab, she cried in pain. Today, she didn't cry at all! She's one tough baby!
I thought that was the end of her vaccinations. There are still more! There's the vaccination against chicken pox, rubella, mumps and measles. I was told they are compulsory vaccinations. Of course they are. If they're compulsory, why doesn't the government just pay for them?
The visit was very fast. I had expect a wait of about 20 minutes or so. We came, we saw the doctor and we were off! So, Sarah and I headed to Bugis Junction. I wanted to look for a new purse. I was thinking of getting a good quality purse like from Bonia or Braun Buffel but neither was to my liking. For some reason, I kept thinking of Louis Vuitton (LV).
We left the car at Raffles Hospital and took the train to Orchard. I had several hundred dollars worth of CapitaMall vouchers you see and ION Orchard was a CapitaMall! I thought it was worth a try.
We've never been to the upper floors of ION Orchard. Very likely because from the first floor upwards, it is very high-end retail. LV has a 2-storey store at ION. We went into the 2nd-floor entrance first. Not much accessories there. The ones that LV was famous for anyway. The staff weren't that accommodating either. Was it because I wasn't dressed like a posh mom?
I almost gave up on LV when I saw the main first floor entrance. I thought, why not? At least the staff there were more welcoming. I was disappointed with the selection of purses though. They didn't really meet my requirements. I know what you're thinking. Huh??? I can't help it if I've too many cards with me!
But then... I saw it. The bag that I've always wanted. You know how when you see something that you like and want, everything else around it just fade in the background? And that something just glowed as if shone by angelic halos? That was how the bag looked to me. That moment was reminiscent of the time when I stepped into Tiffany & Co at Ngee Ann City for the first time to choose my engagement ring. There was music! If this was a movie scene, it would have been very comical.
Louis Vuitton at ION Orchard (source: ilvoelv.com)
Since it would have been a sin for me to pay for it using my savings, I left the store deflated. It was not my time to own that bag. However, I do believe that if we're really meant to be together, we will be together one day.
We walked down the boulevard to Centrepoint to catch up with former colleagues. I didn't recognise some of Orchard Road anymore. We stopped by the new Mandarin Gallery. It wasn't my scene. Heeren had a modified look. What was the building that was torn down before Emerald Hill?
The new Mandarin Gallery (source: outofownblog.com)
I didn't meet any of my former colleagues. Centrepoint may have a new facade and wing but the stores inside were quite "old". I wasn't a Centrepoint kid. Marks & Spencer had sales on some of its biscuits. Always a draw for me. Bought some biscuits even though I suspect I'd hardly open the packaging.
Went across to the new 313@Somerset. Only managed the first floor because Marche was there. Haven't dined at Marche for a long time. The layout reminded me of the old Marche at Heeren where diners had to walk down a flight of steps to the basement. It was inconvenient for me now with Sarah and her stroller, but there was a disabled person's lift in the restaurant.
After half a day of walking from one end of Orchard Road to the end, it wasn't as fun as I thought. Maybe I'm no longer an Orchard Road person. Maybe I'm very much a heartlander now. The local malls have more attractions for me than the swanky malls in Orchard Road.
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Tuesday, February 16, 2010 @ 10:43 am
Blood ties aside, my mother and I just cannot be in the same room. Our personalities and schools of thought are just too different. I don't want her in my house anymore than she wants to be in my house. She's only here because she's using me as a babysitter for my dad so she can enjoy her social life without feeling any guilt.
Just like her golden child said yesterday, she has a life too. So did he mean that I don't have a life??? I forfeited a part of my life when I agreed to care for my dad! She as his wife should be doing the same! Caregivers no longer get to enjoy the luxuries of their own lives anymore!
She of all people should be spending more time with her dying husband than worry if her house is fine or her adult children have eaten or her friends are still there for her. She should get her priorities straight!
I have a 7-month-old baby to raise! My baby needs me more than anybody else! Her grandma doesn't even want the added responsibility of babysitting her when I've tuition to go to!
I don't want Sarah to be with her either. She's not a good influence on Sarah. I want to cut off ties with her as much as possible.
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Tuesday, February 09, 2010 @ 9:58 am
I am still reeling from last Friday's "family meeting". It was the first time that everyone had gathered to meet, and it will probably be the last time. I had called for the meeting because I was tired of unanswered questions and chasing one by one for affirmations. The agenda of the meeting was basically to confirm everyone's contributions and responsibilities to our father's healthcare.
The meeting was planned to be conducted at 8 p.m. but everyone turned up late. The meeting only commenced at 11 p.m. It started out as expected with me telling everyone the course of action. Things started to go awry after 10 min when I asked everyone if we could rotate accompanying dad to his medical appointments. As you can remember, for the past 5 years or so, it had always been mother and I who took dad to his medical appointments.
As I went round the table, things went to a standstill when my brother after me voiced out. He didn't really provide any useful information. He was basically ranting about how all of us couldn't work together because we couldn't communicate with one another. At several points, he threw uncalled for personal attacks on me. I wanted to retaliate but I was too mature to realise that all of his noise were irrelevant to the issue at hand.
Then he attacked my other siblings with accusations! Things got so heated up that it was a surprise no punches were thrown! I would have given him a bitch slap for being rude and disrespectful but I held back. Violence may feel satisfactory but it's not a solution.
His unsubstantiated remarks were loud and clear to everyone except himself. Not once did he make himself commit to the cause. He went round and round the bush until we asked ourselves, what the hell was he talking about? What had the past got to do with our father's care? What had our estrangement got to do with anything that's on the agenda?
Ipy, as the only family member by marriage, suffered a culture shock. He had never experienced family squabbling so mentally deranged. On analysing the situation, the rest of us agreed that that particular brother of mine had really deep issues with our dad and I. His issues were so deep that we're not sure if he even knew what they were! I don't know what vendetta he has against me but that shouldn't interfere with our father's care.
The situation wasn't help with our mother's biased support for my brother. Her other sons knew for a fact that she's not working so hard not for her sick husband, her children nor her matrimonial home. She's slaving herself to support my brother's glamourous lifestyle! Even to this day, when we want to move forward, we have to move 2 steps back because of this setback. It's so unproductive I tell you!
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Monday, February 01, 2010 @ 12:41 pm
My father has been discharged for almost a week now, but he'll be back at SGH to insert the dialysis tube somewhere near his abdomen (I don't know what it's called) on Thursday. Things are going to be different from now on.
The last few weeks had been very emotionally stressful. Nevertheless, all of us has reached a common understanding and agreement. Not everyone is happy with it (especially my mother), but the important thing is that an agreement has been made.
We decided that the best option for my father right now is to have him move to our home for his peritoneal dialysis. I can care for him in the day and my mother will do so when she returns from work. With him moving to our home, it cuts down a lot of the commuting. It isn't easy to commute either with Sarah tagging along.
The move itself was a big challenge. My mother had flatly refused this proposal when we first mentioned it. She gave all sorts of reasons why but only God knows the real reasons. She gave in when my second brother talked her into doing it. He has also promised to contribute financially to the dialysis regularly despite his low wages. He's a good person. Can't say the same for his older brother.
Ipy and I are preparing one of the bedrooms for my parents. Ipy had just bought a queen-sized bed for them. We are still considering furniture layout options because the bedroom isn't as big as we thought. Moving about my father in his wheelchair in the room will be quite a challenge.
Automated peritoneal dialysis at home (Source: http://cnydc.com/dialysis.html)
As I'm writing this, my mother is still not fully committed to the idea of them moving into our house. I really don't want to start another discussion aka argument about this because we've been doing that for almost 3 weeks already. I pray to God that she opens up her heart, mind and soul that what we are doing is the best for my father. For this plan to work, we need her fullest support.
The fact that I've to live with my mother again is secondary. The thought has occurred to me several times and Ipy and I have joked about how stressful it will be for me to be under the same roof with my mom. I just have to realign my focus to my father's health care whenever the thought pops into my mind.
Financially, I'm trying not to pin all of my hopes on subsidies. NKF's subsidy application is very strict. I don't understand why it should be when it had made a big, bad mistake on donor's funds a few years ago. I still think NKF owes it to the public to provide us with support when we need it.
With my father's dialysis about to take effect, our finance is going to be tight. I am making double effort to be conscientious when spending money. I've even reminded Ipy not to spend unnecessarily, even to the extend of skipping buying a birthday present for me this year.
Things may look rough on the surface, but God knows that things will turn out well in the end. This is after all, one of His challenges to my family and I. So, no need to argue and just accept the challenge.
More information on peritoneal dialysis here via NKF Singapore.
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