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who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009 @ 12:19 pm

Dear Blogger,

Is it wrong for a mother to hate her own child? Hate is such a strong word for it, isn't it? But I don't know how else to describe it. Is it true that a woman isn't complete until she births her own child? Is this all psychological, innate female biological makeup or a social manipulation?

Tough questions to be asking oneself. I don't know if I actually hate this pregnancy or it's just one of the effects of hormonal changes. I don't think I hate it. Maybe I'm just unsure. Unsure of the unknown. A doubt stemmed from the lonely experience of it all.

Despite reading countless pregnancy books and the good intentions of people, I feel like this is an experience that I'm going through all by myself. Most of the time I don't understand the emotional turmoil, so I don't expect anybody to understand what I'm going through.

Nevertheless, I don't want all this weight on my heart and shoulders. But how can you share any of these with anyone without feeling even more helpless afterwards? I don't think anyone need to understand. Yes, sometimes they empathise but that's it.

I want more. What is it that I want more, I don't know yet. But I want more than just words of empathy like, "Be patient" or "It's just the pregnancy talking".

Perhaps, I'm just losing control of the situation. I've always had a fear of losing control. I get irritated when I'm not on top of things. But how does one control her hormones???

There are days when I just want to be left alone. Nights when I just want to sleep alone. If my bed allowed it, I would have crawled under it and stayed there until I was ready to face the world again. Does all this sound like irrational behaviour to you?

Sometimes, I pity my husband for having to put up with all these. But what else should he do? Go away for a few months till the storm has weathered? It's his doing too. Still, why am I the one burdened with this???

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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