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who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Thursday, January 29, 2009 @ 12:01 pm

Dear Blogger,

My birthday was such a quiet affair that it didn't feel like it was my birthday. Most likely because everyone's back at work after 2 days of Chinese New Year holidays. I had tuition back to back, so by the time I was done, it was already late to dine out and I was already exhausted.

So it was brilliant of me to want to have my birthday cake over the holidays. I wanted an ice cream cake from my favourite ice cream brand this year. It wasn't cheap I tell you, but quality never comes cheap anyway. Besides, it's for my birthday!

Ice cream cake from Haagen Dazs

As expected, Ipy gave me a birthday present but I didn't know what it was. There were so many things that I craved for. He even said once that every woman deserved to own an LV bag. He sure knows how to steal a woman's heart doesn't he?

But no. I didn't get an LV bag. He surprised me though with a watch. A "Her" version of the watch I gave him for his birthday last year. I knew that this pair of watches were very limited. I didn't even know if they could still be available!

He said looking for the watch wasn't easy. He had to call up several places to find the watch. Awww.... how sweet!!! The watch is so beautiful! It has Swarovski crystal on the watch face in place of numbers. And they shine so brilliantly!


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Tuesday, January 27, 2009 @ 12:19 pm

Dear Blogger,

Is it wrong for a mother to hate her own child? Hate is such a strong word for it, isn't it? But I don't know how else to describe it. Is it true that a woman isn't complete until she births her own child? Is this all psychological, innate female biological makeup or a social manipulation?

Tough questions to be asking oneself. I don't know if I actually hate this pregnancy or it's just one of the effects of hormonal changes. I don't think I hate it. Maybe I'm just unsure. Unsure of the unknown. A doubt stemmed from the lonely experience of it all.

Despite reading countless pregnancy books and the good intentions of people, I feel like this is an experience that I'm going through all by myself. Most of the time I don't understand the emotional turmoil, so I don't expect anybody to understand what I'm going through.

Nevertheless, I don't want all this weight on my heart and shoulders. But how can you share any of these with anyone without feeling even more helpless afterwards? I don't think anyone need to understand. Yes, sometimes they empathise but that's it.

I want more. What is it that I want more, I don't know yet. But I want more than just words of empathy like, "Be patient" or "It's just the pregnancy talking".

Perhaps, I'm just losing control of the situation. I've always had a fear of losing control. I get irritated when I'm not on top of things. But how does one control her hormones???

There are days when I just want to be left alone. Nights when I just want to sleep alone. If my bed allowed it, I would have crawled under it and stayed there until I was ready to face the world again. Does all this sound like irrational behaviour to you?

Sometimes, I pity my husband for having to put up with all these. But what else should he do? Go away for a few months till the storm has weathered? It's his doing too. Still, why am I the one burdened with this???


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Monday, January 19, 2009 @ 11:36 am

Dear Blogger,

Doesn't time just fly so fast? I wonder if it's a sign of getting older. When I was much, much younger, I remembered that it sure took a long time for me to become an adult.

Yesterday, Ipy and I went to Changi Beach Park because my sister wanted to "cure" her eczema. She's the only one in the family who has this skin problem. As usual, I didn't want to go anywhere. I just wanted to stay at home on a Sunday.

But the weather looked good and the wind wasn't too harsh. A little fresher air and walk wouldn't do any harm to the baby right?

I've not been to the beach in a very long time. The last I remembered of Changi Beach Park was its oil-covered waters and littered grounds. I guess the authorities had the beach cleaned up because the water looked clean and refreshing and there weren't any litter in sight, except for the odd cigarette butts here and there.

There were many families picnicking and tenting. There were also many off-duty foreign workers on social gatherings, but they were cool. They deserved to enjoy themselves anyway what with all they've done in the maintenance of our country.

The sun was good for sun-tanning, but with my bulging tummy, I was too embarrassed to show off some skin. Besides, I like my fair skin! We stayed in the shade most of the time, munching away on chips and crackers and mee hoon goreng.

By now, everyone knows that I'm expecting. They seemed genuinely excited. I try not to let that get to me. As long as everyone's clear of the border I've drawn, it's fine by me. It's really a juggling act balancing time and energy for both sides of families.

We ended our picnic by walking along the 2.2km boardwalk. We could only manage 280m of it. It was already high tide, so the view was great. Ipy advised that we shouldn't be at the beach at sun down. Especially for a pregnant woman. It's just something that he believed in.


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Wednesday, January 14, 2009 @ 3:48 pm

Dear Blogger,

Yesterday, Ipy and I were at the Raffles Women's Clinic at Raffles Hospital for a special baby scan. This scan was to determine the risk of developing a Down Syndrome's baby. It was a non-surgically evasive scan.

Basically, the specialist measures certain parts of the baby through the scan and through the wonderful advancement of medical technology, the computer churns out a statistical report of possibilities.

We are happy to announce that our baby is normal and we also found out the sex of the baby! At first, I thought it would be cool to be surprised upon delivery. But then, I thought, why bother playing guessing games. Ipy thought so too.

He's thrilled that a little princess in on the way. He's already given her a nickname! A nickname which is too embarrassing to say. I fear self-esteem issues to the child in her later years with that nickname.

Ipy prefers girls to boys. He thinks that girls will always have that sense of nurture and care throughout their lives. He saw it in his sisters when his mother was sick. He saw it in me when my father was sick.

Boys on the other hand, grow up with heavier responsibilities. I have no gender preferences. As long as our children grow up to be responsible human beings, I'm happy.

Now that I am coming into my second trimester, I hope all the discomforts I've been experiencing before will cease. It is said that the second trimester is the "honeymoon period" for a pregnant woman. This is the time when her skin glows, her hair thick and glossy and her body so maternally sexy. I so want to believe all that!


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Wednesday, January 07, 2009 @ 4:21 pm

Dear Blogger,

I am having a throbbing headache but I'm hesitating to drown another Panadol. I've been having this headache daily for the past week! And I've been taking Panadol as if it's candy!

Ipy is concerned about this headache. He has been suggesting that we should go consult our gynea. I said that there's nothing to worry about because headaches are one of the common symptoms of pregnancy, especially in the first trimester!

Ipy's concerned because his late mother developed migranes while pregnant with on of her children. I rarely suffer from headaches and I sure don't want to deal with migranes now. Still, I see no cause for serious concern.

There are several reasons why headaches occur during pregnancy. Firstly, hormone changes. Damn hormones! Many of the pregnancy symptoms are caused by hormones!

Secondly, any one of these culprits:
  • eating cold foods
  • added caffeine intake
  • sleeplessness
  • general fatigue
  • sinus congestion
  • allergies
  • eyestrain
  • stress
  • depression
  • hunger
  • dehydration
I've stopped taking caffeine ever since I found out I was pregnant, so that's not it. I do suffer slight insomnia at night but that's only because I've been sleeping most of the day. I don't think I'm depressed. Despite my loss of appetite, I make sure I'm not hungry nor dehydrated.

Hmm... Or maybe I'm just kidding myself. As I've mentioned before, my diet now is something to be desired. I can't help it! If the daddy is eating junk, how can I not eat junk too??? It's easy for him to say that I should eat more vegetables when he himself isn't touching any of the greens.


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Monday, January 05, 2009 @ 12:16 pm

Dear Blogger,

The New Year celebrations came and gone without much hoohah, at least to me. Ipy came home in time to celebrate the new year with me at home. With my condition, there was no way I was going to get dressed and join the revelry in town. Besides, I can't stand crowds!

There wasn't much to celebrate anyway. The countdown broadcasted "live" on TV was a clear waste of our time and money. With so much awards that Mediacorps had been crowing about the past year, I had expected a better production from them for the countdown show.

Before we knew it, it's already the 5th day of the new year, and the start of a full working day. Tuition is starting again today, but I won't be taking any new students this year. I won't be taking anymore crap either. Despite being pregnant (unplanned as it is), I am as much committed to my students' academic progress as any other parent would.

This pregnancy hasn't been easy. I don't mind being pregnant and all. I just can do without the nausea, the stomach cramps, the acute sense of smell and the fatigue. Especially the fatigue. I hate to be lying in bed all day but that's what I've been doing all this while! I can't do much without wanting to crawl back into bed.

I can't even walk a hundred metres without looking like I'm suffering from hyperventilation! And my newfound superhuman sense of smell is not making things any pleasant for me. I've lost so much appetite because of it!

I'm supposed to be on a healthy diet, but I've been snacking on things which I usually don't. For example, I usually don't eat junk food like fries. These days, I only want to eat fries and nuggets. I've not been eating my usual fare of salads. In fact, I seem to detest vegetables now!

Come to think of it, I'm eating things that Ipy usually favours. So this baby is definitely his child! He thinks all these are funny. He doesn't fully realise the consequences of his unhealthy diet yet. But he's been attentive to my needs. Even to the point of taking more responsibility with the household chores, which is wonderful! I don't have the energy to mop the floors or cook anyway.


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