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who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Thursday, July 31, 2008 @ 10:31 pm

Dear Blogger,

If anybody had looked closer, he would be able to see that I am miserable. My weight gain may not give him that idea. But I am miserable.

Some people may say that putting on weight is a sign of health and comfort, but not me. Emotional eating has always been a bane in my life.

Gluttony ruled my day. Even though I stocked up on healthy foods like vegetables and brown rice, many dietitians dictate that moderate eating is the key. Not binging.

I hate the junk food at home. All those snacks and chips are sick! Yet, I couldn't stop myself from munching them! My mouth didn't stop chewing at all till now.

Strangely, I couldn't bring myself to throw up. If not now, maybe later. Oh I'm starting to feel sick. If I could squeeze my stomach dry of all the junk I ate today, I would.

I am also smoking more regularly now. Limited myself to a stick a day. Not that I enjoy it. It's just a brief respite.

It's no longer about food and body weight. I know now that I'm not angry with my body. There is nothing wrong with my body shape. My resentment goes deeper than that.

Will I ever be happy? Will I ever see that it doesn't take herculean strength nor impossible wealth to be happy? I wish I knew.

I don't hate myself. I don't love myself either. Maybe Electrico sang my thoughts very well... "Save... Our... Souls. I don't know where to go."

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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