posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i
Thursday, July 31, 2008 @ 10:31 pm
If anybody had looked closer, he would be able to see that I am miserable. My weight gain may not give him that idea. But I am miserable.
Some people may say that putting on weight is a sign of health and comfort, but not me. Emotional eating has always been a bane in my life.
Gluttony ruled my day. Even though I stocked up on healthy foods like vegetables and brown rice, many dietitians dictate that moderate eating is the key. Not binging.
I hate the junk food at home. All those snacks and chips are sick! Yet, I couldn't stop myself from munching them! My mouth didn't stop chewing at all till now.
Strangely, I couldn't bring myself to throw up. If not now, maybe later. Oh I'm starting to feel sick. If I could squeeze my stomach dry of all the junk I ate today, I would.
I am also smoking more regularly now. Limited myself to a stick a day. Not that I enjoy it. It's just a brief respite.
It's no longer about food and body weight. I know now that I'm not angry with my body. There is nothing wrong with my body shape. My resentment goes deeper than that.
Will I ever be happy? Will I ever see that it doesn't take herculean strength nor impossible wealth to be happy? I wish I knew.
I don't hate myself. I don't love myself either. Maybe Electrico sang my thoughts very well... "Save... Our... Souls. I don't know where to go."
back to top
Tuesday, July 29, 2008 @ 11:00 pm
One is never too early nor too late to help raise awareness for global issues. After the spate of misappropriate handling of funds in our local charities, I am very hesitant to donate funds. I prefer to donate my time and energy instead.
However, hopefully, there are not many people who are as cynical as I am. Do what one can to help others.
back to top
Sunday, July 27, 2008 @ 11:06 pm
I am rushing for my tuition, so I'm just going to post pictures for now.
My culinary experiments last week:
Baked macaroni (with lots and lots of cheese)
Fried rice (with lots of taugeh)
Steamed fish with brown rice (The fish is under the sambal)
Opor ayam and brown rice
The Singapore Garden Festival:
Purchases and gifts from The Singapore Garden Festival:
These hanging plants look great in the kitchen. (I got them free)
Due to the recent article on African Violets, this plant was quickly snapped up at the festival
Beautiful but expensive tulips! (I got them for free)
back to top
Thursday, July 24, 2008 @ 10:40 pm
Not only are my fishes dying, I can't reach an orgasm. Even with my vibrator! Now I'm really depressed.
My dying guppies. I've added a goldfish since then, and it's dying too!
Even though I've not been sexually active for quite awhile, I've never not reached an orgasm with my vibrator before. When the sex gets frustrating or unsatisfactory, I could always rely on my vibrator to do the job.
It's not that Ipy and I have not done it regularly, it's just that I haven't had a gratifying one in a very long time! If this is what marriage does to sex, then I really don't want to get married!
Maybe Ipy and I have lost our fascination with each other. Remember the first few dates? Everything about the other person was worth every attention! Even the silence was mesmerising!
Even this bread pudding I made was more exciting than my sex life!
I kind of miss my free-spirited, full of confidence days. I could be at the bar and naturally strike captivating conversations with any man. Now, I hide under my shell more than a tortoise does!
I hope my plants don't disappoint me
back to top
Sunday, July 20, 2008 @ 10:44 pm
Ipy has flown off. Mother is still in denial. Father is badly neglected. Brothers are not bothered. The wedding is uncertain. Sigh... what a long soap opera my life has been.
I could feel myself losing control. I am almost in that black box again. All it takes for me to fall into that black box is just a nudge. Just a nudge and I'll be in therapy for a few more years. It seemed ages that I was living those dark years. Must I go through all that again???
To distract myself, I poured my energy in the kitchen. Conjuring culinary magic that is nowhere near to a domestic goddess. Nigella made it look oh so easy. I am not a good cook. I am a decent cook. I haven't poisoned anyone, so that makes me a decent cook.
I believe that true cooking comes from the heart, and the guts and common sense. A cookbook may help with the foundations, but what makes a cook who she is, is her little touches derived from listening to her own body.
I take large doses of liberties in my cooking. So that means, what may taste good on my taste buds may not exude the same reactions on others. To most normal people, my cooking is a tad bland. That is because I season my dishes with natural flavours instead of excessive sprinkling of salt, sugar and God forbid, MSG!
It doesn't bother me that I'm not a good cook. It doesn't deter me at all from enjoying the therapeutic benefits of cooking. Now that I have the kitchen all to myself, I am free to experiment with cooking that only a free spirit like me would appreciate.
I tried my hand at frying some noodles today. Basic fare to some. A big deal to me. My char kway teow turned out alright. Might be a bit spicy to some, but I like spicy. Spicy keeps the metabolism rate up.
That's not all. I also managed to bake a cake! Not just any cake. A chocolate fudge cake! I may have cheated a little with the ingredients (if I can't bake a decent cake from an instant cake mixture, then I'm not destined to bake anything), but the cake turned out thick, rich and full of chocolaty goodness!
I gave away some of my cooking and baking experiments to some people. I don't really care what they think of it. The point is, I tried and I wasn't afraid to share my success (or failure) with anyone.
Feeling all domestic high, I set out to beautify the flat with some potted plants. I like functional plants. What am I saying?! Of course all plants are functional! They are our oxygen factory after all! I meant, I like plants that produce something that I can use or eat.
So I bought lime, "limau kaffir", basil, mint, "cili padi" and coriander plants! I couldn't resist the gorgeous orchids in bloom. So I bought a white phalaenopsis orchid for the indoors too! If all these plants can last a week, I will be extremely happy.
Isn't it gorgeous??? So pure and virginal!
Next, I'm going to get myself a pet! A cute bowl of fish on the dining table perhaps? Or a furry friend to cuddle up to?
back to top
Wednesday, July 16, 2008 @ 9:03 am
I have been awfully busy moving out of that house to this new house, that everything else good about me has either been put on hold or totally forgotten! I have not been running for two weeks now. I have not updated my food journal religiously like I should. I have not been really focused with my tutoring. Things are just really crazy right now!
On top of that, my mother is being so immature about me moving out that it's sad to think that an over 50-year woman can still behave like that. She went as far as surprising Ipy's dad with accusations of Ipy being irresponsible!
Her impulsiveness was a tight slap on her very own face. Ipy didn't make me move out. I did! It was my own decision! In fact, I think Ipy didn't have much time to think about it when I decided to move in. Since she knew that she could never break me, she went looking for other goats to break. Unfortunately, Ipy's father was the goat.
She was afraid that my "abandonment" would be gossip fodder for her family (grandmother, uncles, aunties, cousins, etc) and friends. In her desperate attempt to emotionally blackmail me, she had unwittingly brought her own family into this drama. I didn't tell the whole world that I left. She did!
Since the day I left, I have kept silent about it. It would have just been information for Ipy and I, if she had not done what she did. Things would have still be alright, boring as it may be sometimes, if she had not behaved so childishly.
I seriously don't understand that woman. Not that I do want to understand her completely. I have never expected her to understand me either. I'll be happy if she can just accept me just the way I am. If I was 18 or in my very early 20s, I think I would have understood the fuss. But I'm almost 30! Whether or not I will get married, I will still move out of the family home eventually. It's just a progression of life!
My only explanations for her juvenile behaviour is fear. She is probably fearful that with her eldest child gone, my younger siblings would follow suit. Then, she would be all alone to fend for herself and my father. She is also probably fearful that her most responsible child (in terms of house management) is no longer available at her beck and call.
The second reason would have been very selfish and narrow-minded of her. She has five children. She cannot keep that old mentality of how and what the eldest child and a woman should behave and do. We don't live in a "kampung" anymore!
Ever since I was very young, I have never been conservative. My father has even encouraged my liberal thinking at times! What makes she think that I would have evolved into her as an adult??? A recurring thought has come to me recently. It's probable that I could have done great wonderful things if she hadn't hold me back with her archaic school of thoughts.
Now, she has made it worse for everyone with her petty actions. My sister told me that she has changed the locks. That is fine by me. I don't see any signs of reconciliation anytime soon. That is fine by me too. We are both stubborn people, and we both exist in two different centuries. Not even death could bring our worlds together.
Now that I'm in our massive new home, Ipy and I have been busy keeping the registers ringing with our household purchases. Most of them at IKEA. I am such an IKEA person. I think we can turn our house into an IKEA showroom if we want to!
We tore this display cabinet down in the living room and used the space for a closed cabinet... for shoes!
Plenty of space for shoes...
We removed this as well, to give the living room more floor space.
This was the ugly dining room
This is the improved and spacious dining room. The dining table was a steal at IKEA ($297 from U.P. $379). It could extend to fit about 12 chairs. Chairs at $22 each. Self-assembled of course.
The dining room light before... and after
Light at the hallway
New kitchen! I love the refrigerator and washer-dryer. Expensive stuff but eco-friendly!
The junk food are Ipy's while the healthy ones are mine
The TV console temporarily at the study room (from the International Furniture Centre)
Rug and cushions in place of a sofa set (obviously IKEA)
The magazine rack that doubles as a printer table (Another steal at $79 from the International Furniture Centre). I also love my new wireless-access all-in-one printer!
The study room light. The old light was too hideous to show
The master bedroom with a bed fit for a king. This bed is so comfortable that my alarm clocks couldn't get me out of bed! Then again, it cost $6,000.
Old coffeeshop fan... to new decent bedroom-living fan
Ipy doesn't stay here every night. Sometimes he does. I don't think most of it was by his choice. It was more so as to not aggravate the situation that my mother had caused. I'm alright with that. I actually prefer being alone in the house. I have almost everything I need here anyway. Besides, I'm used to being alone.
He only stays overnight when he's high on a night like this one with a glass of Spanish Fly
But what happens when he's sick? Like right now! He could barely get up, and yet, he insisted on going home. Just because his father told him to. Even when he's sick, he's insensitive to my feelings. Did he think that I'm incapable of taking care of him? Did his father think so too? Go then! Don't expect me to welcome him back with wide, warm, open arms.
Come to think of it, if I am such a trouble-maker, I'll gladly pack up again and leave. I won't hesitate to do so. I don't have much stuff anyway. I don't think I even want to get married! I just haven't been able to tolerate being with someone who lives in hypocrisy. It's OK to drink and have sex. It's not OK to co-habit even though we're engaged because the society frowns on it.
You know what? Fuck him! Fuck the society!
Celebrating my sister's 16th birthday at Swensen's at the airport
Ipy and I are still working on this relationship, as thin as it is
I ordered the Caesar salad and Clam Chowder in a sourdough bread bowl
All this writing and thinking and emotional turmoil is making me sleepy. I think I'll retire to my Dunlopillo wonderland...
back to top
Sunday, July 06, 2008 @ 8:17 pm
What is it with everyone these days? I'm being pissed off for doing this, doing that, not doing this, not doing that. Whatever I do is not any of their fucking business! Nor is it any of their fucking concerns! It's like, the older I get, the more shit is being thrown at me. No wonder I am desperate to leave everything behind.
If I don't stay strong, if I allow myself to get sucked into their mental games, I will definitely find myself deep in the black box again. I can't let that happen. If I have to sever my ties with these people, I will. And I can! Blood may be thicker than water, but it is not indestructible.
I feel like I don't belong anywhere. Not that I haven't tried. I just don't feel connected. Have I become too disillusioned? Too disengaged? Too distant? I used to think that what I cannot control, let it be. So, as long as I can control the situation, then it is my problem.
Just like the situation with my dad. I used to think, that because he's my father, his health management is my problem. Then I realised that everyone else at home took advantage of that. So I got myself blackmailed emotionally without knowing it.
So, I've decided to wash my hands off everything about that family. I am voluntarily kicking myself out of that house. I've already packed some of my things. I am desperate to move out as soon as possible. Every minute I stay there is every ounce of sanity lost.
I feel sick. I feel tired. I don't get it! Exercise is supposed to give you more energy! Not make you feel like an 80-year old woman! I am fully aware that my "sickness" is all mental. Gosh I hate being in the dumps.
Yesterday, Ipy and I went on a guided nature walk at Sungei Buloh Wetland Reserves, something that I wanted to for a long time. I'm all into being environmentally-conscious (I'm really into recycling now), but I can't tell the difference between one plant and the next. The only plant I know and survived under my care, is the money plant. Even then, I don't even know its scientific name!
At the Visitor Centre
I think I may have jumped the gun here. I don't want to say out loud that we are back together. I'm still not sure nor confident about this. He was all apologetic and miserable and I am horrible at that. Anyway, I don't want to analyse too much on my mixed feelings. We'll see how this goes.
Information board at Sungei Buloh Wetland Reserves
The Sungei Buloh Wetland Reserves isn't a convenient place to visit, unless one drives. The nearest bus stop is about 20 minutes walk. But once you get there, you won't be disappointed. I don't think I did. There is a $1 admission fee though, but this goes to its conservation fund.
Sungei Buloh Wetland Reserves is home to many migratory birds from Europe and Russia. The best time to see these birds is between August and November. That makes sense considering those are the autumn-winter months.
Besides birds, you'll get to see fish, spiders, insect, monitor lizards, snakes, and if lucky, even crocodiles. I didn't see any snakes nor crocodiles, but I saw the biggest spider in my life! I still can't tell which kingfisher is which or which egret is which though. Still, it was a great opportunity to be close to nature. Something which every born and bread Singaporean should do once in his life.
The sea hibiscus flower (it only blooms for one day)
A colony of ants building a nest in one of a sea hibiscus leaf
Ipy tracking some migratory birds
A huge spiderweb
Ipy and I trying to make things work between us
Noni fruit (it's a really ugly fruit!)
A Christmas plant (It's supposed to be good for boils)
Ipy at the Sungei Buloh Besar boardwalk
The day before, I got crazy at the Crocs store at Marina Square. I only wanted to get the "Beach" model, but I walked out of the store with the "Beach" and "Cleo" models. In red and pink respectively. Now I plan to buy more. They make not look as sexy as stilettoes, but damn are they comfortable!
back to top