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who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Friday, June 27, 2008 @ 7:11 am

Dear Blogger,

Life doesn't always turn out as you planned. Just as I've planned for today's activities, which included a trip to a sushi bar, I didn't expect my father to suddenly have a case of bowel "discomfort" this morning.

Thus, I had to cancel his trip to the rehabilitation centre today, while screaming the house down for my three idiot brothers to help carry my father to the toilet. Three idiot brothers!!!

I really shook the roof off the house with my screaming and shouting, but none of these morons woke up! One of them was even sprawled on the living room floor, comfortably dozing away, waking up only to tell me to shut up!

I was so furious! So, so furious! More furious than I had ever been in my life! I called my mother several times, but she didn't answer. What is the point of owning a mobile phone when you don't pick up your calls?! What if there was an emergency? And this WAS an emergency!

I had no choice but to try and carry my father to the toilet myself! Otherwise, he'll shit himself all over the place! My father may look frail, but he's damn heavy! He is slightly heavier than me. I lifted him up, and I thought we could make it to his commode, but the damn thing couldn't lock itself!

So we fell! Both of us! Fortunately, I was quick enough to cushion his fall, or his head would have hit the toilet floor. If that had happened, I would have never forgiven myself. I was so shaken by rage afterwards. I wanted to smash things up and kicked every of my brother's air out of his body. But I couldn't. I just stood there, quiet and immobilised.

As I am writing this, I am controlling an outpouring of hot tears from my eyes. Being in control is extremely important to me right now. Once I lose that, I don't have anything else. But dammit! What is wrong with these people?!!! He is their father too!!!

More than just being outraged, upset and disappointed with them, I am resentful of my own physical weakness. I am not strong enough to carry him. I am just a big body of blubber.

To think, just an hour ago, while running, my heart rate went up so fast that I felt an acute pain in my chest. I had to stop running. So I walked, and walked to bring my heart rate down to a comfortable level without sacrificing my fitness routine.

I am still having a bit of trouble breathing. Most likely invigorated by my brothers' lack of cooperation. If I'm not careful, my blood pressure could increase permanently and I could end up with a stroke or something. Maybe that is what everyone in this house wants of me.

I hate this house! It is so full of parasites!


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