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who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Saturday, June 07, 2008 @ 8:06 pm

Dear Blogger,

I've been cursed with a persistent headache today. Panadol and sleep don't seem to work on this throbbing pain of mine. I am overstuffed too. I couldn't stop polluting my body with junk food. It seems that the closer I get to wearing that damn wedding gown, the less resistant I've become to snacking.

Also, I've been feeling weak despite getting plenty of sleep. I don't know if it's physical or mental. However, I do know that one will affect the other.

I've not heard from Ipy since he left for Thailand. I thought it wasn't a good time for him to be away. I feel awfully sick, and he knows it! I'm just not sure what it is that I'm sick of. All I know is that I'm not myself.

What if it was cervical cancer? My late aunt had cancer. I don't know what cancer it was that she suffered from, but it was still cancer. What is scarier is that a part of me thinks it's cool if it was cancer. Some morbid excuse to die.

Deep down, I know my vagina's fine, except for the bleeding. It's probably due to extreme stress. Trauma even. I have never thought that sex could be traumatic, but I've been known to be subconsciously in denial often.

I mean, the justifications for sex have not been the same since my second termination. I didn't have to prove anything or use it to my advantage. It was just something I do now to "go with the flow". So, maybe, to be with a man again was traumatising. I just didn't know it!


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