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who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Saturday, June 14, 2008 @ 8:01 pm

Dear Blogger,

Daddy's health is deteriorating. Nobody says anything about it here, but it is plain for everyone to see. He can barely see anymore. Despite the gravity of the situation, mother feeds him whatever he wants. Pointless spending all that money on his diabetic medication then.

Maybe my mother wants him dead, so she can be free of caring for a chronically-ill, stroke-affected husband. I can understand that. She can easily score another man. Don't let that "tudung-wearing makcik" demeanour fool you. She's quite a flirt. A gene I've inherited from her.

Some people might be appalled at what I've just written. I don't care anymore. She has always shown preferences for her beloved sons. Not that I'm jealous, but shouldn't a mother treat her children fairly and unconditionally, regardless of age and gender? I guess I still live in an ideal world in my head.

One might argue that I brought this upon myself, what with my stubborn and liberal ways. If that is so, then why is my sister getting the same ill-treatment from her? What has she done? She is even the youngest child, traditionally spoilt and all-round loved by everyone.

With Daddy gone, I will have no one. He has usually supported my ideals till the very end. Even to the ridicule of his wife and siblings. I may not have been a decent child, yet, deep down, I know he loves me still.

I may be marrying Ipy, but at times, I feel like I'm marrying a stranger. He goes away so often, that the limited time we have together feels forced. When he's away, I can barely recognise the man I've posed together in all those pictures.

The bottomline is, no matter what I do or give, I am still alone. When I met Ipy, I thought, finally, I don't have to feel this wretched gloominess of loneliness. Over time, I felt even lonelier than before. Like I said, the seconds we spend together feels forced. Like they were combustible hydrogen-filled bubbles that can explode at any moment.

And when promises are broken, I step away even further. Even though I've repeatedly made it very clearly that I hate to be disappointed by broken promises, people who said they loved me, do so time and time again.

Like when Ipy said he would call me every day in Thailand. He made me wait by my silent phone day in day out, till I have no desire to answer any calls. Or when Daddy said that he'd fulfill my dream of an overseas degree programme. All I had to do was study hard and not worry about anything else. I have not forgotten that disappointment.

I may look as hard as stone, but I do have a fragile interior. No one here seems to care about that.


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