posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Monday, June 30, 2008 @ 10:31 pm

Dear Blogger,

I signed up for a social dance course at my nearest Community Club this morning. I hoped to finally be able to dance a decent step of Cha Cha Cha and Rock and Roll. I don't expect to be in the standards of "Step Up" or "Take The Lead" or whatever dearth of formulaic dance movies shoved to our faces recently.

I've been wanting to take up dance classes for awhile, especially Latin dances. Have I told you I'm intimidated by Salsa? I decided to sign up for one now because it really is pointless for me to wait for a dance partner to magically appear.

I guess, waiting for that right moment, is really stupid. God knows what I could have done many years ago if I had just done what I wanted to do. Like rock-climbing, or ice skating. Most of the time, I resisted because I didn't have anybody to do these activities with.

After 2 or 3 boyfriends and countless flings, they have assured me that men are really worthless. Companionship is also over-rated. I am better off listening to my gut and just seize the day. Why wait? I'll be disappointed in the end if I do.

The men in my life were merely accessories. They were hardly around! Just like Fergie sang in "Labels Or Love", "I be looking for labels, I ain't looking for love/Relationships are often so hard to tame/A Prada dress has never broken my heart before". Of course I don't own anything remotely Prada-ish, but Fergie has got something there.

Why bother commit when your man comes and goes? No more starving yourself just to fit into a wedding gown. No more pretending to laugh at his lame jokes. Best of all, no more having to put up with his farts in public.

Is it me or has TV become even more lame? What the hell is Mediacorp doing bringing more mind-numbing shows to our homes? I just caught the trailer for "Don't Forget The Lyrics" or something like that. It looked like a karaoke contest, and Mediacorp's making a local version of it. Aarrgghhh!!!

What happened to good, intelligent family entertainment? Even MTV is no longer MTV (Music TV). Every time I turned on MTV, it has some supposed "reality show" on. Reality my arse! The only thing that's real about those shows is the bullshit.

Is this what we are paying TV and radio license for??? If I really wanted to watch crap, I'd watch the faeces squeezed out of my anus.


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Sunday, June 29, 2008 @ 9:26 pm

Dear Blogger,

I attended my second wedding of the month, and fourth wedding of the year. These are more weddings than I have ever attended in my entire adult life!

I wasn't even invited to this one! My mother needed someone to drive her to the venue, which was in an obscure part of Marsiling. It was really obscure. I drove round Marsiling twice!

Anyway, I really didn't want to do anything today, except download more "Blackadder" and "Bleach" to my PSP. At most, I'd drag my butt to the Toys and Comics Convention at Suntec. Besides, I was really lazy to fetch the car!

But mother looked so sad. I'm still not sure if she was sad that her beloved sons were not around for her, or if it was because she had to forgo the wedding invite. So I gave in. It gave me the chance to check out the International Furniture Centre at Sungei Kadut Loop anyway.

You know, the more weddings I attend, the more pretentious the wedding couples become. This one had a live orchestra! And it was quite good! It even made me a little jealous that I won't have a live band or performers.

There was also a "kuda kepang" performance, which I didn't quite fancy. The live orchestra had already blown me over. The buffet spread was above average. It probably cost the couple $18 per head. I got to taste all of the buffet spread this time round. Including desserts! In peace!

Now, if only they had chosen sit-down meals with servers instead of a buffet spread. I think that would have been a thumbs up in my books. If I had known the wedding couple, it would have been two thumbs up!

We didn't stay long of course. Actually, it was already quite long for me. I was eager to get to the International Furniture Centre before the day got too late. Also, I only had a vague idea where Sungei Kadut was. So the extra time to look for it would have been helpful.

And got lost we did! I knew it was somewhere near Kranji, but instead of Sungei Kadut, I got Sungei Buloh. I ended up all the way at Jalan Bahar. The drive wasn't all that bad. I got to see parts of Singapore which I thought had long extinct!

I had never seen so many farms and long winding roads till this afternoon! I even drove past the national cemeteries! Considering that I had used up a substantial amount of petrol in my quest to find the International Furniture Centre, I shouldn't be so thrilled at being lost.

After 45 minutes and twice round the BKE and KJE, I finally found Sungei Kadut. And that damn building is in all the way to the end of Sungei Kadut!

The International Furniture Centre

The tour of forgotten Singapore land was worth it! I took an instant liking to this Centre. It housed several furniture retailers, much like The Furniture Mall and IMM. However, I've read that the products sold here were slightly cheaper than in the other outlets the retailers might have.

I already knew what I wanted to buy, if available. I found a TV console I was looking for at the budget I've assigned myself. At $500 flat including delivery, I thought it was a good deal. Mother thought so too.

She couldn't resist herself. She invested $300 on four dining chairs, including delivery. I resisted the temptation to purchase a dining table and chairs set, even though they all looked good and they were all priced reasonably affordably.

I found this awesome looking magazines/newspaper holder that doubled as a side table at a Barang Barang-lookalike shop. Guess how much it cost? $79! I handed my credit card to the sales guy immediately.

Then I saw a dresser table which had a secret vanity mirror in it at another retailer. At only $300, plus delivery, I am now its new proud owner.

Furniture shopping has never been this much fun! This is so much better than clothes shopping. If only the building has lightings and lamps retailers. I need to hunt for one more lighting. And a study table. And a refrigerator. And...


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Saturday, June 28, 2008 @ 10:41 pm

Dear Blogger,

I attended Floetry at The Arts House earlier. I didn't know this event had been around since February this year. Tonight's session was the second last one of the year. The last session will be on the last Saturday of July.

Floetry in session. The host was snooze-worthy talkative though.

Floetry is basically a meeting of local hip hop talent waxing, you guessed it, poetry. Now, when I first read about this event in IS magazine (I should really read this weekly magazine more often), I sort of expected real talent and real poetry.

An eye-catchy centrepiece at the bar

Books for the artistically-inclined at the bar

Not that these hip hop kids didn't have any talent. Yes, they were really kids. As young as upper secondary school students. They are the ones you see leeching at McDonald's or if they are older, they'd be common sight at Dbl O or Smoove@MOS.

I don't think I'm being discriminating. I am growing older after all. Can't understand the generation after me sometimes. Anyway, I was disappointed with this event. I couldn't relate to whatever poetry they were trying to convey. Maybe if I were younger or really into Diddy, Fiddy (that's 50 Cent) or Jay-Z, I might be able to connect.

I wonder what went through their brains...

I left half an hour after the event started. I tried to be tolerant but more and more kids dressed to look older came in. So I had to bail out. I know one thing is for sure though. Some of the kids were jealous that I could order wine.

Silk bag and Cabernet Sauvignon blanc

Don't let that pale complexion fool you. I was red as a lobster an hour later. A glass of Sauvignon can do that to some people.

As I walked along Singapore river, I saw many couples just having a good time together. I also saw couples in their wedding outfits photographing their special moments with the romantic lighted facade of the Fullerton Hotel as their backdrop.

Then I wondered. How come Ipy and I have never strolled along the Singapore River at night? We never dine there nor attend an SSO concert at the nearby Victoria Concert Hall. All we did was watch movie or dine at nearby heartland shopping malls.

I think I know why. He drove most of the time. So 30% of our brainpower when we were outdoors, was spent on thinking of places with accessible and affordable parking. Come to think of it now, that was kind of shitty.


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Friday, June 27, 2008 @ 7:11 am

Dear Blogger,

Life doesn't always turn out as you planned. Just as I've planned for today's activities, which included a trip to a sushi bar, I didn't expect my father to suddenly have a case of bowel "discomfort" this morning.

Thus, I had to cancel his trip to the rehabilitation centre today, while screaming the house down for my three idiot brothers to help carry my father to the toilet. Three idiot brothers!!!

I really shook the roof off the house with my screaming and shouting, but none of these morons woke up! One of them was even sprawled on the living room floor, comfortably dozing away, waking up only to tell me to shut up!

I was so furious! So, so furious! More furious than I had ever been in my life! I called my mother several times, but she didn't answer. What is the point of owning a mobile phone when you don't pick up your calls?! What if there was an emergency? And this WAS an emergency!

I had no choice but to try and carry my father to the toilet myself! Otherwise, he'll shit himself all over the place! My father may look frail, but he's damn heavy! He is slightly heavier than me. I lifted him up, and I thought we could make it to his commode, but the damn thing couldn't lock itself!

So we fell! Both of us! Fortunately, I was quick enough to cushion his fall, or his head would have hit the toilet floor. If that had happened, I would have never forgiven myself. I was so shaken by rage afterwards. I wanted to smash things up and kicked every of my brother's air out of his body. But I couldn't. I just stood there, quiet and immobilised.

As I am writing this, I am controlling an outpouring of hot tears from my eyes. Being in control is extremely important to me right now. Once I lose that, I don't have anything else. But dammit! What is wrong with these people?!!! He is their father too!!!

More than just being outraged, upset and disappointed with them, I am resentful of my own physical weakness. I am not strong enough to carry him. I am just a big body of blubber.

To think, just an hour ago, while running, my heart rate went up so fast that I felt an acute pain in my chest. I had to stop running. So I walked, and walked to bring my heart rate down to a comfortable level without sacrificing my fitness routine.

I am still having a bit of trouble breathing. Most likely invigorated by my brothers' lack of cooperation. If I'm not careful, my blood pressure could increase permanently and I could end up with a stroke or something. Maybe that is what everyone in this house wants of me.

I hate this house! It is so full of parasites!


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Thursday, June 26, 2008 @ 11:03 pm

Dear Blogger,

I am having trouble sleeping tonight. I thought if I write down whatever that is bothering me, I'd get to sleep as scheduled. The problem is, I don't know what is bothering me!

I had even succumbed to late night snacking of chocolate chip cookies and milk. I keep a secret stash of Famous Amos chocolate chip cookies for moments like these. Cheap Danone chocolate chip cookies just won't do for me.

Maybe if I run it off tomorrow, I'll feel better. I didn't run this morning because I had fasted. I spent the whole day downloading the "Blackadder"series and some anime from YouTube. Then I port them over to my PSP for my viewing pleasure on those lonely bus rides.

I've downloaded 31 out of a possible 170 odd episodes of this series

I rarely play games on my PSP now. I guess the novelty has worn off. I use it more as a multimedia device now, for watching videos and surfing the Internet. Not much I can do with a 4 GB memory stick though.


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Wednesday, June 25, 2008 @ 8:38 pm

Dear Blogger,

I went to watch "The Incredible Hulk" this morning. By the way, OCBC card holders get discounts at GV cinemas. It has been a awhile since I went to the cinema on my own. Decided to do so today, because life is too short to wait for companionship.

I've always loved watching superheroes movies, especially from Marvel Comics. We've enjoyed screen adaptations of "X-Men" and "Spiderman". The latest release and official start of the summer blockbuster was "Iron Man", which I so totally loved. Who doesn't love Robert Downey Jr???

Now we've got "The Incredible Hulk". When I first saw the trailer, I thought, another Hulk movie? Wasn't it on screen recently? That was Ang Lee's version. It was more drama than summer blockbuster i.e. more talk than non-stop action.

Boy did I get more than I asked for. The action in "The Incredible Hulk" was intense! Everybody knows the plot, so no point retelling it. The movie was quite formulaic too, as like most superheroes movies. But the action... oh man! It was MIND-BLOWING!

Nobody could replace Bill Bixby, the original Bruce Banner from the TV series (yes I still remember the show). Edward Norton did his best though. I'm not saying that because he's one of my favourite actors. I just want to kiss that baby boyish face of his! He stirred my loins in "Red Dragon" several years ago.

The very talented Edward Norton

I've always thought that, unlike X-men, Hulk is too simple a character. Guy got himself radiated with gamma rays and wham! He turns into a green mass of muscle, not unlike a WWE wrestler. It's too primitive! Then again, we all turn into cavemen when we're angry.

Hulk... Smash!

I don't smash things up when I'm angry. But I do unleash other "superpowers" when I'm provoked. I've been told that my rage releases the "Stare of Death" and the ear-splitting "Sound of Silence" that strikes fear at the hearts of men. It sure does that to Ipy.

Anyway, back to the movie. Even if you're not a movie nor a comic buff, you'll shriek in sheer pleasure at spotting several cameos and comic references. Watch out for the intra-Marvel movies crossovers and the indispensable Lou Ferrigno, the original Hulk from the TV series. He, coincidentally, voiced Hulk in this movie, which was not too difficult. All Hulk did was grunt and roar.

Lou Ferrigno and Stan Lee

And not forget the creme de la creme! Tony Stark himself! Aka Iron Man! Aka Robert Downey Jr! That was such a treat!

At tuition, I made a boy cry. He deserved to. He was so rude! After almost 3 years of patience and tolerance, I gave the boy a scolding worthy of any school discipline mistress of yesteryears. I am a fierce person, but I rarely show that side of me to my students. This afternoon however, something just snapped. The boy was not just rude, he was disrespectful and too spoilt!

And afterwards, another student made me wait outside her door for half an hour, because her family had "forgotten" that there was tuition tonight. I even reminded her mother this morning! After all that waiting, she postponed it to this weekend. I was so hoping to not do anything this Sunday.

Some people just have no respect for other people's time and effort. Unfortunately, this slack attitude towards a teacher's time is so prevalent in Malays. I don't get treated like this by my other non-Malay students and families!

What is even more ridiculous is that these people expect their average sons and daughters to excel academically in such a short time! I am not a miracle worker! This is a cooperative effort! I can't do much if your sons and daughters won't do much!

I am still pissed off by it. Today was supposed to be a great day! I can't even vent my frustration on anything. It would be fantastic if I could release it like The Incredible Hulk. Maybe I could turn into She-Hulk or something.


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Sunday, June 22, 2008 @ 7:06 pm

Dear Blogger,

I am very proud to say that finally, I get to donate blood. Finally! My last two attempts were not successful for some medical or administrative issue. But this time round, I was successful! As the saying goes, "Third time is a charm".

The process was efficient. From registration to the resting chair barely took 30 minutes. Was a bit disappointed really. I thought it would have taken much longer. Didn't even have time to doze off.

The blood transfusion did not hurt at all, even when the staff inserted the needle into my vein. Then again, sometimes I cannot believe how pain tolerant I am. Maybe I am just a needle junkie at heart.

Believe me. This did not hurt at all! The blood flow was cool though

I wanted to give more blood, but I was told that I had donated more than enough blood. The biggest bag in fact! I felt fine. In fact, I had never felt better! The donor next to me had hypertension or something. She almost passed out! She was really pale and skinny.

I think everyone should donate his blood once in his lifetime. It doesn't hurt, and it doesn't cost a dime. I don't know how much my contribution will actually "save lives", but I would like to think that it does. Too bad I can't do this again till September. Some health law or something.

I had also met a running enthusiast who had a running group going on. Unfortunately, I couldn't join the group because of a conflict of schedule. It would be fantastic if I could join them. More motivation for me to stick to my health and fitness programme.

The surprise of the day was when Ipy's father dropped by for a visit. My parents were out at the moment. I was totally caught off guard by then. But the thing with Ipy's father is that, he is easy to entertain. I don't have to try hard, which was good for me!

He came by to deliver some dates and "zam zam" water from his umrah trip. That was odd. Shouldn't I be the one visiting him? I don't know what Ipy had told him. I didn't know how to tell him that Ipy and I are on a "break" right now.

Hilarious video of Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr grooving with Gladys Knight. RDJ is so hot!


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Friday, June 20, 2008 @ 10:47 pm

Dear Blogger,

The full moon looked so melancholic tonight. It seemed so... sad. Do you think it is sad for me? I do feel... I don't know what is the word to describe it. It is not sadness. It's a feeling of resignation. I guess that is the word for it. I feel resigned to the disappointments around me.

The situation at home isn't getting any better. My brothers are, simply said, hopeless. They are not bothered either. As long as my mother is around to clean up their shit, they are not bothered.

I was upset with my youngest brother for not paying the bill for his "GossipChat" calls. Those 1900 calls are downright money-grabbing swindlers. I don't know what thrill he gets from these calls.

The common home phone was strictly for toll-free calls only. Local outgoing and incoming toll-free calls are not chargeable for this Starhub Digital Voice Home service.

I have told everyone that repeatedly. Still, the same culprit does it again! The last time that happened, he racked up calls over $1,000! The line was deactivated for outstanding bills.

After 5 months, I decided to activate the line again. I couldn't do it. I had to register for it again. The only reason I invested $40++ registration fees for this service was so that I could save on my mobile phone bills. And it has worked!

But it looks like he's doing it again. I couldn't rant at him because for some fate-related reason, our paths have not crossed in the last few days. Heaven has some wicked sense of humor, hasn't it?

I just don't get it! Last month, he spent $10++ for a 20 minute chat. This month, another $10++. He hasn't even paid for last month's bill! What the hell is he waiting for??? Another $1,000 bill???

Big sister is not going to do anything about it this time. I am sick and tired of always bailing them out! When there are no food on the table, none of these boys helped to buy groceries. When one of them had to go to court for a stupid offence, I had to dig up $3,000 for his bail.

They are just downright ridiculous! Still, mother loves them to pieces! This isn't unconditional love. This is blind love! I hate penises right now. Selfish, self-centred buffoons!


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Thursday, June 19, 2008 @ 2:20 pm

Dear Blogger,

Did I ever stop to make you smile
When your day was hard or your road was long?
When your light stopped shining for a while,
Did I sing for you a happy song?

Did I ever try to make you laugh
When your eyes held tears and you couldn’t speak?
When your world seemed almost torn in half,
Did I hold your hand or kiss your cheek?

Did I ever pause to hear your voice
When you needed just a moment’s ear?
When you’d lost your way or missed a choice,
Did I let you know that I was near?

Did I ever stop to say I care
When I didn’t seek to hear it too?
When you weren’t so sure that I’d be there,
Did I ever show my love for you?

(Source: RHL School)

I wished someone had recited this poem to me... Nobody normal does poetry anymore. Sigh...

What happened to secret crush notes that we sent to radio stations for late night music dedications? What happened to "Roses are red/Violets are blue/Sugar is sweet/So are you"? Doesn't anybody ever stop to indulge in little things like these anymore?

I think Singaporeans are way too caught up in the nitty gritty of life until they have forgotten that there is such a thing called LIFE. Sure, prices of everything have gone up. Latest being the ERP gantries and rates, which I think will be a backfired effort by LTA eventually.

Anyway, let us not forget to smell the roses, or coffee, or whatever that keeps one going. By the way, I miss my coffee breaks, where people-watching on a weekday complemented the comforting aroma of a hot cup of java. I think I shall gratify myself in such pleasures tomorrow.

What would keep me waking up to a good day is an SMS sent with love.

"Good morning my love! Rise and shine! xxx"

"Wake up wake up sayang! Have a wonderful day! :)"

Messages like these not just bring a smile to my weary face in the morning, they let me know that I am loved by somebody. Isn't that just grand?

Of course, all that happen only in an ideal world or when one is still high on the love drug. When you have been a couple over six months, both parties become complacent. Practicality takes priority over romanticism, which in effect, becomes the beginning of the end. Then, we are left wondering what went wrong.

How tragic.


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Wednesday, June 18, 2008 @ 10:52 am

Dear Blogger,

It's over! Ipy and I are over! There won't be any wedding. There won't be any union of whatever sorts. There won't be anything!

I have had enough of it! He knows what I would do if he does it again. I don't make light of my threats! Yet, he does it again! I say enough of this bullshit!

I threw the $6,000 ring back at him. I don't care what he does with it. He can give it to any other girl for all I care! It wasn't like the ring was engraved with my name on it. He had forgotten to do so. All those envious girls can have him.

He made my blood boil so much that if I had superpowers, the earth would shake with my rage right now! But, I know I will be fine. My life will not change. He has been gone too many times for my life to experience any significant changes.

You know, I would rather be alone and miserable for the rest of my life than be married AND miserable till the end of time! I will not make a mockery of marriage. It is, and will always be, a sacred entity to me. I will not go into any marriage, hoping beyond hope, that I won't be as miserable as I am now.

What is so difficult about saying "NO"? "No, I can't go. I just got back. I will take up another assignment, but not this one. I have made a promise to someone, and I would like to keep that promise." Now, what is so difficult about that???

He forgets that he is no longer living for himself! But he sure is now! He can go on and live the bachelor lifestyle that he so coveted. He has his own place now. So he can turn it into a bachelor pad like he had always wanted. I won't be there to stop him.

After all, I've always been a hindrance to his lavish lifestyle. Before I appeared in his life, he could spend as freely as he wanted. He didn't have to consider my feelings or the repercussions of his actions. Considering his failed marriage before, he may have not meant to be tied down anyway.

Some people are like that you know. They are naturally not inclined towards settling down. They obliged only because society dictates them so. They become unhappy. They make their partners unhappy. Then, the inevitable happens. Divorce.

So, yeah! He is now free to do whatever he wants! It's the end of the moddie and Ipy show.


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Sunday, June 15, 2008 @ 11:22 pm

Dear Blogger,

I still can't believe I attended a wedding on my own. A student of mine had invited me, even though I don't know the bride and groom. So, I felt obliged to attend.

It was a very fast affair. Within 10 minutes, I did what was necessary. I even managed a bite to eat! I said a bite because the event had ran out of dishes when I arrived. It was only 3 p.m.

I also managed to catch the bride and groom at the dais. A Malay girl wedded to an Indian Muslim boy. I was told that the bride requested $10,000 as her dowry. Fortunately, the boy had some pretty rich uncles.

Dowries make me sick! I didn't ask for any dowry. Nor did I allow my parents to request for one. A dowry was set only because his father wanted to give one.

So I set it at $8,000 because I like the number 8. That's quite a bargain basement rate if you think about it. Actually I like the number 28 more, but I couldn't set it at $28,000 could I? It'll just crush my beliefs into oblivion.

Anyway, back to that wedding. This was one of those combined wedding held at a community centre. These people just never learned do they?

Luckily, the auntie of the groom was a good hostess. She made sure I got a seat and ate something. She even brought me a drink! Indians are really huge on weddings aren't they?

Never ever cater a buffet for a wedding, especially at an enclosed place. That whole notion of it being cost-saving is a myth! Server-style is better I think. Slightly costly but every guest gets a fair share of the dishes, and no one is hurried to relieve his seat.

Maybe I'm just too critical for something that I'm not experienced at. Still, I've yet to attend a wedding that has blown me over.

Since I only managed to grab a bite at the wedding, I went early to the airport for dinner. I had Caesar's salad at Bill Bentley Pub. It came in a huge serving, and I really meant HUGE! It made me wonder why called it an appetiser when it could really be the main course?

Yummy Caesar's salad (half of the plate has already been eaten)

Many dining establishments in fact, serve their appetisers in huge portions. So there was really no reason to order a main course! No wonder dining out has proved detrimental to the waist line. Blame it on the Americans?

I'm not a wine enthusiast, but I must say that the salad did go well with white wine. Buffalo wings however, went well with an ice-cold draft of beer. That with a good screening of "300". Hey! I was killing time! Ipy's flight was delayed by a full 10 minutes!

View of Changi Airport Terminal 1 from Bill Bentley Pub on the 3rd floor

Feeling so much better and cheerier, Ipy and I headed out to Downtown East to catch "Kung Fu Panda". I've been wanting to watch this movie so much. Ipy just had to leave a few days before it opened. I had resisted the urge to just watch it myself. I think I'll do just that with "The Incredible Hulk".

Look at how much we've both grown!

Mmmm... Delicious!

I want a panda! I want a panda! I used to have a panda soft toy when I was 5 years old. It was my first soft toy. I brought it everywhere I went. It actually replaced my little baby pillow for awhile. Then, I threw up all over it in a bout of food poisoning. I have not seen that panda since.

The lovable Po in Kung Fu Panda

You know, every time I look at Po, that tummy of his reminds me so much of Ipy. I swear to God! Those two are so alike! That scene where Po tried to get out of bed in the morning... That was so Ipy! It is always very tricky trying to get him up in the morning. That guy can just lie there for hours!

Ipy's favourite animal is Garfield! That tells you so much about him.


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Saturday, June 14, 2008 @ 8:01 pm

Dear Blogger,

Daddy's health is deteriorating. Nobody says anything about it here, but it is plain for everyone to see. He can barely see anymore. Despite the gravity of the situation, mother feeds him whatever he wants. Pointless spending all that money on his diabetic medication then.

Maybe my mother wants him dead, so she can be free of caring for a chronically-ill, stroke-affected husband. I can understand that. She can easily score another man. Don't let that "tudung-wearing makcik" demeanour fool you. She's quite a flirt. A gene I've inherited from her.

Some people might be appalled at what I've just written. I don't care anymore. She has always shown preferences for her beloved sons. Not that I'm jealous, but shouldn't a mother treat her children fairly and unconditionally, regardless of age and gender? I guess I still live in an ideal world in my head.

One might argue that I brought this upon myself, what with my stubborn and liberal ways. If that is so, then why is my sister getting the same ill-treatment from her? What has she done? She is even the youngest child, traditionally spoilt and all-round loved by everyone.

With Daddy gone, I will have no one. He has usually supported my ideals till the very end. Even to the ridicule of his wife and siblings. I may not have been a decent child, yet, deep down, I know he loves me still.

I may be marrying Ipy, but at times, I feel like I'm marrying a stranger. He goes away so often, that the limited time we have together feels forced. When he's away, I can barely recognise the man I've posed together in all those pictures.

The bottomline is, no matter what I do or give, I am still alone. When I met Ipy, I thought, finally, I don't have to feel this wretched gloominess of loneliness. Over time, I felt even lonelier than before. Like I said, the seconds we spend together feels forced. Like they were combustible hydrogen-filled bubbles that can explode at any moment.

And when promises are broken, I step away even further. Even though I've repeatedly made it very clearly that I hate to be disappointed by broken promises, people who said they loved me, do so time and time again.

Like when Ipy said he would call me every day in Thailand. He made me wait by my silent phone day in day out, till I have no desire to answer any calls. Or when Daddy said that he'd fulfill my dream of an overseas degree programme. All I had to do was study hard and not worry about anything else. I have not forgotten that disappointment.

I may look as hard as stone, but I do have a fragile interior. No one here seems to care about that.


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Friday, June 13, 2008 @ 8:29 am

Dear Blogger,

Is there something happening in Singapore? I keep hearing whispers of the "Great Singapore Sale", but what "Great Singapore Sale"??? Granted, I have not been to Orchard Road lately. Still, from what I have seen in my friendly but constantly superbusy heartland mall, there isn't much of a "Great Singapore Sale" at all!

Not that I was out shopping for clothes or shoes (athough I would love to). I find it more gratifying to shop for groceries these days. I was doing "consumer research" on electrical appliances. Yes... I was out checking the best prices and best stores to make such purchases.

And I found my dream refrigerator! Although Ipy gave me a budget of $700 for a refrigerator, the ones that were within that budget didn't look like they were worth the price! They did not appeal to me at all.

But this one... the Panasonic Inverter Refrigerator (NR-B403V-S6) is a dream! It was retailing at $1,099 at both Best Denki and Courts. I know it's $300 above his budget. Still... considering the energy-saving factor and the 3 ticks awarded by Green Label, I believe it's worth the one-time cost. Besides, it has ample space for storage and it looks fabulous!

The Panasonic Inverter Refrigerator (NR-B403V-S6)

Considering that Ipy's job is an environmentalist nightmare, I don't think it's too much to ask to lead a green lifestyle right? The fact that I opted to not install any air conditioning unit at home is another consolation.

Anyway, after going round the major home electronic and electrical stores, I found that the store which offered the best deals and best prices is just a 5-minute walk from my home. The Harvey Norman Clearance Centre sells its products generally $100 lesser than the other stores. And they include the free stuff too!

If I have to compromise, I would rather have these appliances than go on a 2-week honeymoon in Egypt. It's not like I'll be able to enjoy my honeymoon anyway. I'll most probably be having my period then. So what's a honeymoon when you can't make out with your newlywed husband?

After the refrigerator, and the washer of course, it'll be the Samsung 46" full HD LCD panel, with the Home Theater System. Ipy may not be at home much to enjoy these things. But I will!

You know, I think he's lucky that I'm not asking for clothes, shoes or even jewellery. I'm not even aroused by them anymore!

All that walking and window-shopping is good for my weight-loss programme. I've been diligently waking up before 6 a.m. to run at least 2 km round the block. I've also forced myself to be stricter in my food intake journaling.

The results have been encouraging. Thank God! I've lost close to 3 kg in 5 days. It's quite a challenge, and if I keep this up, I'll be able to slide back into my acceptable BMI range before the pre-wedding outdoor photography shoot.

Gardenia Walnut Country Loaf - my new favourite bread. One slice, and you're full for the next 4 hours.


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Tuesday, June 10, 2008 @ 6:00 pm

Dear Blogger,

The cards are so pretty!!! Metallic silver hot-stamped letterings all round, with matching silver envelopes. I was almost afraid that the printer would get some detail wrong. Thank God that didn't happen!

Too bad I have to give them away to people who would discard them right after the event...

Now Ipy and I really have to get down to the guest lists. On his side, I believe he is more or less settled. It's my side that's a pain in my arse.

To be more specific, it's mother's side that's a pain in my arse. She has so many family members that I don't know who are related by blood and who are related by association!

Knowing a typical Javanese family, everyone expects to be invited. Doesn't matter if they deserved to or not. Of course I won't let that happen. We can only feed 200 guests. Seriously.

Daddy's side is easy. I don't know much about Bugis culture, but my paternal Bugis side of the family is not as "rowdy" as my maternal side. Basically, every one of my paternal aunts and uncles keep to themselves, and I prefer it that way.


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Monday, June 09, 2008 @ 10:11 pm

Dear Blogger,

I have a bad feeling about the wedding. The frost between mother and I have not thawed, and it looks unlikely to do so anytime soon. To be honest, I don't care much about her participation, or lack thereof.

She has always wondered where my "attitude" came from. She needn't have to look much further. As the proverb goes, the apple does not fall far from the tree.

For as long as I can remember, it has always been a war of wills between us. The colder she gets, the colder I get. We can live without saying anything or looking at each other for months!

Ipy said it was a case of "unsynchronised channels". I say it's a case of unsynchronised everything! We are as different as night and day! If I didn't inherit much of a her looks genes, no outsider would have thought we were related.

The wedding cards are ready for collection. Sigh... So soon... It's never a good sign when the bride isn't thrilled about her wedding cards.

I miss Ipy. He would know what to say or do.


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Saturday, June 07, 2008 @ 8:06 pm

Dear Blogger,

I've been cursed with a persistent headache today. Panadol and sleep don't seem to work on this throbbing pain of mine. I am overstuffed too. I couldn't stop polluting my body with junk food. It seems that the closer I get to wearing that damn wedding gown, the less resistant I've become to snacking.

Also, I've been feeling weak despite getting plenty of sleep. I don't know if it's physical or mental. However, I do know that one will affect the other.

I've not heard from Ipy since he left for Thailand. I thought it wasn't a good time for him to be away. I feel awfully sick, and he knows it! I'm just not sure what it is that I'm sick of. All I know is that I'm not myself.

What if it was cervical cancer? My late aunt had cancer. I don't know what cancer it was that she suffered from, but it was still cancer. What is scarier is that a part of me thinks it's cool if it was cancer. Some morbid excuse to die.

Deep down, I know my vagina's fine, except for the bleeding. It's probably due to extreme stress. Trauma even. I have never thought that sex could be traumatic, but I've been known to be subconsciously in denial often.

I mean, the justifications for sex have not been the same since my second termination. I didn't have to prove anything or use it to my advantage. It was just something I do now to "go with the flow". So, maybe, to be with a man again was traumatising. I just didn't know it!


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Friday, June 06, 2008 @ 3:16 pm

Dear Blogger,

The stress is getting on to me. On some days, I couldn't sleep at all. On other days, I wanted to do nothing but sleep the whole day! Eating has become crazy. Just yesterday, I had McDonald's twice in a day! I rarely eat fast food!

I eat more than I should. Even when I'm not hungry! So, I usually end up spending more time in the toilet right after eating. After years of induced vomiting, my fingers can really go deep down my throat now.

Oprah Winfrey once said in her magazine, if her viewers see her weight yo-yo-ing, that just means that she is not managing her life as well as she should. I do agree with her. When you can't manage your health, you can't manage everything else in your life.

Besides the wedding and situation at home, my vagina is now giving me undesirable thoughts. For the past 10 months or so, I have been bleeding during sex. It must have been during the act itself because I wasn't bleeding afterwards. Even then, I only knew about it the morning via the stained bed sheets.

Until now, I had only assumed that the blood stains were just residue from my menses, released only when rubbed against. I had been meaning to consult my gynaecologist about it, but other matters seemed to take priority over it.

When I finally did last evening, my gynaecologist couldn't even conclude with a diagnosis. We had to wait for the pap smear results 2 weeks later to find out. The preliminary examination didn't show any signs of polyps or growth in my cervix. So that was good I guess.

However, it did show an area of "erosion of the cervix wall" which had probably caused the bleeding upon contact. What caused the erosion? My gyneacologist did not want to speculate till the pap smear results have been released.

I know what everyone is thinking. Not to burst Ipy's perverted ego, but he is one of the gentlest guy I have ever made out with. He is also... err... quite Singaporean average... in that department. I have experienced crazier things before.

All of this just nails the fact that I'm not a young 20 year old anymore. Just last Wednesday, our night of revelry at The Arena at Clarke Quay didn't even pass the midnight hour. I was tired, woozy and I wanted to sleep.

To think, just barely 2 years ago, I could have danced and drank all night, and still go to work (or school) with an alert mind! Have I really aged that much???

Do not be fooled. That is a tired smile

Pecan tart from Marriot Hotel pastry shop (Ipy calls it 'pelican' tart)

At The Arena at Clarke Quay

The crowd wasn't as young as I was led to believe, but it must have been a navy night or something. There were way too many 'brothers' there. Ipy was naturally insecure because they were taller than him.

It was Ladies Night though. Free entry and free flow vodka and lychee martini for the girls. As with all Ladies Night promo, the free flow drinks were really more juice than poison. It was more worth it to pay for good drinks than join the long queue for abysmal thirst quenchers.

Supper at Hooters

Ipy, all cheesy grin, with a Hooters girl

So this was Hooters... Hard Rock Cafe with 80's style gym wear instead of live bands. Men are so easy to please.


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Wednesday, June 04, 2008 @ 10:41 am

Dear Blogger,

My shoulders are heavy. My head is spinning. I am losing my appetite, but I still stuff myself till I hate myself. I wonder if other brides go through what I am going through. Anyone would think that I was walking down the aisle of death instead of the aisle of matrimony.

I just need an inspiration. I don't know in what form. Just... something. If only God would give me some sort of a sign. Something.



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Monday, June 02, 2008 @ 2:29 pm

Dear Blogger,

I am feeling a little overwhelmed by past and future events. I didn't get much sleep last night. I held Ipy hostage in the car till 3 in the morning. We just talked.

I told him once and for all that I didn't want a wedding. I told him that this wedding was nothing but a burden to me. Not just financially. Emotionally. The nearer our nuptials get, the more drama there is at home.

Nobody at home talks about it, but their silence hangs like a thick cloud of suffocating smoke over our heads. I don't know what they want from me, especially Mother. One minute she wants me out of the house. The next minute she blackmails me emotionally for wanting to leave. It is both sad and sick.

I really want to get out. I don't want to be eternally trapped in this emotional sandpit. I have long accepted her bias towards her sons. However, I am drawing the line after having to clean up their mess once too many. I am not Wonder Woman as Ipy had called me.

Earlier in the day, I was already suffocating in a sea of Malay-Muslim families at Changi Airport Terminal 1. I think, only the Malays would come out in droves to see off one of their members on an umrah trip. Nothing wrong with that.

It is only wrong when second, third and forth cousins turn up and obstruct the authorities' work to administer a smooth embarkation process. We all wish our family and friends safe journey. Still, one doesn't have to be zealous about it.

Ipy and I were there because his father was going on an umrah, for the umpteenth time I believe. It was the first time I have met his siblings, in-laws, nephew and nieces all at once. Naturally, I couldn't warm up to any of them instantly. It took $18 worth of chocolates bought for the kids, to do just that.

Ipy at the airport. I convinced Ipy to dress more presentably. He was going to wear bermudas!

Two and half hours later and with growling stomachs, Ipy and I headed to Sakae Sushi at Marina Square for a late lunch. Why went to town on a Sunday was beyond me. I hate crowds! I guess, we have avoided going downtown for so long that we were curious to see if anything has changed there. Nothing has changed.

Ipy and I at Marina Square

Ipy with a soya bean pod. These pods were very addictive!

We headed back to the east to catch "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull". The movie was nostalgic (I grew up on the series!), even though the storyline was bordering on ridiculous at the end. Indiana Jones had gone X-Files!

Ipy with his double espresso at Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf Downtown East

We had BBQ chicken wings at East Coast Park for supper. I was already full by then, but I went along because I didn't want to go home so early. One could say that I was avoiding going home. I couldn't even run to our new home because of the renovations going on.

Nowhere to run.


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