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who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Thursday, February 21, 2008 @ 4:06 pm

Dear Blogger,

I had an epiphany today. What if all that has happened is a mistake? What if he is a mistake? What if I'm not meant to be with anyone? I know I've asked these questions so many times already. Somehow, the answers that were given weren't satisfactory or convincing enough to put my doubts to rest.

If they had been, why do I still feel this hollowness in my heart? My heart feels like a vacuum, devoid of any emotions. There's no love in my heart. I don't feel any love pumping in my heart! Why is that?!

Am I unhappy? Am I discontent? I don't know! There are so much that I should be grateful for; the oxygen I breathe, the water I drink, the soil I step on. Yet, I'm unable to appreciate the delectable pleasures of God's gift right now! As if, I've no more hope for anything.

If I have love, if I feel the love, then I wouldn't feel so wretched like this. But I don't feel the love! It wouldn't have been so torturous if I feel any hatred for something or someone. But I can't feel any hate either! What is wrong with me???

I wish I can say that I hate Ipy for getting me into this mess or I hate Ipy's job or I hate Ipy for leaving me alone like this. I can't. Because I don't. If I don't feel love, nor hate, what is there left for me?

Nobody knows how it's eating up my soul. It's not enough that my heart feels vacant. Now my soul's wilting like the roses he sent me. Roses that I used to mean something for me. Now they're just rotting expensive flowers.

I've considered calling it quits more times than I probably should. It's been said that if I'm experiencing more rain than sunshine in a relationship, then it's best to leave. It's a beguiling thought to ponder.


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