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who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Saturday, February 09, 2008 @ 8:39 am

Dear Blogger,

For the third time since we've met, I've tested for pregnancy. And all proved negative. I knew I wasn't pregnant, but it was something that my colleague told me last night, that brought doubts on my mind.

I googled for early symptoms of pregnancy, and there it was! Implantation bleeding, often mistaken for menstruation! What if I wasn't menstruating last week when I started vomiting all through the night? There's the usual nausea, fatigue, swollen breasts, among others. I have been kind of sickly lately. Headaches and nausea and my breasts do feel a little sore and swollen. So how could I not have doubts???

But my instincts were right. I was not pregnant. It was just my mind playing tricks again. The baby bug must have been hitting me again. This conflicting emotions are starting to annoy me. Of course I don't want to be pregnant now! But why do I feel disappointed when the test proved negative?

Either I'm ovulating or I'm under a lot of stress, from which I'm not sure what the root cause was. Or I could just be feeling lonely. I try not to feel or think of these things. I'm learning very hard to control all these negative emotions. It's just so... frustratingly challenging!

I'm not sure if Ipy wants kids as much as I do. It's like, strike once, it's a relief. Strike two, you start thinking. Then strike three, you're out! I don't know if he can even make me conceive! This isn't a fair question. I'm being unreasonable. Damn that pregnancy test!


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