modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Monday, December 31, 2007 @ 3:49 pm

Dear Blogger,

It's the last day of 2007. As you can see here, my blog*spot has undergone a makeover. I've been "white" for a while now, thinking that what I needed this year was a dose of minimalism after years of experimental living. I'm tired of that now.

"Pink" is young, pretty (Pretty in Pink anyone?), sweet and innocent fun! It's also the colour of "girls" and "women" as represented by the Pink ribbon campaigns (breast cancer) and some other women organisations that I can't seem to recall right now.

Today would have been a good day to reflect on the happenings of 2007. But I thought, why bother since I reflect pretty frequently in my blogs anyway. Besides, I don't remember much of this year. That's not surprising considering that I started the year in tears. How apt then that I'm ending the year in tears.

So why dwell on the past when there's a future full of wonderful opportunities awaiting me? 2008 will be a special year for me. First and foremost, I'll be celebrating my 28th birthday on the 28th of January (I know Ipy's reading things. He often does. Sometimes, I think this is the only effective way I can get my messages across to him).

Secondly, 8th August 2008 ("888" is a lucky number to the Chinese) is a super hot date! Don't bother booking anything on that day. Almost everything, from weddings to dinners are happening on that day. I know. I've tried.

And of course, there is the much-anticipated wedding of yours truly. But I won't go there yet. There are other more important and more fun things to do than a wedding.

So goodbye 2007. Hello 2008!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, December 30, 2007 @ 6:30 pm

Dear Blogger,

I haven't stopped crying. I cried in the car. I cried in the bus. I cried in the train. I even cried at work! But as I've said before, nobody wants to see you cry. Even when I'm not feeling alright, I have to pretend that things are fine and dandy. I have to fake a smile even when my heart feels like lead on the inside.

So you see, how can I not be messed up? Even when I'm weak, I've to pretend to be strong. Such is the state of our world today when pretending rules our lives.

Gordon Lightfoot - If You Could Read My Mind


If you could read my mind love
What a tale my thoughts could tell
Just like an old time movie
About a ghost from a wishing well

In a castle dark or a fortress strong
With chains upon my feet
You know that ghost is me
And I will never be set free
As long as I'm a ghost that you can't see

If I could read your mind love
What a tale your thoughts could tell
Just like a paperback novel
The kind that drugstores sell

When you reach the part where the heartaches come
The hero would be me
But heroes often fail
And you won't read that book again
Because the endings just too hard to take

I'd walk away like a movie star
Who gets burned in a three-way script
Enter number two

A movie queen to play the scene
Of bringing all the good things out in me
But for now love, lets be real

I never knew I could act this way
And I've got to say that I just don't get it
I don't know where we went wrong
But the feeling's gone
And I just can't get it back

If you could read my mind love
What a tale my thoughts could tell
Just like an old time movie
About a ghost from a wishing well

In a castle dark or a fortress strong
With chains upon my feet
But stories always end

And if you read between the lines
You'll know that I'm just trying to understand
The feelings that we lack

I never knew I could feel this way
And I've got to say that I just don't get it
I don't know where we went wrong
But the feeling's gone
And I just can't get it back

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, December 29, 2007 @ 11:55 pm

Dear Blogger,

I was soaked. I was cold. I was lonely. If you had seen a girl walking in the downpour along New Upper Changi Road, somewhere after Bedok MRT Station into Bedok South, that would have been me. Why was I walking in the rain?

Because it started raining after I walked along the pavement! And there was no shelter anywhere till 10m metres away! There was nothing else to do but move forward. Even if that means getting soaked through my undies!

I reiterate. I was soaked through and through. I was freezing. I was lonely. And I was crying. Motorists gawked at me like some circus freak. Pedestrians walked quickly past me without offering to share their umbrella. I was angry.

I was already late for tuition. I had to jostle through the weekend Orchard Road crowd. I hated my job. I had to stand in the train on my aching feet. So the heavy rain was really the icing on my cake. Oh no! That wasn't it! Ipy's insensitivity was definitely the bitter icing on my lousy cake!

He couldn't give me the emotional support when I needed it most. If he can't even do that, I don't see what is there left for us. He's not here physically, so fine! But with all the wonders of communication advancement man has made, he couldn't even be there for me emotionally???

How can I not doubt the legitimacy of his affection? How can I not question his suitability to be my marital partner? He still doesn't understand. It's never the material possessions. It's always the attention to my mental, spiritual and emotional needs that completes me. He couldn't even do that.

I was so lonely, and frightened, that I contacted the people in my past. Even Din. None replied, except Din. As usual, he was just leading me on. The point was, I had nobody. Nobody at all. Nobody to meet up for a heart-to-heart chat. Nobody to just be with to forget everything else. Even God had deserted me. He left me in the rain didn't He?

Honestly, what is there left for us? I am devastatingly heartbroken. There'll be tears on my pillow tonight. There are already tears now.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, December 28, 2007 @ 11:12 pm

Dear Blogger,

I must be a sadist. Seriously! What sane person eats and throw up? Not when she just spent almost $30 just because she felt the need to indulge herself. She could have bought shoes that she had been resisting the whole day. But noooooo! She went weak on sushi and sashimi. Next time, indulge on shoes girl!

I'm being hard on myself because I really, really have to be financially-disciplined. I aimed to clear my debts by end of next year, so I can move on to other debts! You know, call me crazy, but what's good about being in debt when you're young is that you'll get smarter about financial management in the later years.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, December 26, 2007 @ 2:12 pm

Dear Blogger,

I am deeply troubled. Instead of wanting to feel reflective this end of year period, I was reminded of the financial agreement I had made with a court-happy party 2 years ago. Even though I have been diligently paying off the damages every month, I had forgotten that this mode of payment couldn't last forever. It has been 2 years already, and I've only managed to fulfill half of the cost.

I think that's more than what any self-supporting full-time student could have done. But some businessmen are blind to disadvantaged folks. I won't whine. I have to be responsible for my own actions. No one else caused that accident in the wee hours of the morning except me.

Furthermore, I had accommodated to pay off the other driver's damages despite the fact that my car was more wrecked than his. Still, I had accommodated, in goodwill and guilt. Of course, later on, I had learned that most people tend to take advantage of that goodwill. But that is another matter for another day.

Instead of dwelling on the problem, I forced myself to think of solutions. The solution that kept coming to my head was to ask Ipy for help. But I can't. Not when it is my financial burden. Even without my pride, I can't ask anyone to help me in this. I've caused too many problems to my family already. Even if it means being hauled to court again.

On another matter, I wanted to cancel all social events, like this Saturday's wedding invitation, because I've not been feeling mighty cordial of late. It seemed that all I wanted to do now was to hole myself up at home and shun every physical contact with other humans! I know it is that time of the month, but pre-menstrual syndrome has never depressed me this bad before. I had even wanted to shave my head off earlier on!

Is the incoming 2008 triggering all these emotional instability? Will the suicidal-depression acts of 2003 - 2004 repeat themselves in 2008? I've just eaten a large plateful of rice, and that's not a good sign! I feel so emotionally-retarded.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, December 25, 2007 @ 10:53 pm

Dear Blogger,

Sometimes I wonder why I do the things I do. Like why do I eat when I feel guilty, and feel guilty when I eat? Why do I dislike visiting relatives in hospital? Why do I push people away? Why do I care what everyone thinks? Why do I think so much?

Ipy was worried that I still have unanswered questions. Questions about us most probably. I think he was worried that these questions might cloud our possibilities for a successful couplehood. What he failed to realise was that these questions and all those other questions that I am fond of asking, are what make me more human. They develop my soul.

I've warned him last night that I needed to be alone. Not because I was angry nor disappointed, not even frustrated with him. I was all that with myself. My inability to be reasonable with his irregular work requirements has been a regular perpetrator of my emotional instability. I can't be battling with myself every time he doesn't return home when he said he would.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, December 24, 2007 @ 3:06 pm

Dear Blogger,

I must have been crazy to go shopping today. It's Christmas eve! Every mall was swarmed with shoppers and browsers! Yet, I braved the crowds just to clear my to-do list. I had memberships to apply and renew. I had assessment books to buy for my students. And I just had to buy some groceries today!

Then, my boss wanted me to head down to Orchard Road so that she could give me her Christmas gift. I may have foolishly endured the sea of people at the two malls in Tampines. But if she had thought that I was going to head down to the depths of human hell that would be Orchard Road today, she must be bonkers. I'm not THAT crazy!

She could give it to me on those days when I'm at work. Or she could just forget about it. I'm not too bothered about it. I'm not being ungrateful here. Some people have to realise that my life does not revolve around this work. Life should not even revolve around work of whatever nature!

Finally, on a day when I had actually chose to not think of him, Ipy decided to remind me of his presence. What? He didn't call me the night before, and he made it up by leaving me an SMS? And only after reading my blogs? Was that guilty-conscience or truly coincidence?

You know, we're not even married yet, and already I feel like nobody wants to know me for who I am but what I am. And what I am now is Ipy's girlfriend. I can't change people nor the situation nor the world for that matter! No matter how hard I try!

All I can change is myself. So I grin and bear it and just do what pleases me. Even if that means distancing myself from him every now and then.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, December 23, 2007 @ 8:11 pm

Dear Blogger,

I had, not one, but two dreams last night. Neither has any relations with each other. Not that I could think of anyway.

The first dream had Ipy and I out for lunch. Before I could even order, Ipy said he had to return home in an hour because his sister wanted him to mind her kids. Of course I got upset! If he's going to leave so soon, then don't ask me out in the first place!

I remembered what I asked him in that dream so clearly. I asked him if he would still babysit his nieces and nephew after we got married, in sarcasm. I don't know why I said those words to him. That wasn't why I was pissed off with him. People say the most hurtful and irrational things when they're angry.

Anyway, I was so upset about it that I got up and left. He didn't even try to stop me. He left too. I saw his car drove off, and he didn't even look back. Was this a sign of things to come?

My second dream was a more uplifting one. I dreamed that I was doing well in the programme that I wanted to take. I guess that was the sign from God which I had asked for. A sign that would eradicate the doubts I had been feeling about taking up this career choice.

Strangely, Ipy was nowhere in sight in that dream.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, December 22, 2007 @ 7:40 pm

Dear Blogger,

I am so going to quit my weekend job soon. I'm getting tired and bored with it. It's not all bad. It's when crowds start vying for my attention that's tiring. But I have to give this up. I've been doing this for slightly over a year already, and it has served its purpose. It's time to move on to more challenging things. Something that pays a bit more too!

Part of me still doesn't want to go out and have a full-time job. I don't want to be one of those drones who spends 3/4 of his time at work! I don't really care much about the stable salary and bonuses either. What's stable now anyway??? I want to retain my flexibility to do anything I want within the 24 hour I'm allocated.

But to do that, either I've to marry a really wealthy person, or I've to move to a developing country. Sure I could live like a simpleton. But why torture myself with deprivation right? As much as my material wants have waned over the years, I still want to maintain a comfortable living.

Carefree or pragmatism? Oh the dilemma!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, December 21, 2007 @ 7:01 pm

Dear Blogger,

I really tried to be positive today. I really did! But boredom got the better of me. You know how I am when I get bored. I'll start thinking to the depth of the earth and then I'll depress myself silly. I thought I could awaken Ipy from his slumber, but then I remembered; He's in India.

I have never thought that I could ever be monogamously faithful to anyone. It's something that I have always warned Ipy about. I know I'm scaring him unnecessarily, but if I don't even believe that I could be monogamous, why should he, right? I mean, it's only fair that he's aware of my flaws.

I think Ipy doesn't have anything to worry about. Guys aren't exactly clamouring for my number now. They seem to know that I've a boyfriend, and they avoid me like some plague. It's sad really. I feel so... undesirable. It's as if being in a relationship wipes out all the desirable factors I had in me!

I guess what keeps me feeling alive is the feeling or even the notion of being wanted and yearned for. It's the thrill of the chase and the witty repartee between two potential, forbidden lust of a man and a woman. Obviously, I've not been getting any of that for quite a while. Even sex seems like *gasp* routine now.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, December 20, 2007 @ 8:15 pm

Dear Blogger,

My alarm clock rang early before sunrise as usual. As usual, I got up only to shut it off, then continue my slumber. But today, I decided to laze on the sofa in the living room, so that the "takbir" on the radio could seep through my subconsciousness.

It was Aidiladha once again. It's less festive than Aidilfitri but has more religious significance. I don't know why people here don't celebrate it as much as they do on Aidilfitri. I guess, perhaps because of its religious significance, different people choose to celebrate it in different ways. Some gather with family and friends. Some reflect in quiet. As for me, it has always been a time when God "speaks" to me the most.

I watched "Revealed: The Hajj" on Discovery Channel in the morning. Although I've watched similar documentaries so many times already, this one left me in awe. More than dealt with a pilgrim's experience, it focused on the science and technology put into place to ensure a smooth Hajj pilgrimage for the millions of Muslims.

When I went for an "umrah" many, many years ago, I knew that God was watching my every move. But I didn't know that the Saudi military was watching me too via Big Brother cameras! Then again, these boys had other bigger issues to worry about than watching me pick my teeth in public.

When watching the documentary, it sorted of sealed my intention to go on the Hajj. Hopefully before I turn 40! I recalled the self-declaration I made on my birthday this year; If I don't get married by the time I'm 30, I'll go on the Hajj! Hmmm... Perhaps God thought that I won't be ready at 30, so He led me to Ipy first.

Well... here's to the safe return of the pilgrims!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, December 19, 2007 @ 3:53 pm

Dear Blogger,

Finally, I can de-clutter my thoughts. Strangely, I was unable to do that when Ipy's around. Even though there were so many things I wanted to write about, my head just couldn't form proper sentences! Now that I'm blogging again, you know that he's flown off.

He has been here for slightly over a month. Honestly speaking, I was feeling a little stuffy with his extended presence. It wasn't him. I know it was just me. I was getting too dependent on him, and I didn't like it! Experience has shown me that if I get too dependent on someone, I'll lose my identity and worse, even reality itself.

I still haven't found the answers I was yearning for. But I still have faith that the answers will come to me. Is Ipy the man for me? I will never know. All I know is that he complements me. Someone said we're good for each other because we had the same smile. He was just being a smooth-talking salesman I think.

I could never tolerate his mess, but I don't think he could tolerate my erratic moods either. He could sit or lie motionless for hours, while I'd go crazy if I were to do the same. Still, we put up with each other's idiosyncrasies for reasons unknown. Maybe we're just getting too old for young lovers' drama.


Ipy chilling out with his espresso at McCafe East Coast Park


My cappuccino from McCafe




Delightful ice cream desserts from Haagen Dazs (the brownie was awesome!)


Ipy testing my pinky PSP Slim at Pacific Coffee Vivocity

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, December 15, 2007 @ 11:50 pm

Dear Blogger,

I have never regretted turning down all invitations to any functions, and that is for a good reason. If I had attended any of these functions, I'd cause more damage than good. I'm a social-etiquette moron. But I'm learning! That's why I'm here at this religious feast hosted by one of my students.

Boy! Did I regret it big time! I guess being an Indian Muslim, they're really big on feasting. And as a Malay Muslim who doesn't even believe in unnecessary feasting, it was quite a culture shock. To add to the discomfort, it was religious-based. I knew what was expected, but my expectation was slightly off. I was like a fish riding a bicycle.

I guess I should take this experience positively. If everyone was just like me, there won't be any traditions in practise! I've always watched in wander about the different cultures shown on those Travel and Living Channel shows. So why do I discriminate unfamiliar customs being practised in my hometown?

It is true what the great philosophers say. Lack of knowledge brings fear to people. My lack of social aptitude skills have made me judge these people unfairly. Now I'm ashamed of myself.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, December 12, 2007 @ 12:47 am

Dear Blogger,

Even though I'm into healthcare, I'm really not into visiting patients at hospitals. Seeing big families gathering to meet the patients are at best, unnerving. I seem to lose my communication skills and confidence in situations like these. Let's face it! I'm not actually Miss Popular nor Miss Congeniality here.

Still, that (hopefully) won't stop me from pursuing healthcare as a career option. I don't understand why I can't fit in. It's not dealing with the patients that are difficult. It's dealing with their families and relatives that are stressful! I can't even deal with mine. So how in the world am I to deal with others???

By the way, a gentleman never, ever leaves a woman wandering about in the middle of the night all on her own. No matter what she says! Even if she insists on walking miles in solitude, a gentleman will walk one step behind her.

Maybe she's feeling angry. Maybe she's feeling sad. Maybe she's feeling vulnerable. Maybe she's feeling confused. Maybe she feels helpless, unwanted, unworthy of anything. Maybe she has lost herself. Maybe she has lost her faith. Maybe she has lost her meaning of life. So many maybes, but she can't find the answers.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, December 05, 2007 @ 7:51 pm

Dear Blogger,

Ipy bought me a complete set of Sony PSP Slim in rose pink, and I'm uncomfortable with it. I didn't ask for it. He mentioned it and I just said OK. I thought he was only joking. I didn't think he would actually buy it!

I'm uncomfortable with it because it isn't a must-have item. It's nice to have though. But that few hundred dollars can be better spent on something else like white gold chain with pendant or more shoes. I haven't played PS games since Time Crisis on my PS2 at the turn of the millennium!

I don't know why he bought it for me. If it was because I had asked for it, that would be so wrong. Since he had already bought it, I guess I've to be grateful and not suspect him of any hidden agenda. I've to return the favour though. I won't be able to live with myself if I don't present him with something.

I'll save up for a timepiece for him I guess. What else can I get him with my limited budget??? A pair of CK boxers seems so common after this. More reason for me to get a decent pay cheque.


Ipy's first trip to JB by bus

Sincerely
modgurl.

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Tuesday, December 04, 2007 @ 11:26 pm

Dear Blogger,

Ipy and I spent a day shopping at City Square JB just because we didn't have any other things to do. He's on his last few days here before he flies off for another job. Much of the outstanding tasks have been settled. So what better way to slack than to abuse our strong currency in our neighbouring country?

Actually, we didn't spend much. We bought what we wanted. We had to keep reminding ourselves not to spend unnecessarily. At our age, I think we should spend just enough to keep ourselves happy.

Over our very late lunch, Ipy and I talked about our impending "official" engagement. As far as I'm concerned, he's already my fiance. If both our parents had thought that this engagement was supposed to be like some conventional ceremony, I wouldn't hesitate at all to cancel it.

At first, I wanted this engagement as a way to get our families together and for us to formally announce our intention of a union. Us meaning me and Ipy. But since both parties know that we're getting married anyway, so why bother??? Of course, my not-so-obvious agenda is to show off my uber-beautiful diamond ring to everyone.

Tradition can take a back seat. I have no intention of letting our parents run the show when this is supposed to be our event! If Ipy can't be present to slip the ring onto my finger, then I'll have none of this nonsense. There is no way I'm going to be banished into my room and pretend to be some shy virgin!

No exchanges of gifts. No congregation of prayers. No sending out invites. Some women live for this, but I don't. I'll be even more upset if money, time and energy is wasted on some impractical, out-of-date rituals! All of this can be well-spent on our future instead. That's enough for me.

If they're shocked about the no-engagement ceremony thing, wait till they hear how our wedding will be like. It's a "blink and you'll miss it" kind of wedding.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, December 03, 2007 @ 11:42 pm

Dear Blogger,

Ever since Ipy was introduced to my family, and his intentions made known, my mother has been asking and requesting him for favours which are inappropriate to say the least. I am very uncomfortable with it, and often times, I've to step in like the bad guy in this whole picture to stop this nonsense.

Most of the time, these favours should be taken up by my first brother. Being the default crown prince of the household, favours like driving my mother to wherever, are his responsibilities. Besides, he's the one with the car in the family now!

This weekend, my second brother is getting engaged. Since my dad is no longer capable of representing our family, it falls on my first brother to take his place! Instead, my mother has asked an uncle to sit in. What? She has no other sons???

Even though I'm the eldest child, I'm female and a useless daughter. Despite living in the 21st century, I'm still living in a sexist society where our religious and social customs are rife with sexist practices. This will not change ever no matter how many women are supporting men in all aspects now.

So! The crown prince is out gallivanting on the streets with his souped up car. The throne is already vacant. Yet he sits on it only when he pleases. Even then, my mother dotes on him like a rare gold bar, further boosting his already inflated ego.

Is life fair? Never has it been fair since Adam and Eve were banished from the heavens.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, December 02, 2007 @ 9:27 pm

Dear Blogger,

So many things happening and happened. So many things to do and did. So much fun had and still having. All these activities can be very exhausting, but you know what? I enjoyed every minute doing them with Ipy!


Ipy at the National Library


Ipy and the city skyline via the National Library






Just us kids loving ourselves on camera at the National Library


View of the Hotel Inter-Continental from The Retreat garden at the National Library

I'm glad he didn't run off to sea so soon this time. I can sleep easier now knowing that we'd really have the wedding we both want and a palace we can call our own. Now I can move on to re-achieving my personal goals.








Murals on the walls of the railway station at Tanjong Pagar





Ipy posing for his faux holiday pictures at the railway station


Ipy trying to get a decent shot of the Christmas lights along Stamford Road

Last night, we attended a wedding dinner at The Regent hotel. Boy! Indian weddings can sure last for weeks! I had nothing fanciful to wear. Didn't even have a gown to match the occasion! Even if I had, I wouldn't want to lug it around to work.


Ipy at The Regent hotel lobby during the pre-dinner cocktails


Me at The Regent hotel lobby

I would love to prance around in those glorious saris most of the guests had worn last night. I don't have anything remotely Indian in my wardrobe because I have never fancied all the "blings" that Indians seem to be fond of. But, I am curious to how I'd look in a sari.

It was a night of good food and free-flow drinks. Well... almost free-flow drinks. The beer had ran out before the last course. After 2 glasses of red wine, 2 glasses of white wine, a glass of beer and a glass of whisky coke, you can imagine how "happy" I was.


Our dinner table conveniently located near the major exits

I couldn't believe Ipy dragged me to the dance floor for the slow dance. It was our first ever slow dance, and we sucked! The dance floor after all that drinking didn't seem too intimidating at the end of the night. Although, I wouldn't hesitate to erase the memory of Ipy dancing to the "dangdut". Hilarious seemed such an understatement.




We just can't resist taking photos of ourselves!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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