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who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Sunday, November 25, 2007 @ 9:00 am

Dear Blogger,

My head had been swimming in deep thoughts of life choices the whole day, and the heavy load had caused some aching on my neck. Then I realised that the root of the issue boiled down to just one question: What do I really want?

It was a toss between two undervalued, underpaid and overworked, but surely supremely satisfying "careers". I am so comfortable living a freer life right now that the thought of joining an official workforce with long blocks of working hours is very daunting. Disturbing even!

If I were to take up this opportunity to join the workforce, most of my time will be taken up with work. It is a vocation that required sacrifice, and that sacrifice would be my ability to raise a decent family. I don't want to sacrifice that!

I want to have many children. I want to watch them grow. I want to be able to be there with them in their important years. I want to ferry them around to their classes and their football games. But I won't be able to do all that if I join this workforce. With Ipy's job the way it is, being more physically present for my kids becomes ever more imperative!

Furthermore, both Ipy and I don't have age on our side. This is the time for us to be stable in almost every aspect of our lives. If I wait childbearing, I don't even know if he'll be able to give me a child. I don't even know if I'm capable of carrying one!

For some unknown reason, I'm unable to communicate this with Ipy. Perhaps it's the guilt in me knowing that if I chose this path, the financial burden will be on him. As I've said before, it's pointless maintaining an upper-class lifestyle if he's going to be away more often.

It's sad thinking about it. It's like I've to decide between children and a regular income. It's a selfish thought really. I think, at this stage, having children will be more rewarding than having a regular income. I just don't know why. I just know.


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