posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Monday, November 26, 2007 @ 11:05 pm

Dear Blogger,

Looks like Ipy isn't really supportive of my choice to be a soccer mom. I couldn't blame him for not understanding. I didn't quite directly explained to him why I preferred that option. I couldn't even understand myself when I rationalised it to him! But I tried.

I guess I've to be a worker bee like everyone else. Sigh... I hate to work for money. Money isn't a strong enough justification for me to endure 8 - 9 hours of work daily, and not being able to be physically present for my kids in their growing years.

All these talks about finances are so distracting to the other beauties life has to offer. The old saying that money is the root of all evil is so true. Whatever it was, the conclusion seemed to be that childbearing would have to wait. Parenting won't be manageable until I'm well in my 30s and he'd be in his 40s.

That would have made me no better than any other adult who considered children as investments. Such a sad world we're living in when monetary value is attached to procreation.

To distract myself temporarily, I made this beanie for Ipy. It was my first try at crocheting a beanie and it fitted his big head quite comfortably. I did it in less than 4 hours. A sense of accomplishment in an otherwise straining day.

Striped crocheted beanie in shades of brown

Full beanie modelled by Ipy

Ipy wearing beanie folded at the the hem


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Sunday, November 25, 2007 @ 9:00 am

Dear Blogger,

My head had been swimming in deep thoughts of life choices the whole day, and the heavy load had caused some aching on my neck. Then I realised that the root of the issue boiled down to just one question: What do I really want?

It was a toss between two undervalued, underpaid and overworked, but surely supremely satisfying "careers". I am so comfortable living a freer life right now that the thought of joining an official workforce with long blocks of working hours is very daunting. Disturbing even!

If I were to take up this opportunity to join the workforce, most of my time will be taken up with work. It is a vocation that required sacrifice, and that sacrifice would be my ability to raise a decent family. I don't want to sacrifice that!

I want to have many children. I want to watch them grow. I want to be able to be there with them in their important years. I want to ferry them around to their classes and their football games. But I won't be able to do all that if I join this workforce. With Ipy's job the way it is, being more physically present for my kids becomes ever more imperative!

Furthermore, both Ipy and I don't have age on our side. This is the time for us to be stable in almost every aspect of our lives. If I wait childbearing, I don't even know if he'll be able to give me a child. I don't even know if I'm capable of carrying one!

For some unknown reason, I'm unable to communicate this with Ipy. Perhaps it's the guilt in me knowing that if I chose this path, the financial burden will be on him. As I've said before, it's pointless maintaining an upper-class lifestyle if he's going to be away more often.

It's sad thinking about it. It's like I've to decide between children and a regular income. It's a selfish thought really. I think, at this stage, having children will be more rewarding than having a regular income. I just don't know why. I just know.


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Friday, November 23, 2007 @ 7:47 pm

Dear Blogger,

Nothing exciting happened today. Not even a view of a gorgeous man in sight! I'm not kidding. My legs felt like there were chains attached, and I was dragging them all through the day. I wanted to be alone today. Shut out from the rest of the world. I wanted to be in my little black box and be miserable all on my own.

What was the point of being with people anyway??? I'm a boring person! I've no friends! I've Ipy, who's just... safe, stable, old Ipy. Besides, I'm mentally unsound. What kind of sane person would eat and then vomit her guts out just for the fun of it? Only moi.

View of the East Coast Park coastline on Wednesday

Ipy and me at the jetty nearest to Fort Road, after walking about 2 km from the food centre. It took us about 1.5 hours to walk a total of 4 km along East Coast Park. I could have walked faster if only Ipy wasn't naturally lazy. He was only doing this because he had to go reservist pretty soon.

Ipy, all manly perspiration, on our walk back to the food centre. This was taken near the seafood centre.


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Thursday, November 22, 2007 @ 11:06 pm

Dear Blogger,

I attended an Indian wedding in a Hindu temple this evening, because I've never been to one and I was curious to meet Ipy's colleagues. Never, ever trust a man with dress codes. Only a man will tell you that the dress code to a wedding ceremony is casual.

I felt mis-dressed. I wore pants (not jeans!) and cream cardigan. This was my "casual". Not only was I inappropriately dressed, despite people telling me that I still looked beautiful, the wedding ceremony was reminiscent of a Malay wedding. I should not be surprised since our Malay weddings were ridiculously inspired by Hindu weddings.

The night didn't end well. I was getting easily flustered, and bored. Ipy was... Ipy. I've already told him that I was bored, twice. He didn't act on them. So what could I do? I lost interest in him and remained quiet on the journey home.

I'm bored. I'm craving for some stimulation. I'm craving for excitement! After a week together, half of me just wants him to go away. I mean, there's no point for him to hang around with me when he isn't doing anything but tailing me like some love-sick puppy!

Sometimes I wonder if he'll be better off with some girl who's more conservative. Someone who is easily content. Someone who respects tradition despite what bollocks some rituals can be. Someone who doesn't get bored so easily. Someone who's typically Malay.

He is a good person. A traditional boy in a community sense. That's why our theologies and beliefs clash often! I hate it when that happens! It bothers me greatly when he preaches religious morality without being able to justify it to my face. "It's God's will" or "because it's written in the Quran" aren't valid justifications to me.

Sure, my knowledge on Islam has major gaping holes, but don't give me this bullshit on material wealth distribution and women's rights and responsibilities in the name of Islam. Rationality has served me very well for 27 years. So I don't see why I've to accept certain "rules" without convincing justification. Islam may mean "submission" but it doesn't mean to submit without thinking.

It's more than just clashes of ideologies. I need to be stimulated! I need to be entertained! I need to be inspired! If I don't get any of these, I'm... dull. I'd rather be dead than dull! It's depressing enough that I'm financially inadequate and socially retarded when standing next to him. Must I die of boredom too???


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Tuesday, November 20, 2007 @ 11:33 pm

Dear Blogger,

Feeling a little tired because I've been spending lots of time with Ipy. Mainly to catch up on our outstanding tasks.

Light-up along Orchard Road on Sunday night

Ipy and the giant Christmas tree at Paragon shopping mall

Ipy and I trying to get a perfect shot

Rojak with cuttlefish at Changi Village

Nasi ayam penyet at Changi Village


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Saturday, November 17, 2007 @ 6:41 pm

Dear Blogger,

There were so many things I wanted to write about in the last few days, but I was either tired of going online or suffering from a writer's block. So, I'm going to do it with pictures.

I've taken up crochet again after many, many years. Most probably because I was sick of noticing the unused balls of yarns on my shelf. And why oh why did I buy green yarn??? What was I thinking???

A table runner completed in about 3 days. It looks thick because I had used an 8 ply yarn instead of the usual 2 or 4 ply. My coffee table is not red. That's my sofa. My coffee table is dark green marble. Go figure!

A one-handled string bag. Big enough to fit a purse, mobile phone, mp3 player, a packet of tissue, house keys, lipstick and compact powder. It was supposed to be the size of a shopping bag, but I ran out of yarn. Couldn't find the exact same ball of yarn anywhere.

I'm really disappointed with Spotlight. It's supposed to be Singapore's largest handicraft store. Yet, its selection of yarns is so limited! If Spotlight can't carry a decent selection of yarns, what about our neighbourhood craft stores???

Goofy-grinned Ipy, home from Australia. His flight landed at about 5 a.m., so we drove to Changi Beach to catch the sunrise. But it was blocked by the heavy clouds. Had some time afterwards to have a rare breakfast together before I went off to work.

Mama Koala and Baby Koala, imported all the way from Darwin

After work, I accompanied Ipy to his football friendly with his colleagues. I encouraged him in fact! He was finding all sorts of excuses to miss it! I was determined to whip him into an acceptable fitness-level shape, in time for his in-camp reservist a few weeks from now. So this was a good start!

It was lonely being the only female in a field full of guys. But it didn't matter. None of the boys came up to me to introduce himself. It was rude, but this was a company where testosterones and machismo ruled. So maybe they felt awkward having a pretty cheerleader around.

Ipy warming up to join the game. I was very proud of him. He played very well for his... err... girth.

The game in progress

It was only half-time and the all the players were already flat out! As soon as the whistle was blown, everyone whipped out his cigarettes. Gee... I wonder why they had a hard time breathing...

That wasn't the end of our day. It should have ended here actually, because the evening half of the day was excruciatingly painful to tolerate to say the least. Ipy had lent his car to his friend, who would be getting married this weekend. Naturally, the car had to be sent for a "makeover". Since I was the best man's girlfriend, I had to accompany him through that ordeal.

The bridal car after the makeover. Just these ribbons and flowers cost a few hundred dollars! I can't believe people would pay for these!

I couldn't even look at the car! Just the thought of anything related to a wedding would spiral me into an anxiety attack. I didn't want to be driven home in the car. Firstly, it was embarrassing. Secondly, it's a bloody bridal car!

I simply can't understand why our society has to indulge in extravagance when it comes to weddings. It's the irrational extravagance of weddings that makes me despise weddings so much! So much so that I don't even want to think of my own wedding! I don't want to talk about it either!

I will automatically go stiff and deaf when anyone talks about weddings. Then I'll start scratching my neck in agitation. Then I'll fidget about like a restless child, until I'm out into my own personal space. Weddings are like fires burning me alive.

So... I have to the weekend to myself again. Sad yes. Everybody wants a piece of my Ipy.


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Tuesday, November 13, 2007 @ 7:42 pm

Dear Blogger,

I went to the Singapore Botanic Gardens this afternoon, even though the sun was shining too bright and the likelihood of rain looked minimal. I went in the afternoon because I couldn't decide between Pulau Ubin and the Botanic Gardens. By the time I had decided, it seemed too late to go over to another island.

I just needed to do something different that's all. I didn't want to rot at home, even though my crocheted table runner was almost completed. I didn't want to go shopping, because I would only receive my next wage in 2 weeks. The sun was out after so many days of rain, and my pale skin could do with a little tan. So, a walk around the Botanic Gardens seemed perfect. Besides, walking burns calories.

The grand main entrance to the Singapore Botanic Gardens via Tanglin Road

Pavilion at Swan Lake

The serene Swan Lake (couldn't help but thought of Tchaikovsky when I was here)

I've always wondered why there were only 2 swans here

"Swing Me Mama" sculpture at Swan Lake

Lush lawns for picture-perfect bridal photography (coincidentally, there was a bridal photography in progress! The bride posed on a swing while the groom pushed her. Cheesy I know!)

Refreshing retreat at the Ginger Garden's man-made waterfall

Tampines North Primary School students on an excursion at the botanic gardens

The tree-lined boulevard to the amphitheatre

Rainforest trek

The Heritage tree

A gazebo reminiscent of an F. Scott Fitzgerald era

I don't know what this is, but they're cute

The desert corner

The "Passing of Knowledge" sculpture

Bonsai plants (interestingly, there was a group of Japanese tourists hovering this bonsai exhibit)

A sun dial at the Sun Dial Garden (it looked and behaved more like a compass than a sun dial)

A water ball for fengshui

All in all, it was an interesting walk. I would love to just laze on the lawn with a picnic mat and basket packed with sandwiches and cool tea (chilled white wine would have been my first choice though) one day. It's a typical Caucasian thing to do I guess. I saw a couple of Caucasian families there picnicking with little toddlers in tow. They looked so adorable!

One day I guess...


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Monday, November 12, 2007 @ 1:48 pm

Dear Blogger,

A few months ago, I had decided to take up a new career path. Something that is totally different from what I've been doing and studying all these years. Now that the opportunity is here, I just don't know if I want to go through with it.

There will be so many changes in my life in the very near future. I wish I could say that they're all very exciting, but I've been feeling more unsure about them than thrilled about the possibilities! Is this the fear of change that many of those self-help books have been telling us about?

If it's really fear, I wish the strength to overcome it is as easy to gather as the calories I've been piling on with my chocolate cravings lately. Many of those books say that support and self-belief are essential. Unfortunately, I have neither. My confidence level is at its lowest at the moment. Once, I used to think that I could fly. Now, I feel like I can barely crawl. My support network is, as usual, almost negligible.

Firstly, I seriously don't know if my relationship with Ipy is going to survive. It's not even the end of the year and already, there's trouble in paradise. The thorn up our arses is not my possible infidelity, but it's his job. More specifically, he going away for work at short notice. Other women may be able to tolerate it. Not me. Will there even be a wedding? I wish I knew.

Secondly, even with God's help and we made it to solemnisation, will I be able to multi-task this new career path and my inevitable role as a mother? I can't be a wife, a mother and a career woman all at the same time. My head's too small to wear all those hats! Something has got to give. Ipy and I haven't got the chance to discuss family planning. Why? Refer to point number 1.

I have till the end of this month to decide. I wish all the answers are served on a silver platter and served to me whenever my burning questions rob me of my sanity. I can choose to be selfish and think of only me. At this moment, I'm unable to. There's Ipy, my family and my future family to consider. Won't it be nice if our actions are solely ours and whatever we do won't affect any other being on this planet?


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Saturday, November 10, 2007 @ 10:51 pm

Dear Blogger,

Ipy is such a goofball! He's like this big, old baby! I'm not sure if it was because he's the only son in a group of sisters. I'm very sure it wasn't because of me. I don't mollycoddle him. That's as far as I know anyway. But, he's my goofy, big, old baby. I'd better stop with this mush before I throw up in the train. Told you! I'm ovulating!

Add that with the anger in me, and I over-eat or over-spend. I've just bought a pair of shoes. For work! It was an emergency purchase. It wasn't easy getting the right pair! I went from Tampines Mall to Century Square and finally to Eastpoint in Simei. I went up and down floors and in and out shops. My perseverance paid off when I found a pair that I kind of liked, and they were within my budget. Good ol' Bata... What would I do without you...

I've cut so much of my spending, yet, my savings have been stagnant for almost a year! I thought maybe my bills have increased, but they've been controlled for a long time now. Could it be my loans? It couldn't be since my repayments have been constant. So how come my savings haven't grown???

Then it hit me! Living expenses are much more expensive now! Public transport fares have increased. Food prices have increased. The only thing that hasn't increased is my salary! How in the world am I going to get married next year??? How am I going to get married at all?!

I don't know how this concern is related to the "dead rat" I've dreamed about last night. In my dream, when I came over Ipy's place, there was a dead rat hanging by its tail at his gate. He seemed oblivious about it as if a dead rat being hung at his doorstep was the most common sight in the world! I remembered feeling gross and disturbed by it though.

Googled its interpretation, and most sites defined it as a sign of a destructive, sick or untrustworthy situation. But it's a situation that's so old that it won't do me any harm! It's just that whatever this situation is, it's there, it's unpleasant and I've to remove it from my life, then move on!

I wonder what that situation is...


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Friday, November 09, 2007 @ 7:15 pm

Dear Blogger,

My biological clock is ticking again. It's already mid-month isn't it? That just means I'm ovulating. Now is definitely not the time to engage in any sexual activity if family planning is on the agenda. Then again, now IS the time for sex because I'm at my friskiest!

Sex with Ipy can only be described as... frustrating at times. I know raw lust isn't supposed to have any meaning but it's not supposed to be routine either. For once I'd rather not be the initiator, if you know what I mean. I know I'm better at it. Still, I won't mind learning a trick or two.

It's not like I'm expecting a marathon. He couldn't pull it off anyway. Is a little quality to the activity too much to ask? I'm not getting any younger. When I'm menopausal, I don't think I'll be able to enjoy sex much, or at all! By the way, how come men have pills to help them with their libido and women don't? Pfizer, do something!


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Thursday, November 08, 2007 @ 7:54 am

Dear Blogger,

I found this article at Only A Big Diamond Ring Is Forever, and it sorted of clarified why I insisted on a Tiffany diamond engagement ring or nothing at all.

"As J, a straight-talking married girl friend of mine told me over dinner last week: 'Marriage is about commitment and all that boring stuff. Engagement is about The Ring.'

She said, sagely, that sporting a diamond engagement ring - a decent-sized one, of course - symbolised the one point in a woman's life where she could bask in the frivolity of love; in the knowledge that her man - bless his wallet - had blown a decent proportion of his hard-earned savings to win her over.

To add to the euphoria of the moment, a woman with The Ring often becomes an object of envy among her single friends, which then leads to feelings of smug superiority."

I don't know how many women out there share this sentiment. There should be plenty, otherwise DeBeers would be out of business! My sister just told me that a $6,000 over diamond ring is too cheap because that was what she learned in Science class.

My sister tucking into her Taco

Fats and calorie-heavy crispy chicken and chili pepper meltz from KFC

After almost 3/4 of the day heating the sofa with my buttocks in front of the TV (I was crocheting a table runner too!), I got up, got dressed and headed to Millenia Walk to satisfy my chocolate cravings. The chocolates at Candy Empire were only slightly better than the regular Cadbury's and Hersheys. What made it so much fun to buy chocolates at Candy Empire was the bright and colourful wrappers of the pick and mix chocolates!

Chocolates and gummies from Candy Empire

You can't help but be like a child again. Sometimes, as an adult, we need to think and behave like a child. Children don't think too much nor too deep. They just do! And when they do think, they wonder. They let their imaginations run wild and free. We set up too much red-tapes for ourselves as adults, and then we wonder why we're so stressed most of the time.

This song came to me when I was feeling the angriest and the most confused with Ipy. I am still upset with him, but whenever this song comes on, I couldn't help but remember the good times we had together. I still can't believe it took him all this time to come forward!

I miss him. But I won't tell him that.

Melee - Built To Last

I've looked for love in stranger places
but never found someone like you.
Someone whose smile
makes me feel I've been holding back
and now there's nothing I can't do.

Cause this is real, and this is good.
It warms the inside just like it should.
But most of all
most of all, it's built to last.
It's built to last.

All of our friends
saw from the start.
So why didn't we believe it too?
Now look, where we are.
You're in my heart now
and there's no escaping it for you.

Cause this is real, and this is good.
It warms the inside just like it should.
But most of all
most of all, it's built to last.

Walking on the hills at night
with those fireworks and candlelight.
You and I were made to get love right.

Cause this is real, and this is good.
It warms the inside just like it should.
But most of all
most of all, it's built to last.

Cause you are the sun in my universe.
Consider the best when we felt the worst
And most of all, most of all
most of all, most of all,
most of all, most of all,
it's built to last.


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Wednesday, November 07, 2007 @ 11:06 pm

Dear Blogger,

My students and I played Sahibba this afternoon. Actually, I played Sahibba this afternoon! My students weren't interested in anything Bahasa Melayu at all. It seemed so unfair that I was getting paid lots of money for these kids to acquire a decent grasp of the language if I don't care about their progress at all. So that's why I'm trying to come up with more creative and fun ways to teach them a foreign language such as Bahasa Melayu.

One of my favourite games in the world: Sahibba or Scrabble. I was my school's champion in the primary school category decades ago!

Unfortunately, my efforts in these past few years have been mostly disappointing. I've tried to engage them in charades, pictionary, crossword puzzles and even watching a movie! But their interest in the language is still close to naught. Do I have to resort to the boring assessments books all the time?

But it's heartening to know that the younger of the 2 siblings did very well for his Bahasa Melayu paper in the final year examination, and how he found out how ridiculous "Cicakman" is. At least he watched a Malay movie! I didn't even watch that horribly-titled movie!

His elder sister on the other hand, is really quite a challenge. Her problems, at her age, go beyond learning an unnatural "mother tongue" language. Her only goal in life to die at a young age. We all used to be this melodramatic when we were teenagers, weren't we?

This morning, I was thrilled to have been invited to be a regular volunteer at IMH. But I had to turn it down. The volunteer group only does its visits on Saturdays, and I work on weekends. It would have been quite an experience though if I could volunteer there. I've said before, sometimes, the world is much saner inside an asylum that on the outside.


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Tuesday, November 06, 2007 @ 7:47 pm

Dear Blogger,

I was out with a mission today. To find Sahibba. That Malaysian-produced Malay version of Scrabble. I was advised to try looking for it along Geylang Serai. I searched for it from Joo Chiat Complex to Tanjong Katong Complex and all the buildings in between. Can you believe that none of the retail establishments at this Malay society enclave has it?

Thanks to these superlight Adizero trainers, I was able to walk miles and miles today

I finally found one at where I had expected to find it. At the Popular bookstore in City Square JB. I first tried out the Plaza Kotaraya, but only one miserable bookstore has it. So I braved the heavily polluted streets of JB to get myself across to City Square.

Deepavali sales at JB

I haven't been here in quite awhile. I guess it was because I was always waiting hopelessly for Ipy to make himself available. I've forgotten how much time was wasted when I wait for someone to do something. Life's too short for all this waiting.

It must be unusual for many people to see a single woman traveling on her own. Mr Mohd Azhar from the Singapore Customs couldn't help but asked me if I was alone. I could be analytical and wonder if what he really meant to ask was if I was single and available, but I won't. I hoped I had made his day though.

His Malaysian counterpart, Mr Faizal, was puzzled too. He had to give me a double lookover to confirm that I was really the passport holder! Diet and exercise baby. Diet and exercise. I guess he needed the distraction.

What really interested me was seeing Malaysian school kids in Singapore school uniforms waiting for their school bus to send them home at the checkpoints. Not surprisingly, all of them were Chinese. Only Chinese parents have the foresight and determination to spare no expenses for their children's education.

But I pity these kids. They spend plenty of time traveling to and fro in between countries just to get an education. Too much time wasted on waiting when they could be playing. I hope they haven't lost too much of their childhood.

Well here I am at The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf enjoying my afternoon with an Ice Blended Mango Creme, a slice of double fudge chocolate cake and plenty of ciggies. All this with a bossa nova remixed of popular songs playing in the background. I've gotten what I came here for, so here's my treat.

Half-eaten double fudge chocolate cake, Ice Blended Mango Creme and ciggies

Me looking so tired what with the rage bottled up in me for the last few days

As usual, my brief enjoyment of life had to come to an end as soon as I got home. My mom just had to ruin a very much sought-after day by telling me that I had to share my engagement day with my younger brother. Of course I bloody refused to!

It's supposed to be my bloody special day! Why couldn't he had waited like I had waited! Does it bring him much sadistic pleasure if he takes away his older sister's special moments??? So now the attention is no longer on the first-time bride. I'm the fucking selfish older sister now! Thank you oh family of mine! What fabulous joy you have brought me!

Let's not forget the icing on the cake. How can we all forget Ipy who is working so hard Down Under? He deserved a bit of spotlight here too! I hoped the reply I had emailed him wasn't too "expressive". Those were the most gracious words I could think of, especially at the state I was in.

I need to walk.


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