modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Sunday, September 30, 2007 @ 11:29 pm

Dear Blogger,

I don't like funerals, but I had to attend one today for the stupid reason that I couldn't wiggle my way out of it. I don't even know the deceased, except that he's my manager's 91-year-old father-in-law. No disrespect to any dead person. I show my grievances in a different manner that's all.

I'm exhausted! My back is acting up again. I could feel the pain from my neck right down to my kidneys. Practically worked full shift today! All because we were "moving house". After that, I had to attend this dreaded funeral. Why I just didn't decline the invitation is something I'm still figuring out.

Because of that, I broke my fast at Al-Falah Mosque. Even though this is the second time I've broken my fast there, it was still not a comfortable feeling. Most likely because of my more moderate, modern Muslim dressing. I was from work remember? Either that, or I was just too beautiful. I'd like to think that it was the latter.

But I still prefer this mosque than any other mosque in Singapore. It's much more tolerant towards the modern Muslim women. Well, that's the perception I get anyway. It doesn't bother me at all. I come with good, sincere intentions and no mere mortal's judgement can break my soul.

Sincerely.
modgurl.

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Friday, September 28, 2007 @ 6:45 pm

Dear Blogger,

How many days of fasting has it been already? I've lost track, but the spiritual struggles of fasting pale in comparison to how much I'm missing Ipy right now. Yet, he's only been gone slightly over a week! As much as I despised how insensitive he was when he left, I'm such a sucker for him still.

Is he eating a balanced diet? Is he smoking less? Is he getting enough sleep? How's the weather there? Are the people there treating him with considerable respect? They had better not mistreat him. I'll make corporate hell if they do! God knows what I'm capable of.

I've been having dreams of running. Running in slow motion ala the Bionic Woman. I guess that meant that I was running super fast. So fast that my feet didn't even touch the ground. Almost as if I was flying. What did it mean? Note to self: Google for dream interpretations.

(Predictions: Dream Dictionary - Running)
Running is a traditional symbol of health and vitality in addition to being a means of fleeing potential danger. Thus running could be considered a dream of virility, as well as fear.

Usually, in a dream of running in which fear is the dominant emotion, you will find that you can either run all night and successfully escape the danger (albeit with a serious emotional drain), or you find that you continue to falter and stumble, making the object of your fear even more terrifying. In the latter case, try to relate the dream situation to a situation in your life where you are feeling incredible pressure. Sometimes a simple change of perception can solve the problem.

(Dream Moods: Your Dream Symbol Interpretation)
To dream that you are running away from someone, indicates an issue that you are trying to avoid. You are not taking or accepting responsibility for your actions. In particular, if you are running from an attacker or any danger, then it suggests that you are not facing and confronting your fears.

To dream that you are trying to run but cannot make your feet move as fast as you want them to, signifies lack of self-esteem and self-confidence. It may also reflect your actual state of REM paralysis while in the dream state.

To dream that you are running alone, signifies that you will advance to a higher position and surpass your friends in the race for wealth. Alternatively, you may be running from some situation or from temptation

To dream that you are running with others, signifies festive and prosperous times.

I must have thought about Ipy so much that my heart started closing in on me. I couldn't breathe normally. I knew what I was going through. I was about to go on a panic attack! I counted down to 10 for every breath I took, so as to calm myself. It wasn't helping much. So I did what I usually do. I confided in someone. An old flame.

He wasn't really a "flame". It was one of those brief infatuation. More like "it happened one night" kind of infatuation. I chose to confide in him at that moment rather than Din. God knows how much I don't want to grovel at Din. Besides, this "flame" works overseas a lot. I wanted to know how his wife dealt with it. Didn't help either.

Sounds like I'm already cheating on Ipy. But what could I possibly do? Anyone else would tell me the same old thing: "Have patience". I'm really sick of hearing that! Patience, faith... Patience, faith... Patience, faith... How my ears have gone deaf hearing those words. It's like sometimes these people don't even mean what they say! It can be convenient to use these words when you have nothing else constructive to say.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, September 27, 2007 @ 11:02 am

Dear Blogger,

In my attempt to revive the art of letter- and card- writing, I've designed and printed several Aidilfitri cards (with the help of Microsoft Publisher and Adobe Photoshop), to be sent out to friends who have bothered to reply me their mailing address.

It's always a thrill to receive personal letters or cards in the mailbox. It just shows how much effort was made by the sender to remember you! More so when the letter was handwritten or the card was self-made. Alas, nobody does that anymore. Except me.

Even during festive seasons, nobody sends out cards anymore. Except the corporate ones. What happened to us all? Have we become too busy to appreciate the simpler or finer beauty in life? Or have we become too reliant on technology? If it's the latter, I have yet to receive any e-cards from anybody.



Yesterday afternoon, I braved the heat and crowd at the Geylang Serai wet market just because I wanted to break fast with chicken rice. Not just any chicken rice! But the chicken rice at a particular stall in the market! This stall has been at this market for as long as I can remember, and the uncle who runs it sells only chicken rice and chicken porridge.

For only $2, you get a plate of steaming fragrant rice that melts in your mouth and a generous offering of white chicken slices that are so tender, it's beyond words! Because his chicken rice is so good, he can close his stall when afternoon comes. Which is unfortunate, because now I'm craving for it.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, September 25, 2007 @ 4:28 pm

Dear Blogger,

Mommy asked me out of the blue, "So where did Ipy go now?". I said, "India". She asked, "Again?" No comments. She asked again, "For how many weeks?". I said, "A month". She asked for the last time, "So he's celebrating Hari Raya there?". Finally I said, "Don't know. Don't care."

If my moody demeanour lately didn't give her any cause for concern, my curt final comment will. That's how desperate she is to get rid of me. She thinks Ipy's her only chance to see me married off and done with. Why can't just earth swallow me up right now?

I took these pictures out of boredom at the hospital. It was an agonising 2 hour wait at the specialist clinic. I did nothing but wait today! You know how much I hate to wait! Miserable... miserable... Feeling awfully miserable. Boredom or hormonal imbalance? God knows!





Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, September 24, 2007 @ 6:31 pm

Dear Blogger,

I came across this celebrity babies website early in the morning, "Celebrity Babies: Like Mom... or Dad?", and it hit on my maternal side instantaneously! Whether it was a picture of Kingston (Stefani-Rossdale), Shiloh (Jolie-Pitt) or Violet (Garner-Affleck), these babies rock!


Kingston Rossdale
(He's going to break a lot of women's hearts when he grows up)



Violet Affleck (Awwwww~)


Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
(I just want to pinch her cheeks!!! And look at those lips!)


They are so adorably cute (redundant I know)!!! Then again, they have their parents' gorgeous genes to thank for. Anyway, visitors can vote on whom the child resembles most, mom or dad.

I'm a domestic goddess once again. Grocery shopping and household chores ruled my day today. Grocery shopping has become my retail therapy of late. It's more fun and affordable! And all that basket-carrying tones the arms!

As usual, I bought lots and lots of vegetables in keeping with my now-healthy lifestyle. Brought my own shopping bags too! Reduce plastic bags! NTUC FairPrice deducts 10 cents from your bill when you bring your own shopping bag. May not seem significant but when you shop a lot, that 10 cent can grow to quite a fortune.

I made coleslaw for break fast tonight. Coleslaw is best eaten chilled. Didn't realise how therapeutic shredding (lettuce), dicing (carrots) and squeezing (lemons) can be! If I had fish, I'd make fish croquettes too! But I think thats enough kitchen playtime for me today.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, September 23, 2007 @ 1:31 am

Dear Blogger,

He kept saying that he "understands". What exactly did he understand? Did he understand that the point was not about him leaving, and that it was about him leaving SO SOON? Did he understand that if we were to have children, I'd be the one to put up with their disappointed faces when they ask me, "Where's Daddy?"? Did he understand that I've to be BOTH the mother AND the father for three-quarters of the year? So what did he understand really?

This is the thorn we have to nip before we plunge into a world where innocent lives could be at stake. Some may say that can be dealt later when it happens. Oh really? You think? My apologies if I get way too ahead of myself. It's a burden always having to think of the future.

I miss him but I'm not ready to talk to him yet. Not till he really understands the root of the issue. This is just so infuriating! Besides, its unfair that I've to do this wedding thing on my own. I only took up this project because I was bored!

Now I'm finding something else to keep me occupied. So I'm un-assigning myself from this project. I don't even care if we have a wedding! He can do whatever he wants. I'll just show up. It's not like I can afford a wedding anyway.

It was one upsetting event after the other. Life just couldn't get any better! I could kill that boy for postponing his tuition so last minute! Like almost at his door last minute! What the hell was I supposed to do? Bulldoze my way into the house??? I had to leave of course! Apparently, some religious folks had come unannounced to the house. So who am I to go against questionable religious people right?

I didn't want to go home just yet, but I didn't want to be in public places on my own. I even called my mom if she wanted to check out the bazaar at Geylang Serai. Even my mom didn't want to hang out with her daughter! It was so upsetting that I burst into tears. At the bloody train station!!! Gosh! I haven't cried in public in a long time have I? Continued crying while I was walking home from the train station. Just like old times.

You know, someone once promised me that I'll never cry again or feel sad even. Guess he did not keep true to that promise huh? And to think I've agreed to marry him. Am I going through that miserable road again?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, September 22, 2007 @ 5:45 am

Dear Blogger,

Oh God! The radio (Warna 94.2 FM) has started playing Hari Raya songs! It has only been, what? 10 days of fasting?! I first heard it during sahur (meal taken during midnight and dawn during Ramadan) this morning. It was this classic Hari Raya by some "Sisters" whom I can never remember the name nor the title of the song. Unexpectedly, mommy asked me if I remembered the song when I was a child. Of course I remember! The radio plays it every year!

Not that I have anything against Hari Raya Aidilfitri. Who am I kidding? Of I course I have a problem with it! It's just so excessive! Just like Christmas or any other major religious holidays, Aidilfitri has become so commercialised. Half the time, people have forgotten the purpose of Aidilfitri. Do we really need to get new curtains? Or new furniture? Or a new car? Or new debt?

Aidilfitri is a celebration of our spiritual victory for fasting for 30 days. Culturally, it's also a time to catch up with friends and family whom you don't meet often. Then again, we're living in tiny Singapore. From east to west, it takes less than 2 hours by train. Our communication system is so advanced and affordable too. So what's there to excuse anyone from not contacting each other in any other time of the year?

Really, whenever I hear anyone (especially any of my relatives) use Aidilfitri as an excuse for why we do not visit them, I have the urge to ask them, "Have you?". Another Aidilfitri tradition that gets on my nerve is the "seeking forgiveness" ritual. I've written about it every year whenever Hari Raya looms near. So I will not waste server space by talking about it again.

Warna also played another classic song from a classic movie, "Azura". Can't remember much about the movie though. I think it was about a rich boy falling for a poor girl and their trials and tribulations together. It starred the ever charismatic Fauziah Ahmad Daud or Ogy. I've always liked her as an entertainer. She was both an actress and a singer. Now she's a TV host.

I've also liked her retro songs. Come to think of it, I've always preferred the retro Malay songs than the newer ones. Maybe because I keep hearing them on Warna every day. Never mind that I don't know 80% of who's singing them or even the titles of the songs.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, September 21, 2007 @ 6:28 pm

Dear Blogger,

He emailed me last night, but I haven't replied yet. I have nothing to say! Should I reply every email I receive? I don't think so. Even if I should, what was I supposed to say? "I miss you come home soon"? I would rather swallow bile.

Even when he called me at the airports, I didn't say much. "Ok... Ok... Bye." Couldn't think of anything else to say. Shows how limited my vocabulary could be when I'm upset. Best not to open our mouths, let alone reply emails when we're upset. Wrong words have a tendency to shoot out from our mouths and thoughts, and linger in our long-term memories. Sometimes, it's best to just let our actions do the talking.

I am in need of a major distraction right now, but I'm not allowed to misbehave during this holy month. Even the wedding preparations have to be put on hold! Malay wedding vendors don't seem to work during Ramadan. I shall not get started on the Malay business culture here. Anyway, I would love to go a short trip, but I can't. Just because I have to be here.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, September 20, 2007 @ 11:21 pm

Dear Blogger,

My God! It has only been a week of fasting but it felt like it was going to end soon! Not that it has been bad. Just... slow. I'm running out of things to do. So that lengthens the day. Something which I don't want to do. The faster it ends, the better.

I'm at my lightest since 2004. Is that why I've been feeling lethargic lately? No I don't think so. It's those late nights with Ipy. Just 3 nights out with him and I'm drained. I don't dare imagine what a lifetime with him would do to my energy level.

I'm getting boring aren't I? I do believe so. My life's getting too monotonous. I seemed to have forgotten what my life was like before this. I sort of remembered that it was mostly booze, ciggies and heartaches. Who wants all that right? But I've to admit that the roller-coaster ride was much more exciting than this merry-go-round.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, September 19, 2007 @ 11:00 pm

Dear Blogger,

I woke up with a splitting headache, so I spent half the day in bed. I didn't feel better at all after that. Too much sleep I guess. It wasn't like I have anything to do. No appointments. No chores. No boyfriend.

I guess I was still upset by the fact that he was leaving right after coming back from another project. So what if it was work??? It annoys me even more that "work" was used as an excuse! Sincere or not, please don't give me that shit. I've had enough of it to last my entire lifetime!

Leave after a week or two! I don't care! But less than that? Don't even bother come looking for me. It's barely enough time to settle outstanding issues. What have we discussed since his brief return? Nothing concrete really. How are things going to move like this? I can't do the housing AND the wedding on my own you know!

So upset was I that I didn't bother to see him off at the airport. No hugs. No kisses. No "I miss you" crap. Just a curt "take care". That's not all. You know that I'm upset when you see me tucking into a pack of Twisties or stuffing myself with cookies. Sigh... The tragedy of it all...

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, September 18, 2007 @ 11:24 pm

Dear Blogger,

Finally got the ring I wanted, but I still can't have it yet because it has to be customised to my size. Even when that's done, I still can't wear it till next year! But it didn't excite me like I thought it would. It just didn't matter to me if I'll have the ring or not. It didn't matter at all if he's not going to be around often enough to share the joy with me.

He's been here for only about 4 days and he's been shipped off again. It pissed me off, but he just couldn't understand why. I do understand the nature of his job, but why does he have to go away again so soon??? 4 bloody days... and that's not even a week! He had already been gone for about 3 weeks, and 4 days are barely enough for me to get over those days we had been apart!

I told him time and time again that I don't want or even need all these material pampering if he's going to be away so often. Why is it that men seem to think that they can buy their way into love? It's nice in the beginning, but after awhile, it gets jaded and boring. My heart and soul can't be bought with money.

As much as I tried to make the best of the limited time we have together, I just couldn't help nitpick on little issues. Everything was not right. Everything pissed me off! I've even felt like dumping him on the streets and going home on my own.

After breaking fast, I seemed to have calmed a little, but the fact still remained that he was leaving again. It got me thinking again if I've to go through this motion over and over again in the near future. What happens when we have kids??? How are they going to handle it?! Will I find distractions in other "activities"? God forbid! But that's not to say that it's impossible! I know myself enough to know that I'm capable of it.


Me and Ipy at Samar till late at night


Ipy probably thinking how to soothe my aching heart

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, September 16, 2007 @ 11:33 pm

Dear Blogger,

Ipy and I had dinner with a friend from London at a North Indian restaurant in Riverwalk. I've not met him since he was last here in 2001. Back then, he was a swinging single. Now, he brought his wife. almost-2-year-old son and father-in-law with him. Boy has he aged! I don't remember seeing that many grey hairs on his head the last time. He blamed it on marriage. Jokingly of course!

After about 6 years, there were plenty of things to catch up. But I let the conversation be about their stay in Singapore, and their trip to Malaysia. And about London of course! It's much more interesting to hear about them than about my boring life here. How I long to visit London!

What was really nice though was how Ipy had put in effort to socialise with my friends. Even though he was dressed casually in an ironed shirt and jeans, it was still different from his usual t-shirt and bermudas. He had also joined in the conversation without any prompting. He even foot the bill! Oh gosh! He shouldn't have. They were my guests after all!

But what really made my heart melt was the look on his face when he tried to entertain my friend's young prince. There was no look of awkwardness or disgust. Just a tinge of longing I guess. Or I could have just misinterpreted his goofy look.

Anyway, it was never difficult to win me over. It's always about the little things that were done. So I don't know why guys think I'm so difficult to be with. Oh well... it's their loss.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, September 15, 2007 @ 11:33 pm

Dear Blogger,

He's back! He's back! He's back! I think anyone who's seen me on the streets knows that, what with the goofy grin on my face. Oh well... Doesn't matter. As long as he's back in my arms. Gosh! I'm such a mushy moron aren't I! When did that happen???

Anyway, he picked me up from work. Just to send me home in time for me to break fast with my family. And all that right after he just landed in Singapore! Wat can I say? The guy's in love! What was so cool though was that he sported this super sexy goatee, and he had to shave it off afterwards. What a *bleep*!

We dropped by Geylang Serai after my tuition. That was only because mommy had this sudden craving for dendeng (barbecued meat). You would think that since it had only been 3 days of fasting, most people would be at home resting or something. Of course not! There were too many cars and too many people! Has it really been just the 3rd day? You asked yourself that too when see the crowd!


Geylang Serai light-up


Me in the car while waiting for the traffic to move


Birthday cake for daddy and my brother

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, September 13, 2007 @ 11:19 pm

Dear Blogger,

The first day of Ramadan went very well for me. Maybe that's because I've been fasting almost every week already. The same can't be said to the people who are affected by the earthquake in Sumatra.

I became very concerned when the tsunami alarm went off twice. I immediately thought of Ipy out at sea. Even though he called me in the afternoon, I prayed for his return safe and soon!

I must have been shock-absorbed because I didn't feel the tremors! Again! But isn't it alarming that safe Singapore has been shook by tremors more frequently lately? Maybe we're not as safe as we thought! Perhaps it's about time we learn some earthquake drills.

Anyway, it was really wonderful to hear from Ipy again. I have to admit though that I couldn't recognise his voice. How embarrassing it would have been if I had called out someone else's name instead of his!

I cleared out my wardrobe of unused clothes. The last time I did that was 2 years ago. I managed to discard plenty of clothes. Some of which were still wearable enough to be donated to Indonesia or something. I think I'll call Mercy Relief about it.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, September 12, 2007 @ 6:56 am

Dear Blogger,

I normally don't do this, but this time, I just have to mention it. One of my heroes has passed away yesterday. Anita Roddick, the founder of The Body Shop, died of a major brain haemorrhage in West Sussex, Britain. She was 64, and was survived by her husband and two daughters.

Anita Roddick was quite an inspiration. She had not only founded one of the world's most recognised brand, but she had also made it fashionable to be environmentally-practical. She advocated community fair trade in her business, giving jobs to farmers in developing countries.

Ms Roddick also started out at a time when successful women in business were very rare. It was a time when feminists made their presence known and demanded gender equality. It was a time before celebrities invaded developing countries to boost their social awareness credit.

Her products may not be cheap, but I don't feel bad knowing that they weren't treated on animals or the proceeds from the raw materials used had built schools or homes in developing countries. They smell and feel good too! I love The Body Shop's 3-in-1 honey and oat scrub mask and most of the hand, foot and body lotion.



Here's to you Ms Roddick. You may be gone but your inspiration lives on.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, September 09, 2007 @ 11:30 pm

Dear Blogger,

I feel mentally drained, but life still goes on. It's great that my schedule is being filled up. Otherwise, I'd be moping about the house thinking about stuff! I don't like to think you know. It gets depressing when I think.

I attended Em's potluck party at her place. I didn't bring my share though because I came right after work. She had invited her internet entrepreneur friends too. None of which I have met or have liaised before. As soon as I stepped into the door, I knew I was never going to make any new friends. Clicks had already been formed.

The good thing about the party was the food. Too much in fact! Cakes, desserts, pasta, chicken rice... man! My diet went out the window in that 1 hour! So was my financial discipline! I bought about $80 worth of jewellery from Em.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, September 08, 2007 @ 11:37 pm

Dear Blogger,

My schedule's getting busier, and I haven't started my new school yet! I'm so busy with tuition now because PSLE is coming, and parents are getting frantic. I wonder if I'll be like these parents when my time comes.

I'm also proactively getting my hands dirty with this wedding preparation. That's above the house-hunting I'm helping Ipy with! Somehow, I think that task will be indirectly handed over to me what with Ipy being sent away for work often now.

I'm not getting any more comfortable with him being away now than before. I thought I would be used to it by now, or at least the impact would have been more cushioned by now. But I found myself hating it even more! Not that I hate him nor do I hate him being outstationed. I just hate it when he's not able to communicate with me for whatever reasons!

I don't know if I'll ever get used to it. I don't know how this will affect our marriage. It's definitely going to be constant pain in our arses. How do I deal with it? Meet people? It's different when you're single and when your status has changed to "Married". People are more apprehensive about being friends with a married woman. Too much unwanted temptations lurking.

Anyway, whatever little time I have for myself, I spent it doing household chores. Somebody has to do them! Depend on my brothers to do them? I have better luck being crowned a beauty queen! It's only those moments when I've nothing to do that's... unbearable.

Sincerely,
modgurl

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Wednesday, September 05, 2007 @ 8:40 pm

Dear Blogger,

Today was my lazy day. I spent half the day watching DVDs, in between doing household chores, just so that I wouldn't feel too guilty. I even went grocery shopping again just so that I could feel productive. After which, I spent the whole afternoon editing long-overdue home videos.


National Day Parade Fireworks 2007 (recorded with my Nokia 6288)

The videos below could have been longer if only my batteries didn't freeze. We only managed to record our stay at Fraser's Hill, and not in KL.


Fraser's Hill part 1 - On the way to Fraser's Hill


Fraser's Hill part 2 - Finally at Fraser's Hill!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, September 04, 2007 @ 10:26 pm

Dear Blogger,

What a productive day it has been! I met a wedding planner in the afternoon. Yes, a professional wedding planner! After seriously thinking about it, the services of a wedding professional will bring more benefits than losses. Of course I will keep a tight rein over everything. This is after all my project! I may have delegated the tasks to others, but I still have to manage it.

Isn't it wonderful when things are under control? My diet, my finances, my time... they are all under control. Not easy though. A lot of discipline required. Everything had to be recorded and journalised. Now I just have to maintain this discipline.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, September 01, 2007 @ 9:28 pm

Dear Blogger,

I've been busy researching about weddings, just so that I could kill my time productively while he's away. I've been reading books on wedding planning. I've even borrowed those Malay wedding magazines that soon-to-be brides love to browse!

Not that these magazines have much useful content to educate. They're more fashion spreads than informational! And these outfits are not cheap! Do women really become extravagant in weddings? I shall NOT be suckered into such behaviour!

How come there are no books on how to manage expectations of the mother of the bride??? I disagree that every mother wants her daughter married off in a grand wedding. What are we? Some meat to be displayed at an auction block??? That is just so revolting!

The last thing I want is to start off this marriage with debts. The second last thing I want is for Ipy to work out of this country so often just so that he could pay for this wedding. I want it small and simple! Why can't anybody that matters understand that? Why can't these same people support me on that?

God forbid that I'm asking them for any money! It's no joke that money is the root of all evil. And it's really no joke that money is thicker than blood. No disrespect to mother dearest, but I'll cry at my party if I want to!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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