posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Thursday, August 30, 2007 @ 7:32 pm

Dear Blogger,

It has only been 4 days since I waved him goodbye at the airport, and I'm already missing him terribly. He had only called me once there but that was it! He hasn't even emailed me, so it probably meant that he didn't have email access there. But I know he's missing me too.


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Monday, August 27, 2007 @ 10:38 pm

Dear Blogger,

After talking to Ipy, I still couldn't understand why he still wanted to go through with it. Marry me I mean! I've been so difficult yet he still wants to marry me??? He said he loved me and I know he meant it because I could see it in his eyes. Yet, why do I still doubt it? What is wrong with me???

I'm pushing him away aren't I? I'm consciously pushing him away! Now why do I do that? What sane and blessed person would do such a thing? I'm really digging for the answers deep in the core of my soul but no such luck. I'm more confused than ever. I feel like running away...

My weight gain is not helping matters. I've gained almost 3 kg in the last 2 weeks alone! I'm definitely not pregnant because the test proved it and I'm having menses now. So that only leaves one other reason: STRESS! I've been missing out on my early morning walks too, so that contributed to the weight gain.


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Sunday, August 26, 2007 @ 10:01 pm

Dear Blogger,

Sometimes I wonder why I tolerate certain bullshit. Consciously, I'm fully aware that I'm wasting my time with idle conversation sessions but why oh why must these people indulge in conspiracy theory? I enjoy listening to it for... 5 minutes, but with these people, it could go on and on for hours!

Ipy made a personal attack on one of my traits, which I considered a strength. That is, my openness to discuss taboo issues to anybody. I don't know if he had realised what he had done. He's conservative by nature, and he was born in a generation where certain social norms still apply. I'm not like that.

You can call it opposites attract, but it got me thinking, how long can this attraction last? It could just be some novelty or an infatuation. Guys tend to confuse love and infatuation often. I'm not sure if he's aware of the difference.

Right now, I'm pretty much upset with him. For various reasons. But deep down, I know I'm just upset with myself. Can't pinpoint with what exactly. One minute, I was upset for not being a little conventional and compromising. The next minute, I was upset for compromising on my differences!

Thoughts of postponing this, or even canceling it, has been playing in my mind lately. I don't think Ipy understood this even after I've told him. How can anybody understand what I'm thinking right? I'm still struggling to understand myself!


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Saturday, August 25, 2007 @ 10:47 pm

Dear Blogger,

After sleeping over yesterday's fiasco, I woke up feeling so much loved. Ipy and I had talked about it and he was supportive of how I want these "proceedings" to go. He'd even talk to my mom about it! Be prepared for a battle between the old and new generations.

Yes I want to be a queen for the day but why just for THAT day? And if I'm queen, why can't I do it my way? It's selfish but I'll be happier. Ipy didn't want the norm either. He's delighted at my simplicity! Yet, he's worried about the complications of doing it my way.

Perhaps it's time to get distracted. Hopefully school starts soon. As much I hated school, it's a welcome distraction at the moment. But all that loving feeling was in the morning. Come night, my mood flared up again.

All I wanted was to be with friends while he's out doing his stuff. I've actually designated Saturdays to be his boys' day out, which is healthy for our relationship. Of course me being the way I am, I don't have a girls' day out. Simply because most of my friends are guys.

Anyway, since my friends are his friends, I'm now no longer an individual person. I'm now HIS girl! So basically I can't ask them out without them asking what Ipy wants to do. Bullshit! Situations may have changed but I've not changed!

I would STILL like to chill with my friends you know! I CAN live without Ipy by my side too you know! I guess I've no more friends.


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Friday, August 24, 2007 @ 11:49 pm

Dear Blogger,

I must be the only Singaporean Malay girl who doesn't want a wedding. I can't bloody do weddings! Just looking at this wedding stuff makes me sick to the core! I tried and tried to keep an open mind. I guess I tried so hard that I've forgotten to breathe.

When I finally remembered to breathe, I hyperventilated. Worse, I cried at the shoddy staircase and ruined my mascara! I must be the only idiot who cries just looking at some wedding show. Ipy was not even with me. He was out playing badminton somewhere. Couldn't possibly interrupt him could I?

I can't do this. In all my life, I have never imagined myself in a wedding. Never! I have imagined myself married but never in a wedding! I can't remember why I dislike weddings so much till they bother me like this. I've this urge to just cancel this whole thing.


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Thursday, August 23, 2007 @ 11:45 pm

Dear Blogger,

I'll gladly talk to an auditorium full of people than talk to my mom. It's less nerve-wrecking and strangely, I get stage fright when talking to my mom. But I have to do it sooner or later. I can't leave it to Ipy to get involved in a family affair can I? He's not family, yet.

Nevertheless, after an intense 10 minutes, it was done and over. She gave her blessings. But she expects certain things, like a sanding, something that I really don't want. Nevermind... I'll get Ipy to talk to her. He's good at talking to the elders.


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Wednesday, August 22, 2007 @ 11:38 pm

Dear Blogger,

I think Ipy and I are not beach people. That's because whenever we wanted to go to the beach in broad daylight, it rains. If even after it stops raining, there will always be some disturbances. Like some unauthorised company telematches.

I won't mind if these people took a portion of the beach for whatever mind-wasting activities they had planned for. But if they took the whole stretch of the beach and left nothing for us entrance fees-paying beach-goers, they had better had the courtesy to inform us of the beach's closure.

Firstly, their group activities were unauthorised. How did I know it was unauthorised? There were no Sentosa staff present to supervise and there were no banners nor signages that usually come with these sort of activities.

Secondly, they never set any boundaries. A responsible facilitator would set clear boundaries to warn the public to pick a spot far, far away from them. Thirdly, they stepped into OUR boundaries by running a few centimetres past us. Thus, kicking sand to my face!

Lastly, they were disturbing the peace. Our sea breeze-assisted slumber was rudely awakened by their stampede-like chants that we got up suddenly thinking a bomb had exploded or a tsunami was about to swallow us!

It really pissed me off that I complained to Sentosa. 15 minutes later, the Beach Patrol and a Sentosa officer came by and stopped the activities. I'm probably being cursed still by the group even as I'm writing this. I'm a bitch! So what???


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Monday, August 20, 2007 @ 11:47 pm

Dear Blogger,

Realisation has just hit me. I'm getting married! Oh gosh... This is heavy stuff! But after a serious analysis, it wasn't marriage that's freaking me out. It's the bloody wedding! It somehow never ends up as your wedding. It usually becomes everyone's wedding!

Tact has never been my forte. So how do I get out of this with minimum number of people getting hurt? I don't want the bells and whistles that come with most weddings. Yet, I'm expected to have them! I foresee days of anguish and stress ahead. Not good!

Ipy and I have had long discussions about this. He being the conservative person that he is, wants a win-win situation for all. Now us people living in the real world know that we can never please everyone. Issues like hantaran (dowry), for example, is so thorny that it has taken up half of our discussion time!

Personally, I don't see why and how anyone could put a value for my hand. There shouldn't be a value in the first place! The fact that it didn't have any religious background made it even more ridiculous. Unfortunately, like most Asian families, it's about "face". No hantaran would result in ridicule for my parents by mean relatives who have no influence in my growing up years at all.

So, for long-lasting happiness with parents and parents-in-laws (heaven knows we may need them to babysit our kids every now and then in the future!), I've to think of an amount that won't be the focal point of this marriage and won't be an insult to my intelligent self.

There won't be a pelamin (dais) either. Don't expect me to sit there and pose for photographs with people who would most probably bitch about this wedding afterwards. I'm not a mannequin. I have never been conventional and I'm not going to start now.


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Sunday, August 19, 2007 @ 11:59 pm

Dear Blogger,

Ever since I've returned from Fraser's Hill, my diet has gone south. I'm eating more than I should and my exercise routine is almost non-existent. Somehow, I've got to get myself back on the diet and exercise track!

What's good though is that I've cut down on smoking. This is simply to get my reproduction system fit for the wonderful world of mommyhood. I'm serious this time! Ipy wants to be a daddy too but he sure has a lot of things to do to catch up with me. Like losing weight!

I could see that Ipy's making an effort to reduce smoking though and I'm proud of him! As a fellow smoker, it would be unreasonable of me to demand that he quit smoking entirely. Of course, it would be entirely ridiculous of me to force him to do anything. I'm not that mean!

We went to the India Expo at the Singapore Expo. Ipy wanted to check out the Indian herbal remedies. Since it was already the last day, some of the booths were already deserted. But that didn't stop the hundreds of visitors getting through the front door.

Ipy and me flanked by Indian visitors and booths at the India Expo

The first thing that struck me was how much the Indians love gold. I'm not a big fan of yellow gold. I'm a white gold, platinum and diamonds girl. The second thing was, the Indians sure love their food. The necessary Komala Vilas and Apollo Banana Leaf restaurateurs were present to feed the hungry visitors.

Ipy didn't really want to have any because he was sick of Indian food what with his India-based work and all. I, on the other hand, love thosei and fish-head curry. Not healthy stuff but I wouldn't give up these spicy, comfort food for the world!

Ipy and me at the Singapore Expo

We had dinner at Bali Thai restaurant at Tampines Mall. As much as I love Tampines, its centrally-located Tampines Mall is sometimes a pain in my big, white butt! From Monday to Sunday, it's always crowded! And Tampinesians sure love to eat!

I was too hungry to be picky about what I want, so Ipy decided on Bali Thai. Unfortunately, there was no more Assam Pedas Kepala Ikan, so we settled for the seafood Tom Yam. I needed vegetables in my meals, so I ordered the Green Mango Salad. Ipy ordered the Stir-Fried Kang Kong. The fragrant white rice was free-flow, but I could only managed two scoops, which was already more than what I was used to.

The meal must have been really good because by the time we made to our seats to catch "Bourne Ultimatum", my eyes were already heavy. I didn't catch "Bourne Identity" and "Bourne Supreme", so this last installment of the Bourne movies didn't really interest me as much.

What kept me awake were the fight scenes. They were quick, deadly and awfully headache-inducing. I think that was the aim of the cinematographer. I tried to catch up with the plot as much as possible, but if you didn't watch its first two movies, it's really hard to understand who's who and what's what.

We had coffee and cake at McCafe for no other reason except that I didn't have any coffee today. I told you I'm eating more than usual! By the time I hit my bed, I was already sound asleep. You see, sleeping comes easy for me when I'm fully satiated and exhausted.


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Thursday, August 16, 2007 @ 11:18 pm

Dear Blogger,

I think the best way to be sure if you can live with your significant other is to go on a trip together. I'm glad to say that despite Ipy's quirks, I enjoyed myself so much with him that we extended our vacation by a day!

You see, the fun was more in the journey than in the destination. When you're stuck in a tin can mobile for 7 hours, you can choose to annoy the hell out of each other or learn to respect each other's imperfections. What can I say about our trip? Everything about it had its moments.

From driving off at 5 in the morning to detouring at Jalan Kayu for breakfast. From missing our exit to the Malaysian highway to cruising down the highway through early morning fog. From reading maps to getting lost in the congested roads of KL. From the awful winding roads up and down Fraser's Hill to the refreshingly cool and quaint walks to its laid back town.

Ipy at the foot of Fraser's Hill. I was nauseated from all that drive up the winding road. Besides, he needed the smoke break after driving for 4 hours straight.

Ipy at our room's balcony. See the heavy mist in the background.

Me getting ready for bed with my traveling companion.

The massage oil for sores, aches and bloatedness. Coupled with a good masseuse and you're in heaven!

Ipy in serious mode

Ipy at the clock tower in the town centre

SilverPark Resort at the top of Fraser's Hill has very apartment-like accommodations. Good for those traveling as couples. Bigger groups might consider renting a cottage or chalets instead.

I love nature views, especially of mountains and lakes. Here, we were leaving Fraser's Hill and making our way to KL.

If Fraser's Hill was a sleepy town, then KL is overwhelmingly buzzing. We were so overwhelmed by the choices of activities KL had offered that we spent most of our time in our luxurious room! That is another thing which I shouldn't allow myself to get used to. Ipy treats me nothing less than like a princess, which can be both good and bad.

Views of our room at Crown Plaza Mutiara Hotel in KL along Jalan Sultan Ismail...

This was what blew me away when I stepped into the room. The view of the bedroom from the bathtub and vice versa. How sexy was that!

The shower and toilet next to the bathtub

Ah! The super comfy and spacious bed!

The little office

View of doorway from the office

View of Jalan Sultan Ismail from the room

I didn't even have a chance to spend any of my money! When I was hungry, he'd try to get whatever my taste buds wanted. When I was suffering from stomach cramps, he'd boil low-fat milk MacGuyver-style (there was no microwave oven nor stove). When my back ached with all that driving and stress, he massaged it with professional seriousness. Gosh! He's spoiling me rotten! I really shouldn't get used to this.

Ipy getting comfortable on the bed

We didn't just have fun. We had plenty of time to discuss our future together. What was a revelation to me was that I didn't hyperventilate nor suffered any anxiety attack. I guess, I had come to accept the inevitable.

Ipy and me at the hotel's courtyard

Me having shrimp martini as TGIF's. Check out Em's beads collection I was wearing!

Ipy and me at Aloha Bar. It had a "Deal or No Deal"-like game show during one of the live band's intervals, which patrons got bored halfway.

Ipy lounging at the pool after a heavy and sumptuous buffet breakfast

Me in my Paris Hilton pose at the hotel lobby after a brief pool session

Checking out of KL. Doesn't Ipy look so much better with short hair???

My quirky fashion sense and baby bear in my haversack

One of the most time-wasting and stressful but awfully cute things to do: posing for photo stickers! Every couple should indulge in one!


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Sunday, August 12, 2007 @ 9:48 pm

Dear Blogger,

When I was in my teens, I watched a classic by Audrey Hepburn called "Breakfast at Tiffany's". It was about a naive, but charming young woman named Holly Golightly's affection for the jewellery's store Tiffany, where she believed nothing bad could ever take place.

Ever since I've watched that movie, I believed that if any man would buy me a ring, it would have to be a Tiffany ring. Just like Holly Golightly believed that nothing bad could ever take place in a Tiffany's store, I believe that a man is worth my hand in marriage if he works at getting me a Tiffany ring.

Today, for the first time ever, I stepped into the Tiffany & Co at Ngee Ann City. I've always been fascinated by the store whenever I passed by it, but I've never walked through those heavy double glass doors. Well today, I did and I felt breathless.

Tiffany & Co didn't have a large collection of engagement rings but what a collection it was! There were the Tiffany Classic Setting, the Lucida, the Etoile, the Legacy, the Tiffany Novo and others. The Tiffany Classic Setting rings were beautiful and they were THE engagement rings. But there was one that truly called out my name.

It was the princess-cut or Lucida diamond-cut engagement ring.

"A patented Tiffany original, the Lucida diamond-cut with its brilliant style pavilion and high-step crown is a modern masterpiece." - Tiffany & Co

Why did I suddenly walk into the Tiffany & Co store after all these years? Because Ipy had proposed. And I'm saying yes. For real.

Now I just have to tell mommy dearest about it, and I'm still thinking how.

Ipy near Padang on National Day

Me within the chaos at Padang

After the fireworks


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Wednesday, August 08, 2007 @ 12:00 pm

Dear Blogger,

Have you ever felt so excited, so nervous, so unsure that something so real can feel so unreal? It's a horrible feeling! Your stomach churns acid on overdrive. Your breathing gets fast and furious. You want to run, yet you also want to stay. This is confusion on a higher level!

That was how I felt at the airport waiting for Ipy to show up in his youthful street swagger. I couldn't believe that in a few minutes, he's going to be in my arms again. I couldn't understand why that was so unbelievable. Perhaps, all of this, THIS, is still so surreal.

Why is it still surreal? Perhaps I've been so cynical about honest-to-goodness relationships since my Din fiasco that my cynical self won't allow me to accept the fact that I deserved to be loved. I've been pining for a soulmate or at least a life partner for so many years now that when one had offered to slip into those roles, I freaked out!

Or I could just be bullshitting myself. I'm just scared. That's the simple truth! How hypocritical of me then when one of my public philosophies of life is "The only thing to fear is fear itself". What exactly am I afraid of? Afraid of getting hurt again? Afraid of being lonely? Afraid of making mistakes? Afraid of failing?

These are all valid reasons to stay put where I am. But I don't want to stay where I am. I want to move on! I want to move forward! I want to build another comfort zone and when that's done, I'll move on to build another comfort zone! So why the hell am I contradicting myself?

This is something that I have to figure out and overcome, because if I don't, I will most probably lose something that is probably the best thing that had happened to me. I've got to learn to "surrender".

View of the city from Kent Ridge Park at midnight

Me and my lovable confusion


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Monday, August 06, 2007 @ 8:55 pm

Dear Blogger,

I am still making sense of what happened in the last few days between Ipy and I. Ipy had asked me a question which I am still trying to digest. It was a simple question with very easy understandable words. Yet, the outcome of the answer will change both of our lives!

And I thought saying "I love you" in person was difficult! But now, the word "yes" has become the hardest word in my vocabulary list. By the way, I haven't said those three damned words yet. I feel it, but I don't know why I can't say it. It seemed so easy in my mind, but actually hearing myself saying it seemed so tacky.

I am still feeling the weight of his question. Terrifying question actually. I think that's because it's unfamiliar territory for me. Anything that's unfamiliar can be scary. You see it being done in the movies all the time, but none had the respondent suffering anxiety attacks!

Oh well! He's coming home tomorrow. I don't know if I'll ever look at him the same way again.


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Saturday, August 04, 2007 @ 11:51 pm

Dear Blogger,

I've been told that it's natural to lose friends once you get attached. I just don't understand why. I'm trying to accept it, but my soul won't allow me to. Why do we lose friends once we get attached? Do we lose them on purpose? Or friends just "disintegrate" on their own?

Ipy has consoled me not to be too hard on myself. It wasn't my fault that my "friends" are disappearing. It's futile to change some people's archaic mindset. I'm fully aware of that. I just find it hard to let go of relationships that have gone through good and bad times. It's so sad, isn't it?

Friendships are important to me. That's why I have a small circle of friends. Even then, these friends are temporary. Seasonal even. Perhaps, growing up with the "Friends" sitcom, I've sort of expected friendships to be similar to that. Maybe only in America.


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Thursday, August 02, 2007 @ 11:04 pm

Dear Blogger,

What a long day it had been! Woke up early for a morning meeting with a career counselor in school. I was still late by a few minutes though. Even then, I was kept waiting by a good half an hour because the career counselor's phone couldn't stop ringing.

I sat for a Myers-Briggs Type Indicator "inventory". She didn't like to call it a "test" because a "test" means there is a right and a wrong. There are no right or wrong personalities. I was proven to be an ISFJ type i.e. Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging type. I've already known that I'm introverted. I don't understand why people like to assume that I'm extroverted. You can pick up skills to be extroverted.

Anyway, I've always known what type of person I am. More or less anyway. I mean I know that I care a lot. I know that I take in information using all my senses. I know that I enjoy doing things that help people or have a sense of purpose in them.

I didn't think doing the "inventory" was a waste of time though. It's really interesting to do all these personality tests. We do it all the time! Just open up any magazine and there is always some form of personality quiz for you to try.

This test has proven once and all that my current course and I are completely mismatched! No wonder I've been struggling all these years! All those hardware and technical stuff, and I'm not just referring to the computing modules, are really something I have no interest in. Looking back, I've excelled in modules that involved the real world, people and services like corporate governance and ethics.

Perhaps, it's time that I change career path. I used to think that I'd revel in the high-flyer corporate lifestyle. I guess I was wrong. I've been deceiving myself all these years to believe that I will excel with money as my sole motivation. Of course now I know that's crap!

I'm going to be nurse. Shock? A little. I've always wanted to be in healthcare anyway. When I was 6 years old, I wanted to be a doctor. When I was 12 years old, I narrowed that ambition into a brain surgeon. It's both endearing and hilarious thinking about it, isn't it?

Guess what's the top match for my personality type? Nursing! Who knew??? No one in my life had ever directed me in that path. So, nursing had never been a consideration when discussing career path. Until now. It's strange how even at this late age, you can receive that "calling". Not to be critical of God or anythin, but if He had "called" me earlier, I'd save myself and everyone else a lot of trouble, wouldn't I?

New mantra - "If you look good, you'll feel good. And if you feel good, you'll look good!"

My energy boosters: Starbucks Java Chip Frappuccino (no whipped cream and easy on the syrup) and cigarettes

The only downside of the day was that I missed Ipy's call. He called me while I was in the meeting. By the time I had checked my phone, I couldn't call him back. Still, somehow, he had managed to drop me an email. After days of silence, he's communicating again. Should I be upset over it? I think I should, but he had apologised. So what could I do??? He had better not make it a habit though.

Just a few more days till he returns... God this feels like forever! Oh shit! Have I lost any weight at all while he's away? I was supposed to wasn't I?


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Wednesday, August 01, 2007 @ 10:43 pm

Dear Blogger,

What started as just a lunch date turned out to be a full ladies' day shopping and bitching over coffee. Welcome to my faux tai tai life. I may not have the spending power of a tai tai but I sure have plenty of time to lunch and sit by a cafe watching people chase time like their lives depend on it.

I like this lifestyle sometimes. Too many people in the rat race and I won't be surprised if most of them don't know why they're in the rat race in the first place. Wealth? Perhaps. Satisfaction? To what? Material wealth? Perhaps. I like this easy pace that I'm living. Not to say that I don't have a million things to worry about, but at least, I'm allowing myself to breathe in what magical moments life has to offer.

Me and Su at Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, Wheelock Place

I wasn't naked! I was wearing a black tube top (a cheap one I bought at City Square, JB)

An unconventional beauty... eyebags and all

Earrings and necklace courtesy of Beading and Beyond's Roses collection. I swear I'm not getting any commissions for this! I just prefer uniquely designed products like these as compared to expensive, mass-produced ones. Hey! If this helps local designers, why not???

Didn't meet anyone new today. Do I have the word "attached" written on my forehead with an invisible ink? Not that I want to flirt with anyone, but it would be nice to meet someone new. After all, you can never have too many friends right?

I am starting to believe the benefits of networking and the "pass it forward" movement. It's when someone you know needs something and you know of someone who can help, you help make that connection and a possible new relationship is formed.

Ipy hasn't called or emailed since Monday. I guess he's busy. I'm trying not to think too much about it. A woman's imagination can sometimes run wild. I think I'll be glad when Thursday comes because that's usually the start of busy days for me. Time flies faster when you're busy. Until Monday comes of course. I am still a little worried though...


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