modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007 @ 10:13 pm

Dear Blogger,

My Ethics class on Wednesday mornings is both challenging and headache-inducing. I always, always get headaches after this class, and I have another heavy class 3 hours later! I enjoy the discussion on ethics but most of the time, it usually ends up like a mountain out of a molehill. Sometimes, I think ethics is over-rated. I can't even drop this class because it's a compulsory class!

On a lighter note (literally!), I've dropped more pounds! Hooray! My head feels much heavier than before though. Probably all that hair on my head. So so tempted to do a Britney. I think she looks cool with all that hair off. Besides, the weather's getting hotter here.

Didn't know what to do for 3 hours while waiting for the next class. So, I rushed to Cathay Cineleisure to catch "Seducing Mr Perfect", a Korean-English romantic comedy about the rules of love. Simple, predictable movie. But the two lead actors, Uhm Jung Hwa and Daniel Philip Henney, made the movie smart. If Henney sounds familiar, that was because he was in the Korean serial hit "My Lovely Samsoon" last year.


Seducing Mr Perfect movie poster

What can I say about Henney? I was literally drooling and hyperventilating the whole time he was on the big screen. I mean this guy is so HOT!!! So what if he can't really speak Korean? His American-accented English more than made up for that difficult limitation. He's smart too! He went to colleges and university solely based on scholarships!


Henney's magazine shot


My favourite Henney's magazine shot


Seducing Mr Perfect movie poster

The movie is a feel good type. Leave your boyfriends/husbands/lovers at home and watch this either alone or with your girlfriends. This is definitely not a male movie, although, I think men can learn a thing or two about this game called love. Uhm Jung Hwa was quite adorable too, with her big round eyes and spunk. I love her hair! But I can't cut my hair quite like hers.

After feeling all lovey dovey and eternal sunshine after the movie, I couldn't help but buy a new pair of shoes. It's a peep-toed glam metallic dark brown stilleto that only cost me $29.90 from Hula & Co. These shoes were calling out my name as soon as I passed by the shop! So how could I resist???

And the shoes made me looked super hot with my outfit today! I wore 3/4 half-denim pants with a brown cotton lycra top. Accessorised with a lemon yellow pashmina (for colour) tied short and low around my neck. My hair half-tied and let loose. The pants made my posterior looked uber-perky. This losing weight thing is really turning me into a narcissist!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, February 27, 2007 @ 9:31 pm

Dear Blogger,

I collected my long-overdue Valentine's Day card from the Peer Wellness Centre in school. I didn't know somebody had written me a V-day card, that's why I never bothered to read the reminder emails from the Peer Wellness guys.

I was thrilled to have received a V-day card. I was even more thrilled to know that somebody had taken the effort to write me a card! But guess what? That person did not leave his/her name behind! I really don't like anonymous messages. How am I supposed to reciprocate the message if I don't know who wrote it??? That person is being quite cruel because I'll have sleepless nights because of it!

Based on the handwriting though, it looked like the writings of a girl. Looked familiar though, but can't quite place it. Oh well... I guess it's the thought that counts. Whoever you are, thank you for the thought. It felt cozy to know that somebody out there is thinking of me.

I went grocery shopping again, because my head felt heavy the whole day. I swallowed some paracetamols, but it was only after shopping that my head felt better. Of course, nothing beats buying a new pair of shoes. But I'll just make do with grocery shopping. At least, the whole family can share. Still... how I'd love to buy a new pair of shoes...

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, February 26, 2007 @ 7:04 pm

Dear Blogger,

I cried and cried and wailed at the injustices of it all last night. I don't want to talk about it and I won't ever again! Enough lies! Enough deceit! Enough cleaning their messes! I don't want to remember them nor be reminded of them!

I prayed to God for guidance and He has guided to see for myself their true nature. How could I be so smart and so stupid at the same time? I asked Him that and I'm still waiting for an answer.

Since I didn't receive any answers, I retreated to my cave. I didn't go to school, I didn't eat and I switched off all communication devices. I just laid in bed and stared at the ceiling. I looked lifeless, but internally, I'm having arguments with myself. It's schizophrenic.

Finally, I got out of bed, snuggled onto my parents' bed and watched the 'live' telecast of the Oscars. I allowed myself to get lost in all the glitz and glamour of Hollywood. Actresses in gorgeous gowns. Actors in smart tuxedos. All the bling blings and all the megawatt smiles.

By the way, could Al Gore be the only American politician who had ever won an Oscar for his documentary, "An Inconvenient Truth"? I don't think Ronald Reagan nor Arnold Schwarzenegger had won Oscars, and these guys were actors before they became politicians!

Now, I'm ready to go back out to reality. Will have to make several apologies to people who will never understand.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, February 25, 2007 @ 10:23 pm

Dear Blogger,

Spent more effort to look more beautiful today. Didn't realise how beautiful I looked until I saw myself on webcam. I mean, I didn't go all out with the works. Still the same basic routine. Maybe it's all that loving I feel about life that brought out the beauty in me.

Why the sudden vanity? We're all vain to some degrees. How many times have you looked at yourself every time you passed by a mirror or any reflective surface? People can't help but look at their beautiful selves. Besides, I believe there are no ugly people around. Only lazy ones.

Anyway, after another boring day at work, I spent another boring hours in school. Yes. In school. On a Sunday. Just dropped by to test the webcam via school network. Part of the final year project we're doing. Connection sucks. At least I looked good. Too good till I think I've gotten myself an online stalker.

moddie @ smu sis research lab
Me, testing the webcam connection

moddie @ smu sis research lab
Me, admiring myself on webcam

On my way home, after grocery shopping (again!), I felt angry all of a sudden. I didn't want to think of Sentosa or Idris or even his fiancee. I didn't want to be remotely reminded of them. I don't know how this anger came about but it was overwhelming me. So I quickly swallowed some Faverin and Atarax. I've a feeling I'm going to skip classes tomorrow.

I've been asked so many times on why a smart babe like me could be single. If I charge 10 cents for every such questions I've been asked, I could afford a landed property by now. I'm as curious as these people are. Sometimes, I think my only answer is that I'm too smart and too beautiful for the common folks here. Ok. I'm mentally unstable too. But who's ever sane when love takes over???

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, February 24, 2007 @ 8:34 pm

Dear Blogger,

Can you feel the new day dawning? All blistering hot and dry, but it's a beautiful day. I still haven't managed to cry though. I wish I could. I'll just make do with induced vomiting then. People often mistook my eating disorder for weight issues. It's not! I throw up because I'm forcing all the negativities out of me!

I love children's laughter. They are such a joy to hear aren't they? When they laugh, you know they're laughing will all innocence. Not like when a grown-up laugh. Sometimes, you have to analyse the meaning of their laughter.

Why the sudden thought on children's laughter? I believe that some people just can't be parents. They let their children cry and cry in public. Some even hit their kids in public! I'm all for disciplining children but there are ways and time for it.

Check out this book I bought on Christmas eve! It's called "Single - The Art of Being Satisfied, Fulfilled and Independent" by Judy Ford. I've been wanting to read this book 2 years ago, but I couldn't find it in the library. Also, it's quite expensive. It cost me $24.50 at Borders! Why are books so expensive here???

Anyway, the book is filled with practical anecdotes and solutions. But what's good and comforting about it is how humourous Ms Ford has written it! She somehow reminds me of... me! Hehe! Believe it or not, after reading the book (which I just did, this morning in the toilet!), I feel like I'm in love again. With life! Don't you just love books that make you feel good?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, February 23, 2007 @ 10:19 pm

Dear Blogger,

I thought I'd pass the letter to Neng, and she could pass it to him. But I've found out that she was getting the brunt of his anger every time she mentioned me to him. I thought that was very stupid of him. So I decided to pass the letter to him personally. I gave him options though. He could come and collect it from me directly, or collect it from his boss. I knew he would choose the first option.

I also wanted to get him to come his senses. Not for me, but for Neng. He's behaving like a spoilt brat, and he doesn't realise that his selfish behaviour is causing grievances to everyone who loves him. That includes me, although, I was and still able to stand up to him.

It's lonely being the only adult in this mad relationship. But somebody has to do it. He may be 41 years old this year, but he sure doesn't think and behave like one. If he has any sense of humility at all, he should be embarrassed by that fact.

Anyway, I've passed the letter to him. He opened it. Browsed a little. I'm not sure if he'll read it though. Such a pity if he didn't. It was a handwritten letter! A beautifully handwritten letter at that! Too bad I couldn't scan it and post it here. I have beautiful handwriting you know.

Seeing him again, unrepentant and all, I was surprised that I felt sadness for him. Just like a mother who feels sad for her unfilial son. I wanted to hug him even! I wanted to console him. I could see and feel that he's confused inside. He couldn't reach out to anybody because that's not what's expected of men. He's a lost boy!

At first, I thought I wanted the content to be private. It was after all, my closure for him. But I've decided to share it...

Dear Md Idris,

Once you've seen my name on this letter, you may have torn this paper up without even bothering to read what I've written. Or, if you have chosen to read it, you may not understand what I was trying to say. So, I am writing it as simply as I possibly can.

You must be wondering why I spent my precious time writing this letter to you. In handwriting even! Simply because I think it is unreasonable of you to be angry and hate me still. You preach of fairness, yet what I had to endure to save your own skin was, in your demented mind, unjustifiable as compared to what I did to you??? Hate me for being smarter than you. Hate me for having more courage than you. Hate me for being stronger than you. But don't you hate me for what you deserved!

All that said and done, I really have to thank you for bringing out the strength I never knew I had. A strength at the expense of an unborn life you knew I wanted so badly. Thanks to you, never again will I allow myself to show my vulnerable side to others. You, consciously or not, have sealed my fear of commitment. I may have been with many men, my dear, but believe it or not, extremely few have received my affection.

We may never be on speaking terms again. Our paths may never cross again too, but I hope you will be happy with Neng. I hope she will be happy with you! If you even thought of mistreating her, I will haunt you. Try as you might, I am a very hard person to forget.

Nevertheless, I pray you only have good memories of me as I have only good memories of you. This is the end of the road for you and me. I wish both of you all the best.

Yours sincerely,
...

Reading it again and again, I believe I should win a Nobel prize for being so magnanimous! Even his boss agreed yesterday, that Neng and I have been so kind to him. He is a very lucky bastard! Too bad he doesn't even realise it!

He's in my prayers every now and then. He and Din. They are so much alike. I wish I could just cry right now and let it all out. But the tears are not coming! This is so frustrating! I've this sudden pain in my heart, and that empty feeling again. Cry damn it! CRY!!!

This is my 1,000th post! Hopefully, this is a good sign.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, February 22, 2007 @ 7:25 pm

Dear Blogger,

The meeting with Idris' boss went alright. I went all the way to Vivocity early in the morning just so he could check if I was alright. We already knew that this meeting was pointless, because I have moved on, Neng is living with it, and the whole world wakes up to another mundane life.

As far as Idris' boss was concerned, the matter was already closed. So it really puzzled me why he chose to spend over an hour of his company's time to chit chat with me. I guess I should have kept my mouth shut and let him lead the conversation. Sometimes, I think my brilliance and confidence are way too good for me.

We spent much of the time talking about Sentosa. It's CEO had just left to join some Dubai-based company. Jazz by the Beach is coming up. You know how much I loved Jazz by the Beach, but I think I'm going to give it a miss this time. I don't think those Sentosa boys are ready to see me back on the island so soon. Not that I give a damn anyway. They should feel embarrassed to see me considering what they did to me and Neng!

Wrote Idris a letter last night. My final goodbye for him. Handwritten, and sealed in a red envelope. Theatrical? I guess I've a thing for drama. Nobody writes letters anymore. No one hardly types letters even! Handwritten letters are such a lost art these days, but the impact they bring is... priceless.



Look how Daniel Radcliffe aka Harry Porter has grown up! Saw this photo in one of those British tabloids and I googled for more. Even when he was a boy, I used to have a crush on him. Or was it a crush on Harry Porter? Anyway, he's grown up well. Very well indeed! This photo was a publicity shot of his West End play, Equus, about a guy who's obsessed with horses. Sounds boring right? Not when Danny boy is full-frontal naked in one of the scenes, every week! See more of Equus photos here (with some of Dan's almost naked shots)

Feeling so sleepy all of a sudden. Despite lower dosages, these pills are really wearing me down! Can't live with them. Can't live without them!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, February 21, 2007 @ 11:35 pm

Dear Blogger,

My horoscope for today from Friendster:

The Bottom Line: Just because something is in your past doesn't mean that it has to stay there.

In Detail: When you find yourself thinking of an old friend or relative today, stop and pay attention. This person symbolizes something that you need to integrate back into your life. Give yourself time to figure out what it could be -- the answer might not be obvious at first. Remember that just because something is in your past doesn't mean that it needs to stay there. If you miss something, you can make it yours again. All you have to do is reach back and get it.

I immediately thought of Din, but believe me, I think he'd rather stay in the past. I tried to bring him to the present. How foolish of me. He's still the same old, unreliable Din. So who is this "old friend or relative"? An old fling? Definitely not a relative. I'm never close to my extended family on both sides.

Went to my gynae this morning for a post-op checkup. She confirmed that there's no more residue in my womb left from the abortion. She also confirmed that my ovaries were healthy and already producing eggs. Both relief and worry swept over me. Relief that I could still get pregnant. Worry because I COULD still get pregnant!

She advised me to go on the oral contraceptive pills again, since condoms didn't work on me twice! I thought that was a good idea. Just that I can't afford them right now. I like oral contraceptive pills because they make my menses come on clockwork. No more bloody red surprises on my panties.

Went to school to try to clear as much of my Final Year Project as possible. My meeting with the project supervisor was postponed till 6 p.m., so I was all alone in the research room trying to make sense of the computing jargon. Considering that I've had my first taste of computers at the tender age of 9, I still know nuts about the science of computing!

Halfway through the day, I felt this sudden sense of restlessness. I couldn't concentrate on what I was doing. Every text seemed like a blur. I couldn't think! I thought I needed a break. I threw up my breakfast of instant noodles in the morning. So, maybe I needed food. It was half past 4 in the afternoon anyway.

But when I was there at the coffee shop, I just couldn't eat anything. I've ordered chicken bryani! Forced myself to swallow a few tablespoons, but you know where that ended up eventually. I couldn't think. I couldn't move. My mind and my heart felt so intensely heavy! What was going on???

I admit I haven't been taking my medication regularly, but I felt alright this morning! I smoked ciggies after ciggies, but that didn't calm my nerves. There was this sudden sense of loss again. I felt an anxiety attack coming. Should I call for help? Whom should I call? Ambulance? Din? God? I didn't know what to do!

And for the first time in almost a decade, I made my way to the mosque across the street. I didn't know what led me there, but I just made my way there. If this was God's doing for me to submit to Him in His house, that was just plain cruel. I threw up all I could in the toilet and cleaned up for the afternoon prayer.

I rarely stepped into mosques because the people in these mosques frowned on those who were not dressed accordingly. I just don't understand the fuss because not everybody can dress like they can! If God has pulled me into a mosque despite me wearing t-shirt and jeans, then who are these people to deny me entry???

Did I feel better after that? Slightly. My heart and mind are still heavy. I am still smoking. Maybe there was something else that I was supposed to do. Must God play mind games with me? Is it really God playing mind games with me? I am so sick of this bullshit! Really I am! God almighty knows how I feel about Him. The books said that we should always love God. But love comes with hate too! There's no love without hate and there's no hate without love.

I don't think I'm in the right frame of mind to meet Idris' boss tomorrow. The fact that he chose to meet at Pacific Coffee at Vivocity instead of Sentosa's meeting room worries me even more. To think I was so looking forward to this meeting! But how am I to compose myself when my mental state is in such a mess now??? Darn! These things always come at the wrong time. Damn you Murphy!!!

God had better give me a "Wentworth Miller" for all these tests I'm taking!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, February 20, 2007 @ 8:59 pm

Dear Blogger,

What do you do when you're hungry, spend over an hour deciding to eat or not, decide to eat but couldn't decide what to eat and when you finally sit down when the food is served, you're not hungry anymore? If you're just like me, you'd eat a few tablespoons, and then throw up at the toilet. I think my body's confused. It's hungry but it doesn't want to eat anything.

I wanted to pamper myself, but all I could think of was homework, homework, homework. Couldn't even watch "Prison Break" in peace! How am I to do them when I feel so tired at the end of the day??? I know I'm procrastinating, but I'm really tired. Restless too. Dying to get out of here.

Will I ever find a "Wentworth Miller" here? It seems so rare to find a guy who looks good, has good academic background and behaves well. Especially if your scope is only on the Malay guys here. I don't have any racial preferences. I don't even look Malay! But seriously! Is that such an impossible request???

I don't like being on this island. Too many people cramped into a small space. I feel... claustrophobic here. I need space! Some say space is relative. I have no idea what that meant. I'm not saying I want to be alone, but I want... space! To breathe well! To think clearly! To live! Where is my utopia???

moddie & neng (idris' fiancee) @ st john's island - feb 2007
Neng (Idris' fiancee) and I at St John's Island

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, February 19, 2007 @ 9:58 pm

Dear Blogger,

I'm back home again after a night at St John's Island. I didn't want to leave actually. It was so peaceful there. Although Idris' fiancee and I weren't allowed to overnight there without a permit, we just pitched a tent and drank bourbon all night. We still have a bottle of Absolut vodka left but we were too full from the bourbon.

Even though I was incredibly tired of talking about Idris (or Idy as she now calls him... but it's my name for him!), she wanted to know as much about him as possible. I could only provide the side of Idris that I know. I don't think that's a complete picture though. I am more and more convinced that it wasn't just me he was cheating with. I've just found out that there's this other Chinese girl at Sentosa whom he has been flirting via SMS.

Last Sunday's Life paper had this article on the increasing number of people who cheats on their partners via SMS. I believe we have all been guilty of that at some [point in time. So, although there's no physical involvement, flirting in whatever medium other than with your partner, is rightfully cheating!

Anyway, St John's Island was lovely. We didn't have much space to play. The beach area was smaller than the size of a football pitch! But it wasn't crowded with people. In fact, despite it being the Chinese New Year holidays, we almost had the whole island to ourselves!

I had a horrible sunburn on my arms and shoulders. I've forgotten to rub sun block on my shoulders, and I was wearing a spaghetti top! Now I look like a cooked lobster. Even half my face is red! I've forgotten what being sunburnt feels like. It's not a comfortable feeling for sure. I don't mind being red. I rarely get a tan anyway.

Did we get drunk? Not really. High yes, but nothing kinky happened! We spent the whole night bitching about Idris and ignoring his calls. He's probably pissed by now and highly likely that he's blaming me for it. His fiancee actually diverted her calls to my phone and everytime I answered his calls via my phone, it confused the hell out of him.

It's sad though that he was curt on me. He didn't have to sound so harsh to me. It wasn't like I kidnapped his fiancee or something. I didn't even touch her! I could have you know. What with my lesbian tendencies and all. But I didn't. She wasn't my type. I don't know what's my type though.

Despite the fact that she's is still marrying him no matter what, she was intent to torment him till the end of time! I'm not sure what good that will bring her, but I feel that the more she torments him, the more Idris will continue to hate me. I don't want that! We might not be on speaking terms anymore (pity!), but I don't want him to hate me. It's hard to believe, but I could feel his hatred eating me up!

But I did ask her if I could be the godmother to her children. I thought Idris owed me that much. Wouldn't it be even more surreal if your ex-girlfriend, whom you hate so much, is the godmother to your children??? If that isn't surreal, that must be hilarious! I know everyone is still scratching their heads on why is his fiancee and I on talking terms. Even to spend the night together on another island! I really have no good answer for it. Just that God works in mysterious ways.

moddie @ st john's island - feb 2007
Me, sunburnt, at St John's Island

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, February 17, 2007 @ 10:52 pm

Dear Blogger,

What did I tell you? Once I took the medication, I'd have a hard time waking up on time. After days of not getting enough sleep, I thought a little medical intervention would not hurt.

Even though my doctor had reduced the dosage, my mind was still asleep right now! Yawn and yawn. Coffee after coffee. Didn't work. Perhaps that was the intention. If my mind's asleep, I wouldn't be able to think too much!

I read a book about good habits of women in Islam. As usual, there's a chapter on wives and marriages. Did you know that a married man can take on another wife without the first wife's knowledge??? How more male-centric can Islam be??? I could understand the point about, if everything else is fair and equal, a married woman should not deny her husband of marrying another. IF everything else is fair and equal.

But to secretly marry another??? That's just asking for trouble isn't it? It was interesting that I came upon that chapter because Idris' fiancee had once said, she wouldn't mind if Idris takes me on as his second wife. I thought that was very, very hilarious! It still cracks me up thinking about it.

That will never happen because (a) he hates my guts (for all the wrong reasons) and (b) he's embarrassed to realise that I'm the one with the bigger balls. Besides, he can't afford both of us! Financially, emotionally, physically and sexually. This guy had to stop after only one round! Believe me, all the Viagra in the world cannot increase his sexual stamina.

Packing up for an unplanned night at St. John's Island. An all-night drinking session basically. I haven't touched a drop since my pregnancy. Not smoked either. Doing this for Idris' fiancee. Yup. That's right. I'm going on a trip with the fiancee. How weird can that be! But she's awfully confused now. Who knows??? It might be fun!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, February 16, 2007 @ 11:27 pm

Dear Blogger,

Met my doctor yesterday who gave me me more anti-depressants and sleeping pills, which I suspect I won't be taking. They are good to get me to sleep, but I won't be able to wake up on time! My doctor had also referred me to a psychologist to analyse and help me with my behaviour. He said, medication could only do so much.

It'd be interesting to hear what a professional thinks of all this madness. I'd ask him to analyse this dream I had of Idris last night. I dreamt that Idris and I were getting married but he stood me up at the altar. The fact that my subconscience remembered his face so vividly is creepy. Consciously, his image is a blur to me.

His boss had also requested to meet me next week. Just with me. Alarm bells ringing? Not really. I think he's curious to know who this woman with balls was. Let's face it! How many women out there are like me??? I mean, if he had wanted a proper closure, he'd take up my suggestion to have all of us in the same room! But he didn't.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, February 14, 2007 @ 7:58 pm

Dear Blogger,

I feel so tired already, but that's because I only slept for 2 hours last night. Went to school before the sun has even risen! Haven't done that since... primary school??? Fortunately today, I managed to reach home when there was still daylight.

I sat for 2 midterm papers today, which I only managed to revise at 3 in the morning. It's a killer I know. But they were open-book exams. Doesn't necessarily mean they're easier. Just the impression of being easier itself is a consolation. All for the sake of forgetting a certain someone and moving on. Enough about him!

I forgot what day it was today. No... I knew it was Wednesday, but I've forgotten why it was special. It's that dreaded day of the year again. Hear the groans of all the singles in the world! Was it just me or was almost everyone on the streets today carrying some flowers or gifts except me? I swear to God it sure looked that way. Even the guys are carrying roses! The thought of buying myself flowers was so... stupid.

So what's a singleton going to do? Sit in front of her laptop and blog about it. Haha! Anyway, I'm supposed to be doing 2 assignment papers tonight. I'm just so brain dead now. Never, ever compromise sleep! Maybe I'll sleep now and wake up at 3 a.m. again.

Bought some Zen/Buddhist/one of those wise sayings culture, bookmarks. I love buying unique bookmarks. Only bookworms like me use proper bookmarks. Not slips of paper. Check this out!

For knowledge we have acquired to become our own wisdom, we need to reflect on it mindfully so that it comes to be our own understanding.

Whoa...

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, February 13, 2007 @ 11:35 pm

Dear Blogger,

It had been another long day at school. In fact, I've just gotten home! What do I expect after missing 2 weeks of school??? But I'm not complaining. Like I said, all this work is keeping my mind occupied. So much so, that I became too tired to even think about him!

Perhaps the medication helped too. When I didn't take it the other night, my mood the following morning went back to its low. When I took it last night, my mood today was quite stable. Although, I have a problem waking up in the morning. I know the medication was supposed to help me sleep, but if I can't wake up on time for my classes, then it isn't really helping, is it?

What's even weirder was, somehow, I've became the rational "friend" of Idy's fiancee. I know she's confused right now and she needs all the emotional support she can get. I felt all that just in the last 2 weeks! Still, am I not an unlikely source of support? I mean, here I am looking for my own strength from God knows where, and here she is looking up to me for strength!

This is so surreal. She is a strong person. She's just forgotten it. Can't blame her. That's what love does to people. Now you know why I love and hate the idea of love. It's just way too mentally distressing. When it's good, it's really good. When it's gone horribly wrong, the ends of the world still doesn't feel far enough to escape.

I would love to cuddle up in bed right now, but I've to prepare for a presentation and revise for a midterm tonight. Is that all? I can't really remember. My to-do list is so full of undone tasks that I'm avoiding looking at it for awhile already.

Oh! I thought I did pretty well with my recovery so I bought a new pair of black stilettos from Charles and Keith! Actually I needed that to match my business suits. Can't be wearing my gold stilettos now can I?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, February 12, 2007 @ 11:10 pm

Dear Blogger,

Back in school. Lots of things to catch up. Assignments overdue. Midterms. Projects. Presentations. Maybe this is a good thing. It'll keep me occupied for awhile. Until the sun sets, that is. At night time, loneliness will haunt me again. I've just got to learn to cope with it.

Obviously, I won't be going on dates anytime soon. It's not like any guy is going to ask me out anyway. I'm probably blacklisted in their books already. I am a scary person. I know. I scare myself sometimes. Neither pretty nor ugly. Neither fat nor thin. Neither smart nor stupid. Insignificant.

People often don't see what they don't want to see. Behind this smile and laughter, is a young woman crying. They don't want to see the woman in pain. They don't want to see the tears she shed. I am really not a strong person you know. But I have to be strong. It is what is expected of me. Unfair, but life is never fair.

I don't know how long I can put on this facade. The stronger I seem to be on the outside, the more of my insides break apart. I really have nobody you know. Nobody. Why does it have to hurt so much? Can you feel my heart being ripped out with bare hands? Can you hear me choking in my own breath?

Can't Let Go - Landon Pigg (excerpt)

Well you're the closest thing I have
To bring up in a conversation
About a love that didn't last
But I could never call you mine
Cause I could never call myself yours
And if we were really meant to be
Well then we justify destiny
It's not that our love died
Just never really bloomed

Do you realise that there's always a song that can describe how you're feeling? I guess I don't have to write much then.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, February 11, 2007 @ 11:24 pm

Dear Blogger,

When I woke up this morning, I felt a chill down my spine. I don't know what it is, but the feeling just wouldn't go away. Was I reacting to the medication? Is it doing more harm than good? Maybe I shouldn't take any more of it.

I had those butterflies feeling again. Internally, I'm conflicted. That's what causing the anxiety attacks. Do I have split personalities? Will this condition of mine evolved into schizophrenia? Or am I just over-reacting to all my thoughts?

Now I knew why I was feeling all those today. Didn't I tell you that somehow, somewhere, she's going to find me? She is of course, Md Idris' fiancee. Apparently, our honourable Md Idris had confessed to her the night before. She contacted me to clarify certain things.

We agreed to meet at the Coffee Club Orchard at 10 p.m. I seriously didn't know what to expect. I mean I had hoped this would happen, but not so soon. I guess my public shaming of him did work. To get me to stop whatever I was doing, he finally decided to confess. A bit too late I think.

Before that, I had a text conversation with the fiancee. But this is the good part. She was the one who told me that he was getting married! So, it wasn't Md Idris who sms-ed me! She had suspected something was going on with her beloved Md Idris. So she sms-ed all the girls in his contact list with his phone!

The point was, if she had not done it, I would still not know! I'd probably be fucking with him tonight even! Looks like our beloved Md Idris had underestimated both of us! And to think that I wanted to flush her out, when in fact, it was she who wanted to flush me out!

I am still in shock actually over the turn of events. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't enjoy watching him wriggle his way out of it. To a certain extent, I sort of pitied him. He is a really good guy! It wasn't his fault that he was born with a penis.

But he deserved to be punished. His fiancee only knew about it the night before. But only because of what I did to him. If I had not done it, he would never confess, and she'd be still in the dark. This guy was already engaged a year before he got involved with me! And his friends knew! What were they thinking when they told me he was single and available??? They deserved to be punished too for leading this charade!

She asked me if I still want him. I didn't know how to answer. A part of me still cared for him. The other part knows that he doesn't deserve me at all. Besides, after what I did to him, he wouldn't want me at all. A lesson to all guys out there, you will slip up eventually. And if you're unlucky enough to mess with a woman like me, pray to God.

Both of us cared for him deeply. Sadly for her, she fell for him much deeply than I did. She's hurting right now, but she has a strong character too. She made a mistake with Md Idris, just like how I made a mistake with Din. She broke up with him several times over the course of their relationship, but every time he tugged at her heartstrings, she took him back. If Md Idris had done the same to me, I think I'd make the same mistake too.

Time to move on. Taking baby steps to move on. Will be back in class tomorrow. Lots of catching up to do. Not to mention lots of explanation. I'll still go for my psychosomatic therapy. My doctor will help me channel all this creative energy into something more useful, like school!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, February 10, 2007 @ 7:43 pm

Dear Blogger,

The medication is working. I still do get anxiety attacks, but I'm able to control it now. I've started the ball rolling, and I'm just letting the mechanics keep the ball rolling. I've not done anything to him since Tuesday, but he doesn't have to know that.

Was I cruel? Don't get me wrong. I still believe that Md Idris is a good person. He just has horribly bad behaviour. He deserves to be happy. But so do I! So was I really cruel? As much as he bloody was!

So before he accused me of ruining his life, he had better stepped back and think about how he ruined mine. Tell him to explain to our dead baby why his daddy didn't want him to live! He'd better thank his lucky stars that I've a strong character. It was plain stupid of him to think of me as otherwise. I will rise again. I swear to God I will rise again.

This reminded me of a school project I did many years ago. With destruction comes creativity. If only I could channel all this energy into my school work. That's where the professional help comes in, I guess.

In the meantime, as long as I'm unhappy, I curse him a lifetime of unhappiness! Even if that means turning heaven and earth upside down! Can you feel my rage? Do you think he feels my rage? How could I not still feel angry??? He thinks so little of our baby! He just told me that if I promise to stop all this, he'll show me his baby with her! How DARE he!!!

God may not be on my side right now, and I may not have much faith in fate. But he will suffer as long as I'm suffering.

"Heav'n has no Rage, like Love to Hatred turn'd
Nor Hell a Fury, like a Woman scorn'd.
"
- "The Mourning Bride" (1697) by William Congreve

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, February 09, 2007 @ 10:46 pm

Dear Blogger,

I don't feel alright. As soon as I stepped out of the house, there were butterflies in my stomach. The butterflies had not left since. The good thing was, I didn't have any appetite to eat. See! I'm always trying to see the silver lining!

How am I to function back to normal fast? All that crap about how time heals all wounds is contradictory to time waits for no man. I know I have to get well, but all this pressure to deliver isn't helping! Why can't everyone just back off for a moment???

I just had an anxiety attack. At work! I locked myself up in the ladies cubicle for hours, just to get my breathing in control again. Was it the medication I took last night? Or did I step out too soon? Most probably the latter. Dr Wei said it would take at least two days for the medication to react.

Dr Wei was right. I am alone in this. Most sane people will not know how to react to a crazy person. They keep telling me things that I've heard a million times. Am I over-reacting? Dr Wei didn't think so. He believed that I did have a serious condition, and it needed to be treated. He said I was a danger to myself.

Md Idris tried to call me at lunch. I refused to answer his calls. Even in my fragile mental state, I thought it was best that I stay away from him. I am already crazy as it is. I don't need to be any crazier. I don't know what he wants and I don't care to know anymore. He could beg all he wants, but he had deserved what he had gotten.

As far as I'm concerned, there was nothing to talk about anymore. I just want to get well now. Oh! Before that, I just received an email from The Sunday Times reporter, requesting for an interview to cover the story. That was neat! But the editor refused to proceed with it. Didn't surprise me at all considering that the editor was male. Oh well... that was something new. I didn't think my little act of brutal public honesty would go this far.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, February 08, 2007 @ 10:26 pm

Dear Blogger,

I couldn't stand the confusing thoughts in my head, so I went to IMH. It was about time anyway. I was nervous when I got there. Nervous because I wasn't sure if the doctor was going to throw me out for being normal. I so wanted not to be normal. I wanted to stay there. It seemed that things were much clearer in this mental institution than the outside.

The first consultation didn't get off to a good start. How would feel if you were consulted by an M.O. who looked at you as if you were wasting his time? It was obvious that he would rather be somewhere else! He didn't even have to say a word. You would just have to look at his body language. When he did open his mouth, it was to ask questions which you came here to look for the answers in the first place!

I got up, said thanks and walked out. But not before I screamed at the registration desk that the doctor SUCKED!!! I stood at the porch and just cried. Here I was trying to get help. Instead, I got a doctor who needed more help than I did.

A nurse stopped me, together with some security guards who smartly stood ten feet away from me. If they had come closer, they'd get a serious dressing down from me. I may not fill my language with vulgarities, but I can sure make a grown man whimper with my linguistic prowess.

The nurse managed to get me back in and offered a consultation with a female M.O., Dr Chan. She wasn't so much a female doctor. I couldn't tell if she was male or female! But she was a better doctor. You need to have patience when treating a patient with personality or mental problems. This isn't some wound or disease which you can see so obviously! It takes time to work out a proper analysis and diagnosis for mentally-sick patients like me!

After which, I was seen by a senior doctor, Dr Wei. Oh! I gave Dr Chan the letter earlier. She called it a form of violence. Violence to whom I wonder. Dr Wei read the letter and agreed with her. Never in my life had I thought of letter-writing as violent. But they were the doctors.

Dr Wei did not see it necessary to have me warded for a few days. After all, I hadn't cut myself. I was only thinking about it. Perhaps next time, I should inflict physical pain on myself first. However, he wanted me to see him regularly for a psychosomatic therapy. In addition, he dispensed an anti-depressant, fluvoxamine or better known as Faverin, and anxiety pills, hydroxyzine.

I wikied these two drugs...

Fluvoxamine (brand name as Luvox®, Faverin®, Fevarin® and Dumyrox®) is an antidepressant which functions pharmacologically as a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor. Fluvoxamine is widely prescribed to treat depression, and anxiety disorder such as Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Spectrum Disorder, Panic Disorder, Social Phobia and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Hydroxyzine is a piperazine derivative that is used as an antihistamine(especially for itches), antiemetic (nausea reducing), and anxiolytic (anxiety reducing) drug. It can also be used as an adjunct to pre- and post-operative medication and it also possesses a weak analgesic effect. Hydroxyzine is sold under brand names such as Atarax, Ucerax, Serecid and Vistaril.

Interesting isn't it? Now I'm supposed to take them every night, so my mood will be stable in the morning. How about some pills to make forget certain things? Or a device to make me erase some memories ala "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"? We've managed to send man to the moon, yet we don't have commercially-available devices to erase some memories.

So does all this mean that I'm crazy? I still believe so. But I'm not as crazy as the so-called sane people out there in the real world. Somehow, I felt at home when I was there at IMH. Peaceful. Closest thing to an escape.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, February 07, 2007 @ 7:51 pm

Dear Blogger,

I thought I was ready to hit the books again after 2 weeks of missing classes. I woke up early. Got dressed. Did the morning prayer, but God wasn't there. So I just sat there, oblivious to the fact that the clock was ticking, and I shall be late for school. I just sat there.

The room wasn't actually spinning, but it felt like there was nothing in there. Just air. Horrible, stuffy air. I felt lost. Spiritually lost. I have never felt this empty before. What was going on? Does God have a hotline? Who do you call at 6 in the morning?

Thank heavens for Wentworth Miller! Michael Scofield to be exact. He has been a wonderful distraction of late. What do you do when your heart has been stepped on and reality isn't looking too good? Find inspiration in the unreal! In my case, I found mine in Michael Scofield. How anyone can look this good and have the brains to match, is beyond me.

Wentworth Miller
Princeton-graduated Wentworth Miller

In between hatching plots to make life hell for Md Idris, I've been watching "Prison Break" season 1 on DVD. 6 discs. 4 episodes per disc. 1 hour per episode. So that makes it a total of 24 hours of "Prison Break". I've just finished watching the season, but I'm re-watching it. Why? Good plot, good cast, lots of testosterones! Just what I needed!

Anyway, where do I go from here? Somehow, I have to get my big arse back up again. The world still spins. Life still goes on. Both Din and Idris still have their penises. Maybe not their reputation, but their penises are still intact. So what does that leave me? A climb up Mount Everest of life, again.

Let's look at it positively. I'm losing the weight that I've gained. So... that's good. Just heard a song from Shakira. How apt I think, for what has happened. Maybe I should burn the song on a disc, print out the lyric and mail it to all the guys who had chewed my heart for breakfast.

Illegal - Shakira featuring Carlos Santana (chorus)

You don't even know the meaning of the words “I'm sorry”
You said you would love me until you die

And as far as I know you're still alive, baby

You don't even know the meaning of the words “I'm sorry”

I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart


Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, February 06, 2007 @ 8:05 pm

Dear Blogger,

The past few days' exciting events are coming to a close. Something snapped in me today because I made my way down to Sentosa, with copies of our glorious picture together and the letter I've been emailing out to folks out there. Accidentally dropped a copy or two here or there. Probably dropped several at the main office. How careless was I???

Walked to the store where the boys hang out. When I came, there was only one person there. I wasn't sure if he knew what was going on or if he was just feigning ignorance. As they say, penises stick together. Doesn't matter. I accidentally gave him a copy.

Eventually, the honourable Md Idris turned up and bravely walked up to me. If he had expected me to scream and rant at him, I was not sorry to disappoint him. I was all smiles and sweet sarcasm. Didn't mean to. I did mean to be nice and polite. Somehow, the words that came out of my mouth were just acidic.

I gave him his wedding gifts. Yes. I'm such a gift-giving person. It wasn't much. Just a big box of Durex Extra Safe condoms, a set of extra small condoms for puny peckers and a busted condom patch kit. See the joke there? I must have accidentally slipped a copy of the letter too in there.

When he left, I just had to do one more thing. I've always wanted to do it. Remember how I pulled the oil tubes from Din's bike years ago? I only managed to crack Md Idris's car window. A slight crack. Couldn't do more damage because two of his colleagues stopped me. What is it with boys and cars anyway? A broken window is worth more than a broken heart?

Oh! Md Idris suddenly became religious! It would have been good, if he wasn't using it to excuse himself. Why is it that many so-called Muslim men here love to preach religious text only to defend their misbehaving ways? I'm as much a Muslim as donkeys are horses. I'm not proud of it, but I don't go around using it to explain myself. It is an enigma the size of the Singapore's hopes in the World Cup.

When will he realise that he can end all this animosity if he just confesses to the unsuspecting woman he is about to marry? I don't really care if the marriage fell through or not. My only concern is, if I die tomorrow, this secret that he wanted to keep so much, does not go to the grave with me. I wanted everyone to know, that we did conceive a child and how he cleverly deceived me and everyone around him.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, February 04, 2007 @ 6:08 pm

Dear Blogger,

It is with my greatest pleasure to inform you that… I’M HAVING A BABY!!! The father is of course, Md Idris Bin Husin, an exemplary staff of the Events Operations department in Sentosa. He is not as thrilled as I am to let the whole world know about this wonderful news, but I just could not keep this to myself!

Unfortunately, on the 2nd of February 2007, less than a week after I’ve told him of the wonderful news, I was admitted to Raffles Hospital for an abortion. I was only in my 5th week of pregnancy but it was still an extremely difficult decision to make!

Nevertheless, I went through with it because (a) we were not married, (b) I was a full-time undergraduate with a year of study to go, and (c) he did not want the baby, citing work-related reason. Apparently, he’s here on “work permit”. Or so he claimed.

You would think that life would not throw you anymore surprises so soon after this BIG one. Boy, was I wrong! On the morning of 4th February 2007, he SMSed me that he’s “getting married”!!! After a year (ONE YEAR!) of being out and about together, he thought “we were just having fun”. I kid you not. Those were his exact words! Who knew??? I hadn’t a clue! His friends didn’t either! He deserved to be castrated with a rusty butter knife for not having the gonads to tell me to my face!

You must be wondering why I am telling you this. Revenge? Partially, yes. It is mostly because I am so SICK and TIRED of letting men like MD IDRIS BIN HUSIN get away so easily while women like me suffer in silence! This isn’t the first time my dear friend. Oh no. This is the second, and believe me when I say that this is a déjà vu experience. Happen once, shame on you. Happen twice, shame on me!

I will NOT let men like him go away scot-free anymore! Since he refused to confess to his fiancé about us, I see it as my womanly duty to let her know about the man she is about to marry. Also, all women MUST know that we DON’T have to suffer in silence for the philandering ways of our supposed male other half!

I am not asking for your sympathies nor am I rallying for widespread support. The fact that you have read this is solace enough for me. I encourage you to spread this juicy true story to your girlfriends, boyfriends, best mates, colleagues, whoever! If you know Idris and you’ve seen him around, send him my regards. It is never fun when you have to go through an abortion.

moddie & idris - jul 2006
Idris and I during happier times

Yours sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, February 02, 2007 @ 11:04 am

Dear Blogger,

Do you know what it feels like to be dead? Do you know what it feels like to want something so bad but everyone else doesn't? There is no other reason but the fact that it was God's doing. God granted me this wish, a birthday present even! Even though circumstances did not permit it! How could they make me take away something that God has given me??? It's akin to an insult to God!

Of course everybody will think it's the mother who makes the choice. It's always the mother to be blamed. Nobody ever makes the father responsible. Or the support system. What can I possibly do when my own family wants nothing to do with it? In their mind, it was all my doing. Is it? There was only one Virgin Mary in history, and I'm not her.

The last one almost killed me. This one is killing me already. I'll never have this chance again. I'm getting too old. I'm as good as dead.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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