modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006 @ 11:04 pm

Dear Blogger,

Too much fun, but too little time! How heavenly life would be if I could live so hedonistically. Who needs a man when you can have several men??? I realised that now. Giving your heart and soul to just one man is a heartbreak waiting to happen. But sharing them with several men significantly lowers the risk of a possible mental degeneration.

I know I'm going to be struck down by lightning soon. Or worse! A lawsuit! I've been flirting with a married man since last night. Right smack under my date's nose! I know I shouldn't. It is very wrong. What am I talking about?! It's a catastrophe!!! We haven't done anything physical yet. It's all very text-based still. But these things have a way of leading into something bigger you know.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, November 27, 2006 @ 1:58 pm

Dear Blogger,

Exhausted. Oversexed. Sleepless. I desperately need to sleep, but there's always something to do that pushes sleep down my mental to-do list. This is what being a zombie feels like huh? Tough luck!

Despite my partial reality, partial la-la land mental state, I was surprised that I could pen a ridiculous sonnet. Inspired by the damp weather today. And Idy. And Din, whom by the way, is playing games with me again. He's like a cockroach isn't he? Never know when to just DIE!

See this rain?
These are her tears.
The sky weeps.
Solace to her hopes and fears.

Her fragile heart,
yearns for you.
But you shut your door at her,
so unexpectedly,
so soon.

Why did you seek her,
when she chose to be alone.
All you were looking for,
was just pleasure,
for your own.

She's falling,
into the great depths of self-destruction.
Unloved. Unwanted. Unforgiven!
Choked by her own imperfections.

I NEED TO SLEEP!!!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, November 25, 2006 @ 10:33 pm

Dear Blogger,

When you mix hard liquor, BBQ food, liberal guests and an isolated bungalow, what do you get? A damn wild party is what you get! My bottle of dry gin was emptied in mere seconds! Everyone loved it! Note to self: Convey thanks to girl at Bottles & Bottles, Vivocity.

As always, I did not intend to stay long. As always too, somehow I managed to stay till sunrise. Was watching telly after gotten myself almost drunk with all the shots I've been drinking, when a girl I've been flirting online for quite some time came over and kissed me. I meant really lips to lips, tongue to tongue, tits to tits KISS!

I have to say that I've never had my mammaries suckled by a girl before. What did it feel like? It didn't feel any different when guys do it. It must be true then! We fuck as good, maybe even better, than guys these days! So does it mean I'm a bisexual now? I don't think so. I'm what she called a bi-curious. I may not love men, but I still want to have my fun with men.

We moved upstairs. Despite the constant interruptions, she was pretty insistent on carrying on. Boy was she horny or what?! I must have passed out, because when I opened my eyes, I was in bed with some guys I couldn't remember. We're in a chalet! Beds are scarce here! It would have been fine if they had just gone to sleep, but no! They had to joke about the crudest things possible! How could you sleep in a room full of jokesters???

Worse of all, it was already 4 am. You know what that means. That's the time my hormones are in full alert. Since we're all mammals, I was very sure the guys could smell my heat. One thing led to another, and it became a romper stomper with 3 guys and 2 young ladies. As usual, I was the fairest of them all. Couldn't help bringing that up. Anyway, that was something new for me.

Did I feel embarrassed? Dirty? Angry? Surprisingly... No. It felt like it was something that people do everyday! Have I become too liberal for an Asian society? I believe I have. No wonder I'm not popular with the women and older crowd here. Would I do it again? I don't know. I can't even remember their faces! It was one of those things where it just happens and we don't talk about it openly, but we make personal jokes about it. You know. The usual stuff.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, November 24, 2006 @ 11:32 pm

Dear Blogger,

I was on an unintended spending spree today, spending on a red belt, a bottle of Blackwood's Dry Gin and a 0.32 carat diamond ring. Yes! A diamond ring! I've given up hope for anybody to give me one, so I bought it myself.

Out of boredom, I measured my statistics. I'm 36-32-38. That makes me a big hour glass shape right? I have Chinese breasts and Malay butt! Of course I would love it if the fat from my waist would go up to my breasts. I just want a size bigger that's all!

The bottle of dry gin was for tonight's chalet at Changi. It was my present to the birthday host. Initially, I wanted to buy bottles of wine. I know the other guests would haye brought the standard bourbon, whisky and vodka. But after a sniff of the dry gin, I was sold! It smelled sweet and it tasted delicious, neat! I'll save the wine for the beach later.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, November 22, 2006 @ 9:43 pm

Dear Blogger,

Zoukout is only 2 weeks away, and instead of losing weight, I'm gaining weight! It's time for drastic actions. I'm going to do a Posh Spice and feed myself only once a day! Better yet, why eat at all? I'll throw it up anyway. Oh! I'll go on a liquid diet!

I'm not asking for toned limbs and flat tummy. I just wanted a slimmer body that would look good in a wet t-shirt! Was that too much to ask??? That's it! No more beers! For the time being that is. Instead, I shall live la vida loca just to burn off this excess fat. Here's to a crazy girl's crash diet!

Oh damn! I'm already thinking of KFC. No! No! No! Focus! How do all these models do it? How do they stay so disciplined? I guess it's the environment they're in. It's easier when you have friends who starve themselves too. Another model just died of anorexia. But she was 21 years old. In modelling terms, that's the old. I don't think she'll be missed much by the big fashion houses. Damn them!

My current favourite dynamic duo is the Tenacious D (The D), also known as Jack Black's band. He has a new movie out called "Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny". It's a hilarious movie that American Pie-bred teenagers would love. Not to say that old geezers like me won't enjoy it. I did! It was more "Spinal Tap" than "Bill and Ted". Watching Meat Loaf act as the ultra-conservative father to Jack Black is gut-wrenching funny in itself. Yes, the same Meat Loaf who has a fascination for bats. Or was that Ozzy Osbourne.

The gist of the story is how The D plot to steal the Pick of Destiny (POD) from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Museum. Legend has it that POD originated from the Satan's tooth. Anyone who plays his guitar with the POD will make rock and roll masterpieces. That included The Who and Van Halen.

Granted, I don't know half the bands The D worship, but credit to The D for writing and singing the music in this movie. As a result, it's like watching a 2 1/2 hour music video, without the edgy editing. Tenacious D's music is almost always over the top. Dramatic in fact! More in the likes of Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody". But it's never boring.

The D love their fucks and cocks. It took me a little getting used to, being a prude and all. Yeah right! Check out the "cock push ups" and the "cock turns off laser" scenes. I have never laughed so hard and be so embarrassed at the same time! I never thought I'd cover my eyes at an erection. Haha! Worthed every cent of my hard-earned money.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, November 21, 2006 @ 9:13 am

Dear Blogger,

One of my little life's pleasures is to read in peace. And one of the few places where I can do that is in the bathroom. When you're sitting there in the morning after breakfast, or whenever your tummy has too much to handle, what better way to spend all that time in there than with a good book?

Here's an excerpt from a book I'm reading right now, "Romancing The Ordinary - A Year Of Simple Splendour" by Sarah Ban Breathnach. I hope this will enlighten most men out there.

"Women often confuse love and romance. God knows, I did. While both are frequently in each other's company, they're not the same. Think of love as emotion. Romance is its evocative expression. Romance reveals the depth and breath of a lover's feelings in a particular way. Romance is the flourish, embellishment, poetic gesture. Love can be conveyed in an e-mail, but when a woman receives a handwritten letter, she's being romanced. The time it took, the glimpse of her name in his handwriting - these are the things that make her heart beat faster.

If love is dessert, romance is a pear tart with apricot sauce and muscat-raising ice cream. If love is a dance, romance is a tango. If love is a trip, romance is a journey on the Orient Express or a ride through the park on a bicycle for two.

A woman can be loved, madly, deeply, but if the only way your suitor can express it is to mumble 'Ditto' after you reveal your feelings, you might have love, doll, but you definitely don't have romance. Women want and need love but our constant craving is for romance."

That was an eloquent way to describe love and romance, wasn't it? Nobody sends out handwritten letters anymore. I don't particularly liked my handwriting, but I do send out handwritten notes occasionally. It has that personal touch you see. That reminds me! Have to buy coloured paper and envelops for personalised Christmas and New Year's cards!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, November 20, 2006 @ 7:21 pm

Dear Blogger,

It was probably all that medication Daddy is taking. That was why he was rambling incoherently on and on. This morning, he told me that as soon as I graduate, I had better find myself a husband. Yeah right. Sure! In August 2008, I'll drop by the supermarket and check out a husband. Why stop there right? Why not check out some children as well? I'll bring home one big, happy family. Just for Daddy.

Why do some people think that finding your soulmate is as easy as solving the daily Sudoku in the Today paper? Also, once you've found that someone, does it automatically mean a lifetime of happiness? Please don't give me anymore of that bullshit. I can't even hold on to a boyfriend. Let alone a husband. Besides, I don't believe in monogamous relationships anymore. It's as dead as Michael Jackson's pop career.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, November 18, 2006 @ 11:03 pm

Dear Blogger,

I can't believe some people are still out Hari Raya visiting! Wasn't Aidilfitri a month ago? These people sure celebrate for 30 days huh? I wonder if they really fasted for 30 days... I overheard a couple of teenagers in the bus bragging about the days when they were openly NOT fasting. And here they were, all decked in their satin silk glory. Oh, the sadness of it all.

I miss Din. That was so out of the blue! I think Din gave me a taste of what being in love feels like. So, to be more accurate, I miss being in love. I miss the feeling of being wanted, being desired. Not just for what's underneath these clothes, but for the whole package. Even till now, sad as it may sounds, Din was the only one who was ever in love with me. And I reciprocated that love.

Oh no. I think I'm going to cry again. I'm such a sentimental slut! To make myself feel better, I pulled out my 3-day old nose stud, and forced it in again. I did this repeatedly. Of course it hurts! But pain is good. The pain reminds me of what happened when I was in love. Pain. It's the new love.

From today, I'll try to recommend good books and its resources to anyone who is interested. I'm taking information sharing seriously these days. I've just finished reading "Pass Your Exams: Study Skills For Success", by Andrew Holmes. It's one of the books from the "52 Brilliant Ideas" series. It's nothing groundbreaking, but it makes old ideas look like new ideas! I couldn't help but feel motivated to study again after reading this book!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, November 16, 2006 @ 4:18 pm

Dear Blogger,

For every hour I slept last night, I woke up once. As a result, I twisted my shoulder. I don't know how, but I did. My stomach was still rocking when I woke up. I'm not complaining though. I find solace in my misery for some reason.

I wish I had some physical conditions, like cancer or something, because it would be easier to explain why I'm like this. People has to see things to believe, and mental conditions are hard to see. You tell them you have cancer, and they go "Oh!" and that's the end of the story. You tell them you're depressed, and they "Ohhh...", and they start giving you "advice" you've heard a thousand times.

I had my nose pierced today. It looks like a big pimple on my nose. I must have been really crazy to have it done. But that's the whole point isn't it? You don't do this kind of things with a rational mind. If you do, you won't do it! What's next? Pierced tongue perhaps?

Anyway, did it hurt? Not really. I have an unusual tolerance level for pain. If I could sit through a brazilian wax, what's a pierced nose right? Some women can't endure even eyebrows tweezing. I could sleep through it. You should try plucking your pubic hair. That's just pure torture man! But for some morbid reason, I always ended up wanting to do more.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, November 15, 2006 @ 4:33 pm

Dear Blogger,

I woke up feeling awfully nauseated. I spent most of the day in the bathroom or asleep. Despite my turbulent stomach condition, I kept feeding myself junk food all day! All dipped in tartar sauce! Usually, I don't favour mayonnaise or even tartar sauce. A spoonful of those things adds pounds on my thighs! But today, I was licking off the tartar from the spoon! What's going on??? It's time for a radical change! GET UP MODDIE!!!

Get up to what? There's nothing to look forward to. I hate people remember? And they hate me! That's why I'm rotting here on my own. Why is it so difficult to meet someone whom you can really relate to? Someone whom you can talk to about anything and feel so damn comfortable about it, that it feels like you were made for each other? Am I such a misfortune??? I'm a fucking nice person damn it!!!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, November 14, 2006 @ 11:39 pm

Dear Blogger,

I just hate it when people ask me about my car. Whether you're an acquaintance or a family member, if you ask me about it, I will simply walk away. It's rude, yes, but it's also rude to intrude on something that I refuse to talk about. Just because I talk freely about sex, it doesn't mean that I want to share everything about my life.

I feel extremely tired all of a sudden. Probably it was the buffet I had earlier. I went for a Japanese buffet. I purposely skipped breakfast and lunch just so that I could savour the delights of sashimi and sushi for dinner. I passed on the teppanyakis, dim sums and other Asian delights. I was craving for raw seafood. For desserts, I only went for the ice cream with lots of nuts. No cakes and no fruits. Just ice cream and nuts.

Is it odd to dine alone? I don't think so. When you're hungry, who cares if you're stuffing food down your throat alone? So why is it that I get either suspicious stares or sympathy stares when I dine alone? Have these people never dine alone before? It's not just dining. When I watched movie alone yesterday, people just couldn't believe that I watched it alone. Why is that?

So is it unnatural to fuck myself too? I'm sorry folks. I don't have the luxury of constant companionships like you do. I'm an accidental loner. I'd be non-existent in a minute, and the world will still spin in its axis. I'm not a people person. I'm not as confident as people think. I'm intimidating. I scare people away. I'm the discipline mistress of the school for wayward kids. I should have gone into teaching.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, November 13, 2006 @ 11:00 pm

Dear Blogger,

I did it. I lifted my butt and made my way to The Cathay to catch "A Good Year". Not before I stopped by for Mac mocha shake and eyebrows tweezing that is. Those were unplanned for. The movie was not till one and a half hours later! You can't imagine the distractions I came across while waiting!

I don't under why "A Good Year" got such a beating in the US. It's an excellent movie! Any movie that makes me feel good and makes me believe that life is wonderful again, is an excellent movie. Note to self: Marry a rich man, preferably one with a charming London accent, and buy a chateau in a French countryside.

The movie was all-round kaya toast with butter. Simply, deliciously, homemade. Russell Crowe played Max Skinner, a fast-living, workaholic jerk of a broken from London. Even then, he was charming arsehole. He learnt that there are more things to life than making money when his uncle left him a chateau and a vineyard in France. Max spent his childhood summers there. Thus, he had "grand" memories of with place and his uncle.

Like I said, it's a simple story, but it wasn't mushy. I liked the contrast of busy London and laidback French country. It rekindled my aspirations to live and/or work in London. The Picadilly lights did that for me. It also reminded me of Paris. Ah... What romance Paris has. Just like when I was in Paris, I was alone. I almost had the whole theatre to myself actually. But that did not stop me from watching the movie.

I knew it wasn't a waste of my $5+ for a movie ticket. UOB cardmembers get 12% off you see. That's cheaper than what my student pass entitles me to. But considering the treats I gave myself today, I really should be ashamed of myself.

I walked to library@Orchard afterwards. It was a lovely walk. See what a good movie does to me! I was inspired to read more self-improvement books. I don't know how that will help my failing grades, but better one small step at a time than no steps at all right? For this holiday season, I am allowed to borrow 16 books from the usual 8. That's why I prefer self-help books to fiction. They're faster to read.

Another note to self: Send thank-you notes to the good services rendered today. I'm making a conscious effort these days to compliment someone daily. It's relationship-building.

Sincerely,
modgurl

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Sunday, November 12, 2006 @ 11:56 pm

Dear Blogger,

I wanted to watch "A Good Year". It looked like an inspiring movie. God knows how much I needed to be inspired these days. The movie has received good reviews. Besides, Ridley Scott and Russell Crowe is a winning combination! I am still in love with Russell Crowe you know. He is a natural-born leader. Have you seen him in "Gladiator" and "Master and Commander"??? This guy rocks my world man!

Anyway, I guess I'll be watching it alone tomorrow. I've asked as many people as I could, but none could make the time. Shall I wait till someone is available for me? No. I have learnt that sometimes patience is not a virtue. Why should I always make myself available for these people? Have they bothered to drop a note to say hi? Of course not! Common excuse: "I've been busy!" Everyone is busy but a relationship of any kind does not last long if both parties do not put any effort to maintain it.

I am extremely tired. Hopefully, when my head hits the pillow, it won't wake up a few hours later. I would love a solid 7 hours sleep. Can't remember what a decent sleep feels like anymore!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, November 11, 2006 @ 11:59 pm

Dear Blogger,

Who have I been fucking before I met Idy? I'm trying hard to remember. It can't be nobody right? The reason I'm cracking my brain so hard is that I want to convince myself that I can live without a regular sex partner. Idy is not boyfriend nor commitment material. What do I expect from a 38-year-old bachelor??? I expected to end his bachelor days that's what! Why is it so hard for me to meet someone who thinks like I do and like what I do???

Oh by the way, I really have to thank some of my blog readers who were concerned about me lately. Thanks for the emails and calls. One even wired some money over! I am really touched by these gestures, especially the one who sent me money. But the guy joked about rape in one fateful conversation and that was the end of it. He probably thought I was too sensitive. He didn't even let me explain why! He just shut me out like that. It's his loss then.

I woke up with an infected right eye this morning. It's all swollen and itchy. I didn't have it checked at the doctor's because I couldn't afford to. So I try to have it cleaned as much as possible. It doesn't really hurt but the itchiness is driving me nuts! I am so tempted to rub my eye but I know it will only make the infection worse.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, November 10, 2006 @ 10:55 pm

Dear Blogger,

Damn Murphy struck again! I was already late for work, and guess what? I locked myself out of my own bedroom! I couldn't unlock the door knob, and I couldn't afford a locksmith, so I took the last resort; I used the hammer. I spent a good solid hour to knock the door knob into pieces. My fingers hurt and my nails need a manicure, but it was all worth it.

Because of Murphy, I had to take a cab to work. That's fifteen bloody Singapore dollars! The bright side of spending all that money? I reached work faster, redid my make-up, and got some snooze. Didn't sleep well again last night. Blame it on "Mr and Mrs Smith"! The combustion onscreen made its way offscreen. Hmm... Idy sure knows his movies.

Anyway, looks like today is Murphy's day. Not only was the train jam-packed, all the expressways were jammed! And I was already late for tuition! From Vivocity to Pasir Ris, it cost me a whopping $21! All in all, I spent about $50 today alone! To think I just received my salary yesterday.

I'm trying to lose as much weight as possible fast. Been watching my diet much stricter now. Trying to eat till I'm 80% full, not 100%. Eating less carbohydrates and sugar. More water. More exercise. Less cigarettes and alcohol. All this because December is coming, and you know what December brings: Zoukout and New Year's Eve parties!!!

Both parties will be at Sentosa and it will obviously be beach parties. So what's the dress code for beach parties? Less is more! I know this all sounds so hedonistic, but I've got it all worked out. I don't need to spend so much on these parties, especially on tickets. That's what Idy's for! Will probably spend on F&B, but I'll promise to keep it very low.

Why am I thinking of parties when I should be thinking about the upcoming exams right? Because thinking of parties is less stressful than exams. Duh! Perhaps I'm trying to avoid the inevitable. I know! I know! This is so wrong! Damn I need more discipline! But punishing myself isn't working. Perhaps I need a little "physical persuation". I think I'll drop that idea into Idy's head the next time we meet. It's been awhile since I've been spanked you know what I mean?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, November 09, 2006 @ 11:11 pm

Dear Blogger,

My best friend, Little D, is overworked. The poor vibrator has been working almost daily just to help bring my stress level down. When stressed, you need endorphines. For the body to release endorphines, you need to exercise. Sex is not only a recommended exercise, but it beats the monotony of running on the treadmill. Since I don't wish to meet anybody at the moment (can't afford to anyway), masturbation is the next best thing!

I finally received my pay for last month's work. I still haven't gotten my allowance for the national service I did though. The income was like a temporary oxygen supply. It will all soon be gone in an instant! I'm trying to avoid court summonses you see. For some reason, I'm surprised I haven't received one already!

What about school then? I don't know. The way I see it, I have two options. First, I can go to school next week and make my senses numb to all the stares and criticisms. Not just from the students, but from the staffs too. Second, I could just stay home and avoid the added stress and tears of staying in school. Hmm... Neither options look attractive. What shall I do? Where's my guardian angel when I need one???

Was watching "WWE Smackdown" just now. What happened to good old wrestling? Now it's all boobs and balls! Remember Bret Hart and his awful pink leotards? What about psychotic Ultimate Warrior and Rowdy Roddy Piper? I thought the psycho act and kilts were super sexy back then. Haha! And I was only 10 years old then.

Never fancied Hulk Hogan. He was too American. I had a soft spot for Andre the Giant though. He acted in a movie once. Something about a princess and there was Billy Crystal in it. I remembered the lead actress acted as Forrest Gump's love interest and later married ex-Mrs Madonna, Sean Penn.

Fast forward a few years later, and WWF became WWE. Suddenly wrestlers were not just wrestlers anymore! They were now superstars! Steve Austin and The Rock came to mind. Do I have the hots for The Rock or what?! He was so funny! Not slapstick funny but witty funny! He was a born entertainer.

His performance in John Travolta-Uma Thurman's "Short Cuts" was HILARIOUS!!! He played a gay actor-wannabe. Just putting gay and The Rock together was worth the 2+ hours to watch the movie! I think he should do more comedy roles. All the action stuff he did was expected of him. But comedy is a genre he excels in.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, November 08, 2006 @ 4:49 pm

Dear Blogger,

What day is it today? I don't even know. I wake up in the middle of the night, thinking it was morning. I wake up in the morning, thinking that it was night! I'm totally screwed! But you know what, I just don't care anymore. I don't care if I'll able to go back to school or not. I don't think I can be any more useful than what I am now.

I am an underachiever. So what? The world still functions without me right? If I was a little dumber, I could at least hook up with some old rich dude. But I'm not dumb. Neither am I smart enough. It's the curse of the middletons. Just like Liverpool! Condemned to eternal middle standings.

I've hooked up my webcam again. The funny things people do online. I guess there's a voyeur and an exhibitionist in every one of us. You learn something new every day! Who needs to be in school then???

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, November 07, 2006 @ 9:47 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm going crazy, but that's nothing new. It's the second day of my financial crisis. I would have been in class by now, presenting one of my projects. Instead, I'm stuck at home. I didn't want to wake up. I saw no point in doing so. But there was a mental battle. My mind kept screaming at me to get up, but my body stayed limp. I'm really going nuts aren't I?

If you wondered if anybody at home had asked why I wasn't in school, well, nobody asked. Nobody was concerned. Nobody cared. I didn't expect them to anyway. That's my family for you. I was always the happiest when I'm out of this place, out of this country, on my own. Remember Paris? How could I forget Paris?

I'm hungry. Not hungry to the point of starvation, yet. I can deal with hunger. What I can't deal is boredom. I have gone so low as to call Din again. But thank god, he switched off his phone! If he had answered, I'd probably burst into tears. Idy isn't talking to me either. Well, fuck him! Nobody's talking to me! I guess you know who your family and friends are in times of need. In my case, I don't have family and friends.

What is keeping me sane so far? What is keeping from slashing my wrists? I don't know. Control? Hope? God? Faith? I am more cynical than ever. I should have gone under by now. My faith is on thin ice right now. I was never a strong person you know. I don't know why people keep telling me that. I don't know where they get that idea from.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, November 06, 2006 @ 7:19 pm

Dear Blogger,

This doesn't come as a surprised. I didn't go to school today. I didn't go anywhere. I couldn't. When I told my schoolmates that I'm too broke to do anything, they probably thought I was kidding. Whatever they were thinking, they sure did not believe me. I couldn't blame them. How could anybody be this broke right? There's no such thing as poverty in Singapore.

How was my experience today? Hmm... it was excruciating to say the least. I know I could find something productive to do, but I was too depressed to do anything. I was online most of the day. If I wasn't sitting in front of my laptop, I'd be in front of the telly. I guess that's what broke people do huh?

Didn't even eat properly. Nothing to eat really. Only munched on leftover snacks and chips. That's my diet for the whole day! Wasn't that what I wanted??? To starve so I can be as anorexic as the models I see in the magazines???

I emailed my counselor about taking a break from school. I don't know what he's going to say. I don't know if he's going to be helpful. He hasn't been helpful of late. He keeps telling me things that I already know. I know I have issues! Help me fix them damn it! The school's paying you loads of money to tell me that I have issues???

I think I better quit school before it kicks me out. My GPA is so on the edge that it's only a matter of time till SM-bloody U kicks me out. No point telling my professors why I'm not in classes or submitting my assignments. They won't understand. Even if they do, they won't be be able to do anything about it. I don't they even want to!

Idy has once again reaffirmed my hatred for men. I have to let him go damn it! Stay away from him woman! He's no good for you! Why can't I stay away from him? Why do I always have problems staying away from such men??? Why am I always miserable??? God is fucking with my mind that's why!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, November 05, 2006 @ 10:10 pm

Dear Blogger,

I dun like authority. I've issues with them. I get rebellious at the slightest inkling of authority. I don't know why. Perhaps I have my dad to thank for. He made me despise authority. All that beatings sure fucked me up didn't it?

I'm thinking of looking for another job. This stint at Vivocity isn't doing well. Not only is the pay late, but the environment here is so bureauratic! There it is again! Bureaucracy! Maybe I'll fit better in a Silicon Valley-like environment, where creative slackers rule!

I don't know how I'm going to school tomorrow. Maybe I shouldn't. Horrible time to be absent from school, but I don't have much choice do I? I can't ask my mom for money, because she hasn't any. Even if she has cash to spare, she won't give me any!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, November 04, 2006 @ 11:20 pm

Dear Blogger,

I have a splitting headache right now. Been coding VBA for the last 6 hours, and at last, the application's done. It's a simple inventory application but damn! It sure killed a lot of my grey cells! I was so engrossed in it that I've almost forgotten about my financial situation.

I thank those who were concerned and offered to help but I don't need more loans now. I can't even afford to pay my existing loans, so I don't wish to borrow anybody's money. My salary isn't coming in anytime soon it seems. So, I'm really stuck where I am.

I really should force myself to sleep now. Been sleeping awfully late these days. At 5 am in fact! I don't know why I stay up that late. It wasn't like I was doing anything productive. I am so messed up! I need to get my act together! What the hell am I doing???

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, November 03, 2006 @ 11:08 pm

Dear Blogger,

My financial condition is critical. Simply put, I am super broke. I only have enough to cover 2 days' worth of transport. I don't know how I'll go to school on Monday. I don't even know if I'll be able to!

I only realised how critical my situation was just a few days ago. I can't even depend on my savings, because there isn't any! I was expecting the allowance I was supposed to receive for participating in the IMF/World Bank Group Annual Meetings to provide me a breather. For some reason, that's lost somewhere in the bureaucratic offices of our efficient government.

I asked Idy if he can send me home after work. We are working nearby to each other afterall. I didn't even mind waiting for him till the wee hours of the morning! He said Ok.

Hours later, he called asking me if I was very sure I wanted to wait for him. He did not need to go any further. I knew what he wanted to say. I told him he could simply say no. I would think of something else. I'll find someone or I'll walk or something.

The last thing I expected him to do was to give me any money. And the last thing I expected myself to react was to say no. I felt insulted even! I would rather earn that money by sleeping with someone! I don't want any money from him nor do I want to borrow any from him! I feel shitty as it is already. I don't need to feel any shittier.

Now, not only am I a failing student, I am also broke. I wonder what else has God have in store for me. Gee. The anticipation is killing me. La di da. La di da.

I sat next to what I assumed was a medical student. The clue: she was reading through her lecture notes. Sigh. It reminded me of my childhood ambition to be a doctor. How determined I was back then. How different I was. What has gone wrong???

I've been reading some psycho self-help books. I've been described as having an underachievement syndrome. It is as much caused by the environment as well as the level of self-motivation. I feel too tired and too confused to elaborate on it. Maybe next time.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, November 02, 2006 @ 8:11 pm

Dear Blogger,

I didn't go to school today. My brain and body refused to wake up! I finally forced myself to wake up at noon. Even then, I had to resist this strong resistance to crawl back to bed. Thinking about it now, maybe I shouldn't have resisted. I should have listened to my body.

I had dreams after dreams. Dreamt of falling off a building. Dreamt of a robbery. Dreamt of flying. Can't remember if I had dreamt of fucking. Wouldn't mind fucking Angelina Jolie again. I would love to make out with another girl right now. How come there are no horny lesbians? Am I too straight for them?

What am I going to do with my school predicament? I've been advised to seek counselling several times. I have been to counselling! Since Year 1! It hasn't helped much has it? I'm still fucked up!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, November 01, 2006 @ 11:04 pm

Dear Blogger,

I don't want to go to school anymore. I don't know what the hell am I doing in a university as established as SMU. It's been 3 years and I'm still asking this damn question! I'm just not good enough! I'm an undisciplined student. I don't think fast enough. I ask the stupidest of questions. I'm not a team player. And I feel very old. I'm really a 50-year-old trapped in a 26-year-old body. Not a good body at that either.

Why did choose to go back to school? I was disillusioned I guess. I had this grand vision of university being a dame institution of learning. Oxford. Cambridge. Harvard. I was inspired by the images of lively discussions taking place, not just in the lecture halls, but on the campus grounds too. I wanted to immerse myself in renowned libraries with book collections as ancient as the museum artefacts.

Now, I'm even more disillusioned. University isn't what I had dreamt all this time. I don't know if I would have been better off if I had stayed on working, but I know that I haven't really learnt much. But I know this much: If I don't work, I won't be able to go to school. And if I don't go to school, I won't be able to work well.

Am I making life difficult for myself? I always whine about life being complicated. But really, am I the one causing the problem here? That's not hard to answer is it? Afterall, people keep telling me, intentionally or not, that I have to buck up. Sigh...

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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