modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006 @ 11:36 pm

Dear Blogger,

Happy Halloween! I don't know why I even said that. I thought it'd be fun. I wish I could go to the parties tonight, but I am really exhausted. Even though I managed to sleep last night, it wasn't enough. I couldn't keep my eyes open the whole day! I was very surprised that I had the discipline to even attend classes today.

I watched "The Departed" again last night after school. My date hadn't watched it yet. Since he was paying and giving me a ride home, I didn't mind. I spent half the time asleep in the cinema, because I didn't sleep the night before. The temperature and seats in the cinema were conducive for sleeping too. Why must Singapore buildings be so damn cold???

I could have had another "late night activity" but we were both tired after the night before. He too didn't sleep. He went straight to work after that. Even though he treated me to movie and cuddled me in the cinema, I had no illusion of being his girlfriend again. I am just using him because he is convenient. Am I bad? Bad to the core baby! He's using me too. So it's all fair.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, October 30, 2006 @ 2:03 pm

Dear Blogger,

Can you see the smile on my face? Ignore the dazed look. I didn't sleep at all last night. Couldn't even take a nap. I didn't plan it to happen. I only hoped it would happen soon. After several nights, all I wanted last night, was to sleep.

I wasn't even thinking of him! But there he was! Out of the blue! He knew what I wanted. So let's not waste time playing games. I love knowing what I wanted and getting what I wanted. It's such a powerful feeling. He knew I was in control. He wasn't complaining. He didn't even mind being used.

By the time I got home, it was already 5 a.m. No time to sleep. Had a shower and a change of clothes. Packed my things, and off to school. Managed to sneak about 2 hours of sleep (on the train and in a study room) before class began. Drinking loads of coffee (black!). I'm surprised I could still pay attention in class, and really understood what the professors were talking about!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, October 29, 2006 @ 7:59 pm

Dear Blogger,

How I long to be kissed. I want to melt in a man's embrace. I want to go weak on my knees with his every touch. How I desire sincere intimacy. I want to explode in an intense orgasm!

Sigh. I've watched too many movies and read too many books. How often does romance happen to our fair being? Does romance exist in the first place? Was romance some tortured soul's imaginative creation?If romance is real, why doesn't it happen to me? Who killed romance???

Ever since I was 16, I've always daydreamt that I was in some kind of a marathon drama serial. I'm the awkward lead character who's life's adventures started when she met a dashing young expat from good ole Holland.

He's a genius. A prodigy if you like, who was slapped with a 10-year probation when he hacked into the Wall Street and crashed it, at a tender age of 8. He had earned several degrees in some of the world's most prestigious universities by the time he was 20. He was trained in medicine, law, psychology, economics, among others. Although, he never practised them.

He's a linguist. He is fluent in several major languages, including Mandarin, Arabic and Bahasa Indonesia (his late grandfather was an Admiral of the Royal Dutch Navy in Dutch-ruled Indonesia). Not only can he speak these languages, he can read and write them too!

When he picked up these languages, it was out of pure business reasons. He may have had an outstanding academic record, but he believed nothing beats learning what the world has to offer. So he made himself into a globetrekker.

He came from a distinguished Dutch blue-blood family. When he turned 21, he inherited his family's title, and Count was officially added to his already long name. His mother is the current Countess. His father is a practical, hardworking commoner. He is now the Global GM of Visa International.

They divorced when he was 4 years old, but it was an amicable divorce. He and his only older sister has enjoyed good relationships with their divorced parents, getting the best of both royal and common worlds.
He knew his parents still share an intense love for each other. It's just that both are as different as day and night! His father is a loving, down to earth kind of guy. Someone you would bring home to meet your parents and they will love you for it!

His mom may be royal, but she was once an enfant terrible. She is independent, opiniated and wildly creative. She's a much sought-after photographer who made her mark in fashion. Now, she prefers to photoqraph documentary-style works.

She's a bisexual, something that her son had difficulty understanding when he was growing up. She has been romantically involved with women ever since the divorce. She does indulge in men once in awhile, but they're uncomparable to the man she once married.

His older sister is much like his mother. Strong, independent and gorgeous! She is always fashionably dressed, and she never fails to attract attention wherever she goes. She was a wild child who partied harder than Paris Hilton. She cleaned up really well when she became an unwed mother at 17. The father was a much older, well-known club dj and producer. He's a responsible father too.

Count X has a best friend who featured prominently in my drama serial. He's a rich Italian ladykiller. They met in boarding school a long time ago, and remained best friends. They have an unwritten code of best friends which includes something about hitting on each other's woman.

These are the characters in my drama serial. They seemed defined because I've had 10 years to develop them! Call it escapism or whatever, but I guess these characters have helped kept me sane all this while.

Last night, I chanced upon my sister's blogs. Managed to skim through her entries. What can I say? She's entitled to her opinions, just like how I am entitled to mine. Her entries were mostly based on her feelings at that point in time, such as about the big fight we had 2 weeks ago.

She thinks of me as a club-happy and men-crazy woman. That's alright. She does not see my daily struggles. She has had it easy all her life. She was not beaten up crazy like how her brothers and I were.

Daddy's favourite punishment tool of choice was the rubber hose. Even now, I could feel the stinging pain of the rubber hose on my skin. Even with all that physical abuse, my brothers and I refused to yield or yelled out in pain. We never shouted obscenities at them.

We learnt to channel our anger elsewhere. One took up silat. The other went on dates with airheads. I immersed myself in books. Of course these days, I lose myself in drinks and sex.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, October 27, 2006 @ 11:00 pm

Dear Blogger,

I don't have much time. I've to force myself to sleep, latest by 11.15 pm. I didn't sleep last night. One more night like that and I'm very sure I'll have a nervous breakdown. It wasn't that I didn't want to sleep. I intended to! But one technological mishap led to another, and you know I won't rest till the problem is fixed!

I received quite a disturbing email earlier. Usually, if I don't know who the sender is, I'd junked it. Don't you just hate spam??? Anyway, I didn't junk the email. I didn't even delete it. I opened it, and guess what? It's from a creeper! I'm hesitant to call the sender a psycho. I'll use that label after I have enough evidence to call him that.

I receive fan mails every now and then, but nothing like this one before! There is always a first time, isn't it? What was creepy about it was his declaration of "love" for me. Well, not ME exactly. He's in "love" with my "intelligence". That's not creepy enough? How about "dreamt of making love with me several times"? Shivers!

I'm sure he's reading this. If you're going to use a subject header like "My sincere regards to you...", then for god's sake, do leave your name behind! Don't sign off with a nick nor a tacky identification like "Your admirer"! Where's the sincerity in that???

Also, if you're going to spill the beans, be a gentleman and ask for a meeting! Coffee would be nice. I'm gracious enough to appreciate the effort a person has put in to express him/herself. Besides, I'm dead curious! I'm too proud to ask a guy out. I believe that a girl should never call nor ask a guy out, first. Haha! What's a modern gurl doing to believe in something so conservative as that???

Perhaps, he's shy. Perhaps he IS a psycho! Perhaps I'm being Punk'd! Who knows?! But he does. If he's really sincere, he'll save me from the sleepless nights by revealing himself. If he's not, I hope he had a good laugh. For some reason, I've a feeling he's married with 3 kids. A little stocky and hairy. A civil servant. Nevertheless, I give him credit for the eye-opener in my inbox today.

BEDTIME!!!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, October 26, 2006 @ 6:43 pm

Dear Blogger,

My penis-free diet is starting to drive me crazy! Now I know why men go nuts (no pun intended!) when they don't get their load off every few days! I am easily distracted, unfocused and grouchy now. This is definitely NOT PMS! Do you know what's so frustrating? The guys I thought of doing it with were simply not interested!

But you know what? After seriously thinking about it, it doesn't matter. I may be going crazy, but this is just a phase. It will pass. My body just isn't used to being celibate for over 6 weeks. It needs a few more weeks of training, and then it will forget that it ever needs sex to produce the necessary endorphines.

Besides, I'll be going back to my gym routine. The fasting month has rudely interrupted my gym routine. My almost toned limbs have turned flabby. My energy level has gone significantly low. And the expected weight loss over the fasting month did not materialise! My weight is stable but it didn't go down like it should.

If only I have an exercise buddy. I've known too many girls who have gone on fad diets, but did not exercise regularly. I remembered I used to work the weight machines every lunch time, and swim every weekend. I can't afford that much time anymore. I'd love to go back to swimming though. If only I can find the swimming pool in school.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, October 25, 2006 @ 10:19 am

Dear Blogger,

Double cheeseburger has never tasted this good! When the world feels like it's closing in on you, a little indulgence in thigh-fattening comfort food is heavenly. How does MacDonald's do it? It's just 2 pieces of bread (not even with sesame!), 2 patties of processed meat, 2 slices of processed cheese and a couple of pickles! It doesn't taste the same when I make it at home.

Aidilfitri has come and gone, and it confirms that it is just like any other day. Spent the morning at home, clearing emails and scheduling when to do my portion of my projects. In the afternoon, went off to work. Didn't see many families in their group outfits on the streets. So you see, I should be forgiven for not realising that yesterday WAS Hari Raya!

Do I plan to go visiting anytime soon? Don't think so. It didn't even cross my mind. I'd be too busy to do so anyway. If anyone hadn't noticed, I've gone low-profile this year. I've had enough of socialising and putting up faces. So what if I turn people off??? At least I've the balls to be honest. Can't say the same about the men here. I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!! You hear me???

Business was slow last night. Didn't make any sales at all! So I decided to knock off early. Pointless to waste my precious time like that. Besides, I was exhausted! I've been having frequent headaches too. Paracetemol is like my best friend now. I've to be careful not to take too much of it. Don't want my blood stream to get used to it.

Talking about being careful, I really have to be more careful with my knitting. My wrap was already halfway done when I realised I missed a stitch in some middle row somewhere. Being Miss Perfectionist (I proudly admit that I am anal-retentive!), I tried to correct it. Guess what? I ended pulling all the stitches off and restarting from beginning! If knitting has taught me anything, it sure as hell is patience! Heartbreaking, yes. But to be more positive, it was a chance to start something new. A little like life isn't it?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, October 23, 2006 @ 11:51 pm

Dear Blogger,

Do you know how much I despise men? Do you??? I know I shouldn't generalise things, but why oh why do I always get myself involved with men who use me as they please? Why do I even allow them to do so??? Is there something wrong with me??? I think there's really something wrong with me.

This year, I was given hope that finally, after so many years, I would have someone special to celebrate Hari Raya Aidilfitri with. Why did I allow myself to believe in such a crazy thing like that??? I really wish I knew the answer! I knew from the very beginning, when the guy who had given you hope shares the birthday as the guy who broke your heart into million pieces, I should NEVER get myself involved with him!

How cruel fate is right? Cruel! Cruel! Cruel! I just wish that I am not so in touch with my emotions! I wish I am as cold as the men who used me! I wish I could just focus on my studies and nothing else! I wish these men would wake up one day with their penises missing!

While almost every Muslim here spent his last Ramadan with family at home or at Geylang Serai/Kampung Glam, I spent my time in a dingy pub somewhere in town, drinking and smoking myself silly. That's how pathetic I am. That's how "exciting" my life is.

I am so tempted to join one of those dating agencies or go on one of those speed dating events. I'll strike off local Malay men in my preferences. NO MORE LOCAL MALAY MEN!!! I am also tempted to post one of those cheesy personal ads somewhere. "Loser desperately seeking clueless male to marry before she turns 30." How's that for an ad?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, October 22, 2006 @ 11:56 pm

Dear Blogger,

If you come across a 14 year old girl from Springfield Secondary School who's in the military band, and she looks Chinese, tell her to grow up! Tell her that she may be having puberty, but that doesn't give her every right to piss everyone off! It also doesn't give her any power to physically abuse her elders!

I don't know if it's really puberty or PMS, but she was really too much! The last few times this happened, I had to be the peacemaker. Now, she fought with me! At least, I had the decency to stop retaliating when my mother got involved.

But she went on and on, and my brother got involved too. It became a brawl and I couldn't do anything about it. Actually... I didn't want to do anything about it. I was too angry and upset by her insults and disrespect. She didn't even stop when daddy came over to watch. Daddy in his wheelchair and amputated leg. She deserved to be beaten up!

I'm still nursing a bruised head because of last night's lunacy. I can feel a lump on my head. I don't know if I should go see a doctor about it. I may get a concussion later. With a sick feeling, I'm actually looking forward to a concussion. The stay in a hospital would be a nice "holiday" for me.

I'm nursing an even more bruised heart because firstly, I feel like a failure as an elder sister, and secondly, Idy didn't care one bit that I was injured. I didn't know who to lament my woes to at 3 in the bloody morning, so I text him. His only reply was, "Take care". If that isn't a jerk, I don't know what is.

As with my conscious practice, I had to look at it positively. At least, I didn't contact Din. Didn't even think of that SOB! That's good isn't it? That means he's finally out of my life. Now, what am I going to do about Idy? I want him out of my mind completely! I want him to feel wretched too! But the sweetness of vengeance is only temporary.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, October 20, 2006 @ 10:09 pm

Dear Blogger,

Do you know what service from the heart means? It is when you go beyond selling just another product or service. It is when you look at customers, not just as customers, but as friends. It is when you develop a relationship with them. It is when their appreciation of your services matters more than the sale you make.

It is not often that you meet customers who appreciate what you do. I guess our service culture is partially to be blamed for that. Partially because I think ugly Singaporeans should share the blame too. I actually enjoy working in the service industry, believe it or not. It's the easiest, and hardest job to do. Easiest because you don't need specific professional skills to do it. Hardest because you're dealing with people.

I'd like to believe that for every sale I make, I sold an experience. I've also learnt that karma does exist. Because my rendering a good service today had resulted in me receiving a similar good service later on in the evening.

I was lost in Clarke Quay station you see. I was on my way to Orchard Road. How I can be possibly be lost in Clarke Quay is still beyond me. Anyway, the controller at the station was so helpful that I kept reminding myself to send him a thank you card. Few people send thank you cards these days. I think we should all start sending thank you cards instead of complaint letters.

I went for a manicure too. My counselor said I should do something for myself. Anyway, I left with not just a manicure, but a cultural information exchange as well. But my manicure didn't last an hour. It got chipped when I was fiddling for my purse. I couldn't stand ruined polish, so I had them removed. Pity though. It was such a sweet colour!

Along the way home, I came across a youth church group busking in front of Borders. Can't remember the girl who stopped me on my tracks, but I had a pleasant conversation about what her group was trying to do. I thought it was neat that they were using music to spread their messages.

These were the events that really made my day. The world seemed alright now, although, I wish I had more time (and money) to buy a new pair of shoes. That would really make me forget my penis-free diet! Oh yes. I have been a "vegetarian" for over a month now. Tragic? For whom?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, October 18, 2006 @ 8:14 am

Dear Blogger,

My counselor said I have to think about who I really am for the next few weeks. I have to think about another question too, but I've forgotten what it is. How did I come about having to be with a counselor? Afterall, I had not sat in a counselor's office since 2004.

I had a breakdown yesterday right after class. The tears just poured out, and it wouldn't stop. Usually, I'd just lock myself up in the corner cubicle of the girls' room. But this time round, I felt claustrophobic in the cubicle. I didn't want the other girls to know that one of their schoolmate was crying uncontrollably.

I walked from the School of Information Systems to the Peer Wellness Office, and back again. Finally I walked out of the damn campus, and my legs led me to my counselor's office. I was still crying while walking along the busy streets of Bras Basah. Did anybody stop me and ask? Of course not! It's Singabloodypore!

My counselor saw my bloody red eyes and immediately led me to a counseling room, where I was allowed to bawl as long as I wanted to. And I did! For almost 2 hours! By the time I was able to calm myself down, I was exhausted. I wanted to sleep. Of course I can't sleep can I? I have tuition afterwards, and it would not be acceptable to postpone it last minute. There I go again. Putting others' needs before my own.

When my counselor finally got me to talk, I rambled imcomprehensibly why or what made me cry so much. Like I know the answer. He came to the conclusion that I might have the Pygmalion effect or Rosenthal effect.

According to Wikipedia, the Pygmalion effect (or Rosenthal effect) refers to situations in which students perform better than other students simply because they are expected to do so. Robert Rosenthal and Lenore Jacobson (1968/1992) report and discuss the Pygmalion effect at length. In their study, they showed that if teachers were led to expect enhanced performance from some children, then the children did indeed show that enhancement. In some cases such improvement was about twice that shown by other children in the same class.

I don't know how he came to that conclusion. I haven't been performing better have I? I think his point was, because the teaching staff didn't necessarily know that I was a mature student, they thought that I was probably gifted with all those ideas and views I've been giving in class. So, they expected me to perform better than the rest of the students.

However, because I was working with younger and not-yet-out-into-the-world students, I was pulled down to meet their level. It wasn't just them. There were my family, my relationship with the guys here, the Singapore and Malay society to name a few. These external factors contributed to me not being able to realise my full potential.

Thank god the counseling service is FOC. I don't need to pay a psychiatrist to tell me that now do I? So back to my assignment. Who am I???

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, October 17, 2006 @ 10:56 am

Dear Blogger,

I almost forgot how horrible school can be, and now, it's coming back to me really hard. I don't mind all the projects, assignments, lectures, etc. Students complain day in day out about their workload. But seriously, what else do they have to worry about???

Do they have to pay their own school fees? Do they worry whether their homes will be taken away? Heck! What do I know right? I don't know them outside of school. I don't know them when they're IN school! Some students here even think I'm one of the staff!

I feel so discriminated and isolated. It's a very lonely feeling. Of course people have always asked me how can I be alone when there are several thousand students in the campus. I guess these same people are not even listening to what I've said.

Often, people thought they're listening, but in fact, they are just hearing. Listening is more than the sounds that enter through our ear lobes. Listening is active work. It involves all the other senses. I find it very annoying when a person is not looking at me or fidgeting when I'm talking. It's simply rude!

I've put up with it for almost 3 years. What's another year right? My grades are slipping faster than my savings account. What's the big deal right? It's a dog eat dog world, even under the sheltered roofs of SMU. I hate it here! I really do! But it's just my feelings. Who cares about my feelings right?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, October 16, 2006 @ 5:32 am

Dear Blogger,

Today's quote was "I love you not only for what you are, but because of who I am when I am with you". Isn't that beautiful? That sounds so much better than Jack Nicholson's "You make me want to be a better man" from "As Good As It Gets".

Here's the full poem from Roy Croft. Read this as if the guy who was blind to your love finally realised, that you were the one who had trully loved him. He confessed his foolishness in the middle of the night, in the pouring rain, outside your bedroom window. It would help if you were living in the lower floors.

Sigh... I think I've watched too many movies already... Nevertheless, how could any red, hot-blooded female not swoon to a confession like that???

Note: Ignore the last line. Change it to "lover" or some other romantic terms.

I love you,
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.

I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.

I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out;
I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can't help

Dimly seeing there,
And for drawing out
Into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find.

I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple;
Out of the works
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.

I love you
Because you have done
More than any creed
Could have done
To make me good
And more than any fate
Could have done
To make me happy.

You have done it
Without a touch,
Without a word,
Without a sign.

You have done it
By being yourself.
Perhaps that is what
Being a friend means,
After all.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, October 15, 2006 @ 9:49 am

Dear Blogger,

I watched the highly-awaited Martin Scorsese-helmed remake of the Hong Kong movie, "Infernal Affairs", last night. It was of course, "The Departed". I thought "Infernal Affairs" sounded cooler as a title than "The Departed". I had not watched "Infernal Affairs", so I can't really make any comparisons.

Considering that I had not watch the original, "The Departed" seemed like an alright movie. It delivered what I had expected of a Scorsese movie, except for a younger cast. I was kind of tired of the de Niro-Scorsese pairing. It was refreshing to watch both Leonardo Dicaprio and Matt Damon on screen in a Scorsese film.

The lead actors were alright. I thought Dicaprio's character had more meat, although I wish he'd been a little happier in the movie now and then. No need to look moody for the whole 2 1/2 hours. I kept thinking that his character was so typical Tony Leung.

I think the one who stole the show was, no, it wasn't fuck-crazy, demented Jack Nicholson. It was, unexpectedly, Mark Wahlberg. You just have to watch him in this movie to know what I'm talking about. I grew up with him rapping in his cK briefs about walking on the wild side. Look how he turned out now!

At least, for the 2 1/2 hours, I had forgotten the existence of reality. No Idy. No Din. No Daddy. No family. No school. No work. Just me and Dicaprio, Damon and Wahlberg. Sometimes I think celluloid men are so much better than real men.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, October 13, 2006 @ 2:02 am

Dear Blogger,

It was a night with another wake up call. I was to meet a potential client for a school project I was doing. Since the scope of the project was on "entertainment", I tolerated the request to meet at an ungodly hour of 11.30pm at Boat Quay. Besides, I was quite desperate for a client. It did not matter that it had been a very long day, and I was exhausted. All that mattered to me was that I secured a business partnership so I could start working on my project.

It was 11.30pm, and he wasn't there as agreed. I called him. He thought I didn't want up to meet up that late. I didn't mind waiting, but I suggested meeting at a cafe where it would be quiter to discuss business. He said we weren't going to discuss business. Excuse me???

Oh my god! He thought he could get fresh with me! I still don't know how he got that idea. I wasn't upset about the miscommunication. Neither was I upset about him wasting my time. I was terribly upset that he thought of me as such! That's the second person this week who has assumed that I was such a person!

For awhile after that, I didn't know if I really should be upset with these men or with myself. It was so devastating that I was crying hot tears on the cab ride home. I spent $18 of hard-earned money on the ride home! Thank god it was dark. I refuse to let anybody see me cry anymore!

How I despise men even more. Thank you Din. Thank you Idy. Thank you the rest of you men. It's already so hard for me not to belong anywhere, but for you guys to use me like that? I'm... speechless. Wasn't it Eurythmics who sang that people use people? Or was it Depeche Mode. Doesn't matter. Nothing I could do about it but force a smile on my face.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, October 11, 2006 @ 10:32 pm

Dear Blogger,

My knit wrap is coming into shape. That's because I've been knitting in train and bus rides. As usual, people will stare, but like I care one bit! You can do many useful things in all those hours in the trains and buses. So why not knit?

I reached home to find a new sofa set in the living room. I seriously disapprove my mother abusing daddy's Dependent Protection Scheme money. I really think that money should go fully to daddy's medication and rehabilitation.

Do we really need a sofa set, or a wardrobe set for that matter? I'm perfectly happy lounging on the floor. Afterall, we have plenty of carpets to keep our butts comfortable. Besides, it makes the room so much more spacious!

Even if she desperately thinks we do need a sofa set, can't she get a cheaper one? Must she get 100% leather upholstery that cost thousands of dollars? I don't even think the one she got is 100% leather. It looked cheap. But I'm very sure she paid thousands of dollars for it.

I haven't even gotten a new bed. In fact, I've been sleeping on the floor for a month now! Not that I'm complaining. I either tire myself out to sleep or don't sleep at all. I'm perfectly happy with my pillow and my teddy babies with me.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, October 10, 2006 @ 11:06 pm

Dear Blogger,

I was thinking why Idy had not called me at all. Why was I even thinking about it??? I am still the same person and doing the same thing with or without him. Thank goodness I wasn't madly in love in him. The break-up this time has not affected me much at all.

I was craving for chocolate chip cookies, but I still don't know why I didn't go out and buy it. I wanted to have chocolate chip cookies with milk. Oh no... I know what this is. It's coming! Damn! I was supposed to go to the doctor to get some OCP (Oral Contraceptive Pills). As usual, I kept hesitating to do so.

It's supposed to be the term break, but I'm not getting any break at all. That's the life of a student-worker I guess. I'm just afraid I'll burn out when it really matters i.e. exam time! The vitamin supplements and chicken of essence seemed to help, but I think the most effective help is sufficient sleep.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, October 09, 2006 @ 11:29 pm

Dear Blogger,

I've taken up knitting again. I don't know why. I guess I wanted to do something that will really take my time away. As if schoolwork, tuition and my new job haven't already done so. I wanted my time to be really occupied so that I don't have to think about my failure in the love department.

I'm knitting a knit wrap. Good for those cold hours in school. I don't understand why SMU campus has to be freaking cold. Was that one of the reasons why it raised its school fees so much? Looking at it positively, I can wear jackets, coats, scarfs and all those fabulous wear without looking silly.

Anyway, I started learning knitting when I was very young. I wanted to knit ever since I saw my grandmother did it. I asked her to teach me, but she didn't. My mother knows nothing about knitting. So I taught myself how to knit by borrowing books from the library.

Back then, the Internet was only available to the developers. Good books on knitting was scarce too, especially for a 10-year old. Also, the nearest library for me was several estates away. Since my family wasn't a library-going type (they still aren't), it wasn't often that I get to drag my mom to the library.

I haven't knitted in almost 15 years and I still haven't forgotten how. Amazing how the mind works, isn't it? If only my mind works wonders during exams too. I think it's about interests too. What do I like about knitting? I like the visual development of the product. The creative joy of watching a ball of yarn develop into something you can wear or use is just indescribable.

Same goes for baking too! I enjoy baking! Too bad my conventional oven doesn't work anymore. By this time, I would have baked cookies and cakes already. I guess I do things better when I know how the end product will look like.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, October 08, 2006 @ 11:32 pm

Dear Blogger,

Work was slow today. Hardly any paying customers. Only what we call, local sightseers. They're curious to find out what the big fuss over Singapore's biggest mall is about. Can't blame them. Singaporeans are known to be gawkers. Nothing exciting ever happens here, so a mall excites them.

Do we really need another mall? This particular mall is not even in town and the only residents in a 100m radious are expats in seaview condos. Based on the opening sales yesterday, most of the mall tenants made losses. No sales even! According to these retailers, zero sales on the opening day meant bad luck in the long run. So most of them buy their own product to avert the bad luck. It's retail superstition.

After blogging for almost 4 years, never had I blogged to entertain anyone. So I don't understand why some people think my writing is for their entertainment. I write about how I feel, see, hear, smell, taste and touch. Not for anyone else.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, October 07, 2006 @ 10:10 pm

Dear Blogger,
I've finally met up with Idy. It was merely 45 minutes. We met only because he fetched me from Geylang Serai and that he had to return my sleeping bag. Even his enthusiasm for my finally getting a job was as dull as the haze. That finally cracked me. I've given him enough excuses already for behaving the way he is.

So it's time I finally let go. I'm bitter of course, but in the long run, I think I'll respect myself more. I'll be able to proudly tell the whole world how I was strong enough to not let another man control me. Deep down, I still believe he's out there looking for me. He just got lost, that's all. Like most men, he decided to take the easy way out and go for the nearest girl instead.

As consolation, I'll treat myself to a tub of ice cream. I've been craving for ice cream for a week now. I bought gummy brownie last night, but it didn't give me any soul satisfaction. Eventually, I bought vegetables instead. Their healthier and cheaper. I needed the fibre anyway.

The trip to Geylang Serai was exhaustive. The bazaar seemed to have doubled in size. On one side, just next to Paya Lebar MRT station, was where the dry goods are i.e. clothes, accessories and home decor. The food stuffs, like Ramly burgers, dendeng (marinated jerkies) and snacks were across the street, separated by the biggest car park there.

It was exhaustive not just for its massive size. Most of the stalls were selling similar things. So once you've seen a particular product, you've seen them all. Also, the crowd and the indoor heat just made it worse. That, plus the haze, which its PSI (Pollution Standard Index) was last found to be 126.

I had to jostle my way out against these people; extended families with smart aleck teens, young families with babies in prams, wayward kids who think talking in vulgarieties and laughing really loud was cool, and the unmistakeable "mats and minahs" as well as "mat motors" with their skanks. I shall never go out again.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, October 05, 2006 @ 9:32 am

Dear Blogger,

It must be the SMU culture to act out skits when presenting their work. I have nothing against that. There's entertainment value in that. What I have issue with is why oh why must these "actors" use Singlish as their de facto acting language?

When done well, i.e. natural-sounding, it can be very entertaining. But most of us are not actors are we? We're not even skilled presenters, yet. So, most of the time, these skits turned out very rehearsed, i.e. fake! It's like listening to nails running down the chalk board!

Bloggers have been in the news often these days for all the wrong reasons. The latest was, "Blogs hit by libel suits". Libel suits here and there because some blog readers couldn't tolerate the comments written about them.

I feel for the blogger who wrote about the guy who sued him. He wrote how he felt about a certain situation for all the world to see. This opened doors for people from all walks of life to comment, perhaps by sharing similar experiences or offering solutions to the problem.

As a blogger myself, I believe that's the beauty of blogging! It's about sharing information so MOST people out there can learn something. I said most because the world is a balance of yin and yang. With every good person, there's a troublemaker out there to mess things up.

If the lawmakers decide to be very strict with bloggers, what left is there for us to blog??? Don't take away our right to express how we feel. Instead, try to locate and understand the root cause (or causes). Send us for therapy if need be. Taking away our money or even jail term are just short-term solutions given out by lazy people.

In this article, the guy won, but has the blogger lost? I don't think so. The guy may be richer, but what has that done to his reputation as a person? I believe something doesn't appear out of nothing, unless you're God. So this guy must have done something to the blogger to make the latter rant about him in his blogs.

Of course, there another side to the coin. I agree that some bloggers abuse the power that blogs have handed to them. These people should listen to Spiderman, "With great power, comes great responsibility".

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, October 04, 2006 @ 5:37 pm

Dear Blogger,

I managed to scrape through my take home quiz and arrive in class just in time, a minute early to be exact. Never will I leave things to the last minute again! I woke up at 4 a.m. and started working on it till 11 a.m. By then, it'll be too late for me to take the train to school. I hadn't even showered yet!

I could say, "I wish I had more time", but that would just be an excuse for me to feel good about myself. I HAD time! The quiz was given to me a week ago! So I should not have any excuse to say, "I wish I had more time".

Although, I would like to say that I wish there was more of me. You know how in that movie, "Multiplicity", Michael Keaton had himself cloned several times so he could do more things concurrently. Of course, it turned out to be a disaster, but it was a neat idea anyway.

I've been wanting to have ice cream for several days now. Not just any ice cream. I want Ben & Jerry's or Haagen Dazs. I would like to have one of those specialty sundaes, not those store-bought tub ones. I know I have expensive tastes. I have to work on that.

I've been wanting to go to Geylang Serai too, but no mates. Idy is really like visible in text, rather than in person, or even in voice. He is so not knowing what he's missing! I don't care if he even exist anymore. I don't want to waste my time on him anymore.

It's funny how my scale and my clothes are telling me different stories. I can't wear my hipsters now without them slipping way below my hips. When I first bought them, they fit just nice on my hips. But now, I look like an urban ghetto wannabe gone wrong.

But when I step on the scale, the needle has not gone below a certain number for almost a year now. Maybe it's a perception thing. A mental thing. If I keep thinking myself slim, then I'll BE slim. You know how some people can think themselves out of eating and they don't feel hungry afterwards? Similar concept.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, October 02, 2006 @ 1:11 pm

Dear Blogger,

It's a brand new day in a brand new month. It's already October and that means, it's both holiday shopping season and exam season. Great! More stress! Stress for not being able to enjoy the sales and stress for trying to raise my GPA this semester.

I am struggling with one of my modules. It's something about operations management and I'm struggling because it's statistics-heavy. Despite earning a specialist diploma in statistics, I horrible suck at this subject! I don't see why I have to learn statistics. It's good to know, but seriously, what are statisticians for right?

Some may say that statistics is maths, and don't I like maths? Yes I do! But I enjoy calculus and arithmetics! Not probability theories! I don't care about the probability rate of a coin facing head or tail first. I don't care about my chances in playing cards. Obviously I won't be applying for a job in the IRs anytime at all.

Daddy is coming home. That's great news! I can't remember the last time he was home. At the same time, I worry about how he is going to cope at home. How everyone is going to cope with him at home. It took us quite some time to get used to him not being around. Now, we have to readjust again to him being around!

This is heavy responsibility you know. I don't think I can handle it. I can't even manage my own pathetic life!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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