modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Saturday, September 30, 2006 @ 11:18 pm

Dear Blogger,

I was listening to Belinda Carlisle's "Vision Of You" on radio this afternoon, and subconsciously, I repeatedly told myself that someday, I will meet someone who is madly in love. Someone who is patient with all my nonsence. Someone who shares my dreams and ambitions. Now why did I do that?

Idy called me today, but I was busy with a school project. He called me again in the evening, and I gave him monosyllabic answers. When I called him back hours later, he was still busy at work. It was almost midnight! Why was he still busy working???

Why am I even obsessed about this? I have 3 mid-term papers to sit for next week! I have a presentation next week! I have 2 assignment papers to submit next week! I CAN'T DO THIS!!! I CAN'T HANDLE THE PRESSURE!!! I need sex! NO!!! I need to focus.

I miss Paris. There's just something about the city that makes me feel beautiful and lovely. I don't feel that here. I tried and tried but that something is missing here. The people here can be really horrible. I have been a horrible person at times too. That's why I hate myself a lot of times.

I wish I can be more focus. I wish I can be more hardworking. I wish I can be more determined. I wish! I wish! I wish! This is so frustrating!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Friday, September 29, 2006 @ 6:02 pm

Dear Blogger,

Where has my Friday gone? Time flies so fast when you have things to do. Went to a job briefing this morning, but I didn't stay for the interview. It was obvious that the job I hoped to be getting wasn't meant for "weekends only part-timers". Plus, at only $5 per hour, the company was sure asking for much. Considering that it is a very well-known Singapore icon, its HR policies were pretty draconian.

Went to town to collect my wireless broadband router and adapter. Ended up with a brand new HP photo printer as well. It was a steal! I couldn't resist! It was only $99! Mind you, I was carrying all these gadgets and walking in my stilletos.

Spent several hours getting it all together. Got my wireless LAN running. Got my printer connected. Got my digital voice connection running. That's FREE unlimited incoming and outgoing calls!!! Hmm... won't make any difference to me now, will it? Nobody to call or be called for.

Now what I need is a job, and a decent boyfriend who's crazy about me, if that's possible. Idy and I are in a time out phase. We're both giving each other the silent treatment. Childish? Yeah. But he's Peter Pan, and I'm tired of these silly games.

One of my former volunteer mates is getting married. A little surprised because she was barely in her 20s when we met 3 years ago. She's probably getting married to her first boyfriend. Lucky her. Taste of bitterness there? That's right. But it's someone else's happiness. Who am I to rain on her parade??? You go girl!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Wednesday, September 27, 2006 @ 11:24 pm

Dear Blogger,

I am so beat! The last 4 days of fasting hasn't been kind to me. I can live without food for the whole day, but because I'm not getting any glucose in my blood stream, I've been hit by headaches and even migraines on a daily basis! This is not good especially when you have to process lots of information daily.

I am paying more attention to my health lately by supplementing my daily diet with vitamin and minerals tablets. I've even taken to drinking essence of chicken to boost my brain power. Strangely, the more I take these supplements, the more sickly I've become!

I haven't really smoked nor drink. I've been tempted, but I didn't feel the urge to do so. Idy should be pleased that I had not succumbed to these temptations. He has been discouraging me on a regular basis these days.

Then again, why should I conform to his idea of a good person? Why should I conform to anybody's definition of a good person? I've just read a book about everyday gifted people. It says that there are more gifted people than what the statistics have shown. That's because, society has a narrowed view of what a gifted person should be. Or more exactly, what a gifted person should do.

Anyway, what has gifted people got to do with me? Because I am one! In society's eyes, I'm not gifted because I have not produced any outstanding product yet. Products like stellar academic performances and professional activities.

I've learned that I AM gifted because
(a) I find conformity an obstruction to creativity,
(b) I am able to print my thoughts as eloquently as possible,
(c) I am able to see things in different perspectives, and
(d) I am anal-retentive (oh yes I am!).

To use the metaphor discussed in the book, I am like the ugly duckling who doesn't realise she's a swan because people keep telling her that she's a duckling and should be a duckling since I happened to be born into a duck's nest, instead of a swan.

I think only Daddy has ever said that I was gifted. But, like all others, he made mistakes by always telling me to conform to society's standards and expectations. How ironic considering that he never failed to remind how that other kid (usually Chinese) was always so much better than me.

So if I know someone who lives fast, I shouldn't tell him to slow down. I should catch up with him. If I know someone who prefers to be the starving life of an artist instead of a regular but boring salaryman, I shouldn't tell him to be practical. I should admire his passion for doing what he loves. If I know someone who always bring out the child in him (most guys I know!), I shouldn't tell him to grow up. I should try to be his mother.

Anyway, this gifted woman has to manage her delicate schedule now because she has 4 mid-term papers to sit for and several deliverables to submit next week (some are overdue)! On top of that, she has to secure a job fast! She needs a regular income!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Monday, September 25, 2006 @ 1:31 pm

Dear Blogger,

Idy annoys the hell out of me these days. I can't stand to be with him anymore! He is such a typical Leo! What's even scarier is that he IS a carbon copy of Din! What is it with guys? They are so sugar and spice during the chase, and when they got the girl, it's all about the cold shoulder.

Previous attempts to break up with him have proven unsuccessful and embarrassing. I always end up grovelling for him to return. Why is breaking up so much harder for me??? I see guys and girls younger than me going in and out of relationships like professionals. Why can't I do the same???

School isn't going great either. I mean, I like the learning and studying, but I hate the people who makes up the school! They make me feel like I don't belong in school. Like perhaps I was too old for school! This self-doubt in me is taking a toll on my sanity. I know I should believe in myself, but I am just one person against so many others.

The girls have their best friends. The guys have their buddies. Even the nerds have their own social community! It's just like junior college all over again! I hate my 3 months stint in junior college! In fact, I hate it so much, I don't remember much about it!

I would love to have a best friend. I would love to have a study buddy. I would love to fit in! Is that too much to ask???

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Wednesday, September 20, 2006 @ 11:57 pm

Dear Blogger,

Ramadan is coming, and suddenly people whom I've had premarital sex with or/and drink beers and liquors with, have turned religious on me. How hypocritical!

These are not people who have turned to God for good. These are people who, every once a year, claimed to have turned a new leaf. However what they call themselves, a hypocrite is still a hypocrite.

Ramadan is a special month, no doubt about it. But you really have to ask, why is it special? Is it special because people say it is? Or is it special because you make it special? I'd like to believe that it's special because it's not about anybody else. It's about me and only me.

I won't be fasting because of the battles fought centuries ago. I won't be fasting because of the hungry people in the developing countries. I won't even be fasting because it's one of the five pillars of Islam!

I will be fasting because, when stripped of food, water, sex and all those other sins, I will be left with my own mental battles. The naked me if I can say so myself. That's when I will really get to know myself, and define myself. How I define myself may not always be acceptable to society, but at least, I will be true to myself. Flaws and all.

I don't look forward to Aidilfitri. Never had fond memories of it. I don't look forward to the bazaar either. I think the meaning of Ramadan is often lost in these Aidilfitri celebrations.

Will I touch raw nerves with these thoughts of Ramadan? It most definitely will. Am I afraid of the backlash? I'd be foolish to say no, but if I'm not honest with myself, I've lost half the battle already!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Tuesday, September 19, 2006 @ 10:47 am

Dear Blogger,

I seem to be in a poetry writing mood lately. What better way to express depression than in writing?

When I'm Gone

When I'm gone,
Will the world be a happier place?
Will the sun shine brighter?
Will there be a smile on your face?

When I'm gone,
Will the hungry be fed?
Will the rain fall on the deserts?
Will no more tears be shed?

When I'm gone,
Will the poorer be richer?
Will the wars end?
Will this be the end of the preacher?

When I'm gone,
Will the roses smell sweeter?
Will there be more rainbows?
Will medicine taste any less bitter?

When I'm gone,
Will there be more laughter?
Will nobody cry?
Will you live happily ever after?

When I'm gone,
Will anyone miss me?
Will anyone notice my absence?
Will I finally be free?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Monday, September 18, 2006 @ 11:23 am

Dear Blogger,

Why am I still awake? Am I still awake? Everything is a blur now. I remembered walking from Sentosa to Clarke Quay, and that was a Saturday night. Now it's Monday morning. What happened on Sunday?

I sort of remembered having a buffet of pills. I couldn't be sure but I saw empty medication bottles and plastic bags when I opened my eyes this morning. I must have overdosed again, and skipped a day.

Did anyone notice? I doubt so. They probably thought I was just asleep. A lazy bum to be more exact. No one though I was trying to kill myself. How typical of them!

Don't talk to me. Don't recognise me. I am angry. I am very angry.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Saturday, September 16, 2006 @ 5:52 pm

Dear Blogger,

I wrote this... after what I found out about Din today...

The Boy Who Wouldn't Let Go

There was once a boy,
who fell in love with a girl.
He told her, "Your smile was,
like an angel, out of this world".

There was a girl,
who fell in love with a boy.
He was her first everything.
He was both her pain and joy.

Years go by, but
love was not enough.
He grew distant.
She tried to stay tough.

She had a baby.
He wanted it gone.
It's been years now,
but she still mourns for her unborn.

One fateful day, on the
morning of Aidilfitri.
He broke her heart forever,
for he was married,
but not to she.

She was angry, depressed,
and miserably hopeless.
She had no girlfriends, boyfriends, not even family!
So she grew, and grew,
lifeless.

Men came and gone in her
life of tragedies.
Yet, he still lingers, never going away.
It's a burden she silently carries.

He tells her lies after lies.
She always ignores him.
She hates herself so much,
because deep down, she still believes him.

She couldn't find love,
nor could she give love.
Her heart was too broken.
She believes that's what she deserves.

She thought her heart,
could possibly break no more.
How cruel life is!
For there was a baby girl,
One he had bore.

There was once a boy,
who fell in love with a girl.
He loved her so much,
that he wouldn't let her go,
away from his world.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Friday, September 15, 2006 @ 1:23 pm

Dear Blogger,

AAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!! FAT! FAT! FAT! The whole nation saw how FAT I was! I just don't get it! I'm really quite a photogenic person but whenever it comes to video, I look worse than when I'm in person!

I only managed to see a few seconds of myself on the news. I couldn't bear to look myself on screen anymore. What did I say? I remembered answering several questions. Did my name come out correctly? Oh boy! No regrets!

I am so going to watch my diet now! I am so going to double my time at the gym! I am so not going to have sex till I lose some weight! 15 kg to be exact! I blame Idy for this! It's all those late night dinners he's been taking me to! Serves him right then! He's not going get any from me till I lost 15 kg!

The protest today was so muted that it felt like there was no protest at all! I don't know how it will look on TV, but the demonstration area was so miserably small that the authorities might as well remove the damn thing! It was really pathetic!

Global city my arse! Where is the freedom of expression? Where is the freedom of speech? Where is the freedom to exchange ideas? Singapore deserves the criticisms she's been getting from IMF and World Bank Group.

At the end of the day, people will remember this meeting, not for its discussions, not for the hyped 4 million smiles, but for the stricter than thou security that Singapore had blindsidedly considered its top priority.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Thursday, September 14, 2006 @ 1:34 pm

Dear Blogger,

I think I'm mentally sick again. 5 minutes after I woke up, I was crying again. I really don't know what's happening to me. It's as if my past is back to haunt me. I can't escape from it. Sigh. I am so tired of feeling in the dumps.

Not even being sabotaged by my colleagues could cheer me up. They made me talked to the Channel News Asia reporter about what the hell were we volunteering for this bloody event for. I don't think the interview was shown on the news last night. I don't think my answers were news worthy enough or that I wasn't pretty enough to be on screen.

I can't stand being here. I feel like a caged animal here. I wanted to call it off but I've already made a committment to stay for the whole 10 days. As always, I've made myself stuck in a situation that I've regretted to be in in the first place. I'm such a loser.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Tuesday, September 12, 2006 @ 12:57 pm

Dear Blogger,

I couldn't stop crying again last night. I didn't know if it was because I was tired and in pain (my court shoes were killing me!) or because I was just frustrated with myself.

I was in tears as I left Suntec and all the way home on the train ride. I hate crying in public! I always had to wipe my tears away and pretend that dust had gotten into my eyes. Although, what I really wanted to do was to cry my eyes out.

On the train this morning, I saw my head getting blown off and my womb punctured. I've been having images like these ever since I started crying a few days ago. Do I need professional help?

I found it hard to smile today. The air seemed dense. I found myself gasping for oxygen. It didn't help that this goddamn convention centre was like a high-security prison!

What was the point of inviting people from all over the world and then stop them at the door because they were carryiing items deemed a national security threat like a water bottle! What's more, screen them whenever they enter your living room!

I don't want to live in a home that doesn't feel like a home. I don't want to be caged like an animal. I want to be free!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Monday, September 11, 2006 @ 4:24 pm

Dear Blogger,

Suntect Convention Centre has been turned into a fortress! On the first day of the IMF/World Bank Group Annual Meetings For The Board of Governors (that is a super long title!), there were more security officers than delegates! At the lobby alone, where the supposed protests by the Civil Service Organisations (CSO) were to take place, the men in blue covered the ground like a battlefield!

The real action doesn't start till Wednesday or Thursday. So there was nothing much to do today except try to make friends with the staffs and other volunteers, as well as, stare at the policemen. Oh boy! I still had a soft spot for these guys. It was a really boring day. I almost wished that somebody try to bomb the place or something.

With all these security guys around, I felt safe and threatened at the same time. Is Singapore paranoid? Yes! I think Singapore has a personality issue. On one hand, she wants to welcome the world with her 4 million smile. On the other hand, she guards herself like there's no tomorrow.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Sunday, September 10, 2006 @ 10:02 am

Dear Blogger,

I was watching "I Am Sam" last night when I started crying for no apparent reason. I cried and cried until the end of the movie. I have never cried while watching a movie before. Maybe I'm just getting too emotional as I grow older. Maybe I'm getting too sentimental. Maybe it was the medication that the doctor gave me. Or maybe it was just the movie itself.

Let's look at the subject matter. It's about a mentally-challenged father who lost custody of his 7-year old precocious daughter. Maybe the familiarity of losing a child touched a raw nerve in me. I can't believe I still haven't gotten over it! I thought I had dealt with it. I guess I still have much self-reflection to do.

Do you know what's worse when you cry uncontrollably? When there's nobody to give you a hug. At home, nobody ever cries. Everything is normal. Even when your face is red and bloated, it's no big deal. That's the family I was born into. A family of emotionally-challenged people.

I need to watch something else. Something to lift my spirits up. Perhaps, "The Devil Wears Prada"?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Saturday, September 09, 2006 @ 10:55 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm still sick. I went to the doctor again and this time, he gave me more medicine. He said I don't have flu. I had a serious cold instead. That means, I'm supposed to be at home resting instead of going out and about spreading the cold bug.

I wish I could just stay in bed the whole day, but I can't! There's just so much things to do! Badges and uniforms to collect. Projects to do. Meetings to attend. Homework to submit. Lots and lots of things to do!

I finally opened up communications with Idy after he apologised profusely. That didn't mean that everything was forgotten though. I only gave in because I'm sick.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Thursday, September 07, 2006 @ 10:08 am

Dear Blogger,

Can you feel it? Can you feel the hype? The global finance big-wigs are coming and Singapore is still cleaning up. I still haven't gotten my uniforms yet. I don't know when it'll be ready. I've to go to City Hall to get my pass done. Overall, I think the coordination SUCKS!!! There are too many parties involved and communication between these parties are not in sync!

On top of it all, Idy had gone to Malaysia without telling me! And here I thought if something bad had happened to him. What is so difficult about saying goodbye? A simple SMS will do right? He could say something like, "Hey babe, I've something urgent to do in Malaysia. Will be back in a few days." Was that so difficult???

I was angry with him that I indulged myself in a manicure and pedicure session. I could have had a pointless one-night stand, but I wouldn't feel good about myself would I? Anyway, now that he's back, I haven't replied his calls and messages. Why should I? He was disrespectful to me!

I'm having flu. So everything feels shitty to me. My patience is very thin. I'm highly short-tempered. The medication knocks me out cold instantaneously.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Saturday, September 02, 2006 @ 8:42 pm

Dear Blogger,

Today was the first day of the "Quality Service" training for the IMF & World Bank Meetings volunteers. This mega event is hosted by Singapore 2006. Singapore 2006 is really a vanity project by the government, disguised as a platform for business and networking opportunities for local businesses.

Anyway, today's training was about GEMS: Go the Extra Mile Service. We were told that the government is spending $4.4 million on improving the service standards in Singapore. That's a lot of taxpayers' money to tell everyone that service should be from the heart!

The way I see it, it just shows that most Singaporeans are spoilt brats who had come to expect things to go their way most of the time. It's the government's fault really! Our service standards would have been so much better if we're not a nanny state.

Just look at Hong Kong! The Hong Kongers were pretty notorious for its bad service but after the Asian Financial Crisis in 1997, they realised that if they don't do something about it, they're going to lose out big time! Afterall, they have China as their neighbour.

Today, Hong Kong's service has improved 10-20 times over. They were hungry but instead of getting to the government to give them fish, they learnt to fish themselves. If it's Singapore, we'd just wait for our government to tell us what to do and expect help to come through our mailboxes.

Back to the training. I think GEMS is a good initiative because for once, they don't advocate that customers are kings. Also, they acknowledge that customers play a part in developing good services. For every service training I've attended, I've always had a hard time keeping my cynicism down to a minimum. It's an Everest-like challenge to maintain a sincere smile when faced with unreasonable customers.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Friday, September 01, 2006 @ 8:54 pm

Dear Blogger,

Sometimes I wish I have a boyfriend who's a student too. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to discuss on school work or lecture topics? Wouldn't it be nice too if I could just hang with my boyfriend in school? Granted that I'm old enough to be a staff instead of a student, boyfriends from school are wishful thinking.

Idy is nice and all, but often times, I'm unable to get a good argument about certain topics from him. I can't talk to him about computing, accounting, business analysis, economics, etc. It's really lonely discussing topics like these on my own.

Let's face it! His educational background is very dodgy. He even refused to tell me which primary school he went to! I could sense that he felt inadequate whenever I opened my mouth to comment on something. As consciously sensitive as I am, it's really a challenge to be consistently numb when I'm with him.

It would be really refreshing to go on a date with someone whose education doesn't stop at diploma. I'm not looking down at people, but I feel discriminated too you know! Do you know how hurtful it feels when that person tells you things like, "I didn't go to school like you" or "I'm not smart like you"??? They made me feel guilty about wanting to be educated.

Oh hell. These people don't last in my lifetime. Friends, boyfriends and lovers come and go. But knowledge stays with you forever. I'm already setting my sights on a PhD. If Idy or whoever can't handle that, then I'm better off with someone else right?

The next few weeks are going to be exciting times for me. I've volunteered to be a venue host/assistant for the IMF/World Bank Conference. The university encouraged us to participate not just for the experience, but it'll look good in the resume. Even the President of the university has personally emailed all the teaching staff to excuse us volunteers!

Of course it's a big thing! But to be honest, what made me sign up for it was the $35 meal allowance per day incentive. I'm not too thrilled about having to run into Din during the event (the chances are extremely high!), but the incentive was good and I get to keep the uniforms: a grey jacket and skirt suit and 2 pink blouses. I'd probably get other goodies too.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

latest post  ::  newer post  ::  older post
archives

recent posts

LAYOUT BANNER COLORS MINIICONS