modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006 @ 10:39 pm

Dear Blogger,

I've just attended the launch of the SMU Women's Connection. It's a networking club just for women. I like to call such clubs the Girls' Club. It's about time we have one too! We have plenty of boys' clubs, yet the female population here outnumbers guys by 10%!

Most of the distinguished guests and speakers were women from the banking and finance industry. No surprises there! This IS afterall, a business management school! I'm always in awe of women who are or were at the top of the organisational hierarchy. Women who have made a difference to their lives as well as others are my motivators too!

Some of the living women I look up to in these modern times are Hillary Clinton, Carla Fiorina, Anita Roddick and Angelina Jolie (someone who can save the world, be a single parent to 2 adopted kids, marry Brad Pitt, gave birth and still look DAMN good is a compulsory source of inspiration!)

That's who I want to be! No... Not just Angelina Jolie. But a combination of all these women! I want to be up there and out there!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, August 28, 2006 @ 6:58 pm

Dear Blogger,

Still no jobs. I've sent out countless resumes to potential jobs and did follow-ups with them, but still no luck. My savings is seriously depleting and it wasn't much to begin with! Job-hunting is never easy. I think it's the second worse chore ever! The first is ironing. I'd rather wash the dishes, mop the floor or even clean the toilet!

What really pisses me off about job-hunting is the silence. After all those years of courtesy campaigns, somehow the courtesy lion mascot had missed spreading its messages to the companies. I think it's just plain, basic manners to respond to someone's application, either with a call or a note saying thank you. Some organisations have automated email replies but I thought that's better than nothing.

"Thank you for your application. We regret to inform you that only shortlisted candidates will be notified."

You know how some guys always tell you that they'll call, but they don't? Same with companies. "We'll call you" has become such a cliche that I swore, if any intevewer ever utter those words to me, I'd never work for the company. Who'd want to work with serial liars right?

By the way, I think Idy really likes me. I think he really, really likes me! It's either that or he really, really wants to get rid of me. Hmm...

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, August 26, 2006 @ 9:49 pm

Dear Blogger,

I'm finally at peace with Sentosa. I've officially tendered my resignation and sent a letter of feedback to the CEO. Whether or not he's going to throw my letter into the trash can, that's his problem. None of my superiors seemed to want to make my termination official for whatever reason. So, I'll make it official!

After a month of silence, the supervisor called for a meeting. I didn't reply till her second request. My plan was to just attend, listen and hand over the letter of resignation to the highest official in that meeting. I won't say anything negative about anyone in that meeting. I don't see any point in it.

I think everyone was surprised at the end of the meeting that I had come prepared with a sealed envelop (printed, not written!) and a paperbag with my uniforms (neatly folded, store-style. I think they expected me to walk out of the meeting room feeling angry or confused, not smiling and wishing them the best.

I'm not angry. I was, but I've other uses for my energy than feeling angry over their disrespect of me. Besides, I wrote to the CEO, didn't I? We'll know if I've stirred the hornet's nest in a few days time. If it doesn't, then, it won't bother me.

Idy and I spent the night together last night. It was the first time we were alone together. I didn't even remotely suggest it. He did. I was a little concerned when he suggested it. It's a big step and I didn't know what to make of it.

Things didn't go the way I had envisioned it. We broke up before we even got to our destination. I guess it was my fault. I had too much expectations of him. Or perhaps, misguided expectations. I wanted to be sure that whatever that was going to happen wasn't just a night of mindless sex. I wanted more.

With difficulty, I told him how I feel and what I would like to get out of this "relationship". It's not my fault that I've a life plan! I don't want to spend my valuable time and energy on someone or something if it doesn't contribute to my life plan. I've wasted 4 years of my time and sanity on Din, and that's a life-long lesson for me.

But you know what? It didn't matter. We made up and made out. It felt really wonderful to sleep with someone's protective arms around me. It has been a very long time since I've felt that way, and I want it again and again.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, August 22, 2006 @ 11:16 pm

Dear Blogger,

I'm starting to feel the exhaustion due to my incapability to sleep. My tardiness has improved but that's probably because I forced myself to hit the shower instead of the pillow when the clock struck 6!

These days, I'd rather spend my time elsewhere besides home. I'd spend hours (and money) at Macdonald's surfing for free. Where do you think I've been blogging all this while?

Or I'd be at the library (any library, but favourites would be library@Orchard and Central Library), voraciously stuffing my mind and imagination with books. So much so that I forked out $20 to be a premium member!

Now that the school semester has begun, I've spent my precious time after class at the school library or tutorial rooms, doing my homework or revising. Any other time available after that is spent visiting daddy at the hospital or making my relationship work with Idy.

At home, there's either no life there or a fight is going on. Like last night. My sister was being a troubled spoilt brat, but unlike previous times, I understood what she's going through. It's not easy being 14 and having a father in hospital for most of the year.

She's the closest to daddy and his absence has affected her a great deal. I didn't understand that before because I, as well as my brothers, grew up estranged from our father. Plus, she didn't have a regular pocket money like we used to have. It's not uncommon for her to go to school without any money at all.

She's gotten herself several boyfriends, whom I suspect had some of daddy's qualities about them. This is common of troubled females who find themselves without any father figure for long periods of time. Even I myself is guilty of that sometimes.

I don't think getting into relationships at that young age is healthy. But what can I do? She's my only sister and while everyone else is battering her down emotionally at home, she should know that she could turn to me for emotional support.

Gone are the days when I would use fists to get my points across to my brothers. I can't do that with my sister. Besides, I'm way too old and mature for that! I'd rather discuss her like the precocious young adult that she is. I don't know how effective this is because I'm not getting any support at home either.

It's a home where boys are preferred over girls and where my mom's affection is blinded towards the boys. Are we dysfunctional? I don't know. What does it mean to be in a dysfunctional family in the 21st century?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, August 21, 2006 @ 8:48 pm

Dear Blogger,

I really must do something about my sleeping problem. I was 45 minutes late to my first class of the semester! I couldn't sleep at all last night till 6 a.m! I kept tossing and turning. I walked in and out of my bedroom. I tried sleeping on the couch and even the floor! I still couldn't sleep!

I hope I'll knock out after this. I've even gone to the gym hoping that I could fall asleep soon instead of finally dozing off at sunrise. I worked longer than usual on the stairmaster. I carried more weights than usual. It was like I'm on speed or something!

I'm still wide awake though. Damn! What do I have to do to sleep??? Sex? I'm putting off sex till the weekends. MUST adhere to my time-table! MUST get As this semester! Study first, fun later!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, August 19, 2006 @ 10:32 pm

Dear Blogger,

Firstly, DXO at Esplanade is a crappy club! I have never been to a club where I had to queue to get a drink! I mean, literally queue! Like queuing for Hello Kittys or National Day Parade tickets! Considering that it was Ladies Nite on Fridays, you'd expect to have several bartenders serving the ladies. Oh no! Not DXO!

Ladies get the free flow at an isolated bar the size of my coffee table, served by a miserly bartender! By 10 p.m., the queue for drinks had extended all the way to the entrance/exit! If this was NTUC Club's idea for us to buy drinks instead, it worked!

Secondly, what gives the police the right to discredit a minor's claim to a potential assault BEFORE it was proven fallacious? My sister did what any terrified Singaporean would do when faced with a potential crime. She called 999! Afterall, that was what we were told to do everyday what with all these terrorist threats looming over us like the Grim Reaper.

But what did this inspector from Bedok HQ do? He blatantly accused her of lying and threated to charge her under that young people's curfew act! He did not just insult the "to serve and protect all" oath of the police force, he insulted my family too! How dare he insinuate that we were irresponsible people!

I gave him a dressing dowm till he didn't dare to look me in the eye. My sister just had a nutcase trying to attack her and this sorry excuse of a policeman thought she was making this all up??? Is my sister that desperate for attention to call such stunt? I don't think so!

Our men in blue are supposed to make us feel safe in this ever dangerous world. Instead, they make us live in doubt of ourselves. Who can we trust if the men tasked (and paid for by our taxes) to protect us don't even want to believe us?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, August 16, 2006 @ 11:08 pm

Dear Blogger,

I cried all the way home today because I was alone. I walked from Boat Quay to Chijmes, thinking that I could drown my sorrows at Liberte Wine Bar. But it was closed. I didn't know where else to go. So I cried some more.

I let my feet decide my fate, and they led me to the bus stop in front of SMU's Admin block. I boarded the bus that would take me home, and I cried some more. The tears didn't stop flowing till I reached my door.

It's not my fault that my family didn't care enough if I got home safe or not, or even at all! It's not my fault that I'm energetic, even till the darkest hours of the night! It's not my fault that I've problems sleeping! It's not my fault that I don't have work nor school in the morning!

Why have friends when they are never around for you? Why have friends who see you as someone convenient? Why have friends who think that the only reason you ask them out was because you're horny?

So I'm cutting off all forms of communication! Don't bother to check up on me! Save your SMSes and emails! I don't need friends like you! I don't need friends at all!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, August 15, 2006 @ 9:51 am

Dear Blogger,

I took a naked photo of myself in bed with my camera phone, out of boredom. Nothing hardcore. Just a pose reminiscent of nude art paintings. I may not have a flat tummy nor size D breasts. But I sure have the balls to photograph myself naked!

I must say, it didn't look too bad! The photo turned out better than I had expected! My breasts were full and perky. Signs that my menses would be coming very soon. My skin looked soft and milky, like I had just come out of a milk bath.

My smile was sweet and alluring, as if it was hiding a secret. What secret was it keeping I wonder? I wasn't looking at the camera. So I looked like I was longing for something, or someone. Ahh... A goddess captured in still film. A professional output from an amateur photographer. I'm good!

That wasn't the first time I've taken nude shots of myself. I've gone naked "live" on my webcam. Mostly when I was on video conference with my then-boyfriend. Who would have thought that I'd could make him come just by sucking my fingers??? Don't you just love technology?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, August 14, 2006 @ 11:43 am

Dear Blogger,

I am depressed. How do I know this? These are the tell-tale signs:
  • Constant boredom
  • Binge eating
  • Sleeplessness
  • Unawareness of conscious activities
  • Overindulgence on cigarettes, alcohol and cyberporn
  • Unhealthy sexual appetite
  • Lack of motivation
  • Desire to self-mutilate
I've not been depressed for a long time. I almost forgot I've ever been depressed at all! Now, how did I get through it the last time? I can't remember...

I shouldn't have gotten emotionally involved. That, I think, was the catalyst for the predicament I'm in right now. When will I ever learn that I am incapable of love or being loved??? I even have a hard time loving myself! I change myself so much, trying to be somebody that I'm not, that I don't know who I am anymore. Who am I??? Who are you???

I need a job!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, August 11, 2006 @ 11:18 am

Dear Blogger,

You know that half a year has already passed when the whole country gets ridiculously dressed in reds and whites and watches the same people-paid parade, either at the National Stadium or at the Padang. I've not watched the parade for years because I was almost always working on Public Holidays. But this year, I've no choice, haven't I?

So what have I been doing since I'm not really working anymore? It's odd how I tend to spend more when I'm jobless than when I did have a job! Spent my time at Macdonald's, cafes, libraries, malls! I've even bought shoes! I bought this retro gold stilettoes which are just dying to step foot in a club!

But life can get a little boring when my schedule's not packed. Do you know how stressful it is when I've no plans for the day??? I'm a Type A personality! I NEED to be busy! I'm running out of ideas on what exciting things to do on my own actually. Can't wait for school to reopen.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, August 08, 2006 @ 9:10 am

Dear Blogger,

I've just discovered Janis Joplin.

Piece Of My Heart - Dedicated to my dear, dear Idy... F.O.D!

Oh, come on, come on, come on, come on!
Didn't I make you feel like you were the only man - yeah!

Didn't I give you nearly everything that a woman possibly can?
Honey, you know I did!
And each time I tell myself that I, well I think I've had enough,
But I'm gonna show you, baby, that a woman can be tough.

I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,

Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby!
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, oh, have a!
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,
You know you got it if it makes you feel good,
Oh, yes indeed.

You're out on the streets looking good,
And baby deep down in your heart I guess you know that it ain't right,
Never, never, never, never, never, never hear me when I cry at night,
Babe, I cry all the time!
And each time I tell myself that I, well I can't stand the pain,
But when you hold me in your arms, I'll sing it once again.

I'll say come on, come on, come on, come on and take it!
Take it! Take another little piece of my heart now, baby.
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah,
Oh, oh, have a!
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,
You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good.

I need you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,
Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby!
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart, now darling, yeah, c'mon now.
Oh, oh, have a

Have another little piece of my heart now, baby.
You know you got it - whoahhhhh!!

Take it! Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby,
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart, now darling, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Oh, oh, have a
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby, hey,
You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, August 07, 2006 @ 10:46 am

Dear Blogger,

After a hopelessly unproductive weekend, I got to thinking that he didn't want to give me a chance not because of my insecurities. No! Far from it! He'd rather be "friends" because he's insecure too! Leos can't deal being with someone who's better educated and has brighter job prospects. Worse of all, he knows that he can't control me. Leos can't stand not able to be in control!

I spent my weekend watching DVDs and reading. I wanted to go out, but I didn't know where to go or what to do exactly. Basically, I just wanted company and distraction. But pathetic old me doesn't have friends, does she? One of the rules on how to get over a break up: Go out or be with your friends. Gee... I wonder where's mine...

My near-insomnia is getting worse. Even resorting to sleeping pills didn't work. I may go to bed at 1 a.m. but I'd wake up at 2 or 3 a.m. I won't be able to fall asleep again till 4 or 5 a.m. By then, I'd be late for my morning appointments for sure! It's ridiculous!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, August 05, 2006 @ 12:49 pm

Dear Blogger,

It is really over. He doesn't want any reconciliation and just wants to be friends. I couldn't accept that. I couldn't be friends with former relationships. Looks like I've to move on too, and I AM moving on! Can't you see that I'm moving on well?

I've shed my last tears last night. I allowed myself to cry like I've never cried in weeks or months. I swore that after last night, there won't be anymore crying for him. If he can't tolerate a few tempers or be forgiving, what hope is there for a longer future together?

Where are my friends in all this? They're not here of course. Not that I expect much from them anyway. I've given up crawling to them for company. Sometimes, being alone feels better. Costs less too! I save money on smses.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, August 04, 2006 @ 11:28 am

Dear Blogger,

I've been thinking all day and night if I had made a mistake. It wasn't like I could help myself from thinking about it. Afterall, I initiated the break-up, didn't I? So why do I have this nagging feeling that I've made a mistake?

Every hour, I checked my mobile for any missed calls or messages from him. Sadly, I've received none. What did I expect? Pleas from him to work this out? I haven't contacted him. First rule of break-ups: Don't call your ex. It's a hard rule to obey. Often, I find myself tempted to send out a "How are you?" message. Something so generic and innocent, yet full of hope.

Let's look at it positively! At least, I'm taking this better than when I broke up with Din. With Din, I couldn't see him without suffering from hyperventilation. Since we're talking about Din, I have to hand it to him for having this uncanny ability to contact me when I'm at my most stressed.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, August 03, 2006 @ 2:27 pm

Dear Blogger,

My love affair with Idy ended when my professional relationship with Sentosa ended yesterday. The funny thing was, I didn't even know I was fired! Apparently, it was because of an incident that happened two Saturdays ago.

Today is already Thursday, and I still had not heard anything from my former supervisor and management about it. I wonder if this is the way Sentosa manage their staff or that these few people just don't have the balls to tell it to my face. After all the respect I've given them, this is the respect I get??? The last time I heard, respect is a two-way thing.

The way I've been treated had upsetted me a great deal. So much so that I couldn't look at anything associated with Sentosa. Unfortunately, that included Idy. Then again, our separation was inevitable. I didn't just suddenly thought of breaking up with him. It's been in my head for quite awhile now.

I don't know how he's taking it. I know I'm not taking it well. If I really wanted to do this and if it's really for the best, then why do I feel such remorse? I suck at breaking up! You know what? I don't think I even know what I want! Things seem so confusing to me these days, even though they are really simple. No wonder I'm having depression, anorexia and insomnia!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, August 02, 2006 @ 10:06 am

Dear Blogger,

My first day without food, and I've done it! Now, on to the second day. I'm not on a hunger strike or anything. I'm just on the path to anorexia nervosa. Yes, that's right. I'm so retarded that I'd want to starve myself silly. Why don't I just move to Africa where food won't be much of a distraction? If I could afford to, I would! I'd probably move to Namibia.

Not only am I retarded, I'm an insomniac too! Hmm... that's not entirely correct. I could sleep, just that I'd wake up in odd hours and then not being able to sleep again. Is that a medical condition? In the past week, I've read, watched tv, even vacuumed my room between at 2 or 3 in the morning!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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