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who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Saturday, May 06, 2006 @ 12:23 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm starting to feel the burden. People would say that it's about time. It's not like I've been in denial. I've just been grinning and bearing it that's all. Not many around me knows what's going on. And I don't want them to know. The last thing I need is sympathetic faces looking at me.

I went to the airport. Gosh that place has changed a lot! The viewing mall at Terminal 2 is more dissappointing now than I last visited it. Gone is the solace I was able to find whenever I was there. Back then, I could almost touch the planes even though a pane of glass separated us both. Now, it's a pane of glass plus an extended transit area plus another pane of thicker glass separates us.

I found consolation in my Popeye's 3 piece chicken strips, milkbread, 2 regular mashed potatoes and a regular Coke Light. I've also bought "Harry Porter and the Half-blood Prince". Finally! I couldn't believe that I've forgotten about it!

I wanted to cry. I'm surprised that I haven't cried in a long time and I'm starting to get worried. I still couldn't cry! I just wanted all these supressed feelings out in full teary force. But it refused to happen! This is not healthy you know. This is not how I want to kill myself!

Is 26 too old to be single? I know I've always tried to convince myself that relationships and marriages are recipes for lifelong misery. And I do feel that I'm better off without men in an emotional involvement context! So why do I feel affected when my supervisor told me that I should be married by now? Why did I let her comment get to me?

It's a fact that I'm not girlfriend material. I've resigned to the fact that in the eyes and twisted minds of men, I'm only worthy of a good fuck. But why the hell am I constantly reminded that having boyfriends are a good thing? I've no doubt that having a boyfriend is useful but is that a necessity?

I've no more delusions about a man's sincere affection towards me. When they show the slightest hint of any liking towards me, it usually means they're horny. I know I'm making a blanket judgement over this, but I've realised that by thinking the worst of people (especially men) first, I'll be better off in the end.


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