modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006 @ 2:33 pm

Dear Blogger,

I only managed to sleep after 3 a.m. last night. I was in bed by midnight but I kept tossing and turning till I got frustrated with everything. It wasn't like it was a hot night and my bed wasn't that uncomfortable. Although, it could do better. I think after 8 years, it's time for a new bed don't you think?

Anyway, because of that little insomnia, I'm feeling a little tired right now. Wide awake, but tired. And for some reason, this morning's coffee has made me a little hyper. I've finished all my work before lunch! Now I don't know what to do. I hate being bored!

What's in the news lately? Indonesia has been struck with double disasters within a span of a few days. An earthquake as well as a volcanic eruption! As of now, I think the death toll from the earthquake has crossed the 5,000 mark. I think that's too be expected considering the quake had hit a densely populated area.

Also, almost all of the victims are villagers who still believed in spirits. And considering that it's Indonesia that we're talking about, where corruption is still rampant, government action has been pretty inefficient. The Indonesia government has been quick to ask for international help but the execution of the assistance itself is much to be desired.

I want to do my part in this disaster relief, but I'm afraid I can't do much. Home is my top priority right now. So what I'll do, and like what most Singaporeans would do, is to contribute a few dollars to the relief fund. I've read that MUIS has initiated a fund-raising drive at all it's mosques. I'll drop by one and insert a few dollars into its tin cans.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, May 30, 2006 @ 9:21 am

Dear Blogger,

I cried myself again to sleep last night. I guess after weeks of pretentious calm and joy, the loneliness has finally crept in. Everything's falling apart. My family. My future. My dreams. I thought I could control it, but who am I kidding?

My only friends in the middle of the night are those furry ones on my bed. They're my only comfort when I'm sad. Who can I call in the middle of the night? No one at all. Nobody knows how to deal with a depressed person. Let alone a crying one. What do one do with a crying person?

I thought about my baby again. As much as I want to forget about it, I can't. After 2 years, it still hurts. The pain, the betrayal... I still feel them. I thought I've gotten over it. I thought wrong. Because of him, I could not get myself close to any other guy anymore. Everything about men feels so wrong now.

Anyway, it's a brand new day. I'm just trying to make the best of it. I don't know if I'll live to see another day even. Have a good day moddie!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, May 29, 2006 @ 9:27 am

Dear Blogger,

When you're sick, you shouldn't feel guilty about it. It's natural to be sick! It's just one of the ways our body tells us to take it slow. Afterall, even machines need to stop functioning once in a while. It's sad though that in today's society, it's generally disapproved to fall sick.

Yesterday, I decided to take the day off because I've been sick the whole week and I was still going to work! I don't understand why it had to be a tough decision. I needed to rest and I shouldn't be made to feel guilty about it! But from the tones of my supervisors and the ones at home, it's not OK to be sick and resting on my bed!

As difficult as it may sound, I made the right decision. I forced myself to sleep and not think about anything else. I woke up feeling so much better and more awake! Decked in pink skirt and pink top, gosh I looked like Strawberry Shortcake! Haha!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, May 25, 2006 @ 1:41 pm

Dear Blogger,

"X-men 3: The Last Stand" is here and I've watched the sneak preview last night. I've always like the X-men series, mainly because I'm spoiled for superpower choices. My favourite character, and many others too, is Wolverine. Simply because he's such an animal. What can I say? I like bad boys!

I thought this last movie in the trilogy is a little heavy. Too many characters cramped into a 2 hour movie. Brett Ratner didn't do ensembles as well as Bryan Singer, who couldn't resist directing "Superman Returns" instead. Can't blame him though. After two X-men movies, it's time for a change.

We see the return of Jean Grey with a split personality. She's a psycho in the extreme sense. She's so powerful now that she could disintegrate both mutants and humans into ashes! But what I really dig about her is her long, wavy, red hair. Super sexy!

There were unexpected deaths but I don't want to spoil it for those who haven't watched it. There were some mutants who lost their powers. Again, I won't say who. Also, this time round, the producers (or maybe Brett himself?) are trying to sex up the movie. I didn't quite like it.

My movie date turned out to be a really boring person. We've gone out several times before but it's only now that I've realised how unexciting this person was. He reminded me so much of Din. Most probably because they are both Leos and their birthdays are so closed to each other.

I don't think I want another Din. After four weeks of knowing this guy, I still don't know much about him. And I don't intend to. I'm not going to interview him or anything. Sometimes, a little ignorance is bliss. Afterall, it's not like I'm that interested in him. I know it sounds really bad of me, but seriously speaking, I don't see him in that way!

My father's back in an acute hospital. Something to do with his diabetes again. The doctor wants to ampute half of his left leg to reduce the infection caused by his damaged feet. It made perfect sense to me but I don't understand the rest of my family couldn't see that!

Everyone thought that it was only his toes that were affected, but actually the thrombosis was slightly below his knee! His doctor didn't think that it was necessary to have half his leg amputated then because he wanted to give us a chance to get used to the idea and adapt!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, May 23, 2006 @ 9:50 am

Dear Blogger,

Sometimes, when you want to move forward into the future, you have to deal with the past first. I've dealt a little of my past last night, and I was surprised that I had left unscathed. Does that mean that I'm more mature now? Or does it mean that I'm being ridiculously idealistic again?

On the love front, it has become stagnant again. The male attention I had received so excessively in the last few weeks had fizzled out. I think it's for the best. I was right to take them lightly, wasn't I? It was alright. It was a good run. I had fun while it lasted.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, May 22, 2006 @ 9:31 am

Dear Blogger,

What is it about a father-daughter relationship that makes it so... perplexing? No matter how abusive a father is, the daughter is still considered the apple of his eye. It's no secret that my father and I are not communicatively close. Non-verbal communication is our de facto language at home.

At the hospital last weekend, we didn't say anything. But the way he was holding my hand spoke a thousand words. Our hands have not touched since I was 6 years old, when he helped me to cross the street. He was the adult and I was the child he was protecting. 20 years later, he held my hand again. This time round, I was the adult and he was the child that needed protecting.

If this was a movie, that scene itself would have won the movie an Oscar. I think both of us knew that his time was almost up. This was our way of saying goodbye. I was so uncomfortable with the whole poignancy of it all that I was overcome with emotions. My emotional state caused a brief hyperventilation attack.

The chill out at the beach yesterday cleared my mind a little. The bottle of white wine helped too. The beach is my new playground now. It's not kids-infested nor is it litter-filled. The sandy white beach and clear, cool water is so refreshing for a Singaporean. I just hope that it remains the way it is for a long time.

The main attraction is of course the fellow beachers who don't really care what you wear because this isn't the beach for you to be seen. Everyone minds his own business but it doesn't mean that everyone's aloof. We're a friendly bunch but we just don't step on one another's territory.

Strangely though, I've yet to develop the tan that is so expected after spending a few hours under the sun. My skin may no longer be pale white but it has become sickeningly yellow. Or could it be just my failing sight? A couple of my friends joined me in the evening. It felt nice having friends from different parts of my life coming together and becoming friends in their own right.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, May 19, 2006 @ 9:25 am

Dear Blogger,

The highly-anticipated and ridiculously controversial "The Da Vinci Code" has hit our cinemas yesterday. Even for the 10 p.m. show, GV Marina was packed. I didn't have any problems getting seats because I bought the tickets a day earlier.

Anyway, before I criticise the movie, I have to say that I am swearing off men who doesn't have fixed working hours. After all that mental strain scheming my way to a great night out, my date blew me off early in the morning by pulling off a "My-leave-was-cancelled-I-can't-meet-you-today" excuse. How did I feel? Of course I was fuming mad!

He's done this to me so many times in the 5 years I've known him and I still haven't learnt my lesson! I am so not communicating with him anymore! With a pair of movie of tickets but no date, I desperately sent out an SOS for a movie date. Most passed because they're watching it on another day. By late afternoon, I was sending out movie tickets giveaway broadcast.

Even then, no one wanted them! So I had two choices: Watch it alone or throw the tickets away. I went with the first choice. Half is better than none at all. I've almost lost hope in all men when 2 hours before the movie, I was rescued by the guy whom the other night, I've told not to play games anymore.

He was alright. Not a cool vibe, but it was alright. He looked more adorable than I last remembered him. Low-hung jeans, footballer's jacket, cap and slack attitude. I don't usually find this street style attractive, but somehow, last night, I was incredible attracted. Focus moddie! Focus!

Now back to the movie. Hmm... Anyone who's anyone has read the book. Some read it because they liked the genre. Some read it because they're curious. Same goes for the movie. There has been so much controversy leading up to this movie that I'm not surprised if 90% of the movie-goers last night watched it out of curiosity!

If you haven't read the book, you wouldn't enjoy the movie. In fact, I think you'd be confused! Just like my date. I could tell that he was lost in some of the scenes. Anyway, I didn't think it was his type of movie. He's a comedy ala "Scary Movie" type of person. How have my standards dipped!

I'm not sure if Tom Hanks was right to play Robert Langdon. When reading the book, Tom Hanks didn't really come to mind. I thought Audrey Tatou was almost right to play Sophie Neveu. The supporting casts were alright too. Jean Reno was comically pursuit-crazy. Paul Bettany was menacingly misguided. Ian McKellen was deliciously English.

But the best supporting casts, I think, are the locations the movie was filmed. La Louvre, La Pyramides, Temple Church, Westminster Abbey and Rosslyn Chapel. Of course, not forgetting the wonderful Leonardo da Vinci's inventions. The Mona Lisa, The Last Supper, The Virgin on the Rocks, the Cryptex... I'm salivating in intellectual excitement.

In overall, I have to say that to pay $9.50 for the movie is not really worth it. Watch it between Mondays to Wednesdays instead. It's much cheaper. Watch it with someone who appreciates this kind of movies. Buy popcorns, nachos or whatever snacks you can find to keep yourself distracted over the boring bits. There are plenty of those.

Now that the hype was such a let-down, I hope X3 will be a better fare.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, May 17, 2006 @ 5:01 pm

Dear Blogger,

I've finally got something to do at work. But I finished it in just 1 hour. The other 7 hours were spent surfing for travel promotions and forums. Can't decide to go to Bali or Phuket. I would love to go to Bali. I think it's long overdue, but there aren't that many promotions on Bali.

Looking at the many promotions on Thailand, Bangkok and Phuket were tempting choices. But I've been to Bangkok already! I want to go somewhere that I've not been before. And I've not been to Phuket nor Bali. Originally planned to just chill in KL but I thought, why not to all these other places since the prices are very affordable now?

I want to fill up my Virtual Tourist map. It's so cool! You just fill up all those locations you've been to and they're highlighted on the global map! I've been to at least one country in all continents except North America, Africa, Australia, Antarctica and the Arctic.

I've got a date to catch "The Da Vinci Code" tomorrow. I'm more thrilled about the movie than the date actually. I don't think I even cared about the date! As long as he's paying for the movie, dinner and the ride home.

Just found out that Coldplay's coming! Will not miss them this time round! I missed them when they performed with Travis at the Indoor Stadium 5 years ago. Regretted it big time! Even though I was in Bangkok then. I'm now eyeing the $148 seats. So, most definitely that I'll be starving from next week onwards.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, May 16, 2006 @ 9:29 am

Dear Blogger,

I've finally told one of the guys in this supposed love triangle that if he has no intention of going anywhere with this, then the game's over. I never thought that I'd feel any relief telling him that. The last few times I've tried saying something like that, it was pretty disastrous.

Anyway, he's cool with it. Besides, he knows that the other guy has already made his intentions known. That was a surprise. I was hoping that neither knew of each other. But that's impossible isn't it? They work in the same department and in the same team! I really am wondering how do I get into this mess.

I was talking to a girlfriend last night about the impossibility of staying monogamous. I don't trust myself to commit to such a herculean task. That's why the thought of "forever" with just one person has never come across my mind. I'm not sure what this guy's real intentions are, but I do hope it's not "forever". That would just scare me.

At work, I'm still getting more crap. Working hours are officially 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. and that was reinforced to me yesterday by the boss. But every morning, I had to wait outside the locked office till someone comes and open the doors. And that's usually past 9 a.m. He really should reinforce discipline on his staff. Not me.

When I submitted my M.C., everyone looked at it like some kind of weird document. When I asked if there were any forms to fill up or the right person to submit the M.C. to, nobody knows what I was talking about. Let's talk about lunchtime too! Nobody dares to go to lunch unless the boss or the supervisor says it's OK to go for lunch. And that's usually after 2 p.m!

I'm still trying to understand the working culture here. Is there even a culture? It's like none I've ever experienced! I must say that this experience isn't boding very well on me. It's not like I've not been trying! I'd be out of here already if I didn't give it another chance.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, May 15, 2006 @ 1:59 pm

Dear Blogger,

I've been ticked off by my boss at the intership company for being "resistant to learning". Me? Resistant to learning? He should really check on his staff on what they've been up to. They've been so busy meeting deadlines and cracking their own personal jokes that they've no time for a decent training for me. And he accused me of resistant to learning? What F!

The company doesn't even have a decent SOP and it dared to accuse me of such? It may be an SME but what's a company without any basic structure? I'm not harbouring any hopes of working in a big multinational company in the near future, but please don't make me discredit SMEs like this.

Also, my date tonight has been postponed. My first date in ages and he had to postpone it because of work. What other reason could it be other than work??? I really should be used to that excuse by now. I spent extra hours dressing myself up real nice for tonight and for what? I had even wasted close to $10 on cab fare because I thought I'd be late for work!

I'm not answering any calls nor messages today. I'm very upset. So much time and money wasted. I'm not even eating lunch! Why should I join these idiots for lunch when they've suckered me into their petty office politics? Haven't they other better things to do than implicate me in their web of power struggle? Once again, don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, May 14, 2006 @ 10:06 pm

Dear Blogger,

This supposed love triangle I'm in right now isn't going anywhere. So I'm going to put a stop to it right after this last chance I'm going to give to each of them soon. If one or both of them are too daft to get the hint, then one or both are not for me.

It may look like I'm pushing things to move a little faster but why should I feel guilty about that? I haven't had a decent boyfriend since Din, and that was 2 years ago! I've ever only had one boyfriend in my entire life! I'm not getting any younger. The pressure of time and lost youth is really starting to get on my nerve.

I went to the beach after work. Had a soak in the cool water, but spent most of my time lazing under the sun and reading "Harry Porter". It was a nice, quiet beach, ideal for self-reflection. The only shitty thing about it is the abundance of SPGs in their itsy bitsy bikini.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, May 13, 2006 @ 11:17 pm

Dear Blogger,

Work was super boring today. Work is always boring when I'm stationed at the coach bay. There really isn't much to do except stare into space for 8 hours. I don't like not having anything to do! It's just a complete waste of time!

I don't think I like work very much these days. It's not so much the job scope that has lost its appeal. It's the people at work who are taking the fun out of it. For whatever reason, I've been suckered into their pathetic internal politics and poor me, I don't know how to get out of it!

I ignore, and they pull me in deeper. I play their game, and I get burned. Damn if I do, damn if I don't! I can't help it if I'm ambitious and aggressive. It's not my fault that I'm outspoken. Why take that against me? Don't hate me because I'm beautiful!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, May 12, 2006 @ 9:16 am

Dear Blogger,

Do you know why I don't like to discuss my problems with anybody? Because they always give me shitty answers. OK. Maybe not always. And maybe not all of them. But you would think that a little sensitivity would be very much appreciated wouldn't you?

Anyway, I've had the worst hangover ever! It has been 2 days already and I'm still recovering from it! I was throwing up food I've just swallowed. My head felt like its beating to some super hardcore rock tune. And yesterday, in the middle of the day, I lost my voice!

So what brought about this hangover? Several bottles of Jim Beam and a game involving a slimy little amphibian called frog. It's hard to explain but it was such a blast! This is what hanging out with friends should be like! No problems. No reminder of reality.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, May 10, 2006 @ 10:05 am

Dear Blogger,

I haven't been home in a few days already. Not that I've really ran away. I've just been spending my nights at a friend's chalet. He's been so nice to me. Even fetching and sending me to work or wherever!

I think he likes me. Guys don't drive you home when you live on the other end of the island, even if it's convenient! Do they? Let alone send over a Cornetto ice cream or look high and low for Cheese Murtabak when you suddenly crave for it!

I admit I've been taking advantage of his generosity. He's convenient! But that doesn't mean I'm proud of it! How do you set clear boundaries? I just want us to be friends. I'm sorry man! I've my eyes on someone else! His colleague actually. Oh dear... how do I get myself into this mess all the time?

My suspicion was proved correct this morning. I've failed my Financial Accounting. I have never received an F in an exam before. To see it in the transcript was such a... surreal experience. I guess there is always a first time for everything. My grades for this last semester had actually improved! Except for that sore eye of an F.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, May 09, 2006 @ 2:13 pm

Dear Blogger,

I've been so busy with work and this internship that I've no time for self-reflection! It's the second day of my internship at this small outsourcing company but already, I feel like I'm wasting my time here. I know I can do and learn so much more but everyone in the office is too busy meeting deadlines to guide some intern.

I've been avoiding home life too for obvious reasons. Seriously speaking, I don't mind not "being in the loop" anymore. My brother seems to have given the impression to everyone concern that I don't give a fuck about the family. So be it then! Besides, my father has always considered him to be his "right hand man" just because he was the first-born male.

I've stopped opening my letters for over a month. What's the point? They're all bills, reminders and warnings. It'll just be a matter of time till I receive another summons to visit my good friend at the Subordinate Court. You know what? I don't really care anymore. Throw me in jail! Declare me a bankrupt! I don't care!

This nonchalant attitude may be disturbing... What am I talking about??? It IS disturbing! Am I in denial? It can't be. I know how deep a shit I'm in and I accept that fact. So what's wrong with me? I'm so retarded! Haha!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, May 06, 2006 @ 12:23 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm starting to feel the burden. People would say that it's about time. It's not like I've been in denial. I've just been grinning and bearing it that's all. Not many around me knows what's going on. And I don't want them to know. The last thing I need is sympathetic faces looking at me.

I went to the airport. Gosh that place has changed a lot! The viewing mall at Terminal 2 is more dissappointing now than I last visited it. Gone is the solace I was able to find whenever I was there. Back then, I could almost touch the planes even though a pane of glass separated us both. Now, it's a pane of glass plus an extended transit area plus another pane of thicker glass separates us.

I found consolation in my Popeye's 3 piece chicken strips, milkbread, 2 regular mashed potatoes and a regular Coke Light. I've also bought "Harry Porter and the Half-blood Prince". Finally! I couldn't believe that I've forgotten about it!

I wanted to cry. I'm surprised that I haven't cried in a long time and I'm starting to get worried. I still couldn't cry! I just wanted all these supressed feelings out in full teary force. But it refused to happen! This is not healthy you know. This is not how I want to kill myself!

Is 26 too old to be single? I know I've always tried to convince myself that relationships and marriages are recipes for lifelong misery. And I do feel that I'm better off without men in an emotional involvement context! So why do I feel affected when my supervisor told me that I should be married by now? Why did I let her comment get to me?

It's a fact that I'm not girlfriend material. I've resigned to the fact that in the eyes and twisted minds of men, I'm only worthy of a good fuck. But why the hell am I constantly reminded that having boyfriends are a good thing? I've no doubt that having a boyfriend is useful but is that a necessity?

I've no more delusions about a man's sincere affection towards me. When they show the slightest hint of any liking towards me, it usually means they're horny. I know I'm making a blanket judgement over this, but I've realised that by thinking the worst of people (especially men) first, I'll be better off in the end.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, May 05, 2006 @ 10:11 am

Dear Blogger,

I have this opportunity to just pack and go over the weekend? Should I do it? I'm divided over it. I would love to just leave this bloody island, even if was just for 48 hours. But I have responsibilities. Then it struck me. Since when do responsibilities become a ballchain round my ankles? Aren't responsibilities supposed to be something that you want to take on instead of an obligation?

Maybe I'm confusing things. I am confused right now. How can I not??? My father's still in hospital because the paperwork to step him down is incomplete. I'm failing in school. I haven't checked this semester's grades yet. Bills are coming in red letters. My brother just told me that life for the family would be easier if I'd just die. One thousand and one reasons why I'm confused right now.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, May 04, 2006 @ 8:58 am

Dear Blogger,

I've always favoured Wednesdays and Thursdays because these are usually Ladies Nights. For a would-be alcoholic like me, Ladies Nights are always a draw. Remember those nights at Club Momo? How I enjoyed them! I was meeting new people, dancing my fats away and truly forgetting my pathetic existence.

Sadly, I didn't enjoy myself at all last night. I don't think there was anything wrong with the club. It has stayed the way I have remembered it. But somehow, my usual charm was seen as a threat. Call me crazy, but I felt that there were these invisible notices put up all over the club that said, "Avoid Moddie!"

Maybe I was crazy! But I was seriously feeling ignored. I don't like being ignored. I have to be entertained. I can't be left on my own or I'd fall into one of my deep, melancholy thoughts. Another disturbing recollection had just come across my mind. I remembered feeling... loss.

I was missing someone! I missed his corny jokes. I missed watching him work the poles on the dancefloor. Haha! That was quite a sight! But I can't be missing someone! I can't go through all that again! It will hurt too much!

Forget about taking chances. I've taken more than enough chances already and the outcomes have never been to my satisfaction. Moddie is not going to make the same mistake again. Oh no she won't! But why do I feel like I will?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, May 02, 2006 @ 9:26 am

Dear Blogger,

I guess I'm taking this escapism seriously, seeing that my last post was a week ago. I thought I could never live without the Internet nor my mobile phone. But I guess I could. Communication may be a basic need for humans, but too much of it can be hazardous to health. Anyway, too much of a good thing is always a bad thing.

What is this obsession to stay connected to anyone, anywhere, anytime? What is the point of having this advanced connection when the quality of the communication is as poor as Kevin Federline's much joked about debut? I feel stressed when sitting next to a teenager yapping on her mobile with mindless banter. Worse of all when she throws in lovey dovey goeey words to that similarly airhead recipient on the other line.

Anyway... What have I been up to? Where have I disappeared to? I've been spending a lot of time at work. So it was inevitable that I started hanging out with the guys at work. I might have even gone on dates with them! I said "might" because I don't really know what it means to go on a date. When a guy asks you to join him for dinner, that's a date?

This is all fine and dandy as long as everything is clear as glass. But life is not always clear is it? What seems like one thing may actually be another thing. I don't wish to dwell deeper on this. As someone once said, "Assumption is the mother of all fuck ups". If a guy likes me for who I am, then be a man and tell it to my face! I'm not getting any younger to play all these games.

I've had my eyes checked a few days ago. My eyes are alright. It's just that my sight has blurred a little. It's obvious that my degrees have gone up. With the amount of reading and computing work I've been doing, how could it not worsen?

What I did not expect was that I've developed astigmatism in my left eye. The degrees have stayed constant but it's blurred because of this thing called astigmatism. My optometrist said I was lucky because I've developed it so late considering that I've past the 300 degree mark 15 years ago. My current condition is acceptable. So I don't have to make any drastic changes except to put on contact lenses for awhile.

I'm not particularly fond of contact lenses because they dry my eyes badly. They are uncomfortable after long hours and the maintenance is a chore. The only good thing about them is that they make me look good. Too good in fact! Received too much unneeded attention from my male colleagues yesterday. As hurtful as this may sound, beauty does have its advantages. Especially when you want something done.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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