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who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Saturday, April 15, 2006 @ 10:49 pm

Dear Blogger,

I'm dying for ciggies and alcohol. And company. But once again, I'm all alone. No one to make me laugh. No one to share my thoughts with. No one at all. They don't even reply my messages. So I really wondered if they're really worth it.

I've also run out of Xanax. I thought I still have them. Then I remembered that I swallowed them all in my last OD. I just needed something to make me escape from reality. I don't even mind going to work! But I was rostered to rest today. I don't know why. I'm not used to not working on weekends.

What brings me to this state? I guess it's fear. Fear of the uncertainty. I don't know what's going to become of us. Will we be able to manage? Will I be able to keep it together? I haven't had a nervous breakdown yet. But I could feel it building up. If it does happen, I hope it'll kill me. A cowardly demise suits me.

You know what I've just realised? I haven't cried at all! Is that good or bad? I am going to breakdown aren't I? It's just like the calm before the storm isn't it? I will have this massive and grand breakdown and people will whisper, "Look how the mighty has fallen..."

As I was sitting by his bedside, I thought that I should have been lying here instead of him. I deserved to be struck down by stroke! I'm the useless one! I have nothing much to lose. He, has a lot to lose. I'm beginning to think that it was my defiance and insensitivity that made him sick. I've always been the tempest in his mind.

My aunties came to visit. You know how much I hated my relatives. Their fake pieties amused me and annoyed me at the same time. I wanted them to go and just leave us alone. Leave us in our misery! One of them treated us to dinner. I didn't want to go. I didn't want my mom to be left alone with them either.

They started talking about who's getting married to whom. What is it with aunties and marriages??? What's with this obsession with marriages??? "She's 20-something, working as so-and-so and she's getting married to so-and-so"... "She's 30-something, works as so-and-so, but still not married"... Blah, blah, blah, blah!

They don't dare to talk to me about it anymore but they could as well have talked about me. Afterall, what's there NOT to gossip about me? I'm like the living, breathing tabloid to entertain their sad and dull lives. Will she or won't she find someone? Will she or won't she settle down? Blah, blah, blah, blah!


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