posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i
Saturday, April 22, 2006 @ 11:30 pm
Sometimes, ignorance is bliss. And too much information will really kill you. That is why, I think, I have had quite an enjoyable time this weekend. I chose to ignore reality. I chose to live for that moment, as if I would never see tomorrow. Sometimes, you need to live a loca just to get everything back on focus.
I'm making new friends, picking up new skils (useful or not, I don't know) and more importantly, I'm living life. But this seemingly carefree lifestyle is just a facade isn't it? I know I've always mentioned about escaping the grim realities of my life. Is this kind of escapism healthy?
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Thursday, April 20, 2006 @ 11:33 pm
Worked slightly over 11 hours today because of the Boat Asia event. It was my first time in Sentosa Cove, and I must say that I was a little disappointed with the piece of land. It's actually being developed into "one of the world's most exclusive marina integrated residence". If you own a unit of one of it's luxurious homes, you are supposed to be able to wake up to your own private powerboat parked right outside your door.
But all I saw was undeveloped land and pieces of architecture in the middle of nowhere. It immediately reminded me of Johor for its unfinished development projects across vast lands. The saving grace were the boats and yachts docked at the marina. Not as fantastic as those as Raffles Marina, but since that was the first time I've ever been to a marina, it was quite a sight to behold.
Sam Henley. He was a guest at the event. I remembered his name because he was the cutest expat in the event today. He looked rich and eligible. Alas, I could only see, but not touch. There were other good-looking guys too but they all looked too out of reach for me. Am I turning into an SPG? I do sound like one don't I?
Yesterday, I spent downloading music the whole day. I came across this gem of a classic. It was Soft Cell's "Say Hello Wave Goodbye". It's a typical 80's song but the operatic emotions that Marc Almond portrayed in it made it the perfect breakup song.
Standing in the door of the Pink Flamingo
Crying in the rain
It was a kind of so so love
And I'm going to make sure it never
You and I
It had to be
The standing joke of the year
You were a sleep around
A lost and found
And not for me I fear
I tried to make it work
You in a cocktail skirt
And me in a suit
(Well it just wasn't me)
You're used to wearing less
And now you're life's a mess
So insecure you see
I put up with all the scenes
And this is one scene
That's going to be played my way
Take your hands off me
I don't belong to you, you see
Take a look at my face
For the last time
I never knew you
You never knew me
Say hello wave goodbye
Under the deep red light
I can see the makeup sliding down
Hey little girl you will always make up
So take off that unbecoming frown
What about me?
Well I'll find someone
That's not going cheap in the sales
A nice little housewife
Who'll give me a steady life
And won't keep going off the rails
We've been involved
For quite a while now
And to keep you secret has been hell
We're strangers meeting for the first time O.K.?
Just smile and say hello
Say hello then wave goodbye
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Tuesday, April 18, 2006 @ 10:26 pm
Exams are finally over, but school hasn't ended yet. I've taken on a module in the summer. I just wanted to keep myself busy for this 4 1/2 months break. Although I should be spending more time at home, I just don't feel I should. I guess I wanted to get over school as early as I can so that I can go to work full-time and be the next breadwinner of the household.
My father will be discharged anytime soon, but the issue of full-time carer still hasn't been resolved. Everyone's busy either with work or school. To sacrifice either one for this responsibility is just not an option that anyone one of us can afford right now. The hospital has been bugging me to make a decision, but I can't make this kind of decision! It's just too heavy for me to deal with!
I don't have any answers. I wish there were. I don't even have anyone to consult with. Everywhere I turn, it's just me. And I have to make this burden of a decision, just because I was the first-born child. That doesn't seem fair, does it? How do you compromise family obligations with personal aspirations? Where do you draw the line of taking risks and chances?
Questions and more questions in my head, but no answers. Even in my sleep, I ask these questions. No wonder I wake up feeling even more tired, as if I didn't even sleep in the first place. Where do you look for answers anyway?
I hate to say this, but I need a man right now. Someone to tell me what to do. Someone to protect me. Someone to reassure me that things will be alright. But that's just too much to ask for. I have better luck with a woman doing that than with a man.
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Monday, April 17, 2006 @ 12:39 pm
Today was a very bad day and it has only been half a day. It started off when I found my g-string covered in blood. Yes... Of all days, it had to come today. I didn't even know I was going to have it at all! I had actually forgotten my cycle. I'm not sure if this was for this month or last month!
It would not have been too bad if I had found out about it BEFORE I had left the house. It was half an hour before my accounting paper! I didn't bring any change nor any spare. How the hell was I going to get myself fixed up at a time like that???
No wonder I was bingeing on food the whole week. I thought it was odd that I kept stuffing my mouth with snacks most of the time. Usually, I don't even have any appetite to swallow a peanut! I even thought that I was substituting the lack of sex with food.
Thank goodness there was a Watson's store in campus. A huge one at that! Got myself fixed up but still feeling a little uneasy. I just don't understand why us women have to be burdened with menstruation every month! I know that it's necessary for pregnancy but isn't there an easier way???
On top of this whole menses fiasco, I was having trouble breathing. I was breathing in short bursts. My heart was beating unevenly fast. It felt like claustrophobia. No matter how empty or big the space is, I felt uncomfortably suffocated. I am very sure this was not because of my menses.
I don't know what it is. I'm hyperventilating even! Is this anxiety? Damn! I left my anxiety pills at home. I found some Xanax pills in one of my bags last night. The discovery felt like god-sent! I haven't taken any yet.
Oh God... I know what's coming. This is the start of a nervous breakdown. Yes! That's it! It's all too familiar now. I've to be careful. Anything could trigger a full-blown breakdown. Anything.
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Saturday, April 15, 2006 @ 10:49 pm
I'm dying for ciggies and alcohol. And company. But once again, I'm all alone. No one to make me laugh. No one to share my thoughts with. No one at all. They don't even reply my messages. So I really wondered if they're really worth it.
I've also run out of Xanax. I thought I still have them. Then I remembered that I swallowed them all in my last OD. I just needed something to make me escape from reality. I don't even mind going to work! But I was rostered to rest today. I don't know why. I'm not used to not working on weekends.
What brings me to this state? I guess it's fear. Fear of the uncertainty. I don't know what's going to become of us. Will we be able to manage? Will I be able to keep it together? I haven't had a nervous breakdown yet. But I could feel it building up. If it does happen, I hope it'll kill me. A cowardly demise suits me.
You know what I've just realised? I haven't cried at all! Is that good or bad? I am going to breakdown aren't I? It's just like the calm before the storm isn't it? I will have this massive and grand breakdown and people will whisper, "Look how the mighty has fallen..."
As I was sitting by his bedside, I thought that I should have been lying here instead of him. I deserved to be struck down by stroke! I'm the useless one! I have nothing much to lose. He, has a lot to lose. I'm beginning to think that it was my defiance and insensitivity that made him sick. I've always been the tempest in his mind.
My aunties came to visit. You know how much I hated my relatives. Their fake pieties amused me and annoyed me at the same time. I wanted them to go and just leave us alone. Leave us in our misery! One of them treated us to dinner. I didn't want to go. I didn't want my mom to be left alone with them either.
They started talking about who's getting married to whom. What is it with aunties and marriages??? What's with this obsession with marriages??? "She's 20-something, working as so-and-so and she's getting married to so-and-so"... "She's 30-something, works as so-and-so, but still not married"... Blah, blah, blah, blah!
They don't dare to talk to me about it anymore but they could as well have talked about me. Afterall, what's there NOT to gossip about me? I'm like the living, breathing tabloid to entertain their sad and dull lives. Will she or won't she find someone? Will she or won't she settle down? Blah, blah, blah, blah!
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Thursday, April 13, 2006 @ 10:19 am
?? (qin ai = Dear) Blogger,
“?????????????” (wo mei you ren he wen ti yi wo de jie guo = I don't have any problems with my results). That's what I replied to my ????? (hua yu de lao shi = chinese teacher). And to think, I got a D for my overall ?? (jie guo = results)? I did so well for the participation marks, but it was the damn tests that pulled my grades down so low! But ??????? (wo bu ying gai shi shi wang = I shouldn't be disappointed). I guess I got what I deserved. I can never do tests. I'm a choker.
?????? (wo zuo tian qu yi yuan = I went to the hospital yesterday). I've been visiting ???? (wo de ba ba = my dad) 4-5 times a week just to check his progress, and also to keep ???? (wo de ma ma = my mom) company. It's really hard for her. It'd be hard for me too if ???? (wo de zhang fu = my husband) is a vegetable. How would I make ends meet? ??????(wo hui zuo shen me = what would I do)
The next question is who will take care of him once he's discharged? We can't all be with him 24/7! We have to go to ?? (xue xiao = school ) or go to ?? (gong zuo = work). Initially, it was obvious that my mom had to quit her job and be a full-time caretaker. But now, that doesn't seem possible because she's now the unofficial breadwinner! What we all need right now is a divine intervention. Are you there God?
On another depressing note, someone from the past has been reminding me of the full moon for the last 2 months. I wished he'd stop contacting me. ?????(ta yao shen me = what does he want) I don't want to have anything to do with him at all! Besides, I'm boring compared to the other girls he has gotten his hands on. ?????????? (you mei shen me te bie guan yu wo = there is nothing special about me)
ps. ??????? (wo de hua yu bu hen hao = my chinese isn't good) so my apologies if I've made mistakes in my translation. Hey! I'm still learning! So, do correct me if I've made any mistakes.
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Wednesday, April 12, 2006 @ 11:26 am
Tired, tired, tired. Not physically tired. Lazy tired you know. All I want to do today is just lie in bed. But it's a horrible weather to lie in bed today. I wished it would rain, just like yesterday. Today, the sun is out in full force. I hate that!
Everyone who cares is talking about the election. I don't. In the last election, I was the rare few among my peers who got to vote. But it was a no contest. I had not heard anything from the opposition. I didn't even who the opposition was! How was I to make a fair vote if I could not even hear what the other party had to offer???
I think all this election nonsense is just pure formality, just because Singapore is a "democratic" state (whatever that means!). Therefore, the government are required to hold elections once every few years. But what's the point really? You mute your opposition to the extremes, so what left is there for the competition???
And here the government complains that us young people do not care much about politics. What politics are there for us to care??? I would like my MP to the best person for the job, but I won't know who's the best if I can only hear one side of the story.
So, really, what's the point of an election??? Why should I waste my precious hours in the queue because it's a must for me to vote? By the way, what happens if I don't vote? Will the police knock on my doors and drag me to court? And is it true that civil servants can only vote for the ruling party? If that's so, again, why bother vote?
I remembered the last election. It was the day when Din gave me my first goodnight kiss. Those were innocent days. I guess I'm not that innocent anymore. Five years have past and gosh! Look at what I've become! I can hardly recognise myself anymore!
By the way, I think I'm going to indulge myself a little once I get the progress package "allowance". I'm going to invest on a digital camera! I think I'm a pretty good photographer. So much so that only I can take the nicest pictures of myself.
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Monday, April 10, 2006 @ 11:24 am
I'm in danger of becoming a couch potato. I know I should be revising for the exams but there are so many good shows on telly these days! First, AXN is showing the first season of "House" again on Mondays. At about the same time, Channel 5 is showing "Grey's Anatomy". Both are medical dramas with a difference.
"House" is more medical "CSI". I get wonderfully lost in its investigative work to cure a mysterious illness every week. The lead character, Dr House, is so amusingly bitter and caustic and oh so intelligently sexy. He's a bad boy geek! Not surprising that the show attracts more female than male viewers!
More importantly, he's a Brit. At least, the guy who's playing Dr House is a Brit. I just don't understand why he has to fake an Amercan accent in the show. I thought it'd be so much better if he played it in his naturally accent. The sarcasm would be oh so wickedly funnier that way.
"Grey's Anatomy" is more TV-land drama than medical accuracy. Sandra Oh, who won Best Supporting Actress in the last Golden Globes for this show, is the scene stealer. She's so witty and sarcastic! She's sort of the bitchy version of Chandler from Friends. What is it about sarcasm that makes a character worth watching???
I think it'd be a dream if her character goes head to head with Dr House! I mean, both are egoistical. Both are very driven. And both are incredibly sexy in their own right! I always knew that brains are so much sexier than boobs or booty.
Then, there's the Korean drama, "Jewel in the Palace". It's supposed to be based on a true story but anything meant for TV cannot really be trusted. Even the news! Whatever it is, the intrigues of the Korean palace drama are riveting. The only problem I have with the show is that it always make me crave for Korean food after each night of watching. Where the hell can I get Korean food at 11 p.m. on a weekday night???
I think that's how my life is going to be like in the next few years. Go to school or work, head home, then plant myself in front of the telly till my eyelids can't keep themselves open anymore. Occassionally, I'd have a drink or two, but generally, I think I'd rather stay in. Anti-social behaviour? I don't have much social life to begin with to be anti-social I think.
A few nights ago, a male colleague asked why I'm not married at 26? How do you answer that kind of question without sounding sarcastic or pathetic? I've thought about it and I came up with several possible responses:
It's not that I'm shy. I guess, I just don't like to waste my time and energy on something that's not worth commenting about. It's no wonder that I feel much more comfortable in the company of men than women. Being with women can be a mind-numbing experience at times. I can tolerate only so much gossips and fashion reviews.
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Saturday, April 08, 2006 @ 12:06 am
I'm a little tipsy right now. The department party SUCKS!!! I didn't get hit on by anyone! What's wrong with me?! I was the sexiest one there but I was practically invisible! I really wanna fuck any of my bosses tonight but I was really ignored. Maybe I should just look for another job.
I mean, am I ugly? Am I too aggresive or what? How come I don't have a boyfriend at all? I haven't been asked out on a date in a very long time. I really want to be asked out on date. I want to go steady with someone. I want to feel special. I want to be introduced as someone's girlfriend.
I HATE MEN!
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Friday, April 07, 2006 @ 1:03 pm
I'm hungry, groggy and nursing a hangover. Wanted to drink last night and I did. Headed off to Devil's Bar with a friend. We were just in time for the last Happy Hour order: 3 jugs of beer for $50. We managed to finish off not 3 jugs, but 4 jugs! I'm still surprised I could drive last night!
I don't know why I do these things. There are so many critical things to do (like studying!) but I wasted my time of these frivolous things. I guess I wanted to escape badly. Am I spiralling out of control? I think I am. I just don't know how to make things better again. It's like everytime I try to fix things, it just gets worse.
Being drunk makes me forget all that. It's temporary but for that brief moment, I'm happy. I just want to be happy. I'm not even asking to be loved. At least I didn't do anything stupid last night. Not that I could remember anyway.
There's a department party this evening. I don't know if I should go. I'd probably get drunk again and this time, with my bosses around, I don't think I could stay smart for long. Maybe I should just look for another job. Here's a hard lesson to learn: Never, never, never fuck your boss! It's so much worse than fucking a married man.
I would love to chow down a lasagna right now. And some creamy fettucine. Throw in pistachio ice cream too. I haven't had a full decent meal in weeks! I'm losing weight so fast that I've loose skin everywhere! Even my boobs feel flatter! My butt is shrinking too. That's so sad. Who do I have to kill to get a killer body like Giselle? Oh God! I'm a bimbo!
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Wednesday, April 05, 2006 @ 11:47 pm
I just had a major lesbian moment earlier on. The "Victoria Secrets Fashion Show" was on. The lingerie was awesome but the models wearing those lingerie were beyond awesome. Look at those legs! And those perky butts! How come I don't have breasts like that?
I just couldn't get enough of Giselle Bundchen. Even though she was almost married to Leonardo Dicaprio, she's one of my favourite models. She has this long gorgeous body with superlong legs. And those long, wavy locks are just a dream! I want to have hair like her!
I'm planning a little getaway to don't know where. I might just hop on a ferry or a bus to wherever. I need to get out!
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Tuesday, April 04, 2006 @ 11:07 pm
When did we lose our child-like wonder? When did we become an adult? What does it mean to become an adult anyway? When did we forget to have fun? These days, being an adult is such a bore and I don't want to be a bore! I want to be young and live life to the fullest!
But I can't. Why? Because I have to be an adult. I have to do things that I don't like doing because I have to be an adult. Most kids want to quickly grow up into an adult because they think that being an adult allows them more freedom. I don't remember wanting to grow up fast. Unfortunately, I did grow up fast. Too fast.
At the end of my 9th year, I was already developing breasts. At the beginning of my 10th year, I was trying to get rid of all the hair that was growing at places which I thought shouldn't even be there! At mid-year, I began to live a cursed life as a woman.
By the time the nurses came to talk to us about puberty and menstruation, I was already past that. Do you know how awkward it was to be the tallest and most developed student in class? A year before, the boys in class were boys I held hands with during assembly. A year after, they were not just boys. They were kids!
At home, I was already taking care of my siblings while my parents went out to work. I thought it was so unfair that I had to feed them, changed them, educate them and entertain them at the same time. I was sister, part-time mother, tutor and clown all at once! While girls my age were playing dolls, I was changing diapers for real.
Strangely though, I never learned to cook. I can wash, clean, mop, sweep, iron, wire the electrical circuit, tune the radio, VCR and TV, and knit! But I never learned to cook! I've cooked stuff but that's purely out of desperation. As long as it's edible, I've no complaints.
Perhaps now that I'm going on 30, I guess I'm trying to make up for lost time. I particularly enjoy adult games but whatever I do, I want it to be fun! I don't expect to live long anyway. Just look at my dad! He's not even 50, yet he's partially immobilised.
I don't want to end up like my dad. I don't want to be in that position where I'll find myself too late to do the things that I want to do. I want to explore Europe, the Americas and all ancient worlds! I want to experience passionate sex with men who are traditionally out of my league! I want to volunteer my expertise in war-torn countries! I want the world to relinquish prejudice of all sorts!
By the way, I watched "Real Women Have Curves" last night on HBO. I just want the whole world to know that, I LOVE MY BODY!!! Fats, cellulites, scars and all! Although I wish I've bigger breasts, I think my ample butt and killer curves make up for it. Also, I've gorgeous lips and an awesomely radiant smile. So what's not to like about me???
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Monday, April 03, 2006 @ 11:27 pm
I went to the hospital today right after class. This week was supposed to be study week, but I still have classes. I doubt I'll be doing any studying this week anyway. I tried studying at the hospital, but I ended up napping at the visitor lounge with my sister. We couldn't help ourselves! It was freaking raining!
My father was transferred to the general ward in the evening. That meant his condition was improving. He was no longer in coma. He still couldn't speak but he could move his limbs. I insisted on speaking to the consultant even though he was doing his rounds. I told him that if I don't keep my arse here in this ward, he would never come and talk to me later.
What can I say? The bitch always wins! He told me that my father required permanent home care now. He recommended medication but I knew that it was expensive medication. And it wasn't just medication for a week or two. It was lifelong medication!
With my father medically unfit for work, I began to mentally prepare myself for a tougher life ahead. My mother would have to quit her newfound job now because my father would be needing full-time attention at home. With my mother not working and the rest of us either schooling or serving the country, I don't know how we're going to cope financially.
Damn it! I should be focusing on the exams ahead! But how the hell am I supposed to do that??? I hate it when I'm not in control!
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Saturday, April 01, 2006 @ 10:03 pm
I have a hickey! It took me 48 hours and 3 colleagues to point that out to me! How embarrassed could I possibly be? To think I've been walking around with this hideous hickey on my nape all around school! I was so sure that there was no evidence to be found in any parts of my body. I guess my body check was not as thorough as I thought.
It was so weird facing my bosses at work today. Both of them! I just couldn't put on a straight face. I had to bite my lip from laughing out loud! When I saw my Bad Boss, I just couldn't resist but look at his pants. I told him about the hickey and how uneasy I was that I had to find out about it from the other staff! I think he dropped by the office so late in the day just so he could check out the hickey.
I want him bad! He's such a sadist! Could I be a closet masochist? I mean I have this morbid fascination with jabs. I always beg my doctor to give me more shots just so that I could see the needle pierce through my skin. My neck is a sensitive spot. Bite at the crevice of my neck and you've got one very horny mama.
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