modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Friday, March 31, 2006 @ 10:36 am

Dear Blogger,

It's been 24 hours since my last confession and it has been 3 full moons since I went down on anyone. Also, 8 months have passed since my last orgasm with a man. My vibrator has been doing the job ever since, and I must say that it has been doing a good job!

Obviously, I haven't been really lucky with men lately. I hate them! Yet, I lust after them. Especially one who prefers boxers to briefs and has some form of body piercing (tongue studs are a personally fave!).

I'm a sucker for tall, lanky guys too. As for good guys or bad guys? Good, nerdy Seth Cohen types are adorable but bad boys (Colin Farrell, Russell Crowe) are so much more fun. The worse, the better!

After last night's riotous and very adult company dinner (it was a "Back to School" theme), the good and bad collided. Thus, making me a very satiated employee. What was even more wickedly unbelievable was that both good and bad were my bosses.

I arrived late at the dinner because I had to be at the hospital earlier. Anyway, the late arrival was intentional. I wanted to be there when everyone was already heavily influenced by the beers, wines and liquors. Why attend a sombre company event early when the real fun begins after the dinner?

When I arrived, the Flying Dutchman from Class 95 FM already a few participants on stage playing strip musical chairs. On one corner of the room, the drunk boys in their white shirts, long dark pants and school ties, were making a rukus, catching unsuspecting victims and making them drink whatever lethal concoction they brought in.

My sweet, boyish-looking boss (Good Boss) saw me first and brought me a glass of beer. I drank 2 glasses within 10 minutes of being with him. Apparently, he had already drank 15 glasses earlier. From the looks of things, everyone else seemed to have swallowed quite a lot of beer already. The party had started and I was right on time!

Throughout the night, I had quite a lethal dose of beer, wine and bourbon in my system, with only a chicken floss bun for the day's meal. I was definitely high, but surprisingly, I wasn't drunk. I didn't throw up at all! It was probably because I was moving around a lot.

I was going from one table to the next, getting to know people from the other departments and cheering them on to drink more. If I ever can't succeed in the infocomm industry, I can try out the club scene and be a hostess. I know I'll be good at it.

I met my other boss, the one with the tongue stud (Bad Boss), and somehow, I knew that the thin employer-employee line we had been walking on would be broken tonight. Even when he was ridiculous garbed in a convent girl uniform, he was hot! He was making ME hot!

On the dance floor, he had his hands all over one his female colleagues the whole time. I was ashamedly bothered by it. I mean, why did it bother me so much? It wasn't like there was anything going on between us. So, I stepped outside for awhile just to cool things off and get my senses back on track.

Good Boss came over to check on how everyone was doing. He was so drunk but not in a threatening way. Then he kissed me! Not a lip smacking lip kiss! It was a damn-I-wanna-fuck-you-but-in-a-gentle-way kiss! That just caught me off-balance and started what was going to be one hell of a ride on my sexual fantasy rollercoaster.

Bad Boss saw us and dragged us back to the dance floor. I danced for awhile but I was content to just check out other people's moves. Good Boss kissed me again and then left to get more drinks. Bad Boss dragged me to the dance floor again but this time, his hands were all over me!

We were seriously flirting on the dance floor, even though we could feel the other staffs looking at us. My mind kept flashing this huge neon warning: "THIS IS SO WRONG! THIS IS SO SO WRONG!". But I didn't care! I was seriously high and I so wanted to taste that tongue stud.

It was time to leave but I thought the night was still young. I had forgotten that it was still a school night. I suggested to go for more drinks and both Good Boss and Bad Boss agreed. We found ourselves at Insomnia and that was when things really got heated up. It got so sinfully bad that I think I deserve flagellation. Not in sexual sort of way of course.

While bad boywent to answer phonecalls, Good Boss kept locking his lips with mine! I didn't stop him. His kisses were sweet. His tongue foreplay was gentle and reassuring. I liked that. I knew that if sex with him would be slow with lots of caresses.

Bad Boss returned and just stood there looking at me. While Good Boss was non-threatening, this one was scaring me. It was so thrilling! When I least expected it, his tongue was on my ear! All sorts of my internal alarm went off! And it was loud!

He got rougher and started biting on my ears, neck and shoulders. It hurts a little but I was so aroused by it. He finally kissed me. It was explosive! God I love tongue studs! It was obvious that he was the dominant one and I liked it! I wanted to be dominated!

His hands weren't hesitant to find their way under my dress but we were still in Insomnia! I may be sexually deprived for a long time but there was no way I was going to fuck him in a club! He got the message though. So he contented himself with kissing and biting the hell out of me.

After awhile, I felt bad for neglecting Good Boss. So I made up for it by kissing him even more. While I kissing him, Bad Boss was feeling me from behind. It was a menage trois at the corner of Insomnia. I can't remember when anything like this had ever happened to me before. This was so wrongfully exciting!

Both bosses wanted to send me home and they debated over it for awhile. In the end, the dominant Bad Boss won. He was kind enough to send Good Boss home too. Actually, I insisted on it. It was along the way anyway. In the back seat, Good Boss and I were making out. Bad Boss encouraged it.

When I was assured that Good Boss was safely home, we made our way to my place. As soon as he parked the car at my block, he was all over me. Now I've made out in cars before but never at a residential block! Even at 3 in the morning, someone might see us! Somehow, that didn't bother him at all.

His kisses became more commanding. His grip became more aggressive. Every struggle I made just turned him on even more and I increasingly indulged him. I was already wet when he slid his finger in me. That took the oxygen out of me! I was gasping for air and moaning out loud in delirious ecstacy.

I could feel it building up. It was just waiting for that final push for release. I wanted to explode but I couldn't! Not yet anyway but I finally did! The after-feeling was pure bliss. No more frustration. The tension's gone. I felt relaxed. So what if it wasn't intercourse? I had my long overdue orgasm hadn't I?

I couldn't let him have all the fun could I? I wanted him to remember me for the rest of his life. So I blew his fucking mind off! I haven't tasted a dick in a long time but thank goodness this one tasted good. Not boasting or anything but I think my blowing skills have reached the super duper unforgettable level. Still, there are always new tricks to learn.

Once our sexual desires had been fulfilled, we said our goodbyes. But in the back of our minds, we wondered how work was going to be like after this. I don't know if this experience was ever going to repeat. I don't want to give any hope of it. I don't even dare to label him Guy E!

By the way, he's a Gemini. The last bad boy I had unfortunately tangoed with was a Gemini too. Dear God, I hope I don't get emotionally involved this time round. I'm content to just be his fucking buddy. Enough about last night. The thought of what was going to happen at work now worries me. Am I the unofficial department slut now?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, March 29, 2006 @ 12:06 pm

Dear Blogger,

This must be the part where I throw up after my roller-coaster ride experience. Except, I couldn't throw up. The bile is increasingly forming in my stomach but I couldn't do anything about it. No matter how much I stick my finger down my oesophagus, the bile just won't come out.

It's not that I had really rode on a roller-coaster. There isn't one in Singapore anyway. But life is really like a roller-coaster ride isn't it? Of course, there will be others who prefer the merry-go-round, but I find the roller-coaster more thrilling, even though I swore never to ride on one after each ride.

My dad suffered a stroke yesterday. The hospital called me in the middle of a school day informing me that my dad was brought into A&E. By whom, none of the hospital staff knew. Apparently, some stranger/passerby/driver found him unconscious at the wheel at some major road somewhere.

The fact that the hospital called ME, not my mother nor my brothers was disturbing to me. Afterall, I'm no longer considered part of the family. It so happened that the hospital could only find my mobile number on my father's mobile.

I rushed to the hospital, despite all the rows that had happened between my father and I. I broadcasted the critical announcement to the rest of my family, and that started a flurry of calls and messages. Thank god for free incoming calls!

When I reached the ICU where my father was warded, I was made to wait because the doctors were doing their rounds. I am generally a patient person and a reasonable one at that. But when you're made to leave class in the middle of a school day because you were told that your father was in critical condition, there was only so much tolerance one could possess.

When I was working in a hospital many years ago, I learnt that the most effective conflict management technique is to not make the patient and his family wait for information. I was made to wait for information and I didn't like that. I could accept the lack of certainties at that moment because tests were still being done, but information like how he got there, when he was brought there, the preliminary analysis, etc would be very much appreciated!

I just lost my temper when a cocky doctor told me off for disturbing his rounds. I don't think I had created any scene but I was certainly talking in a louder voice. I was certain too that the poor nurse who was with me felt the brunt of my frustration.

But that outburst certainly worked because within minutes, not only did I receive an apology from the nurse manager but I got the information I was seeking from the attending doctor himself. I knew he didn't really like me and he thought that I was just some clueless bum, but I didn't care. He wasn't paying for my education. Hey! I'm a bitch and I'm beginning to like being one!

After one bad news, came another. The bank threatened a legal suit on me but at this moment, I just don't feel like it's up there in my critical list. My exams will be in less than 2 weeks. I really have to pass this final because I've failed all of my mid-terms. I haven't participated much this semester so I'm not expecting high participation marks. I haven't been a decent team-player either so again, I'm not expecting even decent marks for my group projects.

I'm stressed out but life goes on. Wicked game God plays doesn't He?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, March 22, 2006 @ 2:47 pm

Dear Blogger,

I used to enjoy writing, expressing my feelings without any care and concern about others who might be offended by it. Writing was my escape from a world full of hypocrisy and intolerance. But lately, the joy of writing has somewhat left me. I couldn't express myself as fluently as I so comfortably used to.

It wasn't that I didn't have anything to journal. God knows about the frustrations I've been forced to feel in the last few days. The last of which was that the man I used to call "father" had kicked me out of the house. And it is said that blood is thicker than water. What a load of bollocks!

I am still here in this damn house. I haven't packed my bags yet. I don't think I have enough bags to pack everything I need. The thought of where I am going to live never occured to me. I have bigger things to worry about like the upcoming exams and the next set of bills I have to pay.

I am afterall, a survivor. After several suicide attempts, I'm still walking on this bloody earth. I do wish I had just kicked the bucket. Then again, I am constantly told that God has a plan for me. Sometimes I think God is just plain bored with his Almighty duties. That's why he toys with us mortals. Was that blasphemy? Then so be it.

Skye - Love Show

Sit down, give me your hand
I'm gonna tell you the future
I see you, living happily
With somebody who really suits ya
Someone like me

Stand still
Breath in
Are you listening

You don't know
Somebody's aching
Keeping it all in
Somebody won't let go
Of his heart but the truth is
It's painless
Letting your love show

Break down. Give me some time
I don't want the fear to confuse ya
Right now, it's so wrong
But maybe it's all in the future with
Someone like you

Stand still
Breath in
Are you listening

You don't know
Somebody's aching
Keeping it all in
Somebody won't let go
Of his heart but the truth is
It's painless
Letting your love show

Maybe truth, maybe lies
Made me want you
Maybe dumb, maybe wise
I don't know

Somebody's aching
Keeping it all in
Somebody won't let go
Of his heart but the truth is
It's painless
Letting your love show

You don't know
Somebody's hurting
Holding it all in
Somebody can't let go
Of his heart but the truth is
It's painless
Letting your love show
Love show
Letting your love show

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, March 18, 2006 @ 11:50 pm

Dear Blogger,

The romance is over! All people, not just men, SUCKS!!! I have a lousy family, lousy friends, a lousy school and a lousy job! Or am I the lousy one??? Perhaps I am the lousy one! That's why I'm surrounded by these lousy people!

I was so tempted to jump into the river while walking along the Sentosa causeway. I could have taken the shuttle bus to Harbourfront, like I always do. But tonight, I felt like walking. It didn't matter that it was already very late at night. There were hardly any living soul around. I just wanted to walk!

I was even crazy enough to walk all the way home! But I my sanity successfully talked myself out of doing that. I hate my fucking self!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, March 16, 2006 @ 11:23 pm

Dear Blogger,

My day ended earlier than usual today. 11.45 a.m. to be exact. I had the whole day planned but I just couldn't keep my eyes opened and my mind was wondering to places I've never been before. I just decided to fuck it all and went home to sleep.

I could hear my phone ringing every now and then while I was drifting in and out of sleep. When I woke up, there were several miss calls and messages left in my voice mail. I just deleted them all without checking. I knew who there were from and what they wanted.

I had several meetings planned today but like I said, I was too damn tired already! I know I should have made a courtesy call to excuse my absence but I was in "fuck everyone" mood. I was tired of feeling responsible for everything. I just wanted to be an irresponsible git today!

I woke up with grand plans to do clean up some work but I got stuck at the couch with the telly's remote control in my hand. For the whole night, I was a couch potato bum. I watched shows as diverse as the American Idol to Channel NewsAsia to Discovery's Travel and Living. I ended the night with a poorly copied screening of "A Date Movie". That was probably the last time I was ever going to watch a spoof movie.

I've been thinking a lot about my boss. I'm a strong advocate of the "No Office Romance" rule, but I just couldn't help thinking about him in the most non-office sort of way. It must be that tongue stud of his. You know how I've a thing for guys with tongue studs. I even wanted to get one myself on my birthday!

Hardly anyone in the department likes him. The most commonly used phrase to describe him was "unreasonable bastard". Unlike everyone else, I find it easy to communicate with him. I think that's because both of us are task-oriented people. Tasks first, relationships later. I can appreciate the changes he's trying to make in the department. The only problem was, he didn't communicate his intentions well enough.

Out of the office, I know for a fact that he's a bad boy. Another killer factor that I'm a sucker for. KP once said that I was always attracted to the same type of guys and vice versa. I never understood what he meant, but after some analysis on my part, I realised that he was right!

How do I get out of that? The rest of the male population are... no offense guys... well... boring! You've got to appeal to the wild child in me. At the same time, you have to know how to treat a woman well. I know it sounds like a herculian demand but why should I settle for anything less?

That's it man! I've just sealed my fate to permanent singlehood. Like that's anything new. Hah!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, March 15, 2006 @ 6:03 pm

Dear Blogger,

I did all these silly tests today, out of boredom. Gosh my statistics professor can really talk and talk and still be oblivious that his class is depleting. Amazing!

Modgurl, you're all about Lip Flapping

Take this test at Tickle

Flirty, funny, entertaining, charming — that's how the world tends to see you. You, more than others, love sharing gossip, making new friends, and maybe even passing out a few free kisses along the way. There's a fun frivolity to your wild ways that makes people envy your spontaneous enthusiasm and boundless energy.Whatever your passion, you love to try new things and can move easily from one fad to the next — whether that involves searching for the best party on Saturday night or finding the perfect shade of lipstick. Simply put, you don't mind looking around, and you'll probably have more fun than anyone while you do.

Hmm... Is that so???

What Do Your Lips Say About You?

Modgurl, you're a Steady Supporter

Take this test at Tickle

Stand by your man — that's just something you naturally do. Once you've committed to a relationship, you are a constant companion who enjoys the comfort and stability that comes from being a couple. Not quick to judge, accuse, or think the worst, you have a lot of trust (in him and in yourself), and you rarely worry about where he is or who he's with. For you, mutual respect is of utmost importance. You are comfortable and confident in your own skin, making you a great pillar of strength in all your relationships. Whether he's striving to climb a mountain or land a promotion, you have his back. Best part is, you know he's got yours too.

Stand by my man? Yeah right! Look where has that gotten me into!

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?

Modgurl, you're a Scottish Terrier!

Take this test at Tickle

No bones about it, you're an adventurous Scottish Terrier. Fearless, feisty, and always up for a challenge, you like having things your way. Some people might even label you stubborn or headstrong. But we know you're just ambitious and motivated. (Being misinterpreted is such a trial, isn't it?) Besides, your can-do attitude serves you well when facing challenges at work or in your personal life. No job is too big, and absolutely no obstacle is going to stand in your way. You're always ready, willing, and able to rise to the challenge. A loyal, caring friend, you choose your pals very carefully, then stick by them through thick and thin. Woof!

I like this one. It's so cute!

What Breed of Dog Are You?

Modgurl, your destiny is to be a Provider

Whether you know it or not, this is the role that is most in tune with who you are at your core. As a Provider, you have a genuine nurturing concern for the welfare of others and you're eager to serve them. You can recognize exactly what people need and your friendly, helpful, social nature makes them feel comforted. With your kind and generous heart, you are personable, talkative, and outward with your emotions, and your openness and sensitivity makes you concerned about the way others view you. Along these lines, be careful not to blame yourself when things go wrong. You cannot prevent bad things from happening, even though your tendency to be orderly with a strong sense of right and wrong may lead you to believe you can. Accept that you do what you can to take care of things and that this will get you far in the world.

Thinking of joining nursing...

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, March 14, 2006 @ 11:43 pm

Dear Blogger,

I feel so incredibly tired, especially when people keep asking for a piece of me. Have you done this? Have you done that? Are the reports ready? Have you paid this month's, last month's, previous months' bills? Are you free to do this? Are you free to do that? Most of the time, I'd just smile and reply, "I'm trying my best".

I'm a serial multi-tasker. Often times, I'm forced to take on tasks, like school projects. Sometimes, I willingly take on tasks even though I know very well that I won't have the time to commit. Why do I that? Is it because I'm trying to prove to myself that I can do it? That's just silly isn't it? I guess I've no one to blame but myself for digging my own grave.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, March 13, 2006 @ 11:26 pm

Dear Blogger,

I almost made a dreadful mistake today. I think it was because today was the start of the full moon week, I felt restless and agitated the whole day. It was as if my mind was on some hyper drugs or something. I didn't really know what I wanted. So, I messaged Din if he wanted to get it on tonight.

As soon as I sent it, I ignored all his messages. I was just toying with him, wasn't it? Did that make me a cruel person? Well, I'm not feeling guilty now. So, I'm not a cruel person. I'm still restless though. It has been, what, 3 full moons since I last had sex? Isn't that a new personal record?

Let's not even worry about my sex-less state. It has been 3 months since I last went on a date! I guess my notoriety has reached the ears of all men. Thus, their absence in my life of late. It doesn't matter. I can swing both ways.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, March 11, 2006 @ 10:56 pm

Dear Blogger,

I can't really remember when was the last time I blogged, but it was some time early this week right? Or was it last week? Anyway, I had some writer's block. It was just one of the times when I couldn't string a proper sentence. Also, I was quite tired at the end of the day. So, I didn't really touch my notebook when I was at home.

Right now is what I called project season. Almost everyone in school is rushing to finish his projects. I have 3 projects to complete. I just sat for 2 tests, one was an oral Mandarin test. The other was statistics. Both of which I suck! Personal deadlines are looming near like fire-breathing dragons. They're making me feel hot! Feverish even!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, March 07, 2006 @ 11:37 pm

Dear Blogger,

Despite my hectic schedule and the shitty people around me in the last few days, I am still smiling. I don't know why but I'm still thinking about... certain things. Believe it or not, I actually miss work! This suspiciously happy demeanor of mine is affecting my productivity. I seem to do things at a leisurely pace, even though I do have really urgent tasks to complete. I don't even feel like blogging! I just want to live hedonistically! It wasn't like I had sex or anything. So, what's wrong with me?

Oh! I went shopping today! I didn't plan to go shopping. It started out as an errand (to pay a bill actually) and I ended up with a pair of bras (subtly embroidered three-quarter cut cups in awesome pale pink and deep brown at just $10 a pair!), some toilettries, a pair of beach shorts and an uber sheer top (thinking of wearing it with my bikini top). Perfect for a night at the beach! I spent about $20 only, so I shouldn't be too hard on myself. Besides, when will I ever go shopping again???

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, March 05, 2006 @ 12:15 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm a little tipsy right now. I just got home from work. Actually, work ended at 5 p.m. but I stayed for the Jazz by the Beach event. It was great to meet some of the musicians again, and they remembered me! There was no mention of you-know-who even!

I came alone because none of my friends were interested. It didn't matter. I was glad I went to the event on my own. I had planned to just have a drink and go home right after the event. But my boss joined me and he kept buying drinks for everyone. So one bottle led to four bottles. By the time the band started playing the last set, I was a little tipsy.

The thing about my boss is that he enjoys provoking me and I often return the favour with my ascerbic wit. For whatever I had said during my job interview, he had construed my words to assume that I was an SPG (Sarong Party Girl - a woman who prefers caucasion men). Of course I'm not! I had never gotten lucky with a caucasion male before!

He assumed that I was at this jazz event because there were many caucasion males present. I played at his assumption, blaming local men for not being satisfactory in all aspects. This battle of the sexes banter went on all night until at the end of the night, I've accused him of being old, gay and coward, typical of local men!

To prove me wrong, I gave him a challenge: To walk up to three blonde women and ask for their names. That was it! I didn't even ask him to get their contact numbers. It took him ten minutes to accept the challenge and he did get their names. Not with style though, but to give him some credit, he did get their names. Of course that didn't mean he wasn't gay. Haha!

It was close to eleven and the bar was closing. We were the only ones left. He offered to drive me back and I thought he was going to send me to the nearest MRT station. He sent me all the way home instead. I think it was all that beer we were drinking because we were acting like kids in the car. I was at my wittiest, bitchest best and he was being a frustrated man.

He got all physical on the expressway but it wasn't what you were thinking. He started slapping my hand away when I tried to mess up his stereo system. He started pinching my ears and squeezing my neck and shoulder everytime I called him a wuss. When we got to our block, he just wrestled with me and pulled my ears just to get back at me for calling him names. My ears are still pretty red and sore.

Hard to believe it, but it was all childish fun! Something only an excessive amount of alcohol can do. But all this time, I was not stupid enough to push it any further. If it was any other man, I'd probably wake up in his bed. But he's my boss for God's sake! Even though our working hours were long over, he was still my boss. Do you know how weird it would be if something had actually happened???

Nevertheless, there's this nagging question in my mind. Was my boss hitting on me? I think his mind was thinking the same thing too. It would just be dreadfully awkward if something did happen. Still, I'm proud of myself for the fact that I was clear about my boundaries.

Oh! The jazz band was awesome! It was soul and funk jazz and the night was just perfect for it! I'll be missing the next one though, but I'll be back for the latin jazz on 18th March. And no. You know who will not be playing.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, March 01, 2006 @ 9:59 pm

Dear Blogger,

The shit just doesn't get any better does it? I thought today, considering that it was Wednesday, was going to be a better day. I have always liked Wednesday. It's my favourite day of the week. It is also my gym day. An hour at the gym always cheer me up afterwards. It's something to do with the happy hormones produced after a workout.

Anyway, the deceptive calm was demolished by none other than one of my teaching instructors. I missed a presentation a few weeks because I was sick and because of my dad. Today's meeting was to assess me on my understanding of the module.

The thing about my information systems courses is that I understand the business logic of things and I truly enjoy them. But ask me about the technical details, and I'm stumped. I know this seems odd, I like IT but I'm just not technically inclined! But I'm a university student. My job is not to learn, but to study.

I was butchered so bad that I was left speechless at the end of the session. To have your father criticise you day in day out is already bad enough. But to have an instructor remind you that you're a failure as a student is just the icing on a rotten cake.

I know I'm just an average student. My GPA is close to borderline. I know that if I don't buckle up, I'll be kicked out of this programme. I'm struggling to survive here. I know my flaws. What I don't seem to be getting enough is encouragement. For every encouragement I received, there are ten cristicisms thrown my way.

Someone told me today to look for the "strength inside me". What the hell does that mean??? It's easy for anyone to say that! I don't have anyone to help me find the "strength in me". I'm not Jesus. I'm watching "The Passion: Recut" while typing this by the way. I'm not even the nuns who float in the habits at the church next to the campus.

But it all doesn't matter. I may barely be able to crawl, but I'm crawling, one slow step at a time. An inch today, an inch tomorrow. One day, it will all be a mile. One day.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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