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who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006 @ 6:51 pm

Dear Blogger,

I didn't, no, couldn't go to school today because I didn't have any money and there was no one left at home to take care of my father. He was discharged last Monday. When I returned home at about 10 p.m. last night, he was crying out like a little boy. He was hungry. There was no one at home. I fixed him up a mug of Milo and offered some bread to go along with it. That was the best I could do with a baren kitchen.

He asked me a few minutes ago about selling the house. From the very beginning, downsizing isn't a good idea. Smaller apartments these days cost more than a bigger apartment, believe it or not. Of course, he hadn't forgotten to remind me what a loser I was. It just didn't matter that I'm breaking bones, sweat, tears and blood to make things right. It didn't matter that I'm slowly, but surely, going insane with the way things are going.

But he is still my father. Being the first-born child, I am obliged to bear this burden. In silence, no less. I am the very cliche spinster caregiver to a sick parent. Hey! I am no saint! But I'm trying to do the best I can as a daughter even though shit is piling up to my face faster than I could clean them up.

I know how he's feeling. He's feeling helpless, like I am right now. Both he and I are stubborn, proud creatures. We are workaholics. Sometimes, foolishly, but often times, because we feel responsible to do so. We are incredibly intelligent but we never learnt to maximise our potentials. There were so many times in our lives that we could smell success, but for whatever reason, we never reached out to grab it. We are alike in many ways, although we never publicily acknowledge it.

Din had asked me several times in the last few weeks, if I wanted to go out with him today. I haven't replied at all. I almost gave in though. However, as fate would have it, a gun-wielding, fat, Chinese murderer is on the loose. The whole police force is on alert and a manhunt is on right now. At least that's what I think he's doing since I've not heard anything from him today at all. Or, he could just be a jerk that he is. Who needs a pussy like him anyway.


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