modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006 @ 11:21 pm

Dear Blogger,

I want to run away. The conditions at home are getting extremely unbearable. I don't know how long more I can take the abuses at home. It seems romantic to just pack my bags and live on the streets. But the thought of lugging my clothes, shoes, toiletries, books and laptop all over Singapore made me stay put. Also, I still have to go to school and work. I'm not that irresponsible enough to not pay my own bills.

2008 seems such a long time away for me to put up with the nonsense I'm getting right now. But I've survived, scars and all, this far. I just have to focus on the big picture, the big goal, the big finishing line. It's very tough to keep the focus. Sometimes, I couldn't see or recall the goal. So I had to dig really hard to find it.

I'm already thinking of an MBA. Wouldn't it be cool to have an MBA right after your name? I don't know if Harvard would consider taking me in, but I can always dream. I know that I'm having a shitty time just trying to get my Bachelor's. Everyone's just waiting for me to get a real job. But you know what? Fuck them all! I didn't do this for any of them and I'm certainly not going to do this for any of them!

None supported me, financially nor emotionally, when I returned to full-time schooling after four years in the working world. So why should I live up to their expectations? If they think that they can taste the fruits of my labour, they think wrong! I'm a proud bitch. So what?! I've goals and action plans, and I'm doing it my way.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, February 27, 2006 @ 9:50 pm

Dear Blogger,

I will never speak to my family again. I don't want to hear anything from them and as much as possible, I don't want anything from them. Once I can afford it, I'll move out and be independent. I don't want to share my sorrows and my joys with them. I don't want to invite them to any of my events. I won't attend any of their evernts, not even their funerals. I don't want to have anything to do with them anymore.

This is how much I've grown to hate them. My parents can curse and swear at me all they want. I may lose limb and sanity but so what? It's not like I'm not feeling the misery and pain right now. They want to curse my children? Go ahead! I'm not having any kids. They curse me to hell? Newsflash! I'm already condemned to hell!

My counsellor has told me not to live with anger. He has not lived with my family. Did he think that I want to be angry all the time? Didn't he know that anger is exhausting? Did he think that all those hours at the gym is purely for aesthetic reasons? Short of yoga and anger management therapy, I think I am managing all this rage inside me quite well, thank you very much!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, February 26, 2006 @ 11:14 pm

Dear Blogger,

The day went along fine when suddenly, I became angry. I was internally in rage really, without any justifiable reason at all. I just became angry and I couldn't explain the sudden change of mood. I could blame it on PMS but I know that wasn't it.

Everything suddenly felt so wrong! Even the flowers and trees seemed to be wrongly planted. They were even of the wrong colour! Every face on the street seemed despicable, whether or not I knew to whom that face belonged to.

I was so angry that I even thought of puncturing my own womb. Just seeing the kids and babies in the train made me hate myself. I hated my disability to be like everyone else. I hated my pride and my weakness to feel responsible for everything. I hated my job, my school and the people around me.

I don't know how this fury came about, but it didn't get any better when I got home. I was tired with all this rage inside me. On top of that, I didn't have anything to eat the whole day. I needed to rest. I needed some peace of mind. I needed to reflect a little.

All that couldn't happen. Once again, my father had to open his big mouth. His abuse came fast and furious. I stomped off before I could scream at him to shut up. I wish I could scream at him to shut up. SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!! I didn't know where to go, so I just sat at the playground downstairs.

The tears flowed hot and non-stop. The tap has burst. I didn't care who was there at the playground. It wasn't like they were going to come over and ask me what's wrong. My brain was in a mess. I couldn't think straight. Random thoughts came and gone before I could make sense of any of it.

I asked a friend if she was busy. I thought she could come over and talk me out of doing anything stupid. I needed a friend who could offer me his shoulders for me to cry on. She didn't respond. I guess she was busy. There wasn't anyone else I knew who could be a true friend in need.

So, I called the one person whom I truly hate, but Din was working. I shouldn't be surprised at all. He's always too busy for me. How stupid of me to think that he would drop everything just because I needed him. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

I don't have any friends then. I don't have anybody! Even God has gone into hiding! I hated this place! I don't have a home anymore. Not even a family. STOP YELLING AT ME!!! Why is everyone yelling at me? Why does my family think the worse of me? My silence doesn't mean disobedience. Nor does it mean selfish pride. It just means that I care too much!

I didn't utter a word when I was sick or sad or stressed. I stayed silent because they already have too many problems in their hands. I didn't complain when I was starving for days on end. I didn't worry them with the problems I'm having in school. I didn't say a word about any of those things because I bloody damn care!

My faith is leaving me. I'm just not strong enough for all this madness. Are you there God? Can you hear me?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, February 25, 2006 @ 11:59 pm

Dear Blogger,

The month-long free "Jazz by the Beach" event will be back next month at Sentosa. It will feature some familiar names. I'm not so keen on meeting old acquantainces but I do so wanted to go. But I couldn't think of anyone who would be interested in it. I didn't bother to ask anyone now because I knew that would be a waste of time and money. I guess I'll just attend it alone then. I figured that even if I miss it, I'd still be miserable. So, I might as well be miserable under the stars with cool live jazz music.

There are some movies recently released that I really wanted to watch. Again, I have to miss all of them because money is extremely tight nowadays. I even had to think twice about spending money to buy food! I would love to catch "Brokeback Mountain" (I'm just curious about gay Marlboro Men), "Munich" (I love Eric Bana!), "The Constant Gardener" (I'm mesmerised by Ralph Fiennes intense presence) and even "Underworld Evolution". I'm just a sucker (no pun intended) for vampire movies, especially one with a femme fatale in it.

It's in times like this that makes me wonder about the real power of money. I'm beginning to feel that money is really the root of all evil. What is it about money that makes people go crazy? What is it about money that makes people forget their innocence? Can money really buy happiness? I wonder if Bill Gates is happy being the richest man on earth. Do you think he's ever bored with all that money?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, February 24, 2006 @ 12:39 am

Dear Blogger,

After all the time I've spent visiting him at the hospital and cutting classes for almost 2 weeks, just so that I could be at home to look out for him, it all didn't mean anything. I'm still the child who is wasting time with frivolous activities! I'm still the child who brings all the shame to the family! I'm still the child who creates trouble for everyone!

All that precious time wasted on him! For what? For him to criticise me still and throw even more shit to my face! I don't even have time to socialise anymore. I spend almost all my waking hours either studying, working or both! Yet, I'm still being blamed for every calamity that has fallen on this bloody household!

I really, really wanted to scream at him to shut up. I just couldn't. All that rage waiting to be let out, just stayed inside me, until I couldn't take it anymore. I got up and left the house. Slamming doors all the way. I didn't go far. I just went downstairs and took several puffs.

The anger is still in me. Simmering like some broth that will boil over. I am so determined to pack my bags and leave this place, as soon as I graduate. If as their own flesh and blood, I'm treated like an outsider, than I might as well be an outsider.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, February 23, 2006 @ 11:20 am

Dear Blogger,

It's 11 a.m., and I just woke up. I couldn't sleep last night. Usually, I'd discipline myself to sleep by 11 p.m., so my day could start at 5.30 a.m. I went to Liberte Bar for some drinks, even though I was still recovering from flu. I strongly believed that I deserved some chill-out moments. Plus, it was member's night! I get 30% off on all F&B. I only had a pint of beer, several sticks of ciggies (I haven't smoked in days!) and some light snacks.

Usually, after some drinks, my body would lull itself to sleep right? But last night, the clock went past midnight, and I was still awake! Plus, I was bored. There was nothing interesting to surf. I had even tried the IRC scene. No one wanted to chat with me even. It was probably the nick. Moddie didn't sound female I guess.

The clock went past 1 a.m. I decided to have supper. I watched cable while ingesting the leftover dishes at home. This eventually was vomitted back out into the toilet bowl. I have firmly believed that this habitual induced vomitting of mine is psychological. But it felt good after that.

It was 2 a.m. Movies came and gone. There was "Le Divorce", which even till now, I have no idea what the movie was actually about. All I know was that it reminded me of my trip to Paris. I miss Paris. It's a bustling city, yet, it has a laidback atmosphere about it. As compared to Singapore, where it's go, go, go from the very beginning.

I almost missed "CSI" because I thought the re-run was at 3 a.m. I managed to catch the second half, but by then, I couldn't understand the plot. There was "American Idol" too. For some reason, I couldn't help but be enthralled by Rebecca Donahue, the dark beauty. She didn't have a strong voice like the other contestants but boy, she was so much better to look at!

The male contestants this time round, didn't excite me at all. I could be blind, but is this year's batch consisted of mostly geeks? I have nothing against geeks. I even have a thing for them! Exhibit number 1: Seth Cohen from "The O.C.". Yum-mie! The thing about geeks is that they are usually funnier and more sincere than good-looking guys. Exhibit number 2: A certain younger guy I used to hang out last year (will never, ever mention his name again!)

It was almost 4 a.m., and I've had enough. I willed myself to sleep, but it wasn't a good sleep. I suspected I must have sleepwalked, but I couldn't be sure. The alarm rang. I opened my eyes as if I had not gone to sleep. The next time I opened my eyes, it was 8.30 a.m. Somehow, I had convinced myself that I hadn't gotten the necessary 6 to 7 hours of sleep. This was despite the fact that I was already wide awake.

My body clock is weird in that way. No matter how late I've slept, I'll wake up before 10 a.m., the latest. After which, I'll decide to start the day or return to slumberland. By the way, my rashes are getting itchier and itchier. Could I be allergic to something?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, February 21, 2006 @ 10:24 pm

Dear Blogger,

You know those new mp3 phones that are a rage with the youngsters these days? I hate them! I don't mind having to listen to a sample of a song if the phone rings or someone sends that person an SMS. But to have to listen to the whole song, in the loudest possible volume the phone can carry, is so annoying! To have to listen to the whole song when it's neither a call nor an sms is out-of-my-mind irritating!

What is even worse is when these kids treat public places like their own karaoke bar. Everyday, some wasted youth never fails to ruin my day with his bad-sounding mp3 phone and even worse singing. Haven't these people heard of earphones or headphones? There are some really good ones in the market which promise to be sound-proof.

What has happened to our youths? All these mindless fun is... mindless! And is it me or is it only the Malay youths who indulge in all these nonsense? I don't want to insult any of my Malay folks (I've insulted them enough already) but I'm just disappointed in them. These kids are supposed to be our future, but I see that my future is not getting any brighter.

I still haven't fully recovered from my cold, which has somehow promoted itself into flu. I don't have fever but I'm getting some kind of rashes on my arms. At first, I thought they were heat rashes. Then, someone told me that the rashes looked like some allergic reaction. I've never had allergies before. Not even to dust.

My logical brain thinks that they still heat rashes. Because for whatever reason, my body couldn't break into a fever, all that heat in my body pops out as ugly spots on my fair arms. I'm taking cold and flu tablets like they're vitamins. I get lethargic easily and my joints ache, especially at my left wrist and spine. Despite this discomfort, all I could think about was nachos and lasagna.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, February 19, 2006 @ 9:15 pm

Dear Blogger,

I am really, really tired. But it's good tired! My feet feel so sore that I can barely walk properly. It was all that standing at work. This weekend, I was rostered to do PR work. It mainly involves chit-chatting and directing guests to their destination.

I enjoy that! I enjoy the interaction. Most rewardingly, I enjoy the appreciation I receive from my guests with my service. Not surprisingly, it's usually the non-locals who really, as the poster at the bus-stop says, makes customer service worth it.

Maybe it's the uniform too. My smile comes easily when I put on the uniform. Not only that, my greetings have a sing-song tune too! My colleagues think I'm a happy person. If they only knew. This job is truly an escape for me. For 8 hours in each day of work, I am able to forget the problems back home. I can even indulge myself in a little daydream romance every now and then!

Today, I helped change a baby's diapers. The mother was a blonde Australian, but her baby girl was dark. She was commenting on how such a supposed family-oriented place did not even have diaper-changing stations. So I offered to help hold her baby while she changed her diapers. I forgot how babies can really stink. Fuyooh!

She asked if I have children. It took me a few seconds to think of an appropriate response. No, I do not have children. I don't think I ever will have children. But I almost had one. How wicked that would sound if it left my head.

I didn't want to leave. I wanted to keep holding the baby, but she was not mine to keep. I think if the woman was observant enough, she would have seen the sadness in my eyes. Oh well. Men, here's a toast to you. Thanks for all the bitterness I'm feeling right now.

There were some really hot Italian (or was it Spanish?) guys too, who dropped by before flying off tonight. They left with a deep impression of my big, white smile and laughter. I even flirted with my boss. He came not once, not twice, but three times to our grounds! So, I couldn't help teasing him about him missing me too much.

But it was all harmless fun. I wouldn't even consider seriously flirting with any of my guests nor my colleagues. Romance is definitely out of the question for me right now. If he's not Brad Pitt, he's not worth my precious time. Why should I settle for frogs when I could have a prince? Why should I have a prince then? Because I'm worth it.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, February 16, 2006 @ 9:16 pm

Dear Blogger,

I was looking for inspiration today, but couldn't find any. Not from the books. Not from the internet. Not from the radio. Not even from the movies. I am kind of disappointed. Usually, the movies have offered me some inspiration. But today, inspiration seems to be nowhere to be found.

I miss school. I wanted to be back in school. But it's no longer about the things I want, is it? I know how it will go if I was in school. I wouldn't be able to concentrate as my mind would be thinking about a thousand things except the subject matter at hand. Because of that, I would upset myself. Then, I'd upset everyone else. I wouldn't be satisfied until everyone's miserable as I am.

I need to get out. I need fresh perspectives. I want to go to the airport. But... My life these days is full of buts. Blah blah blah, but... One day, I'm going to look and regret on a lot of things I didn't take the risks to do. But that's life, isn't it? Again, there's that but. Here's a thought. Would I be happier if my life is otherwise?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, February 15, 2006 @ 6:51 pm

Dear Blogger,

I didn't, no, couldn't go to school today because I didn't have any money and there was no one left at home to take care of my father. He was discharged last Monday. When I returned home at about 10 p.m. last night, he was crying out like a little boy. He was hungry. There was no one at home. I fixed him up a mug of Milo and offered some bread to go along with it. That was the best I could do with a baren kitchen.

He asked me a few minutes ago about selling the house. From the very beginning, downsizing isn't a good idea. Smaller apartments these days cost more than a bigger apartment, believe it or not. Of course, he hadn't forgotten to remind me what a loser I was. It just didn't matter that I'm breaking bones, sweat, tears and blood to make things right. It didn't matter that I'm slowly, but surely, going insane with the way things are going.

But he is still my father. Being the first-born child, I am obliged to bear this burden. In silence, no less. I am the very cliche spinster caregiver to a sick parent. Hey! I am no saint! But I'm trying to do the best I can as a daughter even though shit is piling up to my face faster than I could clean them up.

I know how he's feeling. He's feeling helpless, like I am right now. Both he and I are stubborn, proud creatures. We are workaholics. Sometimes, foolishly, but often times, because we feel responsible to do so. We are incredibly intelligent but we never learnt to maximise our potentials. There were so many times in our lives that we could smell success, but for whatever reason, we never reached out to grab it. We are alike in many ways, although we never publicily acknowledge it.

Din had asked me several times in the last few weeks, if I wanted to go out with him today. I haven't replied at all. I almost gave in though. However, as fate would have it, a gun-wielding, fat, Chinese murderer is on the loose. The whole police force is on alert and a manhunt is on right now. At least that's what I think he's doing since I've not heard anything from him today at all. Or, he could just be a jerk that he is. Who needs a pussy like him anyway.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, February 14, 2006 @ 6:06 pm

Dear Blogger,

I despise this day the way I despise my relatives from my father's side. It is a day when pretentious "love" rules. It is a day when prices for relatively insignificant objects of affection soars like there's no tomorrow. It is a day when gift-shop owners breathe a sigh of relief because today is the only day in the year when they can actually sell their products to love-sick guys. It sickens me.

I really didn't want to be out in the streets, but it is a working day still. What am I talking about? Everyday is a working day for me! Thank goodness that I don't have to be in town today. I'd probably drown in all that show of fake love and affection by those silly boys and girls. All that money wasted on dying flowers and diabetic-inducing chocolates. If they want to show real love, buy diamonds. If the "love" didn't work out, you can always sell away those diamonds.

It's already mid-term and I didn't even realise it. The school's administration is heckling me about my outstanding school fees. What is it with all these people? Always heckling me left, right, top and bottom. Don't they know that I am up to my forehead with problems already? Granted that some of them don't, but who wants to be in debt anyway? If I could afford it, I'd settle it all once and for all!

I am not joking about dropping out. I've no more motivation to continue. I've forgotten the initial motivation. I'm not getting any support from anyone. I'm getting shit even! So tell me why I should wake up, put on a fake smile, and go to school? I'm failing my modules anyway. Let in be known that I am a failure!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, February 12, 2006 @ 6:43 pm

Dear Blogger,

I came home from work hungry again, and the kitchen was bare. I've no more feeling. I've no more will. I don't want to do anything else. I want to do everything else. I want to scream. I want to stay silent. I want to sleep. I want to stay awake. I'm on the edge.

I've an accounting mid-term tomorrow, but I've no will to study. I've no will to study anything else either. What's the use? Nobody cares about learning anymore. It's all about the money.

I've resigned. To everything. You've won. I've lost.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, February 11, 2006 @ 11:24 pm

Dear Blogger,

I didn't have lunch nor dinner today because I didn't have any money. I only had instant noodles for breakfast. I tried to will away my hunger while working. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. I was tempted to ask Din for money and to fetch me from work. I hadn't done so. Yet.

I don't know how long I can take this. Not the hunger, but this whole situation with my dad. I'm expected to help out financially, but I'm burdened by my own financial troubles. It's not even mid-month and I'm already broke! What shall I do? What can I do?

Sometimes, I feel like giving up, but I can't! I have to be strong! I have to be calm and patient! But I'm weak!!! I'm fragile!!! I'm not superwoman! Will I be OK? I keep telling myself that I'll be OK, but I feel like I'm lying to myself. I feel the box closing in on me again. I want to cry in the dark corner. Just like when I was a child, I would cry under the bed, in the company of dusts and cobwebs.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, February 10, 2006 @ 10:15 pm

Dear Blogger,

I missed school again because I was still sick. I felt worse than yesterday. The cold tablets didn't seem like working but I didn't want to see my doctor. I suspected that he would prescribed the same cold tablets.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I had thought about my baby. It will be almost 2 years since the operation, but the whole experience is still fresh in my mind. You don't forget things like this, no matter how much you push the thought to the back of your mind.

I don't know what made me think of it. Perhaps it was because I was sick. I told you sickness makes me very dependent on love and attention. Damn it! I want to be strong! I don't want to depend on anyone!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, February 09, 2006 @ 10:34 pm

Dear Blogger,

I really wanted to go to school today, but the cold bug was too strong for me. I guess I needed to rest. I guess I've been working and worrying too much and I've not been listening to my body. Being sick is good because it's the fastest way to lose weight and my body gets a chance to recuperate. The bad thing is that I'd feel dependent and I yearned for love and attention. Something which I admit, I'm not getting any from anyone.

Since I was stuck at home, I made full use of my time by watching the Grammys "live". I loved the performances by Madonna and U2. The latter performed one of my all-time favourites, "One", with Mary J Blige. It's amazing how timeless and relevant that song still is.

Then there was John Legend who performed "Ordinary People". It's a simple but heartwrenching song. Everytime I hear that song, it reminded me of my relationship with Din. It was tumultuous but it had its good moments. I no longer speak to him now and I'm very sure that's for the better. But now that I'm sick, I just wanted him to hold me again.

Ordinary People - John Legend

Girl I'm in love with you
But this ain't the honeymoon
We've passed the infatuation phase

We're right in the thick of love
At times we get sick of love
It seems like we argue every day

I know I misbehaved
And you made your mistakes
And we've both still got room left to grow

And though love sometimes hurts
I still put you first
And we'll make this thing work
But I think we should take it slow

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cause we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow
Take it slow

This time we'll take it slow
Take it slow
This time we'll take it slow

This ain't a movie
No fairytale conclusion y'all
It gets more confusing every day

Sometimes it's Heaven sent
Then we head back to Hell again
We kiss then we make up on the way

I hang up, you call
We rise and we fall
And we feel like just walking away

As our love thing advances
We take second chances
Though it's not a fantasy
I still want you to stay

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cause we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow

Take it slow
This time we'll take it slow
Take it slow
This time we'll take it slow
Take it slow

Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay
Maybe you'll leave
Maybe you'll return
Maybe another fight
Maybe we won't survive
Maybe we'll grow
We'll never know
Baby you and I

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cause we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cause we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow

Take it slow
This time we'll take it slow
Take it slow
This we'll take it slow
Take it slow
This time we'll take it slow
Take it slow
This time we'll take it slow


Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, February 08, 2006 @ 5:39 pm

Dear Blogger,

I was such a dufus today! I woke up early as usual, all geared up to work out at the gym. When I reached the gym, I took off my clothes, and guess what? I brought the wrong exercise shorts! The ones in my bag was too tight! It could only reach my knees! I was only in the gym for 5 minutes. Sigh. It was just one of those days.

I think I may have to go for a medical check-up. I suspect that I've diabetes. The symptoms are there. I'm not being paranoid because my dad's in hospital for diabetes. But I've suspected it ever since my dad first confirmed the condition 15 odd years ago. I've googgled the symptoms recently and here are what I've found:

Symptoms of diabetes (from American Diabetes Association):
  1. Frequent urination
  2. Excessive thirst
  3. Extreme hunger
  4. Unusual weight loss
  5. Increased fatigue
  6. Irritability
  7. Blurry vision

I've symptoms 1, 2, 3 (I don't naturally have a huge appetite), 5 and 7. I couldn't drink water without running to the toilet right after. And all this drinking is irritating my throat!

Sincerely,
modgurl.


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Tuesday, February 07, 2006 @ 10:26 pm

Dear Blogger,

I've been so busy shuttling between school, work and hospital that I'm developing unhealthy eating habits. On some days, I hardly eat at all. On other days, I eat four, five times a day. After which, I'd feel guilty because (a) I had busted my diet, and (b) I had wasted my hard-earned money buying all these food.

I'm keeping myself sane by reading self-help books like how to manage time, how to stay motivated, etc. It didn't matter that almost all the books tell me the same things. Repetition is good, isn't it? One of my favourite places to look for books now is Bras Basah Complex. There are several bookshops there that sell used or second-hand books at dirt cheap prices. I've bought several books there at $1 each!

One of which is, "Exorcising Your Ex". Just the book I needed! Unlike other relationship books, this book doesn't try to preach about how the right guy will come along. Surprisingly, after reading the book, I have managed to ignore all of Din's and almost everyone else's messages and calls without feeling any guilt at all!

I hardly think of him nor any other guys anymore these days. Whenever he texts me now, I recite to myself, "Thou shall not reply his messages". This will be followed by, "Thou shall not return his calls". So far, this has been miraculously working.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, February 05, 2006 @ 7:35 pm

Dear Blogger,

I have decided to sell my car, but I don't know how. Should I leave it to the bank to handle everything? It seemed to be the easiest way out but I don't know. It may not necessarily be the most cost-effective way out. I guess, the faster I let go of my attachment to it, the lesser pain I'll feel. Like Morrie said, "Learn to detach".

I've just read "Tuesdays with Morrie". It was the only known book on the shelf. I don't think this Morrie existed. He's just too saint-like. Naturally, I'm cynical about some of his life's philosophies, but I've learning to be open-minded about other people's opinions.

Maybe I'm just not bothered to "discuss" these issues anymore. It's mentally exhausting and too many of my grey cells have been fried unnecessarily over the years. Besides, not many people appreciate a good discussion. Not many people think these days. Most say that they think all the time, but they are are being into believing that.

Our culture is feeding us all the time with this belief that more is good. So much so that we're not allowed to stand back and reflect. Is this the kind of world that I want to live in? I think not. It's a horrifyingly sad world to live in. This is not to say that I won't covet a fast car or jet-set lifestyle, but I don't want to be led to believe that that's THE way to live.

Anyway, this car had opened all my senses to the cruel and deceptive nature of mankind. When you're convenient, people will put up with all your nonsense. When you're not, they desert you like a leper. Perhaps that's why I feel no love for anybody.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, February 03, 2006 @ 9:22 am

Dear Blogger,

My siblings and I have this unspoken code. We don't swear at one another, verbally nor written. One of my brothers has broken that code. He swore and insulted me when I asked if he could help pay the car repair cost.

I didn't retaliate. I'm too mature for that. It hurts but I won't take it to heart. No matter how furious I am with my family, I don't swear at them to their faces. I may have issues but I don't consciously burden them with my issues.

Funny how a little wealth can change a person. Even if he's related by blood. When my car was functional, my brother didn't feel any qualms about using it, even though I worked day and night to maintain it. Mankind never fails to disappoint me these days.

Anyway, things have changed now. There is a higher chance that my father will not be physical able to return to work. He won't be able to drive with an amputed leg, will he? He doesn't know anything else but driving!

Big sacrifices will have to be made. Even after I sell my car, there are still the household utilities and maintenance to worry about. With my father in hospital and his inevitable physical disability, my mom has become the sole full-time employee in our family.

On paper, it seems simple enough to strip ourselves to the barest minimum. But life, cruel as it is, is never that simple. If we can't make ends meet, I'll have to really consider taking a break from school for awhile. Right now, I feel torn between what I want to do and what I'm required to do.

I need to clear my thoughts and soul, but I don't know how. Even God seems to have deserted me right now.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, February 02, 2006 @ 9:14 am

Dear Blogger,

Why do the hospitals here have to look so dreary? White is a good pure colour but after a while, the white will turn grey and dull. If I'm sick and I'll have to stay within these four walls, I'll be even more sick!

Patients need bright, cheerful colours! Even when death is inevitable, there is a higher chance that we'd die with a smile on our face if the walls were painted with the colours of the rainbow.

My father has his little toes of his left leg removed a few days ago. More will be removed if his blood won't flow into his foot. Some of the remaining left toes look like they've been frost-bitten, which is basically what it is!
Because no blood is flowing to that area, the toes are deprived of oxygen and carbon dioxide and wastes build up there. That explains the black, burnt look of frost bites.

This rationale didn't come from any doctor nor medical journals. I just thought that makes sense. I always knew that I'm a science person at heart.

Pity that I didn't pursue medical school. Not that I'm regretting it or anything. I'm discriminated against a medical degree because I came from a working class background and I'm female.

Besides, I'm hooked on forensic investigation. So what if medically, I'm not qualified? There is such a thing as computing forensic investigation. I attended a seminar on hacking the other day and I have to say, I can ethically hack my friend's computer now. Cool stuff!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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