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who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Thursday, January 19, 2006 @ 11:36 pm

Dear Blogger,

I was at the airport tonight to send off a friend. She's flying back to Turkey after a semester here. I thought I came at just a nice time, but I was still early. As soon as I stepped into the terminal, memories of my journey to Paris and Buenos Aires filled my mind with such intensity that I had forgotten why I was here for.

I have always loved the airport. It is one of the my many endearing icons which has inspired me, not just to dream, but to really soar to greater heights. It is here that I go to when I can't seem to find my direction in life. Some people go to the church, temple or mosque, but I go to the airport.

It was also here that I said the insignificant but life-changing words, "You are the most comfortable guy I've ever been with." Who would have thought that one of the most soap operatic love story of my life started at the airport?

Just being here made me want to fly out again. My restless spirit is at it again. I guess there's only so much you can take when you're stationed at a certain place for too long. I enjoy the independence. I enjoy getting myself lost in the different cultures. Travelling allows me to be a child again. A child never fails to wonder. A child never shies from making a fool of himself.

My sister just told me that my dad was referred to the nearby hospital for a day observation because of his diabetes. I'm not quite sure what happened but it started out with a gum ache and slight fever. His diabetes had been under control for over a decade. I guess his age and workaholic lifestyle has aggravated his condition.

He was advised to stay at the hospital this weekend for further observation. Even though I have not seen much of him this year, I don't think he likes the idea of not being able to work. He worries too much. Much more than I do! It may seem like I'm holding the whole world's weight on my shoulders, I'm actually learning to control my capabilities. He's too stubborn to even realise that you can do that.

How do I feel about all this? I don't know. I ought to feel something right? But I don't feel anything. Anything that's concrete anyway. Now I'm worried about my lack (or absence) of emotions. In the back of my mind, I think I might be denying my true feelings. This is worrying because it can be destructive. But seriously, on the whole, I feel nothing.

I guess, I anticipated this moment for quite some time already. He has been sick for a very long time. He's just been in denial about it. If he passes, I'll just keep on making myself even busier. I don't see myself crying or get depressed. I actually see myself being a colder bitch than before.

Well anyway, I might not have a birthday bash this year. We'll see how it goes.


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