modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006 @ 10:53 pm

Dear Blogger,

I worked 12 hours today because there was no one to relieve me. Furthermore, as I was cashiering today, I had to fork out $15 because my sales didn't tally! I am so tired. I am mentally tired and emotionally empty. Worse of all, I don't have anyone to share my feelings with! Noboby wants burden on their shoulders.

When people tell me that they understand my pain and suffering, I wonder, do they really understand? Most of the time, we say things that we don't mean and we don't realise the consequences when we say them. In the end, words become cheap.

It was one of the girl's birthday and the office celebrated it by surprising her with a birthday cake. I didn't join in because I was bitter. I didn't even receive a birthday card from them on my birthday. Well, I shouldn't blame them. I'm a new staff so they probably wouldn't know that last Saturday was my birthday.

I won't be as forgiving towards my family though. I didn't even receive a birthday greeting from any of them. But who am I to demand for a little attention when my dad's still in the hospital right? So what am I left with? My friends? I don't have friends.

I broke down last Friday because of all these bottled up feelings of disappointments, loneliness and worthlessness. I broke down at the worst possible place; in school. I had to hide at the furthest cubicle of a little girl's room. It's a cliche I know. I hyperventilated a little, but I didn't have an attack.

When I finally left the cubicle, my eyes were puffy and my face was red. Anybody could see and hear that I was crying, but everyone pretended to see nothing. I guess they would rather not notice it because they wouldn't know what to do if they did.

Nevertheless, I had to put up a brave front. I had to pretend to be strong. I had to put my smiling face on even when I'm tortured inside. I had to sound optimistic, rain or shine. If there's anyone who bothers to look at my face, he will see that behind that smile is a sad little girl who's crying her eyes out.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, January 30, 2006 @ 10:51 pm

Dear Blogger,

I've been coming home from work exhausted because my little workplace was swarmed by what looked like the entire foreign workers population. It used to be that most of the foreign workers were Thais. Now the Chinese and Indians (by this, I meant the Indians, Bangladeshis, Pakistanis, Sri Lankans and those alike. I'm going to get a lot of flak for grouping the Indians and Pakistanis altogether) share equal billing.

I used to show a little respect for them because our well-praised infrastructure was built by their hands. Let's face it! A Singapore-born working as a construction worker or coolie is as rare as spotting whales at East Coast. Even most of our domestic duties are done by foreign-born maids! It irritates me to meet anyone who doesn't even know how to wash dishes.

Anyway, the least we could do is not to call them names or suspect them of petty crimes without proof. I get very, very annoyed when people I know call these foreign workers names. It's racist! I don't understain the masses' disdain about these foreign workers. Without these people, us spoilt brats wouldn't even have roofs over our heads!

However, after working over the Chinese New Year holidays, I'm beginning to lose my patience with them. I don't understand why the Indians prefer to stand so close together, to the point that they're masturbating with one another.

As for the Chinese, they are just too dumb to realise that not everybody speaks Mandarin. Same goes for the Chinese tourists. They kept talking to me in Mandarin even though I've told them repeatedly, in English, that I don't fucking understand any fucking Mandarin! I may be blessed with fair skin and inherited some Chinese facial features, but I'm not Chinese!

Just because China has over a billion people and it's now a Big 5 economy, its people shouldn't assume that everyone else must be able to speak Mandarin. Oh the arrogance of it all! Will China be the next America? Will the pao bun outsell the hamburger? The thought itself is frighteningly not preposterous.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, January 28, 2006 @ 8:29 am

Dear Blogger,

I want to wish myself a Happy Birthday TODAY! Yes, yes, yes! Today, the 28th of January, is my birthday. I was born 26 years ago at the old KK Hospital at about 3.30 p.m.

A few days ago, my dad was telling my sis why we were all named as such. When I was born, he saw the face of a determined baby and he knew that I would grow up to be a hard-arsed bitch. He named me after a woman who was ostracised by her community and bore a son, who founded a major religion and even to this day, is worshipped by millions of followers.

Cool huh?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, January 27, 2006 @ 10:45 pm

Dear Blogger,

I couldn't do the Basic Mandarin test today even though I studied hard for it. My conversational Mandarin is pretty good for a beginner. Even my instructor was sorely surprised when I submitted the paper with so much blanks.

I was adequately prepared for the test but my mind just went blank as soon I received the paper. Not only that! I was 15 minutes late! I couldn't wake up on time because I was dreaming that I was taking the test!

I am so disappointed with myself. It has been a week of disappointments, hasn't it? And it's my birthday week. Is this how this year will turn out for me? Same thing happened last year, and the year before that, and the year before that, as well as the year before that. My year would start with a high and it went downhill all the way.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 1:10 am

Dear Blogger,

I sometimes wonder if the size of the penis is relative to the guy's feet. So far, my exceptionally talented past lovers were often tall and had big feet. Why the sudden thought of penises and feet? I can't help looking at people's feet now that I'm taking the train almost daily now. Seriously, besides looking outside, won't you be looking at other passengers' feet too?

It was some birthday party I had tonight. I had the couch and an unopened bottle of champagne all to myself. I had almost believed that this year, I was really going to have a swell birthday. How foolish I was. It was just like every other birthday I had! I was punctual but no one was there yet. 15 minutes... 30 minutes... 45 minutes... As much as I tried, I couldn't cheer myself up all night! I wanted to leave already.

Siren and friend came after an hour later, but the damage had been done. I had lost my bubbly self already. They bought me tiramisu in place of a birthday cake. That was sweet. We lighted our lighters and I sang a birthday song to myself. The tiramisu tasted alright but it couldn't do much to lift my spirits up. We had some really good fusilli and BBQ wings and of course, not forgetting the wine. That's it!

I just don't understand it! I may not be a popular person but I've been a really good friend, aren't I? I'm serious about friendships! So why do I feel so alone, on my supposed birthday?! Am I meant to be in this state? Yes I'm sad! Yes I'm disappointed! It's my fucking pre-birthday which I took the trouble to organise! I even designed the invitation myself! I had expected at most, a 5% turnout but this was just to disappointing for me.

I am sad. Too sad to even cry. No more tears to cry anyway. We left right after midnight. There was another group in the bar celebrating a birthday. Theirs was merrier, so I didn't want to stay any longer. I felt like walking. I managed to walk to Bugis. I could have kept on walking. Then I realised that I was wearing my 5 or 6-inch heels. Hailed a cab and dreamt that I was crying, all the way home. Every year, same shit.

Thanks to Siren and friend for coming down and trying to cheer me up with the tiramisu. You guys are OK.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, January 24, 2006 @ 10:53 pm

Dear Blogger,

Nothing beats stress better than by working harder. It's not just the stress. I think I'm pushing myself with activities so that I don't burden myself with thoughts of recent events. I guess you can say that I'm hiding under the faces of school and work. The realities do not appeal to me anymore. I'm slowly living in my own little fantasy world.

I finally visited my dad. I really didn't want to be there. Sick or well, he still gave me shit! There was awkward silence and it was killing me. I seriously wanted to leave just as soon as I had stepped in. I was right, wasn't I? My presence was a complete waste of time for everyone.

I hope my visit this time has stopped everyone from bugging me about visiting him. It's an insincere move on my part but hopefully I'll be left alone this time. But why do I have this nagging feeling that I won't be left in peace? It just seems like people will always want a piece of me.

Anyway, he's fine. Apparently, he had scalded his foot. When the foot over-swelled, the doctor thought that his blood isn't doing its job because of his diabetes. Unfortunately, it was because of his diabetes and age that he had to have some of his toes on that foot removed. Just so that whatever condition his foot had contracted doesn't spread to the rest of his leg.

Now I understood how Din felt when I was admitted years ago. He didn't visit me, not because he didn't care at all, but because he cared too much! Oh that's bullshit! He didn't care and that's it! I should really stop defending his every move.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, January 23, 2006 @ 10:54 pm

Dear Blogger,

I miss driving. For me, driving is the closest to flying. Driving is exciting because there is so much mental work involved. Just the pre-drive preparation alone requires you to make several choices and decisions!

When I'm behind the wheel, I feel like I've made it! That feeling of being in control of this fast machine is exhilirating. Of course driving can be frustrating at times, especially when it comes to parking. Driving can be expensive too. But just being able to cruise on the long roads is pure joy.

I've been asked several times today about how my father is doing. Honestly speaking, I don't know. I haven't visited him still. It's not that I don't care, but with my dad, public displays of emotions are disapproved!

I feel so pressurised to visit him, especially by my mom. But I don't want to go because I'm pressured to! It's so hypocritical to do so! What will I do there anyway? Nothing useful most definitely. My presence will be a waste of time for everyone.

My mom tried to emotionally blackmail me when I got home. Don't do that! I know damn well that he's sick! I'm not without feelings you know. I just can't and won't be pressurised to do something just because the rest of my family and the society as a whole expects me to.

The more effective way for me to make things better for everyone is to study well, graduate, secure a well-paying job and stay content with my life. Call me ungrateful or unfilial to my face all you want. I don't care!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, January 22, 2006 @ 6:06 pm

Dear Blogger,

My dad's still in the hospital and I still haven't visited him. My sister had asked if I'm ever going to visit him. I haven't replied. A part of me doesn't want to. Besides, I think today, my relatives are going to be there. I don't want to see any of them. I don't consider them part of my family at all. They're my parents' family. Just not mine.

It had been a very hot day at work. I couldn't stay energetic for long. I grew tired easily even though I made sure I kept myself dehydrated. I wanted to go home. I wanted to have a shower. I wanted to sleep. I wanted nothing to do with the world.

Then on the way home, after the train emerged from the tunnel, the sky was dark with heavy rain. I could barely see the towering buildings ahead. I felt cold. Too cold. I think the weather these days is a mess! It's as crazy as I am!

Then I felt angry. Angry at everything and everyone. I didn't want to care anymore. I was tired of having to carry the world's problems on my shoulders. They were getting too heavy for me. I wanted to run but there was no where to run. It was as if my ankles were strapped with incredibly heavy chains.

Unconciously, I touched my wrist. The scars were still there. I wanted to cry but no tears were formed. Even my tears have deserted me! God!!! AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I'm tired. I'm very, very tired. I want to sleep. Forever.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, January 21, 2006 @ 10:52 pm

Dear Blogger,

At work today, I felt so helpless because I couldn't help this particular guest very much. He was a crew member of one of the racing clipper yatchs that had stationed here for a stop-over. He had gone to catch the popular "The Magical Show" at the Musical Fountain. So he missed the last shuttle bus to the cove.

Since he didn't book any accomodation on the island, he had to return to his yatch. The regular internal shuttle buses do not go to the cove. The poor guy had to walk back from the nearest bus stop, in the rain! It's about a half an hour walk. What aches me was that he was deaf! I wasn't sure if he had understood my directions or if I had understood him! I wished I could drive him to his destination.

Nevertheless, I like my job. Surprisingly, despite my task-oriented nature, I enjoy talking to people and offering my assistance in which ever way I could. Isn't that what customer service is about? I'm actually having fun in this job. Of course, I've only barely worked here a month. So it could be too soon to tell if I really enjoy working here.

When I got home, there was nobody around. My sister had just informed me that my dad was warded. Something to do with his leg. His diabetes is worsening. I don't know what time he was warded. Even though my sister had told me about it last night, she didn't confirm it with me today. No one did.

In a way, I guess I'm feeling alienated. At the same time, I don't think my presence would make things better. My father and I haven't been on speaking terms for quite some time. In fact, I don't think we have ever really communicated. We are both strong-willed and stubborn people. That's why I'm at home instead of the hospital.

I can't tell this to anyone. I felt like I can't tell anyone. I don't want people to pretend to listen to me. Even worse, I don't want them to pretend to care. There are so many people in my life who pretend to be my friends. I don't want to be with them right now. I'd rather be alone than be with fake friends and lovers. I might even give my birthday a miss.

I wrote to Tag-Board last night about why the posts in my tagboard kept being deleted. This was the reply given:

"The entries are being deleted due to the high amount of new customers and huge volume of new posts. Due to the high increase, the server is being seriously overloaded and at some point may crash. I need to delete entries due to the server overload problem. I am currently working on the new version of the tagboard that will eliminate the server overload problem. I will post new tagboard within a 1-2 weeks. But please bear with me for couple more days. I am very sorry for what is happening."

So now, it's back to the old tagboard.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, January 19, 2006 @ 11:36 pm

Dear Blogger,

I was at the airport tonight to send off a friend. She's flying back to Turkey after a semester here. I thought I came at just a nice time, but I was still early. As soon as I stepped into the terminal, memories of my journey to Paris and Buenos Aires filled my mind with such intensity that I had forgotten why I was here for.

I have always loved the airport. It is one of the my many endearing icons which has inspired me, not just to dream, but to really soar to greater heights. It is here that I go to when I can't seem to find my direction in life. Some people go to the church, temple or mosque, but I go to the airport.

It was also here that I said the insignificant but life-changing words, "You are the most comfortable guy I've ever been with." Who would have thought that one of the most soap operatic love story of my life started at the airport?

Just being here made me want to fly out again. My restless spirit is at it again. I guess there's only so much you can take when you're stationed at a certain place for too long. I enjoy the independence. I enjoy getting myself lost in the different cultures. Travelling allows me to be a child again. A child never fails to wonder. A child never shies from making a fool of himself.

My sister just told me that my dad was referred to the nearby hospital for a day observation because of his diabetes. I'm not quite sure what happened but it started out with a gum ache and slight fever. His diabetes had been under control for over a decade. I guess his age and workaholic lifestyle has aggravated his condition.

He was advised to stay at the hospital this weekend for further observation. Even though I have not seen much of him this year, I don't think he likes the idea of not being able to work. He worries too much. Much more than I do! It may seem like I'm holding the whole world's weight on my shoulders, I'm actually learning to control my capabilities. He's too stubborn to even realise that you can do that.

How do I feel about all this? I don't know. I ought to feel something right? But I don't feel anything. Anything that's concrete anyway. Now I'm worried about my lack (or absence) of emotions. In the back of my mind, I think I might be denying my true feelings. This is worrying because it can be destructive. But seriously, on the whole, I feel nothing.

I guess, I anticipated this moment for quite some time already. He has been sick for a very long time. He's just been in denial about it. If he passes, I'll just keep on making myself even busier. I don't see myself crying or get depressed. I actually see myself being a colder bitch than before.

Well anyway, I might not have a birthday bash this year. We'll see how it goes.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, January 16, 2006 @ 8:31 am

Dear Blogger,

It's a fresh new day of a fresh new week. I came early to school only to find out that the class was cancelled. So here I am at Cafe Galilee, overlooking a great view of the city and sipping fresh brew coffee. After my hectic schedule last week, this feels like heaven.

I miss quiet, peaceful mornings like this. Although I wished I was still in bed, the coffee and the warm sun makes up for it nicely. I'm not even lighting up a ciggie! That's just wonderful isn't it? Do you know what could top this? A nice, loving morning kiss from the man I love. Oh well! I can only dream about that.

As I was walking along the shop boulevard to school, I couldn't help but notice how big and perky my butt was. When I look at the female butts walking in front of me, they look big but flat. Mine's perky! Must be all that stairmasters I've been doing at the gym. Fancy that! Me having butts as big as J Lo!

A few days ago, there was a medical report by the local Obstetrician and Gynaecology Society (OGS). It advised women to have their first child before 30. I wondered if it included women who conceived their first child before 30 and had it aborted.

I think the whole God-damned world knows how much I wanted children. Perhaps, instead of advising us women to want to have kids, all these doctors, social workers and government should educate the men instead. In fact, I think there should be a law against irresponsible men who fathered a child!

Why should only the women attend counselling for an abortion procedure? It should be made compulsory for both father and mother to attend counselling. Both parents should be informed of the consequences of unwanted pregnancy as well as parenting. I'm telling you! The more I realised how men have it easy for them, the more I want them castrated.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, January 13, 2006 @ 10:33 pm

Dear Blogger,

I feel so tired today. Since Wednesday, I had a hard time waking up early, but I just blamed it on the cold, heavy rain. Well, the rain has finally stopped and I was still late to class! By about half an hour! Again, I have no one or nothing to blame on except me.

It was supposed to be just a short chill-out at Liberte last night. Two hours max! I ended up chit-chatting with the staff and some of its guests. Before I knew it, I've already drowned three glasses of white wine and the clock showed half past midnight. Since I wasn't driving, I had to submit myself to the harsh ride of the public transport.

I was tipsy but I wasn't drunk yet. It was only after I've sat in the bus that my stomach felt quesy. I knew what was coming but there was no way I was going to throw up in the bus! Somehow, I managed to control the increasingly nauseous feeling for over an hour, and I finally threw up in the comfort of my green-walled toilet.

Anyway, I think my body has been trying to tell me for several days now that I need to slow down and relax. Ever since the new year, I've been out of the house early, often without any decent breakfast, and only came back home when it's close to midnight. This is how my average week looks like:

Monday
Morning: School
Afternoon: Work
Night: Work

Tuesday
Morning: Work
Afternoon: Work
Night: Tuition

Wednesday
Morning: Gym
Afternoon: School
Night: Tuition

Thursday
Morning: School
Afternoon: School
Night: Work

Friday
Morning: School
Afternoon: Gym/Tuition
Night: Tuition

Saturday
Morning: Work
Afternoon: Work
Night: Work

Sunday
Morning: Work
Afternoon: Work
Night: Work

Looks packed huh? Of course I have some free time here and there but they're just a few hours in between activities. When I'm out there, even my meal times have to be shared with either school or work. I'd be taking a few bites, then I'll do continue my work, after which, I'll take a few bites again. It's not a good eating habit I know but I find myself at a loss when I'm forced to actually sit down for a meal and do nothing else but eat.

I've been quite disciplined about working out at the gym. I felt that the only thing that has happened to my body ever since I stepped foot into the gym is my aching muscles. That's good isn't it? After a long hibernation, my muscles, and not forgetting my lung and heart, have finally woken up to the impacts of the weights.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, January 12, 2006 @ 1:28 am

Dear Blogger,

After chilling out over beer, despite the heavy downpour here in the east, my despise for men has intensified. A friend of a past complicated fling joined in for the chill-out and he soon started reminding me of that person's existence. I haven't really thought about that person until he came along.

From what I've heard tonight, that person is still the same arsehole of a player. After what happened last year, I had expected him to be more involved as a family man. Instead, he has become smarter in not getting caught again. I guess, a leopard never changes its spots.

Surprisingly, some guys actually want to be like him! It's all a game to these boys. It doesn't matter if there are casualties in this game. It's all about scoring! I refuse to be part of this game anymore. It was fun and thrilling in the beginning. Never did I expect that I will be badly burnt by it. I live but I'm eternally scarred.

I pity his wife. I think she deserves so much better. If only she could see that instead of blindingly accusing me of stealing him away. I never asked for his devotion. He just came into my life and I couldn't dump him no matter how much I tried!

Anyway, that was in the past. If the past still catches up with me, I simply have no choice but to just grin and bear it. It's just one of those things which I've to live with. I despise men for the games they play. I despise them even more for their ability to get away with it.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, January 09, 2006 @ 11:18 pm

Dear Blogger,

Here I am at McDonald's close to midnight. I've had a long day but I didn't want to go home just yet. I didn't want to be forced to listen to anymore of his abusive nonsense. Besides, I feel like working. I'm motivated to just keep myself busy. I know I will burn out soon but what the heck! I'm tryng to kill myself anyway.

I am still amazed at how persistent Din is even though I've sent him countless hate letters and break-up notices. He just wished me "Selamat Hari Raya sayang". It annoys me that he still calls me that. Not that it matters to me anymore. I just wish he'd stop doing that. Is he daft or what?

I almost forgot that tomorrow is Aidiladha or Hari Raya Haj, the most important celebration in the Muslim calendar. It has more religious significance that Aidilfitri or Hari Raya Puasa. Most local non-Muslims wouldn't know that looking at how much money we throw into Aidilfitri.

Aidiladha is the day when we commerate Prophet Abraham's faith in Allah when he was commanded by the Almighty to sacrifice one of his two sons as a test of his faith. When Abraham was about to sacrifice his son, Allah substituted his son to a sheep.

If I was given such a command, I don't think I could do it. When I was 10 or 12 years old, I was sent to sacrifice a sheep. As I stood above the sheep which was held by several men, with a knife in my hand, I couldn't do what was required of me. I tried and tried to summon my strength to slice the sheep's neck, but I just stood there frozen. That just showed how much faith I had. I didn't eat red meat for several years after that.

I'm not going to stay at home tomorrow or join anyone for the prayers. I'm just going to work. I don't want to be with any of my family members. At this moment, I despise them all, especially my father. He had told me to settle down right after I graduate and find my own place. I will definitely leave that miserable house but I won't marry anyone. You could say that I'm saying this out of spite but I won't marry anyone just because he told me to.

I'm on my own now. I laugh and cry on my own now. I don't wish for anyone to share my happiness (if I've found one) simply because none has done anything to credit it. I'm cold, literally and figuratively. This is what I've become, thank you very much.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, January 08, 2006 @ 9:56 pm

Dear Blogger,

I have often wondered if today's cold and wet weather was due to my crying last night. It still hasn't stopped raining. Despite the continuous rain, the mall is still jam-packed. I usually won't step into a mall unless I really have to. Today, I had to buy my face wash from The Body Shop. I ended up buying a pair of ear studs too. Damn I hate shopping!

I'm starting to feel tired. I'm working too hard but not playing enough. You know what I would like to have as a birthday present? A full-time wealthy lover. Not married of course. No strings attached kind of involvement. Just great sex 2 - 3 times a week. I might as well hire myself a male escort.

Tonight's "Oprah Primetime" featured child sex trafficking. CNN's acclaimed Christiane Amanpour did an investigative feature on child sex trafficking in U.S. As always with issues like this, it affected me. There was an account from a Tibetan woman who was picked out as teenager by a minister (man of God, not the political one) to be sent to America, apparently on a good education pretense.

A few weeks after she arrived in America, the minister turned her into his sex slave. No one expected him to be this monster because he had a wife and child and he was an employee of the church. The Tibetan woman brought the point home when she said that sexual abusers come in all shapes and forms. No one is really who they seem to be.

When I did the Batam volunteer stint a few years ago, I learnt that men who approach professional sexual services do not have a typical face. These men can look like your best friend's father or any of your male relatives. Not that there's anything wrong about fraternising such services. As long as it's within the law! For God's sake guys, go for young women above 21 years old please! Also, please insist on contraceptives. If you're going to live dangerously, make condoms your best friend.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, January 07, 2006 @ 11:11 pm

Dear Blogger,

I really hate my father! I really hate this household! He is driving me to mental suicide and he doesn't even realise it. I feel like a ticking time bomb. Everytime something abusive comes out of his mouth, my mind screams out to silence it but my mouth stays shut feigning oblivion. One of these days, I am just going to go off on a shooting rampage or something.

The demented Jack Nicholson in "Anger Management" said that there are two types of angry people: Explosive and implosive. The explosive ones let out their anger everytime something triggers it. The implosive ones push aside their anger until they end up being mass murderers. No prizes guessing which type I belong to.

While in the shower, I had this vision in my mind that I was pregnant. I was not sure who the father was. Possible that I could not even remember who the father was. I ran away from home not because I was afraid for myself, but because I was afraid for my unborn child.

After the abortion, I really wanted to keep this baby. I didn't care much about what other people thought of it. I went to class as normal. Then one day, while presenting a project, I felt pain in my womb. There was blood flowing down my legs. When I woke up at the hospital, the baby was gone. I was so devasted that I killed myself.

That was some vision huh? My teachers had always told me that I have quite a vivid imagination. What I see in my head sometimes seem too real. Give me a reason why I should carry on. God is playing with me you know. He thinks it's funny that I'm miserable. He is as cruel as that little boy who pokes a cockroach with a stick until he crush it with his shoe when he's finally bored with it.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, January 06, 2006 @ 11:40 pm

Dear Blogger,

I finally hit the gym in school today. I must say that the student welfare people really invested a lot on ensuring that SMU students are well-rounded and healthy student. The gym was damn swanky for school. It doesn't have the spa facilities of the commercial gyms that are sprouting in town like mushrooms, but I won't be surprised if the school opens up one soon.

I can't wait for the pool to be opened. Apparently, it's a roof-top pool. I miss swimming. I'm not a good swimmer and I have never been able to do laps but just soaking myself in the water does wonders to the soul. I used to swim regularly at the old campus. The pool complex next to the old Bukit Timah campus belonged to the NIE School of Physical Education. Even though SMU students can use it for free, it didn't feel welcoming somehow.

The schedule is quickly being filled up either with school or work. There are a few hours here and there for leisurely activities but they're not convenient hours for socialising with friends. Now that Liberte bar offers free flow wine for ladies on Thursdays, I don't think this lack of social bonding will bother me much. Like I said, I'm getting used to self-entertainment.

I despise coming home early these days. I hate to be home when my dad's home and awake. His bullshit gets worse by the day and it's drilling its way to the core of my sanity. When you've been out the whole day working your arse off to make ends meet, you just want to go home and be left in peace. Not in my household. There's so much bad air in this house, any Tom, Dick and Harry can be choked by it.

I despise men.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, January 05, 2006 @ 11:42 pm

Dear Blogger,

Today was my first day in school for this new semester. While most looked happy to see their friends again, I just felt annoyed really. I guess it's because I felt like I've never fitted in with the school crowd. It's like Junior College all over again. I was a misfit. I couldn't even fit in with the other misfits! I was this friendless girl bouncing from one group to another.

By now, you could see the clicks have been formed. I loath this especially since the bulk of schoolwork is group project-based. It's not that I've not tried to get along. I get along just fine I think. I just couldn't blend in. I stick out like a sore thumb. It's definitely me. I don't see anyone else in school who's an outcast like me.

Then I had a meeting with my Youth Committee in the evening. God knows how much I wanted to quit this. I just don't see any more point to hang around with people who don't believe in the cause as much as I do. I really want the Youth Committee to be out there working for the rights of young people's sexual and reproductive health. I want them to educate and inform our pampered youths that we do have youth issues that are on the rise and if not dealt now, it may become a national crisis!

Call it a lost crusade. I'll forever be passionate about something which has no grateful return. It's my curse to always want to make the world a better place. Perhaps, the world itself doesn't want to be better. It rather destroy itself with wars, hunger, poverty and discrimination.

As I sat thinking about my life over glasses of white wine and ciggies at Liberte bar, I realised how much energy I've wasted trying to achieve an impossible goal. I've become a bitter humanitarian with a battered up heart. I've lost hope.

The scars on my wrist are still visible. Reminders of how desperate I was to escape. I've been thinking about it a lot. I didn't even realise there were hot tears flowing down my cheeks. As I recall that night, in the hotel room bathroom, a naked girl was trying to cut her wrist as deep as she could to where that vital vein was. But she couldn't cut deep enough. There was blood but not lethal enough.

But what if...

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, January 04, 2006 @ 11:33 pm

Dear Blogger,

I watched "Wallace and Gromit" today. I've always wanted to watch this clay duo on screen since they won Oscars a few years ago. I wasn't disappointed. The story was hilarious and it was much smarter than most Hollywood movies that have been produced recently. Even though Dreamworks co-produced it, I was glad that Nick Park was adamant about making the movie true to its British culture.

You just have to look at "Memoirs of a Geisha" to see what a botched up job Hollywood has done to a literary classic. Leave it to the Americans to stereotype all fair-skinned Asians to be the same. How could a Chinese be mistaken for a Japanese is beyond me. The lead casting was really crap. I suspect Zhang Ziyi was given the lead role because she's the most prolific Asian actress than most Americans know. But that's just me. I never liked Zhang Ziyi anyway.

Not that I've watch "Memoirs of a Geisha". Everytime I was forced to watch the trailer, I could feel bile forming in the pitts of my stomach. However, if I was ever required to watch the movie as if my life depended on it, I'd watch it because of Gong Li. This is another prejudiced reason of mine. I like Gong Li. I think she's a classy actress.

School hasn't really started for me. It'll start tomorrow with two lessons back-to-back. Thursdays will be my heaviest day of the week for fifteen to sixteen weeks. I think I scheduled that on purpose. Looking at my schedule now, I have morning classes on Thursdays and Fridays. That means, no late Ladies Night out for me. It's not like I won't totally miss out on Ladies Nights. I just have to be home before midnight. I don't know how long I can resist the temtation though.

I don't know if I'm taking on too much. I'm practically working every day. I have classes Mondays through Fridays except on Tuesdays. I guess I didn't want to have the time to think about men, relationships, marriages and all that stuff. Some might say that by making myself too busy, it won't be healthy. It's not like I've eliminated social activities. I do hang out with friends when they ask me out. It may not be often but it does happen.

Besides, I'm going to be 26 soon. Life's too short to worry about such things too much. I'm making my life shorter with all that smoking and drinking. Then again, I am on the path of a slow suicide. Why live longer when you experience more pain than joy? So what if I don't get to do what I set out to do? At least I've tried to do some of them.

I have this sudden urge to buy shoes. I saw some really killer affordable stilletoes while window shopping earlier in the afternoon. I ended up buying a bag because that was my initial intention anyway. I should have never attempted window shopping. It awoke my inner shopaholic demon.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, January 02, 2006 @ 5:07 pm

Dear Blogger,

The world had celebrated the arrival of 2006. Singaporeans too lapped the bubblies and the fireworks as if this was the first time they had been invited to such a party. Being at Sentosa for the countdown, working is more like it, I realised that there is nothing new to this party or any other party that was being held in other parts of this Lion City.

As the clock ticked to the anticipated midnight, I felt indifferent. When midnight finally came, the winds of 2006 never blew my way. Where were my new year greetings? Where were my new year kisses? A few seconds into the so-called new year, I felt like the loneliest girl in the world already. My phone didn't ring. There were no messages. There was only me.

But since I was working, I had no choice but to force a smile on my face. I had to pretend that I was enjoying myself. It didn't matter that I was working 12-hour shift that night. I had a job to do and one of the requirements of the job was that I was supposed to have fun. Pretty hard to do when you're forgotten.

2 days of public holiday and what did I do? Nothing. I was a bum through and through, and it shows in the size of my butt. As much an inner feminist as I am, society's ideals of beauty really bother me. I'm not tall. I'm not slim. I'm not classically beautiful. I'm short-sighted. I have frizzy, curly hair. I'm hideous!

That brains over beauty nonsense is just... nonsense! I'm too smart. I'm not smart enough. I'm a snob. I'm arrogant. I don't have the prerequisite EQ. I'm made to feel guilty because I'm a university student or because I'm still a student. When I'm not a student, I'm not earning enough.

I just wish I can be accepted for who I am and the way I am, temperaments and all. It's just my curse that I have this need to please everybody. The satisfaction from doing this is short-lived but I don't really know why I must do it. Why do we do things that we know are just plain stupid? I wish I don't have to feel anymore. It's really a pain to be able to feel.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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