modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Friday, December 30, 2005 @ 8:25 pm

Dear Blogger,

I've been so busy of late that I become too tired to blog at the end of the day. Things are looking up for me (not in the romance front though), but I don't know how long this renewed energy I've been having will last. I'm trying to lead a healthier lifestyle these days. I'm smoking less, drinking less and hanging out late at nights less. I try to catch as much sleep as I possibly can and I try not to dwell too much on my miserable state. I'm even planning to use the gym at school, now that it's finally opened, at least once a week!

However, at Momo last Wednesday night, I couldn't help but think of KP. I missed his company. I even missed his crazy dancing! But you know what? Fuck him! He didn't even try to make an effort to work out the friendship. I didn't quite enjoy myself at Momo that night, but I wasn't miserable either. My bartender helped me with that by drowning me with too much bourbon. God bless him!

The year's almost ending. I'll be counting down the new year at Sentosa's beach party. I don't know anyone who'll be there too but it doesn't matter. If I meet someone there, then I'll meet someone. If I don't, then I won't. This is my first countdown at Sentosa and come to think of it, it'll be my first real countdown party. Last year was more like to support just another gig by you know who.

In restrospect, 2005 was just another roller-coaster year for me. Someone said I'm a living, breathing soap opera. He's right. Then again, isn't everyone else's life a soap opera too? Mine just happened to be summarised in black and white. Have I changed? I'm definitely older and perhaps a little wiser. Not necessariy when it comes to men, but that isn't my fault. The more I resent them, the more they come flocking to me!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, December 26, 2005 @ 11:58 pm

Dear Blogger,

I went to watch "King Kong" tonight, at the nearby cinema, alone. I decided to watch it alone because by the time I wait for someone to be available or even interested to watch, the movie will be over. I knew what will happen if I watch it alone. I'd be sad. But I won't be miserable. I simply won't allow myself to be pitiful anymore.

The movie was alright. It was action-packed and some scenes were scary. However, in overall, I think it's a sad movie. I don't like sad movies. I don't like leaving the cinema feeling sad. I don't get over sadness easily. It's worse since I came alone. There was no one to cheer me up after that. There was no one to squeeze my hand in reassurance. I didn't cry though. I guess I've run out of tears to cry.

I was contemplating since Christmas Eve whether to watch this movie. I don't like to go out alone. So, I've been home since. Then today, for the whole day, I couldn't shake the thought off. It was driving me nuts!

"Go!"
"No, don't go!"
"Don't wait for others!"
"Better to stay home..."
"No one will ever be available for you..."

So, I decided to get it over and done with. So what's a few hours of loneliness right? It wasn't like I've to pay for the ticket. It was complimentary for completing a survey! The only thing which I've regretted was not buying those nachos. I always have nachos while watching a movie at the cinema. I don't know why I didn't have it this time. Now I want nachos.

Also, there should be a law against children in the cinema except when it's showing cartoons. The rating for "King Kong" explicitly mentioned disturbing scenes but do some parents bothered to be concerned? NooOooOOooOOOoo... They just had to bring their kindergarten-going kids along. Just a few seconds of the Skull Island scene and there were kids crying their lungs out.

There was this one particular kid behind me. I think he's in primary school. He didn't cry but he couldn't keep his damn mouth shut! He didn't even bother to whisper! Everytime I turned my head to show disapproval, his brother or sister purposely kicked my chair. Since I was in no mood to create a scene, I just prayed that there's such as thing as karma.

Whoever said that Singaporeans are gracious people should be jailed for perjury. Singaporeans are NOT gracious! We even need a campaign to be gracious! Actually, we need a campaign for everything. Who can forget the courtesy campaign? My favourite is definitely the "Romancing Singapore" campaign. We need the government to tell us when to fall in love. Geez! I see no future for us.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, December 24, 2005 @ 11:24 pm

Dear Blogger,

I've just watched "Ocean's Eleven" on telly. It was by coincidence really. After working at my desk for several hours, my back was killing me. So I grabbed a snack and switched on the telly. I must say that I am so into Brad Pitt now. Ever since "Mr and Mrs Smith", he looked more and more charismatic. I never really fancied him that much before. Sure, I enjoyed his movies, like the classic "Fight Club" and "Seven" but I never looked a him the way most women looked at him.

In a rather disturbing way, I was glad that he was seeing Angelina Jolie. Why disturbing? Because he was cheating on Jennifer Aniston. But I never liked Jenn. She stole him from Gwynneth Paltrow! When Brad was seeing Gwynnie, I thought they were such an adorable couple. Then, Jenn came along and married him. I guess history repeats itself huh? Who'd better steal him away from her than Ms Jolie herself. She's still, to me, one damn hot mama!

Have I mentioned that I dreamt about a threesome with Angie and Brad? That was months ago, before "Mr and Mrs Smith" was released. Well anyway, Brad looks better as he ages. He's what? Past 40 now? This is probably me and my fascination with older guys talking. In "Troy", he was just a beefcake. Even with those naked scenes of his. In "Mr and Mrs Smith", he just took my breath away. That suave presence in the first few scenes just did it for me.

Enough of Brad. What am I doing home on Christmas Eve? I've been asked to paint the town red by some girlfriends, but I politely declined. I'm still sick, but more than that, I just don't feel like partying. It's less fun now without a party buddy. Besides, I don't think I can keep my spirits up for long once I see couples making out on the dance floor.

Yes, I do feel lonely. I should be out there getting myself wasted but what good will that do? My prince charming still hasn't knocked on my door and there's only about a month left before I vow for permanent singlehood status. These days, I can't meet anyone who's neither married nor divorced nor with child. I can't even experiment with homosexuality because I'm deemed too straight by the gay community.

I was made to think about my future this evening. I'll be 28 by the time I graduate. Will I be too old to start my career? Will the employers out there consider me too old to be hired? Will I have wasted 4 years of study? Will this qualification I'm pursuing be wasted?

Let's be honest here. I'm not in my early 20s anymore. Many people I know were pretty surprised that I decided to study again at my age. Everytime, someone does that, it made me feel like I've made the wrong choice. Even my dad has asked me to graduate quickly and get a real job. It's really hard when you're not getting support from people who matters. It just makes the tough seems tougher.

But I'm here now. I just have to live one day at a time. I can't seem to see any light from the end of the tunnel but I still have to go through life, even when it's bitter. Just grin and bear it baby. Grin and bear it. I've no one else to depend on except myself. If I sound self-absorbed, then great! It's about time I give myself my utmost attention.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, December 23, 2005 @ 10:21 pm

Dear Blogger,

I finally went to Cycle & Carriage to settle my car repair matters. Initially, the workshop charged me $9,000++, including labour. After pushing the manager and insisting that I speak to his superior to relook at the costing, he reduced it to about $3,000, including labour. That made me breathe a little.

Who would in his right mind afford to pay about $10, 000 for car repairs? I know I definitely can't afford that amount. If I wasn't an aggressive person by nature, I'd probably be stupid enough to accept that price quoted and kill myself over it afterwards. This experience made me believe that there's no such thing as a limit to push one's luck.

While there, I met a friend who was there to have his Lancer checked for a minor problem. He was the brother of one of my girlfriend's boyfriend. We met at Momo incidentally. I may not remember names but I do remember faces you know. Often times, I'd even remember where, when and how we met.

Anyway, we bought our cars at about the same time and he shared with me tips on where to go and what to do when I need to get my car repaired. The thing about owning cars is that, you really need to have a network of car owners. You don't get most of these car tips from books or journals. They come from experiences. Being a young car owner, building up a network like this is really helpful.

I wonder if he's married or had been married. Does he have kids? He was serving in the police force for his National Service. I'm no longer surprised by that. I'm still a police-magnet. As you can see, I've added more criteria in my list of "What to ask a guy you've just met". I don't think I can handle anymore "I'm married" or "I'm divorced" or "I have a child" shocks.

It's a very cold, rainy day. This is our consolation to living in a tropical country where white Christmases are unheard of. I hate going to town, especially Orchard Road, because the whole stretch of the shopping belt is chokeful of people! I hate people. I hate crowds! They make me feel claustrophobic. And usually, they're not friendly.

The only thing interesting about being with crowds is that you'll get to see the ugly side of people. The impatient becomes more impatient. The unreasonable becomes more unreasonable. The rude becomes ruder. This is the period where Singapore's aim of achieving world-quality service standards are truly tested. Having experienced working in the service industry, I think this is the time when service staff should really be awarded for sainthood or something.

I'm not sure if it was the glasses of vodka I drank last night, or the horribly cold atmosphere today (I don't understand why almost every building I've been to today have to blast their air-conditioning to the max), i'm feeling sickly. I'm suffering from flu-like symptoms, minus the fever. I've been popping cold tablets like nobody's business. There is just no way I'm going to be ill on New Year's Eve!

I haven't smoked in close to 2 weeks now, except for that one ciggie I had with Siren a few days ago. I haven't bought any new packs, even though I was tempted to often. I've been leaving my pack and lighter at home so I won't be tempted even more to light up. It's not that I'm on the path to quit smoking. It's just that I don't want to smoke.

My bulimia's back. I've not been eating much since I came back from Malaysia. When I do feel like eating, the food ends up in the toilet bowl. I have been drinking gallons of water though. It's probably all that induced vomitting that's making my throat dry so often. But it's good. All that drinking is making me urinate more. Thus, it flushes out the toxins in my body. My doctor should be partially proud of me. That reminds me. I haven't seen him in a while.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, December 22, 2005 @ 3:27 pm

Dear Blogger,

Last night, I was out with an old fling. I haven't met him in months and that was because I didn't want to. I don't know why I decided to meet him last night. It was so obvious what he actually wanted to do. I'm cool with it if you're honest with me. It really pisses me off when guys start serenading me or pretend to be my friend when in fact they just want to get my panties off.

Anyway, I remembered why I wasn't so thrilled to meet him all these time. He's small! All that time he was, err... humping, I was trying to remember how to fake it. I seriously couldn't remember how to fake it! I've faked the whole experience so often that I thought I was a master at it already. But last night, I just forgot.

At the same time, I was biting my lip to prevent myself from blurting, "You're fucking small! I can't feel you man! Stop asking if I've reached orgasm!" This particular guy is uber-sensitive, so I had to be careful of what comes out of my mouth. He was still sore when I didn't like his music video, which I've confessed months ago. That guy can really hold a grudge.

Halfway through, I was thinking of my vibrator. That small device can do better than this guy. That small device can actually make me reach orgasm! And I don't even have to fake it! Then I thought, even Din is a better lover than this guy! But no one, I mean, no one yet, can top D. He's still the best lover I've had so far.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, December 19, 2005 @ 11:16 pm

Dear Blogger,

KP accused me of discriminating him earlier this afternoon. He accused ME of discriminating him! He was the one giving me the cold shoulder and he dared to me accuse of that??? I've tried to mend the broken bridge last week by asking him out not once, but three times, yet he either didn't reply or declined. Am I the unreasonable one here?

I really cannot understand men. Perhaps they are not supposed to be understood. Does it mean that I've to accept them the way they are? Honestly, why should I when men can literally get away with murder? I was upset because he was very cold towards me, that's all! I'm female for God's sake! You can't be cold towards a female!

Am I supposed to feel guilty about that? I think not! I was in need of emotional support. He couldn't give it to me. Was I upset? Of course I was! He was supposed to be somewhat like a best friend. Did he ask if I was alright? No! Did he send greetings? No! I don't even care anymore that he didn't even invite me to his birthday party but it hurts tremendously that he didn't explain why.

I'm not unreasonable. If he wants to open up lines of communication again, he is free to do so. But don't expect me to initiate it. It's enough that I braved myself up to tell him that I liked him. I don't wish to further boost his ego by initiating contact. In moments like this, I just wish that every penis in the world would just drop off.

Can someone please enlighten me why guys like him behave that way? What exactly are they trying to tell me? Someone told me this afternoon that guys just want to get laid. Not KP. I seriously think he's a closet gay. Anyway, the more guys I meet, the more wary I become of them. They're really not helping themselves by doing this to me.

I made a list yesterday comparing him against Din and D. The only thing common between them is their ego. There were close similarities but I can't reveal them. One thing's for sure. They've all gotten me eating out of their hands and I was stupid enough to indulge them.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, December 18, 2005 @ 10:32 pm

Dear Blogger,

I woke up early today because I had to get to the SPPA office by 8 a.m. I had to get the stuff from the office and transport it to Toa Payoh South Community Club for the Sunday market. We were going to sell flowers, polo shirts, bookmarks and collar pins to raise funds for our projects next year.

Since I am still the President of this Youth Committee and perhaps the only active member left, I have to find ways to keep this youth wing going. The overall President is after my head but seriously, he can go and shit himself! I don't see him doing anything to get funds or increase the membership base.

The sale was alright. There wasn't much people traffic and the day was long. Nevertheless, I tried to see an opportunity in anything. We got connected with the organiser of the Sunday market and we realised that they too were young virgins in organising events for the community. There was potential in a collaboration.

I sat down and out of boredom, I got my brain working on possible activities for next year. I've listed monthly fund-raising activities like selling our stuff at flea markets, quarterly series of seminars for youths, a mid-year roadshow and an end of year party for our volunteers and members.

We could do all that for 2006 or spend the entire year raising funds for an overseas community project. An overseas community project might seem glamourous to some people, but it really is anything BUT glamourous. The preparation itself can be a killer! Just trying to source for funds can be an intensive activity.

I have never been good at fund-raising. I'm not a salesperson! I'm good at coming up with ideas and perhaps executing those ideas but fund-raising is essentially about selling, and selling is about people. I'm not good with people. I'd rather work with machines than people. People are confusing.

I'll be embarking on a detox programme in the next few weeks. That includes dieting. I was so shocked at how much weight I've gained in just a few months that I've decided to do something about it. It was probably all those late night suppers with KP. Isn't smoking supposed to curb hunger? Maybe it doesn't work for me.

The good news for my doctor is that I haven't had induced vomiting after a meal for quite some time. I'm starting off my detox programme with an early sleep. I haven't had any restful sleep for as long as I can remember. I doubt I will have one tonight too but the body is about conditioning. If you condition your body to what you want it to be, it will eventually be as required.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, December 17, 2005 @ 11:24 pm

Dear Blogger,

It's one shitty thing after another. I lost my purse today at a toilet in Lucky Plaza. Knowing that plaza, no one would pass it over to the authorities or something. They'd just discard the content, take whatever money that's in it and dump my purse in some nearby trash can.

There was $60 in it. Someone just gave me $50 as some allowance. I was going to use it for transportation costs and maybe some snacks while working. That has gone bust hasn't it? What's worse? I had a movie date last night with a German guy I met at Momo two weeks ago. That didn't happen because I was too distraught about my missing purse. No! My stolen purse!

The essential cards are in my card pouch, so that saves me the trouble of making any official reports. But really. What's next? God's really having a ball seeing me miserable lately doesn't He? First, I lost my car. Second, I lost my friends. Now, I lost my money. Swallow it up God!

Why doesn't He give me cancer too while He's at it? I smoke. Smoking's supposed to cause cancer doesn't it? Want to be specific? How about cancer at my ovaries or uterus or somewhere in my reproductive system? Make me unable to reproduce at all. That will definitely take me over the edge.

I'm losing my faith in Him. Really I am! Is that what He wants? I'm condemned to Hell anyway, so it doesn't make any difference anymore. The Miss Sunshines out there would say, shit happens. Boo hoo! Well, I'm not Miss Sunshine. I'm not very strong. In fact, I'm very fragile right now. I could just crack anytime. Have a nice day world!!!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, December 16, 2005 @ 10:43 pm

Dear Blogger,

It's confirmed then. KP doesn't want to be with me anymore, not even on his birthday. But that's alright. He wasn't the first. Yes, I was upset but that's natural. I should start checking in for treatment or something if I wasn't upset.

Since then, I've decided to clean out my contact list and address books. I deleted all those people who no longer remembers me or who didn't even bother to say hi once in a while or those who have hurt me tremendously. That includes D.

I realised how many address books I have. There's one in my phone, PDA, MSN, emails (I've my school email, 2 Yahoo accounts and hotmail), Friendster and those are just the ones that I remembered having accounts with. Won't it be wonderful if everything is all linked to one simple account?

I deleted all messages that I've unconsciously stored in my phone. I've blocked my MSN to those people above. It feels like one great big technological spring cleaning! Or in this case, winter cleaning? I've made a promise to return every cent I've owed them when I could afford it. What else can I possibly do?

Strange though. I'm supposed to feel liberated. I do feel emotionally lighter a little but that whole mythical liberation was I think, bollocks! I wish I didn't care so much. It's gotten me into so much pain. It's like I feel twice as much as other people feel. When someone feels sad about poverty, I feel sadder. When someone feels angry about the corruption in government, I feel angrier.

Yet, I don't feel happier when someone's happy. Why is that? Perhaps because there is really no such thing as happiness. I read the other day in the Recruit's section something about success. It said that success meant different things to different people. I've no arguments with that. But success in achieving world peace certainly won't feed you.

I've decided to be a workaholic. I've decided to be colder. Much like a machine. I certainly don't want to get emotionally involved with anybody anymore. If that is a world's loss, so be it. I've given so much already and received so little. Call it blasphemy but even God seemed to have forgotten me now.

I've the Youth Committee to continuously get going. I've 2 and half years of undergraduate studies left. I've my young students to tutor. I want to do more! Anything to make me forget about relationships. I want to be like Dr House. I think he's a dreamboat. So wicked yet he get the work done. Yes! I want to be just like him.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, December 15, 2005 @ 11:24 pm

Dear Blogger,

I walked from Lucky Plaza at Orchard Road to Clarke Quay on my 5-inch stilettos. Isn't that crazy? Then again, I am crazy. I had to dodge camera-crazy tourists and locals along the way, in addition to the plastic bags-overloaded Christmas shoppers, survey touting kids and punk kids littering along the Orchard boulevard.

I walked till my feet were sore and swollen. They looked as if Harry Porter had blown them up just like he did his brat of a cousin. I had no money in my purse. I spent my last $3 on dinner. I had about $3 left in my ez-link card and I was saving it for the ride home.

I had asked Din for money earlier in the day. It dragged on till midnight. He couldn't put in the effort to transfer $20 into my account. Funny thing. I believe he is still holding the ATM card to our joint account. He couldn't even bother to fetch me.

When he did get his arse to an ATM machine to transfer the money, he got irritated because he was too stupid to figure out how to use the machine. When he used that irritated voice on me, I told him to fuck off. I've lost too much of my pride asking him for money already. I'd rather sleep on the streets than take anymore of his bullshit.

KP didn't seem bothered as well. It's his birthday you know. Ever since I returned from Malaysia, he seemed colder now. I guess now that I don't have my car anymore, he sees no use being my friend anymore. That's the general impression I get these days. I seem to be surrounded with people when I've a ride to ferry them around.

Do you know what's worse? I let KP used me. To think after what I've gone through with Din, D and all those other guys, I should have learnt by now never to be too giving to people. I let KP made me believe that he's different. But he's not different is he? He used me like everyone else and I let him. Have a fucking happy birthday KP!

For the first time in months, I had suicidal thoughts. I was holding back tears at 1 Nite Stand by drinking and smoking as much as I could. I even danced on the dance floor. But the tears just kept flowing and flowing. I started to hyperventilate but it was not a repeat of last weekend's episode. Guiltily, I wished it did. I wished I had died there.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, December 14, 2005 @ 11:37 pm

Dear Blogger,

All these years since I could learn to talk, I've always pushed myself to prove others wrong. Everytime my father beated me up for silly mistakes, I learnt not to make any sound of pain. I had even managed to control my tears! When my uncle said that a woman's place is in the kitchen, I refused to do any kitchen duties. Instead, I picked up computing. Not that I don't help out in the kitchen. I just refused to make the kitchen my priority.

I guess after trying to prove others wrong for a long time, I've forgotten about proving myself. I've forgotten about me. I don't really know who I am. All I know, based on the profiling I've done over the years, is that I'm this hard-arse ball-breaker go-getter who allows very limited room for mistakes.

I know I'm high-strung. I would love to blame it on genetics but most often, what you've become is the result of your surroundings. Sometimes I wish I wasn't the first-born child. Being the first-born, I was the guinea pig to my parents' inexperience being parents. Being the first-born too, I have double the responsibility to be a role model to my siblings.

I can't do that! I need freedom to express myself! I find myself constantly battling within myself between what I'm expected to do and what I really am. I'm a free-spirit by nature but my aggressive characteristic was cultivated by the way I was brought up. I'm like a caged bird with its wings clipped and I'm forced to fend off my enemies with my beak. Does it make sense?

It's so unfair! Why do I have to do what's expected of me? Why do I have to be punished when I want to be me? Why do I have to do their will when I can't even fulfill God's will? What's so difficult about supporting their own child without throwing in emotional blackmail as well? Do I always have to be this tormented?

If I ever do become a parent, please don't let me repeat my parents' mistakes. But that's a big if. The only time I'll ever be a parent is if the government allows me to adopt a child and/or the society has changed it's archaic mindset about single, unmarried woman with a child. I don't see that happening here in any future.

On a lighter note, I think I've been offered a job. It isn't much but it's better than nothing. It's flexible, so I can carry it over when school reopens. But I think what's exciting is that I was able to see the growth opportunity there. I have been so down and blinded by the dark side that it's really rare for me to actually see an opportunity!

My baby's still in the workshop. I haven't given any authorisation to have it fixed yet. Does anybody have $10,000 change to spare? I doubt so. I've had my phone off lately because suddenly the sound of the beeps and rings are annoying the hell out of me. It makes me wonder if technology was developed for our convenience but at the expense of our sanity.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, December 13, 2005 @ 12:16 am

Dear Blogger,

It has been almost 2 weeks huh? A lot of things have happened since I last blogged. Why didn't I write them down? I don't know. I just didn't feel like blogging. I guess, by not expressing my thoughts and feelings in writing, I repressed them inside me. I didn't have any other channel to let them out. It eventually almost killed me.

The strained relationship I have with my father had reached an unbearable point. Even on the drive to Malacca on Friday night, he just had to constantly attack my self-esteem and self-worth. When my car broke down in the middle of the highway at some ungodly dark hours, instead of keeping the situation under control, he attacked me even more.

I was trying so hard to keep it together that I lighted up a ciggie. I didn't care who saw me. I didn't give a fuck about what my parents or relatives think of me smoking. Even that couldn't calm me down. He just kept on and on and digged up every mistake I've done since I was born. Unlike any other day, this was worse because I was stuck in the middle of nowhere in a broken down tin can.

I started to hyperventilate. There was no D, Din nor KP to soothe me. I sent out distressed messages to both KP and Din. None replied. My father didn't even notice that I was hyperventilating! I needed to get out. So I walked to some secluded corner and sat down with my head to my knees. I was trying to control my breathing but I hyperventilated even more.

I sent out more distressed messages. No replies at all. I was sucking in too much oxygen and letting out too little carbon dioxide. I couldn't control my breathing. Eventually, I froze because there wasn't enough exchange of air in my body and limbs. My cousin came over to tell me that we were leaving, but I couldn't move.

My aunt soon came and said the same thing. She thought I was just upset and being stubborn. Soon, my mom came and my sis. Followed by everyone else. None realised that I was suffocating. My dad came and tried to calm me down. He lifted me up and I fell. That was when everyone realised that I wasn't just being upset and stubborn.

I couldn't move. I was drifting in and out of reality. I could hear noises but I couldn't make out what it was. I must have passed out after that because when I woke up, I was in some bungalow and it was Sunday already. The last few nights' events came back to mind and all of a sudden, I felt angry. No... I felt rage!

None noticed how sick I was till I was about to pass out! Neither KP nor Din replied my messages! I don't expect them to cross the causeway for me but they could have said something! Some encouraging words or soothing words or something! Not even now.

I was so disappointed in KP especially. I thought he wasn't like all the other friends I had. But he was like all my other friends. I don't even know if I really have friends. To me, friends are those who come when you're in need. Well, I needed someone and none came.

My baby's in the workshop now. I don't know how much that will cost me. I haven't paid the installments for 3 months now. Same goes for my mobile. I haven't found a job yet although I've sent countless resumes and cover letters to companies which I thought would offer positions to a student like me. Then there's that car accident 2 years ago which I've to settle in about 3 years.

People keep telling me that when you've reached the bottom, there's no other way but up. I thought, what if it's a bottomless pit? The more I try to climb up, the deeper I fall. Falling alone in the abyss. I'm beginning to think that it's better to be alone. Why have people who laugh with you, yet desert you when you cry? Don't blame me for my bitter state.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, December 01, 2005 @ 3:44 am

Dear Blogger,

Every new person I meet these days have been married or divorced at least once. Most often, they have kids too. Teenage pregnancy and/or teenage marriages are so prevalent these days that I couldn't understand why I should be so surprised when meeting someone who has done so.

There's nothing wrong with them really. Often times, they were just plain stupid. It was usually a matter of lust before consequences. Contraceptives people! CONTRACEPTIVES!!! Condoms are so readily available these days. Use them! Can't understand how someone can pay about $11 for a pack of cigarettes but not $3 for a pack of condoms.

The sad and sickening thing about Asian society, especially Malay society is, if you're pregnant out of wedlock, then you'd better do the right thing. What is the right thing? Marriage! HELLO!!! You can't use marriage to fix a mess! To cover up a "shame" is the WRONG reason to get married!

What comes after shotgun marriages? Divorce! It's not enough that our supposed future of Singapore is not practising safe sex and marrying young, they're getting divorced young too! Have I really lost touch with the generation after me? Am I really that old?

Here I am still trying to come to terms with what it means to be in a relationship, yet all these kids are conceiving, marrying and divorcing. It's not as bad if there are no kids involved, but there ARE kids involved! They're the ones suffering the most!

Don't you just find it repulsive sometimes that you're partying with a young parent while his/her kid is being taken care of by the grandparents, aunts, uncles or some other relatives? It's OK to be supportive parents but that teenager kid of yours is no longer just a teenager or a young adult. He's a parent!

I'm not saying that you can't enjoy yourself. You should enjoy yourself! Go out and meet people! But you're a parent first and a person next. If you still want to enjoy your youth, then for God's sake! Invest in a pack of condoms! This is THE consequences of your lust!

Why am I so upset about this? It used to be that I would only have to compete with single, never been married ladies for that almost perfect man. Now, I've to compete with female divorcees too! There just aren't enough single, never been married men around. The men who were once married don't want to be in the game anymore, fearing the pain of going through another relationship failure.

Im telling you. I'm giving up! I'm just counting down the days to my permanent singlehood. I'm giving all you men out there 58 more days before I really shut my heart tight to future romances. Don't tell me that I'll meet someone or there's someone out there for me. I refuse to give myself anymore hope!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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