modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Monday, October 31, 2005 @ 4:05 pm

Dear Blogger,

There are just no words to describe how I've been feeling. Sometimes, I am not my own worst enemy. My parents are! They are supposed to be my pillars of strength! They are supposed to be the first in line with support and encouragement, no matter what!

I'm still crying. I've been crying since 4.30am. My eyes are awfully swollen. I can barely see but the blur is good. My body's aching too. It feels like it's been trampled on by a stampede of elephants. I've strained my wrists. I don't know how or when.

I don't know where home is. Did I ever have a home in the first place? Was I ever wanted?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, October 30, 2005 @ 11:30 pm

Dear Blogger,

I watched the classic "When Harry Met Sally" in its entirety this afternoon. Besides its infamous fake-orgasm-in-the-cafe-scene, I think it's a great movie because it discusses the age old question: Can a man and a woman be just friends? I know it sounds like a chic movie but I think it's a really great movie for all. OK... Maybe not for all. Maybe for the smarter, thinking ones.

Can a man and a woman really be just friends? Best friends even? In the movie, I believe the answer was no. I kind of agreed with that. How can two people of opposite gender be best of friends and yet, not feel any strong attraction towards each other? There's bound to be sexual attraction sooner or later.

It's true that sex changes things, but I think it's inevitable. You would want to do it with someone you're most comfortable with right? Maybe not. But wouldn't you want to be pleasantly intimate with someone you're most comfortable with?

So what does this mean? Is it better if a man and woman don't become friends first and then lovers? Or lovers first then friends? Personally, I don't know any couple who has been close friends for over a decade. So I don't really know. I don't have friends who last after 5 years! I'm just not a people person I guess.

Relationships are a great mystery. At least to me, that is. Relationships, especially those that involve love, bring out all sorts of emotions that you don't even know exist. I can't understand how I could care for something a lot and yet be disastrous in relationships. Is this God's plans for me all along?

I just watched "The Fabulous Life of the Hilton Sisters" on MTV. Some people are just born lucky. With all that fame and fortune, something's got to give right? Hopefully they're unlucky in love like me. Then again, they can always buy love (unlike me!). Who says you can't buy love and happiness???

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, October 29, 2005 @ 11:48 pm

Dear Blogger,

Most people spend their Saturdays clearing their chores or catching up on lost time with friends or family, either over a meal or shopping or both. As for me, now that I'm jobless, I spent my Saturday today waking up early in the morning, caught the train to City Hall, walked about 10 minutes to SUNTEC, to attend a 1.5 hour briefing for volunteers of the 6th ISPCAN Asian Regional Conference 2005.

At 11am, I was back in Pasir Ris for tuition with my last student this year. This was our 2nd last lesson together and next week, I will be officially jobless. A swell time to be jobless huh? No reason to regret now. I'm very sure that it was the right decision in the long run. I think if you're just unhappy at work, it's time to move on! I wish I could really apply that much belief to my love life.

After tuition, went home to grab the car (I have not seen my baby in a week!) and headed back to town for some project meeting. I don't know what my brother did to the car but the front tyres were almost flat and there was hardly any fuel in the car. Not only that, there was a burnt hole in the back seat upholstery! I'm surprised I didn't turn into the Incredible Hulk by now.

Went to SUNTEC again for the Singapore Learning Festival. Sat at some of the workshops. Collected a free shopping bag at the event. Got interested again in healthcare, but the focus was on nursing. The ministry is always finding ways to recruit more nurses. I've nothing against nurses but there's more to healthcare besides nursing.

Then I thought maybe I could try Allied Health Science. It's things like pharmacy, therapy, diagnostic, etc. But none of the courses offered in the local institutions here support the qualifications that I already have. If they think that I am going to throw away my current 4-year degree programme, just to take another 3-year degree programme in health sciences, they must be plain crazy.

I like healthcare. I think it's my calling to work in healthcare. Maybe not in the medical departments but a hospital isn't just run by medical professionals. Common misconception. Sometimes, I wished I had gone the straight path to medical school but then I snapped myself out of it. With Singapore's rigid education system, who was I kidding? At 17, I've already realised that there's a difference between studying and learning. I prefer to learn.

I broke my fast at the new Genki Sushi at the newly renovated Marina Square. Spanky urban timber decor and chill out ambience, with an open concept. Too bad I couldn't share my appreciation of the restaurant with anyone. I was seated in between couples who fed each other sushi. I was too hungry to lose my appetite.

Skipped my way to Chijmes for Chijazz 2005. When I arrived, the first band was almost to its last set. There was Alamay (singer), Robert (drummer), Marcus (bass) and Michael Stanton (keyboardist). After two songs, I felt weird not being here with D. There are not many people I know who appreciate non-mainstream music. There wasn't anyone there I could say hi to either.

KP was supposed to arrive at 8.30pm but he only made his grand appearance after 9.30pm. By then, I already have my eyes on this drummer from KL. Actually, the whole band was from KL. They rocked big time! They were so good that I have not come across any other band of their standards here at all! When they brought in a 14-year old percussionist on stage for their last song, I was just blown away! That boy was incredible!

I just had to make my way to the band. Shook hands and said hi to the boy and the band leader. Chit chatted a bit and then, I was off! I was tired. It had been a long day for me. Besides, I couldn't afford to do anything. My last $8 was spent on this ridiculously expensive parking. What happened to the $2 per entry charge???

I snapped at KP. I knew it wasn't his fault but I was just tired and helpless. Besides financial problems, I've expectations to meet. The shit I'm going through can be very overwhelming for my delicate shoulders and mind. He just had to be uber sensitive tonight of all nights.

I must have grown up a little because after awhile, I managed to throw up an apology, verbally. I don't do that! I mean, I do apologise sometimes, but very rarely verbally. But that's just because people say they're sorry so many times that there's no value to those words anymore.

We hung at Samar (again!). Let me see. I've been to town and back 5 times today. Wow! Why didn't we just hang in the east? What's there in the east? Well, there's Pasir Ris Park, Changi Beach and East Coast Park. Boring! I didn't want to be forced to flee from every hand-holding couple I see.

While at Samar, I saw a past of mine walking along the street, with his wife. I knew he saw me but he refused to acknowledge. Most probably because he was with his wife. I didn't acknowledge either. He was a past, long forgotten. The world can be awfully small sometimes.

There was something KP said tonight that made me think about it again. He said I was "special". That was an eyebrow-raising word, don't you think? I hope I was just "special" because I have a car and that he could take advantage of it by making me ferry him around. But knowing what a sappy retarded bloke that he is, his "special" doesn't really mean anything.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, October 28, 2005 @ 6:28 pm

Dear Blogger,

I spent half the day today catching up on lost sleep. When I woke up, I felt a sense of regret at first because I felt like I had wasted my time today. Then I thought, my mind and body needed that sleep, only to stay sane. I needed to let my subconscious guide me on what to do with my current state of inefficiency.

I had to cut myself off from the rest of the world because everybody wanted a piece of me, but I didn't want a piece of them. The "everybody" is mostly the bank and creditors. I know they're doing their job but is it too much to ask to just cut some slack here?

Everyday, without fail, they will call me. I have never answered their calls, nor have I returned them. What's the point?! They're just calling me to remind me that I've outstanding bills. What's new? I really don't want to blame them but their constant reminders just add unnecessary stress to my fragile mind! Don't they think that if I could afford it, I'd clear all my debts and bills already?

Din accused me of seeing another guy. He can be so full of himself sometimes. Firstly, I am not seeing anyone. Secondly, I have not been romantically involved with anyone for close to a year already! Even if I am seeing someone, what business is that of his? It's OK for him to marry someone else but not OK for me to meet other people?!

What have I ever done to him anyway? What right has he to stop me from moving on? I have given him so many chances but what did he do with all those chances? It is not very often that I allow myself to be this vulnerable to anyone. To think that I even did, he should consider himself one lucky bastard! And because of him, I have become more distant to human relationships than ever before.

I don't mind it anymore if I'm described as cold, aloof, arrogant or a bitch really. I don't have many friends or even a few close friends. That doesn't bother me anymore. Friends and lovers come and go very quickly. Making new friends is very hard work and at my old age, that energy is better spent on something more critical, like being a slave to money.

I have almost given up on ideals. I am forced to be practical. I am forced to do things which do not satisfy my soul. That is life in Singapore. I believe many Singaporeans feel this way too. In one of my Economics class, there was a discussion on whether a high GDP equals to a happy country. I think having money can make a person happy to some degree but there is also truth to the old saying, "Money is the root of all evil".

Then again, it is impossible to live with only love. You can't have a roof over your head with just love. You can't buy food with love. You can't even drink water with just love! Love will not keep us alive. Money will. So something has to give, and it's usually love that's given away.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, October 27, 2005 @ 12:54 am

Dear Blogger,

I guess I can rely on KP to try to cheer me up these days. We just got home from hanging at McD. Just a small Coke Light, small unsalted fries and a cone for me. They will have this new rice burgers soon a la Mos burger. The rice burgers looked good on the posters. Then again, food advertisements tend to look damn better than the real thing.

I came home earlier, just in time for break fast. It was a long day at school and the last thing I needed was another preach from my dad. Why did I expect tonight to be any different? Sometimes I wish my dad could just quit the preaching. How many times do I need to be told what a failure I was or how useless I was? Once is enough Dad! Fix the broken record will ya?

Went out again after that, hoping for a time out with a cup of frothy cappuccino. That didn't happen because KP arrived at 10pm, instead of 9.30pm which he was the one who suggested. I arrived at 9.30pm of course. Starbucks and Coffee Bean closes at 11pm. I didn't want to hang there for less than an hour or worse, be pressurised by the staff stacking chairs or dimming the lights. Thank God for 24-hour McD!

How shall I describe KP? He's obnoxious. He's a vain pot. He thinks he epitomises coolness. He's corny. He has this gratingly annoying laughter. He's suspiciously gay. But you know what? No matter what I write about him, he won't mind one bit. In fact, he encourages it!

Unlike some people who still thinks that I'm having an affair with a certain someone, just because I wrote about him. A kiss is even deadlier if you mean it. It didn't mean anything! I really can't understand women sometimes. Are we really that stupid and irrational? We blame men so often for our insecurities that I'm beginning to think that men are really misunderstood!

Besides, where is the trust in marriage? If there's no trust in marriage, what then is marriage? If there's no forgiveness nor tolerance, what is marriage? It's about kids? I pity those kids. I pity those who are trapped in a marriage as if it's a contract. A contract witnessed by God.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, October 26, 2005 @ 1:21 pm

Dear Blogger,

Ramadan is almost coming to an end. Doesn't time fly by so fast? It's not like I'm going to miss it, but I don't feel anything special about it this year. Perhaps I was too occupied with work and school. If I don't feel anything about Ramadan, then I'm certainly not feeling anything for Syawal. I'm thinking of excuses to avoid visiting anyone this year.

My dislike for my extended family has grown over the years. I don't hate them. I just don't like them. Maybe I don't understand them. Have they tried to understand me? The thing about people is that, they love scandals. I haven't understood why yet but don't we all love it when someone high and mighty falls?

It's not like we set ourselves to be immortal. We just want to be the best that we possibly can be. Just because I was born with a Malay DNA, it doesn't mean I have to be content or satisfied with my current state of being. So what if I'm still in school? So what if I'm still single and available? It doesn't make me less worthy.

I am probably the oldest single member in the extended family. The more pressure I get about this, the less reluctant I become to get involved with anyone. I know I have said otherwise previously but come to think of it, why even bother? I rather be miserable alone than with someone.

Anyway, let's not pull myself down here. I am so tired. I stayed up till 4.30am to do presentation slides for a Sexuality Education Talk this coming Monday. I'll be presenting to a classroom full of primary school girls about sexuality issues.

Personally, I don't even know if I'm qualified to talk about it. I don't think their parents and teachers will appreciate my open-minded views about the human sexuality. On the other hand, I don't think we should be close-minded about sexuality either. If people are afraid or too shy to talk about it, then we'll forever have prejudices and misunderstandings.

I've dreams about babies lately. Not awful dreams but disturbing nevertheless. I wish I could just adopt a child as easily as in the States. I know it's unrealistic. I can't afford it. Maybe I should consider volunteering in an orphanage or something. Those abandoned kids need all the love they can get and I have all the love that I can give. Besides, no man is worth the love I have these days.

That's really not a bad idea is it? I could teach them and guide them. So where do I go? Who do I look for? If my love is such a joke to all these men, then I'll devote myself to being a foster parent to those kids. I shall consider this again after the school term.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

Food Diary

Breakfast: 1 serving of bee hoon (instant).
Lunch: None.
Dinner: 1 serving of chicken bryani (threw up) and 1 glass of bandung.
Supper: None.
Cigarettes: None.

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Monday, October 24, 2005 @ 11:57 am

Dear Blogger,

It was a 10am meeting which lasted for only 15 minutes. Still, there was no conclusion. Neither wanted to back down, even though I have clearly agreed that I will have to pay the damages eventually. The question is, how much. The lawyer didn't even press for a settlement!

In the end, there'll be another hearing next month. My God! How long more does this case have to be dragged on??? I was so sure that this was the legal system's way of earning an income. The longer the case, the more money they can milk out of their clients.

So how do I feel? I don't know. I'm unusually calm but that's probably because I couldn't really feel anything else. Nothing concrete is going through my mind now. In fact, I don't feel like doing anything at all! The weather's too hot to walk even.

Madonna has just released her new dance album. Such a cool album! I love the first single, "Hung Up". It's so disco don't you think? I've always loved Madonna. She's definitely my icon.

Most would not agree but she has changed the way we look at taboo issues. Virginity, sexual expression, homosexuality, hypocrisy of religious institutions, etc. Anyway, I like this song because it's my wake up call for a certain someone.

Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly

Every little thing that you say or do
I'm hung up
I'm hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I'm fed up
I'm tired of waiting on you

Time goes by so slowly for those who wait
No time to hesitate
Those who run seem to have all the fun
I'm caught up
I don't know what to do

Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
I don't know what to do

Every little thing that you say or do
I'm hung up
I'm hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I'm fed up
I'm tired of waiting on you

Every little thing that you say or do
I'm hung up
I'm hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I'm fed up
I'm tired of waiting on you

Ring ring ring goes the telephone
The lights are on but there's no-one home
Tick tick tock it's a quarter to two
And I'm done
I'm hanging up on you

I can't keep on waiting for you
I know that you're still hesitating
Don't cry for me
'cause I'll find my way
You'll wake up one day
But it'll be too late

Every little thing that you say or do
I'm hung up
I'm hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I'm fed up
I'm tired of waiting on you


Every little thing that you say or do
I'm hung up
I'm hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I'm fed up
I'm tired of waiting on you


Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, October 23, 2005 @ 11:59 pm

Dear Blogger,

Another major event happened today. I quit my job!!! I haven't yet submitted my letter of resignation (it's in the envelop now, awaiting postal) but I've made up my mind. I've been working there for more than a year. I have thought about leaving so many times already but today, I have decided.

I have no future there. I know it's just a part-time job but when you get passed over for promotion more than three times even though you're qualified for it, you know that it's time to go. I'm not going to say anything bad about my former workplace anymore. I just want to move on.

My immediate future is uncertain now. I've officially no income coming in. Tuition assignments won't come in till the new school term starts. Hopefully. Should I regret? I think not! Strangely, I do feel liberated despite the uncertainty. The job just isn't working out for me.

Am I crazy? Many major things are happening in my life and I don't know if I can appreciate their significance right now. I don't know if I can handle too many changes at the same time. It can be traumatic you know, and I'm easily traumatised.

I have a morning date with the district judge tomorrow. Just me, without any legal support. Whatever the outcome of the session, good or bad, I shall not cry or lose it. I shall remain calm as to not cause any alarms to those around me.

Actually, what is so bad about crying? Isn't it a natural and one of the most purest form of expression? I think this ridicule started with men! Doesn't all ridicule start with men? Anyway, if men hasn't associate crying with weakness, then I think we'd all be mentally healthy creatures!

As a child, as a form of rebellion, I'd force myself not to cry whenever my dad beat me up to a pulp. I'd quickly stand up if I fell and just looked him in the eye with such intensity that it gave me a headache sometimes. I'd bite my inner lip or tongue just to prevent those tears from falling or cry out in pain.

My dad was really free with the belt or rubber hose. He'd threaten us kids with knives too sometimes. He didn't crack my skull or tore my skin apart, but the emotional damage has been done. Now that he's mellowed, he expects us kids to be communicative with him.

I just don't know how! I never learned to! I don't know how to answer his questions. I don't know how to react when he shows an inkling of concern. I can't even be in the same room with him for too long! My dad doesn't advice. He preaches. He never fails to make us feel like we're as good as the faeces we flush down the toilet.

He's a possible reason why I'm so messed up now. It's always the men isn't it? Maybe I should just stay away from men altogether. I've been so tempted to do that sometimes. If a man treats me nice, he's just too good to be true. And as the saying goes, "If it's too good to be true, it usually is!".

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, October 22, 2005 @ 11:10 pm

Dear Blogger,

Tonight was a blast! It was worth skiving from work tonight. Every year, Sentosa tries to attract people into the island by organising free events or festivals. Admission charges apply of course. One such event is the Jazz by the Beach. It runs every Saturday evening for a month.

I knew about it last month but I didn't intend to go. It's jazz! Most people don't appreciate jazz. I didn't want to be miserable attending alone. But last night, I found out that The Groove would be playing tonight. It's not just jazz! It's latin jazz! And guess who's in The Groove???

It wasn't really at the beach as most of the audience had thought. It was at an auditorium nearer to Shangri-La Rasa Sentosa. KP and I found a comfortable spot on the grassy ground quite near the stage. KP was uncomfortable at first because he thought the ground was meant for the nearby bar's customers. He's a virgin to these kinds of events.

It felt nice seeing all those guys playing again. D looked so cool on the drums. He wore the same red top he wore last year when we first met. I was actually nervous. I didn't know if I would feel welcomed if I wentt up and said hi to him.

Then I thought, since I skived work, I might as well take the plunge. I know I made it sound like it was such a horrific experience but rejection is really a devastating experience don't you agree? I said hi to the guys I know. Hugs, hugs and kisses on the cheeks. Briefly updated each other on what's happening in our lives. Cracked some jokes. Laughed out silly. It felt just like old times.

I tried to get KP to try and dance to the latin music. Granted that I still don't know how to dance salsa but isn't latin music is about shaking those hips? After furious coaxing, threats and a bottle of heiny, he finally got up and tried to dance. I thought he was stiff. That guy really needed to loosen up! It was a salsa party after all!

At the end of the event, KP and I, and D and one of the band members left for our cars together. Our cars were parked at the awfully far beach carpark. It wasn't really far to me. It was just about 20 minutes walk by the beach. More jokes, more updates on our miserable lives, more laughter. But all night, I wondered what D was thinking. Was he even thinking of me?

He kissed me goodbye as we parted ways. It was brief but he kissed me. My lips have not been that close to a man for God knows how long. For a brief moment, I felt like I was floating on cloud nine or something. I amuse myself sometimes.

What surprised me was how different I had reacted when I saw Din a week ago. Then, I was a nervous wreck, messed up and all. But with D, even though I was nervous at first, I felt so relaxed afterwards. I didn't even know for sure if he would be playing tonight! I was actually looking forward to meeting him tonight if he did play!

It was a fun night. I really enjoyed myself. But now that I'm back on earth, misery awaits. I've reports undone, a boss to explain about my absence tomorrow and a date with the district court on Monday. As the bitter saying goes, "A moment of bliss, a lifetime of pain".

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, October 21, 2005 @ 3:34 am

Dear Blogger,

I just came back from a night at Siloso Beach. I haven't been to Sentosa since D and I broke up. We met at Palawan Beach, Sentosa June last year. I haven't been to any part of Sentosa after midnight and I must say that the fake tourist island really is tranquil after the witching hour.

KP and I had the beach all to ourselves. I didn't really want to go to Sentosa because we had to pay to enter the damn island. Not just for ourselves, but for the car too. On top of that, the Sentosa management had erected a new sheltered carpark that could accomodate 600 cars and it cost another $1 per entry ($1.05 to be exact after GST).

KP, being a snob that he is, doesn't really like the beaches on the main land. Anyway, we were there because I really had a rough day earlier on. Not only did I come home to a father who didn't understand what her daughter was going through, I had to be reminded by some credit company that Din still owed Singtel $940 for his now-terminated mobile subscription. Love doesn't just hurt emotionally, it hurts financially too!

In addition, I lost 5 year's worth of data in my PDA. 5 year's worth! Even the desktop backup couldn't restore it! All my contacts, schedules, to do list, notes, quotes, poetry, banking accounts, etc are now lost! Is God trying to tell me something? Why couldn't He tell me in a less heartbreaking way?

Plus, I only have 20 cents in my purse now. So I couldn't really buy anything. Not even a McDonald's ice cream cone! I so wanted ice cream. Strawberry ice cream. I cried in the shower because I couldn't handle all the shit I've been getting. Ice cream seemed very comforting then.

I brought coffee from home. I couldn't prepare a picnic basket because there wasn't anything else to pack. I think I make really good coffee, even though it's instant coffee. Give me coffee beans and I don't know what to do with them. Same goes for tea. Give me tea leaves and I'm clueless. I was never domesticated anyway. But I can clean very well.

So it was just coffee and cigarettes on the white sandy Siloso beach. It was very windy. I believed I've swallowed quite a considerable amount of sand by the time we left. It threatened to rain, but it didn't. It was cold though. At least I felt cold. I had been cold the whole day. Maybe it was just my body system.

The bruise on my chin really looked horrible. It's no longer just blue black. It's black! Like some bad mould growing on my chin. It still hurts when I laugh out loud or smile too wide. Sometimes, I accidently rest my chin on my hand and it hurts like crazy.

My arms feel sore too. It was as if I had lifted weights recently. I did no such thing of course. I was struggling with my gear stick while driving. Mommy massaged my back and right hip this morning. It was painful of course but I was told that this kind of massage was supposed to hurt. My back and hip felt better after that. I think I need more massage.

It's already the 21st day of October. I can't even remember when my last sexual activity was! Has it been 2 months yet? Or maybe just a month. I haven't kissed or been kissed. I haven't held any guy's hand. I haven't stood or sat within an elbow's length to a guy. KP said that I've pushed the sense of touch so far deep that I've forgotten what it feels like.

What's wrong with that? It's just my way of protecting myself that's all. Who else will protect me but me? You really can't depend on many people these days. It's a dog eat dog world. By the way, do dogs really eat other dogs?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, October 19, 2005 @ 8:53 pm

Dear Blogger,

My body's in pain. So is my heart. I was miserable the whole day. Even though I had a new funky hairdo and completed my first group presentation of the semester, I was still burdened with a lead-heavy heart and soul. Add to that, the increasing physical pain I had to endure from early this morning's bathroom incident.

I woke up with a huge horrible looking bruise on my chin. It cannot be missed by even the worst myopic person here. My right hip is bruising too. My body had landed over sticks and pails and God knows what else was on that bathroom floor. The abrasions on my legs were hidden by pants but the scorching pain made it difficult for me to walk with grace.

But the physical pain was nothing compared to the misery in my heart and soul. I'm not sure what caused me to feel this way. Was it the rain perhaps? It was sunny bright when I left the house at noon. When I reached City Hall station, I was stuck at the entrace because it was pouring with sprinkly rain. It was as if the Heavens had left the shower head on.

I didn't want to ruin my hair. Nothing ruins curls faster than water. But I had no choice! I was half an hour late for a group presentation rehearsal. I couldn't run. I never could run. I'm a walk-person. So I walked in the rain, sheltered only by the Today paper. That was the beginning of the end of what I had hoped much to be a good day.

Everyone noticed the hair but they were more interested at the band-aid on my chin. I had my bruise covered in the vain hope that it would look better covered. Very few had asked what happened though and I appreciated that I didn't have to repeat the story many times. At the same time, I thanked them for their concern. Even if they had told that I looked stupid, at least they had told it to me to my face.

The presentation was OK. The customary Q&A at the end of the presentation was not though. The topic we were given was already controversial to begin with: "Is Environmental Degradation Worsening?". I couldn't remember why we had said no to that. This is the type of question that most people answer with moralistic fervour. How could you go against the environment???

We might as well presented crappy facts because nobody bothered to keep their minds open for alternative viewpoints. I felt helpless. I didn't know how to eloquently present my points. That has always been a problem with me. I'm a writer. Not an orator. I have all these wonderful ideas and thoughts in my head but I can't deliver them well orally.

The class ended at 6.30pm. I couldn't get home in time for break fast. I couldn't afford to break fast with a proper sit-in meal either. I only had $2 cash with me. I could forget about the ATM cards and credit card too. I've nothing in the bank, save for passbooks and plastic cards.

I bought a curry chicken fuillete from Delifrance at 95 cents just to break my fast with something edible. I've lost my appetite by then. Not to say that the fuillete wasn't delicious (it was!). Just that I was too miserable (and broke) to eat.

I hate taking public transports during peak hours. I almost embarrassingly broke down at the station after I couldn't get myself through the train doors. It was every man/woman for himself/herself during these busy peak hours. Everyone didn't give a fuck about social graces. I couldn't really blame them. Our society had evolved to become uncivilised folks.

By the time I reached home, I had given up on society. I just wanted to stay in my room forever and not have to deal with the bullshit outside of home. I had given up on love and hope too. I despised those who had belittled me or broke my heart. I hated those who made fun of me, either with my weight, my unfortunate circumstances or my life.

Finally, I broke down. It was inevitable. All I could think about was what if I'll never have children because no man would want to spend his sane life with me. I'll never be loved. I wanted my baby back but I know that's not possible. I hated him for making me go through with it! I hated myself even more for always running back to him.

There is no one around. It's just me and my baby bears. I'm afraid what will happen next. I'm afraid of what I could possibly do to myself. I'm very vulnerable right now. The slightest move could ignite something destructive to me.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, October 18, 2005 @ 4:15 am

Dear Blogger,

I spent the whole night editing a 1 minute video clip for an Economics presentation and nursing a numbing and swelling jaw. I fell in the middle of the night while leaving the bathroom. How I came to fall was a sinister suspicion in itself.

I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. As I was about to step out of the bathroom, the mops (my mom loves to store mops in the bathroom) just fell on its own! Before I could realise what was going on, my legs tripped over the falling mops. I fell face down to the floor and my nose would have been broken if my jaw had not landed first.

Nevertheless, the impact was very hard. My glasses were sent flying across the room. I was temporarily blinded by the shock but I regained my sight quickly. I looked back at the fallen mops and I could have sworn that some sinister being had fell those mops. I might not be able to see but I could feel it very strongly.

It reminded me of that movie, Final Destination. It was about how Death or some spirit took vengeance on the kids who cheated death by getting themselves thrown out of the aeroplane, minutes before the plane crashed into the airport and exploded.

What happened to me wasn't an accident. It was attempted murder! Mops don't just fall on its own, even with gravity! KP joked about it when I told him. I was so upset with the way he treated my misfortune or near-death experience that I almost forgot how I fell! Expect my cold shoulders from now on!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, October 17, 2005 @ 11:57 pm

Dear Blogger,

I had forgotten that it’s the first day of the school after the term break. It didn’t matter because I don’t have classes on Mondays anyway. I went to work as usual and later in the afternoon, I went to a National Geographic documentary screening of “Inside Mecca”, organised by MUIS.

The dress code listed on the invite was “office attire” but that bothered me the whole night before. What does MUIS mean by “office attire”? Personally, “office attire” means corporate outfit. But knowing MUIS, “office attire” for ladies means head to toe loose outfits which doesn’t look out of place even at the heartland malls.

I decided to wear baju kurung. It’s a lavender set which makes me look sweeter than usual, if I can so myself. My hair’s plum now, so I thought it matched nicely with the outfit. 3o minutes before I was supposed to be at work, I changed to my funeral-looking black Jackie O dress.

Then I regretted it, for awhile. At the MUIS Auditorium, I was surrounded by a sea of scarves and cloth. That would be fine with me if the men and women were not seated separately. I haven’t been segregated by gender since I went for Aidilfitri prayers 2 years ago!

I thought why should I be made uncomfortable just because I don’t dress like a Muslim? Does it make me less of a Muslim? I’ve always believed that faith is something that’s individual. God hasn’t made me forgotten Him yet.

Anyway, by the time we arrived, the documentary was halfway to its end. My KP of a friend (he insisted to be known as King of Panzies in my blogs, whatever that means!), I thought the documentary was kind of disappointing because it didn’t share anything new. Probably because it was meant for non-Muslims.

After the screening, I thought there would be a forum. That was why I was there! But it ended being more of a Q&A session. So uber boring because none had dealt with the topic at all! That’s the Malay-Muslim society for you. Always preferring to stay on the safe and tested side.

KP and I went to break fast at Zam Zam. He had chicken murtabak (all to himself!) while I had chicken bryani, which was only half eaten. If I could help it, I’d ship the bryani to some third world country or something. I can’t bear to see food go to waste like that.

We went to chill at One Fullerton, where the Merlion was. God, I felt touristy! I was more enchanted with the moon than the awful-looking Merlion. I can’t really relate to the Merlion. What aspect of Singaporean life does it represent actually? I can understand the Singapore skyline but the Merlion??? It was full moon tonight by the way.

Looking at the full moon, I suddenly thought of D and how both he and the moon made me erotically charged every time. I wonder how he is. I hope he’s doing well. I turned to the Ritz Carlton and recalled the New Year’s Eve party there last year. Those were fun times.

Funny how I miss D more than Din now. KP asked how Din and I met and I could recall every single thing that happened on that fateful night in October 2001. But I really had to work on my oral story-telling skills. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not very eloquent. I have problems delivering my messages the way I had intended them to be.

Sometimes I wish KP was older. Then I guess I won’t hesitate too much about pursuing it. Dating younger guys is seriously not a good idea. We’re just not compatible! Then I looked at my mom and some of my girlfriends who are dating younger guys. They didn’t seem bothered by the older woman-younger man issue.

It must be me then. I just prefer older guys I guess. My first real crush almost 10 years ago, was on a guy who was 7 years older than me! Subsequent guys I’ve more or less dated were at least 5 years older until Din came along. He’s 2 years my senior but he could be mistaken to be at least 5 years older.

Some could say that age is just a number and what matters is the chemistry. I’d like to believe that but I’ve yet to be proven on that. The attractiveness of older men is definitely their wealth of experience and maturity. Then again, maturity in men can be debated no matter what age they are.

Sometimes I can’t remember if I’m 25 or 42. I should really ask myself why do I make myself out to be older than I really am. I’m not cutting myself some slack, am I? I should really give myself a break. I’m not dumb. I’m not ugly. I’m not obese. I’m cool.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, October 15, 2005 @ 11:33 pm

Dear Blogger,

Nothing exciting happened today. Not even any thoughts worth writing about. My spine was hurting the whole day. It started hurting since Thursday night, right after the whole Din fiasco. I spent ¾ of daylight in bed because of it.

Woke up and washed up to go to work. Didn’t feel like going to work as usual but I can’t afford to miss work. It sucks doesn’t it? Not being able to afford to miss work. Didn’t have any plans. Didn’t even have the car today. Nothing to expect at all.

I was half-tempted to message Din and even offered to meet him. But I didn’t. I don’t know. It wasn’t like I really wanted to meet him. I was just plain bored. I didn’t even feel like teasing anyone!

I came to work dressed in wall-blending tee and pants. Didn’t even bother to doll up my face and do up my hair. I was pretty sloppy at work and as expected, I could easily be the fly on the wall. No one noticed my presence at all!

I don’t think I’d even mind or be offended if someone asked me out for a tryst. That was how bored I was. I’ve not been particularly horny for quite a while and I’m starting to wonder why. I don’t think it’s normal of me to be “inactive” physically or mentally for this long.

Didn’t smoke nor drink. Didn’t read nor study. Didn’t bother to be friendly. I’m just dragging myself along life aren’t I? I’m just tired of life’s bullshit I guess.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, October 14, 2005 @ 1:38 pm

Dear Blogger,

When things don't go according to plan, I get disoriented. When things happen when I least expected, I throw up and hyperventilate. That was what happened to me last night. I was at the Geylang Serai bazaar with a friend at close to midnight.

Right after I parked my car, I saw a very familiar maroon Super 4 bike parked right in front. I turned to look at the plate but I couldn't really remember numbers. Then I saw it! The unmistakable sticker pasted on the fuel tank, only which a certain someone, whom I had hoped was already in my past, but unfortunately was still in my present, has.

He couldn't be here now! Not tonight! This was not good. I didn't want to bump into him tonight, especially here at this annual bazaar and double especially when I was with a male friend. What the hell was he doing here? Who was he with? He had time to socialise? But not with me? Why did I even care?

I was craving for Ramly burger earlier. That was the only reason why I had made my way to Geylang Serai in the middle of the night. Actually, there was another reason, but it was wishful thinking. I had planned it and played the scene in my head countless times yesterday. I thought I was ready to execute it when Fate decided to play a cruel joke on me.

Anyway, we browsed along the food stalls. There were too many stalls selling Ramly burger. Why is that? While deciding which stall to patronise, I kept all my senses wide open. I didn't want to be caught in a situation which I couldn't get out of.

Then, someone beside me called out, "Din!". I turned to the direction of his call and there he was! Standing right across me! I panicked and made a sharp turn to walk the other way. I panicked! I didn't know why but I panicked!

I didn't think he saw me. He was never an observant person. Then again, I don't really know him even after all these years, do I? From afar, I could see that he was with his friends. Probably guys from the station. They looked young though. NS boys I guess.

My friend, being a prick that he is, suggested that I went up and said hi to him. Actually, insisted was more like it. He said I should surprise him when he least expected it. He's right. I should get over this nonsense. As Liam Neeson said in Batman Begins, "to overcome fear, you have to be fear".

Me: "Hi!" (smirk with raised eyebrow)
Din: "Hey! What are you doing here?" (surprise)
Me: "What are YOU doing here?"
Din: "I'm with my friends" (don't bother to introduce friends while friends look bewildered)
Me: "OK." (start to walk away)
Din: "Who are you with?"
Me: "I'm going home anyway." (purposely not answering his question)
Din: "OK. Bye."
Me: (walk away)

That went well, didn't it? But my friend just couldn't resist making me miserable again by making us walk back towards his direction so that we could get to the other side of the street. I'm surprised I didn't have a cardiac arrest there and then.

As expected, Din messaged me right after with the expected question asking who was I with. I just wanted to answer that I was just with a friend but my idiot friend thought otherwise. He talked me into playing his silly psychological games with some psychobable explanation as reason.

By the time we finished our teas at a nearby coffeeshop, I had smoked about 8 sticks already. In about 2 hours. The Ramly burgers we bought had long been eaten. Mine didn't taste as good as I had hoped but it was most probably due to the upsetting situation earlier.

I told my friend about Din and how he had chosen to be at the Nicole Highway accident instead of being with me at the hospital. It was the first time in a long while I had spoken to anyone about it. I mean anyone who had read my blogs know about it but I don't usually talk about it in person.

I didn't think telling a guy you like that you had an abortion was a really good idea. I'd forever be branded in a negative light. Apparently, abortion is unforgivably worse than promiscuosity. Oh well, he has his eyes on another exotically-blooded girl anyway. Someone of his own age. It'll be good for him.

Anyway, after all the high drama, I suddenly felt like throwing up. This wasn't bulimic or drunk throwing up. This was something new. And I really threw up. Everything! And more! It wasn't just food that was forcefully yanked out from my throat. All those misery, hatred, anger, sadness and disappointment as well!

I threw up near my car too. After I couldn't throw up anymore, I started to hyperventilate. It was mild hyperventilation but it wasn't good. I was really messed up! At times like this, I just want to crawl back to mommy's womb and never, ever want to come out.

I miss D. He would know what to do but we can't be together. My friend tried to be helpful and I thought he did a good job by not saying much or offering advices like most people would do. Then again, he's a psychology student so I shouldn't give him too much credit.

To thank him for being there, I taught him how to drive. It was the least I could and it was positive distraction. Normally, I'd end up having sex with anyone who's been nice to me at that moment but I seriously didn't think that was a very good idea. I like teaching, especially to a fast learner. It makes me feel useful.

It was 4.30am when I sent him home. 10 minutes later, I was home too. This was one roller-coaster ride which I hope never to ride again. My body can only throw up so much and my mind can only spin as much. Even till now, Din has been messaging me about the "new guy". I decided to leave it to his imagination.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, October 13, 2005 @ 1:20 pm

Dear Blogger,

"There are so many different names for this unique smoking device. Some call it a hookah, hooka, shesha, huka, nargile, narghile, shisha, nargila, or shishah. The sheesha (nargile as it is known in the Middle East) has been the standard of smoking for centuries in the middle east and originated in Turkey over 500 years ago."

Those who frequent Arab Street would know what I was referring to. I was at Samar last night (again) with a friend because he suddenly craved for sheesha. I'm not really big on sheeshas but it's quite an idyllic , almost hedonistic way to idle away time. That, coupled with mindless banter.

I had a short latte with the strawberry-flavoured sheesha. Actually I shouldn't have espresso at that hour. It was 1 in the morning! But I haven't had my caffeine fix for several days and with the shit I've been getting these days, I thought I deserved really good coffee. And it was a satisfactory cup of coffee. Not too frothy. Not too milky. Not too sweet nor bitter. Just the way I like my coffee!

I wished life could just be as hedonistic as that. For that one and half hours, I felt like I had no worries what so ever. It was like zen mode where everything seems to have fallen back to place. Of course, when you're there at that hour, the streets should not offer you anything BUT peace and quiet!

I watched Parenthood just now on Star Movies. I don't know how many times I've watched that movie but it's a really feel-good movie. But for the first time, I cried at the end of the movie. Not because it had a sad ending but it had such a happy and sweet ending that my tear ducts couldn't help themselves!

What the hell is wrong with me? I cried watching Armageddon last Sunday. Now I cried watching Parenthood? I'm really, really turning sappy aren't I? I just had my menses so it can't be PMS. Is menopause possible at my age? Oh dear God hope not!

Could it be the biological clock again? Can you hear it? Tick tock tick tock. My body is practically screaming that it's ready for familyhood! It's not my fault! It's not like I don't want to get married, have kids and live happily ever after! It's just that Prince Charming knocked on the door of the wrong house!

You know, with all the progress made on the gender equality issues, why do I feel that women now are more discriminated than before? If you're a career woman, you're made to feel guilty. If you're a homemaker, you're still made to feel guilty! What do men want from us anyway? I wonder if it's in their genes to make terrorise women albeit consciously or unconsciously.

Isn't music great? I find music the most effective way to explain and express what I feel most of the time. When I feel like shit, there's Radiohead's "Creep". When I'm lost, there's Travis' "Driftwood". When my heart's been broken, there's Alanis Morissette (just pick any of her songs from her debut album) or even Carly Simon's "You're So Vain".

Maybe this new song by the Sugababes can express clearly how I'm feeling right now.

I'm busy throwing hints that he keeps missing
Don't have to think about it
I wanna kiss and
Everything around it but he's too distant
I wanna feel his body
I can't resist it

I know my hidden looks can be deceiving
But how obvious should a girl be?
I was taken by the early conversation piece
And I really like the way that he respect me

I've been waiting patiently for him to come and get it
I wonder if he knows that he can say it and I'm with it
I knew I had my mind made up from the very beginning
Catch this opportunity so you and me could feel it 'cos

If you're ready for me boy
You'd better push the button and let me know
Before I get the wrong idea and go
You're gonna miss the freak that I control

I'm busy showing him what he's been missing
I'm kind of showing off for his full attention
My sexy ass has got him in the new dimension
I'm ready to do something to relieve this mission

After waiting patiently for him to come and get it
He came on through and asked me if I wanted to get with him
I knew I had my mind made up from the very beginning
Won't miss this opportunity so you and me could feel it 'cos

If you're ready for me boy
You'd better push the button and let me know
Before I get the wrong idea and go
You're gonna miss the freak that I control

If you're ready for me boy
You'd better push the button and let me know
Before I get the wrong idea and go
You're gonna miss the freak that I control

I've been dropping so many hints
You're still not getting it
Now that you've heard everything I have to say
Where we gonna go from here?

After waiting patiently for him to come and get it
He came over and asked me if I wanted to get with him
I knew I had my mind made up from the very beginning
Won't miss this opportunity so you and me could feel it 'cos

If you're ready for me boy
You'd better push the button and let me know
Before I get the wrong idea and go
You're gonna miss the freak that I control

If you're ready for me boy
You'd better push the button and let me know
Before I get the wrong idea and go
You're gonna miss the freak that I control
(I control)

If you're ready for me boy
(For me boy)
You'd better push the button and let me know
Before I get the wrong idea and go
(Oh, oh)
You're gonna miss the freak that I control

Ohhhhhhhh Ohhhhh Ohhhhhh

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, October 12, 2005 @ 7:03 pm

Dear Blogger,

I can't stand it! I get shit from outside home and I get shit from inside home! My dad has been on my case for days now and I seriously don't look forward to breaking fast at home anymore. Every break fast, without fail, he makes me feel like shit and a loser.

He does this every year. Every year! Now he keeps reminding me about the stupid car accident. As if I'm not tormented enough as it is. He keeps reminding me that it's all retribution for going against him. Blah blah blah! You know, he's so big on morals and ethics yet he himself is going against what he preaches.

He kicks up a fuss everytime I get into trouble with the law but he forgets that he too has moments with the law. How many times have I wrote appeal letters to the traffic police for him? How many times have I bailed him out from his debts with his cab rental? And let's not forget his brief affair in the food business ladies and gentlemen.

God! I don't need to be patronised! I've feelings you know! I'm not stupid you know! I know my mistakes! He doesn't know how difficult it is for a 25-year old SINGLE woman to still be living under the same roof with her parents. Does he know the shit I get in school? In fact, he doesn't even believe that I'll graduate! Can you believe that? Some dad huh?

I can't stand this anymore. I'm out of here!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, October 11, 2005 @ 12:09 pm

Dear Blogger,

If you're like me, almost everything that you do, hear, see, smell, taste or feel will remind you of some piece of memory of different emotional levels. Last night, I was at Swensens, Changi Airport Terminal 2. Before the terminal was renovated, Swensens was at what I thought was a strategic location: the level overlooking the departure floor.

Now, the restaurant has taken over the space where the Coffee Club once was. I have not been there since Valentine's Day 2002. It was there that I had my first Valentine's Day dinner with my first boyfriend and receiving my first Valentine's Day gift. Din surprised me with a Manchester United bear called Fred and a small red box with a star-shaped diamond pendant, attached to a white gold chain.

Nobody has ever given me such gifts before, let alone a diamond. I remembered trying very hard to hold back the happy tears. I didn't get him anything for Valentine's Day because I didn't believe in it. I offered to pay for dinner instead and thanked him with a long goodnight kiss afterwards.

Those were the days huh? Nothing specially romantic has happened ever since. Din has changed a lot. So have I. He's become more distant while I've become more manic towards the ever eluding love. After weeks of not hearing anything from him, he's been asking me since last week to spend time with him this weekend. I haven't answered him yet.

I don't think it'll be a good idea. He's only looking for me because he hasn't been getting any. All that crap about him missing me and still loving me is just that, crap! When will he ever get it in his head that it's over between us? I've run out of simple words to explain to him.

But there's this small part in me who keeps reminding me that beggars can't be choosers. Despite all his faults, he seems like the only guy who's crazy enough to still want me. Love is so complicated isn't it? It's never like in the books or movies. I think the media should be responsible enough not to mislead impressionable people like us.

Watched "The 40 Year Old Virgin" after dinner. I had expected raunchy comedy but I was still uncomfortable watching erected penises and masturbation scenes on wide screen. I didn't know that guys find it hard to pee with a rock hard penis. I didn't know that you can do stuff with a shower head. I didn't know that your skin can bleed after body waxing. There's just so much I've yet to learn.

The movie is basically the "American Pie" for adults. At the end of the movie, you'd realise that the movie isn't about sex at all. It's about choices. It's OK to choose to be a virgin. I thought the lead character said the sweetest thing ever in the last few scenes. He thought that he'd never get it but he realised that he was waiting for her (the girlfriend) all along!

Don't you think that's sweet? Ooookayyyy... I know I'm a sappy bitch at heart. I admit that! I cried while watching Armageddon on Sunday! I think that's enough romance novels for me for the time being. Haha!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, October 09, 2005 @ 11:59 pm

Dear Blogger,

Last Saturday night, after work, I went to the Asian Civilisations Museum. It had a 24hr event to mark the last day of its "Journey of Faith" - The Vatican Collections exhibition. I thought it was cool to explore the museum while everyone else was asleep.

Surprise, surprise! Even at close to midnight, there was a long to queue to enter the museum. It was most probably because the event was free. Singaporeans are suckers for anything that's free. Best still if you throw in a movie marathon and live performances.

Since I came alone, I didn't want my mood to be dampened by queuing. So I decided to watch the free movies first, which didn't need any queuing at all. Besides, it was a particular movie in the programme that made me want to go to the museum in the first place.

The movie was "The Name of the Rose" starring Sean Connery and Christian Slater. It was adapted from a prize-winning book of the same name by Umberto Eco. I tried reading his books but they are not easy to read. Umberto writes very challenging books.

When I first watched this movie (I was in my teens I think), I instantly fell in love with it. I love the murder mystery genre and this movie has a mediaval Sherlocks Holmes as its lead. It's lead character was even named William of Baskerville. Baskerville? Arthur Conan Doyle? Sherlock Holmes? Get the link?

This movie was also set in the medieval Roman Catholic setting which till now, remains somewhat of a draw to me. It's not everyday that I get to see a Christian monk in an abbey (I've not seen one in real life). It interests me to learn of the different factions of the religion and the denominations' different intepretations of a common religion.

Of course, there was Christian Slater. Hearthrob for the pre-boy band adolescents like me. He looked so beautiful in that movie that I was convinced that he was really pure at that time. Last Saturday night's version was the uncut version. It was the first time in the countless times that I've watched the movie, that I've got to watch Christian Slater naked.

There was this scene in which Adso (Christian Slater) was seduced by a peasant girl. Customary in most French-related films (the director's French), the girl was naked in no time. She wasn't a bad sight though. Perky breasts and butt. Slater was a tad too skinny and pale. Then again, the whole movie was set on snowy mountains.

What made me uncomfortable was that it was a sex scene. It wasn't just a sex scene. It was a virginal love sex scene! I already came alone. I don't need to be reminded of how alone I was with a sex scene. The fact that I had not been with a man in 4 weeks really made it worse.

As always when I'm alone, tears just fill my eyes. I didn't bother to wipe them these days. I just let it flow. It's not like anybody bothers to notice anyway. I really hate doing things alone. I really hate being alone. It makes me feel like I'm a loser.

Anyway, after the movie, I went upstairs to the gallery to look at the Vatican collection. It was breathtakingly inspiring. It was as if I was in the Louvre again or some Roman church in Rome. I felt transported into some movie or novel that involves either Indiana Jones or Dan Brown. Again, I wished I had somebody there to share my wonder.

My friends aren't really into these kind of things. They're either domesticated people or boring people who do the norm. The cab driver that night even asked me if I was local because I enjoyed going to musuems. He said most Singaporeans don't appreciate these things unless they're free. Then he assumed that I travel a lot. Funny.

He made me think again if I really fit in this society. Personally, I don't see the fuss about doing anything different. I'm comfortable going to a club as well as a library. I just don't understand why more people are not comfortable with that. What's so intimidating about libraries or museums? I don't think they are boring places.

I reached home in time for a bath and a meal before fasting begins. I was actually worried that I might not reach home alive! The cab driver was awfully tired because I could see that he was swerving in both lanes all along the ECP!

When I asked him if he was alright, he gave muscle spasm as an excuse. I think he was slightly offended when I told him that he wasn't fit to drive in his condition. Well, he shouldn't drive! It wasn't his own life that he's risking. It's mine too and I'm a paying passenger even!

In overall, I'm glad I didn't miss the exhibition, even though I was alone. At times, I craved for some company but was I asking too much? It's always moments like these that I miss having a boyfriend or at least someone who appreciates me for who I am. It just doesn't seem fair that I'm still single.

Anyway, I've been told by a male friend that if I tell a guy that I like him, he'd have the upper hand. I wouldn't want that to happen. I guess I'll just deny it like I always do. Why allow myself more hurt and disappointments right? Denial! That's the way to go!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, October 07, 2005 @ 3:14 pm

Dear Blogger,

I didn't get the CDC/CCC University bursary. It was worth $1000. I just submitted the application yesterday and now I've been told that I don't qualify. Sigh. My income is slowly depleting because most of my students are finishing their exams already. Tuition assignments won't come in until at least in December. What am I going to do now?

You know it's funny how when I was working, I so badly wanted to be back in school. Now that I'm in school, I just can't seem to meet the financial demands of being a student. I work double as hard as anybody but I'm losing everything. The disappointing thing is that almost everybody doesn't recognise that. Most think that I'm living a luxurious life.

It sure looks like it doesn't it? But looks can be deceiving. Just like this whole island. It looks clean, green, efficient and well-off. But if you scratch the surface, there's a lot of dirt and grime people don't want to clean at all. Best sweep it under the carpet.

The only bright spark from all this is that I may be ready to step into the heady world of relationships again. I just don't know if the other party knows it or is even ready for it. How do you tell someone that you... err... like that person? I find this very uncomfortable and very alien.

I forgot what it's like to be in a blissful relationship. I forgot what it's like to go on a date. I forgot what happiness feels like. I forgot how a man's hand feels like when he's holding my hand. I forgot how to respond to a man's subtle advances such as when he purposely rest his head on my shoulder or tickles me silly because I called him an idiot.

I should not hope too much. I'll just disappoint myself again. Perhaps it's best that I just stay an arm's length away from men. I should just laugh whenever one of them say they like me or ask suspiciciously when I'm told that I'm interesting to be with or nice. I should be more careful with men. I guess my heart's really closed now.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, October 06, 2005 @ 3:04 pm

Dear Blogger,

My cold's getting better but I'm still leaving my DNA all over the place. I'm still feeling lethargic but not as bad as yesterday. I managed to research about Internet2 at the new Lee Kong Chian Reference Library at Bras basah. I even managed to walk over to the disconnected SMU Administrative Block to submit my bursary application. All this under the hot bloody sun!

As convenient as my campus is, I wish that everything is connected somehow. Thus protecting sensitive pedestrians like me from the unbearable heat of the sun. I know we're a pampered lot. We spend ridiculous amounts of our taxes on having lifts on every floor, rain shelters in every housing blocks and that ridiculous conveyor belt thing at Dhoby Ghaut MRT station. I can understand its usefulness at the airport, but at the MRT station???

I'm going to treat myself to a movie tonight. Do you know what I miss most about going to the movies? KarmelKorns! Those popcorns melted with caramel and butter. Orange Julius used to sell them. I used to buy large buckets of those KarmelKorns at Pavilion. Normal popcorns just don't do it for me anymore. I know I came across those KarmelKorns recently but I can't remember where. I'm not even sure if it was on this island!

I wonder if the Geylang Serai bazaar is worth going this year. It's like a Malay institution. During the fasting month, it seems like the whole Malay community is there at the bazaar. Oddly, I think only about 20% buys something from the bazaar. The rest, like me, are just there because we just have to. God knows why!

The bazaar was much more happening in the past but as I grow older and as the times and generation change, it has become just like any other bazaar. It has more foreign-influence now. For a few years now, it's Bollywood-influenced. I wonder what's the influence this year. Hip-hop perhaps?

Also, you can't help but come across someone you know at the bazaar, either from the present or the past. I've come across ex-flings, present flings and future flings in the past years. It's a small world after all. For once this year, I'd like to be there with a boyfriend and not a temporary stand-in.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, October 05, 2005 @ 12:27 pm

Dear Blogger,

Today's quote is "You know that when I hate you, it is because I love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul." by Julie de Lespinasse. She was the hostess of one of the most brilliant and emancipated of Parisian salons and the author several volumes of passionate letters that reveal her romantic sensibility and genuine literary gifts (courtesy of Britannica Online).

It's such a romantic quote isn't it? That's how I feel about Din. I hate him, yet I know that's just because I love him so much. Of course, he doesn't deserve this adulation from me at all. That I'm very much aware of. Why can't I channel this intense love on everything else but him? On my studies perhaps?

It's a stay-at-home-in-bed day. I'm awfully sick and I just swallowed pills which I have no idea what they're for. I found them in my drug kit. I've forgotten that I have a drug kit. I forgotten how much of a prescribed drug junkie I was.

Of all days, I've to be sick today. I have a mid-term paper tomorrow and I haven't studied at all! I don't know if I could study with my condition. I've learnt not to force myself. I'll just make it worse if I do. Wouldn't it be nice if life is like the sweetest dream? I'd not have anything to worry about and I'd probably be sipping refreshing fruit shakes while reading a good book, in a high-rise apartment with top-to-bottom windows that overlooks the clear, blue sea.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if Gael Garcia Bernal or Brad Pitt is right here with me? Who's Gael? He's the hot, hot, Mexican actor who starred in The Motorcycle Diaries and former boyfriend of Queen Amidala herself, Natalie Portman (lucky girl!) Gael looks like a darker, older Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Porter), who by the way, is growing up to be such a dishy gentleman.

I missed that episode of Friends in which Brad Pitt guest starred. Darn! I kept seeing the trailer on Star World and he looked so bloody gorgeous in that blue sweater and spiky hair. Darn! Darn! Darn! I was not really a fan of Brad Pitt until I watched Mr and Mrs Smith. Didn't realise that he has a funny bone in him.

OK. Obviously the drugs are starting to kick in. All these nonsense about gorgeous men isn't really me talking. Really! I'm just going to cuddle up in bed and pray that the terrorists get their penises castrated while a rich, tall, handsome and single young man serenade me with Tiffany diamonds and roses. Haha! But I'm serious about the terrorists.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, October 04, 2005 @ 12:49 pm

Dear Blogger,

I woke up with barely a whisper from my throat and a runny nose. It was still early but I had to get dressed to volunteer at the Children's Society in Yishun. I was already absent last week and I didn't want to make it a pattern.

There's a direct bus to Yishun from my place and it's only about 40 minutes ride. But of all days, today, some idiot must crash his car onto someone else's right after Jalan Kayu exit. As a result, there was a massive jam on the TPE (SLE) all the way from Sengkang. Do you know how far that is???

By the time I reached Yishun, I had been sitting in the bus for almost 2 hours. I didn't feel like volunteering anymore. So I went to school. I didn't want to go to school today but because there's a project meeting, I had to drag my butt from Yishun to Stamford Road.

In the train, my cold got worse. I was sniffing all the way to school and I'm sniffing still. The sad thing is, I can't afford to see my doctor. That's how broke I am right now. I thought I could study here in the library but I procrastinated so much that I don't know what I was wasting all that time on.

I better go have lunch and coffee. My last lunch till 30 days later. Oh wait! I can't start fasting tomorrow. My body decided to menstruate now. It's late. I was supposed to get my menses one and half weeks ago. Everytime I'm late, I worry endlessly. For obvious reasons. But this time around, it's more worrying because my last sex (that was 3 weeks ago!) was not with Din!

I don't think I'll have sex anytime soon. Ever since I bought the vibrator, I didn't feel the need to be with a man. Of course, I miss the hugs and kisses and the oral. You can't do all that with a toy. But it does its job well so it's a give and take.

I miss intimacy though. I don't know if I should pursue this guy but every part of my body is telling me "NO!". I think I'm still afraid. Besides, he isn't making any move at all. I think! He might have. I might have been too daft to notice it I think. He should start making BIGGER moves you know. Oh well. I'll give him a month. If he doesn't make his move by then, cest la vie.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, October 03, 2005 @ 5:30 pm

Dear Blogger,

I just read about the Bali bombing and it made me very, very upset! I know that it happened about 2 days ago (that's how out of touch I am) but I just read about it in detail in today's papers. What is the world coming to? Did these suicide bombers think that by blowing themselves up, they'll be worshipped as matyrs or that God will grant them a special place in heaven?! What a bunch of idiots!

No group had claimed responsibility yet the Indonesian government believed it was the work of the Jemaah Islamiah (JI). I really don't understand their motive. What are they doing this for? Please don't tell me it's for Islam. My arse! I may not have stepped into a religious class in years but where does it say in Islam that blowing up innocent people is the right thing to do???

I think these guys were sexually abused by their religious teachers when they were young. I couldn't think of any other reasons why their interpretation of Islam is so perverted. Bali isn't even an Islamic island although Indonesia is. Bali is predominantly Hindu.

If these people want to correct the wrong, they should look within their own circles first. Islam itself is torn in two. Most Muslims are so peace-loving that they will do almost nothing to stop these minority idiots. That's sad isn't it? The media and the Western governments (especially the narrow-minded Americans) should also get their facts right and not associate Islam with these terrorists!

How unfair it is whenever a bomb explodes, the culprit isn't just a person but a whole religion! If it was done by a Christian, you don't hear the blame on Christianity. Even if that guy's preaching the Gospels, he'd still be acknowledged as the cuplrit but not Christianity.

Many young people are already disillusioned with religion, not just Islam. We don't need people like Osama, the Al-Qaeda group and JI to disillusion us anymore. Islam is supposed to be a tolerant religion. Not a religion of fear. This seems like a far-fetched suggestion but if everyone, expecially the religious teachers, stop preaching Islam with fear and negativity and instead teach us the goodness of Islam, then maybe we will come to love and appreciate Islam the way God and Muhammad intended it to be.

Let's all pray for the innocent people who died in this tragedy. Let's all unite in condemning these acts of senseless terror. Let's all not stay silent in condemning them. We've stayed silent far too long already. This Ramadan, my prayers go out to the victims of any acts of violence. May God act as He sees fit, on those souls who have been misinfluenced and terrorising the innocents with their man-made weapons.

Have a good Ramadan everyone.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, October 02, 2005 @ 1:46 pm

Dear Blogger,

It's been a long time since I've sat for a mid-term and when I finally did, I realised how very unprepared I was. It was sort of like a wake-up call but like I've said, it's hard to just focus on studying when there are so many things that are either equally important or equally urgent.

For example, I can't tell the judge to drop the case because I've exams right? Nor could I tell URA to stop issuing me parking tickets because I'm a penniless student. I'm dying to leave this country. It's not that I don't appreciate what this country has to offer but I can't seem to reach the best of my potential here.

I miss Paris. I think Paris will be good for me. It has it's dark sides but at least I think, Parisians appreciate the beauty in everything. If I can afford it, I'd like to do some social work across Europe. Perhaps right after I graduate. No need to rush into the drab corporate world yet. Life isn't worth working just for money really.

I'd like to go to London too or some parts of UK. I've always wanted to study in the UK. As a child, I've had grand dreams of Oxford or Cambridge. Those grand dames of universities inspired me to study. I wanted to be in that crowd. A crowd who doesn't just study but who thinks too!

I have never really warmed up to the US. Harvard is a great school but all that American bravado is such a turn off. It doesn't matter anyway. I'll never get into any of these great schools. I'm not that smart nor that rich.

I've been hanging out with this particular guy a lot these days. He's an OK person but he's young. Maybe I've been hanging with older people often that I've forgotten what it's like to feel young. Anyway, we don't have any sexual chemistry but I enjoy his company, as a friend of course.

I don't know much about his relationship history and I don't think I will ask him. The less personal I know that someone, the less likely I'd get emotionally involved with him. It got me to thinking if this is how my future liasons will be like. I mean purposely putting a barrier between the person and me so that I won't get into a situation which I will most likely regret later.

I admit that I have this fear of getting hurt emotionally. As such, I push the possibilities of love aside. But how contradictory then that love is the one thing that I long for constantly. Love is such hard work don't you think? And the sad thing about it is that, sometimes, all that hard work doesn't necessarily produce the outcome you've expected.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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