modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Thursday, September 29, 2005 @ 1:59 pm

Dear Blogger,

I didn't sleep well last night. I was at Momo but I only stayed for an hour. I was in bed by 11pm but I tossed and turned more than slept. I woke up at 5.30am, just as my alarm clock rang. But while I was on the road to school, I could barely keep my eyes open. I had to reach my destination soon before I caused any major accident on the expressway.

I slept in the car for about 15 minutes. I wish I could sleep more but sleeping in a car isn't meant for long hours. Surprisingly, I managed to stay awake for the software engineering class. Probably that black coffee. I actually paid attention in class!

I'm going to throw up my lunch soon. I shouldn't have ordered rice. I guess I must have subconsciously trained my stomach to reject rice. I shouldn't be surprised after all those years of bulimia. Despite that, I'm developing really bad eating habits.

When I have the appetite, I'd be snacking all day. When I don't feel like eating, I don't eat at all. I can even forget to eat! In my family, we were taught not to waste food and not to be choosy. So we eat almost anything that's edible.

Strangely, only the females in family gain weight. I hate my brothers because they're still scrawny even though they have the biggest appetite of all. But I'll bet they'll put on all those weight after they're married. I hope the opposite will happen to me. I want to be a scrawny 45kg. It's ridiculous I know, but it's not impossible.

Current society is not friendly to fat people. Even in job hunts, thinner and prettier people get the jobs. Let's accept it! Who are we to blame for this? Men of course! It wasn't even the women who started those female magazines.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, September 28, 2005 @ 8:46 am

Dear Blogger,

As expected, I failed my Finance quiz. It was a very bad fail but I wasn't surprised. I wasn't even bothered. That's worrying. I should be bothered! What the hell is wrong with me?! Maybe I just can't see the point of being in school anymore.

It's just not fair you know. If I quit working and just focus on studying, I don't think I can survive financially. Look around! Most other students still get some form of allowance from good ol' parents except me. I'm already getting unnecessary pressure to settle down from the folks at home.

Maybe if I've a boyfriend who'd support me and motivate me. It wouldn't be so bad, would it? Who am I kidding? I have better luck with 4D than boyfriends. I'm beginning to think that Din was a fluke. Maybe he wasn't my boyfriend at all.

What is a boyfriend anyway? What's the role of a boyfriend? I'm often amazed at how easy the terms boyfriend and girlfriend are labelled to any other person but me. Maybe I'm an idiot. At this moment, I feel like an idiot. I don't even know what a boyfriend is!

I'm going to flunk this term. I knew it! I can feel it in my bones! I have to drag myself to school these days and that's not good. It's not just school. It's basically everything! Even Momo doesn't do it for me anymore! Somebody please wake me up!!!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, September 27, 2005 @ 8:50 am

Dear Blogger,

I went to court yesterday and guess what? The case was adjourned without my knowledge! So I spent all that time and money travelling from home to the court and going round in circles looking for that particular court in that damn ugly building, just to be told that the other lawyer had requested for the case to be adjourned.

Of course, the other lawyer claimed that he tried to contact me. HELLO!!! If you need me urgently, you can always leave a message in my voice mail! That's what it's for! Sometimes I wonder what's all that education is for.

Upset, I went round and round in circles about town. In my heels no less! I'm having sore feet now but the pain doesn't compare to the pain SOME people have caused me. I met my girlfriend and we had beer at Paulaner's. I ordered a 1 litre jug of beer, which I shared with another friend, whom by the way, isn't much of a drinker.

Can't remember how many sticks of ciggies I've smoked last night. I'm feeling the sore in my throat now. I'm not complaining. This is my suicide! I'm feeling sleepy again even though I slept quite early last night. It was a warm night wasn't it? Probably the effects of all that beer in my body.

This morning's front page was about bloggers again. This time, some local students were made to remove their "flaming" remarks about their teachers. Even on the Internet, the government wants to censor. You don't hear it happening in the States or Europe do you? Only here.

The government never fails to take the fun out of everything. Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on the government so fast. Maybe I should blame it on the people too. I've been flamed so many times and even harsher too but do you see me running to the police about it? Nooooooo! Why? Because it's futile and if I did, I'm being a hypocrite myself.

I really despise this society. It's so rigid and it doesn't tolerate failure. Not many people here think. We are such a nanny state that we have to be told what to do, where to go, how to go about it and why we're doing it. We let the government worry about all that while we worry about our own materialistic needs.

Where do I belong then? Anywhere I go, I'm a minority. I don't like being a minority. Too much scrutiny being a minority. I'm like a schizo aren't I? I crave attention, yet I seek invisibility. I'm a walking contradiction!

How long should an infatuation last? Where should the line between infatuation and genuine liking be drawn? Oh oh! Moddie has a crush! I can't have crushes!!! Crushes are for silly little schoolgirls who spend their time doodling hearts on their note books! I'm not a silly little schoolgirl. Besides, I can't doodle.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, September 26, 2005 @ 11:27 am

Dear Blogger,

I just had my video job interview test this morning. I had to take a cab to school because I fell asleep after dragging myself to shower at 7 am. It was a 5 minutes test but it cost me $13.50 for the cab fare. I didn't too well for the test. Most probably due to lack of preparation.

I didn't care much for the test. I didn't care much for school these days either. How could I when I've to go to court (again!) this afternoon??? I already know the verdict. My presence is just formality. It didn't matter that I was traumatised for several weeks by the car accident. It didn't matter that it took me 6 months to pay off the damages to the car.

None of that mattered because I couldn't afford to counter the claims by the fucking workshop! I couldn't afford a surveyor to access the actual damages. I couldn't afford a lawyer to battle the legal bullshit for me. The law is blind to the struggles of a penniless student who couldn't even ace a job interview test.

It also didn't matter that I'm in this on my own. It's funny how coming from a large family, I'm usually on my own. It's very funny that not only do I clean my own mess, I clean other people's shit too! Din should have been here. He was at the scene when it happened. As usual, he's nowhere to be found. And this was the person whom, a long time ago, I wanted to marry and have children with.

I took the train home. What is it about public transports that make me want to cry? What do I always feel so alone in them? Is it the solitude? Is it the sight of the couples who look like they're in love? Is it because I couldn't escape from them? I hate public transports!

I'm supposed to study for my economics and finance mid-terms but I couldn't. My mind's not in it! I don't know where my mind exactly is. It seems to be in several places at once. I feel like giving up everything. I couldn't seem to find my strength anymore. I wish I could just hide from the world. Just hide and forever forgotten.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, September 25, 2005 @ 12:08 am

Dear Blogger,

Once again, I'm alone. It's a really crappy feeling to be alone. I can understand that people can't always be there for me. Who would want to hang with a needy person like me anyway right? Constantly looking for companionship but always ends up disappointed and hurt.

I don't want to be here anymore. I don't know where I could go though. Anywhere but here surely. But what is here? Is it a physical location or just some state of being? Would I be happy anywhere? Somehow I think I know the answer to that and it doesn't sound good.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, September 24, 2005 @ 9:52 am

Dear Blogger,

I bought my first vibrator last night! Yeay! My friend and I went to Secret Affairs out of boredom but I knew I'd end up buying a vibrator there. It was the one I liked ever since I first saw it a few months ago. It's small, sleek and strong. It wasn't one of those cutesy Japanese toys. Annoying buggers those Japanese products.

When we first came, there were many guys lingering outside the shop. They were basically gawking at the shop display and trying to take a peek inside. That annoys me greatly. It's a shop damn it! You're supposed to go into the shop and browse! We must have been quite an attention because we have the balls to go through the door, unlike these guys.

Inside, there were nobody else in the shop except the two sales staff. I went straight to the vibrators and saw what I wanted. I see-sawed whether to buy it or not in my head for a full ten minutes until I realise that I won't stop thinking about it until I buy the damn thing!

Funny thing. Not long were we in the shop and suddenly, there were more and more people in the shop. I hope that was just coincidence because if it's not, then that's another bad thing about Singaporeans. They want something but too "shy" to get it. I'm beginning to believe that women will eventually rule the world.

It was just like at Beach Road earlier when I had sup tulang. What's so strange about a young woman licking, biting, chewing and sucking five bones? Granted that it looked like I had a ravenous appetite but since when is having an appetite a crime?

My friend said I was flirting. I surely was not! I'm just a friendly person that's all. But it's strange how that comment had affected me now. Maybe that's why women in general don't particularly like me. They think I'm stealing their limelight, guy, partner, whatever. Oh please! I don't need to do all that to get those guys to come to me. I just have to figure out what was it about me that attracted them. My forthright personality perhaps?

Now that I've gotten a vibrator, I've got to learn how to use it. Extremely hard to believe but I've never masturbated in all my life! I just never learnt to! These days, masturbation is medically accepted as something healthy to do. So, for the sake of my mental health, I'll learn how to masturbate! I don't know why, but that sounded very humourous. Haha!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, September 23, 2005 @ 12:17 pm

Dear Blogger,

I went to Rouge last night to check out John Molina and the Kruegers perform. Actually, it was more like I was dragged to Rouge to check out the band. I pretty much expected a Bar None kind of performers because John Molina used to play there. I'm not really into rock bands these days but I went nevertheless.

When I reached there, I suddenly remembered that Rouge's entry limit is 18 years and above. Oh boy. That was last thing I needed. Kids! I wasn't in any mood to entertain or be entertained by the antics of immature, hormones-raging adolescent. But since it was almost 1 am when I arrived, it wasn't too bad.

Interior-wise, Rouge has a warm ambience. Reminded me of an asian boudoir. It made me just want to lounge seductively down on the sedan and sip champagne. Ooh by the way, I must patron Fluid Bar on one of the Wednesdays. It's free flow champagne for ladies on Wednesdays.

By the time I arrived, the band was about to play its last set. The first song was Pink Floyd's "Another Brick in the Wall". What a classic! It's one of those songs which is so difficult to cover but John and the boys did a decent job at it.

It was only when they played Coldplay's "Speed of Sound" that I noticed how the drums were stirring feelings in me. Not the drummer but the drums and the beats. The drummer wasn't bad-looking either. I was told that he was in his 30s and married. Darn! I'm not going there ya.

My friend teased me all night on my fascination with drummers and percussionists. It wasn't a fascination in the first place. Who can resist a good beat anyway? It was purely coincidental that D was a percussionist. Besides, I think singers and guitarists have been getting the limelight far too long already. Give the rest of the band members some attention too.

They ended with Greenday's "When September Ends". Such a poignant song, don't you think? i just love the video. It's such an in-your-face criticism of W's agenda on the Gulf War. Why can't our local musicians be like that? Anyway, John didn't have the vocal range to do this song well. It was kind of disappointing but I thought the drummer and bassist saved him.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, September 22, 2005 @ 6:35 pm

Dear Blogger,

I woke up this morning feeling an intense amount of stress. Stress which I knew would lead to something destructive. I don't know where this stress came from or what had caused it. Since I couldn't find any logical explanation for this, I blamed it on the dream I had last night.

I dreamt of D again. In my dream, we made love. This must be a big deal because I don't usually "make love". Right after which, I was invisible to him while he pursued another woman. I don't know why that bothered me so much. I have no reason to feel jealous at all.

But I woke up, feeling angry, confused, lost. I don't think I was feeling like that just for D. I was angry with Din. I was angry with my dad. Basically all the men who've crossed my path! But who am I to feel that way about them?

Then, there's school and work and the volunteering and the legal cases and the financial hot soup I am in right now. On top of that, I've my diminishing marital prospects and my louder-than-ever biological ticking clock!

Am I being punished for the abortion? I just thought of that because the ultrasound scan of my uterus was pasted on the notice board in front of me. I had it pasted there as a reminder to what damages love can do.

PLEASE! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE THESE TEARS STOP! LEAVE ME ALONE!!! No... please get me out of here... Save me...

I've had sporadic bursts like this the whole day. Should I be worried? I'm a lost cause aren't I? Nobody's looking for the girl with the broken smile. That's ok. I'm ok. I just have to keep pretending to be strong. I just have to put up with this charade for as long as I can. What was it you wanted moddie? Could it be that you're haunted?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, September 21, 2005 @ 10:49 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm dangerously burning out at a very alarming rate. It's only the 5th week of school and what have I learnt? What have I done? I still have no idea what all my professors are talking about. I still have no idea what language my textbooks are written in. I'm starting to wonder if I'm in the wrong course.

How do I know if I'm stressed? I start eating again, without throwing up. Maybe eat isn't the right word to use. I snack. Snack and snack and snack. I generally don't snack. I'm pretty conscious of what goes into my mouth (I hear the sexual jokes coming in).

Besides snacking, I tend to sleep a lot. That's not correct either. I tend to WANT to sleep a lot. I was having an extremely difficult time opening my eyes this morning. Even after my shower, I felt like I was still asleep! Come to think of it, I don't really remember what I did after the shower. Did I have breakfast? I think I did. But what did I have for breakfast?

I want to go home and stay in bed. I want to lie and cuddle all my little babies in bed. I want time to stand still for a few hours. I want to be left alone!!! Wait! That's not right. I want to be taken care off!!! Yes, that's it! I want to be pampered! I want a papa bear to take care of mama bear. OK. Now I know I'm really sick. I don't do mushy talk!!!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, September 19, 2005 @ 10:51 pm

Dear Blogger,

Sex in Singapore is one of the least done activity (according to the Global Durex Sex Survey). Therefore, good sex is rare. Mind-blowing sex is EXTREMELY rare! Based on my limited experience, local men, especially who have not had some form of overseas exposure, are very bookish in their approach on sex. In other words, these men are boring. Sadly, they make up 90% of the male population here.

Their approach is the very predictable top to bottom method, and it doesn't even go all the way to the toes! I judge a man's potential in his kisses. If he's a good kisser, he's likely to be good in cunnilingus. I regard cunnilingus high on my list of "What Makes Sex So Good!". Hard to believe but I've yet to reach an orgasm solely on oral sex.

What makes our local men so boring in sex? Could it be the education system? Could it be the rat race culture? I find that most Singaporeans are so used to efficiency that even in sex, it must be done fast. Forget romance! Forget seduction! But isn't the fun in sex about the before and after experience of sexual intercourse? I find greater thrill in the teasings than the actual sexual intercourse itself.

Fret not ladies. There's still the 10% of men we can rely on. They are usually not the faithful boyfriend/husband material but who cares when they can bring you to multiple orgasms the whole night. I've learnt that it's not about the numbers. It's about choosing the right guy to fuck with. Accuse me of being picky but I'm being treated to hot squirting orgasms. Otherwise, thank God for plastic and batteries!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, September 18, 2005 @ 1:08 am

Dear Blogger,

It's the full moon again and it's one of the loneliest full moon I've ever experienced. I'm forgotten again. What is wrong with me??? Why do I throw myself like that just to feel loved? Or be loved? Why do I always think that the problem is me when in actual fact, it's not? Do I really have such low self-esteem?

I really don't want to be alone you know. Who does anyway??? I want to be treated like a special person every day. Doesn't everyone??? I want to be romanced and if possible, literally experience being swept off my feet by the man of my dreams. People keep telling me that there is always someone for everyone. Yeah right. And I'm the one swallowing the pills every now and then. Geez!

It would be nice to date again wouldn't it? But who am I kidding? Who would want to ask me out on a date? Most guys are afraid of me. The only ones who are not afraid are married, gay or simply out for a fuck. Maybe I'm really experiencing sexual depression because believe it or not, I'm not interested in sex anymore!

I think I'm infatuated with a guy. I think infatuation is the right word because it's probably something temporary. When I reassure myself that it's just an infatuation, I know I wouldn't waste so much of time and effort pursuing it. I don't know much about this guy but I really enjoyed myself being with him last night.

Or I could just be drunk. Then again, the drinks at Zouk ain't that great anymore. It used to pack quite a mean array of poison but last night, the drinks were as bland as water. Expensive water at that! Maybe it's safer if I think that it was just the alcohol effect. That way, nobody will make a fool out of herself

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, September 16, 2005 @ 7:27 pm

Dear Blogger,

I pampered myself again by getting a manicure and pedicure. I also treated my sister to a pedicure. I tend to indulge myself in pedicures only but today I just felt like doing my hands too. Now I remembered why manicures are such hassles.

Barely 5 minutes after leaving the salon, I scratched one of my nails. Although the effect is minimal, the nail polish is damaged. It wasn't like I wasn't careful. I was very careful! But it always amazes me to know how some women manage to leave the salon with their nail polish intact.

It's different for toes. You don't take the money out from your purse using your toes do you? You don't dig out for your car keys from your pocket using your toes right? Nevertheless, the nail polish still looks fabulous. I just have to get used seeing bloody red nails on my hands that's all.

I love my toes. They never look this sumptuous since January. I had the same flowery nail art done on my big toes. If I didn't, they would look utterly boring. More excuse to flaunt those sexy strappy heels huh? Don't I sound like a bimbo? I feel like I do. Then again, it's not everyday that I forced myself to pamper myself. Can't afford to anyway.

I'm thinking what to wear to Zouk tonight. What do Zoukettes wear anyway? Jeans and tees? So boring! I haven't worn my halter neck dress in quite a while. I don't know if it even fits! Some studies have shown that smoking curbs appetites but I must have been smoking wrongly then. My appetite's still the same and my weight fluctuates in a constant pattern.

I've been asked a brain-stopping question. How does my youth recruitment drive event benefit the community? I thought I had the answer all along but when I think about it over and over again, I really don't have a bloody good idea. I have to find the answer soon if I want this event publicised by Mediacorp.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, September 15, 2005 @ 3:00 pm

Dear Blogger,

I've got something to write about after all. The big news lately has been about the rising cases of dengue fever. Whenever there's news about Singapore, there's bound to be comparisons. Like how similar cities like Hong Kong and Shanghai has fewer cases of dengue.

How can a modern city so advanced like Singapore have the highest rising cases of dengue in the world? That's what WHO claimed. These comparison cases or studies have always been suspicious to me personally. How can anyone compare Singapore and Hong Kong? Besides the fact the Hong Kong has Disneyland and established casinos, its weather is so much cooler.

It's just like those statistics on the 100% job rate of SMU graduates. Well, it's true that all the SMU grads found a job within 6 months but that's odd considering how this institution has been pushing us towards a career path instead of a job path.

All these outbreaks that we've had (SARS, bird flu, etc) would have been dealt more effectively if people had been more willing to change their mindset. There is still this archaic mindset about AIDS being a homosexual disease, fucking young girls are better for the libido, male babies have more worth than female babies.... I could go on and on. So is there hope? I don't know about hope but I believe everyone can do something to change mindsets.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 2:12 pm

Dear Blogger,

I think I'm sexually depressed. I don't even feel like blogging. I'm just drifting through the day. Suddenly life through my eyes isn't exciting anymore.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, September 14, 2005 @ 3:50 pm

Dear Blogger,

There are high days. There are low days. Today is a super duper low day. Firstly, I woke up only to find myself rushing through traffic to get to class. Secondly, my sister had helped me to pack my notebook inside its bag, but she forgot to insert the battery. These were fine. I told myself to see them as half-full instead of half-empty situations.

I made it to class on time, except that I had to pay ERP along the way. Usually, I don't have to pay ERP at all because there's no ERP charge through Bencoolen Street before 8am. But because the traffic light was red right before the gantry and the waiting time was, maybe God knows 10 min, as soon as it turned green, the ERP became operational.

My sister had packed the notebook's power adapter so I could still use it in class. But I couldn't use it anywhere else where there were no power socket to be found. What's the point of carrying a notebook around if it's not portable?

Then, right after class, I spilled a quarter cup full of coffee onto my table, my pants, my chair, my bag and on the carpeted flooring. What I was so concerned about was my seat because it was one of those office swivel chairs and it was soaking wet with coffee. I had to make multiple trips to the ladies to get rolls and rolls of toilet paper to wipe the excess coffee off. Where was the cleaning auntie/uncle when you need them???

Sad to say, the chair was a gone case. Even if it managed to dry off after several days, there will be a huge and ugly coffee stain on the seat. Then there was the carpeted flooring. Not as bad as the chair, but there were visible coffee stains. I was trying my darnest to get as much coffee off the chair and carpet but you can't really do much with toilet paper.

The brand new campus is barely half a year old and already I've damaged some of its properties. I feel so much like a criminal right now. It's vandalism isn't it? At least I think it was. Hopefully the cleaning staff cleans every room every weekend. But I've a feeling he/she only cleans the toilets. What heartbreak!

With coffee-stained pants and bags, as well as a coffee-dripping pencil case and not forgetting a pissed-off mood, I just had to leave school for the day even though I had Economics later in the afternoon. That wasn't the end yet. My tummy was making queasy feeling. It wasn't a stomachache or an empty stomach (I was starving though), I felt like throwing up but not really throwing up. It's one of those horrible feelings which you can't describe.

And finally, there was an emergency at home so I had no choice but to cancel all my appointments in school today and rushed home. My heart's too weak to accept all these nonsense in one day. The queasy feeling's still there but I still don't know what it is! It's really fucking stressful!

I thought maybe it's my lack of sexual activity lately that's causing me to be so disoriented. It's not like I didn't want it. Just that the guys whom I wanted to do it with are "scared" of me! That was quite a bombshell. I mean I knew that I can be intimidating to a lot of guys but I didn't know that they're really scared of me.

I am just so scared about stepping out of the house now in case any more mishaps happen. I didn't even bother to park my car at the multi-storey carpark! I was wishing that mosquitos would bite me and infect me with denggue. At this moment, two-week stay in a hospital feels like a holiday. I didn't even care if nobody would come and visit me in hospital! I just need to shut down my system!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, September 13, 2005 @ 6:26 pm

Dear Blogger,

It has been an exhausting day for me. Not that I've done anything personally productive. My company had this inter-department challenge this morning and I was "volunteered" to help out with the logistics. Nevertheless, it was an inspiring day because I got to finish reading Anita Roddick's book. She had unconsciously revived my activist spirit.

I emailed Anita about it. That was how inspired I was. I received a reply. Not from her but from her communications director. She of course thanked me for writing to Dame Anita Roddick and she will convey my message to Anita as soon as possible. OK, so it wasn't Anita who replied but at least someone replied.

This is from a poster at The Body Shop's HQ in Littlehampton. I love this one!

because women's work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or repetitious and we're the first to get the sack and what we look like is more important that what we do and if we get raped IT'S OUR FAULT and if we get bashed we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we're NAGGING BITCHES and if we enjoy sex we're NYMPHOS and if we don't we're FRIGID and if we love women it's because we can't get a 'real' man and if we ask our doctors too many questions we're NEUROTIC or pushy and if we expect community care for our children we're AGGRESSIVE and 'unfeminine' and if we don't we're typical weak females and if we want to get married we're out to trap a man and if we don't we're UNNATURAL and because we still can't get a safe, adequate contraceptive but men can walk on the moon and if we can't cope or don't want a pregnancy we're made to feel GUILTY about abortion and for lots and lots of other reasons we are part of THE WOMEN'S LIBERATION MOVEMENT...

I started working on the SPPA Youth Committee's youth recruitment drive again. This time, I was very determined not to let it fail. I've got the funding which I've requested but now, I wanted more. I wanted more organisations to participate. I wanted the event to be a community event. I wanted it to be informative as well as fun.

I've already submitted the proposal and budget. I'm planning to write in to business organisations and non-proft organisations for possible partnerships next week. I've drafted a list of all organisations who might be interested and I make sure that I add at least three more organisations to the list everyday.

I've also included a fund-raising activity in this event. I plan to sell t-shirts. Not just any t-shirts. But t-shirts with a humourously serious (an oxymoron!) message. I've already secured a designer to help with the visuals. But I think what I really need is serious advertising. One animal activist group actually engaged Saatchi & Saatchi to design their products for free!

Sounds like a one-woman project huh? Where are the rest of my team? You know what? I don't care. I'm not going to wait for volunteers or anyone for that matter. I'm not going to allow internal conflicts demoralise me. If anyone is interested to participate, I am just an email or phonecall away. I always welcome interested and committed volunteers.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, September 12, 2005 @ 9:48 pm

Dear Blogger,

I've just watched Speed on telly. That was such a classic action movie. It made me remember how crazy I was about Keanu Reeves at that time. I first watched it in the cinema in the late 90s and I've watched it countless times since. Still, the movie has yet to bore me.

Even now, oh God, Keanu looked so hot with that buff body. Whenever there was a shot of him from behind, I just wanted to bite on his tush. Keanu is so much slimmer now but he still looks cool. But back then, he was one of the first few men who had managed to stir sensations between my legs.

And the fact that he played an LAPD SWAT, that just upped the desirable factor. Tall, fit, buff body. Short-cropped crew haircut. Macho SWAT uniform. Big... guns. Killer smile. I'm mentally masturbating myself right now. Dear God, let me dream of Keanu tonight...

Hard to believe but Din used to look like that. He's not as tall as Keanu but his body size was proportion with his height. While Keanu's character was a sensible risk-taker, sadly Din is not. Even till now, I can't ever see Din saving me from any form of danger.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 9:11 am

Dear Blogger,

There will always be days in a month in which your hormones over-react and you'll be, as Rachel Green puts it, "erotically charged". For guys, I believe it's every 25 seconds in a day. I was so "erotically charged" last night but I was so horribly frustrated.

He wanted it. I wanted it. So what's the problem? Sometimes, people confuses plain, "get the animal out of your system" sex with romance. I really hate that! When I'm just plain horny, he thinks that I'm still crazy about him. Has the world turned upside-down already? Where are all the REAL men???

Last night's rejection was worse than that guy in Argentina who passed me over for a man. But you know what? I'll get over it. I'll just keep telling myself that it's his loss. As they say, one man's loss is another man's (or woman's) gain right? I've learnt never to wait for anyone. I'm not going to waste my precious time sitting by the phone waiting for him to change his mind. I'll just sleep on it. Literally.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, September 10, 2005 @ 11:57 pm

Dear Blogger,

It must be wedding season again because there's another wedding near my block. Also, as I was going to work, I saw three other weddings along the way. I guess these people want to get hitch before the fasting month arrives. They're probably in their early twenties, judging by their cheesy wedding set-up. No offence, but I'm just an outsider.

A friend asked me last night if I want to get married. I said no because looking at all the married men I've slept with, marriage has become nothing but a big joke. He just smiled at me. I don't know if he's amused by my answer or if he's secretly sad for me.

I'm reading a book by Anita Roddick titled "Business as Unusual". She founded The Body Shop by the way, but more importantly, she's an active activist. While reading the book, I so wanted to be more proactive with my causes. But Anita made it seemed so easy for her.

How many of us could just pack our bags and go marching down the streets of some big city everytime the WTO is organised? How many of us could fly off to the remote parts of Africa and participate in the local's traditions? How many of us could start a global chain of shampoo shops with just a few thousand dollars?

Despite my humanitarian nature, I feel like I'm constantly playing tug-o-war with the practical side of me. I wanted to excel in many things but it's so difficult when you have unsupportive people around you. How could I possibly be on the Dean's list when I spend half of my day working for money? How could I help change the world when I've outstanding bills to pay?

If only I could disappear for awhile. Come back a different person. You know, like that mythical phoenix. How responsible will I be if I just disappear? I will probably come back with even less support. It's tough being me but I'm strong. I've no choice but to be strong. Even when I am too tired to be strong.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, September 09, 2005 @ 4:06 pm

Dear Blogger,

I missed this morning's class again for the stupidest reason. I had a hangover. I was at Thumper last night and all I had was vodka orange, which seriously speaking tasted of just orange juice. Maybe it was the vodka cranberry that did it. Then I remembered that I didn't have anything to eat since my late lunch.

That was the worse hangover I ever had. Then again, I only had two such incidents before. I was too drunk but I was smart enough not to drive. The problem was I couldn't find anyone to drive me home. I didn't want to leave my car at Goodwood Park. The hassle of coming back there in the morning was just not an option for me.

My friend managed to get someone to drive us home. I can't really remember who but I knew there were two guys in the front seats. I remembered talking about sex and how foolish I feel right now. That was one embarrassing moment. I should remember to send these guys a thank you card or something.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

Food Diary

Breakfast: 2 tablets of panadol.
Lunch: 2 servings of white rice and assam pedas.
Dinner: Don't know yet.
Supper: None.
Cigarettes: None.

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Thursday, September 08, 2005 @ 3:59 pm

Dear Blogger,

Last night, I emailed Shan Wee from 98.7FM after mindlessly surfing into the radio's website. I told him how much he looked like my ex-crush and that my sis mentioned he looked like Aide Iskandar. Personally, I don't think he looked like any of those guys. Probably the way he was photographed made him look like them.

Guess what? He replied!!! He asked if my blog was really X-rated. You know, "rated R(A) - contains explicit and offensive materials - for mature adults only". When I first made that statement, it was in sarcasm. The key words were MATURE and ADULTS. Think about it! Most adults are not mature and most mature people are not adults!

Oh man! I am so star struck at the moment. And to think I've traded saliva with some local celebrities before. I wonder if Angelina Jolie would reply if I write to her. What would I tell her? That I've had wet dreams of her several times already?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 10:37 am

Dear Blogger,

I had diarrhoea in the morning, causing me to miss this morning's software engineering class. The first absence of the semester. I was hoping for a perfect attendance but when you have to go, you have to go. I'm drinking water in gallons because I feel dehydrated every few minutes. I don't know what I ate last night. Did I eat anything last night?

The school work is piling. I've to get rid of them one by one immediately, otherwise I'll be drowned again like last year. Sometimes I wonder what's the point of having an electronic organiser when I don't discipline myself enough to follow it?

I've read all sorts of management books (time management, stress management, work management, etc) and they all say the same thing. It's all about priorities. The interesting ones would say it's about saying NO too. But how do you say no to assignments given by your course intructors? I've said NO to a big chunk of my social life already so I don't think I want to sacrifice anymore of that. I need my social life! All work and no play makes moddie a very grumpy girl.

A friend asked me out to Thumper tonight. I so wanted to go but I've to finish my homework first. I've never been to Thumper. It's supposed to be ladies night tonight. I hope the crowd's OK. More importantly, I hope the music isn't house or techno. I can only hear so much of Crazy Frog. I wish all these electronic rip-offs would just explode into a cloud of dust.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

Food Diary

Breakfast: 1 serving of mutton murtabak.
Lunch: None.
Dinner: Don't know.
Supper: None.
Cigarettes: 5 sticks probably.

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Wednesday, September 07, 2005 @ 2:31 pm

Dear Blogger,

I bought another pair of shoes!!! I couldn't help myself. They were seriously calling out to me, "BUY ME! BUY ME!". At just $19, how could anyone resist? This new pair is so classic 70s. It's so Charlie's Angels. I have the short Farah Fawcett hair. All I need is a long flowing dress.

I also bought an MP3 player at about $170 but it's 1GB! I had to buy a financial calculator too because I was struggling with my scientific calculator. Lastly, my friend made a pitstop at a tourist shop which sells accessories for $10 for any 3 items. I got sucked into buying 2 bohemian necklaces (with the huge gem-like stones) and a pair of dangly earrings.

I am so financially busted and this is supposed to be retail therapy. Yeah right. One very expensive therapy. Now I need a bag to go along with all those shoes...

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 7:54 am

Dear Blogger,

This is a confession of a revived shopping addict. I set out to buy the hairstyling set and I did. I also set out to buy a pair of shoes and I did. But more. I am a shoe-daephile. I don't know about other women but when I'm in a shoe store, I just want to stay in there forever.

It's not just the shoes. It's the organisation, the colours, the clean lines, the bright lights, the mirrors... The shoes are usually organised by price but they can be neatly organised by type and rarely by colour. They're rarely by size because almost all shops display their smallest sized shoes anyway.

This reminded me of a Friends episode. One of the last seasons I think. Chandler and Monica visited a couple who had adopted a child for some information sharing. Monica was having an orgasm because the mother of the adopted child organised her adoption research papers by date, type and colour coded in a clean white thick ring folder. She wouldn't even let Chandler touch the file! Damn hilarious!

Anyway, back to shoes. I bought a pair of pink platforms. I love platforms. They're easier to walk than stilletoes but equally sexy, especially the strappy kind. I love wedges more but they're hardly around these days. I also bought a pair of what some of my girlfriends called "arse kicking" shoes. They're one of those killer pointy stilletoes. They make any ugly feet look oh-so-sexy.

I almost bought an iPod Shuffle too but the debate that went on in my head made me return the packaging to its shelf. My conscience kept bugging me, asking me do I really need an MP3 player? It's odd why my conscience never asked me that when I bought 2 pair of shoes earlier on. So I drew a list!

Yes to MP3 player!

  • For those boring days when I'm travelling without my car (that'll be 3 days per week).
  • Saves on SMSes because I don't have to SMS people when I'm bored (they hardly reply anyway).
  • It doubles as a thumbdrive.
  • Some models have FM tuner and voice recording too. Good for learning languages!
No to MP3 player!
  • I can use the money to pay bills.
Hmm... looks like no contest isn't it? So, do I really need an iPod? It's such a cool thing to have isn't it? Maybe I don't. Any decent MP3 player will do. It's about function baby. Not aesthetics!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

Food Diary

Breakfast: 1 cob of steamed corn, 1 slice of kaya toast, 2 boiled eggs and 1 cup of coffee.
Lunch: 1 serving of white rice with some padang chicken dish (threw up).
Dinner: No idea.
Supper: None.
Cigarettes: Preferably none.

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Tuesday, September 06, 2005 @ 9:49 am

Dear Blogger,

My upstair's neighbour is having some renovation work. The drilling is driving me nuts! And it's not even 10 o'clock yet! Isn't there a law against construction noise in the morning? Tuesdays are supposed to be peace time for me. I don't want to go out so early but looking at how this noise is really grating my nerves, I might be out of this place earlier than usual.

The house has been almost empty since last Saturday because mommy, daddy and little sis went on holiday in Thailand. Damn! I wish I had a lover! I hardly bring anyone home anymore. I don't even invite friends over these days. The last such invitation was five years ago. I guess it's just tedious answering pointless questions to my parents about who's who.

I feel like going shopping today. I haven't had this feeling for quite awhile huh? I wish I had a shopping buddy. I don't care what the person's gender preference is, just as long as he knows what he's doing. I'm thinking of buying one of those hair styling set. I have this sudden urge to have corkscrew curls on my head. I never liked my curls. That's why I often chop off my hair to boyish-like haircut.

My sis tried flattening my hair once with a flat iron (the hairstyling iron, not clothes iron!). It made my hair less curly but it's not flat. More importantly, it's the bonding between sisters. Although we're 12 years apart, we've treated each other like Barbie dolls since she could start to crawl. She's now strongly advocating me to get married. Sigh. The pressure.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

Food Diary

Breakfast: None.
Lunch: 1 bowl of Maggie's instant noodles (Assam laksa), 1 serving of french fries (unsalted) and 2 pieces of fried chicken.
Dinner: 2 pieces of Japanese pizzas, 3 pieces of those Japanese balls and 1 glass of green tea.
Supper: Most definitely none.
Cigarettes: None.

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Monday, September 05, 2005 @ 6:16 pm

Dear Blogger,

He fetched me from work today. I've had second thoughts about it ever since he made his intentions known. I had gone so well without even thinking about him last week that it'd be such a waste if I go all miserable again because of him. I don't know why I gave him that second chance. What was I expecting to happen? That things would be alright again?

I couldn't even stand the sight of him! I didn't let him touch me nor breathe onto me. I didn't know who that person anymore. It's definitely dead isn't it? So why the hell isn't he letting me move on? What is he holding on to? I've already told him that I'm no longer that person he once knew. I am not in love with him anymore.

It did pain me to see him look the way he did. Nobody wants to be the bad guy in a relationship but the thing is, there is NO relationship anymore! I don't want to be emotionally blackmailed anymore. It's just too tiring. I wish there is a way for me to get my message clear to him. He simply refused to accept that we are over.

He should have thought about that before he got married, apparently out of spite for me. Any other woman would have been cruelly unforgivable. Besides, I've given him too many chances, too much of my time and too much of my energy. If he thinks I'm not being reasonable, then so be it. My mental health is no longer wasted on him.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

Food Diary

Breakfast: 1 piece Breadtalk's "apple worm".
Lunch: 2 pieces KFC crispy chicken, I regular KFC whipped potato and 1 regular Pepsi.
Dinner: None.
Supper: None.
Cigarettes: None.

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Sunday, September 04, 2005 @ 12:42 pm

Dear Blogger,

I guess attending the bursary presentation yesterday wasn't such a bad thing after all. I met a really cool guy and even though I left him my name card, I didn't expect him to ask me out that night. I didn't even expect to hear from him again.

He introduced me to what I suspect will be my new drinking hole at Chijmes. How have I not come across Liberte bar all this time is beyond me. Great latin-infused jazz and chill out music, comfy make out couches, nice ambience, not too crowded... it's all great except the drinks. For $14 per glass of cocktails, they're bland.

From the word go, we were both at ease with each other. We settled down comfortably on the couch and started talking about stuff. Mostly sexual-related issues (because I'm an activist on that) but it wasn't lecherous. It's really refreshing to be talking about this stuff with a fellow student. Most of the time, there's no maturity or depth to such conversations if it's with another student.

A cherry moved it up to the next level. Before I knew it, we were both crushing the cherry in our mouths. Cherries have never tasted this good till now. It was such an ingenious trick that I wondered how come no other guys had ever thought of it. Just recalling that moment now is making my tits erect.

He was really talented. I mean really talented. I think I've finally found a worthy contender to knock D off his sex throne. It's not often you meet a really talented local guy. Most are disappointingly small but it's always these same guys who think they're the greatest lovers on the planet.

I've forgotten how fun sex could be till last night. I might not see him again but I never had any expectations in the first place. Amazing what a simple hello could do. Add that with a touch of confidence and a generous dose of smiles. A recipe for a good night out.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, September 03, 2005 @ 1:14 pm

Dear Blogger,

There is something about the annual IKEA catalogue that never fails to give me a mini orgasm. The bright colours seduce the creative me. The simple designs appeal the systematic me. I am what my counsellor characterised as a Conscientious person. He gave me this analysis yesterday over lunch at Kopitiam Plaza by the Park. By the way, I just found out that SMU staff and students get 20-30% off at the Kopitiam there. Also, that the Kopitiam inside the campus itself charges more than other branches. Don't ask me why.

Anyway, I always ended up buying tealights, candles, notice boards, cushions, rugs, crayons and soft toys whenever I visit IKEA. That warehouse is evil! Its products are so incredibly cheap! Plus, its amazing colours and designs seem to have this inaudible voice that tempts me to buy at least one IKEA product. At least one! Sad to say, I'm a sucker to temptations. Sigh...

My next block neighbour is having a wedding. Not just that. It's a wedding with KARAOKE. How cheesy can my fellow Malays be? I know my dislike for weddings have often been documented here but I'm trying to be open-minded about this. I really am! But karaoke??? More noise than music to my ears. What happened to the traditional classy weddings of the past? Had fond memories of those actually.

I remember my late aunt's wedding in late 1980s. It was almost a week long event. There was an actual live band playing in the afternoon till night. There was a drummer, guitarist cum vocalist, bassist and keyboardist. The whole works! On the second night after the solemnisation, the bride and groom dressed in bridal gown and suit, cut their three-tiered wedding cake at the long dinner table. It was grand even to today's standards but it was a lovely wedding. My aunt and uncle were so much in love.

My uncle died in a road accident 3 years later. My aunt died of supposed cancer (I suspected it was of a broken heart) about 5 years later. They were barely in their late 30s. It was tragic but incredibly romantic too. I guess their wedding has since become the standard to which I was hoping to live up to.

I can't believe I cried at the Blue Bar Bistro last night. All because of a song, "For the Longest Time" by Billy Joel. The Acoustic Trio did a rendition of this song. This was our song! And the fact that my girlfriend brought her girlfriend (an actual girlfriend!) made everything so overwhelming for me. I was a lamp post for crying out loud! And these guys were playing songs about love and heartbreak! I can't handle that! Not now!

I also shed some tears today while collecting my bursary at the Singapore Polytechnic Convention Hall. Firstly, I was alone. My parents were too busy packing their luggage for their trip to some part of Thailand. I wasn't important enough. Secondly, I felt like a fish out of water because I wasn't Malay-Muslim enough. Their passiveness towards most things is something which irks me to the core. I just don't fit in anywhere do I?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, September 01, 2005 @ 12:37 pm

Dear Blogger,

There's something about horoscopes that make us keep reading about our star sign day in day out. Most sensible people (Phoebe-like people doesn't count) know that it's not to be taken seriously. But we read it daily like a guilty pleasure. We even wish that whatever good that was printed today will actually happen!

Horoscopes are a subset of astrology. The Greeks, of course, sort of invented astrology. Who else right? It started off as a tool for farmers to plant their crops. Somehow, centuries later when Plato revised it, astrology evolved into the astrology we know today.

For all Aquarians, here's a treat! I found this at a local online forum.

Aquarians basically possess strong and attractive personalities. They fall into two principle types: one shy, sensitive, gentle and patient; the other exuberant, lively and exhibitionist, sometimes hiding the considerable depths of their character under a cloak of frivolity. Both types are strong willed and forceful in their different ways and have strong convictions, though as they seek truth above all things, they are usually honest enough to change their opinions, however firmly held, if evidence comes to light which persuades them that they have been mistaken. They have a breadth of vision that brings diverse factors into a whole, and can see both sides of an argument without shilly-shallying as to which side to take. Consequently they are unprejudiced and tolerant of other points of view. This is because they can see the validity of the argument, even if they do not accept it themselves. They obey the Quaker exhortation to "Be open to truth, from whatever source it comes," and are prepared to learn from everyone.

Both types are humane, frank, serious minded, genial, refined, sometimes ethereal, and idealistic, though this last quality is tempered with a sensible practicality. They are quick, active and persevering without being self-assertive, and express themselves with reason, moderation and sometimes, a dry humor.

They are nearly always intelligent, concise, clear and logical. Many are strongly imaginative and psychically intuitive, so that the Age of Aquarius, which is about to begin, is much anticipated by psychic circles as an age in which mankind will experience a great spiritual awakening. The Aquarian philosophical and spiritual bent may be dangerous in that it can drive the subjects into an ivory-tower existence where they meditate on abstractions that bear little relevance to life. On the other hand it can help the many who have scientific leanings to combine these with the Aquarian yearning for the universal recognition of the brotherhood of man, and to embark on scientific research to fulfill their philanthropic ideals of benefiting mankind. When some cause or work of this nature inspires them, they are capable of such devotion to it that they may drive themselves to the point of exhaustion and even risk injuring their health.

Both types need to retire from the world at times and to become temporary loners. They appreciate opportunities for meditation or, if they are religious, of retreats. Even in company they are fiercely independent, refusing to follow the crowd. They dislike interference by others, however helpfully intended, and will accept it only on their own terms. Normally they have good taste in drama, music and art, and are also gifted in the arts, especially drama.

In spite of the often intensely magnetic, forthcoming and open personality of the more extrovert kind of Aquarian, and of their desire to help humanity, neither type makes friends easily. They sometimes appear to condescend to others and take too little trouble to cultivate the acquaintance of people who do not particularly appeal to them. They do not give themselves easily - perhaps their judgment of human nature is too good for that - and are sometimes accounted cold. But once they decide that someone is worthy of their friendship or love, they can exert an almost hypnotic and irresistible mental attraction on them and will themselves become tenacious friends or lovers, ready to sacrifice everything for their partners and be faithful to them for life. However, they are sometimes disappointed emotionally because their own high personal ideals cause them to demand more of others than is reasonable. And if they are deceived their anger is terrible. If disillusioned, they do not forgive.

Aquarians work best in group projects, provided that they are recognized as having a leading part in them. They have a feeling of unity with nature and a desire for knowledge and truth that makes them admirable scientists, especially astronomers and natural historians. They may excel in photography, radiography, electronics - anything connected with the electrical and radio industries - aviation and everything technical. On the arts and humanities side their progressive tendencies can be expressed in writing, especially poetry, and broadcasting, or as welfare workers and teachers. Some have gifts as entertainers and make good character actors (having an ability to mimic) and musicians. The more psychic among them possess healing gifts, especially in curing the mentally sick.

Among the faults to which they are liable are fanatical eccentricity, wayward egotism, excessive detachment and an inclination to retreat from life and society, and a tendency to be extremely dogmatic in their opinions. Aquarians can be a threat to all they survey or a great boon for humanity in general. Circumstances - for example, continuous opposition to a cause they hold dear - may cause the atrophy of the openness of mind that is one of the Aquarian's most attractive traits. They may express a lack of integrity in broken promises, secretiveness or cunning. Simmering anger and resentment, rudeness or, worse, a tense, threatening silence which may suddenly burst out in eruptions of extreme temper, these are all part of the negative side of the Aquarian. This can also reveal itself in a sustained hatred for enemies that is capable of enlarging itself into a misanthropy toward the whole of mankind.

Possible Health Concerns...

As Aquarius is said to govern the legs from knees to ankles and the circulation of blood, its natives are susceptible to ailments particularly in the legs and ankles, such as cramps, and are also liable to spasmodic and nervous complaints, as well as wind, catarrh, diarrhea, dropsy, goiter and delirium tremens - so that the avoidance of alcohol is important for those Aquarians who have a taste for it.

On a serious note, 800 Iraqis on pilgrimage died in a stampede on a bridge. I'm not even going to distinguish them as Shi'ites. There are reports that some Sunni muslims caused the stampede by spreading rumours of a terrorist carrying bombs in their midst. No wonder the rest of the world has been fed negative images of Islam. We can't even live harmoniously within ourselves!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

Food Diary

Breakfast: 2 pieces roti kirai with 1 serving of mutton curry.
Lunch: None.
Dinner: None.
Supper: 1 serving of mee hong kong.
Cigarettes: 1 stick.

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