modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005 @ 6:21 pm

Dear Blogger,

I had a very short day in school today. My Economics professor was sick today so I only had Finance class in the morning to attend. I'm beginning to warm up to my new campus. It sits right smack in the city centre and I must say that I'm ridiculously proud of it for some reason.

I don't know if it's because of the exclusivity of the school or the high-tech infrastructure. Did you know that I only got in on my second attempt? I know I didn't get in because of my grades. For awhile now, I think the school believed in me. I think she saw in me what most people don't see. What I find hard to believe myself sometimes!

As I look at my schoolmates, it dawned on me that all those publicity posters about how the school is "different" is really true. After awhile, nobody really cares how many As you aced in junior college or polytechnic. Everyone has her own unique talent and it's amazing how the school could see that even before we could see that in ourselves.

I still may not have any schoolmates to hang out after school hours but it doesn't matter. I'm content to being by myself. I'm content to just sit at one of the cafes in school and watch the younger students fuss about their grades. Occassionally, I'd meet someone and have interesting exchanges on social commentaries. But these are brief affairs.

For a long time, I've forgotten how to breathe. I've forgotten how amazing the flowers and trees look. I've forgotten how glorious the sunshine is. No, I'm not going mental again. Something came over me and I can't explain it. This whole episode oddly enough reminded me of Virginia Woolf.

"To look life in the face, always, to look life in the face, and to know it for what it is...at last, to love it for what it is, and then to put it away."

Sincerely,
modgurl.

Food Diary

Breakfast: 1 mug of Milo and 1 piece of rice cake.
Lunch: 1 serving of pad thai noodles and 1 glass of lime juice.
Dinner: I serving of white rice with some thick gravy dish (threw up).
Supper: None.
Cigarettes: 1 stick.

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Tuesday, August 30, 2005 @ 11:35 pm

Dear Blogger,

I was thinking about death today. No, not my death. I was thinking about what would happen if my dad dies. I don't know what triggered me to think about it but it is inevitable. My dad has diabetics for as long as I could remember. Perhaps that was why I've been very cautious with my sugar intake.

My dad has become a sorry sight of late. He was no longer than healthy-looking father I once knew. He looks bony and haggard now. For someone his age, he doesn't seem to have balding problems. That's something my brothers would not worry about.

My dad's a workaholic. He works all seven days in a week. He leaves the house early in the morning while we are all still in bed. He returns home right before dinner. I hardly see him around in the house because like him, I work seven days a week too. Unlike him, I only manage to be home earliest by 9pm.

What would happen if God decides to take him away? What would I do? Would I know what I to do? I don't think I would know what to do. Whom do I call? What should I say? My brothers just assumed that I would lead the way because I am the eldest child. But seriously, I am clueless.

Would he live long enough to see his little girl graduate? How about giving his little darling away in marriage? I wonder if he knows that I've given up on marriage hopes. How about grandchildren? I never knew both my grandfathers. Both died before I was born. Will history repeat itself?

It's odd that I would be thinking about this when I had just dreamt about marriage the night before. In my dream, I was getting ready for my solemnisation ceremony to some guy whom I have no bloody idea who. Just like all dreams, the scene later became irreverent when I found myself in some episode from a Harry Porter book. I was fighting monsters and a large spider with my magic wand, still dressed in my wedding outfit. I wouldn't say I didn't enjoy being a wizard-like character though.

What does it all mean? When I was waiting for my GCE 'O' level results, I dreamt that I failed my English paper. I didn't fail of course. I have never failed English in all my life! I just didn't get the grade that I was expected to achieve. Was my dream last night something like this? I'd probably get married but it probably wasn't what I hoped it would be.

Dream Interpretations from Dream Moods

Wedding

To see a wedding in your dream, symbolizes a new beginning or transition in your current life. Dreams involving weddings are generally negative and highlight some anxiety or fear. It often refers to feelings of bitterness, sorrow, or death. Alternatively, wedding dreams reflect your issues about commitment and independence.

To dream that you are getting married to your current spouse again, represents your wedded bliss and happiness. It highlights your strong commitment to each other. It may also signify a new phase (such as parenthood) that you are entering in your life.

To dream that you are planning your own wedding to someone you never met, is a metaphor symbolizing the union of your masculine and feminine side. It represents a transitional phase where you are seeking some sort of balance between your aggressive side and emotional side.

Spiders

To see a spider in your dream, indicates that you are feeling like an outsider in some situation. Or that you may want to keep your distance and stay away from an alluring and tempting situation. The spider is also symbolic of feminine power. Alternatively, a spider may refer to a powerful force protecting you against your self-destructive behavior. If you kill a spider, it symbolizes misfortune and general bad luck.

To see a spider spinning a web in your dream, signifies that you will be rewarded for your hard work. You will soon find yourself promoted in your job or recognized for your achievement in a difficult task. Spiders are a symbol of creativity due to the intricate webs they spin. On a negative note, spiders may indicate a feeling of being entangled or trapped in a sticky or clingy relationship. It represents some ensnaring and controlling force. You may feel that someone or some situation is sucking the life right out of you.

To see a spider climbing up a wall in your dream, denotes that your desires will be soon be realized.

To dream that you are bitten by a spider, represents a conflict with your mother or some dominant female figure in your life. The dream may be a metaphor for a devouring mother or the feminine power to possess and entrap. Perhaps you are feeling trapped by some relationship.

Wand

To see a wand in your dream, symbolizes the power of love. It also represents your will and good heartedness.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

Food Diary

Breakfast: 1 serving of nasi lemak with ikan bilis, cucumbers and fried egg.
Lunch: 1 serving of prawn crackers.
Dinner: None.
Supper: None.
Cigarettes: 1 stick.

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Monday, August 29, 2005 @ 9:39 pm

Dear Blogger,

I read a book by Anita Shreve today. It's called "Light on Snow". It's about a 12-year old girl and her father who found an abandoned baby while hiking in the snowy hills of New Hampshire. Even though it was the sophisticated book cover that attracted me to it in the first place, it was the story that made me read the 271-pages book in under 5 hours.

It is really a simple story about loss and hope. It is also about how sometimes, a young person's mind can be more mature than a fully grown adult. Then again, what does it mean to be an adult anyway? Nevertheless, it's the abandoned baby which struck a chord in my heart. These days, everything involving babies seem to trigger some emotions in me.

What does HE know right? He can tell me countless times how he regretted making me go through with it but he's not the one living with the psychological trauma. The bond between a father and a child is nothing compared to the bond between a mother and her child.

In the book, the baby was left to die in the snow by her young, spoilt, upper-class father. The mother thought her baby died due to birth complications but that was because that was what she was told! I could understand her torment. I could understand her confusion when she found out that she was pregnant. I could also understand her blind love to her boyfriend.

Blind love. What is it about love that makes a smart person so stupid all of a sudden? Is love a devil's game? Why is it that it's always women who suffer the most in love? Or is it because we women show our feelings more openly than men so much so that it seems that men don't seem to have any feelings at all? I would like to be a man. I want to be unexpressive like men.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

Food Diary

Breakfast: 1/2 serving of fried noodles.
Lunch: 1 serving of white rice with some vegetarian kicap dish.
Dinner: 6 pieces McD nuggets, 1 med McD twister fries and 1 reg McD Coca Cola Light.
Supper: 1 serving of fried noodles.

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Sunday, August 28, 2005 @ 1:05 am

Dear Blogger,

I know I'm supposed to write something but the words in my mind don't seem to string in sensible sentences right now. They haven't since my last post. I've been drifting again. Walking (floating is more like it) in a state of surreal existence. My usual vices don't seem to bring any high for me. Sex felt tragic. Cigarettes felt like slow suicide. Food was wasted in the toilet bowl. Even laughter sounded strained.

Every morning I psyched myself to a good day ahead. Every night I'm disappointed with something or somethings. I try to see the good in this world. I really do. I try to feel the love that always seems to linger in the air. Am I abnormal? I don't think I am. I'm sure I am not unique. I'm sure someone out there is feeling what I'm feeling right now.

It is said that God has plans for all of us. I wonder what are His plans for me? Is it His plan to make me think the way I do? I know it's His gift to me but as much as I want to embrace it, sometimes I feel it's a curse. With all these deep thoughts, something has got to give. I think that something is companionship. It's lonely to be me. It's lonely to be able to think the way I do. When I spend so much of my energy thinking about something, it means that I care about it. Sometimes, I don't consciously know that I care about it though.

I wish there is a Chris Martin out there for me. Lucky Gwinny. She found someone to fix her. As for me, I've lost hope of ever finding "him". If he's really out there, I'll bet he doesn't even care enough to find me. I'm just one of the millions of faceless people. Too insignificant to make a slight dent in his path. I guess I'm better off being just a speck of dust.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, August 24, 2005 @ 1:36 pm

Dear Blogger,

Today is my first day in school as a 2nd year student. School feels even stranger than before, or was it I who am a stranger to school? The first class was Finance. The professor assumed that everyone has financial background. Obviously I was lost in the lingo. After the 3-hour class, I was left with temporary brain damage.

I'm on a 3-hour break till the next 3-hour class. For 3 bloody hours, I can do so much. Yet, today, I'm left with nothing to do. I've done my chores already. I could read up on the required readings but I've no money to buy any of the textbooks. More brain-dead activity.

Sitting along this lonely school corridor, I'm reminded of how school isn't how I expected it to be. The students here are getting younger and I feel I'm getting older, mentally. The generation gap between us is getting wider. Maybe that's why I feel like I don't belong. Am I regretting it? Not really. Just feeling lonely.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, August 22, 2005 @ 9:14 am

Dear Blogger,

It's a shame how I throw myself at men sometimes. Desperately hoping that one of them will give me the love the I secretly desire. I wish I hadn't tasted love. Love is an awfully addicted drug. So easily tempted to embrace it, yet so difficult to deny it. I think, a love addiction is worst than an alcohol or drug addiction. Shouldn't there be a love anonymous somewhere?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, August 18, 2005 @ 11:09 pm

Dear Blogger,

I had another breakdown this afternoon. It was unexpected but I had a feeling about it. I felt it last night because I suddenly became tired of everything around me. I was at Momo as usual but Momo didn't feel like the usual for me. I only had two glasses but that was enough for me. I had water all the way. I only smoked two ciggies and even then, they didn't feel relaxing like they used to. I was dancing but that was only because I wanted to shake off this feeling of disillusionment.

I came into the office in the morning. I don't know if it's the office or if it was just me, but something just drained my spirit away and filled me with this intense emotion that only exploded hours after. It was as if there were Dementors hovering above me. I must have mastered the art of invisibility because nobody noticed the tears. Or possible that nobody wanted to notice. It's typical of Singaporeans.

I called out to Him but it was as if He had deserted me. I'm not surprised. Everyone's deserting me. I think it's because I care too much. People just don't know how to respond to that. I know I have a problem of letting go but since when has that become a crime? Well... there is a fine line between perseverance and obsession. I know what I've given up though. I've given up on marriage, love and a world where people care, tolerant towards diversity and treat one another equally. They are bullshit ideals anyway.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, August 16, 2005 @ 11:59 pm

Dear Blogger,

I never really liked Tuesdays. They are usually long days for me. But today, it was the most free day I ever had. I had the house all to myself. That means I don't have to get dressed. I can just walk around the house in a towel or bathrobe. The peace and quietness of the place was refreshing. It's a luxury for me.

I spent my day watching DVDs. Constantine was a great show. It's a popcorn movie but I didn't feel like deep thinking at the moment. I think I've done enough of those don't you think? I've been putting off watching it ever since the movie was first screened here. It was the usual case of having nobody to watch it with.

People are generally fascinated by heaven and hell and what's in between. Some people, like Tom Cruise, believe in the world out there but I'll get to that later. Remember "The Exorcist"? That was one hell of a movie huh? I have never watched that movie in its entirety. I never could! It was so freaking mind-blowing scary!

Then there was "The Amityville Horror". I remembered watching a lot of horror shows on telly in the 80s. There were some crappy shows but those were cable-less days. Unlike most school-going kids, I didn't have to sleep at a designated time. I didn't have any telly censorship either. I was free to sleep anytime I want and watch any shows I like!

So, back to Constantine. It ripped some parts off from "The Exorcist". But it was cool to see Neo, oops! I meant Keanu Reeves, battle off demons instead of techie virus geeks what ever. Besides, I think he looked so much better in shirt and jacket than those plastic black coats.

What's a killer was that the movie projected Gabriel as a rebellious androgynous young woman! Gabriel never looked this hot before. It's the lesbian in me talking again. This is the second movie which portrayed a woman as the bad guy/demon. The most bad-ass of it all was "The Passion of the Christ". Mel Gibson cast a woman for the role of Satan!

Then I watched "War of the Worlds". I guess I must have expected a lot from this movie. I was disappointed with it. Movies adapted from well-loved books have always been tricky. I enjoyed reading H.G. Wells classic. I don't know if it was Tom Cruise or the modernity of the movie that disappointed me. I think it's Tom.

I couldn't shake off Scientology everytime I see him on screen. This Scientology thingy is going to be his downfall. I can feel it in my bones. Such a pity don't you think? Such a lucrative career and he had to blow it off with his aliens beliefs. At least wait till he finally get an Oscar.

Then again, religion and faith is so subjective. People come up to me everyday and preach about religion (especially Islam) but they'd be drinking or fucking someone later. I don't know whether to laugh or cry everytime I come across people like that. I know where I'm going. Don't need to remind me. I guess it's human nature to correct someone else's mistakes instead of one self. The drama of a human world.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, August 15, 2005 @ 5:13 am

Dear Blogger,

God works in mysterious ways. God can be cruel too. I should never have gone to Brix today. It was a cruel twist of fate. The emotions overwhelmed me too much. I don't know if I could get over it soon. To be reminded of a ghost was just too much for me to handle.

I thought I had gotten over it but it rushed back to me like a deadly tsunami. I'm swept away in this fine existence between reality and a nightmare. This must what being in a coma feels like.

I felt used, abused and violated. But who would believe me when it was all consensual?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, August 14, 2005 @ 2:17 am

Dear Blogger,

Do you know what my fucking problem is? I fucking care too much! And I shouldn't even fucking care at all! Tell me why should I fucking care?! What does fucking caring for anything mean anyway? I give and give but what the fuck do I get in return?!

I want to be fucking ruthless so that I won't get fucking hurt anymore! I'm still fucking hurt you know. The year is almost gone and I'm still fucking hurt! Fucking deep emotional scars that wouldn't fucking heal.

Fuck love! Fuck friendship! Fuck family! Fuck passion! Fuck the government! Fuck this fucking system! FUCK YOU!!!

Fix You - Coldplay

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

... Who will fix me?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, August 12, 2005 @ 4:23 am

Dear Blogger,

I had a pretty leisurely day. I went for a job interview at Yahoo! Southeast Asia. They were looking for a part-time Customer Service Agent who could answer calls and emails in both English and Malay. The interview was OK. It wasn't too intimidating at all. I don't know if they want me but it was cool to check out the Yahoo! office. I had imagined it to be just the way it really was. It's a typical dot-com set-up.

Then I hung out at Bugis Junction. I couldn't buy anything because I'm broke. I'm always broke. Geez! Besides, there wasn't anything which I really wanted to buy. I could have gone home before my next appointment but I didn't want to waste time and petrol. You know what? An hour before my next appointment, I did go home!

I was sipping coffee at MacDonald's when I realised how uncomfortable my dress was. I knew I was going to hang out till late so it dawned on me that wearing a dress and platforms were not good ideas. So I went home. Changed as fast as I could to my torn jeans, spaghetti strap (practical reasons!) and classic LA Gear sneakers and I was ready to go.

Everyone I contacted was too busy to hang with me. So I decided to just go ahead on my own. Why should I live my life based on their schedules? I know it's awfully depressing to hang at clubs, pubs, bars, wherever on your own but I'm getting really sick of being rejected by friends. They kept saying that I should not be alone but really, where are they?

I went to Siam Supper Club and surprised, surprised! I could actually walk along the whole floor. It was my third time there but the last two times, I had never managed to walk 50 steps from the entrance. I even managed to get a drink this time! A guy from last night remembered me and I chilled with him and his friends. I got to know an American PhD as well. It wasn't a depressing night after all.

I just have to smile honestly and enjoy myself, with or without any buddies. And I must say that, all that networking bullshit I've learnt in school is finally paying off. I don't need to pay thousands of dollars to be told that the key to successful networking is confidence. I have loads of that! Too much sometimes that it intimidates local men. Not my words. Words from a lot of guys whom I've met recently.

What does that mean? Should I tone it down to fit the insecurities of local men? It's not my fault that they don't have as much confidence as I am. News flash guys! Confidence doesn't come from textbooks. A lot of things that you need to survive in the real world don't come from textbooks. It's good to know the theory but how you turn that information into knowledge and apply it is what makes you a great person.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, August 11, 2005 @ 12:37 pm

Dear Blogger,

I don't know how the relapse happened but it happened. I'm getting my life on track again. I'm back at work. School will be starting soon. I'm meeting people again. So life is almost like normal now. I still have a chip on my shoulder (and some deep scars on my wrist) but I feel helpless about them.

Unresolved issues are like neverending layer cakes or kueh lapis. I like to eat my kueh lapis layer by layer (and burgers too) but in my case, the kueh lapis keeps layering itself even after I've eaten a layer. So how the hell am I to resolve these issues??? Everytime I manage to settle one problem, another related problem emerges. It's crazy!

I've been to Momo on three Wednesdays now. I'm a Momo gurl! Even the bartender is expecting me next week! How cool is that? Last night's drinks were a tad stronger than before. Ladies' Nites drinks are usually more mixer than booze. But I was really out there right after the second glass! I didn't fuck anyone though. Making out in public is just not my thing.

I think the club should start paying me commissions because I always bring in new converts. What is the club's draw? Everything is of equal mix. Gender, race, age, music... And the patron are friendlier I think. I make it a point to get to know at least one person when I go anywhere. Everybody's there to just have a good time unlike in other clubs where people are there to be seen. I hate that!

Nobody cares who you are. When the place is packed (it's usually packed to the core!), you can just dance with whoever. Another top draw is the ladies room. There are like six stalls in the ladies! How many clubs do you know have that many stalls??? I love this fucking place!

I met someone who recognised me from my blogs. It's weird to be approached by someone like that for real. I just don't know how to react in situations like that. She also happened to be my former neighbour, whom I'm afraid I can't really remember. My grey cells must have really been fried last night.

I checked out the resident band last night. Then I found out that that wasn't the resident band. It was made up of a bunch of chinese chaps who carried decent pop rock tunes. I was sky high when they belted "With or Without You" by U2. I'm still not sure what that song is about but it is one of my all-time favourite songs.

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you

With or without you
With or without you

Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I'm waiting for you

With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

My hands are tied
My body bruised, she's got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you giveAnd you give
And you give yourself away

With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you

With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
With or without you

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, August 07, 2005 @ 12:59 am

Dear Blogger,

I really hurt myself today. Some people like to mock my suffering but yes, I purposely hurt myself today. I didn't go home so I booked a room. I stayed there alone because no matter what I do, I'm still alone. Nobody asked me where I was. None of my family members were concerned enough to ask me why I didn't come home. Nobody cared enough to ask if I was OK.

I filled up the bathtub with hot water. I finished a bottle of long island tea. There weren't sharp objects in sight. So I smashed the empty bottle. I placed my hand in the hot water. Picked up a broken glass. The first slice didn't go through. So I made several slices. And they still didn't go through!

I was hardly bleeding but there were deep scars. I guess I'm literally thick-skinned. I called SOS again. Wasn't it exactly a year ago that I've called them? The operator this time wasn't much help. He/she was eager to hang up. Nobody else to call really.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, August 04, 2005 @ 2:30 am

Dear Blogger,

I was at Momo again. It was Ladies Nite. That was the only draw. The music was OK. The crowd was OK. What's missing was sex. Everytime I go to a club here, I become more disappointed with local men. They just don't know how to react in front of woman! They just stand around with their buddies waiting for god knows what.

I'm a naturally friendly person. I may not look like it but I'm outgoing in a way. Too outgoing by Asian standards sometimes. I find it natural to chat up a guy or simply say cheers with them. I'd even light up their cigarettes! But guys here see that as either (a) I'm crazy, (b) I'm drunk or (c) I want to have sex with them.

99% of the time, guys never approach me. I don't know why. I may be wearing the most outrageous outfit but I'm invisible to the other sex. When I do approach them, they think that I'm too bold. Local guys don't like bold girls. They don't know how to handle us.

My teaching instructor once said that I fit so well in the States. As much as I'd like to travel to the States, I don't think living there came across my mind. Why can't this bloody supposedly democratic country open her arms wide enough to develop people like me?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, August 03, 2005 @ 1:33 am

Dear Blogger,

My mom has become more vocal lately about my single status. She's worried that at late 25 going on 26, I will never get married and move out of the house. In other words, I will continue to depend on my parents for food and lodging.

It wasn't like she was helping me with my single status at all. She didn't really encourage me when I decided to return to school. She didn't help me mend my broken heart either. I wouldn't say that she's a bad mother but she could have been more supportive of her first born and eldest daughter. As a mother, she should have been the first to offer her shoulders for me to cry on.

My dad too shares her worries. He has been more supportive than my mother but at times, he can be a male chauvinistic pig. On so many occassions, he had wondered out loud on why I wasn't born male. He said it as if I wasn't even there.

I am the first person and female member of the family to ever studied for a degree. Yet, that's overshadowed by the fact that I'm single and there are no suitor in plain sight. Perhaps my parents forgot that we're living in the 21st century.

My parents never told us kids how they got together. Whatever it was, they had it easy. My mom gave birth to me when she was 23. I'm 25 now and no marriage in sight in the near future at all! Maybe education does have a direct relationship with matrimony. The more educated you are, the more likely you're going to stay single (by choice or not).

Like it or not, my parents have to learn to accept the fact that I've already condemned myself to the eternal path of singlehood. Goodbye men (and women)! Hope you all find what I've not managed to find all these years.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, August 01, 2005 @ 1:51 pm

Dear Blogger,

I've been receiving disturbing emails from a particular Christian. I can understand that he was trying to help but he has crossed the line in his last email by saying that I've been deceived by Islam. How dare he! It's one thing to try to convert me into Christianity. It's another to insult Islam!

I may not be a fully-practising Muslim but that's my faith. I respect other religions but who is to say who or what is the Truth? Personally, I don't understand the fervour devotion of some Christians who proclaim that Jesus is the Truth and he is the Son of God. I don't understand it therefore, I won't argue about it. In fact, I respect that opinion.

I am still trying to make sense of everything around me. I may dispute the teachings of Islam and other religions but that's what learning is! No man is the Truth. Not even Jesus. There is only one God and he didn't assign some man to be his son. Jesus was a prophet, just like Moses, Abraham and Muhammad whom I believe is the Last Prophet. These are my beliefs. The least anyone could do is to respect that.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 12:45 am

Dear Blogger,

Our youth recruitment drive at Hard Rock Cafe, and perhaps our last event as a Youth Committee, has been cancelled. The Youth Committee has decided to cancel it because of uncertainty issues, namely funding. I didn't want to cancel it but since I was outvoted, what can I do? I may look like a dictator but I truly respect democracy. Although sometimes, democracy may not always be the right way to go.

10,000 ZoCards wasted. I was really proud of it and was really eager to see it displayed at the nearest shopping malls. I was really hoping that the cards would fly off the shelves like hot cakes. That will never happen now. Nobody will see the effort that I've put in. Nobody will know about SPPA and it's Youth Committee. All the posters and letters we were going to send out... wasted.

Where do we go from here? Looks like I'm doing this alone again. Since the beginning, the others never shared my passion and ideals. They are just "volunteers". Nothing more. I can respect that but they don't have to use volunteerism as an excuse not to feel be responsible about it. As much as this is just "volunteer" stuff, I believe in the cause.

I go to the same school as these people do. I have as many personal problems as they do. I have as many other commitments as they do. So for the past 7 months, was I just "volunteering" with SPPA??? I'm really disappointed with these people. They're upset with the management committee but they didn't realise that their mindset is the same as that of the management committee.

Being an idealist, I thought I'd get used to being disappointed with people in general by now. But I haven't gotten used to it. It seems that the more passionate I am of something, the more disappointed I become with the people. What the hell am I doing? What am I fighting for? Who am I making a difference to? For these thankless people??? I must be crazy or plain stupid!

The video project didn't take off because nobody else was interested to participate. Now, the youth recruitment drive is off because somebody in the organisation did a bloody lousy job managing its operations. What is an activist at heart to do? Give up her ideals and be numb to her surroundings? My soul is dying. Good riddance. There is no need for a soul in a society like this.

There have been much spotlight on local bloggers lately. I don't know what the fuss is about but the media has made out blogging to be just a platform for exhibitionists. I hate them. Blogging isn't just about sensational stories. It isn't just about Xiaxue or SPG. Thanks to these people, blogging has lost its innocence. Every Tom, Dick and Harry is blogging because everyone else is doing it. Just like Friendster, it has become a must-have fad. Don't read it if you don't want to.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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