posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Saturday, July 30, 2005 @ 12:16 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm so tired of playing.
Playing with this bow and arrow.
Gonna give my heart away.
Leave it to the other girls to play.
For I've been a temptress too long.

Hmm just give me a reason to love you.
Give me a reason to be.
A woman.
I just wanna be a woman.

- Glory Box, Portishead

Unable so lost.
I can't find my way.
Been searching but I have never seen a turning.
A turning from deceit.

‘Cause the child roses like try to reveal what I could feel.
I can't understand myself anymore.
‘Cause I'm still feeling lonely.
Feeling so unholy.

‘Cause the child roses like try to reveal what I could feel.
And this loneliness.
It just won't leave me alone.
Oh no.

I'm fooling somebody.
A faithless path to roam.
Deceiving to breath this secretly.
A silence.
This silence I can't bear.

A lady of war.
A lady of war.

- Numb, Portishead

Who am I, what and why?
‘Cause all I have left is my memories of yesterday.
Oh these sour times.

‘Cause nobody loves me.
It's true.
Not like you do.

- Sour Times, Portishead

Beth Gibbons crooned soulfully. I'm so tired of playing. This loneliness won't leave me alone. Nobody loves me. Sometimes, a song can explain clearly what my heart cannot. I'm mourning for the loss of hope.


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Friday, July 29, 2005 @ 1:56 am

Dear Blogger,

Do you remember the milk shakes from MacDonald's? I've forgotten how much I've missed it till I saw it on the MacDonald's menu. Not in Singapore but in JB. I ordered a strawberry shake and it only cost about RM$3 (about S$1.50) after god knows what tax. The first sip of the strawberry shake brought back loads of memories of innocent childhood. When did I last taste it in Singapore? Was it 10 years ago? I think it was more than that. I don't understand how something so deliciously good as this could be taken off the menu.

It's Din's birthday today. I wished him a happy birthday via SMS (what else?). He hasn't replied. I don't know if he would either. Even when he's a dickhead, I still remember his birthday. I don't want to think too much of it. I hope he's having an enjoyable birthday.

I'm getting more and more disappointed with the education system here. School doesn't seem so fun now when every other student is killing one another over grades. Schools are a place for learning and learning is about the exchanging of ideas and opinions with every learner. I thought going to university would fill me with that intellectual vibe legendary to Harvard, Cambridge and Oxford. I don't feel it here.

I'm not saying I don't care about grades. I do! But at what expense? I'm here to learn. Grades mean nothing to me if I don't learn anything. And learning isn't just about accepting what every professor tells you. It's also about challenging those ideas presented to you by people who are supposedly more knowledgeable than you. After 25 years of being educated here, I still haven't gotten used to the system. Perhaps I could say that the system isn't ready for a student like me.

SPPA is in a mess and no one wants to clear up this mess! Oh well... what should I expect when the person who's supposed to lead us is a man? Behind every man's success is a woman who always cleans up his shit. Oh so true! I wonder who cleans up a successful woman's mess? Another woman I guess?


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Tuesday, July 26, 2005 @ 11:30 pm

Dear Blogger,

The Youth Committee is in crisis. Not because I stepped down as President but because the funds for our youth reccruitment drive has not come in yet. There has been some internal conflicts in the organisation and if I have a choice, I seriously don't want to know about it nor get involved in it. But since my Youth Committee's event has unwittingly gotten itself into this internal politics, I just cannot stand aside and do nothing about it!

I don't know the full details of what's going on but it smells like a case of mismanagement. What is it with all these organisations? These organisations started out with good intentions. As it grew bigger (but not necessarily richer), politics came into the picture and often times, more energy is spent on these politics than doing what it set out to do in the first place! If they are businesses, then I wouldn't give a damn. They can run themselves to the ground for all I care. But we're talking about NPOs, NGOs and VWOs here!

It's true what they say. Money is the root of all evils. Unfortunately, we can't survive without money. Whoever sang that love is all we need is full of shit. I am sure that all these people who were corrupted by money started out good. We were all idealists at one point in our lives. But what changed? Didn't we all swear once that we would not be corrupted? Who shall we blame now for our ill-doings?

I almost gave up on my ideals because of these politics. But there's still a fiery spirit in me who wants to make a difference. It refuses to give up believing that everything is hopeless. Personally, I feel torn in half. Half of me wants to give up and just focus on the rat race. The other half believes that there is more to life than living the Singapore Dream.

Where are my brothers and sisters? We need to unite! I can't do this alone. Even Superman has Lois Lane to motivate him! I know nothing is impossible. Adidas keeps reminding me that. But I seriously cannot do this alone. I'm not that strong.


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Monday, July 25, 2005 @ 2:38 am

Dear Blogger,

Day in, day out, I pour my heart out writing to you hoping to find a cure for my illness. It has been more than 3 years. I still haven't gotten out of this deep, black hole. Why is it so difficult for me to move on? Why do I always have to fall deeper into depression? I've tried everything I could possibly do. Therapy, medication, loads and loads of social activity. Just what is wrong with me?!

I have so much potential. Yet I just couldn't do it. This depression is like a plague which tries to eat me up whole. Eventually it will. I haven't fully lost my senses yet but it's only a matter of time. Counsellors, therapists and psychiatrists all say the same thing. It feels like I'm playing the same track over and over again everytime I attend a session.


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Saturday, July 23, 2005 @ 2:47 am

Dear Blogger,

Life for the past 2 days has been so boring that I've almost gone braindead. It's not so much that I've nothing to do but it's the fact that I'm helpless to do anything about it! Nobody believes in making a difference anymore. It doesn't matter what causes you believe in but for every one cause you believe in, there are hundred others who think that you're wasting your time or worse, try to shut you down.

Some famous person said that he believes in mankind. He just doesn't like people. I feel him. I think most people, Singaporeans especially believe that ignorance is bliss. By not talking about it, the problem is considered non-existent. That's such a big lie! What are we??? Robots?! Kind of reminds me of the fake hometown in the Truman Show.

I believe in good, old-fashion and safe, protected sex. I believe in treating women and men respectfully. I believe in the basic, universal human rights. I believe that children have rights too. I believe in equal opportunities for both men and women. I believe in global fair trade. I believe in corporate governance. I believe in a fair amount of freedom of thought and speech. There are many things which I believe in. So why am I not allowed to advocate for what I believe in?

Just because I talk and write about sex often, it doesn't mean that I'm a nymphomaniac. I accept the fact that sexual pleasure is a basic human right. Of course, it has to be in the context of moral and legal acceptance. Except for oral sex. Can't understand why it's still illegal here when even medical professionals agree that oral sex is part of foreplay.

The sooner general public is comfortable discussing taboo topics, the sooner these problems will be eradicated. You don't see Amsterdam having such a big problem with sex and marijuana do you? I guess an ideal like this won't happen anytime soon as long as the people here live in a shallow mindset. Ironic how our infrastructure and work practices are so highly rated by the global community and yet the people here still live and breathe with a caveman's mindset.

Was I born in the wrong time? Wrong side of the globe perhaps? Only God knows.


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Thursday, July 21, 2005 @ 10:33 pm

Dear Blogger,

What would you tell your partner if he asked you how many times you came during sex? Would you be honest or lie? I know that honesty is not necessarily the best policy when it comes to sex. I don't like to lie but I didn't want to hurt the guy's ego either. So I usually give a vague answer like "I didn't count" or "I'm not sure" or I'd just shrug and smile.

How'd you tell a guy he has a dick the size of a green bean? How'd you tell him not to flatter himself to be the greatest lover on this planet? Often times, when a guy flatter something about me, usually over some parts of my anatomy, I'd be suspicious.

Guys love to use comparative verbs but what that subject in question is being compared to is usually a mystery. Even in sex, I'm anal about the proper use of English. The government should pay me to be the face of its "Speak Good English" campaign.

I'm beginning to think that sex toys make better lovers than men. Make that most Asian men. D holds the record for successfully making me reach orgasm almost everytime we made out and that was almost every week. Din comes (no pun intended) at a distant second.

Oh how I long for mind-blowing, multiple orgasmic sex. I keep recommending my male friends to start reading those monthly women magazines whenever they ask me heaven and earth questions like how to sexually please their girlfriends. The rest of the world thinks Singapore is such a prude country but just step into any newsstand and you'll find sex bibles galore.

I guess I should not complain. After 2 months of a sex draught, last night's episode was a welcome release. I really should not expect much from Singaporean men. It's really not in them to please their women first for a change.

By the way, London is on high alert again. So does Singapore. The MIBs are uncontactable again. Sigh... Why do I have to be such a sucker for men in uniforms?


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Tuesday, July 19, 2005 @ 9:40 am

Dear Blogger,

Every waking morning, I hope to meet my Prince. Every night, I'm left with disappointment.Whenever I try to make a difference, I'm just getting my heart broken even more and my soul battred into smaller pieces.

Most tell me that's life and I should deal with it. What shall I do? Go out and meet more people? Make myself busy with activities? Are you kidding me???

I guess I've done enough to heal myself. When everyone and every thing around me are like shit, what more can I do? Every waking hour, I can feel my heart weakening. It'll be only a matter of time that it'll stop beating altogether.


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Monday, July 18, 2005 @ 11:33 pm

Dear Blogger,

I'm so filled with angst right now. I can't even describe to you how angry and upset I am. The breathing techniques aren't working to calm me down. I even tried to scream and hit something. That didn't help either. Guess what? I'm all out of tears even!

I'm stepping down as president of the Youth Committee. I shouldn't even be in this Youth Committee. I'm too old to be a youth member but I'm too young to be in any other committee in the organisation. Let the others get sent to regional workshops and forums and conferences and what-nots because they can last a few more years as a youth member.

Besides, I'm a demanding leader. In other words, I'm a bitch. This upcoming event at Hard Rock Cafe will be a flop and it's my fault because I couldn't hold everyone of my team members together. I couldn't even get everyone of them to attend a meeting!

Am I high-strung? Yes I am. Am I unnecessarily stressed out? Yes I am. So where's my release??? No family, no friends, no future. What the hell am I living for?! Me and my ideals. FUCK IT ALL!!!


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Saturday, July 16, 2005 @ 12:49 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm quite sad because there was no reply to my appeal for volunteers for my video project. I've sent out emails and posted in bulletin boards but I guess young people here are either too shy or don't care at all. Sexual and reproductive health and rights isn't just about sex! I'm not asking for sexual experiences. I'm asking for your perspectives on the very issues that we young people are facing today!

For a young woman like me, it's the right to...

  1. enjoy safe, protected sex
  2. have access to affordable and quality reproductive healthcare
  3. choose my partner
  4. decide when to get married and reproduce
  5. participate in decision-making processes which impacts me and my way of life
I'll develop more rights as I grow older but these are my rights as a young human being. Whether or not these rights are recognised in the local constitution, it's up to me and like-minded young people to ensure these rights are included in the local constitution.

I wish more people would act more instead of just talk. It is so easy to critisise a situation but what is being done to improve it? Very little it seems. People here are content to gripe in the taxis, chatrooms and coffee shops. That's my fellow countrymen for you.

This afternoon, while napping, I had a horrible nightmare which involved my brother. In this nightmare, I came home from school to my brother's engagement party. I was shocked because not only was I not aware of it, my parents had foot the bill entirely! I left home running away in tears.

Did that mean anything? I've always believed that we dream for a reason. Either our subconscious is trying to tell us something or it's a message from the Divine above. I've no doubt though that I won't be the first child in the family to tie the knot. It just doesn't seem to be written in the stars for me.

Maybe I'm just too caught up with the ideal. I am going to be 26 years old. Girls half my age are already having their first-born child. I don't even have a visible and stable boyfriend! What am I doing? I'm a full-time student in a local university who isn't sure now what the hell I'm doing there. I'm working in a shitty job whose potential is clearly and constantly being overlooked for underaged dropouts who kiss our superiors arses as soon as they step into the office.

As Adam Levine croons "I'm lifting you up/I'm letting you down/I'm dancing till dawn/I'm fooling around/I'm not giving up/I'm making your love/This city's making us crazy/I must get out", I realise I too must get out. Not just physically out of here, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually out of here too. No point being halfway across the globe when my heart and mind is still with Din or some other bastard.

Dear God, please give me strength... and a peace of mind.


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Thursday, July 14, 2005 @ 9:28 pm

Dear Blogger,

My brother is a real shit! He's not just mommy's boy, he got my mom against me! My mom thinks he's the only one who goes to school and needs money. Why didn't she just tell him to sell off his bike since he only drives my car these days anyway???

She cleans his room, folds his clothes and even gives him pocket money albeit secretly. He's 24 years old for God's sake! Doesn't he have any shame? I was already embarrassed to ask my parents by the time I reached 21.

I was Daddy's girl when I was much, much younger but all I had asked was a good education and a chance to further my studies in England. He couldn't fulfill the last request for me but I got over it after a few years. I'm in SMU now aren't I? At my own expense nevertheless! I had to beg on Mendaki's door to request for full subsidy!

My brother has it easy all his life. Model-looking girlfriends, cool jobs, ridiculous affection from family members. If this is all it takes for my own family members to respect me, I might as well quit school now! Money is everything isn't it?

For awhile now, I've been wanting to leave. Move somewhere. Travel to places which I've never been to. I don't care how I move. By bus, train or car. I just want to move. My horoscope said I should do just that today but too bad I'm flat broke. I'm awfully broke.

The Youth Coalition is looking for a researcher to document its history. The successful applicant has to work in Toronto from August to January next year. All travelling, accomodation and meal expenses will be paid for. She will even get a chance to travel to India next year for its international conference.

It's like God-sent isn't it? But I'm not a researcher. I don't have the necessary formal qualifications even though I fit the bill. Did I mention that the successful applicant get paid US$10,000 for the project? Tempting isn't it?


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Wednesday, July 13, 2005 @ 12:51 am

Dear Blogger,

Sometimes when you are deprived of certain things, your mind starts wandering into places which you shouldn't go. That was what happened to me at the bus stop. There were no buses in sight and CSI was about to start in 10 minutes. I don't know what triggered it but my mind suddenly thought of D and we were making out. It was like one of those visions you have which you know for sure did not happen for real.

I was having visual orgasms at the bus stop! I guess that was how deprived I was of sex. I could have ended this nonsense though. An acquaintance of mine had wanted to meet up but it felt wrong. I could have just gone and ignore my emotions but I know I'll just feel shitty for days after. Besides, I don't really like the guy. He's a typical Asian man who thinks of satisfying himself only and doesn't give a damn about the woman.

I just watched Madonna's "Truth or Dare" documentary on Star Movies. This is one of the few women whom I admire greatly. Not just for her music, but more so for her confidence and determination. There's no doubt that she's a bitch but she's a bitch because she's going against obstacles to get what she wants. And she sure has gone a long way.

If you look at her, she's not really cover girl beautiful. Her body's too athletic for my liking and she doesn't really have a great voice. We all know that she can't act either. The torture of watching "Swept Away" still brings shivers down my spine. Yet, she knows her strengths and uses them to her advantages. I don't think Britney Spears could pull off a Blond Ambition Tour with much spunk.

But if you look closely, you could see the insecurities in her. I guess all she wanted was to be adored. The world did adore her and still does but the adoration she was seeking was of a different kind. In one of the scenes, she and her dancers and back-up singers were playing Truth or Dare. She was asked whom did she love the most. After some hesitation, she answered "Sean". Not once, but twice as if to reaffirm herself. Then, I saw the sadness in her eyes.

For those who had lived in Mars, she was referring to ex-hubby Sean Penn. They were married for a year but Sean called it quits because he couldn't handle Maddie's glamourous lifestyle. Sean married Robin Wright and now Maddie has Guy Ritchie. A happy ending for all!

modgurl (whom right now, feels Like a Virgin).

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Tuesday, July 12, 2005 @ 3:18 am

Dear Blogger,

I still have not had sex. That's quite a record isn't it? I sorely wanted to but I don't want to do it with just anyone. For me, it's all about chemistry. Even if it's just a fling or a one night stand, it's still about chemistry. It's also strange that when I'm in the mood for sex, no one shows up. Isn't that Murphy's Law or something?

I had a horrible morning so I decided to play hookie. Skiving from work hasn't been this much fun. Of course being the Singaporean that I am, I had to get an MC to cover myself. So off I went to my doctor and told him that I had trouble breathing, which was true. When I'm upset, I have trouble breathing. The breathing problem could also be due to the amount of smoking I've done lately.

I gave him a sob story of how I started crying for no reason these days (which was true too) and that I thought that my depression episode was back again (this could be true too). It helped that I had a medical history of depression. He prescribed more Xanax for me and pills for me sensitive nose. I do have a sensitive nose which causes my body to weaken a little when exposed to air pollutants like cigarette smoke.

Unlike most people, I don't have to come up with fake diarrhoea excuses to get a sick leave. I can just tell my doctor that I'm depressed or stressed. I love my doctor for that. He gave me two days sick leave after I cheekily requested for a year off. He usually gives me a day off only. I haven't taken any of the pills though but they'll come in handy later.

So what did I do with this free time? I spent half the day on my own, chilling at the prata restaurant near my place. Cheese and mushroom prata with teh tarik. Heaven! That was my brunch. After lunch, I grabbed my notebook from home and headed off to Holland Village where SPPA was.

I thought if I had stayed at home, I'd be in bed all day. I might as well be out and do something useful like finishing up a long-overdue report. I spent all afternoon at SPPA which was quite peaceful. Good for a depressive chick like me.

I drove back home to freshen up and had some dinner. I went for tuition in the evening and all the time I was there, my mind was working hard thinking on what to do after that. My friends were busy as usual. I just think that they didn't want to be anywhere near a depressive person.

I had several options though. I could drive to JB. My passport was in my car anyway. I could book a room and do stuff in there. Or I could call up some people whom I generally don't hang with. All the options seem great. In the end, I settled for the third option. That was a good choice though.

I met up with a fellow volunteer from SPPA at Wala Wala (Holland V again) and boy was the conversation interesting. I didn't talk much though. I was content to just listen to his interesting anecdotes. The conversation, as usual with me, centred around sex. Nothing horny. It was more like information sharing. Afterall, both us are volunteers for SPPA, which deals with sexual and reproductive health and rights.

I drowned two bottles of Carona. My first drink in two weeks. I purposely ordered Carona because it's so light, it tasted like water. If I had ordered my usual bourbon coke, I don't think I'll be legally allowed to drive back home. Before I knew it, it had already past 1am.

The last few minutes of our conversation dealt with my relationship with Din and my blogs. Apparently he had come across my blogs while searching for something. He was probably searching for local girls who had an abortion. He had invited me once to a media event to answer questionnaires on abortion. I couldn't attend because I had to work.

While driving back, I took the usual route to the PIE via Adam Road and Stevens Road. While driving towards Adam Road, I had this sudden urge to consume the sup lidah (tongue soup) at Adam Road. I didn't think about it anymore so I parked myself at Adam Road to have my tongue soup.

It was probably fate because I came across a fellow musician who once played at the Riverside. He was with his friends and he had invited me over to their table. It's amazing what a bottle of beer can do to me because for once in a quite awhile, I wasn't uncomfortable being in the presence of men at all!

Another round of chit-chatting over bowls of sup lidah, plates of mee goreng and a huge bowl of sup tulang. One of the guys was on a holiday here from Sweden. He's a local Indian chap who had migrated to Sweden. We were chit-chatting about the best places to have certain local dishes and which places to bring his family to.

I suggested the Science Centre because his young kids would enjoy it there and it's much more affordable than going to Sentosa. I did enjoy the Science Centre ya! It's educational, informative, interactive and fun!

I sent my newfound friends home because their homes were along the way. At two in the morning, driving along the expressway with barely any cars and smoking, is simply pure bliss. I'm ashamed to say that I was hoping that this Swede guy would make a pass on me in my car!

I guess that was because he was as tall as D and has the same shaven bald plate. I remembered him saying that he was from the navy. What can I say? Tall, bald and formerly in uniform. I'm just a sucker for these kind of men.

He didn't do anything besides giving great worldly advice and shaking my hand. I respected him for that. A bit disappointed but thankful that nothing happened which would make me regret later. I can't get myself involved with another married man!

So here I am at four in the morning. Just got home and showered and I'm still wide awake. I'm feeling so alive! Sometimes, you just have to fuck off the normal routine and just go with the flow.


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Monday, July 11, 2005 @ 1:01 am

Dear Blogger,

What would you do if you were unjustifiably yelled at by your manager at work? Would you submit your resignation with immediate notice? Would you confront the manager professionally by reporting it to his/her superior? Or would you meditate and take it as if it's part and parcel of life?

I wanted to do all three in fact. If I was much younger, I would forget about option two and three. I can't seem to do that now. Perhaps it's a sign of maturity. Or is it the don't-bother attitude? I am very sure I'm less temperamental now but I still have a limit to my patience.

I don't think any employee should subject himself/herself to such unfair treatment. As a superior, no matter how human that person is, he/she should still behave professionally. I may not be an indispensable employee but I am still part of a team which builds an organisation.

Oh darn! Why can't I just pack up and leave? There are other jobs. I can even take on more tuition assignments. Afterall, tuition does pay more than this customer service job. I guess I didn't want to see myself as a quitter. I know that sometimes calling it quits can be for the better but... I'm not a quitter!

After a puff and a prayer, I guess I'm calmer now. My blood was really boiling earlier today but the thing about me is that I will try my darnest not to explode with rage. You'll know I'm trying to control myself when you don't hear anything from me and my breathing becomes heavier and slower. Soon after, my face will turn crimson red and I'll look at people with piercing intensity.

I don't like to get into this state because I will take quite some time to get over it. I'm like this ticking time bomb which can explode anytime! It's self-destructive! I would love to be a happy-go-lucky person but unfortunately, I'm not like that! I am always wanting to change the world. I am always wanting to improve. I wish I didn't have to care so much.


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Saturday, July 09, 2005 @ 1:41 pm

Dear Blogger,

Just as I had expected, our local police force won't be resting anytime soon. After the IOC Session, the men in blue were out in full force again after the bomb blasts in London. Wong Kan Seng sure is not taking any chances. Strangely enough, I didn't feel their presence. If they are out there, they are doing it discreetly.

I was at the Causeway last night but the strict security which I had expected didn't suffice. The good news is that the awful dinner traffic jam which I had expected was nowhere to be seen either. I did notice more policemen on patrol though. Gosh they looked good in their uniform.

I just have to tell you what happened at the Causeway on the way back. After getting the passports checked, I was forced into the red zone because the queue into the green zone prevented me from joining them! So I've no choice but to declare my goods, which I've nothing to declare in the first place.

As I wound down my window, I put on my best innocent smile to speak to the police officer. He's a young chap. Too young for me. But cute! I told him that I went into the wrong lane. He politely said that I have to reverse and cut into the queue.

As I was reversing slowly, he stopped me and said, "You are in luck ma'am. There's a slot for you to join the queue at the other side." And he flashed a very adorable smile. He's collegues too were equally friendly. I guess I'm just a magnet for those MIBs (Men In Blues).

I don't know why that's such a big deal to me. Maybe this celibate life I'm trying to live is finally getting to me. Lately, I am so tempted to just throw in the towel and hit the sack. But that wouldn't be right, would it? I doubt the vibrator which I had intended to buy will do me much good. Nothing can beat the feeling of physical human contact.

For the last few days, my horoscope has been mentioning romance but nothing remotely romantic has happened to me. I don't even feel lovey-dovey! I hate to say this, but where is the bloody love???


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Friday, July 08, 2005 @ 12:51 am

Dear Blogger,

As soon as London won the bid to host the 2012 Olympics, bombs blasted at King's Cross. The last I heard, about 30 people were injured and there were several reported deaths. The media and George Bush were quick to identify the bomb blasts as terrorist attacks. Looks like every bomb that goes off these days are the works of terrorists. In George's small-viewed mind, terrorism means Islamic fundamentalists.

I'm surprised no one had related the attacks to the G8 summit. There were talks of course but based on the cue from George, it was assumed that this was a mini 9/11. What about the IRA? Britain and Northen Ireland are still at loggerheads you know. What about crazy anti-globalisation activists? Some activists are known to go to extremes to make their voices heard.

Whatever the message the attackers had intended to send to whoever, I hope it will be drowned in a sea of public condemnation. However good the intention is, killing innocent lives isn't justified. I condemn these acts of violence! My condolences to those who had lost their lives in these senseless acts of violence.

Almost everyone I think blames the terrorists whenever something like this happens. Don't you think that we should all step back a little and look at ourselves? I think every one of us has one way or another contributed to these attacks. The politicians have all along been the puppet-masters in these dramas. Free the Iraqi people indeed. Yeah right!

The media's coverage of these attacks are more exciting than the summer Hollywood blockbusters. The first Iraq war was the first "live" action movie broadcasted to our telly. It was followed by the Bosnian war and the sensational 9/11. I will never forget watching the second plane crashing into the World Trade Centre while the CNN reporter was reporting the event "live". It almost felt unreal!

Who fueled these coverage? People like us of course. We sit glued in front of the telly watching the real action. Often times, the gravity of the matter doesn't sink in until much, much later. The first instance we watch it was out of curiousity. Like I said, real "live" drama and action are so much better than the Hollywood movies.

These attackers know it very well. What better way to capture the world's attention than through action and drama? Nobody would blow up a busy train station just for the fun of it. They're seeking attention! Perhaps the only way to silence these people is to massively render them invisible. If nobody cared about them, then they would not receive the attention they were sorely seeking.

I remembered watching a telemovie on Hallmark. It was "Merlin". In the final scene, to defeat the evil sorceress, Merlin turned his back on her. Soon, everyone turned their backs on her. The evil sorceress lost her power because no one believed in her anymore. No one believed in her magic.

Perhaps if we stop feeding these attackers with our attention, then less innocent lives will be sacrificed. That's not to say that we should not care at all. We should still care about issues which are dear to us like poverty in developing countries, proper holistic education, sexual and reproductive health and rights, etc. We just don't have to blow people up that's all!


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Thursday, July 07, 2005 @ 12:39 am

Dear Blogger,

After foolishly persevering in this low-paying job for 9 months, it has really gotten into the thick walls of my nerves. The management is getting more ridiculous by the day so much so that it has become a joke. I thought waitressing was bad but this call centre is worse!

There's no meal breaks. Can't eat at my desk even! I've to come 15 minutes early. Can't do anything else even when there are no calls. And let's not mention the calls I get. Then again, bad customers are part and parcel of customer service.

The only reason why I've stayed on this long (most of my peers leave after 3 months) is because this is one of the rare jobs here which has flexible hours. Besides tuition, this job seems like heaven-sent for a student like me.

Even though the work conditions are shitty, I kept reminding myself to think of the big picture. I only have 3 more years to my degree so I have to bite my tongue and hold my pride for a few more years. After that, I can breathe easier knowing that I'll have more job opportunities.

But what if things don't turn out as expected? What if I'll still get a job which is as shitty as this? Afterall, at 28 years old, I will no longer be considered an asset. Employers prefer to hire a younger, brighter person than an almost 30 years old, jaded me.

The future is scary isn't it? I thought if I plan it right in the present, I'd do OK in the future. I think parents and educators should stop lying to us while we were growing up. They shouldn't tell us that the future will be rosy if we study hard and work hard.

I studied hard and worked hard but I've yet to feel the rosiness of the present. My relationship with Din has gone bust again. I don't have any spending power. My depression comes and goes more freguently now. I'm the same loser freak as I was a decade ago.

Why do I keep bringing myself down like that? Because it is very exhausting to keep picking myself up after a disappointment. And to stay mentally up is even more exhausting. No wonder I feel so old so quickly.


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Wednesday, July 06, 2005 @ 12:23 am

Dear Blogger,

Singapore is going ga-ga at the influx of sporting and political superstars on her shores for the IOC 117th Session. There were David and Victoria Beckham and Tony and Cherie Blair for London, Raul Gonzales for Madrid and Muhammad Ali and Hillary Clinton for New York. Of course, there were other big names who came to town. I just can't remember who or don't know how to spell their names.

Despite having all these luminaries in town, I'm not all too keen on this Olympic thing, billed as one of the biggest event to ever happen in Singapore. Understandably the Singapore big wigs pulled out all the stops for these people, for economic reasons of course.

There are basically 2 reasons why I'm not particularly interested. Firstly, what does Singapore have to show to the world about its sporting achievements? When I was in my teenies, I was always in awe at the number of gold medals our athletes managed to coup at the Games. I was of course referring to the SEA games.

Then, as I grew older, I wandered why no local athletes of recent history had won any medals in the bigger games like the Asian, Commonwealth or the Olympics! At least the local Olympic committee didn't make a ridiculous goal like its football counterpart. Goal 2010 indeed! 2005 is halfway gone and out footballers have yet to make their mark in the asian circuit.

Singapore is well-known for its beaurocratic government, ridiculous laws, clean and green environment, fast-paced working systems and myopic citizens. She is definitely not known for sports or arts or risk-taking culture. I wondered what the IOC was thinking when it chose Singapore to host this Session. Economic and political stability perhaps?

I'm even more curious to know what the Beckhams will be spending their money on here since Orchard Road isn't exactly Rodeo Drive. Would Victoria risk her manicured fake nails on Chinatown, Little India or Arab Street goodies? I think not. I think David wouldn't mind though. We all know how much he loves sarongs. I wonder if that includes Sarong Party Girls as well... hmmm....

The second reason why I'm not so keen on this mega event is that Din will be on duty for the whole event. He's heading one of the security in one of the zones in town. It's Nicoll Highway all over again! It's been a week and already I've not heard, seen or even read anything from him.

I simply don't get it! It's not as if he's the only one involved in this. Yet other people make time to make contact with their love ones. Even the AV guys who didn't have time to shower! I can understand not being able to meet but he can't even make a 5 minute call to me? This guy is too much!

I told him I'm breaking up with him via SMS. A day later, all he could reply was "Hmm". I guess David Beckham's hair is more worth saving than our relationship. I deleted all his numbers and messages. I don't have any of his pictures anymore so that saves me the trouble of tearing pieces of expensive photo paper to pieces.

I really don't know where I stand in his life. I'm definitely not up there with his work and family. I know I deserve better than this but how do I keep myself away from him? He's a bad, bad drug. Life is too short moddie to waste it on one man. But how many men or toads must I kiss to finally find my prince? Is he even looking for me???

After the IOC Session, he has to work on the NDP. So this break up won't make any difference to him. He'll just keep on working until one day he realised that hey, he's not heard from me for quite some time. When he does try to call me, all he'll ever hear is the ringing tone and the automated voice mail right after.


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Tuesday, July 05, 2005 @ 12:01 am

Dear Blogger,

After some serious soul searching and wandering through some inspirational source materials like the Live 8 concert, Chris Martin advocating fair trade in Africa, Tom Cruise' the Last Samurai and the Oxford's World Classics of The Koran, I realised that everything else doesn't matter but me.

I may be a favourite punching bag of everything that's not "morally" right but after three years of blogging, this is not the way I want to conclude my living book. I admit that I had considered to stop blogging and live my life in the shadows. Perhaps I'd be happier! You know what? I'm not doing any better.

I felt even more lost. I didn't know who I was and who I wanted to be. The world seemed greyer than it ever was. I lived my life looking even deeper to what I thought I knew what I was looking for.

I couldn't see the beauty in God's creations. I became nervous in the company of people, especially men, even though some of them are my friends. I couldn't even stand close to Din without feeling claustrophobic. I didn't see much of him and I still don't. At those times we did, I just wanted to stand ten steps away from him.

People may hate me. People may chastise me. I've done many well-documented things that sometimes, I'm not proud of. Close friends of mine often ask me why do I write these things when I know that all I will get are criticisms. I like to believe that I've at least provided a voice of all things taboo and with this voice, it may inspire some people to perhaps, live.

I may not hear much from these people, but I know they're there. If my notoriety can make a difference to some of these people's lives, then I know I've done something good. So, ladies and gentlemen, modgurl has not left the building yet. She's back with an even bigger smile.

Welcome back moddie!


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