posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i
Wednesday, June 22, 2005 @ 1:12 am
Everywhere I turn, someone's having a wedding. If he/she's not IN the wedding, he/she's TALKING about a wedding. There's nowhere for me to hide! Even Din's talking about it and it's really freaking me out!
I know I've thought a lot about settling down lately but I still don't understand the fuss about weddings. Aren't weddings supposed to be personal? I can understand the excitement and stress about being the most beautiful thing your soon-to-be husband will see on that special day but seriously, I can't understand the fuss.
Where's the sense in feeding people you don't know and people who can barely remember you full name (even though they're first cousins or first aunts or first uncles or even grandparents!) to a meal which will set you back thousands of dollars?
Where's the sense in buying gifts or even a bedroom set just so that your mom can show them off to her relatives about how capable her son-in-law is? I've consulted many married couples and the more I hear what they have to say, the more determined I am not to get myself involved in such unpractical spending of money.
I don't mind getting dressed up for the day. I mean, we're talking about one of a female homosapien's biggest day of her life. I don't mind all that photo-taking either. By the way, I prefer outdoor shots than the studio ones. I also prefer natural poses than those faked posed ones that make some couples look very strained.
But I do mind spending tens of thousands of dollars on something which is spent on pleasing others instead of me and my husband. My aunts and other female relatives have long given up asking me about my nuptial plans. I've confirmed my anti-wedding stance when I replied one of them with my ever-so-diplomatic answer of, "Insya-allah, if any one of you would like to sponsor my wedding, I'll gladly hold a wedding soon."
I've told Din so many times that I'd rather spend all that money on developing our family palace than on a day of pretentious happiness. He agrees of course but that's because he's a man. All he needs to worry about is the dowry, which, in my PERSONAL opinion is very insulting to me.
Dowries are a product of hindu influences and by putting a price on a girl's hand for marriage, it's implying that the girl has a value. I think a woman should not be materialistically valued. I think a woman is priceless. All the work a woman and a wife does in a marriage is worth far beyond the pittance of a dowry.
Some women will say this is just air talk because I've not experienced it. Oh well... some women grew up playing dolls in wedding dresses, while some grew up playing with hand-me-down dolls with broken limbs.
Yes I do want to be married but the lavishness of a wedding doesn't reflect the marriage a couple will have. In the meantime, let my only weakness in this whole nuptials fiasco be the Tiffany diamond platinum engagement ring I saw displayed at its boutique in Ngee Ann City.
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Tuesday, June 21, 2005 @ 10:12 am
My mobile phone has finally left me and I'm feeling depressed. It was working fine then suddenly it just went off! I think the board's short-circuited (is there even such a word?) or something. What's worse about not having a mobile phone is when you've stored all your contacts in the mobile phone.
Where can I get a cheap, up-to-date mobile without having to sign any 2-year contract? I've been browsing the papers and the chance is slimmer than slim. Most require a contract or a trade-in. If these company accept a non-functioning mobile, then it won't be a problem.
I've been moping around the house mourning for the death of my mobile. My sister called me a spoilt brat. Yeah. I am a brat but I'm not spoiled. I don't even get allowances anymore! She's the spoilt brat. My mom pays her mobile bills even.
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Sunday, June 19, 2005 @ 12:24 pm
Din and I were talking last night about our future. He was in his "man in his cave" mood and I'm not good with that kind of mood. I don't know how to react! I can't be too funny lest he thinks I'm being insensitive. I can't be too serious lest he thinks I'm too high-strung. So, I do what I always do. I just kept quiet and let him talk.
I don't claim to be a mind-reader but he's clueless as to how to go about with this divorce. He hasn't even developed a strategy and the worse thing is that, he doesn't want to talk about it to any of his family members, whom by the way, set this up for him in the first place. They should have minded their own damn business instead of getting in the lives of two star-crossed lovers.
If it was me, I'd have gone straight to a legal counsel for advise. No harm in doing homework first. The battle is already lost if you're not equipped with the basic information. Heck! I'd read up on the syariah law if I have to! But he's not me. Whereas I'm the ever-prepared, future-thinking person, he is the now and react now person.
But I have to admit. We complement each other. He's the gravity which won't allow me to fly too high up to the moon. And strangely enough, he's the only non-family related male whom I obey to. Of course I do sneak out to the clubs late at night even when he told me not to, but I do always apologise after that.
He's troubled and I have to be there for him. He may be in law-enforcement but he sure doesn't know how manipulative a woman can be. If I know that woman, she won't let this be an easy one. I'm not that uncivilised to pull her hairs out but if she dares to even step on my toes, I'll do everything in my power to make her life a living hell.
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Saturday, June 18, 2005 @ 1:13 am
I missed 4 days of my period. I've had erratic mood swings in the last few days. I haven't had sex in over a week. I refused to have sex since one and a half weeks ago! I haven't gone out late at night. I've only been to work, tuition and home. I haven't even had any drop of alcohol! What's happening here? Could I? Am I?
It doesn't seem possible at all considering that I'm so paranoid about safe, protected sex. It doesn't matter if he is endowed the size of a horse, but if he doesn't have condoms with him, he is not getting any at all.
Din has had first-hand experience with my paranoia. I actually threw a crying fit in the middle of the night because he was too lazy to go down to 7-11, which was right downstairs, to get some condoms. These days, he carries an emergency pack with him all the time.
I'm so tempted to get one of those kits but I'm not too sure if I'm ready to accept the result. I think I'd be even more disappointed if the test turns out negative! If it's positive, then what? Thank God that I've been blessed with this gift of life?
I like being at home now. I enjoy doing domestic activities like washing the dishes and sweeping the floor. Who the hell am I? What have I been become? Just this morning, I thought of cooking for Din when he came over! I even wanted to bake a cake!
Din said that I was just stressed. If I was stressed about anything, it would have been his confrontation with his wife on the divorce. I don't think he'll get what he want. He just isn't smart enough to go against a woman.
Durex is conducting a global sex survey for this year. I find it my patriotic duty to boost Singapore's ranking from the second bottom to at least a mid ranking. Singaporeans may not be an amorous lot but there are plenty of horny willies out there.
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Thursday, June 16, 2005 @ 12:10 am
As I was watching "Raising Helen" earlier, I realised how much I really wanted to have kids of my own. I mean I knew how much I wanted to have kids, but I never realised how badly I really wanted them.
It wasn't just about having kids. It was about raising a family. I wanted to raise a family of my own. I wanted a husband and a father, some children, a big homely family unit in the heartlands and a big family SUV.
Granted that I don't cook at all, I think deep inside, I'm a mother and a wife in the making. I'm still hungry for commercial success but in the long-term, I think I'd be happier being a homemaker.
Din has been talking about family plans. Not directly, but he has dropped hints. As much as I wanted to believe him, I just couldn't take him seriously after what he has done. Afterall, is he the best candidate that I've got?
I have been cold towards him lately because of these urges. I wanted to move on to the next level. I'm so sick of lingering on this plain of nowhere. I made it very clear to him but he doesn't seem to take me seriously.
Last night, he accused me of not supporting him or motivating. He accused me of criticising him of everything from his moves, to his decisions, to his way thinking. Yes, I could be very demanding at times but when time will not wait for you, I have to be a bitch about it.
Now I feel wretched for being such a bitch. He needed me last night but emotionally, I wasn't there for him. After thinking back of the events of last night, I realised how selfish I was with the "I... I... I...". I should have been there for him. That's what unconditional love is!
What about his estranged wife? Things do not seem to be working out as well as he had expected. He can be so naive at times. What did he expect from a woman whom had just be told that she will be a divorcee? Red carpet treatment?
Sometimes in my prayers, I asked the Almighty, if Din and I were meant to be together, why is the path to love and happiness littered with sharp rocks and debris? Am I the problem?
It is said that it's every girl's dream to be a princess for a day. As much as I wanted to be a princess for a day, that image is slowly fading beyond my reach. I despise weddings because they always make me depress. They're depressing because no man will be bold enough to go down on his knee and ask me those magic words: "Will you marry me?". I'm just too scary to be with.
I've been fooling myself for a long time by believing that I could be a single mother without any man in my life. I was lying to myself when I said that I didn't want to get married. I've been building these walls of lies so that I will never again experience the pain of disappointment. But at what expense?
My baby would have been 5 months old by now. He would have been clothed in those adorable tiny tees and shorts. He would be wearing cutesy socks and shoes. I would have taught him how to say mommy and he'd give that big, wide toothless smile instead.
Oh God. I'm breaking down again... I'm so sorry mommy didn't give you a chance to live.
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Tuesday, June 14, 2005 @ 2:55 am
I've been reading a book about Islam (yes... Hard to believe isn't it?) titled "Desperately Seeking Paradise", which I bought in Paris. It was actually the subtitle that caught my eye: "Journeys of a Skeptical Muslim." This book was written by a Pakistani-born, British-bred, information scientist-journalist-political commentator named Ziauddin Sardar. He's supposed to be some well-known figure in the Muslim scholar world.
Anyway, this book was quite an opener for me because for the first time since I could really think deeply, I've met someone who thinks the way I do! By the way, the book is not fiction. This guy is far more religious than I am but the things he wrote in this book is nothing strange to what I've been trying to argue for.
He wasn't really making a mockery of Islam and the Muslims understanding of Islam but his observation and commentaries really are something to think about. Also, he writes in a manner that's light-hearted, thus, making it all the more attractive to read than most books on Islam.
I laughed out loud reading about his escapades in so-called Islamic states like Saudi Arabia, Pakistan and Iran. One of my favourites was when he visited a madrasah in Afghanistan right after the mujaheedins defeated the Soviets (with American help of course. How ironic!)
This madrasah claimed to teach its young students the purest of Islam. If he, a scholar with so many doctorates couldn't grasp the concept of pure Islam, neither could I. At the madrasah, a bearded young student struck up a conversation with Sardar, the author. Here's an excerp.
"Are you a good Muslim?" he asked.
"I am a Muslim," I replied, "I am not sure about the good bit."
"If you are a Muslim why don't you have a beard?"
"Because it is not necessary to have a beard as a Muslim."
"It is the Sunnah (the tradition derived from the customary practice) of the Prophet. A man who does not follow the Sunnah of the Prophet is not a Muslim."
"So why aren't you riding a camel?"
He was startled at my reply. "What do you mean?"
"It's Sunnah to ride a camel. The Prophet spent a great deal of his life on the back of a camel."
"But today we have cars and buses."
"Well," I answered, "if blades had been available in his time, I am sure the Prophet would have used them."
I've often avoided talking, discussing and even writing about religion because as the above excerp has shown, there are many followers out there, not just Muslims, who believe in their faith blindly. I will forever be a non-Muslim in their eyes.
It's true that I've not been faithfully practising the religion which I was born into, but who is to judge me for who I am and going to be? For example, I always find it amusing to how many Muslims here fuss about consuming pork when they didn't even bat an eyelid about consuming alcohol. I'm not saying that it's OK to consume pork. I must make myself clear on that. Some people can be so literal.
That example is just one of many examples of the hypocrisy that we are surrounded with. Just yesterday, a colleague of mine was shocked to see this book which has a picture of a man praying on the cover, lying on my desk. She thought that such books should be treated with respect, i.e. to be touched only after I've taken the ablution and dressed appropriately from head to toe.
For God's sake! It wasn't like it's the Quran. Besides, it wasn't like I was kicking the book about. I bought it in France with Euros not Sing dollars! Fortunately, she was willing to learn. So there's still hope. However, there are many ignorant people, young and old, who are not willing to learn.
It brings me to quote in the book, which I trully believe.
"The believers cannot simply be blind imitators, they have to be knowledgeable interpretors who exert themselves constantly and continuously to gain a fresher understanding of Islam."
Hey... I'm still learning.
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Monday, June 13, 2005 @ 1:00 am
I don't want to sound anal (I know I can be anal-retentive at times) but can all you guys please stop insulting me with declarations of love when all you want to do is to shag me? What's with the "I want to make love to you" shit when you hardly know me at all?
Call a spade a spade. Call a shag a shag. Don't call it love! It not only insults me but it insults the whole institution of love.! Love is supposed to be this unexplanable bond between two persons and it encompasses physical, spiritual, mental and emotional state of being.
Just the other night, I agreed to meet up with this guy who looked like a smart, young man, but in reality, is really a complete arsehole. For someone who was so proud to have claimed to contribute to the Malay community by being a member of a successful local R&B/hip-hop (whatever!) group, which by the way, had just released their new album with a new band name, of which MTV and the local radio stations are rotating in their playlists regularly, he sure has limited vocabulary.
He started off with a "I really love your smile" and it proceeded to "I really want to make love to you real bad". It's love this and love that to almost every part of my anatomy. He hasn't mentioned my toes yet.
Why did I entertain him? At first, I was just amused and naively thought that he was just teasing like some guys do. After awhile, I told him no matter how slutty a woman is, she doesn't like to be treated to such vulgar words, which, in his demented mind are his terms of endearment.
I told him to back off and he went on a tirade. He accused me of critising him from the very beginning and concluded that I'm the one with the problem with intimacy. Yes. I do have a problem. I have a problem with men who think that just because they earn so much shit per month, they could get anyone into bed and foolishly make me think that I was really doing it for love. AS IF!
The fun was definitely over when he boasted that he earns so much more than my ex-boyfriend (he's referring to D). Well! D may not earn as much as you but he is twice the man that you are and I'm not just referring to his dick.
After that, it got me thinking. Firstly, why me? He's in an industry with beautiful women aplenty. I'm so average that I could blend in the wall! Secondly, is that what guys see in me? As a sex object? It has never occurred to me before that when these guys started coming up to me and say something about my smile, they all want to get me into bed eventually.
I asked Din this question and he sort of confirmed those answers. He said that when we first met, he thought I was pretty and sweet. Now that he's known me, he couldn't get enough of me!
I'm beginning to hate men for their manipulative ways. I'm the victim here and yet somehow, they've managed to turn me into a criminal! Their argument was that if I hadn't started leading them on, it wouldn't have turned out that way. The nerve!
It's no wonder that I'm wary of love. The storybook definition of love does not exist anymore. It has been replaced by cheap, not even mind-blowing sex. I have been faking orgasms for so long that I can't even remember if I have actually experienced a real orgasm before!
Singaporean men are so full of hot air. They think they're the greatest lover this side of the world has ever produced. But they're just kidding themselves. They don't even have the guts to go to 7-11 to buy a pack of condoms! They either get the girl or some delivery guy to buy them some.
I think Singaporean women will one day be forced to defend our country because our men will still be living in their own "My Little Pony" world. Don't even try to give that excuse about how women can't be satisfied without real penises. From the "real" penises I've seen and experienced, sometimes, a dildo can give so much more pleasure.
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Saturday, June 11, 2005 @ 12:18 am
After watching Super Size Me, I don't feel so good. I looked at myself and I was appalled to see what I have become. I know this is a self-esteem issue again but seriously speaking, how many people would actually be attracted to a fat person?
In these politically-correct times, nobody in his right mind would publicily discrimate a fat person, but many do so in a not-so public setting. You don't even have to hear someone say it. Just look around! Fat is bad. Thin is good. Fat is ugly. Thin is beautiful.
Of course, the ever-slimy politicians will say that it's not about looks. It's about health. The health ministry rolls out campaigns after campaigns of living a healthy lifestyle but how come their ads and posters don't show obese people? Why must the people in those ads have perfect white teeth?
I wish I could for one bloody day, eat without feeling any guilt at all. Even when I was eating salads, I felt like I'm deceiving my body of the good stuff like a good dollop of strawberry ice cream or something. I just can't win, can I?
I know I should have a regular exercise regime but it's so difficult squeezing in time to have a proper workout. I miss going to the gym. I try to do some exercising though. Like climbing up the stairs instead of taking the lift or escalators, walking instead of driving and having more sex.
But sex with Din is so unsatisfactory. It's not that he's a lousy lover. He has some good moves but during the critical moments, he just choke. I just couldn't feel him you know what I mean? I contribute this to two causes: He's getting fatter and he's working harder.
If this keeps up, I might just find myself a fucking buddy. It's not right I know and everytime I do something like that, I feel so guilty that I punish myself by not eating or throwing up or worse, forced myself to have sex with Din.
I tried to help him with his... problem. He just wouldn't listen. I know he's aware of it but he's not doing much to fix the problem is he? I don't want to be married to someone who can't satisfy me sexually. I'm not a masturbating person either.
Maybe it's me. I don't know. Maybe I'm not alluring enough. Maybe I've grown so fat that he just can't bring himself to let go. Why the hell am I bringing myself down again? He has to work this out too. I want a Brad Pitt, not a Kevin James (although, he's kind of adorable and sweet)! If he can have expectations, why can't I?
"Do treat your women well and be kind to them for they are your partners and committed helpers."
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Thursday, June 09, 2005 @ 11:31 pm
I'm so pissed! I really don't know what his problem is but he sure has lots of problems with me! Can't stay out late. Can't go out with friends. Can't have supper. Can't do this. Can't do that. I'm not even talking about my dad!
I have this horrible habit of telling, no, ASKING, Din about what I want to do and where I want to go. I don't know why I do it. I don't even do that with my parents! But whatever his response was, I'd just do it.
Last night was Ladies' Night right? I was already in town because of a meeting, so I decided to just hang out in town. I was alone of course because my friends were either sick or not interested.
Din was not happy about it and repeatedly told me to go home. I tried to reason with him but he refused to listen. I'm not asking him to give in but he should at least respect my thoughtfulness of even informing him of my plans.
Me being the rebel that I am, I just headed to Devil's Bar and just sat at the bar and indulge in my cigarettes and alcohol. Hated the music there. After 2 hours, I moved on to Harry's @ Orchard. Took me 2 months to finally find the damn place.
I was appalled to have to pay $8 for a glass of fruit punch. Is fruit punch heavily taxed as well??? Some friends were playing there. It still felt awkward meeting them without D besides me. They were his friends.
After an hour, I moved on to Round Midnite. Gosh! That place gives me the creeps every time. Ordered apple juice this time round and it still cost me $8! What the hell??? Drinks in Singapore are getting more ridiculous.
Chit chatted with a young Londoner and he taught me a card game called Trumps. He sucked at cards. I was supposed to meet him again tonight but I'm stuck in school with this musical. Oh well. I'm kind of tired anyway. Didn't feel like clubbing.
Anyway, back to Din. He's being such a jerk. It wasn't like I was out fucking a guy. Not that it could not have happened but through some divine intervention, the opportunity never presented itself!
He's the one who married some girl right under my nose so why the hell is he so paranoid? I should be the one who should be an unreasonable bitch. I have every right to! As now, he's trying to score points with me. I know he's a proud person, being a Leo and all. But a simple sorry goes a long way.
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Tuesday, June 07, 2005 @ 11:32 pm
I wanted to write so much but now I've forgotten what I wanted to write about. If I only I had access to this site anytime, anywhere. I know I could use that moblog or something, but it doesn't allow me to write as much.
A former president of SPPA called me up this afternoon because he came across this blog site while searching for something. He said that it was a good thing that I was doing, especially about how I poured my heart on issues such as abortion.
Now, SPPA isn't an advocacy group. Not that I know of anyway. Personally, I don't think there's much advocacy activity in Singapore to begin with. I think the role of SPPA is to educate people on planned parenthood.
Who needs more education on planned parenthood than our young right? Afterall, I don't think the government is doing a good job at it. I don't think parents from which ever decade have done a good job at it even.
I remembered when I first experience the first stage of puberty ie breast development and hair growth, I thought I was turning into a freak. I had breasts when I was 9 years old! I looked at my sister and some of my students when they were 9 years old and they were still looking like pixies.
The menses finally came in the second half of my 10th year. I didn't know why I was bleeding down there. My mom weren't of any use either. She didn't even tell me that it was natural! Geez! I could accept her not telling about the biological changes but she just kept quiet about everything!
Thank God for libraries! I read books about the human body and that's how I learnt about reproduction and the mechanics of sexual reproduction. I didn't quite understand the sexual pleasure part even after reading those trashy romance novels, which helped me with my vocabulary though.
So, in a way, my parents didn't really play a part in my growing up years. I'm making sure my sister doesn't have to experience what I did. I'm going to be as honestly informative to her as possible even to questions about sex. I'm not going to stop or encourage her but if she's ready (IF AND ONLY IF), I'll even buy her contraceptive pills and condoms.
A friend sent me this site on Star Wars horoscope. I'm proud to say that I'm like Darth Vader. WooHoo!!! I'm a badass!!!
You can be cruel and torment people who disagree with you.
Deep down, there is a peace-loving, friendly side to you.
You have a knack for inflicting pain on people and use your intellect during battle.
Star wars character you are most like: Darth Vader
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Saturday, June 04, 2005 @ 11:20 pm
Guess what I did today? Nothing! OK. I did wash the dishes, wash and dried the clothes, swept the kitchen floor, wipe the stain from the countertops, cooked some lunch and dinner but that was all because I had nothing else to do. Even my sister asked me if I was really bored to have done all that!
No calls. No SMS. I didn't receive any. Not even from Din. He has forgotten me. Everyone has forgotten me! I had to check if my mobile subscription had been terminated. It had happened before.
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@ 2:32 am
I can't sleep. I haven't had a decent sleep for the last two weeks. My body's tired but my mind's wide awake. Even the prescribed sleeping pills couldn't knock me out! What am I thinking of? I don't know. Mostly random thoughts. I see images in my head but most of the time, they don't make sense.
As a result of this sleepless state, I've become restless and often bored. But who's going to hang out with me at two in the morning??? Most have work in the morning. Even if they're not working, they'll often cite tiredness due to the long day at work as an excuse. Can't blame them but it makes me feel even lonelier and sometimes, less worthy knowing that everyone else seems to be busy except me.
It's nights like these that I miss D a lot. Like I've told a friend, the shag is a bonus. It's the companionship that makes it all worthwhile. Sometimes I wish I could turn back time and make things right. How could something feel so right be so wrong? And how could something right feel so miserable?
Din has been accomodating. He's said some of the sweetest things ever to me today but what are honeyed words if he's often not here with me? Like right now when I needed companionship more than anything, he's at work taking down statements.
I could go for one night stands but it feels so empty. The silence has never been this loud before. What did I do wrong? I couldn't lie anymore. I miss D terribly and I want him back. But he doesn't want me anymore. That's a fact which anyone could never change.
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Wednesday, June 01, 2005 @ 12:13 am
I haven't been sleeping well since I returned from my trip. My diet's busted too. My brain isn't functioning and my discipline is really at the pits. It's as if my body mechanism has turned upside down or lost on its way through the Bermuda Triangle.
I really have to get my act back together again. Fast! My responsibilities are piling fast and furious and if I stay the way I am, I'm just going to drown in that pile. Oh God... What have I become???
It's odd though. It's not like I'm totally blind to what I'm doing. What I'm NOT doing is more accurate. I'm perfectly aware of everything. That's why I'm so conscious. Or is it possible that I've the most active conscience than any other human being?
For example, I don't really know what's going on with the school musical. It's June now and we're supposed to stage it at some theatre in town next bloody month! It wasn't like I completely ignored it. I just feel useless every time I attend the damn rehearsals!
What is an assistant stage manager supposed to do when the stage manager is handling almost everything already? I was the new kid on the block. As much as I tried to fit and learnt as fast about theatrework as fast as I could, I still feel like a complete outsider.
I helped to update the club's website. So what? Anybody could do that! You don't really need a programming knowledge to publish websites these days. What the hell do I know about theatre? I don't even go to the theatre! Not that I didn't want to. I was either broke or no one else was interested.
The volunteer stint at the Children's Society was also halted. I haven't vounteered there for a month now. I know for sure what kind of impression I've left the folks at that organisation. It's really bad. I really, really wanted to help out but the place is in bloody Yishun and they only made me do data entry!
Excuses I know. I'm pathetic the way I try to defend myself. There is no excuse to backing out on a supposed commitment. I would expect the same from someone who would be working for me. So why am I such a hypocrite?
SNAP OUT OF IT MODDIE!
Lunch: 1 plate of white rice with assam fish and fried chicken (threw up).
Supper: 2 plates of white rice with assam fish and fried chicken (threw up).
Snack: 2 servings of double chocolate ice cream.
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