modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005 @ 12:12 pm

Dear Blogger,

Ever since I was down with flu (I still am), I've been asking myself what am I doing to myself? I feel like even though I've done many things which I could only imagined of doing before, I still have to defend myself.

Why is that? What am I proving? Who am I proving to? Have I been wasting my time working towards my ideals? What are my ideals? Why do I burden myself with material luxuries? Who am I doing this for?

The questions go on and on and everytime I thought I've found the answers, some event, major or minor, changes all that. Self-doubt creeps in again. When that happens, I feel like a lost sheep, wandering along the plains of lost hopes.

When I thought I could make a difference in the lives of young people and education here, some negative forces manage to pull me back down to my cynical earth. When I thought I could be happy being independent, loneliness and sadness suck away my joyous soul and leave me empty.

I'm a walking contradiction. I want to be loved, yet I push away those who wants to love me. I want to be on top of the mountain of success, yet I'm not pushing myself to fulfill my fullest potential. I want to be happy, yet I linger in sadness. Am I sane?

I'm trapped in between. How do I get out of this state? Will I ever be free of this state? I WANT TO BE FREE!!!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Monday, May 30, 2005 @ 1:08 am

Dear Blogger,

Here are pictures of the participants at the International Youth Forum on Sexual and Reproductive Health and Rights in Buenos Aires.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

Youth Coalition Participants
                     

back to top

Sunday, May 29, 2005 @ 12:13 pm

Dear Blogger,

It has been a disappointing week for Man Utd but us supporters don't go around calling other teams' supporters prostitutes, whores, sluts or any other deregatory labels unlike a certain someone I know.

He may think it's just petty sore loser behaviour to get upset by such remarks but I am still offended by it. Not just because I support Man Utd, but also because I'm a woman. These remarks have always been unfairly associated with women. I can accept ManU(re) but this is too much! He may think it's funny. Is it funny to use such terms on anyone???

Call me old-fashioned but I think the real winner is the one who behaves maturely in defeat. I say congrats to Arsenal and Liverpool (great comeback, by the way!) but shame on you ARSEnal fan.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Saturday, May 28, 2005 @ 12:20 pm

Dear Blogger,

Here are pictures of Buenos Aires.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

street in buenos aires view from hotel room statue in park ricoleta ricoleta eva peron eva peron's grave la boca la boca children in la boca la boca la boca artwork at la boca street protest street protest 

back to top

Friday, May 27, 2005 @ 10:59 am

Dear Blogger,

Here are some photos I've taken in Paris. Be patient while the photos load. Enjoy!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

chatelet de halles pyramides musee de louvre louvre palace louvre palace concorde champs elysees notre dame notre dame's gargoyles eiffel tower eiffel tower french fries

back to top

Thursday, May 26, 2005 @ 10:12 pm

Dear Blogger,

I know it has been awhile since I've updated this blog site. I should have updated it as soon as I got home but it took me 2 days to get over the jetlag and as soon as I thought I was alright, I was down with flu. I'm feeling better now. I could feel all those prescribed drugs in my body doing their wonders. Here's a summary of my trip...

Friday, May 13th 2005
My family and I left for the airport at 9pm. My mom as usual, made a big fuss of it. My girlfriend and her fiance were already at the airport. I checked in my luggage and had a quick snack at the terminal's awful food court. I bought a carton of ciggies at the duty-free shop before I boarded the plane. The ciggies were for Din.

In the plane, I was seated in between a Tazmanian chap and a Portuguese lady. The Taz guy and I talked all night. I couldn't sleep even though I was tired. Perhaps it was the excitement of the start of the trip. The food served in the plane was mediocre considering it was the French who cooked it.

Saturday, May 14th 2005
Reached Paris Charles de Gaulle airport on Saturday morning. I could already feel the wonders of Paris. My french was basic bonjour, bonsoir, au revoir, parlevous angleis and merci. I didn't think I would need a french phrasebook and I didn't. Didn't need to collect my luggage because it was flown directly to Buenos Aires. So all I had was my backpack.

Left the airport and took the train downtown to Chatelet de Halle. It was raining and I didn't have an umbrella nor a raincoat with me. Forgotten to pack them. Decided to just walk in the rain and after awhile, I thought that was a stupid idea. It was bloody freezing!

I walked along the Seine river and took in the magnificent Louvre palace and museum. For a brief moment, I was transported back to the 17th or 18th century. All those tight corsets and flowing gowns. Alexandre Dumas stories came to mind.

In under 4 hours, I managed to view the Louvre, Eiffel Tower, Champs Elysees and Notre Dame. All by foot. Had crepe with fromage (cheese) and coffee for lunch. Couldn't afford anything else because I didn't carry a lot of cash with me.

Returned to the airport at 7pm and just dozed off at the transit area till the next flight to Buenos Aires. By then, I was feeling miserable due to the cold and twisted ankle. Wished that I could have a hot shower and some dry clothes.

Sunday, May 15th 2005
Reached Buenos Aires (finally!) in the morning. Had to mentally switch my brain from french to spanish. Met some of the forum's participants at the airport. Did more waiting for other participants. I was so exhausted and braindead but excited at the same time.

Reached my hotel room around lunch time and a great relief came over me. Had a hot shower and change of clothes but I still didn't have any money. So no lunch for me. Besides, most shops in Buenos Aires were closed because it was Sunday.

The hotel is right smack in the middle of downtown so after a few hour's rest, I decided to go for a walk. Closed shops and banks everywhere. Walked for several blocks and decided to just stay in the hotel room and watch telly.

Monday, May 16th 2005
The first day of the forum and first day of breakfast in the hotel. Breakfast consisted of bread, scrambled eggs, cold cuts and pastries. I didn't touch the pastries because they looked too sweet for me. Met other participants and realised that these people were actual activitists!

At the auditorium, the organisers started with an introduction, goals, objectives, etc. Typical of any event. Everybody arrived with their own agenda. Everybody wanted to be heard. For once, my voice was drowned by others. No big deal. Their countries need people like them.

In the evening, had cultural night. Everyone was required to wear their traditional costumes and share sweets, cookies, candies and stuff like that. I wore my yellow-gold baju kurung. My roommate from Vietnam wore her traditional costumes. Not everyone was into dressing up though. It was fun.

Late at night, some of us went drinking at a pub at ricoleta. I had gotten my money from the organisers (about US$200) so I ordered light beer. I was amazed that I could actually drink that stuff. I had never gotten used to beer. We moved on to the Sahara club where it was playing salsa. Reminded me of Brix. Like always, I was at the bar drinking and making small talk with the bartender, who was incredibly good-looking, while the others were at the dance floor trying to dance to salsa.

Tuesday, May 17th 2005
The second day of the forum consisted of definitions and understanding. I was pretty new at this stuff. Activism in Singapore is practically zero as compared to my counterparts. I didn't think I could contribute effectively as I thought I could.

I always thought the sexual and reproductive health and rights include a wholesome and comprehensive sexual education. I never thought that it could include the right to sexual pleasure! I thought to advocate this right for youths is dangerous. I thought advocating for anything has to be dealt with some responsibility.

After dinner, I joined some people out walking on the streets of Buenos Aires. We were supposed to sit in a cafe and chit chat over coffee. We couldn't find any so we decided to drink in the hotel instead. Drink as in buying a bottle of smirnoff and a deck of cards and just go loco (crazy) in someone's room.

Over vodka and orange juice, we played a sort of "Truth or Dare" game with sex as the topic. Despite my open-mindedness, I surprised myself and others by being somewhat of a conservative. I was the only one in the room who hadn't had an orgasm by oral sex. I was the only one who's favourite position is the missionary. It was shocking actually.

Wednesday, May 18th 2005
We broke up into workgroups. I was in the education workgroup. How to incorporate sexual and reproductive health and rights into primary education for worldwide use? This was something I could relate to because I didn't have any formal education on this in my growing up years.

In the evening, I joined a Trinidadian and Ecuadorian out on the street. We ended up at a club called the Museum. Happening club! It was probably just me but I have a knack for attracting drunk guys, no matter what nationality he belonged to.

Thursday, May 19th 2005
More workgroup discussion but at least all of us had come to a concensus on what we think the UN should do about universal education. We came up with recommendations and plans of actions. We're doing something alright and I felt proud to be part of this movement.

It was the second last night and most of the participants headed out to a club. We wanted to go to this club called Club 69 but it was temporarily closed due to a private function. We headed to a nearby club and chilled while waiting for that other club to open to the public.

I didn't quite enjoy myself because there were too many people. I ended up drinking and smoking on my own at the bar. Then something came over me. I didn't know whether it was the alcohol and ciggies effect or was it just me but I grabbed one of the guys and just made out with him at the deserted upper level of the club. He was bisexual. I knew it was going to be weird in the morning, but I didn't care. I'd probably never see anyone of these people after that.

Friday, May 20th 2005
The last day of the forum and all of us were tired after a week of advocacy and partying. We settled on the advocacy campaign and agreed on the set of declarations we had all come up with. It was a poignant moment because everyone knew that we'd never see one another again after this.

For dinner, the organisers had brought us to a dinner at a tango club. It was one of those restaurants which serves food and entertainment. The tango performance was alright but I thought the dancers lacked passion. Tango was all about passion wasn't it?

Some of us didn't want to sleep even though we're checking out early next morning. I so agreed with that. I just wanted to party all night! We went to the Museum again and surprise surprise! Tonight, there was a strip show! This was definitely new to me.

The first thing I saw on stage was a nun dancing to Britney Spears. It took me awhile to realise that she wasn't really a nun. Duh! As she slowly removed her costume, my brain just went on overdrive. "Oh god! Oh god! She's stripping!" OK, I'm naive, I know. She didn't go all the way. Just topless.

The rest of the strippers after that were male. Not my thing. We got our drinks and joined the rest dancing on the dance floor. I bought more drinks and surprisingly enough, I wasn't drunk at the end of it all. I guessed after a week of drinking and smoking, my body's just gotten used to it.

Saturday, May 21st 2005
Checked out of the hotel at 10am but left my luggage in one of the rooms because I didn't need to go to the airport till 2.30pm. My Filipino friend and I went to Ricoleta for some marketplace shopping. Bought some really interesting arts and crafts and not forgetting books.

Returned to the hotel to collect my luggage. The shuttle bus brought some of us to the airport. Called Din in the bus. I knew this month's phone bills will kill me! More waiting at the airport. Finally boarded the plane at 4.45pm but didn't fly till about 7pm. Delayed due to fuel leakage.

Sunday, May 22nd 2005
Back in Paris and I decided not to rush this time. Got on the train again and went to the Eiffel Tower. It wasn't raining this time and the walk along Seine river was splendid. Had a very expensive french fries (the irony) for lunch. Had almost tasted like Chinese food for dinner. Chit chat with a German guy over dinner. Went back to the airport at about 8pm.

Monday, May 23rd 2005
Home sweet home! Landed at Changi Terminal 1 at 6pm. Being back home had not felt this good before. Slept till the afternoon the next day.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Friday, May 13, 2005 @ 6:40 pm

Dear Blogger,

Din finally gave me my very belated birthday present. The first in 3 years. I expected some cheap costume jewellery because that was what he had told me in January. What I received was a small, sleek paperbag and it inside was an even smaller red box.

I've seen that box before. He had given me a similar box before. Inside that last box was a diamond-studded star-shaped locket attached to a white gold chain. Honestly speaking, I half expected a diamond ring in this latest box.

It was diamond alright. But it was a diamond wrapped in a heart-shaped white gold locket. Three years ago, when he presented with the star, he said that I was the star of his life. He didn't explain the heart this time though but it was as if he was telling me that he wants me to have his heart. Everyone say.... awwwwwwwww.

I gave him a kiss and said thank you but I restraint myself from giving in to sex. I was just not in the mood for it. Sex would just cheapen the moment. It had been a long day. I was tired. I wanted to sleep, in his arms like he used to do. I wanted to feel the protected and safe. He still gives that aura.

I woke up at 4am and he was still there. I knew he had just fallen asleep. I kissed him. A soft kiss on his dry lips. I wet every inch of his lips with my tongue and he stirred from his sleep. I like watching him in his sleep. He wasn't snoring but even if it does, I don't think it would bother me.

He was hard. Most guys tend to be erected at that hour. I may be wrong of course but this was just my experience. I caressed him with my fingertip. I haven't touched it in such a loving manner since... well, let's not mention his name.

I haven't tasted it for so long that I've forgotten the effect of my warm breath it has on him. He grabbed my hands when it my warm, moist breath went it deep to the base. I stopped. I thought I had hurt him but he said I was killing him with the tension.

I pulled out and retrieved a condom from my purse. Yes, I always carry at least one. Like most guys, he doesn't like to carry one. He put it on and before he could totally wake up, I slid myself onto him. It felt like I was about to explode. It was just so... mind-blowing!

I thought I was going to hyperventilate. I really couldn't breathe. The feeling was so distant a memory. Was he really in love with me? Was that why it felt like it was more than just sex? I couldn't think anymore. I just... collapsed. Then, I was scared. Scared of love.

I don't know if I'll see him tonight. He was so surprised by my intensity that he literally caught a fever. He's asleep and I doubt he'll wake up in time to see me off. It doesn't matter. He was never really there for the big events in my life anyway.

It's 4 hours to my flight. I've packed my bags and I'm gearing for the unexpected. South America will be the furthest continent I'll be going yet. Just like Ernesto Che Guevara, I'm on a road to self-discovery and this road doesn't just end in Buenos Aires. It ends when I've no more breath to travel. Goodbye Singapore! Hola Buenos Aires!

"Let the world change you and you will change the world." - The Motorcycle Diaries

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Wednesday, May 11, 2005 @ 11:59 pm

Dear Blogger,

I just couldn't stop thinking of him this whole week. I tried not to but there's always something there to remind me. A song, a place, a conversation... even something remotely unrelated such as religion reminded me of him. It has been almost four months now and time has not healed me completely.

There are a lot of things in my mind right now but the thought of him lingers frustratingly up there among other things. I try not to regret anything in my life but sometimes I just wonder. I wish I could just erase him from my memory just like Clementine did in the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

If his other half still reads this, well, what can I say? Would it bring her great pleasure to see me in this state? I am moving on but there's this small part of me that refuses to leave. How do I get over this? I am meeting other people. I am filling up my time with activities. What else can I possibly do?

Even God seems to be turning a deaf ear to my prayers. I know He's not. He's probably telling me that there is time for everything. When will I finally be free of his prison? Will I ever be free? I don't want things to be the way they were. I just want things to be alright.

I'm kind of content with the way things are right now. It's just that it disturbs me to know that someone I still care for thinks the worst of me. I know he's not worth my grey cells but I am weak. I am a weak soul pretending to be strong.

Writing to Reach You - Travis
Every day I wake up and it's Sunday
Whatever's in my head won't go away
The radio is playing all the usual
And what's a wonderwall anyway

It's good to know that you are home for Christmas
It's good to know that you are doing well
It's good to know that you all know I'm hurting
It's good to know I'm feeling not so well

Because my inside is outside
My right side's on the left side
'Cos I'm writing to reach you
But I might never reach you
I long to teach you about you
But that's not you
Do you know it's true
And that won't do

Sincerely,
modgurl.

Food Diary

Breakfast: 2 pieces of frankfurters.
Lunch: 2 regular-sized KFC popcorn chicken.
Dinner: 1 piece of mango.
Supper: 1 serving of seafood lasagna.
Snack: 1/2 glass of beer.
Cigarettes: 5 sticks.

back to top

Tuesday, May 10, 2005 @ 11:38 pm

Dear Blogger,

I didn't sleep till 4am last night. It started with the intention of watching my CSI DVD season 1 disc 5, which I rented a few days ago. I ended up watching some sitcoms on telly followed by Brides of Dracula on Cinemax. Boy was that movie a classic! Campy, but classic!

There was Peter Cushing as the dead-serious but very gentlemanly Dr Van Helsing. For Star Wars geeks out there, you might know Peter Cushing as the commander of the Death Star (I think!). The funny thing about this movie was how one of the "brides" look uncannyly like Mr Wacko himself. Or maybe he made himself look like her. Hmm... freaky!

Didn't do much today except went marketing in the morning with mommy and tuitions in the afternoon and evening. Got time in the middle to finally watch my CSI DVD. Had time during the dinner break to watch Motorcycle Diaries although I only managed to watch half of it. Che Guevara never looked this good as a young man. *swoon*

I liked this movie a lot because I could understand what Guevara was going through. Here was this young man from a middle-class family and would have graduated from medical school after his road trip, but he realised that he hadn't a direction in life till he saw and experienced the unjustice of his Latin American world.

I guess it takes an activist to understand another activist. How odd it is to call myself an activist. Sure I have my causes and I tend to be passionate about some of them. Sexual and reproductive rights is one of them of course. But I love money and power too! Isn't that a conflict of interest?

There's an application for a UN internship in New York and I'm thinking of applying for it. All expenses paid of course. Is this my destiny? To fight for causes which are burdened by politics and paperwork? I used to see myself in a boardroom of some Fortune 500 company but I just don't have that hunger to reach that potential. I don't have that killer instinct. Flashes of Wall Street and Michael Douglas...

It would be a great experience though to work for UN. Even though I think UN is even less powerful than a toddler (babies have power you know) now, at least Kofi Annan is doing something to save this dying planet. His Millenium Project won't do much but some poor developing country will benefit somehow. I wish I have Bono's celebrity status.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

Food Diary

Breakfast: 1 serving of chicken porridge and 1 cup of ginger tea.
Lunch: 1 serving of porridge with fried tofu, pickled vegetables and braised prawns.
Dinner: 1 piece fried tofu.
Supper: 1 serving of fried rice with fried tofu (threw up).
Snacks: 1 serving of muruku.
Cigarettes: 3 sticks.

back to top

Monday, May 09, 2005 @ 11:59 pm

Dear Blogger,

I planned to go to Harry's tonight. I've been planning it for weeks! I've even planned what to wear. I was going to wear my halter neck dress with the barely there, cleavage-baring front. It's one of my most daring dresses. I wanted to see the guys before I fly off on Friday.

I didn't get to see them. I didn't get to go to Harry's. It was as if there was divine intervention. After I got home from tuition to rest for awhile, my mom suddenly decided to give us a treat. In JB! I was too exhausted to come up with better excuses. Even my exhaustion excuse didn't have any effect on her!

I had no choice but to drive my parents and my sis (my brothers were working) to JB where we wasted almost 2 hours at the Checkpoint because the BMW in front of us broke down in the middle of the congested lane. All I wanted to do then was to pull out stick and light it. But I can't. Daddy was behind me.

Then I thought we should be back by 10pm. I'd have time to get changed and head down to Harry's. But no. I finally reached my block at 11.30pm. I could still make it but what's the point? My presence wouldn't make the impact that I had planned for.

I was so damn sure I'd spend my evenings at Harry's because I had dreamt about it this morning. In that dream, he was ignoring me as expected. Then I started to weep because I guess him ignoring me was too much to bear. He softened and then he kissed me.

I know it was just a dream but I could feel that undescribable feeling in my stomach just as I had felt it the first time he kissed me. It was a confusing mix of nervousness, fear, excitement, lust and desire. I feel that in my stomach. You know how when you've kissed someone, you just know that it's not just going to be a fling? I felt that with Din and I felt that with him.

He will never be brave enough to want to talk to me again. I can understand that. He has priorities. I just wish him all the best and call me selfish but I hope he never forgets me. It's just a joke sometimes how men I've fallen for are married.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

Food Diary

Breakfast: 1 serving of instant noodles.
Lunch: None.
Dinner: 1 serving of white rice with boiled spinach (threw up).
Supper: 1 serving of garoupa in sweet and sour sauce, 1 serving of prawns cooked in sambal, 1 serving of tofu served in hotplate and 1 glass of carrot juice with milk.
Snacks: 2 servings of Chicken in a Biscuit.
Cigarettes: None.

back to top

Saturday, May 07, 2005 @ 11:59 pm

Dear Blogger,

I went to the Blue Bar tonight. Same gig. Same act. The sad and frustrating thing was, everytime I'm there, I was hoping that D would walk in through those doors. I know I shouldn't even think about but it just happened. When I came, the Acoustic Trio were playing my songs like "How Deep Is Your Love" by Bee Gees, "She Will Be Loved" by Maroon 5 and "High" by Lighthouse Family.

When Trisno and the guys started playing "The Look of Love" (their R&B-infused version of course), I almost lost it. I could feel my eyes swelling up with tears but fortunately, they never poured. Past events were playing in my mind. All the good ones. I wished he'd call.

It's Mother's Day. Happy Almost Mother's Day to me. My family and I are not big on these occassions. We don't a lot of things, not even birthdays. I make a big deal out of my birthday but generally, we don't celebrate anything.

Anyway, my baby would have been about 5 months old if I had given it a chance to live. The surgery seemed so distant now but it was never forgotten. I still remember every detail of it. It's just something which I can brush to the back of my mind.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

Food Diary

Breakfast: 2 pieces of chicken wings (braised).
Lunch: 1/2 serving of white rice with 1 piece of chicken wing and 1 serving of shredded cucumbers.
Dinner: None.
Supper: 2 pieces of prata, 1 serving of mutton soup (threw up) and 1 glass of milo.
Snacks: 1 pear.
Cigarettes: 5 stick.

back to top

Friday, May 06, 2005 @ 11:59 pm

Dear Blogger,

My favourite expressway is the TPE/SLE because it's such a simple expressway. It's not long like the ECP but driving on that road at the wee hours of the morning is simply peaceful. Hardly any cars on the road, therefore less distractions.

It could also be a dangerous stretch because you're alone on the road. You could just doze off and crash into the centre barrier. Other than that, it's really a thinking or reflection road. I tend to do my serious thinking when I'm driving on that expressway. Most people would tell me that it's dangerous to let your mind wander far off into space while driving, but not me.

I was thinking about my future and how best I could save up my wages permanently. My saving practice has always been to transfer 10% of my wages into the each savings accounts that I have. It has been effective so far. I've trained my brain in such a way that I mentally forget that I even have those accounts! The only account that I constantly remember is my current account or what I call the spending account.

My spending account is almost always empty. No suprises there. But I'm surprised at how much money I've saved, considering that I don't have the earning power that I used to have. I mean, I haven't saved up to tens of thousands of dollars yet but I'm slowly getting there. Sometimes I amaze myself with how much discipline I have.

If only Din could be as financially-wise as I am. He earns more than me now but I don't know what he does to his earnings. He doesn't even know either. Even when I helped him with his finances, I was sure that he'd have enough savings to live off comfortably. But he doesn't!

He blamed it on his bills of course. Everyone has bills! I have more bills and not forgetting debts, than he does but somehow I managed to survive comfortably. Of course, sometimes, I'm almost drowning but I'm sure everyone has that moments sometimes. If this keeps up, how the hell is he going to provide me with a comfortable life? I'm not going to marry someone who doesn't have decent savings.

Can I learn to live a simple life? Yes I can. Do I want to? No I don't. I work hard for this lifestyle! It's not like I've a sugar daddy and a decent grandparent who has left me with a trust fund. If I'm such an arse, I wouldn't be taking on multiple tuition assignments and working at some mind-numbing job! Marry a rich man? Yeah right. Rich men only marry their secretaries or flight attendants. Besides, it's more fun being the mistress.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

Food Diary

Breakfast: None.
Lunch: 1 serving of white rice with pickled lime (threw up).
Dinner: None.
Supper: 1 serving of lamb chop and 1 glass of ice coffee (less sweet).
Snack: 2 pears.
Cigarettes: 5 sticks.

back to top

Thursday, May 05, 2005 @ 10:10 pm

Dear Blogger,

My phone went dead this morning. I was without my most basic and most convenient communication device the whole day and I was miserable. All I day all I could think of who was trying to contact me. On top of that, I'm an SMS addict. I can do without calls but it's really tough for me to go without SMS.

It's odd though. Of all things I could possibly be addicted to, it has to be SMS. Now why is that? SMS isn't really cheap despite the so-called free SMS packages that were touted to us stupid consumers. Even the "free incoming calls" are not exactly free. Go check it out yourself!

I'm digressing. I was really miserable. I was really restless. I kept pacing in and out of the kitchen. Raiding the refrigerator of whatever that's worth raiding. There goes my diet! I was doing well with my less-carb diet until my phone went dead. It got so bad that I had to just suck in the nicotine and tar into my lungs.

Is this what I've become? A slave to machines? I can barely contain my sanity without a working mobile. I won't go out without a car. I feel like dying if I don't have access to the Internet. I am such a geek! No wonder I don't have a life.

Another thing is, my grandma is such an arse. I can say that about her because in all my life, she has never behaved like a grandma. She's a stranger actually. She doesn't even know my full name! I had to suck up to her now because I was really at my deepest shit last Boxing Day when I had to attend court. It was a really low moment in my life.

No wonder my mom is never close to her. My grandma is blatant about who are her favourites and who aren't. Usually, the favourite ones are not even family. I've never met my grandad but I'll bet he's the peacekeeper of his zoo of a family.

I don't know what he saw in her. I guess she was quite a beauty in her youth because I look exactly like my mom and my mom should look like her mom right? My dad fell for my mom as soon as he met her so I guess the same thing happened to grandad.

I wonder if the same thing would happen to me. Din and I were stuck together since the first time he met me. I didn't initiate anything honest! He made all the moves. And the funny thing was, it didn't freak me out one bit. It felt like it was meant to be like that all along!

Anyway, I'm really upset with him right now. He did a really stupid thing and didn't even bother to tell me about it. He's always like that! Is there anything wrong with me? Am I too unapproachable or too fierce? Am I not reasonable? All he had to do was tell me and whether or not I'll get upset is another matter. I swear to God, he'll be the death of me one of these days.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

Food Diary

Breakfast: 1 piece of assam fish.
Lunch: 1 serving of fried rice with assam fish (threw up).
Dinner: 2 pieces of assam fish (threw up).
Supper: 2 pieces of assam fish and some pickled lime (threw up).
Snack: 2 pears and 1 banana.
Cigarettes: 1 stick.

back to top

Wednesday, May 04, 2005 @ 11:53 pm

Dear Blogger,

I've finally received my flight details. I'll be stopping by Paris for half a day before I board my next flight to Buenos Aires. Imagine that. I'll have a chance to practise both spanish and french! And hopefully chat up some approachable romantic men. Romantic as in, the languages they speak are categorised as romantic languages.

I'll be flying off next friday night. Close to midnight actually but that's cool. It's a 13 hours flight to Paris and another 13 hours to Buenos Aires. I'm just thinking what to do in that tin can up on air! I can't sleep for 13 hours can I? Thought of bringing my notebook along but the battery doesn't last more than 5 hours. It's not like I can surf the Internet up there anyway.

I've contacted the clubs for possible venues of the party. They came back pretty expensive but that's because they were offering dining as well. I don't think $50 per person for a dinner will sit down well for everyone. Especially if the target participants are youths.

So I thought outside the box! There are criteria to selecting the venues though. They are:
  1. They have to easily accessible by the MRT.
  2. They have to be in town.
  3. They have to fit 250 people.
  4. They have to be inexpensive.
So I managed to come up with a some alternatives.
  1. Fort Canning
  2. CHIJMES
  3. The Arts House
  4. The Asian Civilisation Museum
  5. The Singapore Arts Museum
  6. The Singapore History Museum

These venues charge by the day instead of per head and they all cost less than $1500. Besides, these places are so romantic don't you think? I was just telling my team mate that if I do get married, I'd like to hold my wedding reception at any of these places. Obviously, my wedding reception is limited to just very tightly close families and friends only.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

Food Diary

Breakfast: 3 pieces of fried fish fillet.
Lunch: 1/2 serving of some squid dish and 1 serving of keropok.
Dinner: 1 serving of fried noodles.
Supper: None.
Snack: 2 glasses of milk.
Cigarettes: None.

Discussion topics for tagboard:
  1. What are the specific needs/issues that youths face in relation to their sexual and reproductive rights?
  2. How can we attract youths to actively participate in the advocation of their sexual and reproductive rights?

back to top

Tuesday, May 03, 2005 @ 11:36 pm

Dear Blogger,

Din was really serious about it. After a night of silence, he asked me again why I said such things to him last night. What did he expect me to say? Did he expect me to lie? I don't lie about such things. Too many hearts have been broken because of lies. My policy on love: Be honest, straight to the heart and get it over and done with.

He asked me why again. How many times must I explain to him? How could I possibly feel the same way about somebody who went to marry off someone else? As much as I tried to, I just can't do it. Things have changed! I'm not naive anymore. I've learnt a lot from those hard knocks.

He said he's already told his wife of his intentions to divorce but she hasn't said anything yet. His reason for divorce is that he still loves me. Oh boy! This is going to be one messy divorce. There is no way that woman is going to let him off easily, even though it was an arranged marriage. From our very brief conversation last year, she seemed like a very proud woman.

I guess I can handle her. It's when both families get involved that's going to be messy. I can foresee that his and her family will gang up against us. That's a very... exhausting thought. His mom never liked me anyway. I was just too modern for her.

So I asked him, what's next after the divorce. He said he'll marry me, once he's saved up enough. Hmm. I don't think I'd like that. I will forever be known as the second wife and a very unpopular one at that. I just don't think marrying him is a good idea.

I don't know why I didn't tell him that. Instead, I told him I want an engagement first. I won't have it any other way. As a compromise, I gave him till my next birthday for him to put a Tiffany's diamond ring on my finger. I hope that scares him off. Besides, I doubt he has the balls to go through the divorce in the first place.

I'm just taking all these with a barrel of cynicism. I'm cynical about men, love and marriage. Nothing is sacred anymore! If I need a man to satisfy some basic needs, there are plenty of men who are willing. If I need love, I'll just buy myself another huggable teddy bear. If I need marriage, I'll just marry my work.

On another matter, the Singapore Planned Parenthood Association's Youth Committee is organising a party for youths who are intrested to join our committee. It'll be held on 15th July 2005. I'm looking for help in the planning of this event. If anyone's interested, you can leave a message and a contact detail.

I'm in charge of the logistics so I'm sourcing for suitable venues for the party for about 250 youths. Hard Rock Cafe hasn't replied my calls but I think that's a great place to have a party right? Other possible venues on my list are:
  1. China Jump Bar & Grill
  2. Bar None
  3. Brix
  4. Zouk (highly unlikely but no harm trying)
If anyone has contacts or connections or suggestions, drop me a note too! Here's a brief poll for the theme of the party:
  1. Bollywood
  2. Madhatters
  3. Movies
  4. School Night
  5. Salsa Fiesta
It's a toss between School Night and Salsa Fiesta for me. There's just something about crisp white shirts, navy blue tie, short pleated skirt, knee socks and Mary Janes. Think Alicia Silverstone and Liv Tyler in the Aerosmith's Crazy video.

It's Salsa because I have soft spot for it. Also, it might give me the chance to hire those latin bands I've been hanging out with. But kids are not keen on salsa. It's gangsta rap and hip hop these days. I've nothing against that but there's more to music than bling blings.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

Food Diary

Breakfast: 1 serving of hokkien mee.
Lunch: 1 serving of white rice with fish fried in chilli and 2 servings of stir-fried leafy greens.
Dinner: 1 serving of white rice with fish fried in chilli.
Supper: 1/2 serving of white rice with fish fried in chilli and 2 servings of steamed spinach.
Snack: 1 glass of strawberry yoghurt drink, 1 glass of orange juice and 1 serving of glutinous rice, chicken and water chestnut.
Cigarettes: 1 stick.

Discussion topics for tagboard:
  1. What are the specific needs/issues that youths face in relation to their sexual and reproductive rights?
  2. How can we attract youths to actively participate in the advocation of their sexual and reproductive rights?

back to top

Monday, May 02, 2005 @ 11:59 pm

Dear Blogger,

Din surprised me with a question this afternoon. He asked me if I love him. I don't know why it surprised me because he frequently asks me this. But I usually took it in jest and I tended to avoid answering him. I mean, to ask me this is a serious question. Something which should be answered truthfully but tactfully. Tact, by the way, is something which I've been trying to work on.

I guessed this time round, he sounded serious and I didn't feel like I had any other choice but to be serious too. I clarified with him first about what did he mean by "love"? Afterall, there are many forms of love. He gave me an ambiguous answer thus confirming the fact that he didn't even know what kind of love was he seeking from me.

So I told him the truth! I don't love him like I used to and that was because he has been away from my life for such a long time. Sometimes, I don't even recognise him anymore! He has remained silent ever since. Better be honest with him now than put on a facade. Not that I've been lying to him all this while. I've even told him before that I was just using him for sex!

What is it with guys and the truth? They can't seem to handle it! They prefer to stay in a dream state instead of facing the truth. My only theory is that it was probably due to all that mollycoddling from mommy. Haven't you realised how attached sons are to their mothers? Even in foreplay, when guys suck our nipples, it has that creepy feeling of breastfeeding.

I'm not saying that it isn't the same for girls either. Some of us are close to our daddies. So much so that we tend to be attracted to guys who share the same qualities as our fathers'! Not only does Din and I share the same father's name (is that the first sign of fate or what?), Din has this uncanny personality resemblance as my dad!

Both are not really sociable. Both are workaholics. Both have conventional thinking. Both give a sense of security. Both are attached to women who get bored easily. Mom was a hottie by the way (and she still is!). The only public difference is that my dad hates uniform groups. Then again, I guess all fathers would prefer their daughters to be attached to a traditionally recognised profession like a doctor or lawyer or engineer.

Why can't we just be friends? Why must love get in the way? Love, I think, is a destructive force. Too little and it destroys. Too much and it destroys too. When you've reached a balance, you become stagnant and complacent. I'm beginning to think that love is a favourite weapon of the devil's. It uses love to make us lose our senses.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

Food Diary

Breakfast: 1 serving of instant noodles.
Lunch: 1 serving of white rice with fish curry.
Dinner: None.
Supper: 1 serving of chicken bryani (threw up).
Snack: 1 piece of Oreo cookie.
Cigarettes: None.

Discussion topics for tagboard:
  1. What are the specific needs/issues that youths face in relation to their sexual and reproductive rights?
  2. How can we attract youths to actively participate in the advocation of their sexual and reproductive rights?

back to top

Sunday, May 01, 2005 @ 11:59 pm

Dear Blogger,

The details of the Youth Forum in Buenos Aires are coming in fast and furious. I've just managed to browse through the documents which included cost covered and itinerary. The Youth Coalition must be huge to have organised something like this and at such a budget as this. I'll only know my flight details in a few days.

The organisation has given us some homework before the forum. I thought it'll be good to do some research before the event. I kind of like the illusion that I'm representing my country in a UN-endorsed event. Anyway, even if this forum isn't a global event, I'd still do my homework. I don't want to look like an idiot among my peers. At least, the words that will come out from my mouth should make some sense and based on some facts.

Things I should know before the forum:
  1. Has my government signed onto the Millenium Declaration?
  2. What time frame does my government have to implement the MDGs?
  3. What is my country doing with respect to the need for a more comprehensive statistical database to monitor the progress towards the MDGs?
  4. What section of my government is responsible for the implementation of the MDG framework?
  5. Is my government planning on attending the 5-year review of the Millenium Summit? If yes, who has been invited to participate in my government's delegation to the Millenium Summit?
  6. Did my country issue any specific statements related to the MDGs? If yes, did it say anything regarding Sexual and Reproductive Health and Rights (SRHR) or young people?
  7. Does my country have a country report on the progress towards the MDGs? If yes, does the report mention anything about SRHR or young people?
  8. Does my country have a national youth policy or strategy? If yes, does it mention youth participation? If yes, does it mention SRHR?

Things that you could help me with:

  1. Specific needs/issues that youths face in relation to their sexual and reproductive rights.
  2. How can we attract youths to actively participate in the advocation of their sexual and reproductive rights?

Just two questions but they're huge questions. I'd appreciate your input on these issues in my tagboard but I'd appreciate more if you leave the nonsense elsewhere. Some people genuinely want to make a difference and help change the world and mankind for the better. Others just seem to want to ridicule it.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

Food Diary

Breakfast: 1 serving of chicken rice with white chicken.
Lunch: 1 serving of white rice with sambal sotong (cuttlefish).
Dinner: None.
Supper: 1 piece of waffle with peanut butter and 2 pieces chicken nuggets.
Snack: None.
Cigarettes: None.

back to top

latest post  ::  newer post  ::  older post
archives

recent posts

LAYOUT BANNER COLORS MINIICONS