modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Saturday, April 30, 2005 @ 11:59 pm

Dear Blogger,

Today at tuition, I spent more time napping than tutoring. So does my student. We both tried to do the tasks that were assigned to us but somehow it was awfully laborious to do them! I think it's this damn weather we're having. It's a bloody heat wave!

With the smoking and drinking I've been indulging lately, I'm dehydrating more than ever. Thank God that H2O is one of my all-time favourite drinks. What's causing this heat wave? CFC? Pollution? I'd like to think that man caused this.

I always knew that man is a danger to itself. With all these intelligence and emotions in our veins and not forgetting the absence of a natural predator, it's only a matter of time that man will find a way to destroy itself.

For the theological-inclined, the heat wave may be one of the signs from God. A punishment for all the destruction man has done to God's natural wonders. What can I say? Man deserves it.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

Food Diary

Breakfast: 1 serving fried bee hoon and fried rice.
Lunch: 1 serving fried bee hoon.
Dinner: None.
Supper: 1 serving of white rice with mutton soup.
Snack: 1 bottle of Coke Light, 1 can of potato chips (less salt) and 1 banana.
Cigarettes: None.

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Friday, April 29, 2005 @ 11:59 pm

Dear Blogger,

I went to Swensens at Orchard earlier for a gathering of-sorts with my Youth Committee. I don't know why I even bother. When we made arrangements, I told everyone that I can only make it after 11pm because I'm working till then. The general response was, "Yeah, it's OK, we'll wait for you". The next time someone says something like that to me, I'll fuck off and do my own thing.

By the time I arrived, everyone has had their stomach filled. I expected that. No big deal. But what really infuriated me was that barely 5 minutes my arse had warmed the seat, someone asked, "Hey, you're not going to eat are you? If not, we'll hang somewhere else." What was I supposed to say? "I haven't eaten since breakfast. You guys don't mind waiting and watch me eat?"

Maybe they thought, six out of eight members isn't that bad. What am I? Insignificant? Yes! That's what I am! Afterall, who wants a controversial figure in their midst right? I am, at the end of the day, a fighter for lost causes. You know what? This is getting too petty. Lesson learnt.

No point for me to linger because I was already out of the picture. So I left and headed to Coccolatte. Another mistake. Should have just gone to Blue Bar or better still, home. The place was too loud, too crowded and too small. What am I talking about? It's a freaking club!

I stayed for a few hours because I had paid a damn cover charge for entry. The drinks didn't even make up for it. Crappy drinks! I made a friend there but he was using me to get to know my friend's girlfriend. I've totally lost it haven't I? My dress code these days are tees, jeans and sneakers. I haven't worn anything else remotely attractive for quite awhile because... why bother?

Then, on my way home, someone told me, "Hey, I thought I saw D at Carnaval!" If that was his way of getting me back out to town, he can dream on. D or not, I don't fucking care. I just wanted to be back in my room with all my babies. I'm disappointed enough already.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

Food Diary

Breakfast: 1 serving of white rice and assam fish (last night's leftovers).
Lunch: 1 serving of instant noodles and 2 servings of cabbages, cucumbers and leafy greens (threw up).
Dinner: None.
Supper: 1 serving of instant mashed potato (from 7-11), half a jug of diluted bourbon coke (I think!) and 1 serving of glutinous rice with chicken (from SPC).
Cigarettes: 7 sticks.

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Thursday, April 28, 2005 @ 6:45 pm

Dear Blogger,

I'm here in my last few days of school at the Bukit Timah campus. I'm not going to be nostalgic but I'll miss this place. It's a small campus but the history and the architecture of the buildings make the school look so majestic. It's like going to a private and exclusive school.

I'm not really all too enthusiastic about moving to the city campus. It feels too open somehow. Too inclusive. Sure there's more variety when we're in the city. For example, we don't have to limit ourselves to the canteen food every day and there will be more bookshops to go to.

But I kind of like the whole exclusivity of it all. I know I haven't done well in school so far but everytime I step into the campus, I feel like I'm one of the rare few who can ever claim to be a student of this fast reputable school. It's like going into Harvard or Oxford!

It has been a long day. Two days in a row I was at the Children's Society helping them with the preparations to their regional conference. Everytime I'm there, I feel so appreciated because of my computer-literacy, I'm able to complete my tasks fast. Which is not much really. At the moment, I'm just working on their participants database.

And then, I have the Singapore Planned Parenthood Association, of which I'm the President of the Youth Committee. Personally, I don't think I'm cut out to be the president. I'm a perfectionist. I tend to end up doing a lot of things on my own and at my own time. Sure, I enjoy delegating but I enjoy control more.

We are in the process of recruiting more youths into the committee. Don't worry. You don't have to be sexually-active to be a member. Youths under 25 years old just have to pay $1 per year for membership. Other than the library (which offers free membership), I can't think of any other organisation which offers membership this cheap!

Besides getting the chance to go to some exotic South American country for a fully-paid youth forum, members get a chance to teach, facilitate, interact, organise events for youths. One of the programmes planned for this year is a study trip to some country which we have not decide.

We need more guys in the committee. Currently, there's only one guy and he's serving National Service. We would sure like some male point of views with regards to sexuality issues. Our visitors would like that too. We definitely don't want the committee to look like a mini-UNIFEM.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

Food Diary

Breakfast: 1 serving of egg mayo sandwich (white bread).
Lunch: 1 serving of white rice with assam fish and 3 servings of sliced raw cabbage.
Dinner: 1 serving of white rice with 3 servings of assorted vegetable dishes and 1 cup of coffee.
Supper: None.
Snack: 1 glass of ice lemon tea, 1 serving of durian ice-cream and 2 pieces of wadeh with fresh green chilli.
Cigarettes: 1 stick.

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Wednesday, April 27, 2005 @ 7:07 pm

Dear Blogger,

If I was given a choice of superpowers, I'd choose the power to read minds and control things with my mind. Telepathic and telekinetic. Two very powerful abilities. It's no secret that the mind is a very powerful organ. The great ones were always quoting "mind over matter". I think it's the greatest gift God has bestowed on us weak mortals.

Even before I've even heard of Jean Grey or Dr Xavier, there was Matilda. Matilda was a young girl forced to be independent even as a toddler because her parents were too busy for her and they didn't think much of her either. Matilda was too precocious for her age. I think that's something which her parents couldn't deal with.

One day, Matilda realised that she could move things with her young mind. She only realised this when her pent-up frustration reached boiling point one evening. She began to practise with her new-found talent. She often wondered why was she given this gift. Her only theory was that because her intelligence was not used to its fullest potential, her mind just developed this telekinetic ability.

Matilda was a favourite Roald Dahl character of mine. She was perhaps the first female I've ever looked up to. There were other fictional characters whom I admired. Sherlock Holmes, Hercule Poirot, Robin Hood, the Three Musketeers. Each for a different talent. Now I can add Gil Grissom to the list of favourite heroes.

If one day, I was given this gift, what will I discover? Will I finally know what people do think of me as a person? Will I finally know if they judge me as a Singaporean, a Muslim or a woman? But with so much truth, can I handle it? Jack was right of course. We can't handle the truth. We prefer to sleepwalk in our little fairyland instead of facing truth head on.

I'm starting a food diary because I think I'm consuming way too much these days. I don't know if it was because I'm at home most of the time or that I'm simply hungry. I don't remember eating this much when I was in school. Probably because I was miserable most of the time when I was in school. Who needs Atkins when you can have misery huh?

Sincerely,
modgurl

Food Diary

Breakfast: 1 serving of fried noodles.
Lunch: 1 serving of chicken rice.
Dinner: 1 serving of white rice with tofu soup and fried fish.
Supper: 1 1/2 pieces of plain prata.
Snack: 1 piece of menthol sweet, 1 slice of chocolate fudge cake, 3 mini-bars of Cadbury chocolates, 1 glass of chrysanthemum tea, 1 glass of Bacardi coke.
Cigarettes: 4 sticks

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Tuesday, April 26, 2005 @ 11:39 pm

Dear Blogger,

Sometimes I feel like my countrymen are not ready for me. Some of them think I'm too irresponsible. Some think I'm too selfish. There are many other negative adjectives used to describe me but I won't go through all of them. I think the regulars here would know and some of them are guilty of it.

I am opinionated, yes. I am stubborn, yes. I am honest, yes. But these are not crimes. I'm just being true to myself. Being true to oneself is not something which many people can subconsciously admit to. People generally are voyeurs. We enjoy being spectators of other people's lives but we enjoy more when criticising other people's lives.

We are what I call couch critics. We criticise a lot of things from the comfort of our couch. From the Idols to the news. It's so easy to comment on national tv how that particular singer sucks but we are not there on stage. I myself suffer from stage frights all the time. I've done everything I could do cure it, but I still feel the stiffness of my blood whenever I have to present something.

People say I'm fighting for a lost cause. Philip, a columnist I met at the Blue Bar a few weeks back, said it's my nature to do so. I'm an Aquarian. We are intelligent people whose only flaw is our humanitarian nature. We believe in things which others think are a waste of time and effort. I feel sad for these people.

I wish I could quit being me but I can't. I won't allow myself to. Who will I be if I quit being me? Who will I be if I'm not loud, honest, crazy, etc? I don't really mind if people remember me for the wrong reasons. At least I'm not forgotten.

My favourite hero, Maximus Decimus Meridius' words whisper in my head constantly. "What we do in life, echos in eternity." Unfortunately, he forgot to add that it's human nature for people to remember the black spot in our lives more despite the goodness we have done. I wish I wasn't so melancholic.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, April 25, 2005 @ 11:33 pm

Dear Blogger,

I hate this hot and sunny weather. I wished it would rain. It threatened to rain for awhile but not a drop has fallen. I hate feeling sticky all over even though I had just came out from the shower a few hours earlier. This weather makes lethargic. I feel like sleeping all the time! I wake up every morning with good intentions of accomplishing something but I never accomplished anything.

I know I should get out more. I'm not physically active enough. I should take up some sports but the weather these days is too damn hot to encourage me to do so. I can't even go swimming because I'll get all these horrible swimsuit lines "painted" on my body!

I was trying to organise a get-together for my youth project members for the last two weeks. I think I will be more successful training some animals for a show. I'm not organising anything fancy. Just a simple meal but that itself is bloody frustrating. It's not difficult really. I think the real problem is commitment.

This availability issue has been ping-ponging for quite awhile so I got everyone to indicate their availability on a schedule grid. I thought I had finally got most of us together based on the grid today but that fell through. Do you know why? Because people suddenly has last minute appointments.

Oh sure! I can do that too. I can put my name down on the attendance and when the time finally comes I can say, "Oops! Sorry guys. Last minute call." I know I'm not a champion when it comes to responsibility and commitment. I have done my fair share of MIAs. But seriously people! We are supposed to be a team! An efficient team even!

I was at some not-too-boring awards dinner last night. I was seated in between two couples, one of which I suspect was a le affaire. The rest of the guests at our table left to join their friends at another table. More food for us I guess. Until then, I never realised how tiring course meals can be. By the time the steamed garoupa came, I was stuffed.

Everyone else around me was a bore. Too old. Too ah beng. Too attached. Too married. The only bright spark was this artistic ocarina (some seashells) musician whom I thought was around my age or at least slightly older. He looked like a fresh graduate. I went up to him and congratulated him for winning an award. I said something stupid like "Would it be rude for me to say that I've not heard of you till now?" I don't know where I come up with these pick-up lines.

He seemed interested enough to ask for my number but I didn't have a name card. He gave me his instead. A few hours later, I SMS him my business card. I have not received a reply yet. Maybe I should just email him. A girlfriend thinks I just need a man in my life. Oh please! This guy looked too gay to be a man. But he's cool.

I went to Brix after that on my own. I thought the regulars would give sympathy looks or advice but they didn't. I was glad they didn't. In fact, we were just enjoying the latin music and making fun of one another. I was enjoying myself without having to drink anything except water. I couldn't drink anyway. My tummy's still recovering.

Brix on Sunday nights had always intimidated me because of the heavy salsa dancing on the dance floor. Singaporeans in nature are a bunch of show-offs. This isn't just my opinion. Some of my expat friends had commented on that too. According to them, back home in their country, people don't go to clubs or a party to be seen. They're there to simply have fun. But over here, people get on the dance floor to be seen. It's just so superficial.

Who am I to judge right? I couldn't dance to save my life. I'm contented to be a passive sitter by the bar smoking myself away to oblivion. It's not that I've not tried to learn how to dance. I've been trying to pick up salsa dancing for quite some time now but I guess I'm just tone deaf. I've a problem with coordination.

Ever since it's made known that I'm seriously single again, I am getting awfully paranoid about men, especially musicians. I really couldn't tell if these guys are just being nice or if they're hitting on me. The line is getting blurrer by the minute and I'm very sure it's not from my ciggie smoke.

I shouldn't be too hard on myself. I've gone through a lot. Honestly speaking, I haven't totally gotten over D. Hell! I have gotten over Din even! At this stage, I don't want any romantic entanglements. I'm not even bothered getting dressed up anymore. I'm comfortable in my pants, shirt and trainers. I even swagger instead of glide these days. I'm a tomboy again!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, April 22, 2005 @ 2:05 pm

Dear Blogger,

So this is how being drunk feels like? It's not a pleasant feeling. It feels a little like seasickness and I had to force myself to vomit to make myself feel better. I woke up with a heavy head but I could still remember every detail that happened last night. My tummy still feels sore and it's affecting my appetite.

It started with a cigarette. Then I felt like having a drink and some quiet space. It's one of those reflection feeling. I ended up at Le Chateau, Paulaner and finally Devil's Bar, all under 3 hours. I didn't start drinking till I was at Devil's. I was thirsty.

Devil's is not a place to reflect over cigarettes and alcohol. I'm not particularly fond of that place. The music is too loud and the band just doesn't do it for me. Let's not mention the service. It's embarrassing. Everytime I go there, the service just gets worse and worse.

We (my girlfriend and I) met a friend at Devil's and he bought us a jug of bourbon coke. Not a glass but a jug. At first sip, it tasted just of coke and I guess I was thirsty. So I drank half of the jug. I knew something was wrong when I couldn't smoke another cigarette but I didn't feel the effect until I was in the car.

My brother was gracious enough to fetch me home. He had to wait 3 hours for me and he knew what to do when I started throwing up on the road. It was really horrible and disgusting. All I wanted was for the world to swallow me up there and then.

Din was very angry with me. I don't know what went through my head when I told him that I was very drunk. He was scolding and shooting questions at me at all directions. It just showed that he cared. He's funny in that way. He hasn't sent any messages today so I guess he's still angry with me.

I was thinking about this website for awhile. I was thinking that one day, I'll stop blogging. Everything comes to an end. Nothing lasts forever. But today is not that day. Why should I stop blogging just because some people are affected by it? It is no different to any other medium. Better read from the source than hear rumours from unrealiable sources.

After reading my archives, I never realised how much I have grown and experienced. When I was living that life in that moment, it felt like it would never end. But time passes and it has been three years already. It's really quite unbelievable how much I have gone through in the past three years.

I felt immortal somehow. Reading about my life in black and white is a weird feeling. Sometimes I couldn't believe that it was me doing that at that time. Sometimes I asked myself, what was I thinking? But it is my life that I have been writing all these years. I don't think I would learnt about life this fast and this much if I didn't seal it in writing.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, April 20, 2005 @ 10:25 pm

Quesida Blogger,

It was another mundane Wednesday and what is a single, boyfriend-less geek girl got to do? Watch CSI of course. I rented Season 1 DVDs of CSI and I've not stopped watching since. The show started in 2000 so why wasn't I watching it then? What the hell was I doing in 2000???

Oh right! I was graduating from polytechnic. Then again, I was watching more telly then than I do now. So how the hell could I have missed this show??? Did I have a boyfriend then? No. Was I working then? No. Was I fooling around then? No. Oh man! What the hell happened in 2000?!

Anyway, it's better late than never right? I never thought I'd say this but Gil Grissom, a no-lifer, is really hot! He has a body that looks like somebody dad yet he's hot. It's definitely the intellect. It sure is not visual. I always have this thing for geeks. Not all geeks but some geeks like Steve Jobs.

But then we're talking about a TV show here. Even nerds look visually pleasing. Have you looked at the techs in the show? They look like they'd fit right in at the beach. How come I don't meet guys like these? Brains AND brawns! Maybe brawn isn't the right word to use. Anyway, the point is, guys like these are only fictional.

I have not answered my calls and I rarely answer my messages these days. I guess the mobile is really turning me off. Yet, I can't switch it off. It's one of those what-if situations you know. I can't switch the damn thing off because what if...

Sinceremente,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, April 19, 2005 @ 1:40 pm

Querida (Dear) Blogger,

What an emotional weekend! Well, not really emotional. I just wasn't expecting the response. I wasn't mentally prepared. So this is how people react when friends break up. Interesante (Interesting)! When Din and I broke up, I didn't experience all these because our friends remain separated. I hardly knew his friends and he hardly knew my friends.

Oh well... There's hardly anywhere I can go in this damn island without anyone recognising me as D's girlfriend, or God forbid, D's wife. I just have to live with it and make the best of the situation. Last I heard of him was that he suffered a back injury while playing some sports. Poor guy. Hope he gets well soon.

I went to the airport yesterday to fetch my aunt and uncle. They just came back from umrah, a mini Haj if you like. The airport's Terminal 2 is one of my favourite places in Singapore. I used to spend a lot of my youth time there. I'm just intrigued with the things that happen in an airport.

I used to dream of being a high-flier, going on business trips almost weekly and I would never get sick of travelling. It's odd though that I never once imagined myself to be any of the planes' flight attendants. I guess I never see myself in that kind of role.

As you can see, I'm peppering my writing with some espanol because yo hablo mal el espanol (I speak spanish badly), therefore, I have to practise. It's awfully difficult to learn a new language when I don't have any spanish-speaking buddies to chat with on a daily basis.

Yeah sure, I can start listening to spanish songs or watch spanish movies (I'm trying to get a hold of the "Motorcycle Diaries"), but I still need to practise conversing in spanish. I don't like to buy DVDs or VCDs because I tend to watch it only once. Where can I rent these movies? EZ Video? My fave online rental store isn't in business anymore. That's really sad.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, April 17, 2005 @ 3:32 am

Dear Blogger,

I went to the Blue Bar with a girlfriend last night. I wanted to go there because it has been awhile since I've been there. The acoustic trio still plays there. I wanted to chill out and I thought that was a good place to chill. Never did I expect the kind of response I would get.

The first thing the band asked me was, "Where's D?". I had to tell them that we're not together anymore. They seemed shocked about it. I didn't understand why they were shocked. I thought they knew that D and I were just fooling around. One of them even said that he thought I was his wife. That kind of made me sad.

I guess I can't blame them. They've only seen me with D and the way D and I had behaved then gave them the impression that we were seriously together. They tried to cheer me up but I wasn't sad when I came in. It has been more than two months! I've sort of forgotten him till these guys brought him up.

I guess I haven't really gotten over him. It's pointless for me to try to get over him totally. He will always be a part of me so fighting against it is futile. I was even sadder to know that he doesn't play in clubs anymore. I guess he was forced to quit the scene. I don't know if that's true.

I felt responsible for killing a part of his life somehow but then I realised that I shouldn't put the blame totally on me. It wouldn't be fair to me. I guess it's all about priorities and sacrifices. Sometimes, you have to sacrifice your happiness for the greater good. If that is love, then I hate love.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, April 16, 2005 @ 12:23 pm

Dear Blogger,

My exams are finally over. All throughout, Radiohead and sex kept popping into my head. Radiohead kept singing, "What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here." And what's with the sex??? Sex with Din, sex with D, sex with the guy sitting across me. It's crazy!

I really don't understand guys. I just want to be friends with them but where the hell did they get the idea that I want to be "more than friends" with them??? Seriously, if I want to do more, I'd be brutally honest about it!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, April 14, 2005 @ 4:44 pm

Dear Blogger,

The first paper this afternoon was alright but I'm not too confident about doing very well for it. The paper consisted of 87 multiple-choice questions. Why 87? I don't know. According to the paper, the marks are divided equally.

I finished the paper in 1 hour. I didn't want to sit through the full 2 hours because I wanted to move on to the other paper, Object Oriented Systems. I haven't really studied for it. I am sure going to flunk this paper. I've got several Cs and Ds already this semester. No As in sight at all!

I'm now at MacDonald's trying to study while I kill time till my tuition starts at 6pm. I have not heard MacDonald's this noisy before. It's ever noisier that the wet market! All because the neighbouhood secondary school kids were out of school already. I don't remember being this noisy when I was their age. Sure, I do hang with my classmates after class but we behaved like we should behave in a social public setting.

These, my friends, are the future of Singapore. I am worried. With all their fortunes, they should be more mature than these. Sadly, they're even more childish that I ever was! Is this the product of creativity-based education in school? If it is, I long for the disciplinarian role schools once had.

Here's a suggestion to the Ministry of Education. Include etiquette course in the schools' syllabus! We had that once during my time. People are not born with manners. They learn it. It used to be that parents are the primary educator for these soft skills. Now, parents brush their hands of them and assume that it's the teachers who should educated their youngs.

I pity teachers. They are wearing too many hats. No wonder kids these days are a terrible lot! How ironic that the ministry is spending so much taxpayers' money on attracting new teachers, yet, they're putting on more workload on these teachers' shoulders.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 12:16 am

Dear Blogger,

For a mere 3 hours, it felt like an eternity of pure bliss. For just 3 hours, the world as we knew it didn't exist. In our world, there was only Din and I, in love, like we used to. The soak in the bubble bath, the warmth of our bodies under the sheets, the affectionate stolen kisses while watching the telly... Those were precious 3 hours.

The sex was OK considering that I don't have any other lovers at the moment. Sex with him was the best until D came along. But I shouldn't compare. I shouldn't even think about it! Anyway, I sort of let slip to Din a few weeks ago that I thought I remembered him to be "bigger" before. I know I should never say that out loud, at least to his face, in the middle of love-making. It's a sex rule no-no.

Now back to reality. I couldn't say that I hate him. Nor could I say that I'm still in love with him. I guess I'm stuck in between. We have our on days and our off days. He's somewhere in between a buddy and fuck buddy but sometimes I get those two confused.

I used to only see him as the one I'm able to grow old with. I still do! But not in a domestic sort of way. I can't see myself marrying him now nor anyone else for that matter. But he is still the one I'm comfortable living to old age with. I don't know how to explain it. I don't think it's just the fact that he was my first love. I think it's more than that.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, April 13, 2005 @ 8:29 am

Dear Blogger,

It's naked day today. It's just liberating to just lie in bed or clean up my room or updating blogs in all my nakedness glory. It builds confidence too. If I can accept my body the way it is, then I can accept anything. Of course I still think that there's a lot of room for improvements like a flatter tummy or less gigantic thighs, but I think I'm more comfortable walking around in my room naked than most other women my age.

I feel that my breasts have grown a cup size bigger. I usually never notice them when I'm wearing t-shirts but lately, I can't help but look at them! And I must say that they're quite a sight! They just look... bouncier. I don't think it's the bras because I have not gone undergarment shopping in years. I still don't have a cleavage though. I can wear as low-cut as possible but you won't see a cleavage.

I went to the wet market at Geylang Serai yesterday with my mom. It was the first time in a decade since I've stepped into a wet market. I was like a fish out of water. People just looked at me as if they knew that I didn't belong there. I couldn't tell the difference between one fish to the next but it was fascinating. I have never seen such big fishes before.

It got me into thinking what if I have to cook, so where will I go to buy groceries? The supermarket or the wet market? The supermarket is cool (figuratively and literally) because everything is labelled but its stocks are not necessarily fresh. So what happens if I've to get fresh fish? How do I know which fish I've to get? How do I know that I'm not being ripped off?

Then I realised that there is no reason for me to cook at all because I'll never get married. So with no husband or family of my own to cook for, why bother? There's always someone else to cook for me, with a price of course. But I'll take it that I'm paying for the convenience. There's this misconception that just because I don't cook it means that I don't know how to cook. I think I can whip up a pretty mean curry. Everyone can cook! It's just a matter of if she wants to cook or not.

I read a Lonely Planet book about Buenos Aires. Did you know that Argentina, especially Buenos Aires, is a smokers' country? Everyone there smokes! Damn! I'd probably come back from Buenos Aires with lung cancer or something. Also, shopping is out of the question because it's pretty expensive there. It's recommended that I use US dollars instead of the Argentinian pesos. I only get US$60 if I convert S$100!

The Life section of the Straits Times these days has a daily horoscope and I always read it with amusement. My horoscope today says that I've always been capable of casting a romantic spell, even without trying, so I've to be careful when someone, a stranger perhaps, begin to just look at me in a peculiar way. Hmm... cast a romantic spell even without trying eh? Fascinating!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, April 12, 2005 @ 9:34 am

Dear Blogger,

I don't know why I bothered to meet him last night. I should have just stayed at home and study. Din never fails to leave me with swollen eyes. The bastard just left me in the car crying and I stayed there for hours. Even till now, he hasn't learnt that once he makes me upset, he just have to be patient and NOT leave me alone!

He said a normal person would just leave as soon as I got upset. Oh yeah? Well so far, a normal person has NOT left me as soon as I got upset! They've stayed and tried to calm me down. It's only you who didn't! So many chances I've given you, yet you still do stupid things to me.

He had promised to give me something for months now and whenever I asked about it, he just gave excuses like he forgot, he left it at work, he left it at home, he misplaced it, etc. And everytime, he apologised till he sorry doesn't mean anything anymore. You say you're sorry once, twice and at most three times. More than that and it's unforgivable.

I am not an unreasonable person. Really I'm not! I have often been accomodating, often at the expense of my own happiness. Why can't he do the same thing for me? I'm not asking him to give in all the time. I just want the same amount of dedication from him as I have given to him! What's so difficult???

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, April 11, 2005 @ 11:41 pm

Dear Blogger,

I went to JB this morning with my mother for some grocery shopping. Initially, she was going with her friend but I tagged along. Only God knows why. We waited more than half an hour for her friend to pick us up and when she finally did, I was already regretting about joining her.

It felt kind of weird being a passenger instead of the driver. Throughout that whole journey, I really missed driving. The only time when I don't feel uncomfortable not driving was when Din was with me. When he's around, I sort of relish being driven around. That's just one of the few ways that I considered him to be the man in this partnership.

I wanted to get some hard packs but it's difficult when I'm out shopping with my mother. It's even worse when she's the one paying for the shopping. I lost my spending power when I quit my job a year back. Power is something which I find hard to let go. I enjoy power. I love power.

Today is Monday. It's "Desperate Housewives" Day. I have unashamedly become a fan of this show. I didn't watch the first three episodes but I got hooked after the fourth. What was it about this show that makes it sinfully watchable? I think it's the voyeuristic appeal of watching perfect surbuban wives ruining their lives while doing their daily chores.

My favourite housewife is the one with the blazing red hair. I can't remember her name now because it's rarely mentioned. She's this perfect homemaker with perfect everything. Perfect hair, perfect body, perfect dress sense, perfect manners... Just perfect. How could anyone besides Monica Geller be so anal-retentive?

I have this secret desire to be like her. I want to be perfect like her. Perfection is something which I am constantly aiming for but I don't have the discipline to see it through. I'm not even a perfect failure. I have to run now. Din's waiting for me. But let him wait. I've waited longer for him.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 12:46 am

Dear Blogger,

I thought I had forgotten how to cry. I guess I haven't. I started crying again. I was suddenly overwhelmed with a feeling of loneliness. It's hard to believe that someone like me can ever feel lonely huh? I'm not really a sociable person you know. I'm actually quite an introvert. Again, hard to believe huh?

He will never find me, will he? It just seems so unfair that everyone I know has a some kind of a partner and I don't. I only have invisible partners who appear when I'm needed. It's never the other way around. Maybe the only one who I can rely on is... me! That's sad.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, April 10, 2005 @ 12:45 pm

Dear Blogger,

It's an awfully hot day today. Last week, it was dark, cold and wet. I like rainy days. It feels more romantic somehow, in a tragic way. I love driving in the rain. It's dangerous but it's exciting too. What can I say? I'm a romantic at heart.

I had a 4-hour supper last night with a girlfriend. According to her, it was her cheapest night out. Funny. I didn't feel like going somewhere fancy and the clubbing scene is tiring me out. His shadows still linger everytime I step into a club, especially one with a live band.

Anyway, it is always refreshing to be able to bitch about men in the company of a girlfriend, even if she is a lesbian. Even though we were introduced via a certain musician-who-should-not-be-named, I thought we were still OK. I was worried that it was going to be awkward but it didn't.

Din has been messaging me and calling me till it gets really annoying. He wants it but I'm not giving it to him. I'm not giving it to anyone right now. Too tired to get horny really. Or maybe, I'm just too excited about Argentina.

I've finally collected my passport and I must say that I looked so much better than my old passport. Chubbier cheeks but I looked friendlier somehow. I hoped I won't get stopped by the airport people over my passport photo. It has happened at immigration checkpoints before.

Din has this theory that sometimes when applications require a pair of coloured, passport-sized photos, they usually mean that these photos will be used for the viewing pleasure of the male staff. He gets awfully jealous when guys look at me, even now when I'm no longer his girlfriend. In his warped mind, I should be exclusively his.

Prince Charles and Camilla finally got married. Camilla was never popular and never will be popular with the Brits or even the world. Many people are still besotted with the late Diana. But there's a lesson to learn in all this. Prince Charles and Camilla have to some extend managed to make me believe that there is such a thing as true love after all.

Shakespeare was right when he wrote, "The course of true love never runs smooth". It's Midsummer Night's Dream by the way. These two not-so-photogenic lovers have persevered through all the controversies that I can't help but admire them for that. They've given me hope that I can be with my true love, even if he's married, if we just persevere.

For clarity sake, my true love isn't the musician-who-should-not-be-named. I don't know if it's Din though. Fuck it! My true love will come knocking at my door eventually, with a 24-carat diamond ring from Tiffany's.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, April 08, 2005 @ 2:30 pm

Dear Blogger,

I've finally finished the damn project! Well, I didn't actually finish it. There are some parts of it left to be desired but I'm really burnt out! I haven't slept or ate well. When I said ate well, I meant ate moderately. I kind of overdose on the eating.

Anyway, the due date is today and I'm throwing in the towel. This is when I should practise to let go. In just one week, I crammed my brain with MVCs, JSPs, HTML, Beans and what not. Foreign? Definitely! I'm not cut out to be a programmer. I'm just good at delegating tasks to others!

My exams are next week and I haven't gotten round to open the books yet. I have less than a week to revise 13 weeks worth of lecture, labs and exercises. It's crazy man! This whole week was spent pouring over ridiculously thick programming books just to complete that damn project, which of course, I didn't complete.

With practically no physical activity at all and an over-indulgence on eating, I think the weight that I've lost a few months ago have found its way back to my arse, thighs and tummy. I really need to work it out baby! I can't go to Argentina looking like a baby whale!

Since I've been holed up in my room for the past 4 or 5 days, my brother has been taking my baby out more frequently than before. My baby has evolved into a family car and that's sad really. I'm slowly losing my control over it.

It doesn't really matter. There aren't that many reasons for me to use it these days. It'll be worse when my school moves to the new campus in the city. The parking will kill me financially. Oh well, it's not like I've any excuse to drive out late at night now do I? I know, I know. He's almost forgotten. Seriously!

Not only am I getting fatter, I'm smoking more! I'm dangerously tiptoeing on the edge of addict-zone. I can't be an addict! I like my lungs clean thank you. Hmm... that's funny considering that I'm a casual smoker. Casual is such a misleading word. There are only two reasons why I smoke: 1. Boredom 2. Stress.

I'm going to collect my passport today and head off to work. When will I finally hit the books? I don't really know. All I know is, I'm brain dead. Won't it be nice if I could just fly off to some paradise island right now? Better still if my Prince Charming decides to indulge me by going on a shopping spree. Retail therapy is so therapeautic if and only if you don't have to worry about the financial consequences after that.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, April 04, 2005 @ 3:23 pm

Dear Blogger,

I'm spending hours and hours in the middle of the night trying to come up with a movie ticket booking system. It's one of my class project and it was supposed to be a group project. But there are only two persons in this group and I was considered the one with more programming knowledge. The other girl doesn't even know html so she's assigned to do the reports and stuff.

After seeing a group presented its system, I was really determined to produce a more decent one than what I have right now. The current system doesn't even work! I've been cracking my brain all night on how to retrieve data from one database to another. After awhile, I asked myself, what the hell am I doing in this class???

I like computing. I had my first taste of computers when I was 8 years old. The following year, I studied so hard to be top in school so that I could ask my dad to buy me a computer. I did get one. It was a 486 IBM-compatible computer with VGA monitor. The operating system used was MS-DOS. This was pretty advanced at that time.

I first stepped into Sim Lim Square, the mecca of tech geeks, when I was 9 years old. I remembered it being a very dingy place with very cold people. Look how it has changed! My dad and I went there without knowing what we want except a computer. I couldn't really understand what the salesman was trying to sell us but it included computing classes so I guess my dad bought that.

I was so thrilled when the computer guys came to set up the computer. I read the manuals from page to page, even the DOS book. I must say I didn't really understand what I read. For example, I didn't understand what "format" was, in the computing sense that is, until I practised it on my computer. Then, I realised it meant wiping out every file in your computer. Haha!

There wasn't much that I could do then because it was DOS, not Windows. There wasn't any applications installed in the system so I ended up practising DOS most of the time or playing arcade games in which you have to buy them in diskettes.

Then, I discovered BASIC. BASIC was the ancestor of programming languages like C or C++. I would go to the library and borrow books on BASIC programming. I did manage to programme some simple arcade shooting games. That was like I hit a jackpot or something.

After that, I sort of lost interest in computing. Probably because no one else I know had a computer so there wasn't much information-sharing there. Only when Windows became the MUST-have operating system in personal computers that I went back to computing.

Windows 95 was very cool then. It made computing so much more accessible and fun. Then came Windows 98 and XP, etc. Windows was not cool at all. It had more problems than solutions and what's with the paranoia of piracy? Bill Gates should be happy that people of all races and backgrounds are using his products, irregardless of the legalities of it all.

So anyway, now that I'm back at programming, I wonder how the hell has it become this complicated? I was a tech geek man! Now, I'm like so mainstream. I can't be mainstream! It's not me! Perhaps, it's the company I hang out with. I used to have tech buddies. We hanged at tech places during our free time. That was a lot of fun.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, April 02, 2005 @ 12:31 am

Dear Blogger,

It's 12.31am. I'm in my room. The house is dark. My sister was already asleep when I reached home from work. The boys are out I guess. I like it when it's like this. I like the peaceful silence. I am sorely in need of it. No screamings. No swearings. No cursings. No continuous lectures. It's just me and the silence.

Our family has never had a home. We have a roof over our heads but it was never a home. There's always some fightings going on. We hardly pull punches except for the boys but the fights that often occur are emotionally stressful. Physical fights are painful but you get over it quickly. But the fights that we have will take a long time to heal, it it even heal at all.

As I was growing up, I've learnt to shut out all the emotional abuse. I guess now that I've grown up, that jar of suppressed emotions just could not take anything in anymore and it cracked, spilling its contents like a flood. I know it's unhealthy to keep everything in but that wall of pretence which I've built has guarded me well for a long time.

I don't remember feeling this emotional then. The only time when I get moody was when I was about to have my menses! In fact, I think I had a better time then than now. You could argue that life was less complicated then but I am very sure it was because of the wall I've built.

Now that the wall has crumbled, I tried to build it again. I haven't been successful as every time I plastered a brick of the wall, ten other bricks crumbled. I will one day, be able to hide my feelings from public view. I will not cry nor get angry. I will always be laughing or smiling even though there are no reasons to. I will leave this place. I hate this place! I will seek for my utopia, where ever that is.

On a note which should make me excited for awhile is that I've been selected to attend an all-expenses paid trip to Buenos Aires in May for an international youth forum. The theme of the forum is "Development - is it for or against our sexual and reproductive rights?".

Since I am so into sex, which most people had mistakenly believe, why not do something good about it? Sexual and reproductive rights do not mean the right to have casual sex carelessly. It means the right for us to choose to do it or abstain from it without any feeling of discrimination or prejudice.

The only thing that's preventing me from going is my soon-to-be-expired passport. I have applied to renew my passport online but things are bound to go wrong. Perhaps the picture I've submitted will not be accepted. Perhaps I've insufficient funds in my bank account, thus disabling the immigration folks to deduct $50 from my account. Worse still, my passport will not be ready in time.

I pray that none of that will happen. I think going away from this wretched place will be good for me. Who knows what Argentina has in store for me? The love of my life perhaps?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, April 01, 2005 @ 12:54 am

Dear Blogger,

I was crying at the playground again. The whole night I just wanted to scream at everyone to just shut up! My brain was almost bursting with anger and frutration. I really wanted to scream but I had no voice!

SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

In everyone's eyes, I'm everything but a good person. Everywhere I turn, people are condemning me for my mistakes. Not once did they look at the rights I've made. It's always the wrongs in their eyes.

"Learn from mistakes..." "Be aware of your own mistakes..." "Listen to others..."

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

Do these people know what it's like to be me? Before anyone could point out my mistakes, I was aware of them first. I am a very critical person and there is no one who is more critical of me than me. That is why I bloody write about them here!

If you don't approve of what I do, then don't bloody read my blogs. Don't bloody bother to write me a long email about it. Don't bloody post your comments on my tagboard. Don't bloody do anything!

I am so sick of you lot! Not one tries to understand what I'm going through. Not one! My family is fucked up. My friends are fucked up. Fuck you!!!

I WANT TO LEAVE! I HAVE TO LEAVE! I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! I WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH!!!!

I can't stand it anymore. I am beaten from all directions. I am so badly battered already. I just don't have the will to fight anymore. All of you have killed me.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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