modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Thursday, March 31, 2005 @ 12:44 am

Dear Blogger,

Sometimes when I'm down and out, all I'm asking for is understanding and acknowledgement of my feelings. A listening ear would be wonderful. A shoulder to cry on is a bonus. I don't get all these. What I do get is "advice" or comments I have already known or heard millions of times.

EQ is not for everyone. It is not something that a person is born with. Just like leadership, EQ has to be nurtured. Sadly, none of the people I know, not least the people who matters, have any decent amount of EQ in them.

Just because someone is quiet, it doesn't mean she is aloof. Just because someone is independent, it doesn't mean she is stubborn. Just because someone looks capable, it doesn't mean that she always is. It's a cliche, but I am often misunderstood.

I can't blame friends or acquaintances for misunderstanding me. Most don't know me long enough to know me well enough. But it really hurts when your own flesh and blood does not even bother to try to understand what I am going through.

A case in hand happened just last Monday. My mother just bought my useless of a brother a car. All because I refused to lend him my car. Why do you think I refused to lend him my car? Firstly, he dented the side door without even telling me. Secondly, he did not even top-up the petrol after using my car. Thirdly, he already has a bike which was paid for by my parents of course.

You may think it's just one of those sibling jealousies. It's not just about the car. It's the whole principle of it! I worked hard for my baby! I shed blood and tears for my baby! So why should he have it easy? I am not even going to cry out the injustice of it all.

My brothers have had it easy for them. Their clothes are washed and folded. Their rooms are cleaned. They get allowances even though they are not in school anymore. They even get petrol money for their bikes! Their bikes were even bought and maintained by my parents! My dad just renewed their insurance by the way.

When I first got my license, there was no hoorah or even a congratulatory note. My parents didn't show the littlest amount of interest at all even though I had let my intentions known that I would like to own a car. Didn't matter how cheap and miserable it looked, I just wanted a car.

My dad just brushed it off and instead, told me that I should spend whatever riches I have on going back to school. So now that I'm back in school, what does he call me? Useless! He didn't even have to fork out any tuition fees or buy me textbooks, yet I'm useless.

Do you know what his problem his? It's the fact that I am a girl instead of a boy. He thinks that my intellect and capabilities are wasted because I'm a girl. He would have prefered a son instead a daughter. I am not making this up. He has told me this many times since I was a toddler.

He doesn't know how much his words have hurt me. My counsellor was right. Inside this strong, confident exterior lies a girl with very low self-esteem. No matter how successful I am, I will never be good enough because I'm just a girl.

I can't help it that I've learnt to be independent from a very young age. The situation had developed me into such. I've learnt to make my own decisions, to source for my own needs and to live my own dreams. If by doing so, it has made people see me as aloof or a bitch, then too bad for them.

My extended family has done nothing but insulted because of my gender. When I wanted to study overseas for my bachelors, I was told that money would be wasted on me because I will eventually "end up in the kitchen". That remark had fuelled my desire to prove myself and sealed my hatred for my family.

I was in tears that Monday night. I was so upset that I finished a hard pack of ciggies in just a few hours. I was crying at the playground in the middle of the night. I was hoping that someone would come up to me and asked if I was alright. Nobody came up.

I wanted to just talk to someone but my friends being who they are, they just don't know what to do. They best avoid the situation. Din was working as usual. Even when he messaged me, there was no ounce of tender, loving, care in his words.

I called D. I know I shouldn't but at times like this, I just couldn't care less. He didn't answer my calls. I called him repeatedly but he eventually switched off his phone. That was another stab to my heart. It wasn't enough that he drove a stake to my heart previously. He had to shred it into pieces.

It took me a few days to come to grips with it. I pulled out my mobile phone and deleted all his messages of deceitful, loving words. It was difficult in the beginning but by switching off his phone in my time of need is not only insensitive of him, it was also the last straw.

Goodbye D or shall I say, goodbye Rizal Bin Sanip. You were right. All men are bastards.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Sunday, March 27, 2005 @ 11:49 am

Dear Blogger,

Another night out with the girls at Hard Rock Cafe. It was a complete waste of time but thankfully, it was free entry for ladies. I just stayed at the bar and tried to chit chat with the bartender. The drinks were better though as compared to last Saturday night. It's always a good idea to get to know the bartender. The service tends to improve ten times over.

Half an hour later, I went to the Blues Tavern just down the street with one of my girlfriends. She's just getting over a divorce and she was keen to socialise again. I didn't think bringing her to HRC was a good idea because firstly, it's definitely not her scene and secondly, it's not really a place to socialise.

I was hoping that the Blues Tavern would give her that opportunity and something for me as well but it was disappointing. There were just some tourists playing pool and the band members and their mates. Of course I wasn't expecting much but I had at least expected to have a decent conversation with a stranger. The guitarist and singer wasn't technically a stranger so he didn't count.

By 1am, my phone was ringing non-stop. Din was expecting me you see. Why the hell did I even consider to meet him last night was beyond me. I've asked him the whole week for his off days and he didn't reply. So now that I've made plans with the girls, he wanted to be with me.

Being the eager-to-please person that I am, I tried to compromise. Sometimes being a nice person is a curse. I left the clubbing scene at 1.30am. The girls wanted to go home too. It wasn't a fun night I guess. Actually I wanted to go to the Blue Bar and chill but the girls don't go for that kind of stuff. I miss D terribly. Anyway, I sent the girls home. Yes, another nice gesture from me.

I met Din at 2am, an hour late. He tried not to look pissed because I think he didn't want to ruin the night. It was a matter of take it as it is. Again, I felt that something was missing between us. He was trying hard to patch that broken bridge but I just didn't feel... "patched".

Then I tried to feel lust. I just couldn't feel it! At one time, all he had to do was crack a joke and I'd be all over him in a second. Now, he really has to work doubly hard just to start my engine. It was like trying to make out with a guy who has never made out before! I should feel flattered actually but I felt sad. What happened to the guy I was once so madly in love with?

Maybe that love has turned into an unconditional, motherly kind of love. We hardly see each other and even when we do see each other, it's only for a few hours. This isn't a relationship that I was craving for. I want to be worshipped like a goddess. Selfish I know, but the quality of love I give deserves that kind of response. I'd bleed for love!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Saturday, March 26, 2005 @ 3:13 am

Dear Blogger,

I watched Hitch earlier with a friend. An old friend. An old friend who is really not into me other than just being a friend. Anyway, I watched Hitch. I believe I've mentioned this before, but I seriously think that the Brits do a better romantic comedy than Hollywood.

Sure Will Smith is so charming than he could melt my icy walls anytime but after awhile, he isn't really that good to look at. Also, his charm tend to border on the edge of annoyance sometimes. How about Eva Mendes? She's OK but I didn't really find myself attracted to her.

Again, like most romantic comedies, the premise is simple. Guy meets girl, guy likes girl but girl's a bitch, girl then likes guy, girl did something stupid to guy, girl tried to make things up, guy's ego get in the way, guy then feels stupid, guy apologises, guy and girl makes up and makes out.

I think what the movie was trying to sell to suckers like us is that there's hope for everyone who is looking for love. The movie producers tend to forget that it's just a bloody movie and nobody in real life would ever wake up one morning in the arms of Will Smith.

But I do agree with one thing about the movie. Love is hard work. I was ashamed to admit that I was a little inspired to catch my dream man. Yes. Catch. But I'm really not into hard work. My dream man is probably married with kids already.

I saw him tonight you know. I saw D at Historia. I didn't actually go to Historia. I was at the junction waiting for the green light. I saw him sitting near the entrance of the bar. At one point, I thought he could see me too because he was looking at my direction but that was not possible. He is as myopic as I am.

I really should stop this. It's bordering on obsession. I should focus my energy on someone whom I can live to old age with. I kept telling myself that he is not worth it. Sometimes, I even told myself that his wife doesn't deserve him too. She's better than that. The things I do to myself to keep me sane.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Thursday, March 24, 2005 @ 9:01 pm

Dear Blogger,

I'm troubled again. What am I saying? I am ALWAYS troubled! I am TROUBLE itself. Sometimes I hate myself so much that I think God has been too kind in letting me wake up every morning. I should have died a long time ago. I think there is nothing worse than being a restless spirit wandering between heaven and earth.

I think all restless spirits are troubled souls. They have either taken their lives themselves or their lives were stolen. I feel for them. I wonder why were they troubled? Did they have the same problems as I do? How did they manage to find the discipline to go through it all? I can never finish a job.

It's funny how when I'm in need of support, those that matter are not there for me. Am I such a horrible person that I have to cry out for attention often when I'm vulnerable? Is it so difficult for people to be more understanding, to be more forthcoming, to be so... loving?

My father thinks I'm useless and hopeless. He thinks I'm just a bum wasting his resources. Perhaps he is right. I am a hopeless case. What am I doing all these for? Why did I even go through with it? Why did I quit my job? Why did I go back to school? Why did I buy that bloody car? Why was I so careless when driving home on that night 2 years ago? Why did I have pre-marital sex? Why did I abort my baby?

WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!

I tried you know. I am trying my very best. Every morning, I had to coax myself out of bed. I had to tell myself everyday...

"It's ok girl. You will do just fine. All you need to do is to take one small step at a time. You can start by getting yourself out of bed."

"I can't do it. I'm just too tired."

"Of course you can do it! You're a strong person! You're stronger than anyone you have ever met! You have to believe that!"

"I'm not strong. I only pretended to be strong at first. I'm weak. I've lost hope."

"You can get out of this black hole. I am here for you. Don't care about the others! You will always have me. Come on now girl! Please get up."

"I don't want to get up! I'm nothing but trouble! I've caused too much damage. I've hurt too many people. They hate me. I don't blame them. I hate myself now."

"Please don't say that. What about the good you have done for others? You were always there for them when they needed you. How many times have you sacrificed your time and energy for them? And you didn't even ask for anything in return. Please get up."

I'm such a fucked up person. I can't get out of this mess. I've lost hope. I've lost everything. You can say that you understand what I'm going through but do you really? Even if you truly do, what can you do about it? You can't even be a friend. You don't even know what being a friend means. I am so disappointed with myself. I am even more disappointed with you.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 @ 1:02 am

Dear Blogger,

I decided early in the morning that I should go to Harry's after tuition. I can't really remember what the reason was but I was sure it had something to do with D. Oh no wait! I wanted to go there to sell some HopeJam tickets. I managed to sell one. The pianist was really sweet. He couldn't go to the concert but he bought a ticket anyway.

As soon as I stepped into Harry's, I heard D called my name but I ignored him. I went straight to the pianist because I knew I could rely on him. I really didn't want to get the chance to have to talk to D. He doesn't deserve it. I guess he knew it so he didn't bother to come up to me after that. It didn't matter.

After an hour there, I realised I didn't really miss him that much. I caught him glancing at my direction once in awhile but that was just because I was chatting up this cute German guy at the bar. But so what? I'm not his anymore. I was never his.

On the second break, I walked up to his friends and continued to try to sell the tickets. He was there so he tried to be friendly again. I just became colder and more sarcastic after which I felt bad about it. After some awkward silence, I asked him how he was. He smiled and I could tell that he was relieved that I wasn't as cold-hearted as I ought to be.

I had to leave then. I knew that if I had stayed longer, I would not be able to hold my composure. I couldn't let him do that to me. I said goodbye to the German guy. I said goodbye to the pianist. I left while they were starting on the last set. I had to leave with whatever left of my respectability intact. I guess that's that then.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Monday, March 21, 2005 @ 5:40 pm

Dear Blogger,

Sometimes a spontaneous act will change your life forever. Or maybe not. Last Saturday, after a horrible morning in school for a photo shoot of the musical, I decided to be tagged along by some girls whom I hardly know to Hard Rock Cafe.

I think any decent, snobbish girl would not be caught dead at Hard Rock Cafe on a weekend night but I tag along nevertheless. It wasn't like I didn't have anything else to do. I have a test and presentation on Monday and I haven't prepared myself. But I thought I deserved to have a drink and ciggies. I haven't had any of those for over a month!

I had two glasses of the housepour spirits in less than an hour. It wasn't like I was thirsty for drinks but spirits at Hard Rock Cafe were damn bland! It tasted more like water. I don't know if it was because of Ladies' Night or had it always been like that.

The R&B was OK but the crowd was too young and showy for me. I was getting bored and I thought why not entertain myself by chatting up some guys? So I scanned the room for possible preys and I found one. I made sure that he wasn't with someone. We don't want any jealous woman around do we?

I said hi and he responded. We chatted for awhile and I was surprised at how easy it was to pick up guys. He's a Thai-American and his in the army. A bit small-sized to be in the army but like most Asian American guys, he was kind of cute. I found out that he had learnt the art of massages a while back so I told him of my bad back. He offered to massage it for me there and hell, why not?

It was really good! He complimented on my lovely neck and D's image just popped into my mind. Damn him! Anyway, I asked him if he wanted to hop over to Devil's Bar instead. My friend was there trying to hit on girls as usual. The scene at Hard Rock Cafe was really getting into my nerves.

At Devil's Bar, he bought me some drinks but strangely, I wasn't high at all. What was wrong with the alcohol quality at these clubs??? Anyway, it was much more fun at Devil's. The crowd is a little too chinese for me but it's cool. There were much more prettier ladies here than at the other club.

After some fooling around in the club, I offered to send him to his hotel. It was getting late anyway. But for some odd reason, I didn't leave him until 8 in the morning! We didn't do much but just chat and watch football on the telly. The hotel didn't have cable. Bummer!

He helped to relieve my back pain while we were watching telly. It was sure good stuff! It was like having my own personal masseuse! He seemed to love my neck because he kept rubbing his fingers there. What is it with my neck? I mean yeah, I do have fetish for necks too but I don't think I have a neck that's worth sinking my teeth into.

I left the hotel with hickeys which I only realised half a day later. I still can't believe I've gone out in broad daylight with hickeys which I didn't even realise. After looking at them, I think even a blind man can see them. I really should invest on turtlenecks. Are there cures for hickeys?

Now here's a sudden thought! What the hell am I going to do if Din wants to meet again this week?! Should I care even? Quick! I need cures for hickeys!

By the way, I deserve to fail my modules this semester and I credit my failure to the men who showered their undying love to me. Wish they're dead now.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Saturday, March 19, 2005 @ 4:12 am

Dear Blogger,

I had wanted to write so much but now that I'm finally on this screen, I can't seem to write anything. I wanted to write about my time spent with Din. It was good for awhile but now, I feel empty. I just couldn't stop wishing that it was D with me instead of Din. Everytime I closed my eyes, I was hoping that when I opened them, my wish would come true. Wishes don't come true in reality.

Din and I, we're gone. I didn't feel any love nor sexual chemistry between us. If I could feel that, why didn't he? It was as if he was determined to believe that we could still love each other like we used to. Even at that brief moment when I cheated myself into feeling some lust for him, it wasn't him whom I lust for. It was lust for someone else. That was why I kept my eyes closed most of the time.

We didn't have sex. I just couldn't do it. D made me feel like I was the greatest lover of his life. Din made me feel empty. I really shouldn't make comparisons. D is a pro. Din is still learning. Now not only am I loveless, I'm sexually unsatisfied too.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Friday, March 18, 2005 @ 4:33 pm

Dear Blogger,

I finally watched Wimbledon. The damn DVD has been on the rack for months and now I've finally watched it. My verdict: I love it! Nobody makes feel-good, inspiring romantic comedies like the Brits do. Except Notting Hill. I don't quite like that one. Julia Roberts mega-star status just spoiled it all. Too much of her.

Wimbledon is more down to earth and more achievable I think. No big stars. Kirsten Dunst and Paul Bettany are very likeable actors. Simple story. That's what I like about it. I think romantic comedies should be simple and the two main characters must have chemistry. Romantic comedies won't work without chemistry.

Now why can't I meet someone like Paul Bettany in person? He's goofy but he's adorably smart goofy. Unlike Hugh Grant, he has that bit of intelligence and wit about him. Two qualities which I find oh so irresistable. It's very rare that you'd meet a Singaporean guy like that. If you did meet him, he's most probably taken.

I think guys like Paul Bettany only go for intelligent and beautiful women. Just look at who he's married to! Jennifer Connelly. She graduated from Harvard (or Yale?), she has a Best Supporting Actress oscar and she's in the People's top 50 most beautiful women list every year.

Am I selling myself short? Where do these guys hang out? They're not in the libraries. They're not in arty farty events. They are definitely not online. I'm not asking for good looks. I'm just asking for wit and humour and at least 1.8m tall. Ok, make it 1.78m tall. Oh! He must have a decent-paying and stable job. That's not asking for much is it? Oh Paul... where the hell are you?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

@ 8:16 am

Dear Blogger,

I woke up early today because I couldn't sleep anymore and because I had to get this report over and done with. It had been lying idly in my notebook for the last week. I finally completed it, sloppy as always, and sent it off.

I did something stupid last night. I called D. I didn't mean to! Honest! My fingers just dialled his number automatically! He didn't answer of course. I don't know if it was because he was playing or was he seriously ignoring me. He didn't return my call either. I guess it was the second reason.

I kept telling myself that he's not into me anymore. I just don't understand it. It is said that women move on after a failed relationship faster than men. Am I not a woman? OK. So I am a young woman. Still??? Then I wished I could say that he was just a rebound. Afterall, I am still getting over Din. This is getting complicated.

7 Post-Breakup Pick-Me-Up Tips
by Sherry Amatenstein (iVillage.com)

It's been months since your breakup and your heart's still in a million pieces? You're finding it difficult to eat (or stop eating), sleep, work or think about anything except "How could he leave ... what's wrong with me?" If this pathetic picture nails you to a lovesick T, here's advice for checking out of Heartbreak Hotel.

1. Let it out, then let it go. Vent, cry, tell your friends for the 15th time how he worshipped the adorable curl of your upper lip. If you don't let your emotions out, they'll fester inside, and so will the louse's memory. So allow yourself one last good wallow. Then stop. Need some affection? Get a substitute object to cuddle. A cute puppy can go a long way toward helping you forget a guy who was a dog.

No puppies for me. I have teddy bears left and right. Works sometimes but nothing beats a real hug from someone you love. I DO let me emotions out don't I? Too freely sometimes.

2. Retrain your heart. You will truly forget your ex once you can literally see him in a new, hunk-free light. It's called creative visualization -- imagining scenes that you want to happen. Close your eyes and remember negative images, like when he had food dribbling off his chin. Racked with rage at his callous behavior? In your mind's eye (only in your mind's eye) make him walk the plank. That should harmlessly blast away those energy-sapping, venomous emotions.

I am visualising him snipping his penis off with a blunt knife and feeding it to the rabid dogs. On other days, I visualise him stabbing his heart with his own drumsticks. Occassionally, I visualise his wife taking his kids away and leaving him for good. Damn! I'd rather be brutal than be heartless.

3. Write a relationship profit-and-loss statement. The end of a romance provides a wonderful time to learn about yourself. Look at your assets. For example, the ability to really be there for someone in a crunch. Examine the minuses -- perhaps you were too trusting of someone who hadn't earned it. The bottom line: Analyze what was right and wrong about your old relationship. It will help you forge a much stronger new one.

Oh really? What was wrong was that he was oops IS married! And I fell for it hook, stinker and line.

4. Form a Saturday night club. Weekends are tough for the newly single. Start calling friends early in the week to make plans for the weekend. Have a standing Saturday night date movie or inline skating date. For the volunteer-minded, Saturday night can be a great time to work at a soup kitchen or crisis hotline. And you'll meet others with big hearts and giving spirits.

Friends are either busy with work, school or their own partners. Volunteering is done in the weekdays and the people I've met while volunteering are school kids, women and men who are already attached.

5. Meet a fascinating woman: yourself. Do the things you've been dying to try or that you'd put on hold because he disapproved of them. Enroll in that acting class, research a new career, take that trip.

Will take up that Class 2B license. Once I have the financial backing.

6. Beware the rebound hurdle. Just when you thought it was safe to go out with mascara on (no chance of tearstreaks), wham! You're back in love. But try to see this new man for who he is, not as a cure-all. It's like applying balm to a chapped heart -- temporarily soothing, but you don't cure lovesickness by replacing the love object. You've got to really be over your ex before you move on. Which brings us to ...

Haven't met any men (or women) so how to have rebound???

7. Close the door. Don't fall into yo-yo love. Let it be over. If he keeps calling to say you should give it one more chance, or that he has someone new but wants to stay friends, don't bite. Cut him loose and celebrate the new, improved, I won't-settle-for-anything-less-than-a-great-guy you.

Oh man! He doesn't even answer my calls! I think this applies to Din more.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Thursday, March 17, 2005 @ 6:22 pm

Dear Blogger,

Caught CSI on AXN in the afternoon. Didn't mean to watch telly but it was calling out to me. Anyway, I like CSI. Why haven't I met people like that? They look like they really love their work and I'm really attracted to their motivation, whatever that is. They look like they're working AND playing at work.

I want to be like that. If only I can find my motivation. Or maybe if I have a friend like Grissom, I'll achieve that. Who am I kidding? The police force here is a joke. I don't want to get involved with another workaholic. I'm a high maintenance young woman! I need constant attention and affection!

I really don't know what is wrong with me. I have all these achievable plans and dreams but with the way my life is going, I don't think I'll ever achieve them. Yeah yeah yeah. It's easy for you to say "Get over it!". But you're not in my shoes are you? You don't know how I'm struggling to overcome this. Everyday, it's like there's two sides of me battling against each other.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

@ 10:54 am

Dear Blogger,

I can't do it. I CAN'T do it! I can't snap myself out of this! I CAN'T! I CAN'T! I CAN'T!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Wednesday, March 16, 2005 @ 10:18 pm

Dear Blogger,

I carved the word "stupid" twice on my forearm earlier at tuition. I just took my mechanical pencil and slowly carve out the word. I didn't feel pain at all. The words appear red and fresh on my fair skin now. Maybe I carved them to remind myself of my stupidity.

I hate you D! I hate you Din! I HATE ALL OF YOU!!! I tried and tried to forget you. I kept myself busy by volunteering in causes which I don't even believe in. I've even accepted the fact that I will feel hurt for awhile. FOR AWHILE! I've even went for counselling!

Yet, you guys still keep creeping into my thoughts and my dreams! You guys still manage to hurt me when I thought I could not feel any pain anymore! What the hell did I do to you bastards?! I didn't come looking for you! You came looking for me! So why the fuck am I bearing all these pain when you motherfuckers are out there living as if I don't exist?!

I'm just a play thing to you aren't I? I'm like this broken doll you can just toss away after you've done playing with me. I hate you God! I hate You for letting me continue to suffer like this! I WANT MY LIFE BACK! I WANT MY CHILD BACK!

One day, when I'm finally gone, you lot will feel how I'm feeling today. I swear to God.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

@ 5:14 pm

Dear Blogger,

I started my day well. I started on a long overdue report. I had done comprehensive research on it. I had started writing. Then, as soon as it had started, I just lost it. I lost my train of thought and I couldn't find it again.

I thought maybe I needed food. So I ate, and ate, and ate, and ate. I just kept eating any food I see! Then I thought, maybe I needed inspiration. So I sat in front of the telly and I stayed there for hours. When I finally found the strength to drag myself up from the couch, I still couldn't continue with the report.

I surfed the Internet looking for my lost inspiration. I found strawberries. As you can see, the strawberries look yummy don't they? I love strawberries, especially with cream. But we don't have strawberries and cream here. The strawberries sold in the supermarket don't even look appetising.

Since I like strawberries, I thought maybe I could add pictures of things I like as well. So there's a baby and teddy bears. I love babies. I love teddy bears too. I thought by having these pictures in the site, it might cheer me up a little or hopefully, inspire me.

I still don't. I feel fat and ugly. I feel disillusioned. I feel grotesque! I hate myself! Nothing I do these days seem right! Everything I do somehow or rather gets me into trouble! What is wrong with me?! What is happening to me?!

I want to throw up but it won't come out. I want to rip my heart out but my skin's too thick. I want to bang my head against the wall but I'm too dizzy to even move. What am I to do? This is like slow death! I tried calling for help. I did go for therapies. It's not working!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Tuesday, March 15, 2005 @ 10:03 pm

Dear Blogger,

I miss sex. I miss the liberating feeling of being myself, unguarded and without a mask. I miss stripping my clothes and his clothes. I miss the teasings. I miss the intensity. I miss the orgasms. I miss blowing his mind. I really miss sex!

I am angry with everything that has happened. I am angry with God. I am angry with Din. I am angry with D. I am angry with D's wife. I am angry with my friends. I am angry with school. I am angry with my parents. Everything!

Where's my bloody happiness?! Why do I still feel miserable?!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Monday, March 14, 2005 @ 6:48 pm

Dear Blogger,

What have I done to deserve this? Am I that hated? Why do this to me?

I just found out that someone has posted my Yahoo profile on an adult website. Not only that, he used my email account to reply to these men! That's not the worst. The worst is that he gave out MY contact number! WHY?!!!

I'm still getting calls and smses from strange horny men. I've not replied my calls and smses since yesterday. I went to the police station earlier to lodge a report. I don't know how that will help but I felt a little better knowing that I've told my case to the police.

Whoever did this to me had better be someone I don't fucking know. If he is someone I know, he better wish he hasn't crossed my path. I'll make him rot in jail!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Sunday, March 13, 2005 @ 12:23 pm

Dear Blogger,

Which Zodiac Sign Would You Be Most Compatible With?


Gemini
You would probably be most compatible with a Gemini! Sigh... D is a Gemini.

What does your birth month reveal about you?

January
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking andproductive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very Stubborn and money cautious.

Sounds like me.


back to top

@ 11:14 am

Dear Blogger,

The big project is finally over. "Get Real... Be Smart" Day Event for Youths. I've forgotten what that was supposed to mean. It was supposed to be about sexuality issues but I don't think anybody learnt anything. It was more like a fun day actually.

It started off well until the students arrived. Firstly, not only did they arrive late, they were also hesitant to participate. The girls especially got onto my nerves and eventually the nerves of their facilatators too. Some facilitators were not cooperative either. But who am I to expect perfection? I'm just thankful that there were volunteers to help out.

The ice finally broke one and a half hours later. It ran into the other programmes but somehow miraculously, we managed to do all the activities in the time allocated. My team and I were running around the campus trying to make sure everything run as smoothly as possible. Thank god for walkie talkies!

There were many hiccups but I think everything turned out well. It wasn't perfect but it was the best that we could do. There shouldn't be any regrets. Then why do I feel sad? Why do I feel like there's something missing in my life? Why do I feel disappointed?

Some of the girls brought their boyfriends to help them. Young romance is sure is lovely isn't it? I asked both Din and D to help me in the event. D of course couldn't. He wouldn't even talk to me anymore. Din, well... What can I say about him? He said he'd help out but as always, he stood me up.

I should have gotten over them by now right? Then why do they still affect me? I still cry over them consciously or subconsciously. It's easy for someone else to say "Get over it!". Do you think I want to cry over them??? I know I'm better than that. Or am I fooling myself trying to believe that? My counsellor said that some people with low self-esteem hide themselves with a cover of confidence. Maybe I'm one of those people.

In Cleo magazine this month, there's an article about the "other woman". Why are some women attracted to men who are not available? A psychologist explained that perhaps it is not the man who is commitment phobe. It's probably the woman herself who is not ready for a commitment. So getting involved with an attached man is an attractive option.

But what stuck in my dumb head is a quote from a woman, "Why should I be treated as second best just because she came in earlier?". I feel for this woman. I was only 13 when D met the mrs. Why should I be penalised for that? Who ever said that the right one comes to you single and unattached?

I am hurt. How do I describe my pain? This is not something I've just felt. I've been hurt for a very long time. Too long. Will I forever be the "other woman"? Or will I walk alone till my last breathe? I will never find him, will I?

"I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find a reason why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place."

I just came back from my doctor's. He gave me more Xanax and a new muscle relaxants. All he could say was, "stress management is very important". Sigh... men. They always want to fix everything but they don't know how. I'm still crying. I don't know when it will stop. I want to quit everything.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Friday, March 11, 2005 @ 7:23 am

Dear Blogger,

My car insurance is not renewing my policy because of "claims history". I can't afford to get a new insurance. Anyone has $3000 to spare??? My road tax is due today. I can't renew my road tax without a valid insurance. Apparently, these two go together. I only knew it today. What does this mambo jumbo mean? It means that I am going to lose my baby again!

I've lost my child. I've lost my boyfriend. I've lost D. And now, I'm losing my baby. WHAT ELSE??? My faith? My family? My friends? My sanity?

Do you know what's worse than knowing that I'll lose my baby? I was crying. Everyone who mattered had pretended that nothing was wrong! I was in tears when I reached home. Usually, I'd clean myself up first before stepping into the house. I couldn't control it this time. Tears just kept flowing and I was sobbing non-stop, loudly.

I tried to act normal. Even went to kitchen to have dinner. But the tears won't stop flowing! My parents pretended not to notice. I know what they were thinking; "She'll get over it. She's strong." My parents. My very own parents. I KNOW ALL THAT!!! I am CRYING! I don't want you to tell me what to do. I want you to acknowledge my pain! I am NOT supergirl! I am bloody HUMAN! I FEEL TOO!!!

Then on automatic, I called D. I shouldn't but it was automatic. He was cold. He was very cold. His coldness pierced so deep into my heart that instead of hating him, I hate myself more. How could I be so stupid? How could I have fooled myself into thinking that he actually loved me?

I'm a joke. Marriage's a joke. Love IS a joke. I feel nothing for love. I'm feeling undescribable pain now. I give and give and I receive so little in return. What's the point of living when I've no love? I've no will. I don't even want to save my baby anymore. I have given up. I have lost.

Sincerly,
modgurl.

back to top

Wednesday, March 09, 2005 @ 10:05 pm

Dear Blogger,

I thought my tears had dried up. But guess what? After 3 days of false self-assurance, I cried again. I was overcome by this overwhelming sense of loneliness. Sometimes, people wonder, why do I feel lonely. Afterall, I have friends. I have family. They just don't understand. They don't know what it feels like to be in black box.

On a positive note, the youth camp that my group and I are organising had attracted about 160 students as of yesterday. That's a very big turnout for a virgin event. We have never organised anything this big. I don't think we have organised anything at all. It's a very fortunate thing that we managed to get sponsors, in the last minute too.

The Public Utilities actually sponsored about 230 bottles of Newater. Even our black polo tees that we will be wearing on that day were paid for. I hope we can get the Milo truck too. Won't it be heaven if we can all drink ice cold milo after running around under the hot sun?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Monday, March 07, 2005 @ 6:46 pm

Dear Blogger,

I was halfway through my SQL (it's due tomorrow!) when I found myself at a theme park. I needed the break anyway. Then I saw him! Resplendent in a white baju kurung, even though his bald head sticks out like a sore thumb. I've forgotten how much I missed him. Then again, he's always in my prayers. He must have come from a performance. He didn't see me.

Then, I felt a stab of pain on my back and my right waist. I closed my eyes because it really hurts. When I opened my eyes again, I saw a black screen and I was lying uncomfortably on my desk chair. I must have dozed off in the middle of my SQL. For 2 hours no less! I must have been really tired.

My back is hurting BIG time! I suspect it's all those long hours on the chair. I do stand up and stretch after a few hours. I guess that's not enough. I can't afford to go for a scan. It's so bloody expensive and it's just a scan! My mum said that my back's just "full of air". I swear, everytime she massages my back, I feel bruises afterwards. Is that good or bad?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Sunday, March 06, 2005 @ 12:58 am

Dear Blogger,

It's the third night in a row that I've cried to sleep. I'm a joke.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Saturday, March 05, 2005 @ 12:07 am

Dear Blogger,

I am a disappointment. All I wanted was to love and be loved. All I wanted was to be happy. I'm a bad person.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Thursday, March 03, 2005 @ 9:06 am

Dear Blogger,

It's a harsh realisation but I don't think I'm cut out for academia. I don't think the academia is ready for me either. As much as I would like to be concerned about grades and GPA, I just don't think that it is THE top priority. Get 4.0 GPA every year all you want, but are you learning something?

Singapore is such a joke. People here generally don't think. Oh yes, they think for awhile but they will still follow the crowd or accept anything that's rolled out by the government. Where are the bohemians? Where are the avant gardes? Where are the intellectuals?

There is a reason I'm here at SMU but I am very sure it's not based on academic excellence. My grades are mediocre in fact. I don't have an outstanding CCA record either. I was a librarian in secondary school! Not that librarians are not outstanding but in Singapore, that isn't even considered a CCA. I just have to find and remember my strengths.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

Wednesday, March 02, 2005 @ 12:35 am

Dear Blogger,

The stormy seas has passed and now I'm feeling the after-effects of the choppy waves. On some days, I don't eat at all. On days when I do eat, I feel defeated because I ate. The induced vomiting didn't relieve me of the sense of powerlessness either. Not like it used to.

I ask Him day and night, for strength and guidance. I don't know how long more my will can hold firm. It is beaten but hasn't broken yet. My foolish heart may break easily but not my will. My spirit too is fragile but it's still clinging to some hope.

I pour my energy on school and work. I don't know what's going on outside school and work. I haven't met anyone socially. Not that anyone wants to meet me socially. I blend in with the walls. I am so quiet that even the walls seem to be louder than me.

I have not had sex in almost a month. I have not touched anyone either. Not even a simple kiss nor a hug. I am so uncomfortable with closeness now. I suspect that I will retract immediately if touched as if I had brushed against a hot object.

I have retreated to my shell even though it's pitch black. I am safe here. No one knows I'm here. No one will hurt me when I'm here.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

back to top

latest post  ::  newer post  ::  older post
archives

recent posts

LAYOUT BANNER COLORS MINIICONS