modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Sunday, February 27, 2005 @ 11:34 pm

Dear Blogger,

I was reading a book by Danielle Steel today about a late 40-something woman whose ideal life suddenly crashed when her husband of 24 years found love in another woman. It interested me not for the obvious but the reason the husband gave to his wife for leaving her.

He said that in the last several years they were married, he felt dead because their married lives had somehow become routine. His wife knew so much about him already that she didn't even wait to ask him what he wants and instead lay out his favourites day in and day out.

It was just like the oyster scene in that NUS play. In it, the lead character complained that her fiance always ordered oysters for her because that was her favourite item on the menu. He didn't even ask her what she would like to eat.

It brings me back to a column last Monday about why men (and women) cheat. The writer's theory was that our ancestors didn't live as long as we do now. They didn't have the chance or time to get bored with their partners. Now that we humans are living very much longer, our relationship engine loses steam after awhile. Therefore, we cheat or break up often.

I don't know how credible that theory was but it sounded reasonable. Think about it! It takes a whole lot of hard work to maintain a relationship and keep it alive. The first year is a bliss. The second year is when you break it or make it. Even if you surpassed the second year, you are not guaranteed a run without cracks!

Women, I think, are more resistant to change. We prefer to break our backs to make sure that things do not change so much, even at all! We call it persistence. Men call it clingy. On the other hand, when we are not resistant, we are labelled fast or even cheap. These are rules, of course, set by men.

In an ideal world, men would not be threatened by women and women ourselves would not be threatened by other women. We would share our love and channel hatred and anger to positive energies. But we're not living in an ideal world are we? We both can't share the same man can we? In my naiveity, I wouldn't mind sharing him. I have love to give. Why kill that love because of selfishness? In my windowless black box, I blind myself with ideal and naive convictions.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, February 26, 2005 @ 2:24 pm

Dear Blogger,

I woke up this morning and it was raining. It was as if He knew how I was feeling. I was still in a dream. All night, I had flashbacks of us. You know how in the movies, when someone's about to die, he'll have flashbacks of his life? It was just like that! Except that I don't know if I was awake or I was just dreaming.

As I was driving to school, something just hit me! I was angry. Not at myself this time. Why should I fall because of this? It wasn't entirely my fault! I had tried to salvage the situation but if none of them wants to work it out, then so be it. Why should I kill myself for these two? It was as if they're making me out as the only bad guy in this whole drama.

I am NOT going to fall!!! Don't blame me for being honest! I don't even hate anyone right now. I have accepted all along that I am partially to blame but that's it. I am just human!

Have him all you want. I wasn't the first nor will I be the last. Accept that! It hadn't always been a bed of roses you know. If he's still in denial, then he wasn't the man that I thought he was. But I won't dwell on his flaws. I'll remember the best of him instead.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 1:31 am

Dear Blogger,

It seems that I can do no right! I deny and I hurt her. I don't deny and I hurt him. I don't want to hurt anyone especially him. Is it selfish for me to say that I don't want to lose him? But he can never be with me can he?

He's angry with me. He probably hates me too. He is denying my existence. I really can't blame him. He's in a very difficult position. If only he knows how I'm feeling.

I can't tell him how much I miss him. I can't tell him how painful my spine feels. I can't tell him that I will be promoted at work. I can't tell him that Din had called me last night and he further confuses me. I can't share my tears and laughter with him anymore.

I'm neither innocent nor guilty and yet I feel that my existence has caused more pain than happiness. Would my demise change anything? If it does for the better, I'd do it.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, February 25, 2005 @ 3:27 am

Dear Blogger,

In the middle of the night, I received another desperate request to shut down this site or removed the archives at least. I can't do that. He wanted me to help him but this is not the way to help. I have done nothing but be honest about my actions, my feelings and my thoughts. By granting his request, he is just being selfish again and in his warped thoughts, he believed that it would salvage whatever threads worth saving in his relationship with his wife.

I fully understood that he was not thinking straight. I was very aware of how broken he was. It just made me feel like wrapping my arms around him in a maternal way. I am not a cruel person. I am not unreasonable. God knows I feel more and deeper for others than I do for myself. But what he was asking for will not help anyone.

If I could change time, I would. If I could somehow make things alright, I would do it. If by personally coming over to apologise and beg her to rethink will help the situation, I will do it. But don't ask me to change history or stop writing.

From my point of view and only my point of view, I think honesty is the only saviour. I just can't understand why he won't do that. Perhaps, he has his reasons. Perhaps, it's a guy thing. Perhaps, I am the only one in this planet who thinks differently.

Hate me all you want but this is my belief system. I can't even bring myself to apologise because I have done nothing wrong. Sure, in the eyes of society, it was wrong of me to develop such a close relationship with a married man. But it was something which I had tried to prevent for quite some time. Doesn't anybody believe me?

Please don't make him leave. He loves you very much. He is a broken man. I believe, deep down, he is remorseful. I am just a distraction! Please see the goodness in him. He is flawed like everyone else. He is a good father and he always talked about his family with fondness. So much so that I can't help but be envious of you.

You may say what do I know right? I am just the young woman who had somehow spent way too much time and foolishly gave herself to a man who can never emotionally be hers. Yes, I don't know many things but I know a broken man when I see one. It hurts me to see that. Doesn't it hurt you too?

Perhaps, you are hurt. You are rightfully so. Perhaps, you are angry too. You have every right to be angry. Sometimes, anger has a way to cloud our judgements. I should know because I have been angry and bitter for most of my life. Look at what it has done to me!

Once again, please don't make him leave. That will kill him. This is the best I can do for him right now. I don't think by lying about it will help anyone. It will just hurt more. It was just unfortunate that things had gone the way it had. Was it something that we planned? No. Neither of us expected all these to happen. We are just mortals going through the course that was set out for us by Him.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, February 24, 2005 @ 1:58 pm

Dear Blogger,

I want to have a baby. I don't know how much that will help but I want a baby. I am so disconnected from reality. I feel that reality and fantasy has somehow intertwined themselves.

I woke up this morning and got ready for school. I clearly remembered taking a shower, packing my stuff and left the house. But I wasn't. I was lying naked in bed. Did I sleepwalk? Not naked out of the house I hope.

Normal 25 year-olds don't talk to their stuff toys like they were alive. I do. I'm not normal. I'm going crazy. One minute I could see clearly what's going on. The next minute, I'm in my own little warped world. It's frustrating! I don't know what's real and what's not! I'm living in a dream state.

How much help can people give me? What exactly do I need? What am I asking for? Do I really want a baby? I am really, really sick but there's no cure for mental illness.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, February 23, 2005 @ 12:07 pm

Dear Blogger,

I couldn't sleep last night. When I was updating my blog at Macdonald's last night, I was sure I was going to crash till sunrise. But I didn't. I plugged in my notebook and continued surfing aimless on the Internet till 3 am. I forced myself to sleep because I had meetings in the morning today.

I met a school counsellor in the morning. I had written to him last week about my depression. I had actually written to him last year about it but I didn't want to go to another therapy session. I still didn't want to. I know what these therapists or counsellors are going to say. I've heard it many times before.

As usual, he asked me about my family, school and life. New counsellors always ask about these because they have to start with something. After awhile, I've learnt to attend these sessions without any expectations. Like I've said, I've heard all there is that needs to be heard. It wasn't a waste of time though. I got to see the creative stuff on the desks of the Students' Life office.

I wanted to meet D last night and I know he wanted to meet me too. But he couldn't because his movements are under the microscope these days. I had expected that. I just wanted to see if he could actually say no. He couldn't. Sometimes, a simple no hurts less than prolonged silence.

How will all these end? The relationship will end definitely. There's no doubt about that. It's inevitable. What I find difficult to let go and trying to save is the friendship. He's one of the bestest friend I've ever had! He was the first to help me when I needed help. He was always trying to cheer me up. How could I not try to save that?

Why should I bar myself from meeting his friends or hang at the clubs he play? If he feels awkward about it, then that's his problem. I'm just living my life. My world doesn't revolve 100% around him.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, February 22, 2005 @ 9:05 pm

Dear Blogger,

I hosted a movie marathon at my place. The movie of choice: Lord of the Rings trilogy. If it wasn't for school, I wouldn't have done such a thing. One of my group presentations is on "A Leader I Have Known". The leader of choice: Aragorn. Thus, the movie marathon.

I don't know Aragorn personally of course but the group has voted him as the leader of choice. I don't know why exactly. Sure, he led the Fellowship to victory and he was the king but he's fictional. I can't think of anybody, dead or alive, who's closest to him.

I had actually chosen Maximus from Gladiator. I think he was a better leader and he had that commanding presence about him. Second choice was Hector from Troy. Now, THAT was a real man! Too bad he died halfway through the film. Damn Archilles!

I think that will be the last time I will sit through a trilogy. It's an excruciatingly painful and brain-draining experience. I actually slept through some of the scenes even! My back still hurts after lying down on the carpet for hours.

That reminds me. I really should make an appointment with a chiropractor. My back is really, really aching. It has never hurt this bad before. Am I too young for osteoperosis?

Is a leader born or cultivated? Many have said that I'm a natural leader but I think that's just because I'm dominating. I don't think I'm a leader at all. Do you know of a leader who's a depressive maniac?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, February 20, 2005 @ 7:21 pm

Dear Blogger,

I am very sad. I am very, very sad. I was trying to remember the meaning of living, but I couldn't. Then I tried to cheer myself up, but I became sadder. I tried to psyche myself up for strength too, but I became more tired.

I prayed to Him, asking Him to take away all this pain. To help me forget them even. Will He grant that for me? He hears everything, doesn't He? He still loves me, doesn't He? I'm trying the best I could. He can see that, can't He?

How can you let me watch you sleep?
Then break my dreams the way you do.
How can I have gotten in so deep?
Why did I fall in love with you...?


When I think back, it's really amazing how both men are so similar. No one has hurt me the way they have. No one has occupied my thoughts the way they have. No one has made me cry so much the way they have.

Then I hate Him. How could He fool me like that? I did ask Him to open my heart again as soon as Din broke it for the last time. But to open my heart and led D into it, it's just so cruel! Remember? I never once intended to have deep feelings for D. I'm not one to get emotional over someone that easily. So, it had to be a divine work.

I am going crazy aren't I? Will I jump down from a block just like that lead character in the play did? I never quite understood her reasons though. I tried to be strong, but I just... fall deeper. I don't know how to explain it.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 1:13 am

Dear Blogger,

I came across an amazing young woman today who woke up my lesbian senses. She's the dance instructor for the musical we're producing. She's so pretty and limbre. I just couldn't stop looking at her, even through the wall to wall mirror of the dance studio!

Then I realised how fat I looked through the mirror. I am not doing enough to look the way I wanted to look. I looked at the dance instructor and I know for sure that I can never have a body like hers. She's a professional dancer! What I could have though, is a better body than what I have now.

We watched a play at NUS earlier. It was about a very successful woman who decided one day that she's crazy. I couldn't relate to the story at all. This character has everything that I wanted, yet, she thinks she's crazy. I don't think the writer knows what being mentally unstable means.

I thought some of the scenes were pretty draggy. Overall, the production was not too bad considering that it was a school production. I wonder how our musical will turn out...

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, February 18, 2005 @ 11:49 pm

Dear Blogger,

I've always make it a point to tell people I know that I have a blog site and I write almost everything. Almost! This is to avoid any conflicts arriving from any surprised hopping into my site. I told Din about it. I told D about it. Now his wife knows about it. Practically, everyone I know knows that I've quite a notorious website.

So, what's the big deal? Sure, the things I've written will seal his fate but I have warned him about it and he didn't do anything about it in the very beginning. I have warned him and reminded him of his place often times but did he do anything about it? No! He was so convincing that I got suckered into it too.

I'm not playing victim here. I have my faults too. I'm a young woman! As strong and intelligent as I may seem to be, I am still a little girl inside, trying to make sense of what's going on. I know my mistakes. I document them in black and white for God's sake! For the whole world to read even!

I don't care who reads my blogs. They might be people I know, people I go to school with, people I've worked with or people whom I will never ever get to know in person. So why is he so damned about shutting down this site??? What makes he think that I am going to stop doing what has kept me alive all these years? If it's not for these blogs, I'd probably be six feet under!

The words of encouragement through the tagboard and emails have been heartwarming. The criticisms have often been offensive but I kind of expected that. Not everybody can be a thinking person right? Whatever judgement you have of me based on my blogs is solely yours. I'm tired of defending myself so I'm just going to let you judge me however way you see fit.

I know what I am. I know I'm depressive. I know I'm a suicidal maniac. I know I'm a possible marriage-wrecker. I know I'm one who finds it extremely difficult to let go. I know I'm hated.

I am never going to stop writing. I am never going to stop publishing. This is me! How could he asked me to stop being me? I have never asked him to leave his family. I couldn't! In fact, I know that he loves them more than he loves me, if what we had was love in the first place. I know his family loves him very much. I know that his wife hates my guts and wishes the worst of me but that's fair enough. I would to if my husband does the things he does.

He's in denial of course. Can't blame him. That kind of response is in a male's DNA. How amusing then when he wrote in his SMS last year, "If I was caught, I'd face my own music. I'm no coward, baby love". That's funny isn't it? Men... I can only rely on them to procreate. If it's the movies, he won't deny it. He'd say to his wife, "Yes, I love her!". How odd then to say that art imitates life because it doesn't!

Of all the wonderful things I write about people, these people will only remember the damning ones. It's typical human behaviour. Sometimes I'd just wonder what their brains are for. But who am I to judge right? I'm flawed too. People often forget that I'm still human.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 12:20 pm

Dear Blogger,

I sent him a long SMS telling him how I felt about what's happened the last 2 weeks. I told him I can't keep dwelling about us. It's affecting my focus in life and it's not fair. I will never formally be a part of him and I know he's not brave enough to do so.

His reply was... "I miss you" blah blah blah... "I love you" blah blah blah. I thought that was a typical male response. He wants everything and stupidly believes that he can have everything.

That happened in the day. When the sun sets, it's a different story. I don't know what got over me. My hormones just went overdrive and I told him that. That was really stupid of me. What did I expect he would do? Take the chance???

His response was, "... Get him to put on the rubber". I replied, "Oh yeah... Thanks... from Your Friendly Neighhbourhood Slut". Not only that, he mentioned my aborted child. That upset me. A great deal.

I couldn't sleep till 5am. Even when I managed to sleep, I had horrible dreams. I tossed and turned in bed and I woke up with a horrible feeling. I looked in the mirror and I hated myself. I hated at what I was looking at. I felt cheap.

Carpe diem indeed. But I don't regret telling him all that. At least I know, even if I'm still not sure if it's real or not.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, February 17, 2005 @ 12:18 pm

Dear Blogger,

I went swimming today. Well, I didn't actually swim. Floating around is more like it. I love the water. It has a purifying effect, don't you think? I love floating on water. It feels like flying. Flying feels like freedom. Freedom is what I'm always seeking.

I advised a fellow blogger to carpe diem. I'm really getting him into trouble aren't I? I should officially include "trouble" as my middle name. Anyway, I think I should carpe diem too. I want to get it out of my system. I have the right to do that. It's not fair for me to bottle it up. As it is, I am going crazy!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, February 16, 2005 @ 10:42 pm

Dear Blogger,

I'm off the pill now because I can't afford to buy new packs. That also spells the end of my active pre-marital sex life. Too bad for those guys who feed off my sex adventures. Looks like they have to find some other girl in school to bitch about.

I know it's bad of me but sometimes I can't help wanting misery to befall me. Like having cancer or a car accident or something like that. Would anybody care if things like that happen to me? Of course not. Who am I kidding?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 10:29 am

Dear Blogger,

I was so depressed last night that I had to take Xanax to sleep. It's a stronger "relax" pill prescribed by my doctor. My bulimia is full blown again. I can't swallow anything without throwing up right after. I'm contemplating therapy and counselling again but I feel like they're a waste of time. I know what these "professionals" are going to say. I've heard them hundred of times already.

I'm not stupid but why am I prone to such things which most "normal" people deem stupid? It is said that geniuses are extremists and eccentrics. Just look at Van Gogh! He cut off his ear and painted about it! And Aristotle committed suicide for heaven's sake!

Some students were selling ice cream for charity. I didn't mean to buy any but I saw strawberry ice cream. It looked so pink and so tempting. I love strawberry ice cream. It's up there on my list of comfort foods. They're selling 2 scoops for $2. I didn't care because I wanted strawberry ice cream. I deserve to have some strawberry ice cream!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, February 15, 2005 @ 9:01 pm

Dear Blogger,

I cried in the car again. It just poured like that! I'm in worse shape than I thought I was. Right now, I'm supposed to write a learning journal about a project but I couldn't do it. My brain just couldn't string the words into proper sentences!

It's happening all over again isn't it? It's a vicious cycle which I have to live for the rest of my life. I know what the kids in school are going to call me now. I'm not just "Annabel". I will probably be "retarded" or "psycho" too. I'm beginning to hate school. I forgot how cruel school kids can be.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 8:46 am

Dear Blogger,

I bought myself roses, tulips and a very adorable new teddy bear yesterday. The school had a Valentine's Day bazaar. I thought it just sealed the notion that Valentine's Day is a commercial event. It's not even a holiday!

Anyway, those things that I bought had a Valentine's Day effect on me. In other words, I wasn't miserable. I wasn't actually in love. With what exactly? I don't actually know. It didn't matter. For awhile, I wasn't wishing that I still had a boyfriend.

I messaged D asking if I could come to Harry's last night. He didn't reply. That was a no then. Why couldn't guys just say no instead of staying quiet like that? Din did that to me all the time. I hate that! I wanted to go to Harry's because I wanted to give tulips to the band members for Valentine's Day.

I got pretty upset when D didn't reply even after 9pm. So I messaged one of his band members instead. I told him that I had tulips for everyone in the band (except D) but I was sorry that I couldn't be at Harry's tonight. He must have relayed the message to the rest because I received a message an hour later from D. He apologised and said that he had no right preventing me from going to Harry's. He ended off saying that I was the sweetest person he had ever met.

He also said not to let the tulips go to waste. That was his way of asking me to come down. After what happened, what made he think that I was going to get out of bed and get dressed again? I wasn't angry. I was more disappointed actually.

Lately, I've learnt that the guys in school are very interested in my active sexual lifestyle. Which is fine, if they had asked me about it rather than bitching about it behind my back. I don't mind talking about it. In fact, I am very comfortable talking about it. If you're interested to know if I do blow every guy I meet, then bloody hell ask me to my face! Not just assume and decide that blowing guy's dick is the only thing I can do!

Gossips and rumours hurt people. That was why I started blogging. I'm not even shy about promoting my blog site because whatever "bad" things I've done, I'd rather tell you upfront than giving you the chance to invent some screwd stories about it.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, February 14, 2005 @ 12:35 pm

Dear Blogger,

It's bloody Valentine's Day today. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I guess there's more singles than couples here. It could also be that most people have come to the realisation that Valentine's Day is a day started by Hallmark.

Nevertheless, I wouldn't mind receiving a Valentine's Day card or message or whatever from a secret admirer. Wouldn't that be so Mills & Boon? Or so William Turner? Who??? Obviously you didn't watch "Pirates of the Carribean".

By the way, tip for you guys: If any girl wishes you Happy whatever, don't reply "Likewise". That is suicide.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, February 13, 2005 @ 11:46 pm

Dear Blogger,

I don't know why but today I'm filled with hope. Hope that I'll see him again. I know I'm just going to hurt myself again. I reread all his messages that I've saved in my phone several times today. I felt like a schoolgirl again. I'm asking to get hurt again aren't I?

For some reason, I think my breasts have grown bigger and firmer. I don't think it's because of the menses I'm having right now. Could it be the weights I've been lifting at the gym? The effects can't be that fast can it?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, February 12, 2005 @ 11:16 pm

Dear Blogger,

I watched "50 First Date" at the Youth Park this evening. All throughout the movie, my thoughts were on D. How wonderful it would be if he was here with me tonight. Almost every scene from the movie reminded me of us. How Lucy tried to break up with Henry. How Henry swooned her with a song. How Lucy said that she wanted to erase Henry from her memories forever so that he could fulfill his dream.

D can't see me for awhile now. I can't even say goodbye to him in person. He's in really deep shit. I feel pity for him. I know the only way I can help him is to move on but then he gives me these confusing signals again. "Move on... but don't leave.", "I can't see you... but I miss you.", etc.

Sometimes, having a short-term memory loss could be a blessing. People like Lucy, they don't have to burden themselves with memories of bad events. I tried to replace those memories with good ones, but they're not replaced. They're simply shifted to other parts of the brain. Some garbage bin in the brain which is never cleared. I think memories are permanently stored in the brain. When you say you forget something, it just means that you've misplaced that memory.

I'm missing D terribly. I can't tell him that I can't function properly. My world looks sadder than it usually is. My fragrances don't smell wonderful anymore. My favourite chicken rice doesn't seem appetising anymore. The bottles of liquor which I just consumed don't make me high anymore. Even strawberry ice cream has lost its comforting appeal! All I can say is, he's my favourite mistake.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 2:46 pm

Dear Blogger,

I finally heard from him last night. He was apologetic and described the situation at home. It looks pretty bad. I wished things didn't have to turn out this way. Neither of us wanted this to happen. Neither of us wanted to get hurt or hurt anybody.

There was a column last Sunday about finding the right person at the wrong time. He sure felt right but everything else was wrong. I thought I had met the right person when I met Din but you know how that turned out. Is it possible to meet several right persons across different stages in time? What if you meet the wrong person at the right time? Was that what happened to Din and I?

Does anyone else spend so much time thinking about this, consciously or subconsciously? I've just realised that I spend way too much of my brain resources on this topic. Is this natural? Lots of questions today but will I find my answers? Again another question. Sigh.

Nobody can define love. I think love knows no boundaries. It just hits you whether or not you're rich or poor, male or female, single or married. I think most people know that so why do we try so hard to define what love should be, who should we love, when should we love and how we love?

Yes it's wrong to get involved with a married person but that's only because there's this unwritten (or in some religious text, it's written) rule passed down from one generation to another. I didn't plan to fall in love with him. I didn't plan for all this to happen! If anyone should be blamed for this, it's love or fate or cupid or whichever heavenly being that's responsible for this.

His last words to me were "I'm sorry that I hurt you. I love you". How do I respond to that??? I am no longer angry. I'm just... remorsed. It's a tragic love story.

Sure I know you'd like to have me
Talk about my future
And a million words or so to fill you in about my past
Have I sisters or a brother
When's my birthday how's my mother
Well my dear in time I'll answer all those things you ask
But for now I'll just say I love you

Nothing more seems important somehow
And tomorrow can wait come whatever
Let me love you forever but right now
Right now

Some fine day when we go walking
We'll take time for idle talking
Sharing every feeling as we watch each other smile
I'll hold your hand you'll hold my hand
We'll say things we never had planned
Then we'll get to know each other in a little while
But for now let me say I love you

Later on there'll be time for so much more
But for now meaning now and forever
Let me kiss you my darling then once more
Once more

But for now let me say I love you
Later on I must know much more of you
But for now here and now how I love you
As you are in my arms I love you
I love you
I love you

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, February 11, 2005 @ 12:02 pm

Dear Blogger,

I thought if I worked it out at the gym, I'd feel better. I didn't and I still don't. I'm in class. I'm looking at the faces all around me. What the hell am I doing here??? I don't belong here! I'm not a student! I'm too old to be a student! I should be out on the streets working long hours and getting paid peanuts!

I could see the professor talking. But I couldn't hear anything. Blah blah blah... Blah blah blah... I should just leave. Should I leave? I want to leave. I want to grab my bags and just slip away. But I'm frozen. Frozen in time. No... I'm not hyperventilating again. I've taken too much "relax" pills last night to hyperventilate.

I am still angry but no matter how or where I channel my anger to, I am still angry! I am angry with the world for the wars and the miseries. I am angry with men who seem to be able to get away with everything even when they know their actions hurt people. I am angry with my brother who dented my baby's side door and didn't even tell me. I am angry with myself for repeating the same mistakes over and over again.

Prince Charming can just circumcised himself with a blunt knife! I don't care!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, February 10, 2005 @ 11:15 pm

Dear Blogger,

Can you please stop this crying? Why can't I just "snap out of it" just like most people seem to be able to do so easily?

I am so forgotten. I don't exist anymore! What is the point of carrying on when you are so insignificant in the lives of people whom you thought you love?

Don't give up hope, I was told. Hope? What hope???

Dear God... will I ever find happiness?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, February 09, 2005 @ 5:08 pm

Dear Blogger,

It's supposed to be a brand new year according to the Chinese calendar. Just like any other new year, you're supposed to forget the miserable things in the past and look forward to the good things in the future. Well, I'm still miserable.

No one's around. I've no friends. I don't know where my family members are. I've no school. No work. I have the whole day to myself and it's miserable. I can't even go shopping because most shops are closed. I've got no one to call except maybe the Depression Hotline by MOH. I've been in and out of bed the whole day because I couldn't think of anything constructive to do. I don't even know if the clubs are open tonight.

What a way to start the "new year" huh?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, February 08, 2005 @ 10:09 pm

Dear Blogger,

I am really, really miserable. This isn't the depression as I know it. I was in tears wherever I was. All I wanted to do was to lie in bed and think of all the possible ways to kill myself. Nobody understands how I feel. Nobody understands what I want. Nobody understands what I need. Nobody understands me at all. Sure, the things I've been through aren't unique to me but that doesn't mean that you know me. I can pretend to be Miss Sunshine but I'm more misery than anything else.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 9:35 am

Dear Blogger,

Sometimes when you think things are going well, something goes wrong. Something's wrong with D and I again. He's having problems at the home front. I've warned him about it countless times and now it's finally happening. I hope things go well with him at home. I'm having a hard time coping with the no-contact-for-the-time-being rule. We even missed each other at Harry's tonight. I could hear my fragile heart crack a little when I didn't get to say hi to him earlier on.

How do I get myself into this mess? Is love really this blind? Why did I let it continue even though I knew so well that it's going nowhere? I miss him terribly but there is nothing I can do. I'm not a priority for him right now. I'm not a priority for anybody right now.

Sometimes, I just wish that I'm not so ambitious and that I'd be content with settling early like some of my peers did. Why am I so preoccupied with love? Hasn't my past taught me enough? I'm destined to be lonely.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, February 07, 2005 @ 2:21 pm

Dear Blogger,

I've been labelled by a fellow classmate as the "Annabel of SMU". No surprises that he's referring to the notorious Annabel Chong. Ha ha! I wish I didn't have to force my laughter. I may be sexually active but he doesn't have to associate me with a ex-porn star. Sometimes I really hate the kids here. Yeah, I really meant it when I say kids.

Anyway, I had too much fun last weekend. Was barely sober but I didn't do anything stupid. I was with D most of the time and it's really nice. He's really sweet. He's really, really sweet. We just found our song! It's Billy Joel's "For the Longest Time". We just stumbled upon it and were singing it like 2 drunk lovebirds.

I met Din last night. Believe it or not, he actually got me a birthday present! Something which D didn't do. It's a pendant and bracelet set and it was carefully wrapped too! I know he's just doing it to win my affections again. He knows I'm seeing D now but he can't do anything about it. He knows he can't.

Wo-o-o-oh for the longest time

If you say goodbye to me tonight
There would be still music left to write
What else could I do?
I'm so inspired by you
That hasn't happened for the longest time

Once I know my innocence was gone
Now I know that happiness goes on
That's where you found me
When you put your arms around me
I haven't been there for the longest time

I'm that voice you're hearing in the hall
And the greatest miracle of all
Is how I need you
And how you needed me too
That hasn't happened for the longest time

Maybe this won't last very long
But you feel so right I could be wrong
Maybe I've been hoping too hard
But I've gone this far and that's more than I hoped for

Who knows how much further we'll go on?
Maybe I'll be sorry when you're gone
I'll take my chances
I forgot how nice romance is
I haven't been there for the longest time

I have second thoughts at the start
I said to myself: 'Hold on to your heart'
Now I know the woman that you are
You're wonderful so far and that's more than I hoped for

I don't care what consequence it brings
I have been a fool for lesser things
I want you so bad
I think you ought to know that
I want to hold you for the longest time

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, February 04, 2005 @ 1:44 pm

Dear Blogger,

What is D doing to me? I can't stop thinking of him today. He's becoming more and more like a drug and I'm getting addicted. This is not good. I have to stop this! The problem is, everytime I want to walk away, I just come running back to him. Even if I tell him to leave, I want him back even more. What am I to do?

I can't do this again. The tumultuous 3 years with Din nearly killed me and I'm still getting over him! Ever since he brought his son with him last week, I felt a pang of hurt and jealousy. I tried to be happy for him but I'm miserable myself. I shouldn't even feel anything for him. It's all so wrong! Should I tell him how I feel? I've tried doing that many times but the words never came out right. I'm in a mess!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 1:17 am

Dear Blogger,

I choked during the audition. I wasn't as articulate as I thought I was. I wasn't as confident as I thought I was too. I'm kind of disappointed with myself. I'm just full of hot air. Some SMU student I turned out to be huh?

After the audition, I thought I'd do my homework and assignments at the Riverside but D wasn't playing there tonight. I was very surprised that he wasn't playing tonight. Another disappointment in under 4 hours. I stayed on nevertheless. I did do my homework and assignments there!

D has been really slack in replying my messages lately. On some days, I don't hear from him at all! Does it sound familiar? Sigh. It's definitely me. D and Din can't be that similar, can they? I'm just not long-term material! I'm only good for a short fling.

Why am I beating myself like that??? I should have known that was coming. Men are men! They're jerks! You can't believe whatever words that come out from their mouths! You wasted all your love on them. Bastards!

I've diverted all my calls to my voicemail. I don't feel like answering any calls at the moment. It's not like I receive many calls in the first place. I also don't feel like replying any messages, especially those coming from the so-called men.

Yes, I'm angry! I deserve to be angry. People say I deserve to be happy. Where's my happiness??? I had a fucked up birthday. I completely misjudged myself. I have a fucking slave-labour of a job. Where the hell is my happiness?!

I might as well just kill myself. Here we go again. Suicidal talk again. What the hell is wrong with me?! Why am I such a piece of shit?! AAARRRGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, February 03, 2005 @ 1:25 pm

Dear Blogger,

I am auditioning for the SMU Campus Radio DJ tonight. I know that I am already tied down with school work, tuition, work and the musical production. But I'm just curious to know if I have the potential to be a DJ. I've always wanted to be on radio. OK. So I admit that I am not the most articulate person in this planet and I definitely do not think I have a melodious voice, but there is no harm trying right? Besides, it'll be good experience.

I went swimming in school today. I found myself in the pool more and more these days. It's not like I swim laps. I don't have the stamina to complete one lap in fact. I just enjoy being in the water. It feels serene somehow. The fact that I usually have the pool all to myself is a plus factor too.

It's been a week since I turned 25. Do I feel different? Not really, except that my biological clock is ticking louder. I was thinking about marriage while I was driving. Do I really want to get married? Why would I want to do that? I think what I really want is to be a mother. So, in our shallow society, to be a mother is to be married first. Do I really have to be married to be a mother? Do I have to be married to have sex???

I think not. Sure, it's immoral. Sure, it's against my religion. But I'm condemned to hell anyway. I don't believe in marriages anymore. People I know are mocking marriage. What is marriage anyway?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, February 01, 2005 @ 6:59 pm

Dear Blogger,

I'm seriously thinking about my capabilities. Should I quit my low paying job and just focus on giving tuition? I've been so tired lately that I couldn't keep my eyes open during tuition! It's embarrassing really and highly not professional at all. Their parents are not paying me big money to sleep on the job.

What shall I do? I'm ambitious by nature but I don't have the discipline to stay focus on the big picture. That's why I've never realised my full potential. I have all these big dreams but I always fall flat whenever I'm halfway there. I know I've to do something about this, but what? Self-help books sure didn't help much.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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