modgurl's
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who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Monday, January 31, 2005 @ 11:51 pm

Dear Blogger,

It was just one of those days for me today. One of those LAZY, CONFUSED and LOST days for me. I woke up early as I usually do on Mondays because of morning class but I just couldn't bring myself to get out of bed! I was tossing and hugging my baby bears and drifting in and out of sleep till late morning. I'm not proud of myself but it was just something which I couldn't do anything about!

I didn't go to work yesterday. I didn't go to school today. What am I going to do with myself? Shall I punish myself? Have I not punished myself too much already? Haven't you had days like you don't feel like doing anything that you were supposed to do? I guess we all have forgotten how to live. We are so caught up in fulfilling our expectations and society, family and friends' expectations that our lives have become routine. You wake up, go to work/school, catch up with family and friends and you go to sleep. The next day, it is the same set of activities.

I finally got out of bed and dragged myself to the bathroom by lunchtime. In the shower, I decided to have a pedicure. I don't know why a pedicure but I just felt like having one. The pedicure was OK. I chose a dark red polish with what looks like tiny daisies on my big toes. It's kind of cute actually.

I went to the beach after that. I have not been to the beach on days like these for years. It's very refreshing actually. Everyone else is at work or school, while I was at the beach. Kind of like having the beach all to myself. D joined me afterwards of course. He too felt lazy today.

We decided to go shopping. He decided to go shopping actually. Among all the male friends I have, he is the most active shopper I've known! I guess he has to because of his profession. I didn't buy anything of course. We went to Parkway Parade for heaven's sake! What's there for me at Parkway Parade??? I will always remember that mall as an auntie's place.

We had sushi at Sakae Sushi. We didn't have much because we were not hungry in the first place. Why did I drag him into that place I have no idea. We started talking about sexual experiences and weirdest places to make out. He told me of a Friends episode in which they were asking one another of the weirdest places they have made out at. Rachel said it was at the foot of the bed for her. I didn't really understand that but D said that it's a very erotic position to be. I still don't get it. I guess I still have a lot to learn.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, January 29, 2005 @ 11:54 am

Dear Blogger,

28th January 2005. Just an ordinary day. I thought a little retail therapy would do me good after the previous night's crying fest. I couldn't decide what to buy. Shoes or bags? You can never have too much of these things.

My mum bought a pair of shoes from Charles & Keith, my favourite shoes store. It wasn't fair because it was supposed to be just window shopping! I was entitled to 10% off and I didn't even buy anything. I was tempted to. The shoes were driving me crazy but I tried had to be reasonable. I still have overdue bills to pay you know.

I had strawberry cheesecake and mango (2 separate ice creams by the way) yesterday at Haagen Dazs. It had been almost 10 years since I sat down for ice cream at Haagen Dazs. It was just pure heaven licking the ice cream of the spoon. I took my time finishing the ice cream and I thought that WAS the way to have ice cream. You shouldn't rush!

D joined me in the middle of my ice cream fantasy. I know I said I wanted to stay away from him but his "this fool still loves you" quote warmed my heart a bit. It would have turned to be an almost perfect day if he had not brought his 2-year old son along. Surprise!!!

I can handle kids. Afterall, I helped to raise 3 boys and a girl. It was OK until this tiny tot found my little furry teddy bear in my car, which I treasure as company whenever I'm driving alone. He wouldn't let go of it! So he went into a fit when his dad took it away from him. His wailing didn't stop even after I sent them home.

I woke up early today and went to IKEA to look for the teddy because that's where I bought it. Sadly, IKEA doesn't sell it anymore. I was late to the musical rehearsal today because of it and yet I have no teddy for tiny tot. The other soft toys available just don't appeal to me and if they don't appeal to me, it won't appeal to him. My teddy is brown, furry and wears this really cute white knitted vest. It looks like a Harrod's bear but at a fraction of the price.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, January 28, 2005 @ 2:28 am

Dear Blogger,

It's my birthday today. Just like all my recent birthdays, I ended up in tears than smiles. I don't know what came over me. I've been planning to really celebrate my birthday for weeks but I always make everyone miserable when the day arrives.

D was right. I do these things to myself. I really shouldn't blame others for making me miserable. He can't understand why I do them and neither do I. I see the worst in people on this day and I don't know why! My self-worth became questionable and I ended up crying like a child because I hated myself.

Why do I torture myself? Am I so fond of misery? Why do I hurt people? Why do I hurt myself? I really hurt D this time round and I can't bring myself to apologise. He was there when no one else wasn't. He left his asthmatic son just so that he could be with me tonight! I really hate myself!!!

I've decided to stay away for awhile. Not just from D, but from everyone else. I know I said these things before and I never do them. I would really like to disconnect myself from the real world. Impose a self-time out. I know this is the therapy that I needed.

I'm a joke! I started a joke that made the whole world crying...

Miserable birthday to me.

How can I think I'm standing strong,
Yet feel the air beneath my feet?
How can happiness feel so wrong?
How can misery feel so sweet?
How can you let me watch you sleep,
Then break my dreams the way you do?
How can I have got in so deep?
Why did I fall in love with you?

This is the closest thing to crazy I have ever been
Feeling twenty-two, acting seventeen,
This is the nearest thing to crazy I have ever known,
I was never crazy on my own.
And now I know that there's a link between the two,
Being close to craziness and being close to you.

How can you make me fall apart
Then break my fall with loving lies?
It's so easy to break a heart;
It's so easy to close your eyes.
How can you treat me like a child
Yet like a child I yearn for you?
How can anyone feel so wild?
How can anyone feel so blue?

...and being close to you,
and being close to you.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, January 27, 2005 @ 10:27 am

Dear Blogger,

I know I haven't been updating regularly but that's because some virus attacked my computer at home and slowed down the internet connection. It took me awhile to realise it was a virus and not a spyware. The anti-virus couldn't remove it so I had no choice but to spend several hours reformatting my hard disk last night.

I use a home networking kit at home because I have a computer and several notebooks. I find it a waste not to use them all so I connected them to the computer, which is where most of my hardware are anyway. I'm thinking of converting to a wireless network at home but I'm not sure how stable it is yet. It would remove all those messy cables snaking around in my room.

Anyway, about the virus, I'll bet it came with the P2P downloads my brothers are very fond of. They're are smart young men, so why are they not using their brains??? Isn't it common sense to not click yes when some pop-ups ask you if you want to install some free-whatever?

There are many a times when I had to remove some of the porn videos they downloaded to the computer. I don't mind if the computer is a private entity but it's a common PC! My sister's using it for her schoolwork and I don't think by watching porn, it'll teach her about sex.

Every year, whenever my birthday is around the corner, my brothers will find a way to give me high blood pressure. My first brother just passed his Class 3 (car) license so he's always asking me if he could use the car. He has a Class 2B (bike) license so technically, he was on the road longer than I did. But you know what? On his first day driving out my car, he was caught speeding and was awarded 8 demerit points!

For all who hasn't a clue how driving in Singapore works, new drivers (less than 1 year old) are given 12 points. For whatever traffic offence that you make, you are "awarded" points. So, in my brother's case, he was "awarded" 8 points i.e. 12 - 8 = 4 points. That means, within this 12 months, he will be driving with just 4 points i.e. if he is caught with another traffic offence, there goes his license and he has to retake the test again.

For drivers who are more than 1 year old and has a clean record, you are given 24 points. Despite 2 accidents, my points are still intact. That's one bit of my driving that I'm really proud of. I may have a high risk of reversing into a pillar at times but my points are still intact.

Today will be the last day of my 24th year. No one has planned anything yet, so it is up to me to decide how the start of my 25th year will be. D suggested driving into Johor Bahru tonight. I don't know man. What's at JB after sunset besides food???

An advanced birthday song for me...
Happy birthday to me!
Happy birthday to me!
Happy birthday to meeeeeeee!
Happy birthday to me!

World peace!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, January 23, 2005 @ 10:54 pm

Dear Blogger,

I don't know if it was the almost full moon effect this week but the sickerI was, the hornier I became. I was having recurring dreams that I made out with both D and Din the whole week! It got so out of control that I literally jumped at D on Friday night! But that wasn't the highlight of the week. Maybe I'm getting too ahead of myself.

On Friday night, my girlfriend and I went to Historia pub at Novena for a drink (fruit juices actually!). D is playing there on Friday and Saturday nights now. After that, D joined us for supper and sheesha at Ambrosia Cafe and we just chilled till 3am. I haven't chilled like that in months! Obviously I had been too caught up in the rat race.

My girlfriend had this new Nokia phone. I don't know what model it was and I am very bad with models anyway. She didn't exactly buy it. Her fiance found it at his workplace. Anyway, it was a full-featured phone so she was sweet enough to take a picture of D and I together. Oh God! Our first picture together! It wasn't really a well-taken shot. She was shaky. Then again, I have never thought of anyone else as being a better photographer than me.

Once I sent her home, it was just me and D and the bloody 80% full moon. I was really, really focusing on staying in control but it was really mentally draining you know. So off we went and I haven't stopped feeling good ever since. It's that feel-good-hormones-production-after-great-sex effect.

The next day, the only plan I had was work, which I thought I was supposed to come in at 5pm. I was 45 minutes late but thank God, my manager was in a good mood. Maybe she got lucky too. I really don't like Saturdays with no plans. Who stays home on a Saturday night anyway??? I finished work at 9pm so it was kind off early to hit the club circuit. So I called an old friend out for supper.

He was quite shocked to see me actually. Did I mention that I had a haircut? It's really, really short now. Too short but the weirdos, drunkards and lesbians think it's cute. Anyway, I digress. We chit chatted for awhile to catch up on old times. I didn't really have much things to say so I excused myself and headed back to town to Historia (again!).

It must have been my lucky night because it was the pub owner's birthday! I got a slice of the birthday cake, (chocolate and banana I think) and champaigne! Wow! That was my very first champaign actually. That was not all. While D and his band was playing really wicked tunes (the sax player was great!), I was watching Manchester United vs Aston Villa on the plasma tellys in the pub. The Devils won 3-1 and Christian Ronaldo was just so adorable!

D, the bass player and I went to e bar at International Building after that because a friend of ours was playing there 6 nights a week. The club really wasn't my scene because it looked pretty early 90s loungy. Then again, it caters to the hotel guests crowd. By the time we arrived, there weren't many patrons. I kind of feel sympathetic for the 8-piece band who had to keep playing even though there wasn't any appreciative audience.

There's this girl there whom I met at the Aladdin production. She's a very public lesbian but she's cute, in a skinny, geeky way. She had texted D earlier to "save her from the idiots" at the e bar. I swear I only had a glass of bourbon coke and that champaigne earlier at the Historia and I only drank fruit punch at the e bar. I was very sure I wasn't high nor drunk. But somehow, things got a little crazy. Firstly, I was responding to this girl's touchy feely mannerisms. Secondly, we were flashing ourselves in the little girl's room. Thirdly, she was giving me signals that she was attracted to me. Was it the haircut? I don't know. I could just be imagining things. Probably the hormones again.

Of course, it got D all hot and bothered and I could see he was really controlling himself. He lost it when (you will never believe this!) the girl and I kissed, full on the mouth plus tongue, in my car after I drove her home. According to him, that moment was like a Hallelujah moment! What?! I thought he would be outraged or something! I was kind of expecting him to shout "Get your lips off my girl!". Men!

Don't ask me what happened. I guess I was in one of my bravado mood that night. I don't know what I was trying to prove. I don't know who I was trying to impress. But the fact still is that I have bigger balls than most men have and D agrees to that.

How was the kiss? It was just a kiss. She wasn't Angelina Jolie. It was sloppy and unexpected so it wasn't porn perfect. Ladies and gentlemen, I had kissed a girl!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, January 20, 2005 @ 9:51 pm

Dear Blogger,

I've been on my own of late, being sick and all. Not that I've any choice in that. It got me thinking that maybe I need a proper boyfriend. Someone who would devote his time and attention on me. Of course despite what everybody thinks of me, I'm not exactly a relationship sort of person. I'm just the girl guys have affairs with.

I'll be 25 next week. I've no boyfriend. I've no engagement ring. I've no best friend even. It's really kind of sad actually. I thought I'd have achieved something by the time I'm 25. I guess I have achieved something. I am in SMU aren't I? Hmm... I'm a loser aren't I? Despite all my feminist crap, I still need a man to be happy.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, January 18, 2005 @ 6:31 pm

Dear Blogger,

I am still sick. My cold is getting worse. The medication which the doctor gave me (5 day's worth of nose allergy pills), are not working. He charged me $40 for it and I'm still sick. What happened to ethics in medicine???

School work is slowly piling up but I'm still in control. I make sure I do my homework first before I go out and play. It's pretty childish but it works. I want to reduce procrastination this year. I couldn't cope with the pressure last year because I procrastinated a lot.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, January 16, 2005 @ 7:21 pm

Dear Blogger,

I haven't been feeling very well this week. It started out with a common cold and now I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't have fever. I'm just tired most of the time. I can barely keep my eyes open for half a day. Just today alone, I took a 6 hour nap!

To make me feel better, I went for a haircut. I had the stylist cut it so short, it was almost bald. The stylist was so afraid to snip my shoulder-length hair that I was almost tempted to snatch the shaver on his waist and just shave off my locks! It's just hair for God's sake!

He kept asking why I want cut my hair and I said it's for practical reasons. I have to live with the mess everyday you know. He said he had never cut a woman's hair this short. Well, there is always a first time for everything.

Does it make me less of a woman to have a short hair? Linda Evangelista had short hair and she's a beauty! Sinead O'Connor didn't have hair and she's pretty too. Then again, she's a weird case. How about Demi Moore in Ghost? Halle Berry? I rest my case. Besides, D said I've a gorgeous neckline.

Sincerely,
modgurl.



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Tuesday, January 11, 2005 @ 8:59 am

Dear Blogger,

If I ever do anything for love again, please kill me. If I ever thought that I was in love, please kill me too. How could I possibly made myself believe that I was actually in love, I don't know. I guess I fooled myself into believing it. I can't believe I fell into the same trap again! It's over between D and I. Have I said that before? I think I have. We were seeing each other for over 6 months. I think that was an extraodinary run for a fling, don't you think?

What was the reason for the break up? Din. I decided to meet him on Sunday night to settle some matters with him. I thought it's better that we settle our outstanding matters face-to-face than drag it over months on SMS. D of course wasn't too happy about it. It wasn't like I was going to sleep with Din again. Believe me, I couldn't even if the situation presented itself. I've tried. The whole situation got blown up 10 times over and now, it's over.

He decided not to help in the musical in the last minute because of "time constraints". How considerate can he be? I am hurt. I am very hurt. I have to tell the bad news to the rest of the team tonight and I don't like that. I don't like disappointments. I don't know how to deal with disappointments. Disappointments are triggers to depression. I don't want to be depressed. IT'S ONLY THE BEGINNING OF THE YEAR!!!

Men. I despise them more and more.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, January 09, 2005 @ 10:21 pm

Dear Blogger,

I had the most horrendous time with a new student with a new student I was giving tuition to. She is a Primary 4 student with authority problem. Not that I don't have a similar problem (believe me, I do!) but she, is THE champion!

She started the lesson by goofing around for close to 30 minutes! Then she purposely did her exercises wrongly even though I've corrected her repeatedly. When I asked to take a piece of paper, she produced a kitchen towel instead! I told her to write all the correct answers on that kitchen towel. She wrote HER answers instead! I made her rewrite those answers until she got bored.

I don't know what's wrong with her. Is she naturally hyperactive? She just couldn't stop making all those noises and jumping in her chair while doing her exercises. I spoke to her mother about it and she apologised for not warning me about her earlier. So, I guessed she has always been like this.

Oh my! So young and already a bitch. Children these days are getting smarter. I wonder if I was like that at her age. I remember getting on some adults' nerves, most notably, my relatives. Most just accused me of being a smart aleck. Was being smart a crime in those days???

My musical production of "Anything Goes" is under way. I missed the first rehearsal on Friday because I had to work. Looked like I didn't miss much. Mostly introduction to the cast and crew.

The team needed a piano player to assist in the vocal training every week. I got D to do it but now I feel a tinge of regret asking him for help. We seem to be in some form of disagreement every time we meet.

Just last night, we ruined what could have been a great night by making wrong moves on each other. He asked my opinion on a cover of Police's "Every Breath You Take". I said I prefer the original, which he then attacked my acceptance of creativity, originality and all that out-of-the-box shit that SMU students are known for.

He DID ask for my opinion, didn't he? He always does this to me! He asks for my opinion and then he attacks me! He totally insulted my point of views and that hurts. I am a very opiniated person. So if you ask for my opinion and then attack it, don't ask for my opinion then!

But you know what? We just couldn't stay angry with each other for long. It took us 24 hours to forgive for our childish ways but life's too short to stay angry for long. Besides, I kind of miss him already. Can't wait to see him in MY school on Tuesday!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, January 05, 2005 @ 1:11 pm

Dear Blogger,

The first day of school was a drag but that was because firstly, I was sick with a cold and secondly, it would be my longest day of the week with three classes! Nevertheless, it was nice to be back in school. School work will distract me for awhile from what most people have written in and called a "disapproved" lifestyle. Then again, this is my life. Whatever happiness or suffering I'm experiencing, it's me and me only in this.

It never fails to annoy me how some people want to share your happiness even though they have done nothing to credit themselves for it. But when it comes to suffering, they stay away like a plague and often times, they have something to do with it! Anyway, I didn't get this far by being so concerned about what others think of me.

D was really losing it when he told me how he called out my name to someone else. Ten years down the road, this would be really funny but right now, it's not! I had to do something! So, despite having a really bad cold and a very long day, I made my way to Harry's at Boat Quay just so that I could knock some sense back into him. He didn't expect my presence of course because I had told him how busy I would be once school reopens.

He was not only losing grip on reality but he looked like he had aged years! The poor guy! My maternal instinct just took over me when I saw him like that. I just couldn't bear to be harsh on him. I'm pathetic I know. I managed to talk him back to earth. He agreed that eventually, there will be someone in my life who can give me things that he cannot possibly give. He said it would be really difficult for him to accept that fact but he would try and slowly let go.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, January 02, 2005 @ 11:14 pm

Dear Blogger,

I don't know what is wrong with D. I wish I could read his mind. What's going on in his messed up head? One minute he's all over me, the next minute he wants to keep his distance. He is so confused and I'm concerned. He looked so troubled last night that I felt so helpless because I didn't know how to help him.

This is what love does to people! It screws people upside down and makes us so crazy that we end up killing ourselves. I can't stop anyone from falling in love with me can I? How it ended up like this, I wish I knew. I am troubled because he is troubled. My poor baby.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, January 01, 2005 @ 3:58 pm

Dear Blogger,

Today is a brand new day of a brand new year. It's funny how one expects something magical to happen on every new year. Nothing special happened to me today. Nothing special happened on the last day of 2004 either.

I was at Ritz Carlton by 11.30pm. I did a Superman by changing into my dress in my car because I didn't want to turn up at work in my very attention-seeking dress. I did that once, on Christmas eve, and it wasn't a very comfortable feeling.

I almost couldn't get into the ballroom of sorts because the girl at the entrance couldn't find my name listed. I didn't really want to tell her that I was a guest of the musician who was playing last night. I got in finally and well, it wasn't really as exciting as I thought it would be. I had half expected the guests to be half drunk by now but they were still very sober. It wasn't my kind of crowd but what did I expect??? It's Ritz Carlton for God's sake!

I just sat by the side and watched people danced on the dance floor while D played drums and percussions. I had wanted to dance but it felt sucky dancing alone. I only enjoyed myself when the band was taking a break, which was not very long. I could have chatted with the other musicians' girlfriends/wives, but we just don't click. I was definitely the youngest of the lot and somehow I felt this vibe that they were threatened by my presence.

We finally left at 2.40am and I didn't salsa like I wanted to. D and I didn't know where to go because everywhere else was already packing up. We almost went to Sentosa but with my dress and his shirt, we weren't Sentosa ready. Besides, I didn't want to be crowded by Taufik fans.

We started the new year by chit-chatting in the car about everything. That felt nice. I'll be meeting him again tonight. I was "required" to spend the last few days before school reopens with him. When school reopens, I'm going to be very busy with school work, my school musical production, tuition and work. He said he misses me already. Awwwww....

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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