modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Thursday, December 30, 2004 @ 10:46 am

Dear Blogger,

I had one of the craziest nights I've known last night. I was partying like there was no tomorrow. I was dancing and drinking and... I was hot! Yes, I was dancing. China Jump was damn happening last night. Usually, on Ladies' Night, most of the patrons would just be at the bar. I don't know if it was the music, the booze, the New Year bug but we were all shaking our booty on every inch of the floor space.

Even though I reached CHIJMES at close to 11.30pm, the boys weren't at Carnaval yet. So I went to China Jump for a drink just to start off the night. It's Ladies' Night at Carnaval too but no free flow for ladies. Don't ask me what did the club mean by Ladies' Night anyway. I think it was Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" that started it or possibly the adorable bartender. Can't really remember but when my engine had started, I just couldn't stop!

When the boys arrived, the craziness went up a notch a little. It was nice seeing D again. He was wondering what had made me so... free. I think I deserved to let go of myself after what I had gone through don't I? He wasn't complaining. I like Carnaval but the boys got a little bored because there weren't that many ladies in the club. I was just there for the live band.

We headed to China Jump and the three of us were on the dance floor immediately. It was rocking! D's friend didn't bring his date but he didn't mind. He is a usually a sourpuss but he was enjoying himself last night. I had another drink, my fifth I think. I was light-headed but I wasn't drunk. I was flushed and hot but the important thing is, I was having fun.

We went to the Actors' bar because another of D's friend was jamming there. It's an OK place but it's a place more for musicians. I felt useless because I don't know much about jazz and I don't play any instruments. We didn't stay long because we were getting hungry. I was a little hungry but my appetite for the last month wasn't very good. I did have something to eat though. Some bland fried mee hoon.

D sent me home, in my car. I had too much to drink so he didn't really trust me to drive myself home. He had been driving since we left CHIJMES. On the way home, he made this confession of sorts on how I made him crazy and how he missed his cues in the musical that night because his thoughts were fully on me. Like that was my fault?

He wanted some time out for me to think did he? I was in time out mode, wasn't I? So why the hell was he telling me how much he missed me barely 24 hours after??? I tried to stay away but he went looking for me. I don't stay away but he tries to push me away. Is he confused or what?

I told him the problem wasn't me. It's him! Whatever he decides to do, I'll respect that decision. It took him 4 hours to finally decide on what he wants to do. The thing was, it was a pretty selfish decision. He wants us, which he insistingly called a "relationship", to be exclusive. That doesn't make sense! He is legally married, so how can he be exclusive? Didn't I tell you it was a selfish decision and he admitted that. Didn't I tell you that he is a romantic?

After going round and round in circles with this, I just couldn't take it anymore. He was more annoying that I was! So I said fine! Be exclusive then! But if I do meet someone whom I think I will be happy with, he has to respect that. He agreed. So what am I now? I am officially his girlfriend and I have his mark on my neck to prove it. That was quite a mind trip. He looked so happy and for a minute, I had actually forgotten he was married.

Maybe this was all a dream. Then again, hickeys won't show up if it was only a dream, do they? You know what? I am not going to let anything spoil my last few days of 2004. Not this, not Din, not my loans, not even a tsunami! I am going to better, smarter and richer next year. That is my resolution.

What are the words to Auld Lang Syne?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, December 28, 2004 @ 9:10 pm

Dear Blogger,

Barely 24 hours of separation and he "misses me" already. Then, it's "I can't function properly". Followed by, "staying away from you sucks". My god! He is more confused than I am isn't he? I mean, I am flattered with all this devotion and attention but how am I to think straight if he keeps telling me these stuff? At least, give me 48 hours!

From one married man, to another recent married man. Am I a married man magnet or what? Din has been begging me to meet him. I have, so far, refused his pleas. Now, with him, I am not confused. He lied to me. He betrayed me. He practically ripped my heart apart and shred it into million pieces. So I am very sure that I do not wish to see him at all.

Yes, I do miss him but he can't do this to me! He kept saying that he still loves me but he should thought of that before he married someone else. Apparently, in this messed up world, he was forced into an arranged marriage by his family and now he is miserable living with someone who doesn't stir up his feelings like I did for him. What is this?! Days of our lives??? He hasn't grown up, has he?

I'm not a classic beauty. I'm not a Mensa member. I'm not an athlete. I'm not artistically talented. So what does these guys see in me??? Sometimes men can be such pests!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, December 27, 2004 @ 10:52 pm

Dear Blogger,

Why do I keep doing this to myself? I'm confused, lost and not in control. I'm killing myself with my lack of focus and direction. That's it! Subconsciously, I want to kill myself! Why don't I just jump off a building then?! Get it over and done with! Why must I torment myself like this?

There is a man who loves me. A man who grew to love me. He loves me because I'm clever, sweet, honest and different. He thinks I'm the sweetest thing he has ever seen! He loves me so much that he's selling his iPod to help me! It's not much but the thought of it all really touched me. As such, I'm scared.

I grew to love him, despite everything I believed in. For one, he is married for close to a decade. Secondly, he is a father of two lovely boys. Thirdly, he has a roving eye. There are so many other things that are going against him so why does it confuse me so much?!

The sensible thing to do is to leave him but that is what I've been trying to do for weeks! Every time I tried to leave, I ended up wanting him even more! It is happening all over again! It happened with Din, now it is happening with this guy!

And I have been sensible. D and I are now separated but he called it a time off (couple of days actually) just so that I can get out of this confusing state I am in right now. Whatever it is, it is a separation to me. He thinks it is a relationship that is going nowhere. I think we don't even have a relationship! He thinks I am not ready for him. I think he is not ready himself!

He is a romantic you know. He forgets himself sometimes and I end up being the bad person because I bring him back to reality every now and then. Well, it was never going to work out anyway. Why does he have to spoil it all by having that stupid feeling for me?! Yes this separation hurts. I mean I enjoy being with him but this can't go on forever, can it? I'll get over it, just like I got over all those other guys. But he isn't just another guy is he? Sigh. It's a messed up world.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, December 24, 2004 @ 6:03 pm

Dear Blogger,

I guess the week didn't turn out so bad. Aladdin the musical was funny, in a childish way. Then again, the target audience was children. I brought my sister to the show since no one else was available. It was good that I brought her. She enjoyed the show. The bad thing was, I had to send her back home after that.

D looked so handsome in his black shirt. That shirt really drove me nuts since the first time I saw it. He wore it deliberately that night because he knew how much I loved that shirt. He also wore boxers because he also knew that I've a thing for boxers.

It's Christmas eve and I'm off to work. What a bummer! I've no choice do I? It's part of my punishment. I am so worried about what's going to happen on Monday. I wish I could believe in fairy godmothers but they're bollocks!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, December 22, 2004 @ 4:33 pm

Dear Blogger,

I was supposed to watch Aladdin the musical with this girl but she forgot. We agreed on the date weeks ago but she forgot. She didn't even bother to inform me in advance! I had to call and ask her about it. Because of the last minute changes, I couldn't find anyone else to watch the show with me. The tickets were free but no one was available. Do you know how hurtful rejection is? I really hate this kind of people. Thanks for ruining my Wednesday. I'll be in jail on Monday but thanks for ruining the rest of my week.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, December 21, 2004 @ 8:06 pm

Dear Blogger,

I am so in distress. No amount of stress pills or relaxants can make me feel better. Just when I thought that I'm getting my act together, he comes back into my life and turned it upside down again. He said he still loves me, yet he married someone else. He still wants me but the fact still remains, he married someone else. What kind of sick love story is this?!

Then there's legal matters to settle. I don't know how but everyone wants a piece of me these days. I feel like I'm being pulled from all directions and one day, I am just going to break. How do I still keep my faith when everything is going so wrong? I am just a little girl for crying out loud!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, December 18, 2004 @ 1:36 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm sensing deja vu between D and I. Ever since we (or he actually) got honest with our feelings, I must admit that I have been difficult with him. Every little things he does these days seem to stir some negative feelings in me. Just last night, I almost walked out on him again because he 'warned' me to be more discreet in the presence of a friend's wife. I was clearly upset because after all this time, he did not give me any credit at all!

I don't really understand why I'm behaving like this. I was thinking that perhaps it is a natural reaction. Whenever someone (usually from the opposite sex) tries to get emotionally close to me, my defences go up and I subconsciously push the person away. The thing is, I don't really know if I want to push him away. My brain thinks I should but that other organ of mine is partially not agreeable.

I like hanging out with D. I really do! It's just that I don't feel comfortable when emotions get involved. It just feels so wrong! I know this whole thing is wrong in the first place, but it feels even more wrong now!

GOD!!! I really, really hate this! I am just going to avoid everyone for the time being. I really don't think I can be sociable right now. I feel so angry all of a sudden. I feel worthless and undeserving of anyone. I miss Din terribly. I just want to cry in his arms and let him cuddle me like a little girl that I am. So many times I was tempted to call him. So many times I was tempted to pop by his place.

What good will all these do? He obviously doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. He has moved on while I'm still stuck here, still longing for him. It is said that time will heal all wounds. It has been exactly a month now but instead of healing, the wound seems to be deeper. Isn't there a cure for this???

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, December 16, 2004 @ 3:37 pm

Dear Blogger,

Denial is so destructive. I almost destroyed my friendship with D because I was so determined to deny everything. Well, I have to deny everything don't I? It's the best for everyone! Then why do I feel so miserable? Maybe I am still vulnerable. I haven't really gotten over Din. He still haunts me and it's literally driving me crazy. I am confusing myself aren't I?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, December 14, 2004 @ 11:42 pm

Dear Blogger,

I still didn't have a chance to ask my father for money and time is running out. Why is it so difficult to go to him and just open my mouth??? My brothers do it all the time. Even my sister does it. Perhaps D was right. I am too independent and too proud. I'm a rebel and my cause is pride.

Well, you can't blame me for being too independent. I was forced to grow up fast and be independent. At 8, I was taking care of my brothers at night while my mother went to work. At 10, I was doing the household chores and keeping my brothers occupied while my mother went for Haj for over a month. I could fix stuff in the house before I've even reached puberty. I'm surprised I didn't pick up cooking though. My brother did, whom by the way, is planning to be a chef.

You know what I would love right now? Cheesy nachos with hot salsa on the side. It's almost midnight so where the hell am I going to get that??? I'll just cook up instant noodles then. Come to think of it, why do I even bother? I'm just going to throw it all up down the toilet bowl anyway.

D and I are back on talking terms again. Not that it mattered anyway. He called asking if I was going out tonight. I cooly replied that I've tuition and I'm not going out after that. I didn't even want to go out! I wanted to stay home tonight. I'm saving my energy for tomorrow night. It's my reward after working hard the last 2 days. I'm almost proud of myself.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, December 13, 2004 @ 10:04 pm

Dear Blogger,

D messaged me at 1 a.m. asking if I was awake. Duh! Of course I'd be awake if my phone beeps me at that hour! I can't put it in silent mode because my phone doubles up as an alarm clock. Anyway, then he told me that I am a troubled person. That's it! He asked me if I was awake just to tell me that. Tell me something that I don't know man.

I've been helping out at the Children's Society every week doing mundane administrative stuff like mailing and data entry. They are no-brainer tasks but sometimes for a girl who thinks and analyses too much, tasks like these are healthy. I'm supposed to just clock in 80 hours of community service but I'm not doing it just to get a passing grade in community service. Like most else in my life, I do things to just pass the time. Now with the school holidays, either I spend time licking stamps or sleep till afternoon. The latter is appealing at times but not always.

I've been wanting to ask my father for money but I have much better chances talking to a complete stranger. When I was growing up, children were meant to be seen and not heard. This may be hard to believe coming from someone who is outspoken (but not necessarily tactful). My parents and I don't talk very much. Most of the time they do the talking while I either listened or shut myself out.

The only one in this household who can communicate with them is my sister, but that's because she didn't have to go through what her older brothers and I had to go through. By the time she was born, my father has mellowed 100 times over. My parents are more liberal with her somehow. She didn't have to rebel like me.

My father wasn't a drunkard nor a wife-beater but when he was younger, he was very short-tempered. He was as temperamental as I am but while he uses physical strength to let out steam, I bottled it all up. Blame it on the Bugis blood I guess.

I was never academically good enough for him. He wanted me to be a doctor because he wanted to be one, but couldn't. I was in a way, forced to live his dream until I came to my senses at 16. There was no way I was going to live my life with someone else's dream, parent or not. I was not responsible for his lack of education. I was not responsible for his hard growing up years. I want to live my own dreams!

There is so much of my father in me even though I look mostly like my mother. The same temperament. The same stubborness. The same determination. The same perseverance. We are just so alike and yet, different in many ways too. He's dying you know and he knows it too. I swore once that I would never cry if he passes. He wouldn't want me to either. I just pray that he will live long enough to see his grandchild at least. He could have but I won't dwell on that. I shouldn't.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, December 12, 2004 @ 10:41 pm

Dear Blogger,

I'm reading a book titled "Women Who Loved Too Much". As I was reading it, every scenario described of women like that described me too. There's cases of a woman who mistook sex for love, woman having an affair with a married man, woman who gives more of herself everytime a relationship fails, etc. As such, I'm beginning to hate men even more! What is wrong with these men??? There are women who would literally die for these bastards, yet these women are seen to be the guilty ones.

I got so affected by it that I bit every other person's head who got into my way last night. Sadly, D got bitten the most. His only crime was that he belonged to the male gender and I was sarcastic, snappy, aloof and nonchalant all at the same time! I was colder than an ice queen!

I didn't have my car last night so it was pretty much the public transport for me. I should have gone home after work but I don't know why I chose to hang with D last night. After what happened last night, I am very sure that everyone is using me because I have a car.

We had supper at Bencoolen with his cast mates. The original plan was that we were supposed to bring his Bruneian friend to Round Midnight. I never met his Bruneian friend. I was to wait for him at Round Midnight while he sent his Bruneian friend to Clementi. I didn't have to do that if I had my car.

So I walked from Bencoolen to Round Midnight, which was at Cuppage Terrace. I chatted with his friends at the club and settled down with a glass of Bourbon Coke. He didn't arrive till an hour later, which by then, I wasn't bothered with him anymore. I even walked back home (almost!). I just left him there at the club and walked from Cuppage Terrace to Boon Keng. I could have walked further if it didn't start to rain and if it wasn't 4 plus a.m. already.

He didn't call and so haven't I. He didn't message either and neither did I. I'm tired. I don't even want to think about all this childish stuff. It's better this way. After all, I am nothing more than just the girl he's infatuated with. Oh man! I have enough problems on my hands already. Legal problems too! Shit!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, December 10, 2004 @ 1:27 pm

Dear Blogger,

I was thinking this morning while in bed. I'm schooling full-time, I work part-time after class, I have 4 tuition assignments and yet, I'm not earning enough. I need more! But I don't know if my mental sanity can handle it. We shall see when the new term starts next month. Oh boy! I need all the love and financial support I can get man.

On top of that, I have a production to organise. We're doing a musical, "Anything Goes", next year. It'll be my first production and I really don't know why I signed up for it. Don't you think I have too much things on my delicate hands already?

School fees will be up next year. Even though I get full subsidy, it still worries me. It just means there'll be more expenses. It's funny how everything seems to be going up except salaries. Life is getting more expensive. I guess that's our punishment for wanting to lead a non-simple life.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, December 09, 2004 @ 1:44 pm

Dear Blogger,

I've been spending a lot of time with D. I like being with him. He's entertaining. Of course that whole love thing kind of changed things a bit but we didn't let that bother us too much. We are adult enough to know our boundaries.

We were at Carnaval last night. I went to have a drink actually but I didn't drink anything. He was there to do a recording. He'll be playing there next month. The music was OK. Pop stuff you know. I think the club's growing in reputation because everytime I go there, I see more and more people in there.

Last night, there were familiar faces. Mostly D's friends. The thing about D's friends is that some of them are cool, some are not. Mostly the guys are cool. It's the women that make me uncomfortable. For example, the lesbian friends of his, are too havoc for me. I don't mind being acquainted with them. They are friendly persons in nature but when the drinks take over, it's a whole new story altogether.

They made D drank tequila shots from the bottle, from another woman, twice! I can't describe it really but I thought the whole process was just too obscene for me. Perhaps I was being too childish but I didn't like it one bit. He knew it and he apologised the whole night. It wasn't his fault really but he could have refused you know. I really felt like making those two lesbians kiss the bar top really hard.

I'm sure these things happen all the time in clubs. I guess I'm not ready for such things. I'm content with my glass of bourbon coke and my live music. I don't need those attention-seeking moves from others.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, December 06, 2004 @ 1:16 am

Dear Blogger,

Just when I thought that things were back to almost normal, he had to go and makes things even more complicated! So I decided to put a stop to this nonsense. I don't think I did a very good job at it. I don't think I had stopped it even. In fact, I think I had made it even worse!

How the hell did things come to this? I liked the way things were, so why change it? I really don't understand men at all. Let's look at what had just happened positively, shall we? Here goes.

Tonight, I had confirmed my suspicions that his "sayang" and his "soft spot" actually meant that he... loves me. So that's one less question mark in my head. Next, I hoped I had made it clear to him that things would never have worked out if we let that love thingy bug us. It seemed like he agreed to that and I am just going to accept that he had agreed to that.

Since he had been more or less honest with me, I thought it was fair that I became honest too. Not that I've been lying to him all these while. I sort of told him, written actually, about how I felt the other night. But I am determined to put a stop to it. Nothing good will come out of this. I think he understood. I think so.

He's a grown man. He'll get over it. He'll wake up and realise that tonight did not happen and things will be back to normal. I know I will. That whole awkward conversation over really horrible coffee at KFC, is slowly fading away. In fact, I'm not so sure that it actually happened! It was probably my imagination ran wild again.

Sincerely,
modgurl.


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Sunday, December 05, 2004 @ 2:25 pm

Dear Blogger,

I was back to my normal self on Saturday. When I said normal, I meant I was smiley and teasy and chatty with almost everyone. D called it my juvenile self and no, he did not have a problem with that. He likes it when I crack witty jokes and laughs at and with myself.

I picked him up at Jubilee Theatre and headed to The Blue Bar at Central Mall for some drinks. I didn't feel like having any alcoholic stuff so I settled for a Peach Breezer. Have I mentioned that the band playing at this bar are really, really good? There are two bands actually. One plays accoustic pop, the other plays latin.

The pop band didn't play Somebody by Depeche Mode, much to my disappointment, but their rendition of Kiss of A Rose was worth a standing ovation even though I publicily hate that song. The theme of the night seemed to be on broken hearts. Coincidence you say? When the band played Heaven Knows, I knew that He was testing my faith.

I like The Blue Bar. Great music, great atmosphere, great crowd. I even have a crush on the bartendress (is there even such a word?)! She's pretty but not too pretty. Mid-length straight, rebonded hair and dimpled cheeks. I think it was her thick black-framed glasses that attracted me to her.

Anyway, D and I were checking her out. We even compared the size of her boobs to mine! D said mine's bigger but I thought she was wearing a sports bra and that's why hers looked smaller. I said I could kiss her at that moment but D said with frightening fervour that there was no way he was going to lose me to her. What could I say to that?!

We ended the night earlier than usual. I was home by 3.30am but I wasn't complaining. It was a truly enjoyable night, even without any sex. Come to think of it, I have not thought of sex for several days already. That's quite unusual if you ask me. Maybe He has heard me! I am growing tired of my active sexual lifestyle. I'm not saying that I want to give up sex altogether but I wanted something more than just sex. I can't be a Samantha Jones if I'm going to think like this can I?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, December 04, 2004 @ 1:04 am

Dear Blogger,

I came to my senses. I am not in love with anyone nor do I love anyone particular. That night, I was just vulnerable. That was loneliness disguised as love. No matter what any guy tells me, I will not believe it. I will not allow myself to be deceived by this thing called love anymore. I will not allow myself to get hurt anymore.

A few hours ago, instead of heading like I should, I drove aimlessly about town. I know it was a dangerous thing to do but it was as if my brain was on auto-pilot. I didn't know where I was headed. I didn't know if I was even thinking!

My subconscience has brought me straight to Cantonment Complex. I didn't realise it until I stopped at the Outram Road juntion. SGH on my right and Cantonment Complex right in front of me. Din works here. I could feel him inside that building. Laugh all you want but that was how I felt. Everything just went downhill from then.

I thought I could have a drink at Union Square but all that salsa got to my nerve. So I drove down ECP, again on auto-pilot, all the way home. Before I knew it, I was home. My parents were already asleep. My brothers were out. My sister had left for camp early this morning. With the house so quiet and dark, I just cried. It started with a tear and before long, my whole face was wet with tears.

Will I ever get over this? Where have I gone wrong? If he was the arsehole, then why am I suffering the most? If we were not meant to be, then why bring us together like it was fated? Questions, questions, questions! And unsatisfactory answers.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, December 02, 2004 @ 1:55 pm

Dear Blogger,

I don't wish to hate men or berate them but they are asking for it! What makes them think that just because a girl agrees to go out for drinks with a guy, he will just assume that the girl is leading him on? And since when does going out for drinks is considered a date? Are men really that stupid?

I met this guy at a club in CHIJMES for drinks and I was bloody sure I have squashed any expectations of this meeting beforehand. It was just going to be drinks and light conversation and that's it. I don't know what the guy was thinking but he definitely got it wrong. Not that the meeting was all bad but it could do without all that expectations.

It got worse when D walked into the same club. He was there because the percussionist was a friend of his and that I was there too. Suddenly, everything became so awkward. He wasn't showing it then but somehow I knew that he was uncomfortable seeing me with another guy. I don't see why he should be uncomfortable when there was definitely nothing between me and this guy. Afterall, he has hung out with my friends and me before. So what's the difference now???

Him being uncomfortable made me feel bad about myself. I felt like, somehow I was cheating on him. I don't know if that made sense but that was how I felt! It got too much for me so I left and headed home. But the actual fact was, I didn't head home. I was almost at the CTE but I turned back because I was just too confused to let this matter rest.

I picked him up outside CHIJMES and all I could say was things got even more confused. He confessed that it was "killing" him to see me there in the club and that he should have just left me alone. He also said that he had a "soft spot" for me and that I didn't understand the appeal I have to some men and usually these men do not have the most honourable of intentions.

Is it me or does he sound more and more like Din? This is driving me nuts! Of course he got angry whenever I make that kind of comparison but it's true! What are the odds that two people I actually like have similar behaviourial characteristics?

Usually when I'm in a dispute with a guy, I'd sulk for the longest time. But I'm 24 now and I find it a complete waste of time to sulk for long. The thing was, I don't actually have the highest of EQ. Not even average. So I did what I knew best. I make corny jokes. To dumb people, I'm witty. To people like me, I'm corny. Of course one thing led to another and confusion became disastrous.

In that flicker of a moment, both my brain and my heart cried in unison (these parts of my body rarely agrees with each another) that I, in actual fact, love him. I am going to kill myself now.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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