modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Sunday, November 28, 2004 @ 11:09 pm

Dear Blogger,

I am troubled. Deeply. Looks like my prayers haven't been answered. I wonder if He had heard me. How could He not hear me? He is The One! If no one else can help, only He can. Only He can perform miracles. So how can He not hear me???

My heart refused to calm down. My mind refused to be rational. I am in a terrible state. Not many can see it but I am really troubled. A deep depression is looming and there's nothing that anyone who is mortal can do about.

I dreamt of him again. We were in some amusement park and we were having a meal at one of the stalls. He was smiling at me. The smile that made me feel so safe and secure. Even in a dream, I could still be lost in his presence. Why does he do to me? Haven't I suffered enough??? JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

Just when it seemed like I don't have enough things on my mind already, D asked me THE question. He asked me if I "sayang" him. First of all, what does "sayang" mean to him? Second of all, why ask me this knowing very well that I'm still nursing a very wounded heart.

I didn't ask him the second question. I just asked him his definition of "sayang", which he could not answer clearly and which of course, made things a bit more confusing. "Sayang" has several meanings in my mental dictionary. It could mean that you care (and concern) for someone. It could also mean that you (I hate this) love someone.

I was trying very hard to find the right words to answer him. I wanted to be direct, yet tactful. It didn't help that he kept saying, not once but three times that he "sayang" me. What does that mean??? He cares about me or he loves me?

So I just said that I care about him. I didn't lie when I said that. Don't I care about him? Don't I often advise him not to smoke too much nor drink too much? Don't I often encourage him to do the things which will be good for him?

But somehow, I had this feeling that that wasn't the answer he was hoping for. I'm sorry. I'm just not very good at this kind of lovey dovey shit! I get very uncomfortable when you touch on things of a similar theme. On worse cases, I freeze! Why do you think I've only ever had a boyfriend only when I was 21??? This is just too much for me to handle.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, November 27, 2004 @ 10:13 am

Dear Blogger,

I feel so dirty. I didn't do anything but I just feel dirty. Perhaps I should give myself a time out to do some soul searching and even soul cleansing. The burdens of reality is wearing me out. I can't just simply disappear can I?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, November 25, 2004 @ 3:06 pm

Dear Blogger,

How do you mend a broken heart? It seems that the harder I try to move on, the harder it comes back to me. I'm tired of fighting it but what can I do? I can't always rely on D to make me forget him. I can't rely on anybody but myself and I'm exhausted! I am so tired of this dating and relationship shit that I'd just marry the first guy who'd propose. But what's the chances of that happening?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 11:05 am

Dear Blogger,

I just woke up (I was extremely tired!) and I'm supposed to study for my Creative Thinking paper tomorrow. The thing is, I have no bloody mood to study! Who cares about validity and soundness??? Who cares about fallacies??? I really hate this class you know.

I dreamt of Din last night. It wasn't enough that he lied to me and ripped my heart apart. He had to haunt my dreams too. That annoying Kylie Minogue song kept playing in my head. I just can't get you out my head... lalalala... Cruel isn't it? I am going to LOSE my head if this doesn't stop!

My horoscope for next month says that single Aquarians will meet someone interesting and if we keep our hearts and minds open, something might just happen. Who believes this stuff anyway??? OK OK! I secretly believe it but I don't take it seriously. If it happens, it happens!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, November 24, 2004 @ 12:42 pm

Dear Blogger,

I wish I could say that the Java paper this morning was easy. I managed to do it but the questions are not easy for those with no programming background. I was 5 minutes late to the exam venue even though I left the house an hour early. Of all days, there had to be, not one, but 2 jams on the PIE! One along Paya Lebar and the other at the Steven's Road exit. What is it with these drivers? Can't they drive carefully in the morning???

I was surprised I could actually do the paper! It was probably all those days of practising Java. Also, it could be the "de-stress treatment" that D gave me last night. Actually, I initiated it but he was more than willing to help. Oh man! Was I HOT last night! Who needs anti-stress drugs when you can have good all-natural sex eh?

The PSLE results are out today. I hope my sister gets the results she wanted. She expected to get into the Normal Academic stream but I thought that's such a waste. She's a precocious child so she deserved to be in the Express stream. But I don't want to push her too hard. It's not fair for her to be compared to her older sister right? I was an academically excellent student and look how I turned out!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, November 23, 2004 @ 1:58 pm

Dear Blogger,

D said something last night that freaked me out. He said those dreaded ILU. Please don't say things like that to me, especially when I'm vulnerable. Doesn't he know how vulnerable I am right now??? Let's be calm here for a minute. If I don't give a toss about it, then why does it freak me out so much? Because I don't want to be fooled into thinking that it isn't just about lust anymore! Besides, it CANNOT be anything more than just lust simply because he is legally and supposedly morally not available anymore.

Oh god! What the hell am I doing? How the hell did I get myself into this mess? It seemed so simple in the beginning. Why can't everyone just stick to the plan? And people dare to accuse me of not being focused. Geez! You know... life was so much simpler when boys were just boys. No love, no romance, no heartbreaks. Just good old-fashioned friendships. How I miss those innocent days...

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, November 22, 2004 @ 2:01 pm

Dear Blogger,

No more dates. No more "blowing minds". No more sex. For this week only (did I hear sighs of relief???). Because it's EXAM week!!! I must pass my exams! Failure is not an option for me.

My date with the judge is this Friday and I really don't know how it's going to turn out. I really hope he'd just let me off with a warning but this is Singapore. It's a bloody FINE city! Fine me then! But please, please, please let it be an amount which I can actually afford.

I have this awful feeling that a certain someone is going to call me. Please don't! Don't ever call me. Just leave me alone! Damn I hate him! Double damn I hate myself for still loving him! I wished he'd cut off his own penis.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 12:26 am

Dear Blogger,

One minute I was full of remorse. The next minute I was full of hatred for a certain someone. Even in separation, he still drives me NUTS!!! Shit! Shit! Shit! I hate him! I hate him! I hate him!

Who am I kidding? God knows I still care about him. Fate plays really cruel games, doesn't it? It is said that God has already planned our lives. If He did, then why are we given choices? I chose to stay with him. Was it a wrong choice? I think not. I'm sure something good will come out of this.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, November 20, 2004 @ 10:27 am

Dear Blogger,

I should really discipline myself everytime I'm with D. For the past few weeks, every intention of a brief meeting ended up going home close to sunrise. We'd end up either talking for hours over prata and teh tarik or just making out either in the car or... somewhere. I really, really should not do this anymore. I'm burning myself out man!

But I can't help myself! He's getting more magnetically attractive by the day. I just cannot resist him! It is possible that this is the effect of the "recently dumped syndrome". Oh god! I hope not! I don't want to get hurt again! But he does make my life a little bit more bearable.

I met the members of Parking Lot Pimps or AFKA (Artistes Formerly Known As) Urban Exchange. D subbed their drummer just for last night at the J Bar. These Parking Lot guys play uber-cool covers of Top 40 hits. D's more at home with Jazz and Latin. So the whole set up last night was quite unbearable to watch. How could anyone not know Maroon 5??? D doesn't. According to him, playing current Top 40 songs is just like paying $8.50 to watch White Chicks. Sometimes he forgets that not everyone has a musical background.

I am still struggling with Java and my exam on Java is next Wednesday! Java programming is fun but the theory part of it is really... SHIT!!! Why bother??? I wouldn't be if I had not failed both my Java tests. I have to do well for this paper!

And then, there's the stupid Creative Thinking aka Philosophy core module which I just don't seem to understand. There's an exam on it too next week and I know for sure I am going to flunk it. I just couldn't grasp the concepts! I am not sorry Aristotle and Socrates committed suicide over this.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, November 19, 2004 @ 9:18 am

Dear Blogger,

It still hurts and I doubt the pain will go away soon. But I'm living. I have to! Being hurt and getting hurt is part and parcel of life. I can't deny the fact that I do think of him occassionally. You would too if you had seriously loved someone for so long. But what can I do about it? My brain doesn't have a switch to trash some memories out of my system.

As unbelievable as it may sound, I do pray you know. I pray for forgiveness. I pray for assistance. I even pray for the people I care for and that includes him, as undeserving as that may sound. I figured that the only thing I can give him now is my prayers. Sigh... Even after what he's done to me, I'm still giving him something.

D has been really sweet. He has made my life a bit more bearable. He was there for me when my heart was broken into pieces. He was there for me when I needed help. So is it wrong for me to wish that sometimes he wasn't married? Why is it that it's always the good ones that are taken? I've mixed feelings when he tells me stories about his young boys. I'm sort of happy for him yet I feel a little sad. Thoughts of having my own kids always conjure up in my mind.

I pray that He will open up my heart again. After all, I wouldn't want to give the next guy a very difficult time. It wouldn't be fair to him to be treated with a cold heart. It wasn't his fault. I pray that eventually this pain will go away and be filled with happiness instead. The key word is eventually. That sounds like a very long time, doesn't it?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, November 18, 2004 @ 9:57 am

Dear Blogger,

There are two types of men. An honest man and a lying man. An honest married man is 100 times better than a lying single man. What makes these lying men think that they can get away from hurting someone? I just don't know.

What have I learnt from it all? That men of all race and religion cannot be trusted. That I should be more guarded of my true feelings. That I should always lead my life the way I want it to be. That I should be more selfish and not sacrifice my time and energy for someone else.

Don't blame me for being such a bitch but this is how society has made me to be. Do I hate myself? Most of the time. Do I hate everyone else? All the time.

But I know I'm strong. I'm stronger than any man who dares to call himself a man. I have been through poverty, hunger, debts and near death. What's a broken heart??? My spirit is not broken yet. It may have fallen but it's not down and out yet.

You can say I'm a survivor. I prefer to call myself a stubborn piece of grade A arse. Love has almost destroyed me. Never again. In destruction, creativity is born.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, November 17, 2004 @ 10:14 am

Dear Blogger,

So this is how a real broken heart feels like. It's broken so badly and into so many million pieces that I can't feel anything anymore. Amazing. Can it be mended? How? With what? Even if you could, the mended product wouldn't be complete. There'd be little gaps and holes because the pieces are too small to glue back on. It would look like a badly shaped, what looked like a former heart... thing.

Wouldn't it be easier to just go for a heart transplant? I doubt the doctors will give me the light and day to my request. Hey doc! Can I have a new heart? My heart's kind of in a bad shape. I don't even mind a baboon's heart as long as I don't and can't ever fall in love again.

Who needs guns and nuclear weapons when you can have love to weaken your enemies? There are many powerful men (and women) in history who had fallen because of this stupid thing called love. Just look at that GE guy! Jack whatever. Bill Gates had better be careful. Then again, he's a geek. Still, men will be men. A penis will always be a penis.

Elvis was wrong. He sang that only fools rushed in. I didn't rush. I was 21 when my heart was stolen right beneath my nose. I just can't imagine how anyone half my age could have multiple exes. How do they do it? Is love so cheap now? Oh Tina... you were right girl. Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken? What's love got to do with it?

Now that I'm officially single again, I dare anyone to fall in love with me. You'd regret it. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, November 16, 2004 @ 8:06 am

Dear Blogger,

My, my, my... I've been busy haven't I? Apparently, there were some surfers who are too. Hmm... If I'd have to listen to every fucked up "advice" everyone's been giving me, I wouldn't even still be in SMU would I??? I'm seeking attention??? Doesn't everybody??? Just so happened that I'm more open about it than anybody else! So what??? You have your thoughts. I have mine. I didn't ask you to read them but you still do. Fuck it! I'm not going to let it get to me so much. I have other bigger things to think about.

How's my Aidilfitri? It's a complete waste of time. I made myself totally invisible to everyone so that I could avoid those perennial mundane questions like "what are you doing now", "when are you getting married", blah blah blah. I guess everyone's forgotten what this day was about. It's not about how many new stuff you have in your home. It's not about how much "collection money" you've collected. It's not about how expensive your baju kurung is. How did Aidilfitri come to this???

I think I'm going to fall sick again. I don't mind really. I don't even mind being hit in the head and fall into a coma. It's not like anybody's going to care anyway. I'm so sick of two-faced people coming to me and pretending to be my friend. Aren't there honest and sincere people anymore??? What has become of us? I really don't know who or what to believe anymore. Is it any wonder that I seem cold to most people? I have no reason to be warm and welcoming do I?

How have I become like this? Blame this fucked up nation with its fucked up people. Singapore: a multi-racial, multi-religion nation. MY ARSE!!! After 30 bloody odd years, the non-Muslims still think that Aidilfitri is the Muslim's equivalent of a new year. Even among Muslims, there's rife. What's considered acceptable may not be acceptable to some. Why just respect Ramadan? What happened to the other 11 months??? The hypocrisy of it all is so glaring that it makes me sick.

Am I angry? Yes! Am I disappointed? Yes! So what am I going to do about it? I'll just keep on writing about it. I'm not asking you to agree with me nor am I asking to keep coming back and read them. It's better that you don't! I didn't ask for your attention.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, November 09, 2004 @ 11:35 pm

Dear Blogger,

I am burning out. I am exhausted. All I wanted to do was to sleep for long hours in my little enclave. I want to disconnect myself from the rest of the world. I just want to escape from reality for awhile. I need to recharge!

I went to the hospital after class, which was about lunch time. I went to Popular bookstore first to buy my sister some board games. Then I saw a dress in a shop which I just had to buy. All because I will be meeting D on Thursday. I became flustered like a schoolgirl when he called me last night, at the airport no less. Damn I miss him! But I should make a mental note not to tell him that. Don't want to give him wrong ideas.

Anyway, I digress. My sister asked me why I was late and I said I had class in the morning. Usually I'd be at the hospital even before the official visiting hours. I was her only companion because the rest of the class are either working or asleep at home (that would be my good-for-nothing brothers). She was delighted to receive the board games and we played a few rounds. She defeated me in checkers but I won in othello, chinese checkers, snake and ladders and other obscure games. Can't believe she beat me in checkers. She's going to grow up to be a conniving and shrewd woman.

The nurses allowed her to roam out of the ward. So I wheeled her round the hospital grounds. She was in a good mood because she was finally out of the ward. I think a grown man would have been bored to near death if stuck in bed for 4 days! Especially so when your fellow patients are grandmas and great-grandmas!

I am mentally drained but I'm glad to see my sister is getting better. When I left her, she didn't have fever. Last night, my mother told me that she had fever close to 40 degrees when I left her and she was crying wanting to go home. Well, it looks like she's on the road to recovery. She could be discharged by Thursday if her platelet count keeps going up. I think it would have been really devastating for her if she had to be holed up in the ward on Aidilfitri.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, November 07, 2004 @ 10:10 pm

Dear Blogger,

It had been a very emotionally taxing weekend for me. I did get my baby back. I thank everyone who had helped me get my baby back. But as soon as I got it back, my mum called me and said that my sister was admitted to Changi General Hospital (CGH).

I was already at work but I couldn't leave because the bloody manager wouldn't let me! Even after I told her that my little sister was warded! I was so upset that I just became quiet. Frightfully quiet. As soon as my shift was over, I rushed to CGH, praying that my sister was OK.

She had been sick for over a week. She's had fluctuating fever and she's been vomiting everything that she ate. Our family doctor did not suspect anything and only prescribed her medicine for fever and vomit. The worst thing was, I was too busy working and trying to settle my own problems to be there for her.

When I reached her bed, everyone had left because it was after visiting hours. I got in because I had worked in a hospital before, so I had easier access. She looked so sick and feverishly hot. It hurt me to see her like that. She woke up when I touched her forehead and I stayed till she went back to sleep.

I didn't know what was wrong with her until this afternoon. I had rushed to the hospital again after my shift and found out that she had dengue fever. She was sitting up when I saw her but her arms were bloated with the needles poking her. Her skin was spotty with blood cells. She still looked horribly miserable. She smiled when she saw me and I knew she must have felt very lonely and bored in the ward.

I could understand that because she was the only 12 year old patient among senior citizens. I asked my mom yesterday why wasn't she admitted at KK Women's & Children's Hospital? It would have been better for her because she'd be with her peers than with a bunch of old folks. I should know because I worked there for 4 bloody years!

She was sad that I had to leave for work again but she tried to be brave about it. It just made me feel like shit. I'll make it up to her by being with her longer tomorrow. I'll even bring her stuff toy and radio and whatever materials I could find so that she'll have things to do while I'm not there by her side. I pray that she will be well before Aidilfitri. It would have been really sad for her if she had to spend the day in the hospital.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, November 05, 2004 @ 9:55 am

Dear Blogger,

I read a book last night written by some local psychologist and endorsed by the Ministry of Education. The book was given out to students as part of their Sex Education programme. Why didn't I have that when I was younger???

There was a chapter in the book that interested me. Abortion. The book was written like an FAQ, so there was this question on what happened to those who had gone for abortion, namely, people like me. The answer given was that these girls/women might in later life, become depressed, unsociable and even sexually promiscuous. Hmmm... sounds like me doesn't it? Except that I was depressed even before the abortion.

Have I always been promiscuous? Maybe. My sexual revolution started when I was 21 but till I was 24, I had been faithful to just one man. Hmmm... Let me correct that. My sexual revolution started when I was 24. Can't really remember my past flings though. Besides, they all ended within weeks.

My fling with D has surpassed the 6 months period. So is it still considered a fling? I resist calling it an affair because as a male friend of mine defined it, "as long as you're not married, you're not having an affair". There was this suggestion by a friend that I am just in denial. Denial of what? That I actually love him. Yeah right! As if I want to go through all that love bullshit again.

So what has happened between me and Din? Nothing. He doesn't even realise that I'm not in love with him anymore. It's not as if he has done much to make me fall in love with him again. Being busy is no excuse for not calling me or leaving me a message once a day at least.

Then there are others who said that I've built a fortress in my heart, so much so that I'm not giving other guys or even myself a chance. Who say I'm not giving these guys a chance? I give them ample chances! Most just give up after awhile. So it's not my fault that they don't have the perseverance. This is Survivor man!

I can almost smell my baby again. I can get it back tomorrow morning. Gosh I miss it so much! What ires me is that everyone else just think of it as a car, but not me. It is not just a car! It is not just a machine! It's... I don't know how to explain it really. I guess I see it as a replacement (?) to the real baby which I had regretfully given up. It may sound sad but my car keeps me going. When I'm driving, I feel freer. Just knowing that it's mine and no one else makes me feel better.

Din doesn't want to talk about the incident. For him, it's just unfortunate but life goes on. For me, I have to live with it for the rest of my life. What would life for me be like if I had kept it? I might not be in school. I might not have a car. But I would have a life form that was a part of me. I could have been a great mother. Sadly, D doesn't want to have anymore children. Neither does Din.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, November 04, 2004 @ 10:07 am

Dear Blogger,

I couldn't stop crying last night. I cried at work. I cried in the bus home. I cried in the shower. I really, really cried! I asked Him why am I crying? Is there something wrong with me? I don't know if He had heard me.

I dreamt of D. Can't really remember what the dream was about but he felt close. Does he dream of me too? Is he enjoying himself in China? I told him to enjoy himself. It's not everyday that you get paid to go China for a daily 8 min of work for 7 days.

Will I get my baby back? Time is running out. It's already Thursday and I'm about $500 short. But if I do get my baby back, what then? I still have a court case pending like Death waiting in the shadows, dying (sorry about the pun) to grab my soul.

Hari Raya is looming. Like in the past 2 years, I will not be able to savour the lontongs, ketupats, rendangs because I will be working. I have to work! Because no one else will support me. There's not enough rich, single men around and even if there are, they wouldn't even look at me.

My cough is getting worse and it's hurting my throat. Could it really be pneumonia? I am becoming a hypochondriac aren't I? I don't mind staying in hospital for days. Then I'd know who really cares for me. I don't even mind dying. Then there's one less problem in this bloody world.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, November 03, 2004 @ 12:51 pm

Dear Blogger,

I wanted to talk to someone, but D's in China and Din is... well... busy or not bothered I guess. My schoolmates are talking about exemptions and grades and it made me wonder, what the hell am I doing here?

I'm not a star student. I can barely score a B. So what the fuck am I doing in Singapore Management University??? What the hell am I doing back in school? With my personal problems going out of proportion, I don't think going back to school was a wise option. It's too late to turn back, isn't it?

I'm having suicidal thoughts again. Why do I always have such thoughts?! Oh god! I'm crying again and I'm in the fucking school library! Please STOP crying! STOP! STOP! STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh god... oh god... oh god... Difficulties in school... Difficulties at home... Difficulties in public... Difficulties in love... and people wonder why I'm a basketcase.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 9:00 am

Dear Blogger,

I have this sudden fear that the judge will be very harsh on me. On top of heavy fines, he'll deduct points from my license. That's cruel isn't it? And all I did was going against some parking laws. That's really, really ridiculous. Doesn't our judiciary system have nothing better to do than entertain people like me??? So this is what my taxes go into.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, November 02, 2004 @ 11:03 pm

Dear Blogger,

I have a Java programming test (again!) tomorrow. I just came home from tuition and I'm exhausted. I don't think I can study Java programming now. I'll be just wasting my time trying to study. I think I'm going to sleep now. I'll just flip through my notes tomorrow morning after sahur. But then, the possibility of me actually doing that is close to 0. I have to wake up early anyway. Can't be late for tomorrow's test.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 9:47 am

Dear Blogger,

I received more help from my PENGUINN buddies. So far, I've raised a total of $700. I guess there is God after all. I'm really, really tired but I just have to keep working. I was really soaked in rain yesterday but that's fine. I'm sure I'll just go down with pneumonia or something. No big deal. I had to put up with wet clothes and shoes and a freezing body in bloody aircon rooms from 1.45pm to midnight. No big deal. I'm supergirl right?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, November 01, 2004 @ 9:32 am

Dear Blogger,

It's sad to note how little friends I actually have. I'm living such a sad life, aren't I? I really don't know what to do. I've a judge breathing down my neck. I've a sick dad who's getting sicker by the day. I've school materials to purchase. I'm like at th edge of a mental breakdown here but the worst part is, I CAN'T BREAKDOWN!!! If I did, it's just going to get worse!

Somebody please help :_(

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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